00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 86, "Is Self-Care Being Selfish." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, well hello there and happy day to you, my friends. So glad to have you with me today. Let's see. A couple of things. If you've not signed up for my "weekend win" email, you can go to tanyahale.com, scroll down to the bottom of the home page, and there's a place right there for you to do that. These are just meant to be read in like a minute or less. So really really quick. But just little thoughts to think about that might Impact you in a positive way for the weekend. So check that out. And also if you have not signed up for a free coaching session and you would like one, get on there as well and go to the email me or the "contact me" page and let's get that set up. My goal is to do 300 consults free consults this year. I just really want to share this and help people in some small way to find some direction and find a better healthier way to live. So if that's your thing, I would love for you to join me there. I'm not a hard sell. I will tell you what I do and all that stuff afterwards. But I promise I'm not a hard sell because if you are not fully in, I don't want to work with you That's as simple as that. I want to work with people who really are invested in having a better life, in doing stuff. And if that's not you then get your free your free consult. And hopefully it'll be a really beneficial, helpful thing for you and then move on. 

01:46 

So let's go on today. We are going to talk about self-care. The topic is: is self-care being selfish? And this is an idea that just kind of keeps surfacing and resurfacing, whether or not self-care is being selfish. Because, let's face it, the word "selfish" has some pretty negative connotations, often very un-Christlike connotations. And most of the people that I know and that probably listen to this podcast are trying to be Christlike. So how do we reconcile self-care within that idea? If we're busy taking care of ourselves rather than being of service to other people, how does that fit in with the teaching we've heard our whole lives, about being in the service of God by being in the service to our fellow humans? These are some really great and valid questions, so let's take a look at it, shall we? 

02:39 

Really quickly let's review podcast number 37 that was entitled "Self-Care." You may want to go back and listen to it, but the basic premise is that self-care is not indulgent acts like going to the spa or getting your nails done. Those things are great and I love that kind of stuff, but it's not self-care. Self-care is the difficult, mundane things in our lives that require self discipline to make our lives better. Things like getting to bed on time, getting up on time, exercising, eating healthy, journaling, praying, doing all of these things that we know are going to make our lives better, but that are often very difficult. So with that quick reminder of what self-care really is, let's jump into this discussion about how self-care is actually not being selfish. 

03:27 

Let's start off by acknowledging the fact that most human beings have a desire at some level to contribute to the betterment of society. We probably all do it in different ways and I don't think it matters what way we do it. I just love the fact that most of us want to be in a place of contribution. So that's a great thing. That's actually an amazing thing because that is really what makes this whole "life on earth" thing work. People doing things to make the world a better place. And I love that about people. So how do we position ourselves to be in the best place to make a contribution? I believe that somehow we have this misconstrued idea that being of service means that we should always be selfless and always put other people before ourselves, that we should give at our own expense and that God will make up the difference when we run ourselves into the ground. 

04:24 

Okay, now first of all, can God do that? Of course He can. He's totally capable of picking us up when we have run ourselves  into the ground. But will He do it? And I believe that depends on the circumstance because I also believe that God expects us to be wise about the choices we make and also to love others as we love ourselves, meaning that we should be taking care of ourselves at the same time as we're taking care of others. When we are constantly taking care of others with absolutely no regard for ourselves, that's actually not being very Christlike to ourselves, is it? 

05:03 

So let me give you a bit of an exaggerated example. We have a mother of a small toddler living off the land all by herself miles and miles from the nearest person. Okay, so I told you it was going to be exaggerated, but here goes. What if when times got tough this mother only fed her child because of course she loves her child desperately and she wants her daughter to live. She doesn't want this sweet child to suffer. So she gives her all of the food, neglecting her own need for nourishment and this mother slowly begins to waste away and eventually dies of starvation and leaves this small toddler alone. Well-fed, mind you, but alone. So now what happens? Well, the toddler, unable to obtain her own food, won't make it very long before she dies. She will be left not only without food, but without the ability to care for her other needs, such as shelter and safety. This mother, though very well-meaning and filled with an amazing love for her child, has actually put the child's life at risk because of her own lack of self-care. Had the mother continued to feed herself less, and also her child less, dividing the food resources between the two of them, they would both still be alive with the option of better circumstances to come. 

06:25 

Okay, so that was an extreme physical example, and a pretty stark one, but let's look at the same concept in the context of caring for ourselves and others in a more realistic scenario. I don't believe that the purpose of our life here on earth is to completely neglect the body we've been given and the spirit that we are. These are both gifts from our Heavenly Father, and part of why we believe we are here is to learn to care for them, and then with this body and the spirit combined to learn to care for and to serve others. But it is impossible to love and care for others if we are constantly depleted, serving others at our own expense. Somehow many of us have this erroneous belief that if we don't put other people before ourselves, that we're being selfish. But also far on the other end of the spectrum is what I consider true selfishness: only thinking about ourselves and taking from other people in order to satisfy our own wants and desires. That definitely doesn't work, and it doesn't fit in either with what we've been taught about being Christlike. 

07:34 

So I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle, taking the time and energy to care for our own needs first, filling up our own pictures, understanding our own strengths and weaknesses, and really coming to a place of love and acceptance for ourselves. And then from that full picture we have plenty to give to others in their cups. In fact we can fill a lot of cups from a full picture. Our ability to serve others actually multiplies when we've taken the time to give ourselves the self-care that we need. 

08:07 

So let's take the work that I'm doing here with this podcast. I'm getting pretty close to 10,000 downloads. Now, in the world of podcasts that's a pretty small number. A lot of people get that in one day and I've been working on this for 10 months. But in my world that's pretty big, right? And that means that almost 10,000 times I've been able to hopefully help someone have a better and a different perspective. Hopefully 10,000 times I've made a positive difference in the life of someone else. But the reason that I'm able to do this is because I spend the time filling my own pitcher. I take time daily to pray and read the scriptures and other good books, and I take time to have engaging conversations with other people. I listen to conference talks and to other inspiring podcasts that teach me and shape me and inspire me with ideas of what I can share. Is this time that I could be doing an act of service for someone else, like outside of my home? For sure. But this is how I'm choosing to invest in myself so that I can have more to give to others. And my sincere hope is that when one person listens to a podcast and is positively affected, if they improve a relationship or love someone more unconditionally, that they have now affected the life of another person in some way so that my influence is now compounded. So not that I take credit for that compounding, but I love the concept of the ripple effect that what we put out into the world can continue to impact others as it is passed from one person to another and then to another. And this is when it becomes immeasurable. 

09:47 

But if I wasn't engaging in self-care and doing the things that I mentioned above, my pitcher in this area would be pretty low, if not completely dry. And then what would I have to share with y'all? So is it selfish of me to spend my time doing these things? Even if I could be physically out doing something to serve someone else? I don't believe so. I believe doing these things prepares me to serve in a different way, in a way that I feel is my talent, my ability to serve. And the amazing thing is,  is that we all have our own way of serving. But in order to serve in the ways that best take advantage of our strengths and our talents, we have to prepare through self-care. And then what we put out into the world by way of service can be compounded because we can fill many cups with our full pitcher. 

10:36 

Do some of you remember being a young mom and being completely bogged down with all the physical demands of that stage of life? I know that there were times that I did not engage in very good self-care and then I would get so run-down and exhausted that I didn't show up the way I wanted to as a mom. I would be short-tempered and irritable. We would be eating unhealthy food. I couldn't engage with my children in the way I wanted to as far as reading books to them or doing puzzles with them or playing or taking them to the park. I just didn't have it in me. I was too exhausted and depleted. There was nothing in my pitcher to pour into their cups. So many young moms find themselves in this situation, and some moms let this get to the point where they really have a breakdown of sorts, and then someone else has to step in and take over for a bit because they can't function anymore at a normal level. We actually end up not being able to be the kind of person we want to be when we don't engage in self-care. And how many of us middle-aged women are carrying around years of resentment in our hearts? We have an underlying anger or frustration because we're always feeling depleted. 

11:49 

And this, my friends, is just not helpful. This shuts us down emotionally and sometimes even physically. It puts us in places where we tend to move toward mental and emotional abusive behaviors. And this is not serving the world in the way things we can do is to feed ourselves, to nourish ourselves so that we have the physical and emotional energy to give in the way that acknowledges our strengths and our talents. If I can show up for the people I love out of a place of love, rather than a place of anger, fear, or resentment, then I'll also find that the service I render becomes energy-producing rather than energy-depleting. 

12:36 

And this, again, multiplies the efforts that I'm able to put out into the world. When I take good care of myself first by telling the truth and by setting healthy boundaries, when I say "no" when appropriate, and I'm aware of my own pitcher, then I can show up when it is my time to serve with energy and excitement. And this is when I can impact the world for the better. I have more to offer than before and my contribution multiplies, and bonus! I also have a lot more fun doing it. Another important part about self-care that I want to bring up is that I need to be really aware of not engaging in behavior because I'm seeking for the approval of others. This is a huge problem for so many of us. We are afraid to say "no" because we don't want others to think badly of us. But when we say "yes" when it should have been a "no," we enter into this place of resentment and then we can cycle into guilt over that resentment. Because really shouldn't I be happy to serve? If I'm feeling resentful, there's something wrong with me. right? And if I'm not happy to serve then I can start creating guilt with my thoughts. 

13:47 

It's so important that we learn to take care of our own self-care needs. This has such an amazing impact on our self-respect and when we are not being true to ourselves in this aspect we are actually lying to ourselves and to others about who we are and what we need. 

14:06 

So let's say a friend of mine asked for some help painting props for a community play. So I love this friend and I really want to support her and I don't want to disappoint her because I know it's hard for her to ask for help. I could definitely say "yes," but knowing my non-amazing skills of painting props, I would be hating every second of it. Doing that kind of crafty stuff is not my thing. I could be smiling and being all nice on the outside but inside I would be miserable. I would be lying to her and to myself because I was trying to gain her approval by saying "yes." And I can promise you that this would be a huge energy-depleting situation for me. It would not be fun. I would not be engaged. And then I would be creating internal drama with my thoughts and I would start feeling resentment for both her and me. 

15:00 

Now, can I manage some of that with my thoughts? For sure I can. But I also need to be aware that this is not feeding my soul in the same way. And I would start feeling resentment. And resentment is exhausting. Saying "yes" when I should have said "no" would be exhausting for that very reason. I would be fighting my resentment and then my guilt for feeling resentment because I would think that I should be so happy to be serving and giving. But if a friend asked me to give a presentation to her Relief Society about boundaries or healthy relationships or the thought model, I could say "yes" without  any hesitation. I wouldn't be saying "yes" because I wanted to please her. I wouldn't be saying "yes" out of not wanting to hurt her feelings. I would be saying "yes" because that is how I feel I'm tapping into my strengths and really serving selflessly. This is a place where I know that I can serve wholeheartedly. 

16:03 

But sometimes we feel the need to prove to the world that we're really good people. Of course I'm good. I go to the homeless shelter and I serve food. Of course I'm good. I always drop everything to help clean the house of the person down the street who's moving. But when I can drop this need to prove to the world that I'm good and not selfish with my time or my money or my energy, then I can really start to engage in selfless behavior on a much bigger scale. I can show up with energy and excitement and really serve in a way that blesses the lives of others. 

16:36 

So the self-care to build my strengths and to say "no" when appropriate is definitely not selfish in the negative sense of the word. Self-care is nourishing the things in my life that allow me to engage at deeper levels, at levels that create a positive ripple effect. Approaching life from a place of love rather than fear of hurting others or offending them. Coming from a place of love for myself and for others is always good self-care. So if we define "selfish" as taking care of our own needs first so we can then engage with the world in a deeper and more meaningful way, then maybe self-care is selfish. But it's not the kind of selfish that takes advantage of other people in order to advance ourselves. That is the negative kind of selfish and and I don't think most of us want that if any of us but we do want the kind of selfish that allows us to fill our own pictures so we can fill others' cups. We do want the kind of selfish that is honest with others and honest with ourselves. 

17:44 

We do want the kind of selfish that creates momentum and energy and excitement in our lives. When we hit this place of self-care, then we are in a position to be the instrument in God's hand that can make a positive difference in the world. So here's to engaging in self-care so that we can truly be selfless. I love growing up, don't you? Best thing in the world. This middle-aged gig is brilliant and amazing and fun and exciting. 

18:16 

Okay, so we talked about "weekend win" at the beginning. We talked about signing up for a free consult at the beginning. Let's see, what else? I think that's it. Okay, so if you have not subscribed, subscribe, leave me a review and then share this podcast with other people. That's how it grows and that's how we share this great message of better emotional and mental health. Okay, my dear friends, have an awesome, awesome day and I will talk to you next week. Bye. Thank you so much for joining me today. 

18:48 

If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend, win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.