00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 78, "Playing Small." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, here we go. It is full on winter, although technically it's still fall, so all of you people out there who are like, "I love fall, it's so great," I'm looking at a fall day out there that is about a foot deep in snow. Okay, so anyway, it is beautiful. I have to say that. So I set myself up here in my office. I went and bought me one of those really great foot massagers that like squeezes the foot and has these roll ball things on the bottom. And so I've got that under my desk. So when I'm doing work in here, I've got that going and I hooked up a heating pad that I put on my back when I'm in here working. So I've got a great little get up going and I love it. 

01:07 

Alright, but today this is another soapbox day for me, so hang in there. This is a topic I've been discussing with my exercise friends for a week or so, and on and off for a longer time than that, just all in different scenarios. And it's the topic of playing small or pretending to be less than you are for the perceived benefit of other people around you. Sometimes it can be easy to get this idea in our head that by stepping into our full potential, into the greatness we feel inside, that we will isolate or intimidate other people around us. And okay, there is so much wrong with this and we're going to cover a lot of ground today. So hold on and let's go. 

01:55 

Okay, so I'm going to start with an experience I had just this last weekend and the discussion I had with my niece about it. We went to a Bell Choir concert and it was wonderful and I've been to these before and there are two, one or two, one or two really big people and then a couple more that I just can't keep my eyes off of because they are playing the bells with their whole bodies, their whole beings. They just seem to feel so much joy in creating the music that they're a part of and the rest of the choir is just playing bells. Now, I'm gonna be the first to admit that I know very well that all people are different and everyone does things differently and not everyone wants to dance a little bit when music comes on. However, there's so many of us who do want to dance and we don't for various reasons. Maybe because we feel insecure or embarrassed if people see us. Maybe it's just not their thing. But this group is not who I'm talking about today, the people who it's not their thing. Talking more to those people who are insecure and embarrassed to step into this okay. 

03:01 

So on the way home from the concert my niece and I were talking about how, first of all, amazing the concert was and how even more amazing those few bell ringers were that we couldn't take our eyes off of. And she she was having the same experience. We both loved how much they loved what they were doing and how it increased our enjoyment of the concert watching them. They looked like they were having so much fun up there while so many of the others just looked like they were ringing bells. And we started talking about how these few people we loved were really stepping into themselves and were being true to what they were feeling and how when they did that it also increased our enjoyment of the concert. And what if everyone in the choir was performing at that level. How much more amazing could the experience have been for us as the watchers and also for them as the performers? 

03:55 

And here's what we discovered. When we play small because of our own insecurities or fears it decreases our own enjoyment and satisfaction in life, but it also decreases the enjoyment and satisfaction of those around us who need what we have to offer. When I hold back or play small, my fulfillment in my life decreases and I'm also not contributing to the world in the same way that I could make the impact that I meant to make, whether that be in my home my family my community or even the world. 

04:31 

Playing small is something that many of us have been taught to do from the time that we were young. I feel this is why so many women feel smothered or unfulfilled in their lives despite doing great and amazing things; they've held back, and it has had a long lasting consequence on their self-respect. As I've been testing out this idea with both male and female friends, it's interesting to me that most women, at this point everybody I've spoken to, but I'm sure there's some out there who don't feel this way. But most women feel that they have something great inside of them, an amazing potential that they feel wants to break free, that they need to let her go. It's that woman inside all of us that I keep talking about that wants so desperately to spread her wings and to fly. 

05:20 

Fascinating, however, that the men I've spoken to don't really connect with this idea of untapped potential and greatness, this idea of playing small. I was speaking with a pretty well-educated man yesterday and he's like, "I don't even know what that means." And when I explained it to him he understood the concept, but he had never heard the phrase "playing small." And I thought, "oh I think pretty much most women know that phrase," right? 

05:45 

But here's the deal, I've thought a lot about this and here's my very unscientific conclusion. Men have always been given permission to let that person out. In fact, it's been expected that they let that person out their whole lives. They don't usually have to choose between being a great parent or being a great employee. Culturally, it has been expected of men to grow and become, to put their needs first. But for women, we have subversively and outright been taught that to be Christlike, we must be nurturers first and step back from seeking to become too much. In many ways, we have been made gatekeepers for the male ego, being taught when we were teenagers that we shouldn't win a game if we're playing against a male because it would hurt his ego. And our job was to build up men always, even at the expense of ourselves, or guess what? We may never get married. In fact, I remember being shown a book when I was a teenager called "Fascinating Womanhood" that was all about how to build up a man and make him feel strong and capable and needed. It had things in it like waiting for him to come home to ask him to open a jar because you weren't strong enough and you needed him to do that very, very hard thing for you because you were so weak, right? Our job as a woman was to stroke their ego and make them feel strong, okay? 

07:15 

So as a side note, when I read that even as a teenager, I was like, "what the crap is this?" But it was a very common practice. I think that book was written like back in the 50s or the 60s or something like that. But here's another piece. We were gatekeepers for chastity as well. We were to dress modestly, why? Because men were so visually stimulated sexually and it was our job to make it easier for them to keep their thoughts clean. And if sexual exploration went a little too far, it was our responsibility to keep it in check as well. All while not saying "no" because that might damage his male ego. How are we supposed to do that? We were put in these impossible situations. Culturally, we were asked to downplay our talents, brains, and abilities so that men could feel good about themselves and not feel outdone by someone of the "weaker sex." 

08:18 

Historically, women have been good for just a few things: keeping house, birthing children, and raising those children. Now, I know that we live in an age where things are very different today than they were in our grandparents' age and even our parents' generation. But I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and these things were taught to me probably in more subversive ways. But the ideas were strong that I was to be submissive to my husband and that he had the last say, which, in an underhanded way, let me know that my decision-making capabilities weren't as strong as his. That because he was the priesthood holder, he somehow had a stronger connection to God. 

09:01 

So in the midst of all these ideas that I needed to protect the melt ego, that my potential was best explored in the context of my home and raising children, and that I was to be submissive to my husband, I felt as though I needed to play small in order to be Christlike. And that was such a hard thing for me because I always felt like there's great things I have to do, and I felt a little bit smothered by all of that. And then as women, we're also taught very strongly that any kind of self aggrandizement is a horrible thing. Trying to get ahead or seeking for recognition was not for the humble, kind, Christlike sort of woman. 

09:44 

In fact, those were tools that Satan used to separate us from each other. They were prideful tools that would separate us from God and send us straight to the great and spacious building. And not wanting to make other people feel bad, so many of us learned to keep quiet about our accomplishments because there was also this unspoken concept that if I was doing great at something, that other people, men because of their ego and women because of their insecurity, would feel intimidated by me and I would be seen as arrogant, not a game-player, and definitely not kind. So though we've always been taught to play nice and not seem too aggressive or success-oriented, those ideas are perpetuating the idea that we need to play small. That means that being nice means not making other people feel inferior or uncomfortable by who we are. 

10:40 

And it's time for this to stop. We are amazing women and should not be ashamed of the greatness we have to offer the world. It's time for us to step into our potential and stop playing small. There's a meme that I've seen that says, "Girls are not intimidating, they're intimidated. There's a difference." And here's the difference: if someone feels intimidated when they are around me, that is all about them and their thoughts and it really has nothing to do with me. My one and only job here is to step into my God-given potential and to quit hiding behind some false sense of modesty and insecurity. If I outgrow a relationship because I dive into becoming who I'm meant to be, then I can look at that relationship as complete. One that has fulfilled what it was meant to fulfill in my life at that time. And then it's okay to move on. 

11:39 

Okay, so before I start getting mean letters, please know that that comment is in no way saying that anybody should get divorced. Just don't let your fear of divorce make you think you need to play small. Because making decisions out of fear never leads to a godly decision, because God is love, not fear. Why would God give me talents and skills and amazing potential and then expect me to let them sit dormant? I don't think He does. I truly believe that those stirrings we feel inside of us to rise up and reach out and let this woman spread her wings and fly is God telling us that it is our divine destiny. He created us for this. He doesn't want us to hide our light under a bushel, but to put it on a candlestick so that it can be seen and be of use in this world. 

12:38 

And I feel that by paying attention to my likes and dislikes, what I love and am passionate about, what really interests me and fascinates me, what would I spend all day learning if I could, that this is God's way of helping me know what direction He needs me to go. The greatest contribution that I can make in this world is to listen to those promptings from the Holy Ghost and act on them, to allow myself to grow into the person God created me to be, to develop my talents rather than hide them. 

13:13 

Now this is going to look different for every single one of us. For me, I know that this podcast, what I have to offer the world through coaching people into greater, better mental and emotional health, this is what I am meant to do at this stage in my life. I know it so strongly that I can feel compelled to keep moving in this direction and my soul is so fulfilled by this work. I know 15 years ago I felt that strongly about being a soul was filled by that great work. Only you can know what it means for you to stop playing small and to start stepping into your greatness. I plead with you, listen to that voice inside of you that is yearning to come forth. Let her have her say. 

14:06 

Stepping into yourself doesn't mean you have to find a meaningful career outside of the home. Maybe for you it means really learning to communicate with your husband and creating the type of equal partnership that celestial marriages are made out of. Because that, my friends, is incredibly hard work. It means having a voice and being aware of situations that need adjustment and learning how to work through those without being belittling and degrading of the other person. Maybe to stop playing small means it's time for you to try out for that community orchestra and find more of an equal partnership with your husband stepping up and into being more of a participatory parent so that you can do that. 

14:53 

To stop playing small for you may mean stepping back from the glorification of self-neglect and start taking better care of your own physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health, getting a life coach, going to the gym, setting aside time in your day to take care of your spiritual needs, rather than burning yourself out and constantly taking care of others. Coming into your greatness may mean going back to school to get your degree in something you are passionate about rather than something that will make it easier for you to take care of others. Stepping into your potential may mean pursuing a career  where you feel you can make a meaningful contribution to yourself and to the world. 

15:37 

I don't know what this means for you. That is entirely between you and God, but I do know that God has given you interests, passions, and desires for a reason. We are expected to come here to earth and to become the best versions of ourselves that we can become, and playing small does not allow us to do that. Pretending we are less than we are does not serve us, it does not serve others, and it does not serve God. But stepping into our greatness can seem so daunting. So let's chat for a bit about how we can start moving in that direction. 

16:19 

First of all, each one of us needs to take a personal look at our thoughts about playing small. Get out a notebook and start writing everything you think about what we're talking about here. Do you play small? Where and when and why? What experiences have you had that have made you feel like you need to hold back? What things fascinate you and have for years? What are you interested in? And if you haven't pursued these interests, why haven't you? What thoughts have kept you playing small for all of these years? Really discover your thoughts in this area and then start questioning those thoughts. Are they true? Can you absolutely prove that they are true? Where did those thoughts come from? What do you think God feels about those thoughts? Just get really curious here and explore every thought you discover about this going on in your head. 

17:28 

So now moving down the thought model, right? What feelings do you have when you think those thoughts? Do you feel empowered? Do you feel insecure? Fulfilled? Overwhelmed? Loved or loving? Angry? Resentful? Discovering the feelings that are being created by your thoughts is so powerful because all of our actions are going to be a result of our feelings, and that's the next line in the thought model. So if you feel empowered, how does that impact your actions? If you feel overwhelmed, what actions come from that? What if you feel love? What if you feel resentment and anger? Then how do you treat yourself and the people around you? If you start looking more closely at your relationships, you will see how feelings have impacted your actions within those relationships, whether they be with a spouse, your children, your siblings, God, or even and probably most importantly yourself. 

18:32 

If you are constantly feeling resentment and anger about having to play small, I can promise you that it is showing up in your relationships in some very abusive ways. And that may feel like you're finding your voice, but that is the dark side of finding your voice. This dark side will cause us to make backhanded comments that are insulting and degrading. We may feel like we're finally speaking up but it will be hurtful, debasing ways of speaking. We will be wrecking our relationships rather than building them. The light side, however, of finding your voice would be coming from a place of love, love for yourself and for God and this will transfer into your relationships. Speaking from this place will take responsibility rather than blaming the other person. We will take the time to listen and truly understand. We will seek to build and not destroy. 

19:36 

Okay, if you're married and you feel as though you've been playing small, you definitely have some amazing work ahead of you because just changing the rules of the game without some heart-to-heart discussions would be difficult on any marriage. If you find yourself needing to stay, step up and create something different and stop playing small. It's important that you have some serious conversations with your spouse about where you have been, where you currently are, and where you want to go. 

20:04 

Here's something that's really important to understand: if we feel we've been playing small, it's one thing to approach it from a place of fear or anger, and a completely different thing to approach it from a place of love. When we come from fear or anger, we will be like a wrecking ball, destroying everyone and everything on our path, on this quest, to be heard and seen and to step into ourselves. And we will use fear to get people to comply with our demands. That's when we will become mentally and emotionally abusive. And this destroys relationships. But if we can come from a place of love for ourselves and a gratitude to God for this awareness, we will have a completely different experience. We will be at peace. We will be able to recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost leading us into the path where we can realize our potential. This process will build and strengthen relationships and create greater self-respect. 

21:10 

Hopefully the reason we will want to stop playing small is not out of anger for what we feel we may have been thrust upon us over the years, but from a place of love for ourselves and for the gifts and talents we've been given and that we want to develop. Because whether the concepts of playing small were taught to us intentionally or unintentionally, at this point, it really doesn't matter. It's something that happened in the past and all we can do about it at this point is learn from it. Harboring resentment and anger toward those who may have been instrumental in teaching us these ideas is not productive at all. It doesn't change it and it doesn't help us move forward into our better selves. 

21:52 

But rather, recognizing that we're now in a space to move forward, learning from the past and having faith in our future is a much healthier path to take. Having enough love for ourselves to be willing to take the difficult steps forward will create an environment around us that will help other people to embrace our contribution. Because coming from a place of love here is much more empowering than coming from a place of anger or resentment. And this is some hard and scary work. First of all, really acknowledging where you are in this process. Do you play small? And if so, figuring out your thoughts around it. And then the difficult work of learning from those thoughts and moving forward into truly finding yourself from a place of love. Because when we don't come from a place of love, we push everyone away. And then it doesn't matter if we're stepping into our true selves, because then we have no one to influence. Because going through this process is one that we do out of love for ourselves. We discover who we really are because we respect ourselves and want to become the best version of ourselves and contribute to this world in the way we feel we're created to do. Keep it on the side of love and this will be a beautiful strengthening process for you. 

23:18 

It's time, ladies. It's time for us to spread our wings and fly, to stop playing small and step into the amazingness we were created and born to be. And one last thought, this does not mean that we have to start doing more. Sometimes it means we start doing less. Think about that for a minute, right? We don't have to be doing more, but our processes have to be thoughtful and coming from a place of love. One-on-one coaching can help you figure out this process. Navigating the past, the present, and the future around stepping up into our into your own greatness, you may need some support and someone who can see things that can be difficult to see. Go to my website to sign up for a free mini session and let's get started on this amazing process, shall we? 

24:14 

I love growing up. I feel so passionate that we were created for a purpose and so many of us feel like we're just not even tapping into that. It's time. It's time. Let's do it. Let's grow up. Let's grow into who we were created to be. Alright, that's going to do it for today. Share this podcast if you know women who need to stop playing small. Let's work together. Let's support each other. Let's get each other where we need to go. Share this podcast. Leave a review. Subscribe to it if you haven't. Let's start building and creating the amazing amazingness that is us. 

25:01 

Okay, that's going to do it for me, my friends. Have a terrific day. Oh, and guess what? Then by the time this comes out, this is going to be your Christmas week. So Merry Christmas. I wish you all the best. And as we look at going into a new year, let's set ourselves up for an amazing, amazing time. Okay, and one thing on my website. Go to tanyahale.com. There is a freebie on there that's going to come up and it's going to be for an end of year review. This is spectacular. Can I tell you? I'm so proud of this piece of work for you that I've put together. I think it's so amazing and it will give you such a great view of where you've been in this last year and it really helps you understand where you want to go. It's such a great, great tool. So go to my website tanyahale.com and you can download it. It should just pop up on the page that says that you can sign up for this free end of year review. Do it, because it's fabulous. Okay, that is it. Have a Merry Christmas. Have a wonderful end of year and I'll talk to you next week. Bye. 

26:17 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!