00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 93, "Finding Fulfillment." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hello there, my happy friends. So glad to have you here with me today. I'm about two weeks out on this, but we are in the middle of social isolation, right? We're all just taking a break from everything and there's some some challenges for sure, but there's also some really great things going on and I hope that you are finding yourself able to tap into a lot of the blessings, a lot of the really amazing things that are happening through this time. I'm loving where I'm at. I'm getting to do some online school, which is all totally brand new for me and I'm making a lot of mistakes and my students are like "I can't find this" and I'm like "I can't find it either." So it's all just good, right? 

01:07 

Okay, so one thing that I want you to know, though, is my offer for free coaching has doubled up. I have a little bit more flexible time now so I've opened up a lot of coaching sessions in the day and I've been doing a lot more coaching this last week and this week and I love it. I love it so much. It has given me an opportunity to really talk with people about anxiety, about fears, about things that are going on as they struggle with this and with the earthquake that we had here in Salt Lake and just all kinds of things. So if you have not signed up for a free coaching and you think that you would like one, you can go either to my Facebook page, which is Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching, and you can like me and follow me there as well as you can sign up for a free coaching session. Or you can go to my website and you can sign up for a free coaching session there, and while you're on my website, you can sign up for my "weekend win" email that comes out every Friday. Just a quick email. So I think that's gonna do all the business stuff that we've got. 

02:08 

So let's jump right in. So today we're going to be talking about finding fulfillment. Because who doesn't want to be fulfilled in their lives? And we often hear people talk about how fulfilled they are in their jobs and in their relationships. And yet sometimes fulfillment can seem so elusive, can't it? So let's talk about why. First of all, let's break up this word to understand it a little better. The suffix "ment" means "with." So basically the word is saying "filled full with." So the dictionary then says that to fulfill means "to develop the full potentialities of or to convert into a reality or to make full." Good stuff, right? Don't we all want that? To develop our potentials, to make things our reality and to make our lives full, right? So when we talk about fulfillment, we are saying that we are filled with our full potential. I would say converting ourselves into our fullest reality, really being filled full with an awareness of who we are and feeling as though we're tapping into that potential. It's like our true self is able to come alive to emerge and to fly, right? We are filled with the immense satisfaction of creating deeply from our truest selves. 

03:27 

So that being said, true fulfillment is not going to come from outside sources. It will only come from inside of us as we seek to better understand who we are, our deepest desires, our strengths and our weaknesses, right? When I can understand these things about myself, then I can begin to live a life that aligns itself with all of that. And when I begin to align my life with my truest self, then I can start to find fulfillment. And this means that I will not find fulfillment in other people. Yep, that is right. Other people will not help me feel fulfillment. It is only to be found in connection with me, not with other people. 

04:13 

Now, is that to say that other people can't add to the quality of my life? Absolutely not. But other people cannot add to something I don't already have. And I wouldn't even recognize it if it was being added if I don't already have some myself. And my fulfillment is my personal responsibility. It is not someone else's. So part of the sticking point for many of us here is that we want someone else to be responsible for our emotions. We want someone else to take care of our emotional needs.  But emotional adulthood requires that we step into our own emotions and take full responsibilities for them, right? Realizing that our fulfillment truly comes from ourselves is a huge step forward. 

05:00 

At this point, we have to stop blaming other people for how we feel and what's happening in that arena in our lives. Also, fulfillment does not come from experiences. Many of us live in societies where we seem to believe that experiences are what life is all about. And I'll tell you what, like for an example, I love to travel. Put me in a new country with new food and new money and a new culture and I'll tell you what, I am in heaven. I really love those experiences. But traveling does not give me fulfillment. Going to a professional sports game or a play in London or anything like that will not bring me fulfillment. Will it be amazing? Probably. Will I love it? Almost guaranteed. But will it help me to tap into the deepest parts of me that will help me engage with the world in a very authentic way? Probably not. Experiences are great, but once they're over, all we have left are memories and pictures. 

06:02 

Now, I'm definitely not saying to not seek out amazing adventures and experiences, but just don't expect them to fill that void that says something is missing. That bit of hollowness in your soul cannot be filled by another trip or another amazing experience. It can only be filled by tapping into that something inside of us. I know a lot of us tend to buy a lot of stuff, thinking that that will make us feel better and more fulfilled. "If I only have just the right outfit or just the right shoes to go with that dress, then all will be well with the world." If only, if only, it were that easy, right? We could buy out Costco and still feel empty as though there was no meaning. We can buy a new car of our choice and within two months, it would just be a car. The amazing feeling it gives us is not lasting. It doesn't fill us up, right? It doesn't give us that fulfillment. 

07:02 

And the same is true for some of our temporary fixes that the world wants us to believe will make us whole. Things like massages and spa days and nails and bubble baths and professional makeovers and a new outfit, right? These are all nice, nothing wrong with them, but also not fulfilling. If we're going to those things to try and feel fulfilled, we're going to be sorely disappointed. All of these outside sources, they can be like addictive substances. They take away the edge, but then the desire comes right back. 

07:38 

And here's the thing: we all have an intense inner desire to feel fulfilled. Something inside of us, I believe it's our spirit, desires to become our greatest self. We desire to live a life full of purpose and meaning. And I think that this is God-given for us. And sometimes we get distracted by all of these outside things, other people and travels and experiences and stuff, and we think that they're going to help us feel better. But guess what? They don't. And that is because fulfillment, fulfilling our ultimate purpose in life with God, doesn't come from this outside stuff. It comes only as we tap into and engage with our God-given spirit and potential. 

08:25 

And here's another thing, I entitled this podcast "Finding Fulfillment," but finding it is actually the last thing that we do. It's not like we're walking down the street one day and just happen upon fulfillment. "Oh look, there's some fulfillment." Just like we don't wake up one day and just all of a sudden understand who we are and what our purpose in life is. True fulfillment is a gift that we create, a piece at a time, line upon line, if you will, as we consciously seek to discover and to unearth this. What we actually do is create fulfillment. And this process takes time and effort and persistence. So let's talk about some things we can do to create this fulfillment in our lives. I'm gonna give you a list of five things. 

09:16 

Number one: challenge yourself to grow. So initially, stepping into better versions of ourself is always a way to find greater fulfillment in life. This requires tapping into that potential that lies inside of us. I like to imagine it like an underground reservoir inside of me, and when I tap into it, then the water can start to come forth and to fill me up. That's the image that I like to create in my mind. When we take the time to discover new things that we love, and even old things that we used to love, that we've forgotten about, we can start creating a path that will bring more satisfaction into our lives. But sometimes we have to really search because things won't just fall into our laps on accident. One thing about you that I know is that you are interested in growing into a better version of yourself. And how do I know this? Because you're here with me today. You're seeking for more information to have a better life. You're wanting to understand how to create more fulfillment and satisfaction in your life and your relationships. 

10:22 

And there are so many ways that we can challenge ourselves to grow. We can learn a new skill, and not only is the new skill amazing to have, but the person we become in creating this new skill is probably the most important part. The diligence, the persistence, the willingness to be bad at something in order to become good at something, all of this requires that we dig deeper into ourselves and discover things we may not have known existed. And when we create this new person, who is now capable of things which were previously incapable of, we can find so much fulfillment. We can create that. We will have tapped into that greater potential that lies inside of us, and this feels so good. It feels good because our self-respect grows when we feel that potential coming forth. So learn a new skill. Open yourself up to new ideas. Read a book on how to parent better, how to communicate better, or how to set healthier boundaries. Earnestly strive to learn how to have healthier relationships with the people in your life, and then implement what you are learning. Becoming what you value is a huge part of creating fulfillment in your life, right? Becoming what you value is a huge part of creating this fulfillment. 

11:40 

Alright, number two: make a contribution. Another thing we can do to tap into that potential deep inside of us is to find a way to make a meaningful contribution in this world. And this is going to look completely different for every one of us, but this is also the beauty of what we're doing here. Each one of us has unique talents and abilities to offer our world. The more we come to know who we are, the more we tap into our potential, the more that we can contribute in meaningful ways. 

12:11 

So for example, I have some good friends who are brilliant with theater production. And several years ago, they started doing the plays at my middle school. And let me tell you, they are not your typical middle school plays. You generally go to a middle school play thinking that the whole time you're just going to be kind of thinking, "when is this over? When is this over?" These plays? No. They are so good. They are like higher level high school plays. They actually are very, very well done. And these ladies have used their talents for production and choreography to create something brilliant and amazing. Not only have they been able to foster their own talents and really become more of who they really are, but their contribution has impacted hundreds of teenagers who have performed in their musicals. These women have also created a community of parents who have come together to create amazing experiences for both themselves and their children. The parent volunteers donate hundreds of hours every year in sewing costumes and building sets and props. These ladies have made a contribution that has made this world a better place. And what they have done has fed their souls as well and allowed them to tap into that amazing potential inside of them. So as these amazing women have done, make a contribution around your talents and your skills and your strengths and what you love. 

13:33 

I don't have the same love and interest in theater as these women, but I feel that through this podcast and my coaching, I'm able to make a contribution that has also allowed me to really start stepping into my higher self. And this has brought a fulfillment that did not exist in my soul before. So find your thing. It may not be theater production or life coaching, but it is something. There is something you were created to bring to this world, and the world will not be the same without your contribution. I promise you that. We need you, and more importantly, you need you. This is important for your self-respect and fulfillment. And might I also just add, this is one of the most brilliant parts of middle age. We understand ourselves better, and we're better positioned to step into this type of place, and this is the reason that I think growing up is so awesome. Middle age rocks, right? We're just here. Fulfillment is so much closer and so much easier to create at this stage in our lives, I believe. 

14:40 

Alright, number three: get rid of entitlements and expectations. So, boy, if there is anything in our lives more difficult to feeling fulfilled, it's those feelings of entitlement and the expectations we have of others. Those make it so hard. First of all, when we feel entitled, we are quick to relinquish responsibilities for our own wants and needs. We have this feeling that everyone should be doing things for us, that we shouldn't have to work as hard as other people, that we are somehow deserving of something we haven't earned or worked hard for. And, girlfriend, this is not how it works. When we give up this responsibility, we are also giving up our control. And when we give up our control, we feel powerless. And when we feel powerless, we start spiraling into all sorts of emotional breakdowns and bad behaviors. We are amazing in our own right, but none of us has a right to be amazing. If we want to be amazing, it is our responsibility to create it. We are not entitled to it. And when we know that we are working hard for what we really want, we tap into that potential inside of us. 

15:56 

And the other piece of this is letting go of expectations of other people. This is also a killer for fulfillment, because underlying all of these expectations of other people is a control issue. When we have these expectations of other people, it is very easy to slip into a place of trying to control their behavior, trying to control what they think or how they feel. And this is not anything that we actually have control over. People may do what we want to keep the peace, but what we are sacrificing is any semblance of a healthy relationship. 

16:33 

I really hate it at church when men will say that they do things to keep their wives happy. That rubs me wrong in so many ways, the biggest way being that someone is controlling and the other is being controlled. There's most likely a lot of resentment going on there. And even if they're just joking, it's not funny to tell other people that your spouse is controlling. I think that kind of stuff is a huge breakdown in relationships. Healthy marriage relationships are partnerships. And is there value in doing things for your spouse because you know it will make them happy? Of course there is. But the joking behind that kind of statement reveals that there is resentment, which also says that there are very possibly some control issues somewhere. And trying to control other people will never end up being a good thing. So give up entitlements and expectations and you'll be able to focus more easily on your own growth and development. The responsibility you step into creates self-respect and a fulfillment that feels just oh so good. Right? It feels great. 

17:37 

Number four for how to find fulfillment: stop being a people pleaser. Alright, so I'm just going to give it to you straight. Many people feel that being a people pleaser is a good thing because they are helping other people feel good and they are squelching the confrontation. But I 100% do not believe that. I think if you are a people pleaser that you are a liar. Now, I don't think you're intentionally lying, but let me tell you why I believe this. When you are seeking to please people, you are trying to control what the other person thinks about you by acting in a way that is not true to you. In essence, you are living a lie in order to control another person's opinion or ideas about you. Is it uncomfortable sometimes when people aren't happy with our decisions or our ideas? Yeah, it is. No doubt. But when we are lying about who we are or about how we feel about things or what we enjoy for the sake of making someone else feel comfortable, we will lose respect for ourselves, which is the opposite of creating fulfillment. So if you're a people pleaser, rethink your people pleasing ways. You are sabotaging your fulfillment in life by eroding your self-respect. 

19:05 

Alright, and number five, we need to create meaningful connections and interactions with other people in order to create more fulfillment in our lives. We are created to be social creatures. I am a firm believer that so much of our personal and spiritual growth as people comes with the interactions we have with other people. As we learn to set healthy boundaries with people, we grow to respect ourselves more. And as these healthy boundaries are also a vital part of creating meaningful connections. Think back to the people pleaser. Are they really able to have deep connections? No, they're not because those relationships are founded on lies rather than on honesty. Real connections require real honesty. 

19:55 

And this requires us being in touch with what we really want and respecting ourselves enough to speak up. We have to value the relationship more than we value our comfort. Another piece of this is that we have to value people above things. And though we all know this, it can be so easy to get distracted by things and gently shove the people we love to the side. It is all too easy to be pulled into the things of our lives, whether it be our house or our job or our cars or a clean house or whatever, right? But taking the time to invest in our relationships, in the connections that we have, can take a lot more energy and effort than taking care of things because we have to learn to listen and respect and give up control. 

20:48 

With things we don't have to listen or respect or give up control. It's easy to have a relationship with my car. I give it gas and oil and proper maintenance and it does whatever I tell it to do. I'm in complete control, right? So easy to have a relationship with my car. But with people, it's so much more difficult. Really having meaningful connections requires that we love when it's hard and we'd rather fear because that is so much easier. Sometimes it's so much easier to go to a place of fear than it is to go to a place of love. Love requires setting difficult boundaries. It requires learning to let go of trying to control other people and what they think and feel and do and learning to focus instead on controlling myself. It requires accepting that other people are different than me and they have different ideas about life. They have a different path to walk. They have different ideas about how to do things and even different ideas about which street to take to get to the grocery store. 

21:53 

But the best work we can do to create meaningful connections and thereby real fulfillment in life is the work I have to do within my own head and my own heart. Feeling fulfilled and continuing to move into deeper and deeper fulfillment is a huge undertaking but one that is well worth the effort. This place of fulfillment is where we come to peace with ourselves, with God and with other people. This is the place where we are true to ourselves and to others, where we learn to control only us and let go of trying to control others. True fulfillment is the place where we have so much respect for ourselves and the person that we are becoming. 

22:37 

Now, this doesn't mean that we'll be perfect. It doesn't even mean that we'll be close to perfect. But what it does mean is that we know we're in a good place, we know we're seeking to be in a better place, and that we have hope or assurance that we will get to that better place. You can do this, my friends, one day at a time. One thought at a time can get us to be living the life of our dreams. I love growing up, don't you? Such a brilliant experience in this middle-aged thing. Love, love, love it. I love the things that I'm learning at this age. 

23:18 

Okay, I just wanted a quick reminder. If you would like a coaching session, I know a lot of people are needing extra coaching right now. I still offer that free coaching session. Like I said, I've done so many between last week and this week and I have loved them all. Okay, so go ahead and get on my website or get on my Facebook page and you can book a time to do that. And let's see, if you feel this podcast is helping you out, please subscribe, please leave a review and please, please, please share this with someone who can use this and who would love this kind of content in their life. Okay, that is it for me my friends. Have an awesome, awesome week and I'll talk to you next Monday. Bye. 

24:01 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.