00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 48, "Love is All You Need." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Hey there, how are you today? I hope things are going great. I just have to say that, you know what, this time in my life is the most amazing time I've ever been in. I am in such a good place and I'm so happy with where I am. And part of that is that the last several years for me have been such a growth place. I knew that when I got out of my marriage about four years ago that I had a lot of things I needed to work through and a lot of things I needed to figure out. So I started on that process and my growth game the last four years has been amazing. 

00:58 

I'm going to talk today about my latest big aha that has taken me to a whole new place. Now, I mentioned this a few weeks ago that I was having some experiences and they were leading me to think some things and go some places and I was still working on it. Well, I still am working on it. But I've come to an understanding of what's going on and it started with actually kind of a rough experience and one that I'm not super proud of. But sometimes these experiences that we have when we cross boundaries or when we say something mean, which I did, and it's the experience I'm going to talk to you about today, they become some of our best learning experiences if we will slow down, take time to look at them, explore them, and figure out what's going on. And this is what's been happening for me. 

01:47 

So, the title for today is "Love is All You Need." So here we go. You know how sometimes It seems like things just start fitting together and you learn things that you really need to learn? It just feels like the next step in your progression and in your growth. And it's like the next thing that God needs you to understand is just laid out before you like a red carpet. I experienced this when I was getting ready to file for divorce. It just seemed that the next step was always shown to me right when I needed it. And I've experienced this, especially the last four years, as I mentioned before, as I've been focusing on my emotional health from the tough parts of my marriage and the divorce. 

02:28 

So I had a friend shortly afterwards who exactly at the right time introduced me to Brene Brown's work. And that was a huge starting point for me in helping me understand where to even start with my healing. Then when I was getting close to finishing learning a lot of the stuff that I needed to to her to really create a good foundation, I came across a book on my bookshelf that a friend had introduced introduced me to about two years earlier. and I had bought it and stuck it on my shelf and hadn't done anything with it. The book was Byron Katie's book called "Loving What Is," and that book last year just blew my mind. But I personally wouldn't have been ready for it until after Brene's work. But Byron Katie's work laid a foundation for accepting people and situations for what they are and for understanding that I have the responsibility to be in control of my own thoughts and feelings. 

03:22 

Then, even though I had already encountered Brooke Castillo's work, I started to dig into it a little bit deeper her work at the life coach school and then I started to have even more pieces fit together and then a few weeks ago I had a personal experience that really introduced me to my next step. I've alluded to it but I feel like I'm beginning to finally understand enough to share it with you all. It's been a matter of self-discovery that has been so enlightening for me. So at the end of episode 40, "The Secret to the Universe," I told you about a situation where I said something to someone and later realized that it was unkind. And this is where my story begins. So I'm going to give you a little bit more detail and I'm going to get a little vulnerable here with sharing some personal feelings and experiences. But the lesson I've learned has completely shifted my life and I want to share these ideas with you. 

04:13 

I'm a fairly independent person and so being divorced and having to do so much on my own is not only fairly easy but definitely preferable to what I was needing to do when I was married. There isn't much that I don't enjoy about my life right now. I just am in the best place ever. So I was chatting with someone I know, if you recall at the end of that other one I was talking about how, getting ready to go for a walk with my friend and I saw somebody. Her husband had died several years ago and her youngest child is just a year younger than my youngest. And when I asked her how she was doing she mentioned something about how difficult it can be to have to take care of a lot of the daughter's things on her own now that her husband's passed away, like driver's licenses and things like that. So I came back with a comment about how I always do things like that on my own and I really like it. Okay, right? 

05:05 

So looking back now I'm appalled that that's what I did and that's what I said. And about 10 minutes later after I said that I realized how insensitive my comment was and that's when the girl that I was going for a walk with, I said "oh my gosh do you know what I just said to so-and-so." And I told her and she was like "oh yeah, that wasn't very good." I'm like "I know" and I started to really think about it. So the next morning I did a thought download and a thought model on that situation. 

My first thought that I said as I was kind of just downloading everything was "she should be over this by now." Okay, serious? I have issues but I mean that's just horrible to think. 

05:48 

But one thing that Byron Katie taught me is to start questioning my thoughts so I asked myself is that true? Should she really be over it by now? And my most obvious answer was "no, she shouldn't be over it by now. She should be exactly where she is because that's where she is. She's in her own process of working through her grief and taking care of the things that she needs to and handling things that she didn't always have to handle on her own." And so I was sitting on this knowing that there was something else I needed to discover. You know that uneasy feeling that says you're not quite there? I was having that. I knew that I was on the verge of discovering something that I really needed to discover but it was it was just eluding me for a few days. And so having this thought that she really should be over it by now I knew was not where I needed to go but that it was it was leading me somewhere. 

06:49 

What I still needed to understand was why I would think she should be over it by now because that's not the kind of thought I want to have. It's judgmental and that feeling caused me to say something unkind and insensitive, which is not the kind of person I want to be. So it took me about four days of mulling this over to realize that it was coming from a place of responsibility. So let me explain this. I've realized through this process and through digging into that emotion and those thoughts that I'm one of those people who generally feels responsible for everything. And although this is a great attitude in many ways, as with all attributes, there's a dark side right. I will generally step up and help with prep work at the family dinner or with cleanup. I'll host family Sunday dinners. I'll plan the family reunion because you know somebody has to do it and I'm the responsible one. 

07:47 

But the other side of this puzzle is that since I've always had a more optimistic attitude and I look at things from the bright side, it's been easy for me in my life to not get depressed or down on myself and beat myself up. So combining these two things, this optimistic upbeat attitude and my sense of responsibility, I've realized that I've always felt my whole life that it was my responsibility to show other people how to be happier, how to have a better life, to always set the example of positivity and happy living. So when I made this comment to a friend when I said, "you know, I do this all the time and I really like it," right? I was coming from this place in my heart of feeling that it was my responsibility to show her how she can be happy as a single mom. 

08:41 

Okay, so here's where I started to put pieces together. First of all, it's not my responsibility and second of all, our situations are not really even close to being similar. So for me to be so presumptuous as to think that I understand her challenge is ridiculous and self-righteous. But there you have it. This is my responsibility plague, okay? So this is the dark side of responsibility. And for me, this was a huge, huge aha. I realized that my thought that I'm responsible for helping other people to be happy was a big problem. But doesn't it sound nice? I'm responsible for helping other people to be happy. It sounds like that would be a lovely thing to think and that it would spread happiness throughout the world, except that it's not and it doesn't. That thought that I'm responsible to help other people be happy is making me judgmental and it's making me unkind. And that is definitely not the kind of person I'm striving to be. 

09:44 

So then I had to keep thinking through the thought model and start to figure out what thoughts would be better than thoughts of responsibility. So an unintentional thought model is just what I do without thinking about it. An intentional model is when I decide, "well, what do I want to feel? How do I want to act? And what thoughts do I need to have to create that?" So I started trying to figure out what would be a better thought than the thought that I'm responsible for people's happiness. And again, it took me another three to four days of really thinking about this, of doing several thought models to get to the point where I could be clear on it. 

10:22 

And to be honest, I'm still working on the clarity, but I really think I'm starting to understand. I realized that the feeling I really want to have for all people is a feeling of love, not a feeling of responsibility. Because if I had been talking to her from a place of love, my response would have been one of empathy and kindness. I would have said something like, I'm sure it's so hard to have these huge milestones in your life and not have your husband here. My judgmental response, however, called her out for not being over it and not being happy enough. A loving response would have accepted her where she is and expressed compassion for her struggle rather than judgment. 

11:09 

So now I'm thinking all about love in every process I go through. I'm thinking about this and it's starting to change how I'm seeing the world. I've talked about this in several of the past few podcasts. If I could be motivated by love in everything I do, my life will be so much better because when it really comes down to it, it's all about me. Everything I think and feel and do is all about me. It has nothing to do with anybody else. Now hold on. Lest you think I'm getting all apostate on you and turning to the dark side of self-awareness, hear me out. I'm definitely not saying that we shouldn't love other people and strive to be kind and serve other people. What I'm saying is that my motivation for doing all of those things needs to be coming from a place of real love and not responsibility. Okay, I've always felt like I was supposed to be a good example for others. 

12:15 

Isn't that what we're often told at church, that we need to be an example? And again, that's such a lovely thought, isn't it? Set an example and show others the way and we'll all live happily ever after, right? But when my motivation for setting an example is responsibility, I'm doing it all wrong. My motivation is causing me to actually be more selfish because I'm acutely aware of the example I'm setting. I'm focusing on me, me, me, rather than what really matters, okay? Which is loving the other person and acting in a Christlike way. I think when it comes down to it, when I'm tapping into God's love and incorporating that love into my life and my motivating factor becomes love for God and for others and for me, then my actions are going to line up perfectly to make me an example without even trying to be one. 

13:19 

Okay, my actions haven't come from a selfish place of look at me or responsibility. They've actually come from an unselfish place of love. So I've come to realize that if I can seek to have thoughts that will create feelings of love, then whatever situation I encounter, I will walk away feeling better. I can be at peace with whatever happens. happens and however it goes down because I responded with love and compassion. The situation may not always end up in what I think would be ideal, but really, isn't it ideal if I have behaved in a way that creates peace and contentment in my own heart? Isn't it ideal if I have learned to manage my thoughts around certain challenging circumstances so that I can just love as God does? The reason why God is God is because He has learned to do this. 

14:18 

In fact, the scriptures tell us that God is love. He embodies everything there is to embody about love. Everything He does for us comes from a place of love. Every law and commandment He gives us comes from a place of love. He wants us to be the best people we can. Every consequence we receive comes from a place of love. He wants us to understand universal laws of cause and effect and learn to abide within them to achieve what we ultimately want. When God forgives us, it comes from a place of love. When He chastises us, it comes from a place of love. When He blesses us or withholds blessings, it always comes from a place of love. So this is our example in life of how to truly live. Love. All we need is love. 

15:07 

We don't need responsibility because if I'm truly loving others and loving God and loving myself, my actions will step up to care for other people in a truly selfless way. So I believe it really is all about us. When other people say unkind things to me, it's not about what they said. It's about how I respond to what they said. It's about me, not them. When I have a conflict with  someone, it's not about the conflict, which is just a differing of opinions. It's about how I respond to the conflict. If I respond with love, then I will listen. I will be more concerned about what is right and not who is right. When I say something unkind to another person, it's about how I respond to myself in that moment. Self-love, right? Do I love myself enough to be self reflective and explore why I responded that way that makes me feel bad? Do I love God enough to want to get my thoughts, my feelings and actions in alignment with what He wants for me? And yes, that would include an apology, because that would be the loving thing to do. And it would also include forgiving myself for making a mistake. 

16:31 

This loving place I'm speaking of shows love to me, and to you, and to everyone. Are we gonna get there today? Probably not. I've been aware of this for a few weeks now, and shocker, I still don't have it down. I imagine this is a lifelong process of learning how this applies. Making adjustments, getting a little better, and then making another mistake, and then going through that process again. But learning to approach every situation from a place of love will ensure that I am in the best place I can be, and that I'm growing in the direction I need to grow. Learning to come from a place of love will diffuse contention and offer empathy and kindness, and I will accept and embrace others. When I set boundaries from a place of love, it will be a completely different experience than if I set them from a place of frustration or anger. When I enact consequences for my child's behavior from a place of love, rather than from a place of frustration or anger, it will be completely different. It will look different. It will feel different. It will sound different. 

17:46 

Why did Christ say that the first and greatest commandment was to love God and the second was to love our neighbors as ourselves? Because this is where living the gospel and our best lives begins. Learning to live from a place first and foremost. This concept has been changing my life for the better in the last few weeks and as I've been coaching clients with this concept and teaching them, it is changing their lives as well. 

18:18 

So one last thought. Although I feel bad that I was unkind to someone who needed some kindness, I'm grateful I made this mistake so I could go through the process I have gone through to come to a better understanding of how I need to change in order to grow. I'm grateful that the next step in my growth was laid out in front of me so that I can continue on the path of becoming a better person. Love is all we need and then everything else just falls right into place. Isn't growing up amazing? This process of figuring it out and seeing the bigger picture a little bit at a time as the pieces come into place. I love it. 

19:05 

Okay, if you would like some personal help from me to find out how to learn how to come from a more loving place or just to navigate some really tough situations you're in, contact me at tanyahale.com. You can book a free 20minute coaching session to get you started. I would love to help you be more compassionate with yourself. And as always, if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please do a few things for me. Make sure you subscribe so you never miss an issue. Leave me a review. I would like to get up to 100 reviews and you can help me with that. If this is helping you, turn around and help me by leaving me a review if you will please and share this. That would help me as well. Share it with people who need it. I love doing this. I love sharing the things that I'm learning and I hope that it's helpful for you as well. Alright, that's it my friends. Have a terrific day and remember it's just all about love. If we can get ourselves to a loving place everything is going to be better. Okay, talk to you later. Bye. 

20:06 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!