00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 77, "Other People's Opinions." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hey, hey, hey, welcome back. Glad to see you today or hear you or speak to you, I guess is what it is, right? I guess I should get my terminology right before I turn on the microphone. Alright, hey, welcome back to another episode of Intentional Living. I told you lately that I appreciate you being here with me so much. I'm so grateful that I'm doing this and that I have the opportunity to share this amazing information with other people. And there's one other thing that I would like to share with you. If you have not signed up and gotten with me for a free mini session, what are you waiting for? It is such a cool experience to get coached. Every time I meet with my coach, I'm just floored by what I learn and what I experience and it's such a great option. 

01:09 

And especially now that it's the holiday season, what better time than now to have somebody kind of help you work through a stressful situation? Like what about that in-law who you don't know how to work with and you know you've got to get together for the holidays? Let's talk about it. Let's figure out a plan. Let's work through what's going on and what creates all the drama. Because I can help you do that. It's what I'm good at. It's what I'm trained at and it's what I love to do. And I would love to get in a bunch of free coaching mini sessions before the holidays. I just think this is a time where I can share that gift with you. And so get on my website tanyahale.com and go to the "contact me" page and send me a quick email. I'll get back with you and we will set something up and it will be awesome. And you'll love it. And you'll go, "oh my gosh, how did I ever survive my holidays without a coach before," because it's good stuff. I promise you. 

02:08 

Okay, so today we are going to be talking about other people's opinions or what other people think. I think this is such a fascinating topic, because when we start getting a little bit older we start to step into ourselves more and more and we start to not worry so much about what other people think. But getting to this place of 100% complete self-approval and not worrying about other people's opinions is difficult for many of us and it can still impact our lives in small ways that hold us back. And we don't want to be held back anymore, right? It's time for us to to spread our wings and fly. So let's go ahead and dig into this. 

02:48 

Alright, so how much time do you think you've wasted over the years thinking or worrying about what other people think, delaying decisions because you're worried about that? We can worry sometimes about how other people perceive us or if they think we're good or bad or righteous or wicked or if we have it together or if we don't, right? I know that for me part of my decision to get divorced was muddled in thoughts of what other people would think about me being divorced. Would they think that I was a failure? Would they think that I didn't try hard enough? Would they think I was a horrible mom? Would they think I was being dishonest when I was being positive and happy? Would they think that I was a hypocrite? 

03:28 

And it's not that those thoughts consumed me, because they didn't, but they were definitely thoughts that I had to work through before I made the decision to get divorced. They were thoughts that made me question myself and my motives and my values. They were thoughts that made me less accepting and trusting of myself. And the more I thought about what other people would be thinking about me, the more confused I became what I thought about me. And then I found myself occasionally trying to spin stories so that I would come out on top. I was trying to influence other people's opinions of me so that when the divorce did happen, people wouldn't think of me as the bad guy or the one for whom it was the reason that it all happened. 

04:13 

Okay, now I'm definitely not saying that I became spiteful and told bad stories about my husband every time I turned around. I think in a lot of ways I really tried to be very gracious and kind. But as I look back, I can recognize specific instances where I unconsciously would be trying to manipulate other people's opinions of me and of my soon-to-be-ex husband by small and almost imperceptible comments. And really that's what it was, manipulation. It's something that I look back and I'm not happy with the choices that I made. I'm glad to be moved on from that place. But that manipulation through that, I was trying to control what other people were thinking. And I was trying to control other people's opinions about me. 

05:01 

And at its foundation, worrying about and trying to influence other people's opinions really comes down to an idea that we can control what other people are thinking. Somewhere in our brain, we think that what I say or what I do can influence other people to either like me or like what I do. And to be honest, that's just not the case. I can't control any aspect of any other person and that includes what they're thinking. Their opinion of me is entirely their own business and to be honest, it actually has very little, if nothing, to do with me. When someone creates an opinion of us, that opinion is coming from their own mind and not mine. 

05:48 

Think about your own mind and about how you form your opinions about people you meet. Does that person remind you of your best friend growing up? Then you just might like them. Does that best friend end up stabbing you in the back in high school? Then you just might not like them. Okay, do I dress like their neighbor that they're having a feud with? Then they may not like me. Do they love my amazing boots? Then they might like me. Do I look like the old lady on the corner who used to yell at you for cutting across her lawn when you were a little kid? Then you might hate me. Do I look like the old lady on the corner who used to give you cookies when you walked home from school? Then you just might like me. This is the deal. The opinions we form about other people usually have everything to do with our own personal background and past experiences and very little to do with the actual person. 

06:40 

Have you ever been with a friend and met someone new? And afterwards, when you talked about the experience, one of you liked them and the other one didn't? Case in point. The person you met was the same person to both of you but you both experienced this person differently because of your own history and thoughts, your own personal likes and dislikes. So when it comes to other people's opinions, it has nothing to do with you. Their life determines their opinions and even if they tell me they're thinking one thing, they very well may be thinking something else completely different. 

07:16 

Point is, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in someone else's head and I have no way to control that. So one of the most liberating and empowering things that we can do for ourselves is to give people permission not to like us. People have their preferences and honestly, so do I. There are some people I meet that immediately for no reason at all, I feel like I have a slight aversion to or I immediately feel drawn to. The sooner I can really acknowledge and accept that whether someone likes me or not has nothing to do with me, the sooner I can move on to bigger and better things. 

07:54 

And here's another piece to thinking I can control other people's opinion of me. When I'm trying to control their thoughts or their opinions, I will find myself showing up in a way that really isn't me. I become a people pleaser. I'm trying to control their thoughts by becoming someone I think they will like. And then if they do like the me that isn't me, they're not really liking me anyway. They're liking the fake me that is showing up as the real me with the hopes that they'll like her. So then I'm stuck having to continue trying to be someone that isn't really me if I want to keep their good opinion. And can I tell you that's exhausting? Just going through that scenario was exhausting. It's way too much. 

08:41 

I think I've told this story before, but my first year of teaching full time was about 10 years ago. And I was confident and pretty self-assured at this stage. I had kids. I had a teaching voice. I had taught at the Missionary Training Center years before. I knew I was a good teacher. I knew at that time, too, how much I loved teachers who just kept their class laughing and fully engaged the whole time. I mean, that's who they make the stories about, the movies, right? So I just thought, "this is it." So I went into my first year of teaching, really trying to be this totally funny and overly energetic teacher who kept the  students riveted. Well, we may all love those kinds of presenters, but that's not really my personality. So not only was I exhausting myself every day trying to be someone I wasn't, but I also wasn't making connections with my students because how could they connect with someone who didn't really exist, with someone who wasn't being themself? 

09:43 

So over the next few years, I really started to learn to step into my own personality when teaching, and that's when everything seemed to start clicking. That's when I began to really connect with my students in a way that they could feel that I sincerely enjoyed being with them and helping them. In essence, I stopped trying to control what they were thinking of me, and I started showing up as myself, letting go of trying to control their opinions of whether I was a good teacher or a bad teacher. I started to give them permission to judge me, to not like me, to think I was a bad teacher or a good teacher, whatever they wanted to think. And that is when my teaching took a turn for the better. 

10:23 

When we take this concept then and put it into the thought model, what other people think of me is a neutral circumstance. What I make their opinion mean is my thought. What do we make it mean when we think that someone doesn't like us? Does it mean we're unlikable? Does it mean that we're not enough or that we're not kind enough or loving enough or pretty enough or skinny enough? Or do we have the thought that they can think what they want? They can have their preferences, and I'm just not one of them. It really all starts with my thoughts about their opinions. I cause all of my own pain or my feelings by my own thoughts. 

11:08 

So what if people want to start criticizing me for what I'm doing? Well, people have every right to not like me and even to verbalize it if they want. Again, it's my thoughts about their criticism that make it hurtful or not. Criticism is just a neutral fact. Does their criticism mean anything about me at all? Actually, no. It just means everything about them. What they think about me says everything about them and about where they are in their own minds, where their past has been, where their experiences have been. It's not even saying if they criticize me that they're a bad person. It's just showing where they've been and where they are. And if we can learn to get to this point where we can accept people criticizing us and don't make it mean anything about ourselves, think of everything we would be capable of doing. Because resisting criticism, fearing criticism, really holds us back. When we're afraid of criticism, we don't show up. We play small. And we try to be something that we're not. 

12:19 

So ask yourself this, if you honestly didn't have any fear of other people's criticism or negative opinions, what would you be doing today that you're not doing? What kind of work would you be doing? How would you be dressing? Or what would your hair look like? What kind of car would you drive? Or what kind of boundaries would you set? When we can truly let go of the notion that other people's opinions or criticism means anything about us, we can create the space in our lives for us to start to become who we are meant to become. 

12:58 

And this is where we can actually turn criticism into a positive thing. If we're living our lives in a way that we're receiving criticism, then good for you, girlfriend, because that means you are stepping into your potential. It means you're finding your voice, you're speaking up, you're having an opinion. And these things are all good things. Because even though there will be people who will criticize us for who we are, we will also be finding more and more people who love who we are. We will begin to find our tribe, our people, those whose values and ideas align with ours. When I show up as my authentic me, I will attract those who are like me. 

13:46 

But we have to know that when we start showing up, when we start creating and putting things out into the world, there will be always people who like it and people who don't. At first, that can be a little scary and intimidating, but over time, we grow into that place, which is amazing. I mentioned a few weeks ago when we were talking about taking action, that starting this podcast was a huge step for me in this area. I don't know that I've been a huge people pleaser throughout my life, but like everyone, I want to find the people in the world with whom I belong. I want to create a space around me with people that feel comfortable and accepted, but in doing this, I often held back from stating how I believed or what I was thinking because I was afraid of the criticism that can come when you start speaking out about what you believe and what you think. So deciding to put my thoughts and my beliefs out there for anyone in the world to listen to and criticize was a big step in my growth. Letting go of the idea that I can please everyone or control everyone's opinion of me or have everybody like this podcast, letting go of that, has done amazing things for my ability to start stepping into my own true self. 

15:06 

And I'm sure as this podcast grows I'll start getting more and more criticism. And I'm okay with that, because I'm at a point where I am confident in what I'm sharing. I feel very strongly that the concepts we talk about are so fundamental to good mental health and that mental health is the key to truly finding contentment and happiness in life. I know that what I'm doing is changing lives for the better, and I feel it so strongly that I almost can't help myself but to put it out into the world in some form so that I can help other people. Now, is everybody going to like the way that I put this information out there? Absolutely not. There's going to be a lot of people who are going "oh, you know what, her voice just bugs me," or "I don't like the way that she phrases things, "or "she just sounds..." whatever, right? That's okay. That's their preference. We all have our preferences, but here I am. I'm no longer fearful of other people's preferences and of them voicing their preferences. I'm no longer fearful of the criticism. I'm stepping into my voice and into my true self and finding my tribe the people with whom I belong. 

16:20 

Here's something I've loved about this experience. As I've walked away from caring about that criticism, I've become empowered by this process. It takes courage to accept other people's opinions and criticisms without making it mean something about me and courage is confidence, it's strength, and it's empowerment. It's not a place that flippantly says "I don't care what you think about me," okay? But a place that courageously says, "I care what I think about myself." And that is an amazing, empowering thought. I know what I can control and what I can't. I can control me. And that's it. I can control my thoughts, my feelings, and my behaviors. 

17:11 

When I care about what I think about myself, I truly start to become the best version of myself, the person I was meant to grow into in this life, the person who has been waiting inside of me to spread her wings and to fly. Embracing my own approval and courageously stepping into my place in this world is one of the most empowering places I've ever been. So I want to share with you one last parting thought about this idea that I love. When people don't like me, It has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with them, with their thoughts, their past, their experiences, their ideas. And it doesn't mean that they're good or bad. That's just who they are. But the opposite of that is true as well. When people do like me, it also has nothing to do with me. Again, it has everything to do with them, with their thoughts, their past, their experiences, and their ideas. 

18:17 

Learning to completely let go of other people's opinions and thinking has everything to do with me stepping into my own approval and confidence and self-love. And in this place, I am free to grow and progress in the best way possible for me, in the way that allows my true self to be seen and heard and to come forth in her amazing glory, to spread her wings, and to accomplish things in this world that only she can accomplish. I love growing up, don't you? This process of stepping into who I'm meant to be is the most amazing, fulfilling, and empowering experience of my life. And I'm glad that you're joining me as you step into this place in your life as well. It is awesome. 

19:16 

Okay, so as I stated at the beginning, if you want a coaching session, a free mini-session, get on my website, tanyahale.com. Check it out, let's do this. Let's work on your mental processes on your thoughts so that you can have a better holiday season. Alright, my friends, if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please share it with someone else who needs these concepts for better mental and emotional health. This is where we then can find the courage to step into who we truly are. So share this podcast, subscribe, go on and leave me a review, if you will please. I would love that. And that is gonna do it for today. Best of everything to you today, my friends. Go out there, slay the dragon, be awesome, make your life incredible. Okay, talk to you next time, bye. 

20:08 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.