00:00 

Hey, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 56, "Respect." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright, how are you? How are you really? I just pray with all my soul that life is getting better for you. That step by step, you're just seeing and experiencing things that are enlightening to you and that are making things work at a better pace for you. I know that that's where I'm at and I appreciate it and I appreciate this podcast because this podcast is really giving me opportunities to explore and see things and dig into things that I maybe before would have just thought a little bit about but not dug into the level that I am digging into them in order to coach you on them for 20 or 30 minutes. So I appreciate you being here with me and letting me work through some of my stuff with you. Today, I am working through some of my stuff with you. So you're going to see this. We're talking about respect today because I need to tackle respect today. 

01:17 

So I had a situation lately that has brought this to the forefront of my mind and as I've thought about it, I can see where my lack of respect in my failed marriage was a problem. So as I've been looking at these situations, I'm seeing some negative patterns that I feel that I need to and probably all of us need to explore a little bit more. I would dare say the lack of respect in a marriage or in any relationship would, depending on the severity of it, fit in the category of emotional abuse. As we talked about a few weeks ago, when we discussed the silent treatment, a lot of emotional abuse is not intentional. There are just a lot of patterns of behavior that we have learned over the years that don't serve anybody well. In fact, they cause a lot of emotional harm. But just because you recognize these behaviors we're going to talk about today also doesn't mean you're a horrible person. Okay, nobody is a horrible person. We are all people of amazing worth, but sometimes our behavior is horrible and sometimes it's horrible without us even being aware that it is horrible. But awareness is the first step to change, right? 

02:25 

So I'm hoping that for some of you as for me we can start to recognize some behaviors that are horrible. If not maybe they're just a little bit bad and not so horrible. But hopefully we can start to see some things in ourselves and in our relationships that cause us to go, "huh, I need to make some adjustments." I need to make some changes so that I can be better. And that is what this podcast is all about, right? So let's dig in and talk about respect today, shall we? 

02:57 

Okay, so this topic has come up for me because in looking at my life, I started thinking that I needed to be better at discerning things. I mentioned before that I often tend to be a little bit unaware of things going on around me, so much so that my friends have joked to me that I'm the governor of the state of oblivion, right? And it's all in good fun and I totally see it. The light side of this is that I rarely get offended because I don't see things and I don't recognize them as being offensive. The dark side of this is that I often just don't see things that I really need to see. So the seriousness of these thoughts for me started to come to my awareness last winter. 

03:42 

So I dated someone for about four months and it ended when I learned some things that I really wasn't okay with. And I kept wondering why I didn't see these things before, pretty big things. And I will say that even looking back, I don't recognize any really big red flags. But part of me keeps thinking that there had to be some things that I was just oblivious to. So part of me for this is that I tend to be a very trusting person. I really do want to see and believe in the best in the people I meet. But over the several months since that experience, I've thought a lot about my ability to discern situations. 

04:23 

So with that going on in the back of my mind, a few months ago I decided, maybe I'll try some online dating. Okay, so this is where we're going to get a little personal. I hope this doesn't make you super uncomfortable, but it is what it is. Alright. I haven't really done that before. And so I ended up going out to eat breakfast with a man who seemed really nice in a lot of ways. And our conversation came pretty easy and it was engaging. We had a lot of commonalities in things going on. But there were a few things he said that felt a little bit uncomfortable to me. For one, he made a disparaging remark about me being a life coach. And at the time I just kind of blew it off because I figured he probably wasn't really familiar with what life coaches do and how amazing what I do is, right? 

05:11 

And another thing, he spoke to me a little condescendingly about the fact that I was just stepping into the online dating scene. And he talked about how I was just like a brand new at this and I had a lot to learn and so just kind of that stuff. And he came off as making it sound like he could help me navigate the tough waters of online dating. So I just kind of blew both of those things off because I thought, well, you know what, he seems nice. We seem to get along well. And so after the date, we corresponded by text a little bit. We bantered some, which was fun and it was a little bit flirty. And I just thought about those two things as not really big things, you know, things that, I don't know, that I didn't really want to deal with. 

06:00 

About this time, I also really started praying for the spirit of discernment because I didn't want to be caught unawares again like I had been last winter. So just to be clear, I'm okay with a relationship not working out. I'm okay with the pain associated with a breakup. And I totally get that sometimes two people are just not compatible. But what I wanted to avoid was not seeing red flags that should warn me off earlier rather than later. So after getting back to this dating situation, after a busy summer, where he was out of town and I had a lot going on, I had family in town, I was getting ready to send my daughter off on a mission, things started to slow down a bit. So I texted him saying that if he was still interested in getting together, that I wasn't so busy and I would be available for that. And what I got back was a pretty disrespectful text. And he started calling me out on my being a planner and not being so spontaneous. And he was making questionable comments about my life coaching, kind of some little digs there. And to be honest, I was a little bit floored by what I felt like it was a pretty personal attack because we hadn't really communicated that much that I felt would warrant that kind of a discussion with me. 

07:20 

But here's where God started helping me to understand how much he cares about what I want. And here's where He started answering my prayers about being able to discern better. When he started coming at me with this, this guy, not God, when this guy started coming at me and saying "well here's some free coaching to help you out." I started to see how disrespectful he was being toward me and how I choose to live my life and something that I love and I value a ton which is my life coaching business. And it became very clear that the small digs he had made when we first met were something to pay attention to because those were disrespectful as well. They were like the tip of the iceberg, right? And I'm pretty sure at the breakfast we had together he wasn't trying to be disrespectful but I realized afterwards that if he would be willing to make those small disrespectful comments on our first meeting that it was only the tip of the iceberg of what was to come. And it came up pretty quickly more quickly than than I would have anticipated. 

08:26 

And this is when I really started to understand that respect is a big part of discernment for me, especially to be able to recognize that if there is a general lack of respect for another person that is a huge red flag. I may be way behind the curve, but this was a bit of an insight for me that I was like "oh, there's a respect issue." And I didn't recognize those few things at first when I had breakfast with him as being disrespectful, but now I look back on them... I go, "yeah, those were really disrespectful." 

08:59 

So I'm sure some of you are out there saying "I totally called it. I could tell he was an ornery cuss after the first date." Bam, well you're more practiced than me and that's why it's my time to learn this lesson. In my mind I just thought he was not knowing what he was talking about in regards to my coaching and he was trying to help me see reality more when it came to online dating. Which he totally did in the end. He showed me what online dating can be. 

09:30 

Anyway back, to the most important part here: God really opened my eyes to respect and what a small lack of respect can look like and how important it is because of the indications of what can come later. You know how I've talked about how the next step always appears. The next step in learning this lesson for respect for me came just a few days later when I got an email from the boundaries guys, they write all the boundaries books and I've read several of their books and I really like them. But I hadn't read the "Boundaries and Dating" one and this article came from the boundaries and dating book. So they send out small excerpts from one of their boundaries books and this one came from the dating book. After reading it it started to put pieces together for me in regards to having a better understanding of how to discern people and situations better. Had I been more adept at picking up on the disrespect clues, I would have called it good after the one breakfast date and I wouldn't have continued to text, right? But I disregarded comments that had meaning that was important because I didn't recognize them. 

10:44 

So there's some great stuff in this article that they talked about and for the rest of this podcast I'm going to share a lot of the ideas that came in this email because I feel they're very insightful as far as understanding respect better, whether you're dating or married. So the main ideas for the rest of the podcast are going to come from the email, but I will be interjecting several of my own ideas and comments. So just be aware that a lot of the vast majority of what continues from here comes from the the email, although for the most part I won't directly say it. If I do a direct quote I will let you know it's a direct quote. Okay so here we go. 

11:26 

So first of all, respect has to be present for any kind of relationship to grow and to flourish and each of the people in the relationship need to feel respected by the other and needs to have respect for the other. Okay, I know in my classroom if I don't have respect for my students, it all breaks down. There is no hope for us to have a working relationship. At their level of development, emotional and mental development and maturity, they will do everything they can to sabotage what's going on in my classroom if they don't feel respected. And I think a lot of us adults do the same thing in relationships, just not so obvious and outright. Okay, but a huge part of respecting each other in a relationship is setting boundaries where both parties are clear on what's okay and on what's not okay. Making fun of my life coaching was not okay. I love this so much and I'm firm believer in what I do and that it helps people. Someone who respects me will not make fun of it or disregard it. 

12:35 

A piece of this puzzle is empathy, though, and here's a quote from the article. It says, "respect is different from empathy though, any relationship needs both to be hand in hand. Empathy is the ability to feel another's experience, especially painful ones. Respect is the ability to value another's experience. You may not be able to actually empathize with someone but you can always take a position of respect for them. Relationships develop best when both empathy and respect are in place." Okay, so this is important stuff. 

13:12 

So here's another quote that identifies what a relationship is like with respect and without respect. So here: "when respect is present, the other person feels that he can be free to be who he is. He can be honest and still feel connected and safe. He doesn't worry that he will be attacked, humiliated, or treated poorly. When respect is absent, many people will find themselves controlled, neglected, or injured by someone who doesn't care about their needs or feelings." Asking for respect is not asking for too much. It's not like we're asking to be treated as royalty, right? It's a vital part of any healthy relationship. So the article used the following examples. And there's five of these. So these are direct quoted from the article. 

14:08 

"One: your opinion is heard and valued." Okay, so again, these are parts of a healthy relationship. Your opinion is heard and valued. 

14:16 

"Two: your differences and disagreeing are validated. 

14:20 

"Three: your choices are esteemed, even the wrong ones. 

14:28 

"Four: your feelings are regarded. 

14:31 

Powered by Notta.ai

"Five: when you are wrong, you are confronted respectfully, not talked down to, nor babied." 

14:38 

Okay, so those are from the article. So when these things are not happening in a relationship, there is a sign that this is a lack of respect in the relationship. Now, as I mentioned at the beginning, very often this disrespect isn't intentionally malicious. More often, it's probably just because the person is very intent on having it their own way, but a person who engages in these types of behavior will not be able to build the connected relationship that we seek for. But there also needs to be some open dialogue about our feelings, our needs, and our freedoms. 

15:18 

Now, in my dating situation, I don't think so just because there wasn't a relationship to begin with, and so it becomes a moot point to have that discussion. It would be ridiculous for me to contact him at this point and say, "you know what, I think we need to discuss this lack of relationship because I'm not interested in trying to continue that relationship." But if you are in a committed relationship, being clear on your feelings, your needs, and your freedoms is a discussion that you need to have with yourself and then with your partner. 

15:50 

Okay, you can tell when a boundary in this area has been crossed because you will start to feel uncomfortable with something that is happening in the relationship. You can feel hurt by sarcastic remarks, or you may become angry with a broken promise. As the other person respects you, they will take those feelings seriously and not just dismiss them as you being too sensitive, or too frigid, or too uptight. That's the very nature of respect, right? That the other person holds value in your thoughts and feelings, and even if they don't understand them, they will protect them from us and they will protect them even from themselves, right? A dictionary definition that I looked up defines respect as "to consider worthy of high regard." I love this definition. Even though a person may not understand or agree with you, they hold you in such high regard that they will act accordingly, okay? 

16:51 

So the article continues on by showing how disrespect can be manifest in seven different ways, all of them involving some violation of freedom of the other person. So this numbered section will be direct quotations from the article. So until I get through number seven, I'm quoting straight from the article. 

17:09 

So "Number one: dominating. The other person won't hear no from her date. When he disagrees, she intimidates, threatens, or rages. She is offended by her date's freedom to choose. For example, a woman may want her boyfriend to spend lots of time with her. When he tells her he'd prefer to do other things, she may disrespect his freedom or become angry and telling him their relationship will be jeopardized." 

17:37 

Okay, here's my jump in here. Okay, if you're recognizing these behaviors in yourself, pay attention, please. Okay, I think we all are going to engage in a few of these at least a little bit. And it's important if we want that healthy relationship that we don't just point fingers and don't just look at what the other people in our lives are doing. We have got to start looking inside. Okay, back to the article. 

18:04 

"Number two: withdrawal. One person pulls away when the other exercises some freedom or difference. He may isolate, sulk, or be silent. But he is passively punishing his date for her differentness. For example, a woman might want to go out with the girls on a night that her boyfriend wants to be with her. While he doesn't complain, he also doesn't call or talk to her for a while. He is showing her that he doesn't respect her freedom." 

18:34 

The third way: "manipulating. One person shows disrespect by subtle stratagems designed to make the other person change his mind. A woman may cry or nag to get her boyfriend to help her paint her apartment when he doesn't have the time." 

18:50 

Alright, number four: "direct violation. A person disrespects by continuing the same hurtful action, even after being asked not to. A man might chronically cancel dates at the last moment, even though she tells him how much this bothers her, he keeps on doing it. 

19:08 

"Number five: minimizing. One person says the other person's negative feelings are simply an overreaction. 

19:14 

"Number six: blaming. A man talks about a problem, but the woman indicates that he himself caused the problem. For example, a man will tell his girlfriend that it hurts when she makes fun of him in public. She might respond with, 'if you would pay more attention to me, I wouldn't have to resort to that.'" 

19:33 

And the last one. "Seven: rationalizing. The other person denies responsibility for whatever caused the problem. For example, the chronically late date excuses the hurt his girlfriend feels by saying, 'I understand your feelings, but it was the traffic on the freeway, not me.'" 

19:53 

Okay, so this is me again jumping in here. I don't know about you, but as I read that list and the examples they gave, I could see so much of that in my marriage. I saw times that I engaged in several of those behaviors. Now I can promise you, heart and soul, I wasn't doing it intentionally to disrespect or to control, but I was doing it unintentionally and probably subconsciously because I was trying to control something that felt so out of control for me. Okay, there was a lot of dysfunctionality going on in my marriage, but this was part of me trying to control because I felt so out of control right? So what about you? Did you recognize any of those behaviors in yourself? Obviously it's easy to look at people we have relationships with and point the finger because we can see so clearly what other people are doing that is wrong, but being able to acknowledge our own harmful behavior is a true sign of starting to grow up and mature emotionally. 

20:55 

So here's the big point here, respecting someone doesn't mean we agree with them on everything. It also doesn't mean we're going to always give in and that they're going to get whatever they want. What it does mean is that what the other person thinks and feels matters to us. That person and our relationship to them matters and because they matter we will seek to listen, we will seek to understand, and we will do what we can to help this situation and to work with them. But for a relationship to work it takes two people each respecting the other one. Whether it's with my students in my class, with a neighbor, a child, or with a spouse, it takes two healthy people to create a healthy relationship. 

21:42 

Now I have some students that regardless of how respectful I am to them, they have seemingly zero ability to show respect back and will be very hurtful towards me. And the more I learn about the situations these kids are growing up in, I understand why. They're not in a healthy place. So it can be that way in any relationship. Those are the tough situations where we have to find alternate ways to coexist or even separate ourselves from them. But I think most people and most marriages are two healthy people who are just still learning the rules of respect and of empathy and kindness and love and boundaries and healthy communication. That's not something to walk away from; that's something to work on. Healthy people can fix stuff. 

22:37 

The bottom line: if your feelings, your time, and your opinions, or your values are not being respected, it's time to take some action. There needs to be an honest discussion. Along the same lines if you are not respecting the feelings the time, the opinion, or the values of someone in your life, there also needs to be a discussion. Consequences need to be put in place. Continuing to let boundaries be crossed only breeds resentment and anger and destroys relationships from the inside out. Okay, so this is an important thing, this respect issue. Huge. 

23:21 

So this article really helped me to see some harmful and disrespectful behaviors that I have engaged in over the years. It also helped me to understand how to better discern people and situations so I can create and nourish healthy relationships and not toxic ones. It helped me to see some red flags that I need to start looking for as I occasionally go on a date, which still feels awkward for me to say out loud. So for me this article was really an answer to my prayers of how I need to discern better. I love that God answers prayers and wants us to be in healthy relationships. He's helping me figure this out. And so for now, I'm treading a little more carefully as I head out to go on the occasional date. So wish me luck. It's a scary world out there. 

24:11 

Okay, I love growing up. Don't you? I just love this process of pieces starting to fit together and I'm so grateful that I was given this situation so that I could see the importance of respect, and I can more quickly recognize little elements that show that another person does not respect. So if you would love some personal help from me with anything that you're working through, you can contact me at tanyahale.com We can book a free 20 minute coaching session to get you started. 

24:43 

Okay, and if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, go ahead and subscribe if you haven't yet. That way you don't miss an episode. And leave me a review. I'm hoping to get up to 100 reviews on here, and I've started to get a few more which I appreciate. Thank you to those who are taking the time to do that. I know it takes a few minutes. But if these are helping you, I would love if you would reciprocate that and turn around and help me by leaving a review. And also you can reciprocate that by sharing this with people that you know and that you love and that you get along well with. Because if it's helping you, it could probably help a lot of your close friends as well. That's going to do it for me today. Thank you for working through this respect issue with me and helping me to figure it out myself and we will talk to you next time. Have an awesome day. 

25:35 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!