00:00 

This is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 45, "Grown Up Thoughts." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alrighty, hey there! How are you today? I hope you're just having a great day. I have to tell you, my daughter just makes fun of me all the time because I love to finish my podcast with saying something about growing up. Like, "isn't it great to grow up" or "I love growing up" or something. Because I do! I love hitting this place where we grow up and so she'll always say, "don't you just love growing up?" And I'm like, "stop teasing me." But I do. I really, really love the place I am and I love the pieces of the puzzle that are fitting together for me. And growing up brings a perspective that you just don't have when you're younger. And so this is where I love it. 

01:02 

So today, I'm going to talk about grown up thoughts. I want to talk about some of the thoughts that I have learned as I've gotten older that I feel have made me and my life so much better. And this is not an all-inclusive list by any means and I'm sure that you will have millions of things that you could add to this, of things that you've learned. But here's six of the biggest things that I have learned about getting as I've grown up. 

01:31 

So number one: I should not be happy all the time. I grew up thinking that I should always be happy and having naturally a more optimistic personality and not being prone to depression, this was a super easy thing for me. But what I discovered over the years about the idea that I should always be happy is that to always see things that would make me happy, I got pretty good at glossing over things I probably should have been seeing, or choosing not to see things that would make me feel something other than happiness. 

02:08 

So just as a side note, I have some friends who are just funny and they're clever and they love me for who I am and what's going on, but they used to tease me that I was the governor of the state of oblivion because I was so good at just not seeing things, and I still am. That's a behavior that is so ingrained in me. I'm trying to be better at recognizing and seeing things that I don't usually see. There is a good side to that. The good side is that I generally just don't get offended because I don't notice things that are happening that I could, but the downside is that I also don't see people in the way that I need to. But it keeps me from being in a place of negative emotion and this really affected my ability to make connections with people for a long time. 

02:57 

So isn't it interesting that we can have amazing, positive experiences with people, and that's great, but when we really go through a tough experience that may bring negative feelings, those are the ones that really bind us to other people. We avoid the challenges and trials in life, but these things are the very things that bring us the depth of character, and that when we've gone through them with another person, then they bring us a depth of connection as well. So about 20 years ago, and I don't remember any of the details, and I've looked for it and haven't been able to find it, but I read a study that was trying to figure out what made close families close, and after studying hundreds of families, the thing that they came down to that all these families did together was camping, and they were a little bit like, wait, wait, wait, it can't be camping. Like, it sounded so strange at first, so they started digging a little bit more into it, and this is what they found. They found that camping almost always presented the family with a catastrophe of some sort. They would get caught in a huge rainstorm, and they had to sleep in puddles in their tent, or they ended up leaving the camping stove at home and didn't have a way to cook their food, or something like that. 

04:12 

 Just last weekend, I went camping with some family, and on the way home, my brother-in-law's truck had a problem, and we had to figure out alternate transportation home. But all of these circumstances that may cause thoughts that bring feelings of frustration, or anger, or irritation, when they're given several weeks to settle down, ultimately, these experiences created a bond among the family members that became something that they laughed at. It became a story in their family lore that connected them, and years later, they would talk about these stories and laugh about them together. Again, that connection does not happen right away. They found that it took several weeks but ultimately it became a positive thing for the family. 

05:00 

The main point being that the negative emotions caused by these kinds of situations are not something to avoid or despise. Negative emotions are part of our human experience and they are necessary, vital for our growth and development personally and in relationships. And I have noticed that a conflict in marriage or with children or siblings or friends, when it's worked through with love and listening, the relationship always ends up in a better place than it was before because respect is gained and love is grown. So this idea that I should not be happy all the time, great one. Life's 50-50. Half the time I should be feeling negative, half the time I should be feeling positive. It's just the balance of the universe. It's just how it works. Alright. 

05:55 

Grown-up thought number two: everybody's path is different. This has been a huge grown-up thought for me. I've always been a pretty black and white sort of person. It's easy for me to see that there's a right way and a wrong way. Except that in the past few years, I've learned that there is not necessarily a right way and a wrong way for every person. My right way may be your wrong way and vice versa. And this realization has been so liberating for me. And I've mentioned this experience before, but it came to me one day when I saw a vision of sorts. And I'm not a visionary person, but I had this experience. God had something to teach me. 

06:39 

And at this point, I do not remember the details surrounding why I was thinking about these concepts. But I saw Christ in the middle and surrounding Him from every angle were people working their way towards Him. And I had this huge aha and I realized that God was working to teach me that everyone's path will be completely different, but that they may all be working toward reaching Christ. In fact, someone's path may be the exact opposite of mine. They may be coming at Christ from the exact opposite side of that sphere, but they're working toward Christ as surely as I'm trying to. Just because their path in no way resembles mine doesn't mean that it isn't getting them where they want and need to go because every one of us has different things we need to learn and understand because of our differences in personalities, differences in strengths and weaknesses, differences in experiences growing up. I used to believe that there was one path and that everybody had to work toward getting toward, first of all, moving toward that one path and once they got on it, then they could proceed forward toward Christ. 

07:52 

And this experience, this little vision of sorts, that I had taught me that whatever path someone is on, I have no idea whether or not that isn't the exact path they need to be on to move toward Christ. At this point, I just assume that it is. I have a friend who struggled for years with depression and suicidal tendencies. As she was able to work through a lot of those struggles, she's found on the other side of them a person in herself who is so much more compassionate and understanding of others who have had or are having similar trials. Her challenges have created in her a person who is more Christlike and closer to Christ than before. Her path, though very different than mine, has led her closer to Christ. 

08:43 

So at this stage in my life, I now understand that everyone has a different path and that that's not only okay, but that it's a brilliant part of God's plan. My only responsibility is to love them and accept them and let them work out their own path without my interference or judgment. I just need to mind my own business. I love this grown-up thought. It's had a huge impact in how I view my world and in how I view other people. 

09:13 

Alright, third grown-up thought: the next step always appears. This has been another huge grown-up thought for me. The past, I'm going to say about eight years or so, I have wandered into completely uncharted territory for me between my divorce and starting this business. So most of it started when I had the realization that divorce was an option and that was about four years before my divorce actually happened. Once I chose to believe that divorce was an option, everything started changing. All of a sudden there were thoughts to think that I had never thought before. There were ideas to consider  that I had never considered before. There were fears to acknowledge that I had never had to acknowledge before. And it was almost paralyzing to try and figure out what the first step was because I would get so hung up on not knowing how it was going to turn out, on not knowing what the final step was, or not knowing if it was the best thing for my kids or the worst thing for my kids, not knowing if financially I would be able to have decent living conditions, what I consider decent living conditions, not knowing. All that was paralyzing sometimes, but finally I took a first step. 

10:28 

And with my divorce the first step was establishing a boundary that really needed to be set and then it just seemed that when it was time to make the next step something would come up that would make it seem logical and clear what I needed to do and it would come up in different ways. I might be reading a book or a magazine and a concept would really hit me or a discussion with a friend would lead to a topic that just made it clear what the next step was or I would see something on Facebook that that just was like "bam, this is what you need to do." But what I found was that taking the first step was the hardest one but that once I had summoned the courage to take that initial step things started falling into place. 

11:15 

I found that with starting this podcast, this is another huge change for me in the last few years, is really getting started on my life coaching business. This podcast was so intimidating at first because I really didn't even know where to start and what to do first and I definitely didn't understand how to take something that I recorded and get it on my podcast site or onto my website. But after hesitating and balking for several months I finally just jumped in and I decided to learn how to use the software on my computer that would allow me to record. And then after I figured that out, then I would see something on Facebook or someone would say something or my web designer would give me a piece of information and before I knew it I had published my first podcast. So just to clarify, it was not super quick. It was still a couple of months, but it just seemed like all of a sudden the next piece would show up and I would go, "oh, I guess I need to figure out how to do this now," and I would look on YouTube or I would find something. But the pieces just showed up in front of me. 

12:27 

What I love about this process is that once I show enough faith to take the first step, the other steps were laid out in front of me. Now, usually just one step at a time. I have yet to see the end from the beginning, but the next step always appears. I love learning that and I love that grown-up thought. It gives me a lot more courage to take steps about things that are a little bit intimidating and scary for me. 

12:58 

Alright, grown-up thought number four: it's not about what happens to me, it's about how I respond to what's happening to me. And can I say I love this one? I love understanding that I never have to be a victim of my circumstances. Can I control my circumstances? Nope. I can't. But I can control my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions in response to those circumstances. I really truly believe that when I stand before God at the Judgment Day that He's not going to judge me based on any of the circumstances I encountered. I believe He will judge me based on how I responded to those circumstances. Did I get divorced? Yes, but that's a circumstance. How did I respond to the divorce? Did I work hard to get to a place of forgiveness and love? Or did I harbor resentments? Did I refuse to forgive? Did I act out of spite toward my ex husband for five years? Alright, okay. Did I have a difficult child who used drugs and pushed every boundary I ever set? That's a circumstance. How did I respond? With love and compassion or with anger and resentment? Now I'm not saying by any means that it's easy to respond with love. But I do think and feel that part of the reason I'm here on earth is to learn to embody love as God does. 

14:35 

Which brings me to grown up thought number five: it's all about love. This is one that I have been neck deep in learning about lately. I've been working through this idea and I may be late to the game. But I'm realizing that my experience here on earth really is all about love. If I can learn to embrace and accept and love everyone I come in contact with, my actions toward them will always be Christlike. So does this mean I need to condone or accept or embrace their behavior? No, it doesn't mean that at all. But I can always see them as a person of worth, as a child of God, and treat them as such. 

15:20 

We are taught in the scriptures that God is love. The reason why God can be so patient with us and forgive us and wait for us is because He is love. Love is His motivating factor in everything that He does. He is not motivated by pride or revenge or anger or frustration or even irritation. Every commandment and every consequence He gives us is motivated by love. And if God is love, our goal should be to become love as well. Now, we are human and it's not that easy for us. It's a huge  challenge. But what I'm realizing at this stage in my grown-up life is that when I set boundaries motivated by love, it always feels better to me and it usually turns out better. When I say "no" motivated by love, it always feels better and usually turns out better. When I approach a difficult conversation motivated by love, it always feels better and it usually turns out better. 

16:34 

Now, of course I can't ever control how another person is going to act or respond, but when I approach with love, it changes the whole feeling of the situation. Everything in me is changed. It affects how I speak, my tone of voice, my attitude bringing into it, and it helps to create an atmosphere where the other person feels the love rather than feelings of anger or resentment that will make them want to put up defensive walls. The other person can obviously choose to respond defensively or with anger even when I approach it in a loving way, but my approaching this situation with love completely changes me. And it has a pretty good chance of softening the other person's response as well. It's all about love. I really deep in my soul believe this one. 

17:31 

And number six, grown up thought: everyone is doing the best that they can. So this one can be a little bit hard to swallow at first when we see some of the crazy stuff going on in the world, but I can't say I know one person who is intentionally trying to screw up their lives and the lives of the people they come in contact with. But everyone's best is going to be different because of our varying situations when we were children and as adults and how we have viewed the world since we were tiny. A child who was raised with shame and emotional abuse on a consistent daily basis is going to struggle as an adult with their feelings of self-worth and knowing how to connect with others emotionally. This can be manifest in so many ways I don't even think they could be counted. But these people are doing the best they can with the tools that they have. They may not have been given very good tools growing up but they're trying to figure out how to use them the best they can. 

18:37 

We all see the world from the lens we were given when we were children. That's why racism and prejudice can often be so difficult to work against. Brain mapping occurs most heavily when we're small children and it is hard if not impossible sometimes to undo some of that mapping. In a book I just read called "The Brain That Changes Itself," the author discussed issues with pornography. If someone was exposed to pornography when they were a small child, overcoming the addiction when they were adults was very very difficult. If they were not exposed until adulthood to pornography, overcoming the addiction was much easier because our brains map information from our childhood and then uses that for the rest of our lives to impact our thoughts our feelings and our behavior. 

19:25 

Now this is not saying that we can't adjust them when we're older or change them, but we have to become aware of them first. And when it's a behavior that has been part of us since we were small children sometimes we just don't see it for a very long time if ever. Most of us have had the experience where we're doing something and all of a sudden we stop and we go "oh my gosh, that is exactly what my mom did" or "exactly what my dad did" and it's a behavior that we engage in without even thinking about it because that that has been mapped out. It's like that path in our brain that's been walked millions of times and it's just this downtrodden path. And the behavior can be negative, it could be even positive, or it could be neutral. But the thing is we find ourselves doing things that we grew up seeing or experiencing without even a thought. We see this coming and that's kind of what happens. it's been a behavior that's been a part of us since we were so small and so sometimes we don't even see it or we just don't see it till we're much older. We may be doing the very best that we can and really not see harmful behaviors in ourselves that is behaviors that are completely obvious to everybody else around us so much of what we do is unconscious habit that at this point, although it is motivated by a thought, it has happened so often that our brains seem to skip the thought and the feeling part and move straight to the behavior. So we feel like we have a stimulus, the circumstance, and we automatically respond with a behavior. 

21:04 

Now, we don't. It's just that our brain is doing what it was created to do. It's created to create shortcuts and do things automatically to conserve energy. So it's learned to just move so quickly past that thought and that feeling that it seems as though the behavior, the action, is a result of the circumstance. And it's not, but our brain is doing what it does, right? It's conserving energy. And it's not that we're doing the harmful behavior on purpose, it's our brain is just programmed, the behavior is programmed in so deeply that we don't see it, we're not even aware of it. Okay, and this is the other part of believing that everybody is doing the best that they can. When I believe that thought, I find that my feelings toward them soften with compassion, and then I feel differently about them and I treat them better. I treat them more the way that I really want to treat people. I want to be kind, I want to be loving. And when I come from a place of love, my actions responding kind. The drama in my life decreases exponentially when I respond from a place of love and I have a more peaceful, centered, and happy life. 

22:26 

Alright, so there are six thoughts that I have developed as a grownup that have changed the way I engage with the world. And I truly believe they've helped me to become a better person. So what are some of your grownup thoughts that have changed your world and made you a better person? Sit down and think about some of those and start making a list as they come to you throughout the day. I would love to hear them. So leave me a note on here and let me know what your thoughts are. Or even just for yourself, what are the thoughts that have created the you that you're happy that you're becoming? 

23:00 

Alright, growing up is awesome, isn't it? Thoughts like this are proof of that. Okay, if you would love some personal help from me, you can contact me at tonyheil.com. You can book a free 20 minute coaching session by clicking on either the "coaching" tab or the "contact me" tab. I would love to help you get to a better place. If you feel this podcast is helping you out, go ahead and subscribe. Please leave me a review and share it with friends and neighbors who you feel could benefit from some of this great content. I love where we are. I love growing up. I love the thoughts that are creating a different world for me. I hope you do too. Have a terrific one and I will talk to you later. 

23:49 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!