00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 63, "Rejection and Approval." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hello there, my friends. Happy day to you. Hope you're having a really terrific one. I hope it's like one of your best days ever. Best, not just because of the things that happen, because of what you choose to make it be and because of how you choose to think. Because we know that what we think creates everything, right? It creates how we feel and the more used we get to choosing our thoughts and to really intentionally thinking on purpose, the better our lives can be because we find more consistency and more joy and equalness in our emotion. So I hope you have a great day. If you're at the end of your day, I hope it's been spectacular and I hope it's been a self-reflective day for you so that you can find ways to make your life better. 

01:13 

So today we are going to be talking about rejection and approval. I started off by, you know what, approval is one of those strange words that I think. So I decided to start out by asking Siri for the definition, and my man with the British accent told me this: "approval is the belief that someone or something is good or acceptable." Interesting, right? Where do we fit on that? So let's start at the beginning. When we are born, approval is really a necessary thing and this goes back to our primitive caveman days when our approval into the society of mankind could literally mean life or death. In those days, if we were a loner, we didn't have much of a chance for survival. We needed the tribe to help us stay alive. So our primitive brains have been pre-programmed for approval from others and that was a good thing back then. 

02:13 

It was also a good thing when we were young children because this is how we learned to survive as a human being when we were young and dependent. The fear of rejection kept us alive, literally. The approval of others when you're a toddler could also literally be the difference between life or death especially depending on how dysfunctional your home was. You read some stories sometimes where toddlers are rejected and it's heartbreaking, right? So as we grew older we started to learn that approval could gain us certain privileges. If we tried out for a dance or a sports team, the approval of the coach decided whether or not we gained access to that team or not and if so, the approval also decided whether we got play time or not. 

02:57 

Socially, when we're teenagers, we are frantic for the approval of others around us. We want to fit in and not be rejected. And our brain still seeks for that connection and approval from those around us. So though we wanted the approval, we were also terrified of the rejection and would sometimes isolate ourselves in order to avoid the rejection of our peers because the rejection was so painful. Our education system in the United States also has a built-in approval system. Am I meeting the approval standards? Am I at grade level in my learning? Does my teacher approve of my behavior in regards to other students and teachers? And in a sense, this approval lets us feel that we are worthy and not rejected by those very people that we are dependent upon for our survival, a brain that goes back thousands of years, right? 

03:50 

So we have all of these social norms of approval that are built into our culture and that actually serve an important purpose. But we also spend a lot of time avoiding rejection, kind of the opposite of approval, right? We protect ourselves by hiding and playing small in order to fit in. But it's important to look at ourselves and see how much time we spend rejecting ourselves ahead of time by hiding and playing small in order to not be rejected by others. But here's the thing about rejection: any time we create something or are vulnerable and show our true selves, we risk rejection. We risk people hating what we do. We risk their approval. However these approvals are all determined on what we do and not really on who we truly are. And this is an important distinction to make because although what we do can be important, it does not determine our ultimate worth. 

04:52 

When I was in junior high, I was really quite an awkward child. My family didn't have a lot of money and I wasn't really, really taught a lot of social skills. So though I was nice and generally liked, I was always a bit on the social outskirts. When eighth grade came along, the ultimate in awkward ages, there were cheerleader tryouts. Okay, now let's be clear. I had no dance or tumbling experience. I had two huge front teeth with a big gap between them. And though I tried really hard with hair and makeup at that age, I definitely was not doing very well. And I'll be honest, I really had no idea what a brand name was until I was a missionary when I was 21. I was out of touch with the cool kid vibes for sure. And cheerleaders in my small Idaho hometown were the epitome of cool kids and they had all those vibes and what I thought I wanted to be. They were beautiful, they were popular, they were nice, and all the boys hung out with them all the time. So really, what insecure 14- year-old girl wouldn't want all that? Because in my teenage mind, the part of a cheerleader would create the person. If I could be a cheerleader, I would automatically become popular and beautiful. 

06:12 

So I tried out for cheerleader, and shocker of all shockers, I didn't even make it past the first round of cuts. And at 14, this was a huge blow to my sense of self. I walked home after finding out and cried all the way, probably a 20 minute walk. I remember just feeling lost, like I didn't know who I was. If I wasn't a cheerleader, who was I? I didn't know. One thing I did know was that I had been rejected as a cheerleader. But what I didn't know then is that I was being rejected on what I could or could not do, not on who I was. My not making it past the first round had nothing to do with my worth, but my coordination, what I could do. But when you're a young teenager, there doesn't seem to be a distinction between those two things. 

07:04 

And part of the problem for so many of us is that as we grow into adulthood, we still don't understand that there is a distinction between who we are, or what we can do, and who we really are, what our worth is. When I have an evaluation at work, it has nothing to do with my worth as a person. I am being evaluated on my performance, what I do when I'm engaging with and teaching my students. When I get a speeding ticket, I'm not being evaluated on anything but how I drive a car. It has nothing to do with my worth as a person, right? It has everything to do with my tendency to have a bit of a lead foot after driving for five years on the German Autobahn, right? So our actions will be judged all the time. That's what people do. That's how we determine who gets hired or fired or what businesses we even want to frequent. 

07:59 

But when we confuse what we do with who we truly are, these types of situations can make us feel as though we are getting rejected, not just what we do. And rejection, when we feel it is us that is being rejected, can sting. And this is the first thing we really need to understand about rejection and approval. There is a difference between us and what we do. This pulls us right back to the discussion about shame and guilt that we had some time ago, right? Shame is that there is something wrong with us. Guilt is that there is something wrong with our behaviors. So if we are feeling as though we are being rejected, that is shame-based. When we can move into realizing that it is our behaviors that are being rejected, that is guilt based, which is a much healthier place to be. 

08:51 

So first step, recognize that our feelings of rejection need to be founded on our behaviors and not us. But either way rejection can sometimes be a tough pill to swallow even when we recognize that it is based off of our actions or our behaviors. So how do we avoid rejection? Alright, that is actually not the right question we need to be asking because life honestly is about rejection and about feeling the discomfort associated with it. There will always be someone who rejects you. Think about the most beautiful cabin in the mountains that you can imagine. It's isolated, it's upscale, there are loads of bedrooms and common areas and it's rustic and comfortable all in one. It's set among gorgeous pine trees with lots of wildflowers and a creek running close by, a huge porch and fresh air. To you it may be heaven, but there will always be people who hate the mountains and just want to be on a beach where it's warm and sandy and the water is cozy. Or people who hate the isolation of the mountains and just want to be in the big city with the hustle and the noise and the busyness. It doesn't matter how fabulous the cabin is there will still be people who would hate it and hate being there. And, it doesn't matter how fabulous you are there will always be someone who will reject you. The only way to avoid this rejection is to avoid the world. Keep yourself and your talents hidden because we have to be willing to accept this rejection in order to have the confidence necessary to put ourselves out there in the world. 

10:41 

Now imagine a life where you aren't afraid of being rejected. What would you be doing right now that you aren't doing if you weren't afraid of being rejected? Great question, right? So often we are unwilling to take the risk of rejection at the expense of doing our own work in the world. This need for approval from others can run pretty deep, deep enough that we may feel the need to hide our passions and hide our desires and not tap into our potential and contribute to the world in meaningful ways. We might find ourselves scared of the rejection of a group of people who really are wholly unconnected with us, people from whom we actually have no idea who they are. Often rejection is created in our own mind with no real basis for the fear, and yet self-confidence can move us through this emotion of fear. We will begin to act in spite of the fear because the confidence comes from the thought that we are capable and that we are bigger than the rejection. 

11:53 

But our willingness to feel the rejection is what will ultimately move us through it. Not fighting it and not rejecting it, but our acceptance of the rejection is what will move us through it. If I am willing to feel it, I can accept it because I realize it is part of the deal. It is part of growing into my greatest self. I will not reject myself first in order to prevent rejection from other people later. We have to be willing to lose the approval of other people in order to gain our own approval. And in the end, our own approval is what really matters in this thing called life. We often seek other people's approval at our own expense, at the cost of tapping into our greatest potential and moving into our inherent amazingness. We reject ourselves in order to avoid the rejection of others. 

12:52 

But do you see what is going on here? We are going to feel rejection either way, either from other people or from ourselves. We may as well experience it from other people so that we can move into a greater space of self-awareness and accomplishment. Accepting ourselves wholly and completely is the greatest way to combat the rejection of others. If we are going to be experiencing the rejection of others, we may as well counterbalance that out with doing what we love, tapping into our passions and our uniqueness. Finding the greatest approval within ourselves creates even more of ourselves. Rather than playing small, we begin to become big. Because our ability to grow is unlimited. We can grow and grow and grow our entire lives and never find the end of our potential. When we can learn to accept ourselves and this amazing potential for growth and passion, when we honor our true desires, we will move into our best place ever. It is there that we can become big. 

14:11 

And the only way to move into this best place ever is to risk everyone's rejection but our own. To be willing to be turned away by everyone in order to honor our deep-seated desires and drives, to value our unspoken feelings of greatness more than we value the shallow acceptance of others. But the really amazing thing that happens is that when we accept ourselves and tap into our greatness and our phenomenal potential, only then do we really start to gain the approval of others. When we approve of ourselves, others naturally follow suit. We show others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves because other people always follow our lead. 

15:03 

So this is like setting boundaries with ourselves. This is our mind telling our brain what is okay and not okay to say to ourselves and what is okay and not okay to do and behave. This is our mind being clear with our brain on how to treat us. And here's another fascinating point: rejection is just a feeling. Acceptance is just a feeling. And what causes our feelings? Our thoughts. If someone were to tell me that they hate the content I'm putting out on my podcast, guess what? Those are just words. It's what I make those words mean that will cause a feeling of rejection or acceptance from myself. Rejection isn't something that happens to me. I have to think a thought in order to create and feel rejection. I also have to think a thought in order to create and feel acceptance. And it's my choice what I choose to think. But the rejection is just a feeling. The acceptance is just a feeling. And it begins with my thoughts about my circumstance. I can completely shut myself down by thinking thoughts that create fear rather than courage. I can create feelings of rejection before I've even created an action for other people to reject. But I can also create feelings of acceptance from myself before I've even created an action for me or for others to accept. 

16:46 

So I've seen this played out in my middle school job all the time. I could have a 14 year old say something to me like "you are the worst teacher ever. I hate you," and guess what? That doesn't bother me at all. Why doesn't it feel like rejection? Because I know I'm not the worst teacher ever. In fact, I honestly believe I'm an amazing teacher and I know how much I love my students, so I don't feel rejected at all when they say those hurtful things. I actually begin to feel bad for them because I I understand that they have to be hurting quite a lot to feel the need to try and hurt others. So even though they reject me, I don't feel rejected because my thoughts don't accept that rejection, right? It all starts with my thoughts. 

17:32 

Have you seen that in your life? Can you begin to recognize that your thoughts are what create all of those feelings of rejection or acceptance? Our thoughts are so amazingly powerful. If we want to start feeling more acceptance in our lives, we have to start with our thoughts, because that acceptance doesn't come from anyone or anything but ourselves. So the more we recognize and embrace our own worth, the more we think thoughts of our own acceptance, and the more people's judgments of our actions have very little impact upon our feelings of being rejected or even accepted. 

18:15 

How different do you think your life would be if you didn't have the fear of being rejected? Our own approval comes from our willingness to be rejected. People pleasers aren't willing to be rejected, and perfectionists try to prevent it. People pleasers are terrified of the rejection of others because they struggle to accept themselves as they are and as they can become. Perfectionists are terrified of failure and often don't perform at all for fear of being seen as a failure. Neither people pleasers nor perfectionists accept themselves for their inherent value. If you are either of those, you struggle with feelings of self worth and self-acceptance. 

19:03 

So let's work on moving into the place where we are willing to be rejected by others, we are willing to hear "no," and our thoughts won't make it mean anything about our self-worth. Let's work on being open to people speaking out against what we're putting out into the world because we know that what we are putting out there is fulfilling our higher calling. Let's be willing to have people reject us so that we can embrace our own approval and move into a higher sense of who we are and even greater level of self-worth and joy. Many of us are unwilling to take action because action can breed rejection, but action also breeds confidence and approval from ourselves, and that's the most amazing thing. Approval that really matters in life begins with being willing to feel rejection from others. And when we approve of ourselves, we no longer feel rejected because our thoughts just won't even go there. 

20:11 

If you're ready to step into the work you feel called to do in this world, you have to be willing to feel rejection. But remember this, rejection is just a feeling. It won't hurt you, it won't kill you. It is only a feeling, nothing more. We have nothing to fear but the feeling of rejection. And once we feel it, we can begin to step into our own approval and our own acceptance. But doing what we feel called to do in this world is worth the risk of a feeling. It is worth the feeling of rejection. It is worth the disapproval of others because only when we step into this place of potential and growth can we truly feel the self-approval that will propel us forward into our greatness. And finding our greatness is the place of joy. 

21:06 

Isn't growing up great? Love it. I love getting it. I love the pieces fitting together. Alright, that is it for me today. I hope you have a really, really amazing day that you start to face some fears today and move into this place of self-approval that is a place of great joy and great amazingness. Alright, you can contact me at tanyahale.com if you have any questions or if you would like to talk to me about setting up a one-on-one coaching session. Thanks for being here. Share this with your friends if you feel it's helpful. And I wish you all the best today, and always have a terrific one. Bye. 

21:49 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.