00:00 

This is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 60, "Mental and Emotional Abusive Behaviors." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hello, my sweet friends. Thank you for being here with me today. I'm just really, really glad to do this work. More and more, I'm learning so much about myself, so much about my own mental and emotional health and learning about things that are just helping me to connect with people around me better, helping me to connect with myself better and to just feel more at peace regardless of what is going on. That definitely does not mean that we are happy all the time. But what it means is that when things happen, I have the mental acuity to deal with them and I can to deal with them in healthy ways. And I'm learning how to be more emotionally healthy as well. And I'm loving this process and I hope that you are joining me on this path to becoming more in tune with what's going on with you. 

01:16 

So if you remember the podcast that I did on the silent treatment, I've been looking into emotional abuse lately because there were some things that came up that I was like, "what? That's emotional abuse?" And when it first started coming on my radar, I was surprised by how many behaviors that many of us engage in, myself included, that are considered emotionally abusive. But here's the thing: I don't think if we knew they were emotionally abusive, we would continue to do them. I just think that we either saw these behaviors modeled as we grew up or we have turned to them as a way to control our sometimes seemingly out of control circumstances. 

01:57 

I know for me, I turned to a lot of these behaviors as a way to feel like I had a voice and feel like I had a say in what was going on, right? But as we take a closer look, we can really start to see how many of these behaviors are incredibly harmful to relationships. They don't allow relationships to connect because it breaks down trust. So often we're not even aware that we're doing these behaviors, let alone do we see them as being as harmful as they can be or see them as emotional abuse. I know I didn't. I know as I look back on behaviors that I would now put in the category of emotional abuse, I would never at the time categorize them that way, but now I see it very differently. 

02:43 

So I think a huge piece of the puzzle here is the intent behind the behavior as well. When we unintentionally engage in this behavior, because that's what we've seen modeled, I think it's very different than if we intentionally engage in this behavior because we want to control or manipulate the other person in some way. I would like to think that most of us listening to this kind of podcast would be in the first group. We would be engaging in these emotionally abusive behaviors just because we don't know better and we're not even aware of either the behaviors or the fact that we're doing them. And we're at a stage where we're looking for ways to improve our lives and we want to have healthier relationships with ourselves and with others. 

03:25 

And so when we start to receive the awareness of these behaviors, then we start to change them. I think many people who are intentionally engaging in emotionally abusive behaviors with the intent of controlling or manipulating aren't really looking for ways to change their behavior. They're not the kind of person that would listen to a podcast like this. And I'm also pretty confident that many of them also don't see what they're doing as emotionally abusive. They just think they're controlling the situation or figuring out a way to get their own way, right? 

04:00 

So while I was doing some reading on this topic, I came across this huge list of behaviors that are emotionally abusive. When you hear them, they're going to make sense but often we aren't making connections to them being harmful at the time we're engaging in them because we're not seeing them for what they are. Also, I want you to be aware I'm not sharing this list because I want anyone to feel guilt or shame around these behaviors. But rather I want to bring awareness to behaviors that are harming our relationships with those people around us that we love. When we become aware of our behaviors, then we can change them. So if you notice some of these behaviors in yourself, please don't beat yourself up about them. Note them, spend time reflecting on the how and the why of them being part of your go-to behaviors and then make a plan to start replacing them with more healthy behaviors. 

04:52 

Also, I'm going to present these as though we are the perpetrators here. I know that many of you may be in relationships where the other person is emotionally abusive and I think this list can help you to recognize some unacceptable behaviors, help you to know where you need to set boundaries, those types of things, and it can be very useful for this as well. But for the purposes of this podcast I'm going to speak from the place where we are the ones engaging in these behaviors rather than from the place where the behaviors are happening to you where someone else is doing them. 

05:24 

So the article I'm going to be referencing was in an online magazine called Healthline and the title of the article is "How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse." Okay, so here we go. This one starts off, but it divides it into categories. 

05:41 

The first category is humiliation, negating or criticizing. Alright, so this group this is the largest group and these tactics here are meant to undermine the self-esteem of the other person. The abuse is harsh and it's unrelenting in both big and small situations. 

06:04 

So here's some examples: name calling. You will blatantly call the other person stupid or a loser or sometimes other words. Derogatory pet names. This is really kind of name calling as well, but it has a little bit of a disguise to it because it's supposed to be cute, right? So you could say like "my little knuckle dragger" or "my chubby pumpkin." Okay, those aren't really terms of endearment. Okay, they're made to come across as such but they're they're digging in as well. 

06:36 

Another one: character assassination. So this usually involves the word "always." Okay, you'll say "you're always late," "You're always wrong," "You're always screwing up," "You're so disagreeable." Okay, those types of things. Basically, you're saying that they're not a good person in some way. The next one: yelling. Okay, yelling, screaming, swearing are meant to intimidate and make the other person feel small and inconsequential. Okay, and it might be accompanied by fist pounding or throwing things or slamming doors. Something along those lines to intimidate the other person. 

07:14 

Here's another one: patronizing. Saying things like "oh, sweetie. I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding." Okay, seems like a lot of women talk about their husbands that way especially in regards to the kids or the house. So that kind of is a type of patronizing. 

07:36 

Here's another one: public embarrassment. You're going to pick fights, expose secrets, or make fun of the other person's shortcomings in public. Right, even if it's done in a joking sort of way, you're you're calling them out in public. 

07:51 

Dismissiveness. They tell you about something that's important to them and you say it's nothing. This would be things like eye rolling, smirking, head shaking, sighing, anything that conveys the same message that "oh that's just not important, it doesn't matter." 

08:09 

Okay...joking. The jokes might have a grain of truth to them or they may be a complete fabrication, but either way they're meant to like make the other person look foolish. Alright, let's talk about sarcasm. This is often just a dig in disguise and when they object to what you're saying, you just say "oh come on, I was just teasing," or "stop taking everything so seriously." They're trying to say "hey, that's not okay" and we just blow it off. 

08:37 

Alright, insults of their appearance. You tell them just before you go out that their tie is really ugly or that something is wrong. You're insulting their appearance. 

08:51 

Here's another one: belittling their accomplishments. Okay, you might tell them that their achievements really don't mean anything or you may even start claiming responsibility for their success. "Well, you can only do that while at work because I'm here taking care of everything at home." Right? So belittling the accomplishments that they're making. Put downs of their interest. Okay, you might tell them that their hobby is childish or it's a waste of time or they're out of their league when they're playing sports or doing something. So again, denying them to be their own person and to let them know that the things that they're interested in are just not good enough. 

09:36 

Pushing buttons. Okay? Once you know something about the other person that annoys them, you're going to bring it up or you're going to do it every chance you get. 

09:47 

Okay. So here's the next section. This section, these all fall under an area of control and shame. So this is trying to make the other person feel ashamed of their inadequacies. This is just another way to create more power for ourselves. And some of these include threats. You tell them that you'll take the kids and you'll disappear. Or you say, "there's no telling what I might do." Things like that. 

10:17 

Another one: monitoring their whereabouts. Okay, you want to know where they are all the time and you insist that they respond to calls or texts immediately. You might show up just to see if they're where they're supposed to be. 

10:32 

Alright, another one: digital spying. Checking internet history, emails, texts, and call logs. Okay, you might even demand that they share all of their passwords. 

10:43 

Alright, here's another one: unilateral decision making. Okay, you might close a joint bank account or cancel someone else's doctor's appointment. Or go to a doctor's office to speak with their boss without asking, so you're overstepping those boundaries. 

11:01 

Financial control. You might keep bank accounts in your name only and make the other person ask for money. They might be expected to account for every penny that they spend, you want to know everything going on. 

11:16 

Lecturing. So you keep going on and on with these really long monologues to make it clear that you think that they're beneath you, like "I'm the one with all the answers. You need to listen to me." 

11:32 

Direct orders. Anything from "turn off the TV," and "come into dinner right now," those types of things. They're expected to be followed despite what they want to do, even though they're an adult. 

11:47 

Alright, here's another one: outbursts. When they don't do something that you want, you go into a tirade and you talk to them about how uncooperative they are and how they just don't care about you, those types of things. Any kind of outburst. 

12:04 

Another one: treating them like a child. So you may want to tell them what to wear, what and how much to eat, or what friends they can hang out with. 

12:15 

The next one: feigned helplessness. Okay, you may pretend that you don't know how to do something and you're going to take advantage of the fact that they know how to do something and you're gonna pretend like you don't know how. Like maybe even pretending like you're asleep when you know that they need your help. 

12:39 

Another one: unpredictability. Okay, you explode with rage out of nowhere and then you might suddenly shower them with affection or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat. You're always keeping them walking on eggshells. 

12:58 

Aright, another one is that you just walk out. Maybe in a social situation you'll stomp out of the room and leave them holding the bag and having to explain what's going on at home. It's a tool to keep the problem unresolved. Things never get solved, and this would go in the category of the silent treatment that we talked about a few weeks ago. 

13:18 

The last one in this section is using others. You may tell them that everybody thinks they're crazy or that everybody else says that they're wrong. Alright, so pulling in all of the others to prove your point. 

13:36 

Okay, here's the third section. This section falls under the category of accusing, blaming, and denial. So this behavior really comes from our own insecurities we want to create a hierarchy which we're at the top and they're at the bottom. 

13:57 

So here's some examples: jealousy. You might accuse the other person of flirting or cheating on you. Turning the tables. You say that your rage and your control issues are because of them, that it's their fault. If they weren't such a pain in the neck, then you wouldn't have to act that way. 

14:19 

Another one: denying something that you know is true. You might deny that an argument, or even an agreement, took place. This is something that is called gaslighting and it's meant to make the other person question their own memory and their own sanity. 

14:36 

Next one: using guilt. You might say something like, "you owe me this. Look at everything I've done for you," in an attempt to get your own way. 

14:46 

Another one. Goading and then blaming. Alright, you know how to upset the other person, but once the trouble starts, it's their fault for creating it. All of a sudden, so you start the fight, but then once they engage, then you blame them for the fight starting, denying your abuse, okay? When they complain about your attacks, you will deny it, and you'll be like, "what? How did I do that? I didn't see that," right? So we totally deny the fact that we are abusing them in some way. 

15:27 

The next one is that you might start accusing them of abuse. You start saying that they're the one that has the anger and control issues, and that you're the helpless victim. 

15:37 

Alright, another one in this category: trivializing, okay? When they want to talk about their hurt feelings, you accuse them of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. Oh, it's really not that big of a deal, right? 

15:52 

Alright, next one: saying that they have no sense of humor, right? An abuser is going to make personal jokes about the other person, and if they object, you'll tell them to lighten up. Alright, you're not taking their boundaries seriously. 

16:07 

Alright: blaming them for your problems. Whatever's wrong in your life, it's all their fault. They're not supportive enough. They didn't do enough, or they stuck their nose in where it didn't belong. 

16:21 

The last one in this section: destroying and denying, alright? You may destroy something and then completely deny that it happened. So for an example, you might crack their cell phone screen or lose their car keys, and then you totally deny it. 

16:39 

Alright, and the last section here is emotional neglect and isolation. So abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of the other person's. Abusers will try to come between them and other people who are supportive of them to make them more dependent upon you. So these are some ways that that happens. 

17:03 

Demanding respect. Okay, no perceived slight will go unpunished and they're expected to defer to you, but it's a one-way street. Alright, if that happens the other way around, they completely just disassociate from that. 

17:19 

Another one: shutting down communication. Alright, you'll ignore attempts at conversation either in person, by text, or by phone. This is an emotionally abusive behavior when we just shut down and don't respond. We don't hear them at all. 

17:35 

Another one: dehumanizing them. Okay, so you'll look away when they're talking or you're gonna stare at something else when they're speaking to you. You don't even acknowledge them as a person who is worthy of your attention. 

17:50 

Alright, you may want to keep them from socializing. Whenever they have plans to go out, you come up with a distraction or you beg them not to go. You're trying to keep them from having other people in their life to turn to. 

18:03 

Alright, trying to come between them and their family. You'll tell family members that they don't want to see them or you'll make excuses why they can't attend family functions. 

18:13 

Next one: withholding affection. You won't touch them. You won't even hold their hand or pat them on the shoulder. You may refuse sexual relations to punish them or to get them to do something. 

18:27 

Next one: tuning them out. You'll wave them off. You'll change the subject or you'll just plain ignore them when they want to talk about your relationship. 

18:40 

Next one: actively working to turn others against them. You'll tell co-workers, friends, or even family that they're unstable and they're prone to hysterics. 

18:51 

Alright, next one: calling them needy. Alright, so when they're down and out and they reach out for support, you'll tell them that they're too needy or the world can't stop turning for all of their little problems. 

19:06 

Okay, next one: interrupting. They might be on the phone or texting someone and you get in their face to let them know that their attention should be on you. 

19:17 

Next one: indifference. You can see that they're hurt or they're crying or they're upset and you do nothing. You ignore it. You just pretend like it's not existing. 

19:28 

And the last one here on the list is disputing their feelings. Whatever they say, you'll say that they're wrong to feel that way or that it's really not what they should feel at all. 

19:39 

Alright, my friends. What did you see? I saw several behaviors in there that I've engaged in over the years, especially during my marriage and with my children before my divorce. For me personally, getting out of my marriage really allowed me to start seeing things that I was completely unaware of when I was in it. But it also didn't happen immediately. My awareness of my hurtful and harmful behaviors has grown in the four years that I've been divorced. And I'm so thankful for that. I'm so thankful for where I am, this growing up process, right? I'm grateful to be where I am and to learn the things that I have. I feel like I have such healthier relationships, not just with the people closest to me, like my family, but also in my friendships. I feel like I'm engaging in such healthier ways as I have been able to recognize a lot of these harmful, mental and  emotionally abusive behaviors that I was engaging in as I've been able to adjust my behaviors so that I'm not engaging in that so often. I think where some of these behaviors for me I did for so long, sometimes it's hard for me to recognize that I'm doing them until after I'm either in the middle of them or after they've happened. But I'm starting to get better and I'm starting to really see things and have better, healthier relationships. I'm so thankful for that. 

21:02 

Okay, so if you've recognized behaviors that you've engaged in, again, I'm gonna remind you, this is not the time to start beating yourself up. This is a time to be self-reflective and to try to figure out why you resorted to these behaviors in the first place. Okay, this is where the healing needs to start. We don't start to heal things from our actions. We begin to heal them by discovering our feelings behind the behaviors and then our thoughts behind the feelings. We have to get to the thought line. This is where a good life coach such as myself can help you. I'm specifically trained to help you identify thoughts that you may not be seeing yourself and helping you to create new thoughts that will serve you better. 

21:47 

So if you'd like to discuss how coaching can help you to do this, go to my website, tanyahale.com, send me an email and I'll get back to you. Coaching is an amazing process to help create awareness and understanding of our feelings and our behaviors. I really believe everybody should have a life coach just because we just don't see ourselves as clearly as we sometimes could to experience the growth that really creates these healthy relationships with ourselves and with others. I love growing up, don't you? Love it, love it, love it. It just makes me happy to be in a place where pieces are fitting together and where I feel like my understanding of life and myself is creating a different world for me. Alright, so let's have an awesome day. Again, don't beat yourself up over this if you saw stuff, but be aware, figure it out, and move on it, okay? Have an awesome, awesome day and I'll talk to you next time. 

22:50 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email; a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!