00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 66, "Emotional Balance." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Okay, well hey there. Welcome to the podcast today. So happy that you're joining me I hope that this is proving to be a great thing in your life, that you're finding opportunities for growth and development, and you're moving forward and doing greater and better things, finding more of your purpose here on life, tapping into your potential of what you really can do and can be. I just love this process in life. And so now, if you recall, two times ago we talked about mental health and in that we gave a list of ten things that we need to have to be mentally healthy. So we talked about the first one last time, which was having future plans. And this time we're going to talk about the second element of mental health, which is emotional balance. 

01:14 

Okay, so I'm going to preface this by letting you know that of all ten of these mental health practices that we're going to talk about, this is the one that I personally struggle with the most. In fact, as I've been working on and preparing for this podcast, I had some huge moments of self-discovery that have opened my eyes to some real work that I need to do to have more mental health in this area. I'm going to share that some of those experiences with you a little bit later. But I do think it's important for you to know that just because I talk about stuff here does not mean that I'm super good at all of it if any of it, right? I'm still a work in progress, just as every single one of you are. I'm hoping that as I share my struggles at times with applying this information, that it will help some of you to connect with the ideas more and see areas of improvement in your own lives. Because this process here, this is all about growth, and I know that's why you're joining me here, because you have a drive to grow and to progress and to move forward. 

02:19 

I know that as I've been doing this podcast and I have to focus in more on topics and concepts and I have to understand them enough to teach them to you that I have had so many insights into my own thoughts and my own behaviors and my own feelings that I have previously been unaware of. So this has been a great thing for me and I appreciate you joining me on this amazing journey called life. This being human gig has so much more depth and complexity than I used to ever even be aware of and it's one of the aspects of growing up that I am loving so much. It's not just a day-to-day skimming on the surface, and I lived that way for a lot of years, and I feel like now I'm starting to move past that. Okay, so let's dig in, shall we? Emotional balance. 

03:11 

Starting right off, let's identify what that means. Okay, emotional balance means that there is a balance in our emotions between positive and negative. As we look at the world around us, we see that everything is in balance. We have male and female. We have day and night, right and wrong. Good and bad, light and dark, life and death. This is what we call the 50-50, right? It's amazing that when we really open our minds to this idea that we start seeing the balance all around us. And our emotions are the same. We may say that we have positive and negative, or maybe even difficult and easy emotions. But just as the world around us is in balance, so should be our emotions, because this balance is what creates the full experience of being a human. I love that in The Book of Mormon, Nephi talks about how there must be opposition in all things, or righteousness could not be brought to pass. Think about that for a minute. If there could not be righteousness without wickedness, that's pretty important, right? We cannot know the good without knowing the bad. 

04:24 

Nephi goes on to say that this balance was created in order to bring about the eternal purposes of man. In fact, he says this balance plays a huge part in our agency, for we have to have a choice. Later in the chapter, he even says that Adam had to  fall in order to experience joy, which the footnote refers to "joy" as our "eternal potential." So he had to fall to earth in order to have eternal potential, fascinating, right? This balance in the world is part of God's plan for our eternal progression, and yet so many of us are so bad at feeling the more difficult emotions in our lives. When it comes to negative emotions, many of us want to do anything but feel them. In fact, we usually have one of four responses to negative emotions and only one of them is good. 

05:23 

Okay, so the first response that we usually have is to resist. We're pushing back against the emotion, and this actually creates more tension and perpetuates the emotion, right? It doesn't provide any healing or relief because we're not processing the emotion. We're resisting it. We're pushing back. If we fight against the feeling, it only increases the struggle. The second response that we will often have to negative emotions is to react, and this may look like screaming or crying or attacking someone else in some way, but again, this is not processing the emotion. We're acting out against our emotions rather than feeling them and processing them. And our goal here is to get to the point that we process the emotions. 

06:08 

The third thing that we do is we may avoid them. And this is when we create a distraction from our feelings. And our culture has made this super easy. And we often refer to it as buffering or numbing, meaning that we will do things like overeating, maybe overdrinking or working too much or turning to electronics to take our mind off of it, right? We're just doing something to avoid processing the emotion. And the last thing, the last option that we really have that is the way that we will be healthy for us to go is to feel the emotion. Many of us are not very good at this one. But it is the only productive response of these four things. The more willing we are to feel the negative feelings, the better we will get at it. And eventually the less difficult it will be and the stronger we will become. Positive changes come from our willingness to feel these negative emotions. For example, if we're willing to feel a deeper sorrow, we open ourselves up to feeling a deeper joy. 

07:13 

So here's a change in thinking that most of us need to have. Negative emotion does not mean that something is wrong. It doesn't mean that we've done anything wrong and it doesn't mean even that someone else has done anything wrong. It's just the balance of life. It's just part of our experience here on earth. But it's interesting that our primitive brains have a natural tendency toward negativity. And that's the part of our brain, remember, that is always seeking to protect us and keep us safe and alive. So it has to be aware of dangers and this causes us often to see negativity. And this is especially applicable when it comes to having negative emotions. Our primitive brain sees negative emotions as something negative. that we want to avoid. But when we can learn to embrace the negative emotion rather than resisting, reacting, or avoiding, we can really begin to experience life in all of its glorious diversity. 

08:14 

Think about how brilliant diversity is in the world around us. The mountains and the beaches. Glorious sunny days and brilliant thunder and lightning storms. The thick green of the jungle in the expanse of the desert. All of them have their own amazing brilliance, but we appreciate one because we acknowledge the other. So it's really important that we begin to normalize having negative emotion. I know that I grew up thinking that having negative emotion meant that something was wrong with me or with the situation. But as I've been coming to an understanding that feeling negative emotion is not only normal and natural, but important to my growth and development as a human being, I'm beginning to see it from a whole new perspective. And really it's only my negative thoughts about negative emotion that make it negative. I can choose to have completely different thoughts about my emotions if I want. 

09:12 

So here's an interesting fact: did you know that fear and excitement register the same in our bodies? Yep, they feel the same. So what makes one feel like fear and the other one feel like excitement? It's our thoughts. If we think the circumstance is bad or terrifying, we will feel fear. If we think that think the circumstance is amazing and thrilling, we will feel excitement, right? That is processed by our brain. Think about sitting on a roller coaster and it starts to go up that first initial huge hill with a dead straight drop at the top. We can either feel fear or excess excitement based on our thoughts. Pretty cool, right? So we can have whatever thoughts we want to about whatever emotion we're feeling and we don't have to think of negative emotions as being negative. 

10:09 

Also, just because it's a negative emotion doesn't mean that it will produce negativity. We have to think about the thought behind the emotion or the motivation behind the emotion. This can be better understood if we start to consider whether the  emotion is energy-producing or energy-depleting. And this helps us to realize our thought behind the emotion. For example, we may feel fear but is it the kind of fear that spurs us to action or does it shut us down? Is it producing positive or negative emotions? Guilt can either push us to change for the better or cause us to spiral into shame. Sorrow can help us feel more gratitude for what we've lost or it can spiral us into depression about what we've lost. Sadness about a situation can cause us to become self-reflective or self-condemning. Our thoughts about our negative emotions can either make us feel out of control or make us feel empowered. When we understand that we can create either positive or negative energy we can step into that empowerment and have a different experience. 

11:30 

So learning to feel gratitude for all of our emotions can help us to find the reason that they are important right now because there's a reason we are feeling the way that we're feeling. The emotion is just information about the situation we are in. So the question to ask ourselves is w"hat information do I need to right now and what do I need to learn from this information?" This right here is a game changer because realizing that we don't have negative emotions just because there is a reason for them, they are packed with information that will teach us something important if we will acknowledge them and feel them long enough to listen to them. If we will become aware of them and learn to use them, they will help us to grow and to be more alive. They will provide the balance that we desperately need to truly experience God's plan of opposition for us. 

12:32 

I absolutely love this quote from Pema Chodron, I think that's how you say her name. She says, "feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us with terrifying clarity exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher and lucky for us it's with us wherever we are." Okay, brilliant, right? I had to read that several times because I just was like, "what, that is amazing." Basically she says negative emotions can often be indicators or signals of where there is still healing to do and thinking to change. 

13:33 

Let me give you an example from my own life. A few years ago I was speaking with one of my brothers on the phone about a sensitive topic and I was feeling so many negative emotions about what we were talking about. And eventually those emotions built up and I yelled something and I hung up on him. Okay, so now this is not my normal at all. I am NOT a big yeller and I'm not a real "get angry" sort of person on a regular basis. But after the emotional dust kind of settled and I had time to start reflecting on my actions, and that did not happen within minutes, I will tell you I had several days of processing and and trying to figure out this emotion. But I realized through this response that I had some issues that I had not worked through pertaining to my marriage and my divorce. I had some work to do to understand my reactions so that I could begin healing that negative emotion that I felt was information to me that something was not working well, that something was not processing right for me. It was such an important experience for me so that I could learn where I was hurting and I could address those issues and start to move into a better place, which I feel that I have. 

14:55 

And I've recognized that for most of my life, I have avoided my negative emotions because I thought they made me bad or because I thought they were somehow wrong. There was a lot of shame for me around having negative emotions. And this is where one of my big ahas about myself came this last week while I was preparing this podcast for you. To avoid my negative feelings, I've realized that I would often just switch emotions before I even acknowledged that I was feeling a negative one. I was avoiding, so I was using that third tactic we talked about. I didn't know that I was resisting or avoiding it by switching. I haven't even made that connection until this week. But I think that's exactly what I've been doing. But I've gotten so good at it over the years that I don't think that I feel many negative emotions because as soon as they start to come up, I switch in my brain. What I've actually been doing, I believe, is switching emotions. I've talked about that. As soon as I start to feel something negative, I'll change my thoughts or ignore the situation or think something different about the situation. So I'm not feeling the negative emotion because I'm switching before it has a chance to take root. So I've been using the avoidance tactic, but my buffering of choice has been positive thoughts. Not necessarily eating or cell phone use or whatever. I just, I switch. So I'm not allowing myself to dig into negative emotions. 

16:35 

So does this have a good side? I think for sure, I think it does. I'm generally a very positive and happy person and this has a lot of benefits in life. However, I'm starting to see the downside of this as well. If I'm not allowing myself to acknowledge that  I'm having negative feelings because I'm avoiding them so quickly, then I'm missing out on information that those feelings are trying to teach me. For example, maybe in a relationship with someone, I avoid all of the negative emotion that could come up. As soon as something negative starts to happen, I switch it to a positive. I focus on something positive. Or I look at the bright side of the story, right? Because of that, I could be denying myself information about how the relationship may not be headed in a good direction. Or maybe I wouldn't be acknowledging a character trait in the other person that would be in obvious conflict to my personal values. Difficult emotions, I'm learning to understand, can protect us by giving information. In that example I just used with a relationship, negative emotions could be giving me information that something was not right in that relationship. 

18:04 

And maybe this is where the spirit of discernment comes in as well. Maybe those negative feelings are part of what helps us to discern what is good and what is not good in our individual lives or in particular situations. And by me completely not acknowledging the negative feelings I've had for so much of my life, I may have been denying myself the spirit of discernment to help me make better choices and to learn things that will help me progress and grow in the way that I need to. 

18:39 

So another downside I've recognized this last week about my dismissal of my negative feelings is this: I can only feel things as deeply in a positive way as I'm willing to feel them in a negative way. So if I'm only willing to feel negative emotion at a negative 2, then I can only feel a positive emotion at a positive 2. Or negative emotion at a negative 7 and then positive at a positive 7. That's the balance, right? There have been many times in my life that I have felt that I am emotionally shallow, like I can't feel things very deeply, on a positive level even. And I'm starting to realize that this may very well be part of my personal struggle with this. By denying myself access to deeper negative feelings, I'm also denying myself access to deeper positive feelings. 

19:37 

And that brings us to another point. There is absolutely no reason for us to push ourselves to grow if we're always happy. It's the discomfort of difficult emotions that move us into a place of progress, and this human experience is all about growth and becoming the best version of ourselves that we can. Uncomfortable emotions push us in that direction. So hopefully by this point in the podcast you are at a place where you are seeing where you are in all of this positive and negative emotion feeling stuff. I focused almost entirely on the negative emotions because that's where most of us struggle. 

20:20 

In fact, I don't know many people who want coaching because they are just too happy and too peaceful and content. We think that it's the negative emotions that make us feel out of balance when in fact it's our resistance to the negative emotions that are causing the imbalance. Let me say that again because that's a huge point that I want you to understand. It's been a huge point for me this week to figure out. Many of us think that it's the negative emotions that make us feel out of balance, when in fact, it's our resistance to the negative emotions that are causing the imbalance. If we were to allow ourselves to fully feel the negative and seek to learn what those negative emotions were teaching us, we would then start to feel the balance and the centeredness that we seek in life. 

21:13 

Okay, so now let's take the last few minutes to talk about how we can increase our ability to feel the negative emotions so that we can create this balance that we want. Okay, step number one, stop judging yourself about the negative emotions that you feel. If we are judging ourselves thinking that we're bad for having these difficult emotions, we will not allow ourselves to feel them. Understanding that negative emotions are normal and healthy and informative and don't mean anything about our self-worth is the first big step. 

21:47 

Okay, second step, allow the feeling, stay present with it, alright? This last winter, when things didn't work out with the man that I had been dating for four months, it was really painful. But having been doing this work, I tried really hard to be present with the difficult emotions. There were times that I would come home from work and I would just go lay on my bed for a few hours and allow myself to feel the pain. I wouldn't allow myself to get on my phone or read a book or get up and clean my house. I forced myself to just lay there and to think and to feel. And it was hard to do that, but in the end, it was very healing and I learned a lot about myself during those times of just trying to feel and process rather than resisting, reacting or avoiding. And I think I moved through it quicker because I processed my emotions rather than doing those resisting, reacting, or avoiding, right? I processed them, I felt them. And the process of overcoming the pain of that that broken relationship was faster. 

22:56 

So step number three, describe it in detail. So this is a really fascinating step. So really seek to explain how the feeling feels. Physically, what is it doing to your body? Do you feel shaky? Is your heart pounding? Does it feel like your heart is breaking in two? Can you feel your pulse in your head or in your hands? Is it a dull ache or a sharp stabbing pains? Does it feel hot? Does it feel cold? Pretend here that you're just observing from an outsider's point of view what is happening. This helps us to realize that it is really just a feeling and that this feeling won't kill us. Alright, the more we're just able to describe it, the more we just see that, "oh, it's just a feeling." 

23:45 

Okay, number four. Name the emotion. This step here really requires higher emotional intelligence. So rather than saying, "I feel hurt,"how about we say words like, "I feel miserable, I feel victimized, I feel vindictive, furious, humiliated." Really learn to identify with more specificity our emotions and it helps us to find the information that is waiting behind the emotion. Okay, so those are four steps that we can use. 

24:20 

So here's the thing, ultimately they're only feelings. They are only vibrations in our body that may be causing discomfort. And our primitive brains don't like discomfort, but that's all it is. What if our prefrontal cortex took charge and we learn to start saying to ourselves, "I can do this feeling, this is only a feeling, it's no big deal. Having this feeling is really actually pretty harmless." What if we got to the point where we were willing to feel anything? What would you be willing to try if you were willing to feel embarrassment or fear or emotional pain? How would you grow if you were willing to feel these emotions? What if you were to set a goal to feel fear or self-doubt or vulnerability tomorrow? If you were to go outside of your comfort zone and feel these difficult feelings and then if you felt them and you came out the other side alive, you would be more confident in your ability to do hard things. You would gain greater self-respect. You would have a greater understanding of who you are and what you're really capable of. You would have greater mental health. And you would be growing, which is such an important part of what we're doing here on earth. 

25:45 

And isn't that what this journey is all about, moving into a stronger, healthier, more capable version of ourselves? This is part of the definition of good mental health. Okay, growing up is freaking awesome. I love, love, love this. I learned so much about myself this week and I'm not really sure how to start processing all of this and how to start getting to a better place, but I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to figure out how to stop completely avoiding my negative emotions. I think a lot of times I don't even realize that I'm doing that, but I need to. I need to start doing that because there's information for me in those emotions and I need to learn and grow. I need to understand things better and I really have been praying lately for the spirit of discernment so that I can see and understand what I need to. And I think that those emotional, those negative emotional feelings are a huge key for me to be able to discern better what God has for me to discern. 

26:57 

Alright, my friends, there we go. If you would like some personal help from me, you can get on my website tanyahale.com. You can go to the "contact me" button and there will be an email option. You can email me your information and I will get back in touch with you and we will set up a free consult. Okay, a free coaching session to help get you started because I would love to help you learn to be more compassionate and loving to yourself and learn to help you work through your own emotions. 

27:29 

Okay, also really last quick thing. You liking this? Is this helping you? If so, please leave me a review. You can get on iTunes and you can just go to the "leave review" section. You can give me some stars and you can leave me a quick couple of sentences about how this is helping you and how it's moving you forward in your own life. If you haven't subscribed yet, please do that and also please share this with someone who you feel would also benefit from this kind of information. I love doing this. I love sharing this with you. I love my own personal growth process as I'm going through this. Thank you for sharing it with me and thank you for giving me a platform to share my information. Okay, have an awesome one. Talk to you next time. Bye. 

28:13 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to www.tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.