00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 91, "Personal Responsibility." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. I'm so happy to have you with me. I'm having just a great day. I actually had a doctor's appointment so I ended up taking the day off of teaching school today. And not that I don't love being with those kids, but boy can I just say I love a good day off. Guess that's about it. We're going to jump in today, but first of all I want to remind you that I am working on 300 free coaching sessions this year. And I've had some great ones already this week and I'm grateful for that. I love them. And if you would like to jump in and see what coaching is all about, you can go to my Facebook page and you can find it there. My Facebook page is Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching. You can go to my website tanyahale.com. Either one of those will get you there. And if you have signed up for my "weekend win," which you can do on my website as well, at the bottom of those every week there's a link for you to link right into my calendar so that you can just go ahead and schedule something that works for you. 

01:27 

So let's jump in today. Number 91, "Personal Responsibility." Okay, so this is the deal, my friends. It is time for a serious talk and I'm just going to put this out there. Okay, I got a little bit on a rant today as I was preparing this. All of these podcasts that you listen to, all of this information I'm sharing with you, it is for you and only you. Here's why I say this. I have people who talk to me about my podcast and they say things like, "my spouse really needs to hear this one," "if only my child would listen to this," "my ex could really use this." And let me be 100% honest with you. Who cares if they need it? We can't care about what other people need because we are all so neck deep in our own crap that we're in danger of drowning in it. We have got to start taking care of ourselves as far as this goes and stop trying to control others. 

02:27 

Did you listen to podcast number 60, "Mental and Emotional Abusive Behaviors"? Okay, I totally loved that one and I got a lot of comments on it. It's been my most listened to podcast. So at the beginning of that one, I gave a warning. I warned that you would be tempted to spend the whole time listening to it and thinking about somebody else in your life who is engaging in so many of those behaviors. But our goal in doing all of this isn't to think about someone else when we're listening. Our goal is to be looking at ourselves and seeing the beam in our own eye, not the mote in someone else's because that is how it always is. We've all got a beam. This work is for us. It is not to change other people, it is for us. And this is the focus of everything that I am working to teach you here. You cannot control other people at all. You cannot control what they think. You cannot control what they feel. You cannot control what they do. All of that is 100% out of your hands. So let me rephrase this all a little bit. If you want a healthy and a happy relationship with someone, you have to give up any kind of trying to control them. 

03:51 

Because first of all, it doesn't work. Second of all, it destroys the very relationship that you want to be better. If you care about the relationship, stop trying to control the other person. We have to take full responsibility for our own behaviors, our own feelings, our own thoughts, and let go of trying to influence all of those things in other people. Because sometimes we do use these things to try and control other people. We will do things for other people hoping that they'll do something for us in return. This is tainted love. It is not pure love. It is not clean love. It is imperative that we learn to do things fully because of the kind of person we are and not because of what we think it will move the other person to do. 

04:48 

So let's talk about some of the things that we are each personally responsible for beginning with happiness. Okay, that's right. For some of you, this will be a shocker, but no one else is responsible for your happiness and you are not responsible  for anyone else's happiness to include your spouse, your children, your siblings, your neighbors, your friends, your parents, your students, your teachers, your bishop, you name a person and they fit in this category. But we are each responsible for our own happiness. It is not our spouse's responsibility to make us happy. It is not our work's responsibility to make us happy. It is not our children's responsibility to make us happy or our best friend's or our neighbor's or our bishop's or our Relief Society president's. It is ours. One of the biggest misconceptions in our society is that someone else is responsible for or can impact our happiness. Not so, my friends. 

05:58 

Everything another person does is neutral. Yes, neutral. That means that everything that happens in our life is neither good nor bad. It is neutral. All these circumstances, they only become good or bad or positive or negative when we attach a thought to it. Can you really imagine living a life where we could only be happy when other people chose to do something to make us happy? Think of that, really. We all have wonderful, full lives. And personally, we're working so hard to become better people. Sometimes I know that I get so caught up in trying to understand my own stuff, my own thoughts and feelings, that I completely miss what is going on around me. I can be very unaware sometimes of situations around me because my brain, I swear has undiagnosed ADD, is often distracted and going somewhere else. And because of this, I miss out on seeing that someone looks sad or distracted themselves. I don't notice the small nuances that can be body language sometimes. And because of my natural positive tendencies, I often don't see things as seriously as other people, even when I'm told outright. 

07:21 

Now, none of this has anything to do with me not loving the person or wanting to be a positive influence in their life. It has to do with my own brain doing its own thing. And I know that we all have our own brains doing their own things, although everybody's brain is doing something different than mine and everybody else's. So to think that all of these people who are caught up in their own brains should be constantly thinking about planning for and anticipating my level of happiness all of the time a lot bit unrealistic. Do people do wonderful things for us? Of course, even me with my brain craziness, even I can manage to do kind things for other people and to think about how I can make their lives easier and show them that I care about them. But I don't do it all the time and neither do you. Sometimes I eat because I'm hungry without a thought for my co-worker who had a rough day. It's the nature of humankind and expecting someone else to be constantly thinking about my happiness is, first of all, pretty selfish on my part. 

08:36 

Remember we talked about a few weeks ago that the definition of selfish is "exploiting others to take care of our own needs," which is exactly what I'm doing when I expect someone to put aside all of their own thoughts and needs to make me happy. So when people tell their spouse, "you don't make me happy," what they really should be saying is "I expect you to set aside all of your needs and take care of mine," right? Or here's another possibility, "I'm choosing not to be happy with you because really my happiness is my responsibility, my personal responsibility, no one else's." 

09:19 

But something really amazing is that we can be in some pretty tough circumstances and still be in a good place personally. This is the ultimate control we can have in our lives: control over my thoughts, my feelings, and my behaviors. You can be in a really tough marriage situation and still feel good about who you are, about where you are personally going. And you can still find peace and contentment and even happiness in a really tough marriage situation. I know because I did it. 

09:52 

So here's the deal. When I expect someone else to make me happy, I am giving up all control over my happiness. And that, my friends, is not the place we want to be. If I am always depending on someone else to make me happy, guess what? I will probably never be happy. When I take responsibility for my own happiness, then I can decide when and where and why and how. Now, that is awesome, right? That is empowering. It's also quite a confidence boost to know that I am the one creating this great place, to know that I can choose to be happy even in the midst of circumstances that I might view as challenging. To know that other people don't have the ability to make me feel something I don't want to feel. To know that I have the strength and the intellect and the insight to create what I want to create. and nobody else can say or do anything about it. 

11:03 

So one of the first and biggest things we need to take personal responsibility for is our happiness. And I'm going to expand this even more. We need to take personal responsibility for every emotion we feel in our life. Yes, take control of your happiness, but also take control of every other emotion you are feeling in your life. Feeling sad? Own it. Understand it.  Figure out what thoughts are creating it and then decide if you like those thoughts or not. If I feel sad and I connect that sadness to the thought that I'm missing my mom like crazy today, I love that thought. And I actually love the sadness that comes because of that thought. That thought makes my sadness connect with her and connect with myself and makes me feel even more gratitude for the amazing woman that she is, for the love that I have for her and it reminds me that I'm a human with deep feelings and I'm connected to life and to my humanness. 

12:10 

I may find sometimes that I feel sad. And when I explore the thought that is creating the sadness I may find that I don't like the thought behind it. At that point I have the personal responsibility to create a different thought, one that will create a different feeling, but I have to own the fact that that sadness is coming from me. The point here is I am responsible for everything that I create in my life. Are you deeply unhappy in your marriage? That unhappiness is your personal responsibility. Are you super frustrated with your children's behaviors and choices? That frustration is your personal responsibility. Are you increasingly annoyed by your co-worker's choices? That annoyance is for you to figure out and own. Your marriage, your children, your co-workers, they are all neutral circumstances. Nothing more, nothing less. What you are choosing to think about them is creating the feeling. 

13:18 

Now, there are times it could be amazingly helpful to create something different in your marriage relationship. That's true. This is why we have communication skills. This is why we talk. This is why we have difficult conversations, but please, please realize that it is not your spouse that is making you unhappy. It is your thoughts about your spouse or your thoughts about your marriage that are making you unhappy. So let me just say here that we can work through this. I can work through this with you. So call me for coaching if you're struggling so much with this concept that you just want to scream at me right now and turn off this podcast. But as your life coach, trust me here. Are there times we need to set boundaries? Yes. Are there times we need to leave a toxic situation? Definitely. But it is important to realize where the toxicity is coming from: your spouse or your thoughts about your spouse? When you can answer that question honestly and cleanly, then you can know how to proceed. So this would be a great time to look into coaching as an option if you're struggling, struggling, struggling with this concept. 

14:36 

Okay, but for now we're going to move on from personal responsibility for our emotions, from the idea that someone else is responsible for our happiness or our sadness or our motivation or our love. You and you alone are responsible for what you're feeling. 

14:54 

Okay, so let's look at one more area in our lives that we are personally responsible for: our needs. Yep, this idea that someone else should be fulfilling our needs is completely false. You and you alone are responsible for making sure that your needs are fulfilled. Now, I can see many of you starting to put on your boxing gloves at this point and trying to get me to come into the boxing ring with you. But it's not going to happen. I am standing my ground on this one. Your needs are your responsibility. No one else's. And again, we live in a society that is so quick to hand off our needs to someone else and then blame them for us not feeling fulfilled. We have people who will say, "okay, write down all of your needs and then give your list to your spouse and then hold them accountable for fulfilling that list. If they love you, they'll do everything on that list." Okay, that is crazy-making and ridiculous, because there is no way in this world that someone else can fulfill my needs. 

16:05 

When I base my relationship on whether or not they are fulfilling my needs, it is bound to fail or to be miserable because my need to connect with God, with myself, with other people around me is my responsibility. My need to make a meaningful contribution in this world is entirely up to me, no one else. My need to make peace with someone in my life is my personal responsibility. All of the things that we think we need, no one else can fulfill them for us. And when we think that someone else can, we are mistaken. And when we think that someone else should, we are even more mistaken. My needs are my responsibility, pure and simple. And here is the main reason why...most of our needs are coming from pretty deep within ourselves and those are the things that only we can fix. Other people trying to meet those needs is like putting a band-aid on it. 

17:13 

For example, let's say you feel like when you and/or your spouse come home from work and when you reconnect at the end  of the day that you need him to give you a big hug and a kiss. The biggest question I would ask to that need is "why? Why do you feel you need a hug and a kiss?" Now, I'm not saying it's bad, but we need got to get curious here. Why do you feel you need a hug and a kiss? When we start answering that question we can really start getting to the root of what is going on deep inside of us. Something is behind that desire for a hug and a kiss. Do you feel it's a matter of respect? Do you think that it communicates devotion or desire or connectedness? Your spouse could come home every night, give you a hug and a kiss as you've stated on your list of needs you gave them. 

18:08 

But if the tone is off, if you feel they're just checking something off the list to make you happy, then that hug and kiss will not be fulfilling your needs. I want them to want to give me a hug and a kiss, right? The need is actually what is behind the hug and the kiss. And what that is, why we want that hug and a kiss, that is our responsibility to figure out. Now, is that to say that we can't let our spouse know that we would love for them to give us a hug and kiss when we reconnect at the end of the day? Absolutely not. We can make requests of our spouse, but thinking that them fulfilling those requests is going to fulfill our needs is erroneous. When we start exploring our needs, our really deep needs behind those kinds of requests, we will find that they are rooted often in our own emotional insecurities, in places that only we have the power to go. 

19:13 

Can our spouse or someone else create a safe space for us to do that exploring? Absolutely. And that's part of the reason we choose to have certain people in our lives, because they create that place where we can discover our true selves. And that is the beauty of connected relationships. But fulfilling those needs is our personal responsibility. And things like coaching or counseling can assist in helping to discover what those deep needs are, because they can be difficult to discover on our own. 

19:47 

I know that because I'm living it and have been for several years. It is through the help of life coaches that I am discovering my true emotional needs, that I'm working on healing what is hurting, and moving into a cleaner, better place. And every one of us has places inside of us that need discovering and healing, and healing from the hurt, right? And a hug in the end and a kiss at the end of the day would be really nice. But it's not going to heal what needs to be healed. What it's going to do is create a space where the hurt can be discovered and the healing can take place. That's the real need. If you've ever made a "needs" list for your spouse or someone else, I totally invite you to take another look at it with fresh eyes. How many of those things on your list are band-aids? Things that will feel good at the time but that don't really address the deeper issues? Ask yourself why you want your spouse to fulfill that need, what you think you'll get from it. Why do you ask for that? Why does that come up on a needs list at all? The deeper issues going on here are in places that only we can go. It's discovering that only we can do it. It's healing that can only come from within. 

21:17 

When we take care of our own emotional needs and the other people in our lives take care of their emotional needs, then when we come together, we are two healthier people who can really support and sustain each other. We are shoring each other up rather than desperately trying to fill in the gaps that are unfillable by another person. Solid emotional health can only be created by you. You have to painfully discover what's amiss. You have to be courageous enough to acknowledge it. You have to do the hard work to bring it out into the light, to take a good look at it and to start making the necessary adjustments. Fulfilling our needs is entirely our own personal responsibility. When we can embrace that, not only in thought but also in action, then we can begin to enter into a place of emotional health that we have never known before. 

22:20 

And this is a huge part of what I work on when I coach you. This is why I'm so passionate about life coaching, because it helps people to become aware of the basic fundamental needs in their lives that they can fulfill. It helps people to move into a better emotional space where they can really begin to grow into who they have the potential to become. Coaching helps my clients take a step forward in their personal responsibilities so they can move forward into a healthier and a happier life. Is it an investment? Definitely. And not just an investment in money. It's also an investment in time and an investment in effort and energy. But really, what is worth more investing in than your emotional health? What is more important to invest in than you? And an investment in yourself today will pay off in healthier relationships, a healthier mindset, more self-love, more confidence, and more peace, contentment, and happiness for the next 30, 40, or even 50 years. It is so worth whatever it takes to get into a better place starting today. Taking personal responsibility for whatever is going on in our lives is one of the first and biggest steps we can take. 

23:48 

It is time to stop blaming. It is time to stop thinking your crappy life is someone else's fault. It's time to stop playing the victim of your circumstances and step into becoming the hero of your own story. The circumstances of your life are neutral, my friend. They only become what you choose to make them become. And that choice is your personal responsibility. I love growing up, don't you? Love, love it. Okay, again, if you would like to work with me, get on my Facebook page, Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching, or my website, tanyahale.com, and you can book a session with me. I think that would be lovely and awesome and amazing for both you and for me, okay? Coaching is brilliant, and the more I work with clients, the more I am awed and overwhelmed by the amazingness of this process of helping people move into better places with themselves. 

25:07 

Alright, if you love this podcast, go ahead and share it with someone that you love, and not necessarily the person that you were thinking, "they really need to listen to this." But you know what? A lot of us don't even know what crappy emotional health we're in until we start engaging with this kind of information. I had no idea for all of those years of my marriage that I was in such a horrible emotional place. And now I look back and I think, "oh my gosh, what a wreck I was. My poor ex husband, having to put up with that." It's just a great place to be, so share this with people because we all need it. At some level we all need this information. Go ahead and leave me a review. I would love that and if you haven't subscribed make sure you do that as well because then you just don't miss an issue. They come out every Monday morning. So get on your phone Monday morning, go to your podcast app, and I will be there waiting for you every single Monday morning. 

26:15 

Okay, my friends, I love you. I love this work. I love love this. I think about you all the time. I think about what I can share with you that's going to help make your lives better. And this may have come across a little harsh today but it's important. So important. And I hope that you will step up into your responsibility and make your life so much better than it's been. Okay, have an awesome day and I'll talk to you next time. Bye! 

26:43 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!