00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 52, "Healing." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, good day to you. I hope that everything is going really great. I hope that you are finding yourself or creating for yourself a growth pattern in your life because really growth is where the healing happens, and growth is where the happiness happens. So if we're looking for a better life, we really have got to be on a growth pattern. And I hope that the things that I'm sharing with you here on this podcast are helping to put you in that place of growth. I know for me in creating these podcasts, an incredible place of growth since March when I started this, I have just had some amazing experiences and grown a lot in my understanding of what I'm doing and what things matter and how to change my own thoughts so that I'm creating the kind of life that I want to have. So thanks for joining me here today. 

01:14 

Today we're going to talk about healing. There's all kinds of healing that needs to go on, from big things to little things to all kinds of stuff. So we're just going to start off right with this: isn't life amazing? It's amazing in a shocking kind of way because it's amazing to me sometimes how short-sighted we can be. You know that quote about how we can't see the forest for the trees, meaning that we're standing in the middle of the forest and the trees are up so close that they're all that we can see. We can't see the big picture or we can't see the forest because we're stuck in the trees. Or it's sort of like driving a car on a road we're unfamiliar with. We can see just what's around us but don't have any idea of what's coming up. Is there a bridge over a huge river? Is there a deer in the road? Is there a traffic jam four miles ahead or maybe even an amazing vista that will take our breath away? We can't see what's coming up because we're just in our own place doing what we're doing. We have very limited vision because of where we are and what we are currently experiencing. And we're often so immersed in what is currently happening that it can make it difficult to see beyond the situation we are in right now. 

02:31 

And this is the story of our lives, isn't it? We just can't see where things are going and we get hung up on what we can see right now, what we're experiencing right at this moment. And this is just so normal, but how we have trained ourselves to think about our situations makes all the difference in the emotions we have in conjunction with our circumstances. And this is where many of us have gotten stuck. We get stuck in thoughts that aren't helpful or that aren't taking us on an upward path of growth. And often these thoughts will create so much drama, right? These intense over-the-top thoughts that create drama. So much so that we will think our lives are falling apart. And boy, it can sure feel like it sometimes, doesn't it? But our thoughts are what create the feeling of falling apart. The drama and the panic that makes us feel as though we are drowning and that everything in life is horrible and it's never going to get any better. 

03:38 

Okay, now I'm not saying that we don't go through some really, really tough situations sometimes. One of my good friends from high school just died this last weekend at 51, leaving behind a wife and eight children. And I can't even imagine the challenge of his dear wife and children. And I do understand that this is an extreme example, but it's also a very real situation for my friend's family. Life is unpredictable and tough, and that's for sure. And we have experiences that cause us a lot of pain and hurt. And it can be a challenge, especially when we're first hit with these trials. It can be super overwhelming to figure out our next steps and to start wrapping our heads around what we're going through. And it can for sure feel like our lives are falling apart. Our thoughts at this point can be running rampant with thoughts like, "what now?" Or "why me?" Or "what do I do now?" And this is probably exactly as it should be. It's hard to see things clearly, or even with a positive perspective, when we're drowning in overwhelming thoughts and emotions when the situation just feels so big. 

04:52 

And very often we just find ourselves in survival mode while we are overwhelmed with so much grief and responsibility. And these are probably, no doubt, the right emotions at the right time. And who's to say this isn't exactly how it should happen? Maybe this is part of the process that makes it possible for us to deal with the challenges and stay connected to people and situations that have brought us so much joy over the years. No doubt, this stage is part of our grieving process when we're going through change of any kind. But you know, whether what we're going through is something like the death of someone we love or something like hurt feelings after someone says something unkind, we need to eventually start adjusting our thoughts to ones that will help us move forward into growth and into healing. We definitely need to give ourselves time to fill all of the emotions associated with something tragic. And I believe the bigger the challenge, the longer it may take us to wrap our heads around it and get our feet on the ground, but at some point, we need to move forward into this. 

06:01 

Because falling apart is rough on us. It's exhausting to fight the same emotional fight every day. It's exhausting to never feel hope for a better tomorrow. It's exhausting to constantly feel as though we have no control. Falling apart ultimately has us giving away our power to other people or to unseen forces that we feel have dealt us a bad hand. And when we give away our power, we are also giving up responsibility for our present condition and also for our future. And this is just as uncomfortable as the discomfort of getting back up on our feet after a huge struggle. But what we really need to realize is that this life really is about discomfort. All growth comes from discomfort. So even though you're going through something right now that is causing you discomfort, realize that although you may not currently feel grateful for it, this discomfort will eventually lead you to a better place. 

07:07 

So we've talked about the thoughts that can come so naturally right after a difficult situation. Thoughts like "what now" or "why me" or "where do I go from here?" These are such easy places to go, but they are not helpful places to stay in, especially long term. When we feel our world is falling apart, one of the most important things we can do is to slow down the process. We do this by starting to identify our actions, our feelings and our thoughts about the situation. You recognize that from the thought model, right? Okay, so often we get on autopilot and go from the situation, we skip to the actions without really noticing the thoughts and the feelings. But the thoughts and the feelings are what causes the actions to happen. 

07:56 

So if we can learn to slow down and get in touch with what is happening inside our head and our heart, we can start finding hope for a way out of our feeling of our life is falling apart. So we do this by conducting what we call a thought download. A thought download is just a time when you sit down and write out everything that is going on. In that process you'll start to recognize the situation or the circumstances, your thoughts about it, what feelings those thoughts create, and the actions that are created by your feelings. So if you just got a little bit confused there, if you're not totally familiar yet with what the thought model is, I want you to go back and listen to two podcasts. Okay number 19, "The Stories We Tell Ourselves" is going to help you understand how to separate the circumstances from our thoughts. That can be very challenging. And then the second podcast I want you to go back and listen to is number 28, "How to Coach Yourself", and that's going to talk about how to use the thought model better. It's going to explain this more in depth, okay? Because I have talked about it, so go back and listen to those if you need some coaching on that. 

09:03 

So here's the thing, it can be so easy to slip into a comfortable thought, a thought that we have had our whole lives, right? A thought that we may have always let control our emotions. And many of those thoughts can be ones that make us feel sorry for ourselves and that cause us to blame other people. And when we're stuck in blame or in victim mode, it always feels like our lives are falling apart because we feel like we have no control, right? Okay, so these comfortable thoughts that we've thought our whole lives are not always good, but we do them so subconsciously that we very often don't even realize that we're having these thoughts until we start seeing the actions or the results from those thoughts, all right? 

09:52 

So we have to start learning to think intentionally about what we're going through, the circumstance, and choosing the thoughts we want to have, which will then create our emotions. And this will empower us to make completely different choices. And when we start making different choices, we start seeing completely different results in our lives. And when the growth trajectory that naturally brings greater happiness and contentment with where we are and where we're going. And when we feel this greater happiness and contentment, we begin to more naturally think more positive and hopeful thoughts, which creates more positive emotions, which then creates better actions and results, right? So it creates this upward cycle.  And to think that this all starts with a thought. Everything in our life starts with a thought. 

10:51 

So some people say it just takes time to heal. And I don't believe that. Time doesn't do anything to help us heal except give us space. It's what we do within that space that creates the healing. It's the change of thoughts and actions. It's the learning and the processing. It's the acknowledging and the accepting. That's what heals us, not just the passing of time. It's what we do inside ourselves, inside that time, that makes the difference. So if you feel as though things in your life, or even your life itself, is falling apart, remember that it all starts with a thought as to how long you're going to stay in that space. And this is entirely your choice. This doesn't belong to anyone else. It's yours to process through and yours alone. But at some point most people start to feeling stuck if they stay there too long. They start feeling the need to move on and move forward. And once we start this process of moving forward, amazing things start to happen. This is when we start to heal. This is when we start to find greater confidence. This is when we start to feel empowered. This is when we start making the transition from falling apart to getting it together. As long as we are ignoring the pieces on the ground or intentionally sidestepping them, we can't start putting those pieces together. 

12:22 

So this place of starting to pick up the paces is a great place to be. And this takes time as well. We need to learn to be deliberate oftentimes in what we choose to think in order to create the feelings we want. If we want to feel hopeful, what we need to start changing our thoughts from things like, "why did this have to happen to me," to something like, "what can I learn from this?" Or "this is teaching me how to be more patient or compassionate or charitable." This is one of the great lessons from Victor Frankel's book, "Man's Search for Meaning." If you have not read this, it is amazing and one of the the best books that we can read as far as this topic goes. 

13:09 

As a psychiatrist in a World War II concentration camp, Dr. Frankel clearly identified that those who survived the tragedy were those who were able to learn from their suffering. They knew they couldn't avoid it, but rather than give in to the suffering, they chose to find meaning in the suffering. Just this change in thought, searching for the meaning, will begin to start creating a completely different feeling inside of you. And when you feel differently, more positive, you will begin to create more positive actions. And those actions will take you to a more positive place in your life. But again, this isn't something that usually happens overnight. This is a process that takes continual awareness of what we're thinking and and how those thoughts are affecting our feelings and our actions. And all too often, we will find ourselves walking the same thought paths that take us to negative places. And that's okay. We are where we are. But just as soon as you realize that your thinking thoughts that are creating feelings or actions that you don't want, jump onto the new thought path that you've identified that will take you to the more hopeful, healing and positive place you'd like to be. And then just be consistent, consistent, consistent with changing that thought pattern. 

14:30 

And over time, guess what's gonna start happening? You'll start to see things completely different. The situation will not have changed, but how you look at the situation will have changed. What you see in that situation will be results that bring goodness and happiness and contentment to your life. Does that mean we're not gonna wish for a different situation? Very likely not. I'm sure my friend's wife and children will always wish their dad was with them and he hadn't died at such a young age. I'm sure Victor Frankel wished that he had not had to endure three years in a concentration camp. I wish I would have been in a marriage that didn't end in divorce. But over time we can also see some positives that have come from such challenging situations. 

15:19 

Maybe my friend's children will learn to be more compassionate to others who have gone through similar trials. Maybe one of them will find a life calling and being a grief counselor for children who have lost parents and this person will bring so much comfort and meaning to their client's worlds. Maybe the wife out of necessity will find a vocation where she can add a different kind of value to the world. One where she taps into a previously untapped reservoir of her uniqueness that can help her fulfill callings in life that she may not have been able to access without this challenge. Maybe kids who were struggling step up and take on greater responsibility at a younger age and make better life choices because of this more mature responsibility. 

16:02 

Victor Frankel, in his challenge of being in a concentration camp, was able to discover the importance of finding meaning in suffering. And through my marriage struggles I was able to come to a much stronger and more driven path and I feel like I found my calling in life coaching. And I don't feel I would have gotten here had I not gone through that struggle. And though I'm sure my friend's family will always miss their husband and dad with an intensity that is overwhelming to feel sometimes, over time they will also start to see that other things start fitting into place. They will eventually start to move from falling apart to picking up the pieces to falling into place. And this is when healing happens, when we move from a place from feeling as though everything is falling apart to feeling as though everything is falling into place. Painful? Yeah. Difficult? Of course. Lonely? Definitely. But totally doable over time and vital for our growth. 

17:15 

When you speak with people who have endured difficult, difficult trials, it's always amazing to me how many of them are grateful for those trials because of what they've learned and who they have become as a result of those trials. It's not the specific trial that matters. It's what we choose to do with the trial that makes all of the difference. And if we can have the faith to believe that ultimately God gives us challenges that will help us to become the exact person that He needs us to be, and then if we do our part by learning to have faithful and hopeful thoughts. We can find that healing occurs and we can begin to move forward. We can start to find meaning in our suffering and that's when the healing begins. Because it's not really about the pain and the hurt and the fear and the failure. It's about the process of moving through those and about who we become in that process. And that's when we can start to believe that maybe things aren't falling apart. Maybe they're falling into place and then we can start to heal. 

18:23 

Isn't growing up a great place to be? I really, really love it. If you would like some personal help from me to learn how to heal better or just to navigate some other tough situations with more clarity, you can contact me at tanyahale.com. That's my website. You can book a free 20 minute coaching session to get you started. I am down to only offering three of those a week. So if you would like one, you need to get on and get that scheduled. I would love to be a part of helping you to heal and find a better place. And lastly, if you feel this podcast is helping you out, please share it with a friend. You can go ahead and subscribe so that you make sure that you never miss an episode and you can leave me a review. I'd really, really appreciate that. So that is it for today. Healing. We all need to go there, right? At some point, something is painful and something has been hurt and we all need to heal. And the process is learning to feel those emotions and learning to also start thinking different thoughts that take us to better places and don't keep us stuck. I hope you have a really, really terrific day today. And I hope that you can start thinking thoughts that will take you to a healing and happier place. Have a terrific day. I'll talk to you next time. 

19:47 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would like some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!