00:00 

Hi there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 85, "Emotional Tones." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hello, my friends, so glad to have you here today, I am glad to be here as well and I'm happy to share some things with you that I've been preparing, that I've been thinking about. Before we jump in though, I want to invite you to go to my website tanyahale.com. There are a couple of things you can do there. One, if you go to the front page and scroll all the way down to the bottom, you can sign up for my "weekend win" email. This is an email that I send out every Friday morning. It is meant to be read in one minute or less, it's just a really quick little piece of information to give you something to think about and ideas of how you can manage your mind a little bit more and have a better life. 

00:59 

So the other thing that you can do is you can go over to the "contact me" tab and you can sign up for a free coaching session or contact me for one. And I think you're going to love it. Give it a shot, it's so cool. The whole secret about coaching is that I hope to show you your thoughts. I help you see what you're thinking and how you're thinking is creating your life. And it is such an amazing experience. I love when I get to work with my coaches and they show me things and I'm always amazed at what I see. And so I want to have you have that same experience. My goal this year is to do 300 free coaching sessions. So I've got some work set out for me and I've got a lot of work to do and I hope that you will help me with that. And share this with friends if you think that you have a friend who could use a free coaching session to help uncover their beliefs, uncover their thoughts. Send them my way, have them get in touch with me and sign up for a free coaching session. I would love that. 

02:02 

Alright, so let's jump into our topic for today. We are talking about emotional tones. You know, like the tone of our voice. Sometimes we think that the words we say are the most important thing about communication, but I'm here to tell you that that is false. Research studies show that communication is only 7% verbal, meaning the words that we use. Does that blow your mind or what? It's unbelievable. So what makes up the other 93%? Well, it's two things: body language and the tone of our voice. Body language makes up 55% of our communication. Think the rolling of the eyes of the teenager, right? Well, tone makes up 38%. When we really start to think about the implications of these numbers and this data, we start to see why communication can be so difficult and why there is often so much miscommunication. 

03:02 

But let's talk first about why good communication is so important. Relationships are important. That's why. And relationships are built on trust. And trust is founded in good, honest, clear communication. And we are hardwired for relationships, for connections with other people. If we head back 5,000 years, being part of a community of people literally meant life or death. We needed other people if we were to stay alive. Other people meant food and shelter and protection from the wild animals, right? And within the context of these relationships, our brain is always asking, "am I safe?" We are deeply wired to the answer to this question. If we don't feel safe, we find a way to exit, to get out of there, to escape the relationship. When we do feel safe, we can relax and we feel as though we want to stay. So relationships and connections with other people are hardwired into our brains. And relationships and connections are built upon clear, honest communication. This, then, is why communication is so important. Because it is an integral part of our connection to other humans, of our feeling of safety that gives us a sense of emotional health. 

04:23 

So today, I want to talk about the 38% of our communication, which is our tone, or the vocal aspect of our speaking. Tone really has nothing to do with the actual words someone says, but real meaning for those words can be found in our tone. Think of sarcasm, right? We often say something different, but the tone in our voice helps us know exactly what it means. And something amazing to be aware of is that tone is the first communication style that develops in our brains. When we speak to infants, they have no idea what the words are that we're speaking, but they are fully tuned into the tones of our voice. If we were to speak to a baby and say, "oh, aren't you just the ugliest little thing I've ever seen, I think you'll be as dumb as a doorknob," right? Okay, so we can say that, and the baby is going to smile and coo and be all happy and cute because they have no idea of the words, but they are fully tuned in to the tone of our voice. 

05:32 

And the opposite is also true. If we are very angry or say in a horrible tone, "you are just the cutest baby I've ever seen. I just love you so much," all right, then the baby would get that whole quiver chin going on and tears would well up and they'd start crying. Again, not because of the words but rather because of the tone of our voice. So the first aspect of communication that we connect with as a human is the tone of voice and we continue to be excellent readers of the tone of our voice for our whole lives. Who hasn't tried to get their smaller human children to apologize to each other and after they do it, they're both still angry and we say "now say it like you mean it." They know darn well, even as little humans, that tones of voice is everything. If they're being forced to say the words "I'm sorry," they're for sure going to say it in a way that lets us know what they really think about those words and being forced to say them. 

06:35 

Then by the time we're adults, we are experts at reading tone of voice. If we really hate someone but try to tell them we love them, they will know that something is off. When someone calls you and you answer the phone you can generally know within a few seconds even before they string together enough words to make a thought whether they're happy or sad or angry. Tone is just so huge in our communication and I think one of the most neglected aspects of our communication. And, we get it! It's not like we're stupid around tone. Tone plays a huge part in our sarcasm. We say something and everyone knows we're not serious because of the tone of our voice. For example, I have a friend who always who loves the phrase "shut up," but it is never used in a negative way. The tone in her voice sends a message of playfulness and amazement. When I'll tell her something that she's astounded by, she will say "shut up," and then we all laugh and we go on, right? But another person could respond with "shut up," exactly the same words but the tone would come across very harsh and degrading. 

07:42 

So let's put all these pieces together in the thought model, shall we? Because this is the part that I love. I love when the thought model steps into these because it just helps us figure stuff out. I have a friend who is going to marriage counseling and the last piece of advice the counselor gave them in their last meeting was to really try and do nice things for each other this week. Okay, this sounds all lovely and sweet, but for a couple who is really struggling this comes with some obvious thought model faux pas. 

08:12 

Okay, first of all, it is coming straight from the action line, which means a couple of things. First, when we approach a problem straight from the action line there won't be any long-lasting effects. We're just changing the behavior because when that action or that behavior ends, the thoughts behind the old actions still exist and then the old actions will just start up again. The other big problem with this approach is that the tone of the action will be off, and remember how great we are at recognizing tone. We are masters; we've been doing it for 50 years. So if someone does something for us, but we can tell that it's being done begrudgingly, it's not creating the emotional tone or the emotional change that we would hope it would create. If we really want to make a difference, we have to do what we're doing, say what we're saying with the right tone, which means we need to begin directing our thoughts in such a way that the tone behind what we're doing and saying changes. 

09:16 

And herein lies the huge challenge of our lives: learning to come from a place of love so our thoughts are created with love. Is doing something nice for your spouse a great thing to do? Obviously, obviously. We are working to try to become better people all the time, but when the feeling or the tone behind the kind act is one of contempt, that is felt and acknowledged by the receiver as well. Because the contempt, the anger, the resentment, the frustration, whatever, will always show through. You cannot hide the tone. So how are your words coming across? How are your actions coming across? We have to be very careful with our words and actions, and we talk a lot about that in our culture. That would be like the words and the body language, right? 

10:04 

But what we don't talk about so much is that we also need to be very careful with our tone. And this is why we haven't focused on it much, because our society is so action line focused. Look at almost every weight loss program. They focus on the action line. Eat this food at this exact time. Eat exactly this much. But what they're not focusing on is the cause of those actions, which is the thought underlying all of our feelings and behaviors. All the eating behaviors are caused by thoughts. This is why when people go off of a diet that has dictated all of their behaviors, they go back to the previous behaviors, because their thoughts haven't changed. The thought that motivates our feelings and actions creates the tone. And this is the key to really changing our tone and creating a different kind of communication and connection in our lives. But again, society is used to focusing only on the action line. 

11:08 

One thing that I am so loving about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints right now is that there is a huge shift from living the gospel from the action line to living the gospel from the thought line. Look at the visiting teaching and home teaching programs. They used to be all about the action line. One visit a month to another person in the ward and you report it, all action. But now it's called the ministering program. There are no boxes to check, nobody to call, which takes away the action line and makes us think more about our motivations behind the actions. What are the thoughts we need to have to know what actions to take? It's a whole new approach. 

11:50 

So let's look at this shift in our personal lives that the church is taking. Growing up, it just seemed like there was always a list to check off. Go to Church, check. Read your scriptures, check. Say your prayers, check. Have family home evening, check, right? But now there's a different focus, a focus on really, truly becoming more Christlike: developing a relationship with Christ. Truly learning to rely on Him, and love Him, and appreciate Him. And all of this is changing the tone. Now we're not just encouraged to pray so we can check off a box. Now we're encouraged to pray so we can truly connect and receive the spiritual guidance we personally need to know how to go forward. 

12:32 

So now, if we're working on this, our tone for living the gospel is less box-checking and more thoughtful, love motivated behaviors. And this completely changes the tone behind the words and the actions. And this is what we're going for in life. The tone behind the words or the behaviors is what opens or closes us emotionally. If we sense the tone that the person is doing something out of love for us, it doesn't really matter what they do, we want to embrace it. If your spouse brings you home some flowers, and let's say they're your least favorite flowers, but as he hands them to you, the tone in his voice aligns with his words when he says, "oh, I just saw these at the store and they were so beautiful, and I just wanted to get them for you." We won't care so much about what flowers they are because the tone and the words created a different experience, right? 

13:29 

And the opposite is true. If we get our favorite flowers delivered every week, and we know they're ordered by the secretary, the tone behind them again speaks volumes. We know it's coming more out of a sense of responsibility rather than out of love. The exact same flowers can either open us or close us emotionally depending on the tone they are delivered with. Tone either says "I'm for you" or "I'm against you". Tone lets you know whether you're safe or not. And remember, a huge part of our emotional health is that feeling of whether we are safe or not. And relationships require moving toward the other person, and moving toward requires the right kind of tone. And tone requires coming from a place of love. And coming from a place of love comes from managing our thoughts to be loving thoughts. So isn't this great stuff? It's just so important to realize that our tone plays such an important part in our communication and in our relationships. 

14:50 

So there's two sides to this: the giving side and the receiving side. So let's talk about the giving side since that's what we've been up to so far. So often when we try to make changes, we start in the action line and we don't make the connection to our thought line. But how can we know if what we're doing is coming from a place of love or not? That's a totally valid question and I've got a totally valid answer. Sometimes we think our actions are coming from a place of love but here's a great way to find out for sure. What are your expectations of what should happen after you engage in your behavior? If you have any expectation of it affecting the other person's behavior, you can know that it's not coming from a clean place of love. Here's why. Coming from a clean place of love is exactly that: no ulterior motives. No expectations of it changing their behavior. We are doing it purely from the love of our heart. If our motivation or our tone is not love, we will have expectations that  they will react in a certain way or that they will reciprocate by doing something in return. 

16:01 

If you do something for your husband from a place of love, you will have no expectation of him reacting in a specific way. The reward for you will be the love you feel for him and how good it feels to do something for him. If you do something for him with a tone that is not love, you will become resentful if he doesn't reciprocate in some way. Whether it be a as soon as we have expectations of the other person's behavior being a certain way in response to our words or behavior we have stepped into a place of manipulation. Ouch! Right? But "manipulation" is the right word here. When we are trying to manipulate their behavior by our words or our behavior, we can be sure that our tone is not right. But if our action just feels good and it doesn't matter how they respond, then we can know that our tone is on point. Pretty brilliant, right? I love, love, love this stuff. 

17:10 

And here's another point I want to make. You're a growing person, right? The reason I know you're growing is because you are here listening to a life coaching podcast, seeking to understand how to live a better life. Growing people are amazing. I can say that because you're my tribe, right? This is what we like to do. We like to grow. We like to progress. But not everyone is a growing person. Not everyone is seeking to understand their motivations and their thoughts so they can live from a clean place a place that is bringing them closer to Christ in this way. So another piece of this tone is to realize that not everyone has listened to this podcast. I know that's a shocker, but they haven't. Sometimes people will do things, they will come from the action line with really good intent to try and make things better, but their tone won't be what it should. Okay, just like my friend and the the counselor who just said "okay, this week, just do nice things for each other," if both of them go into that, they're trying, But there's going to be a missing element, right? So sometimes people will do things like that they'll come from the action line with really good intent to try and make things better. But their tone won't be what it should be so their action moves into our circumstance line, and then we have a choice what to think about it, okay? 

18:34 

So when we start talking about other people doing things for us or saying things with an improper tone or a tone that we're like "yeah, that's not quite there." We still have a choice. Their action moves into our circumstance line and we have every thought of what to think about our circumstance. It could be very easy to say "oh, they're doing the action or saying the right words, but I'm just not feeling it. Their tone is not right." Okay, well this is where we have a choice. We can expect their tone to be just right before we will accept their offering or we can choose to accept their offering by thinking "I love that they're trying." That will create a completely different feeling and behavior for us than if we think "they really just don't even mean it. They're just doing it because they were told to." Again, we always have a choice and how we choose to think about their offer will completely affect our feeling and hence our tone. 

19:37 

But this is how one person can possibly make a difference in a relationship. When you respond to their offering with love, they just might see the positive effect of their behaviors and it might start to change their tone. Or maybe not. But either way, if you're coming from a place of love, it won't affect you in a negative way. You can only impact yourself positively when you are coming from a place of love. 

20:05 

And one last thing I want to talk about with regards to tone: how we approach difficult situations can be completely changed by our tone. Sometimes our words cannot be neutral because of the situation, but the tone in our voice can soften any blow that the negative words could deliver. Negative feedback is negative by nature, but sometimes it's what's required. Delivering the feedback with a tone of softness will make all the difference. Being told at work, "hey, you're totally messing up here. Get your act together," would sound completely different if they said, "hey, I'm noticing some things here that need to be fixed. Can we sit down and talk about it? I want to help you be successful here." It makes all the difference, the tone. I love the proverb that says, "a soft answer turneth away wrath." That's amazing spiritual insight into how our tone creates that safe place that we've been talking about. We may need to set a boundary or have a difficult conversation, but coming from a place of love with a soft tone will make a huge difference in whether we're creating a safe space or not. So as many parents of teens have found themselves saying at one point or another, "watch your tone, young lady." 

21:33 

Alright, growing up is brilliant. Don't you love growing up? Getting to this place where these pieces are fitting together, where we're seeing it is amazing. Alright, so that's going to do it for me today. Just really quick, don't forget to sign up for a  free coaching session if you would like. I just think it's brilliant. And also, if you're loving this podcast, if you're a frequent listener and you think it's making a difference, please share it with your friends. I appreciate that. That's the only way that this podcast will grow and develop. And I think there's just so much good content here that can help people get to where we need to get. Alright, my friends, have an awesome, awesome day. I wish you all the best and I will talk to you next week. Bye. 

22:22 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.