00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 347, "The Self-Care of Relationship Repair." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:23 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Thank you so much for being here and welcome to the podcast. A couple of things right before we start. First, my next Talk with Tanya is going to be March 11th. So if you're interested in that, go to my website, go to the "group coaching" tab, and there will be a place there that you can sign up for that. You will get a zoom link and then you just show up on March 11th. Then we have a great discussion. It's an open forum. We can talk about anything that you are interested in talking about. 

00:51 

Also, my Sense of Self classes will be starting mid-March. You can find those as well on my website under the "group coaching" tab. I'm not sure when this comes out if I will have those up yet, but they will be close. If you want to make sure that you get those, you want to be signed up for my weekend win email. That will be the first place that they will be put up and announced. Also, weekend win is just great. It's meant to be read in about two or three minutes, nothing big and huge and heavy, but just something to say, "hey, here's something fascinating you may want to think about for the weekend." 

01:30 

Also, I just wanted to remind you that not only do I do individual coaching, but I also have started doing couples coaching as of last year. That is brilliant and it's fun. So if you and your partner are both saying, "listen, we want to figure this out. We want something a little bit better, something a little bit meatier and intimate," then couples coaching might be a really, really great fit. You can go to the "free consultation" tab on my website as well. 

02:01 

And also something new I've started to do is if you go to the notes section of my podcast, so when you open the podcast and scroll down, I have started putting related podcasts in that section. So if you like the podcast that you just listened to and you go "this is great content and I want to understand it better," go down there. It will give you numbers and names of podcasts that will increase your understanding of the topic that we talked about. 

02:32 

And that is going to have us getting started today. So here we go. Today we are talking about the self-care of relationship repair because when we do relationship repair it is a form of self-care. And we're going to talk a lot about what relationship repair looks like today and what it sounds like and how we do it. So we have talked a lot over over the years that we've been doing this, about six years now, about the mindset that we need to have in order to have great relationships. For example, learning to assume best intent of your spouse, reminding yourself that this is the person that you love and that you want to treat them well, and intentionally choosing thoughts that create compassion and love rather than frustration and annoyance. 

03:19 

We've also talked a lot about specific skills that we can use to communicate better, like owning your own, no back burner issues, circling back around, those types of things. But what happens when you're in a continual state of relationship breakdown? I remember times in my previous marriage where it seemed that we could not talk about anything because it would turn into a fight about who did what and assumptions about the other person's intentions and feelings and thoughts. It also seemed at the time that we would have a problem come up, we would get all tangled up about in it, we would each be upset and storm off, but then we would just kind of wait for the dust to settle and then we would just continue on like nothing happened until the next fight. It felt as though we rarely resolved a conflict or even got to a point where we could understand and respect the other person's point of view. The problems were always there. They were always unresolved and  always so close to the surface that they could emerge with very little provocation. Provocation, I think that's how you say that word, provoking, right, provocation? 

04:34 

So looking back, I can see that we were both far more concerned with who was right, with arguing our point and with standing our ground than we were on really being in a happy and a healthy relationship. I think both of us felt the other person was the biggest problem. And if they would just get their crap together, that we could finally be happy. So we both dug in, we held our stance and our opinions to the death, we were very unhappy, and we did end up holding them to the death of our marriage when we got divorced. 

05:10 

So here's the thing: every relationship has its struggles. Gottman research shows that 69% of disagreements in relationships are unresolvable, 69%, meaning it's not just opinions on what we like and dislike, but rather we have stances on topics that are founded in our deep belief system, and they may even be tied to our moral system, and we just don't agree. That doesn't mean that one person is right and the other is wrong. It just means that our viewpoints aren't likely to change with a well-worded argument against our ideas. So, if 69% of disagreements are unresolvable, it makes sense that we are going to have some tough situations come up where we really disagree about things. 

06:02 

And being human, there will be times when I say something thoughtless and unkind, times that I forget something important, or times that I get distracted and I don't pay close attention to something that's important to my spouse. These are the types of things that happen in our relationships that cause us to get into fights. We get upset, we move into emotional dysregulation, we might yell or stonewall or give the silent treatment, we might start hurling insults or get passive aggressive or just plain mean. And a lot of this can be chalked up to humans being humans, to our primitive brain working faster than our thinking brains. Not always being on the same page is an inevitable part of being in a relationship. 

06:47 

But we are, after all, two very different people coming together to create our own little relationship world. So disagreements will come up, feelings will be hurt, misunderstandings will happen. What do we do when they do? How do we minimize the damage rather than having it escalate out of control? In fact, how do we make it into a place of connection rather than a place of contention? Let's first look at how we want someone to respond when we bring up a concern. 

07:23 

So let's say you had spoken with your spouse a week ago about plans for all day Saturday and they had agreed and you've been making plans for it and looking forward to it. Friday afternoon he text you saying that he's made plans to meet with some out of town university friends for a round of golf Saturday morning with a tee time of about 10am and he won't be home until about 6 since they're going to eat afterwards. And he's super excited because he hasn't seen these friends for years, decades maybe. So think for a minute of all the things that will go through your head, all the things you're gonna want to say to him and how you will want to say it. Now if there is a lot of built-up resentment and frustration because we don't work through things and talk about things, it might sound like this: "Really? What about the plans we had for tomorrow? I've spent the entire week getting things set up and ready and I've been looking forward to it and now you're just gonna bail? I am so sick and tired of you doing this every single time we have plans. I'm always last on your priority list and I'm sick of it. Can you just think about me for once in your life? You are so inconsiderate and selfish. Why are we even married?" Ouch, right? For some of us though, that's not overkill. Although it's pretty painful to hear. 

08:42 

But if this was your scenario and you just let all of that loose on your spouse, think about how you would want them to respond. What would you want from them? Why would you have said all of that? Mostly because you feel hurt. Okay? You want to be seen and you feel unseen. You want to be prioritized and you don't feel prioritized. You want to be heard and you don't feel like they're listening. You want an acknowledgement that they messed up. You want to know that you matter to them and that they recognize that they have left you hanging. 

09:21 

One reason we don't get that is because, like when our spouse responds that way to us, one reason we don't get it is because we don't have the awareness that we need to around our response. We don't have a plan for how to repair the rift that we created. And instead, we allow our primitive brain to go into hyper-protection defensive mode. And when it goes into  defensive mode, it also goes into attack and blame and criticize and accuse mode. And we will tend to deflect the accusations. We will deny any wrongdoing. We will find a way to turn it back on the other person and blame them for the problem. 

10:02 

So when our spouse comes at us for making golfing plans and not remembering our day date, we might respond like this: "Oh geez, I don't remember talking about plans for tomorrow. Are you sure we talked about it? Because I don't have any recollection. And even if we did, you didn't put it on the calendar and you haven't said anything to me about it. And if it really mattered to you, you should have reminded me. Why do you always do this to me? You make plans without me and they get upset when I don't know about them. So what now? You just expect me to change my plans? You expect me to not get together with these guys? You're so freaking controlling of all my time. When do I get to do what I want? I never get to get together with these guys and I'm really looking forward to it. You just don't appreciate the sacrifices I make for this family." Ouch, like another one, right? 

10:55 

And yet, does any of this sound familiar? Maybe not that harsh. I went pretty overkill on this, but maybe not for you. Maybe all this sounds pretty familiar. And we can get so entrenched in our own perspective and defending our position that we forget the rules of relationship etiquette. Well, let's be honest. Most of us don't really even know what those rules are anyway. And rather than healing the rift, we make it wider and more difficult to traverse. Because then, when the spouse that had the golfing plans responds with all that stuff, what does the other spouse do? They come back with a barrage of their own stuff. We hurt feelings. We defend and attack. We say mean things and forget that this is the person we love more than anything in the world. We forget that when we make the effort to communicate and respond well, that we are actually doing something for us also, not just for our spouse. 

12:02 

Sometimes we feel that needing to put our ego aside, that we are doing something hurtful for us. It's painful, but the contrary is actually true. When we respond in a loving way, the relationship is stronger, and when we have a better relationship with our spouse, it is like self-care for us, because our relationship is better and we're happier as well. We feel more connected, we feel more at peace, we feel more content. So how do we work within this type of a situation? How are we supposed to be able to have a humane conversation around this when we feel that we've been unjustly attacked? 

12:50 

So what are the rules for relationship repair and how do we engage in the self-care of strengthening our relationship when our spouse is angry with us, when they have complaints, when they blame us? How do we give them the same thing that we would want? How do we help them feel seen, to feel prioritized and heard? How do we acknowledge that we messed up, that we want them to know that they matter to us, and that we recognize that we left them hanging? How do we set our ego aside to engage in a healthy and a loving way? Okay, so we're going to take this from the position of the spouse who made the golf plans, okay? So you make those plans, your spouse comes at you with that barrage of information, okay? 

13:40 

First, let's keep working on our sense of self. The stronger that that is, the more capacity we will have for others to not be happy with us and for us to be at peace with our mistakes and our missteps. When we have a strong sense of self, we have the capacity to be human and to not step into a shame spiral about being accused of something that we may or may not have done. We can more easily step outside of the accusations and see them clearly, owning what is ours and what isn't. Are we going to make mistakes? Absolutely. We can't help it. It's just part of our human DNA. Where a weak or a reflective sense of self will feel threatened and insecure and defensive when confronted with our mistakes, a strong sense of self will be able to be okay with being wrong, with having made a mistake, and even take in stride being wrongly accused, and we'll have the capacity to be human to go into repair. 

14:46 

So if you need to go back and brush up on Sense of Self, there are seven podcasts about it, starting last November beginning with number 331. Also, if you want to consider the Sense of Self group coaching classes I have starting March 10th and 11th, they are nine week classes with a deep dive into Sense of Self. They will be fabulous and I will have two days available and three different times available. I'm gonna have a morning, an afternoon, and an evening class. So hopefully most people can fit that into their schedule. Check them out on the group coaching tab on my website. Okay, so Sense of Self, we have to be solid there. Okay, let's keep working on that. 

15:27 

But let's go into the next step, okay? Because this is a little bit, that's background work. Here is foreground work, okay? Second, we have to understand that when tough things are brought up by our spouse, that it is not a free for all "share your disgruntled thoughts and feelings," okay? This is gonna go against a lot of what you've heard about having a great conversation and good dialogue about this, right? But when someone wants to share some frustrations about you with you, only they get to share, you don't. Now, everything in you is going to want to rebuttal with your own thoughts and feelings and defend yourself, but don't fall for it. That's your primitive brain growing into protective mode, okay? Because when we don't create a safe space for them to share, we shut them down and we start a fight and they most likely don't wanna fight. They just want to clean something up. They want to be seen and heard and feel as though they are our priority. We get to give them the gift of seeing them and hearing them. 

16:41 

This is a blessing of choosing to be in a relationship circle with somebody else. When we choose to be in relationship, we are choosing to make space for the other person. This is the relationship circle, giving the other person a safe space. When they put their stuff on the table, we look at it, but we don't touch it. We don't move pieces around. We don't pick up pieces and try to fix them or change them. We don't even offer advice or point out where it's right or wrong. We look at it, we can ask questions to understand, and then we validate, we empathize, we share compassion with them. Stay in your lane and don't share any of your ideas or feedback or frustrations or counterarguments, okay? 

17:34 

This is so counterintuitive to our primitive brain because remember, it wants to go into protection mode, which means defending and attacking. But our goal here isn't to protect ourselves, it's to protect and understand our partner. We don't need protection from ideas and words, regardless of how loudly your primitive brain is screaming at you to do that. They are just words and ideas. You are not in danger. Most likely. And if you are, literally physically in danger, you gotta not be in that relationship anyway. 

18:11 

But your spouse or your partner expressing some frustration or some anger or whatever, they're just words and ideas. You're not in danger. And we have to think of relationship repair as a one-way street, not a two-way street. When they bring something up, it is their day to travel that road. And maybe tomorrow is your day, but it's never at the same time. It's not a two-way road. This will not be a conversation where they tell you their frustrations and you tell them yours in the same sitting. It needs to be a listen and understand conversation. Okay, now this is such a tough thing to learn, but vital if we are to repair the relationship. And many of us have not learned this skill before. And I don't think I've taught it this explicitly before either. Do not come back with, "when you share that. It makes me feel so angry. I feel unheard. But what about the time that you did ____?" Don't come back with that. Them sharing something has nothing to do right now about your thoughts and feelings. Let it be all about them and I promise you, it will pay dividends as your relationship gets better, which plays a huge part in your own self-care. 

19:33 

Because if you remember, self-care is not about manis and pedis and massages. As much as I wish it was, right? Self-care is about doing the tough things that require discipline that ultimately make your life so much better, that make it the life of your dreams. And having a beautiful relationship is part of making your life so much better. Who doesn't dream of being with the person who listens to you, who understands you, who creates a safe place for you to be authentically you, warts and all, and who still loves you. That's what we're doing in relationship. So that's what we're learning to do here. Give your spouse or your partner the space to share what they want to share without a rebuttal, without your protective mode going into super hyper crazy mode. Okay. So stand back, give them the space for it to be about them. 

20:35 

Next step, start to listen. Now I am not talking about hearing words. I'm talking about hearing meanings. Okay, when I used to teach eighth grade remedial reading, we would discuss the difference between reading words and reading ideas. So most of my eighth grade kiddos were reading at about a third or fourth grade reading level. And though they could read the majority of the words, they could sound them out, they could say the words, they had very little comprehension because they didn't know definitions and they couldn't read for ideas. They were so hung up on working their way through the words that by the end of a sentence, they didn't know what they had read. They had read word, word, word, word, word. They didn't read ideas. They didn't string together the words to create the meaning behind the words. 

21:28 

And many of us, when we listen, get caught in the same trap, especially when it's someone giving us some feedback about how we are lacking in some way. We hear the words, we might get hung up on a particular word or phrase and feel defensive about it, and then we stop listening and we start forming our rebuttal. There have been times in the past when I would share something tough to share and my word choice would be raked over the coals or maybe I would use a word or a phrase slightly incorrectly and I would get mocked about that. Shut me right down. Our goal is not to shut down this person that we love the most of anybody. Our goal is to create a safe space for them by understanding them. So stop listening for words and start listening for ideas, for the meaning behind the words. What is your person really trying to communicate? Very often they're trying to communicate that they're hurt, that they love you and they want a closer relationship with you, that they're scared that you're not going to be around. They want to know that they matter to you. They want to know you are all in on this relationship as well. They really don't want to fight. They want to be understood. They want to know that you care about them. 

22:55 

This is another reason why we don't come back with our side of the story. This is their turn to be understood, to be seen and heard, to know that they are our priority. And we don't communicate that by picking apart their words or fighting back about specifics of time or details that we believe they got wrong. We communicate that by working to understand their point of view. So listen for the meaning. What's behind all of this? What are they really feeling? Most of us don't communicate that feeling part very well. 

23:35 

Fourth, I want you to restate what you hear them saying or ask questions to better understand if you don't feel you have a good understanding. And you're not asking questions to get info to back them into a corner later on or to prove to them how they're wrong. You are asking questions to really understand where they're coming from and how it has impacted them. This, my friend, is the time to lose your own self-interest and to focus only on understanding their point of view, their thoughts and their feelings. How is the situation often your behaviors impacted them? How has it made them feel? And it doesn't have to make sense to you and all of their facts do not need to be facts that you agree with because it makes sense to them and these are the facts that are true to them. This is what makes sense in their head. You cannot argue or prove that out of them. It just doesn't work fighting back about details that you think they got wrong only lets them know that you care about being right. It doesn't let them know that you care about them. 

24:48 

So ask questions until you feel you understand and then follow up with restating what you understand that they're saying. It could sound like, "so if I understand you correctly, you are thinking ___ or you are feeling..." fill in the blank. Okay. So it could, or it could sound like, "so when I ______, your impression of that was that _____." Okay. So we're going to restate and they might say, "well, no, not really." And we say, "Oh, well help me understand then because I guess I'm missing that part." Again, we're not going into defensive mode saying, "Oh, well then tell me what you really mean." We're not going there. This is the person we love. Let's treat them like that. "Oh, okay. So I think I'm still not really quite clear on what's going on. Help me understand that part better." There's a big difference, okay? 

25:43 

Fifth, I want you to resist the temptation to defend your position and instead acknowledge what you did. Okay, so let's go back to the husband setting up a golf excursion when the wife had a day date plan for them. It might sound something like this: "oh gosh, sweetheart, I don't know how I missed getting that on the calendar, but I did and I am so sorry. Okay, we're not going to fight about who was supposed to put it on the calendar. We're not going to fight about whether you have the conversation or not." We're just going to accept, take responsibility for something we missed. Listen, we all miss stuff. Sione and I always have conversations and I'm always like, "I don't even remember talking about that, right? 

26:31 

And it's not that we didn't. It's that our brains pick and choose the information. Sometimes we just miss stuff and we forget stuff and then after we start talking about it I go "oh wait, I do remember talking about that.." This is just what our human brains do. This is why sense of self is so important, because when we have a strong sense of self we can move into the space of saying "oh my gosh, I do remember that now, oh I'm so sorry. Oh gosh, I totally just did not get that on the calendar." We're gonna step into it. We're gonna own it in this space. wW are reassuring them that they are important to us we are taking responsibility for the breakdown in communication and this gives them a safe space to breathe. It gives them the  assurance that they can let down their defenses and be vulnerable we're creating that safe space where they will feel seen and heard. And in this space we are stepping out of our own self-interest and we are seeking to be more interested in their experience in how they are feeling about it. 

27:50 

Now we may not be able to own everything our spouse talks about, but we need to own what we can. If you could give it numbers, maybe you only agree with 25% of what your spouse said. Okay, so own that 25% and just don't talk about the rest right now. Don't argue about where they're wrong. Just focus on the 25% where they're right. And, again, your primitive brain will be screaming about the 75%: "no, that's not right! We have to protect ourselves! We have to defend ourselves!" Your primitive brain is gonna be really persistent about this and you just get to say "listen, primitive brain, settle down. I'm gonna focus on the 25% so phrases." Like, "yes, 

28:38 

I did that and I'm sorry." Or maybe "I know this isn't the first time that this has come up and I want you to know that I see it and I'm going to work on it." Or maybe "this isn't how I ever want to treat you and I'm sorry. This isn't the person I want to be in our relationship." Maybe "if I can do it again, I would ____." Or possibly, "thank you for helping me see this. I'm going to be paying closer attention in the future." Now, these don't automatically change our behavior, but they let our spouse know that we prioritize how we treat them over our fragile ego. We are willing to look at ourselves to see our poor behavior and make adjustments so we aren't hurting our spouse. 

29:30 

We don't want our spouse to be hurting, especially at our hands. We don't want to be the reason they struggle and feel unloved. This is the person that we have chosen to be with, and those setting aside our own self-interest by not defending our position and showing them how right we are in this instance can be super hard. In fact, it can feel almost physically painful not to do this. It is an essential part of having a solid, healthy relationship, not only with them, but with yourself. Because when we respond with compassion, seeing things from their point of view, refusing to give in to our baser desires of defensiveness and needing to be right, we strengthen our sense of self. Which then takes us back to the beginning of this discussion, where we are then stronger and more capable of showing up in beautiful ways in the future. This is part of strengthening our sense of self. 

30:35 

So then the sixth step, ask them what you can do to resolve this situation, and then give what you can. That might sound like, "what do you need from me to repair this?" The spouse in the previous example might say, "I need you to cancel your plans with your friends and go out with me." In which case, we say, "alright, I will do that." And we do it without resentment and anger and frustration. We do it because we're like, "listen, I love this person, and this is what this person needs to feel love for me right now." Or maybe they say, "I'm super bummed about this, but what if we can go out for an early breakfast, you go golfing with your friends, and then we can get it on the calendar for next week." OK, whatever they say, you get to do your best to accommodate. 

31:27 

That's not to say that we can't find an alternative to canceling the golfing with out-of-town friends. It just means that as we discuss it. We remember that this person is our priority. So if you're told that they want you to cancel the golf plans, maybe you can negotiate that. But remember that even in negotiation, they need to know that they're important to you, that their concerns are being both seen and heard. And maybe in the end that will require canceling the golf. Or maybe you can work together to collaborate on an alternate plan. Just remember that repair is about creating a safe space. Making sure the other person knows that they are your priority, that you see them, that you hear them, that they are your equal in every way. 

32:21 

So maybe when you ask, "what do you need from me to repair this?" your spouse gives you four things you can do to fix it. Okay, let's say that you are completely on board with three of those. And the fourth, well, it's just not gonna happen, right? But rather than jumping on that fourth one, like our primitive brain wants to do and saying, "I can't believe what you're expecting of me, that's completely unreasonable." And throwing a fit about how they're being so demanding and controlling, don't do that. Focus on the three that you are willing to do and don't worry about even talking about the fourth. So it could sound like, "okay, for sure, I will start doing one, two, and four." And then ask some clarifying questions if needed. 

33:12 

For example, if your spouse said that he needed more physical affection during the day and you're willing to do that, get really clear by saying something like, "I am totally on board with more physical affection. Will you give me four examples of what that looks like for you?" Because maybe what they think is physical affection is not what you think is physical affection, okay? Make sure you understand exactly what they want from you. This is helpful because often we think we know, but how we are interpreting it does not align with what they have in mind. So make sure you're clear on what they mean. 

33:47 

And if you say you're going to do it, do it. This is not an exercise in appeasing your spouse until they calm down and think more rationally, okay? If that's what's going on in your brain in this time, you've got some serious work to do, okay? This isn't about, oh, if they would just calm down and be more rational, they're being irrational. That's not what we're going for here. We're going for a safe space in our brain as well. This is an opportunity to understand them better and seek to be a better partner for them. And when we start showing up this way, in this safe space way, it has the power to heal our relationships, which is not only in the best interest of our spouse, but also in our best interest. 

34:38 

This is why repair in our relationships is also an amazing form of self-care because it heals our wounds. It strengthens our sense of self and it makes our lives better as well. The quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships and the quality of our relationships depends on our ability to repair. So much of this will go against your human primitive brain processes. And when it comes to relationship, that's how we know we're on the right path when our primitive brain is freaking out, right? Relationships take concerted effort and energy and primitive brain doesn't like that. It will push back against it. Again, that's how you can know that you're on the right path. This can be hard and you can do it. Give it a shot. Really help your person feel seen and heard, prioritized and understood, and just see if it doesn't shift things in a better direction. And then tomorrow or the next day, you can share some of your own ideas. But you may just find that by tomorrow, this conversation will no longer have the sharp edge that it has today, and you'll be able to see it more clearly. 

35:58 

Creating this type of space is an indication that we are growing up emotionally. You've got this, and I've got you if you need some additional support. Okay, this is great, great information. Part of it goes along with some stuff that Terrence Reel talks about in really about relationship repair. And so some of these steps are taken from his work. I love his work. Just last year, I read all of his books and just am so amazed by who he is and what he creates. So let's get some work done, my friends. This is just these relationships are just so important to us. 

36:45 

Okay, and if you just feel stymied, like "I don't even know where to start. This is too much for me." Listen, I've got you. This is what I do. I help you to see your destructive patterns of behavior either by yourself or with your partner. I do both individual and couples coaching. Okay, and if you're single, pay attention to this stuff because it helps you to make sense of it. If you're divorced, what did I do in the past that was dysfunctional? How was I behaving in this way? And it helps you to understand in the future if you choose to have a relationship, how to show up there. And guess what? If you have adult kids, this is brilliant with adult kids. If you have a coworker who's pushing all of this, this works amazing. Give other people the space to feel safe, and you will be amazed at what happens. 

37:45 

Okay. Can I also just ask something? If you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, I would love to have you do a few things. One, I would love to have you leave a review. You can do that in five minutes or less. If you're on Apple or Spotify, those are your options. I don't know how Spotify works specifically, but I know that Apple, you just open my podcast up on your podcast app on your phone, scroll down, underneath it'll have like, I don't know, eight podcast options, scroll down, and then there will be a place where you can read feedback and where you can leave feedback. You giving me five stars would be fabulous, because what this does is it's a great way to help other people find this content. And my friends, this stuff works. It works. It has created in my life something that is unbelievable, and as I work with my clients and see them stepping into this, this is amazing stuff. People need this. We don't know this information. We don't have the tools. And a podcast is a really easy way to start introducing people to tools. 

38:51 

So if you can share this, however you want to share it, leaving a review is a great way, sharing it on social media. You can just click on the podcast of those three dots at the top and it'll say copy the link and you can send it to somebody that you think might like it. But do that. If you will leave a review and if you will share, I would really, really appreciate helping being able to help other people with this. OK, so thank you for listening. If you want to learn more about this concept, go to the show notes at the bottom on your podcast app. And I will have several other podcasts that will connect with this one that will help to add more meat to this for you. OK, thank you so much for being here today. I just really appreciate you being here, being a part of this part of my own journey with me as I work through this stuff and figure it out and implement it. Hope you have an awesome, awesome day and I'll see you next week. Bye. 

39:48 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.