Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 338, "Greatest Hits: Six Tips For a Happier Holiday." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. 

00:24 

Alright, hello there, my friends so glad to have you here today, as always. I am happy to be here. And I'm just so glad to have you here. This content has changed the trajectory of my life Incredibly. I'm just so glad to get to share with you the things that I have learned and that I know will make a difference in your life and that are making a difference in your life. I hear from people all the time, and I work with clients, for whom this work is life-changing. 

00:50 

So before we jump into today, the couple of things...first of all, Talk with Tanya. Thank you so much for those of you who showed up last Tuesday. Super fun to get to chat with you and to connect with you and answer questions and do some coaching. So glad to have you there. Next one will be January 14th. That is available, if you go to my website to the "group coaching" tab, tanyahale.com/groupcoaching. There is a place there where you can sign up for the one on January 14th and you'll get an email with the Zoom link in it. So you can just join me there and it's a great time. We can talk about anything. So get that on your calendar if you want to do that. It is at 2 o'clock Eastern/12 o'clock mountain. 

01:36 

Next thing: two classes starting January 8th. They are both gonna be Wednesday nights and they're both gonna be nine week classes. I think nine weeks is my sweet spot that I found for my classes. I love that time set. So the first one is going to be called "Mindset Reset." And this is where I am taking you back to the very basics of coaching. We're going to talk about growth mindset and fixed mindset. We're going to talk about circumstances and thoughts and feelings and actions and results. We're going to talk about the thought model. We're going to go back to "let's just look at our thoughts and see what's going on with our thoughts and really get a reset of what's going on." 

02:24 

I know at this time of year, the beginning of the year, a lot of people are focused on goals and I think part of the struggle with why three or four weeks in, we just sometimes don't even remember that we had those goals or we're cursing those goals or whatever, is because we just don't have the right mindset. We don't have the capacity to manage our mind around the things that we really want to do and understand why we want to do them, and so that's what this class is geared up to do, is to help you really start to step into mind management and doing that. 

02:54 

The second class that we're going to be having is called "Relationship Reset." So this is for singles or for couples. If two of you want to sign up as a couple, absolutely come on in. We are going to be going to the basics of how do we kind of start from scratch with this relationship. So if you are divorced and wanting to get married again and you're trying to figure out "how do I start something that's healthy and good from the beginning," this class would be great. If you've been married a long time and you are struggling and you are in what I might call a "miserable" or a "tough" marriage, this class would be a great option. We're going to go back to looking at the basics of how do I create something that's healthy? How do we clean up patterns of behavior that are destructive for us? How do we show up? What are the tools that I need to show up better and healthy? And though you may have listened to the podcast, being able to converse with me about these, ask questions, hear them in context, makes such a huge, huge difference for being able to implement these tools and see them, be aware of them in the way that they need to. So please keep those two classes in mind. Again, you can go to the "group coaching" tab at tanyahale.com and you can check those out. 

04:17 

And last thing, next week I'm going to send out my end of year review and I will send it out for a couple of weeks. But if you  want to get that, you need to sign up for the "weekend win" that I send out most weekends. This is a brilliant tool that I have used for four or five years. No, well longer than that, actually. So probably about seven or eight years. I created this and it's just a bunch of questions to help me figure out, "how did my year go? What did I do? That was great." There's so many things that we forget about so many things that, that we don't think are important. And when we really take a good look at our year, we are very, very clear on where we are and very clear on where we want to go. And this growth space that we strive to live in, it is so important to know where you are so that you can know where you want to go. And it makes your next steps of figuring out how do I progress, it makes them very, very clear. 

05:17 

So I think you will love the end of your review and I will probably throw in there my world famous hot cocoa recipe that everybody who drinks it just loves because it's so delicious. It is not your standard Swiss Miss or even Stephen's cocoa stuff. It is delicious homemade and it's super, super easy. So if you want to get those, you need to sign up for the "weekend win" and those will end up just delivered nice and sweet into your email. 

05:46 

So let's go ahead and jump into today's podcast. I'm actually going to be doing a replay of a podcast called "Six Tips for a Happier Holiday." And I love this podcast and it just seemed like a great opportunity to retouch you with some basic ideas about how do we manage all things holiday. We get stuck in overdoing, we get stuck in overeating, we get stuck in overdrama, we get stuck in in being uptight and upset about what other people are saying and what other people are doing and how they're showing up and all the things. And so we are going to revisit this podcast and talk about how you can really have a happier holiday. So here we go. Enjoy this blast from the past. 

06:40 

Today we are talking about six tips for a happier holiday. So I just keep seeing, you know, as I look on social media and such, I hear so many people talking about the stress and anxiety and so much to do and blah blah blah, right? So these holidays that are meant to be amazing experiences in our lives end up being not quite so amazing because we just get so caught up in things. So let's talk a little bit about how to not get spread so thin this year and how to cut back on the stress. 

07:15 

Now in episode 175 I did talk about reducing the stress by cutting out the expectations and that is one aspect of really how to up level our lives. But I want to talk to you today about just six random little tips that I think are going to help you have a better Christmas and I hope that one or two or three or four of these really connect with you and really help you to reevaluate and look at things a little bit more differently. So here we go. 

07:43 

Number one, probably the biggest thing: stop trying to manage everybody else's Christmas experience. Now, contrary to the motherhood manual that we all get that says we are in charge of everybody's happiness, guess what? We are not. It is not our job to make sure that everyone else is happy. It is not our job to make sure that everyone else loves their gift. It is not our job to make sure that there are no disagreements. Everyone gets to create their own experience around Christmas, and it is impossible for us to make anyone else feel anything regardless of how perfect we have planned our Christmas morning and regardless of the gifts that you have chosen. Everybody else's feelings are created by their own thoughts. 

08:33 

So learning to let go of trying to manipulate and control all the people by thinking that we can make them have an enjoyable Christmas, we got to stop going there. Many of us have had the experience of trying to control all the things only to have a teenager totally upset on Christmas because they didn't get what they wanted, or they had to get up too early, or we didn't get up early enough, right? That is theirs to figure out. But when they get upset, then we get all freaked out because things didn't go the way we planned. We get angry that everyone is angry. Do you see how we multiply this? We end up ruining our own Christmas experience because we think that how other people show up is our responsibility. And guess what? It's not. 

09:23 

They need to learn how to manage their own feelings, learning that they can choose to be happy, or they can choose to be miserable. The same applies to our spouse, our adult children, other family members, whomever we may have Christmas experiences with. Everybody chooses for themselves, and we have zero control over it, regardless of what we have thought over the years. So learning instead, not trying to not try and control everybody else's experience, but to show up the way that we want to, this is the trick. To have the experience you want to have this Christmas, we have to choose intentionally how to show up. Want a totally zen Christmas experience this year? It is completely up to you. Do you want to feel more excitement? That is yours to create. Do you want to feel overwhelmed with gratitude? Manage your thoughts and you can do it. Fire yourself from the job of trying to make everybody else happy or joyful or peaceful or satisfied. Fire yourself from being the keeper of everyone else's emotions and experience. Because guess what? It was never your job to begin with. Let go of it and worry about how you show up. 

10:53 

Okay, here we go. Tip number two. If it's not an absolutely "yes," then it has to be a "no." Now, I know, I know, some of you just had a little heart palpitation at the thought of telling somebody "no." But when we don't learn to say "no," we are living in people-pleasing mode. And people-pleasing mode is a place where we are out of integrity with ourselves. We are lying to other people in order to manipulate them to get them to like us. You might be thinking that's a little bit strong, but it's not. When we are people pleasing, we are lying about what we want, about what we love, about what we need in an effort to manipulate the way that the other person feels or thinks about us. 

11:44 

And this constant lack of integrity takes its toll. Not only does it feel horrible inside of us to live out of integrity, but not saying "no" often spreads us so thin that we're not able to say "yes" to the things we really want to say "yes" to. So if you want more time to hang out and watch Christmas movies or bake cookies with your kids but you can't because you said "yes" to decorating the church for the Christmas party or making 10 dozen cookies for the church Christmas party, guess what? Out of integrity. This is a space where we want to be very clear on what we really want and then live according to that. And doing service can definitely be one of the values we want to live by, but choose your service carefully instead of haphazardly saying "yes" to everything. Don't allow other people to determine your schedule and your efforts. Use your free agency to choose for yourself. Choose what will help you live in alignment with your values. 

12:52 

So if it's not an absolutely to-the-bones "yes," make it a "no." When you say "yes," it's very important for you to know your reasons for saying "yes" and to love those reasons. Saying "yes" because we don't want to offend, because we don't want to be seen as selfish, that is not going to cut it, my friends. Say "yes" because it aligns with your values and then you'll love your reasons and you'll be all in and that feels so much better than being in and hating every minute of it. 

13:30 

Okay here we go, tip number three. Give just for the sheer joy of giving, because you want to give and not because you want something in return. We give so much to so many this time of the year. We give gifts to family members and to neighbors and to friends, gifts of service and extra kindness and compassion and all the things, right? But if we're going to give, cut the strings. Let go of the expectations of receiving something in return, whether it is a gift or whether it is a "thank you" or whether it's somebody thinking that we're really fabulous. Let go of that. 

14:07 

For some of us this will be really really difficult because we have spent a lifetime expecting and receiving a gift for a gift, a kindness for a kindness, a plate of neighborhood Christmas cookies for a plate of neighborhood Christmas cookies. Learning to give gifts without any expectation at all, not even a thank you, but rather just for the sheer joy of giving is an incredibly clean place to give from. Do you remember the concept of "clean love" that we discussed in podcast number 92? Okay, if you've not listened to that one, that is one of my favorites, one of the concepts that has impacted my life the most. Go listen to 92, I love that one. Okay, but when we're talking about clean love, this is a space where we love without any expectation of any sort of reciprocation. So this gift giving, we want to come from the same place, a place where we learn to give and serve just because it feels so darn good, and that's the kind of person that we want to be, and not because we think or want it to produce results of any kind. And when we do this, giving becomes its own reward. Therein lies our joy, not in the positive or negative fallout of us giving the gift. 

15:33 

Alright, here we go, tip number four. Ask for what you want and don't expect anybody else to read your mind, okay? What is up with us expecting people to just know what we want? When I was in my 20s and newly married, I received some pretty sketchy gifts. Okay, not horrible. Things that I might have bought for myself, but that I absolutely did not want as a gift from my spouse. And then I would feel guilty knowing he'd spent time and effort to buy me this gift, and then I didn't really like it or want it, and then I'd either return it or I'd stick it in a closet until I could slip it into the thrift store box, right? Anybody else, or is it just me, right? And then I felt bad because I knew that he knew that I didn't like it, and then he felt bad because  he knew I didn't like it, and it was just bad for both of us. 

16:33 

And I learned in my early 30s how to make it good for both of us. I started making a pretty detailed list of gifts that I would like for my ex-husband, so my husband at the time, to buy for me. And then, guess what? Huh, shocker. I usually seemed to get the things that I really wanted because they were on my list and he knew. Interesting, have you ever noticed that communication solves so many problems? But we all think that we want this hallmark relationship where they just know because they're detail-oriented and guess what, they are so freaking fascinated with our every move that they never miss a subtle hint. 

17:14 

Okay, guess what? Those are fictional characters that people write out on paper because they have this fantasy in their head. It doesn't work, these people are not real, you know? So, make a list. Make it easy on the people in your life when they're buying a gift and after they've given you the gift, then we don't have all that fallout that we had before, right? Make it easy on yourself. Guess what? Guilt-free gift receiving. I can receive a gift and have no guilt of taking it back or hiding it or giving it away. And find joy in the fact that they want to get you something that you want, that they will take the time to make sure they find what you want. 

17:57 

And guess what else? You may ask for what you want and then you may not get it. And guess what? No biggie. No biggie because you see what? You see, we are functional emotional adults and we can go out and buy what we want if we don't get it for Christmas. We can have our own back. We don't have to wait for somebody else to fulfill our needs. And we can appreciate the time and effort that our spouse, our significant other, our children, whoever. We can appreciate the fact that they thought of us, that they went out and spent time shopping for us, that they did all of this stuff. But if we don't get what we want, it's okay. We can go buy our own. We can create our own happiness. And then when someone steps up and gets us an amazing gift that we ask for, well gee whiz, that's just like icing on the cake. That's just the extra thing that's good. But ask for what you want. I promise you it works. Okay? 

19:01 

Alright. Tip number five. Reconnect with your reason for the season. Why in the world are we doing all this? All the decorations, all the gifts, all the time shopping, all the food prep, all the everything. It can be so easy to get overwhelmed with all the fluff, all the hype, all the stuff, right? But taking time to sit back and remember what the purpose is behind all of this is so vital to having a happier holiday. I had quite a few people over here for Thanksgiving this year and I have a tendency to get very task-oriented and just want to take care of all the things. And so this year I really made a concerted effort to connect with what I love most about Thanksgiving, which is, for me, the whole purpose of Thanksgiving is relationships with the people, right? Loving the people, enjoying our time with the people. And when I get caught up in my tasks, I don't do that. So having people over and getting to reconnect and enjoy their presence and our relationships is what I love the most about Thanksgiving. But when I'm too task-oriented, the day can come and go without me connecting to anyone because I've been busy prepping and cleaning and doing all the things, right? So this year, I intentionally simplified the menu as much as I could, I did as much prep beforehand as I could, and I focused on chatting and loving the people who came over. I wasn't perfect at it, I will be honest, but I did so much better. 

20:37 

So, what is your purpose for celebrating Christmas? For many of us, it's a lot of what I just talked about, this connecting with other people. And for many of us, it's reconnecting with our Savior, with God's Plan of Salvation for us that is centered around the birth and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. So slow down enough to rediscover what your purpose is, and then reconnect to that purpose and do what it takes to keep reconnected. Keep bringing yourself back to what it's about. That really helps us to trim off a lot of the excess that spreads us so thin and can make it not the pleasant, wonderful experience that we would like it to be. 

21:25 

Alright, and last one, tip number six, take some time for some self-care. It can be so easy to stress ourselves out, to spread ourselves too thin. More important than creating the perfect experience for everyone else is us actually showing up as the kind of person we really want to be. But sometimes we get so caught up in thinking we have to create all of this experience for everybody. No, most important, my friend, is us showing up how we want, being the person we want to be. Decide what it will take for you to really be that person. Is she relaxed? Is she engaged? Does she focus on others? Is she joyful? Okay, is  she laughing? Is she connecting? Is she enjoyable to be around? When we don't engage in self-care, it can be really difficult to show up the way that we really want to. So take time to slow down, to get enough sleep, to eat foods that make your body feel good. Take time to rest, to read, to reflect. Take time to get some exercise, to dance in the kitchen, and to do some meditation. When we show up relaxed, content, fulfilled, appreciative, we just feel better. And it always feels better when we're the person we really want to be. 

22:52 

And remember that self-care isn't all about manis and pedis and massages, although who doesn't love those things? I adore those things, right? But more importantly, it's about doing the boring and mundane things that keep our lives running smoothly and that cut back on our stress. That's what self-care is. So take some time to slow down from all the extra stuff that we do and take care of yourself. Make sure that you are engaging in that self-care, all right? 

23:30 

So there we go. Six practical tips to help you finish off the holiday season in better style than you ever have. I hope these helped, I hope there was something in there that you went, "oh, I can make a little shift here." The thing is, we don't have to change everything. A little nudge here, a little nudge there, and it will be better than it has been. That's all it takes, right? Just take an opportunity to nudge yourself more in the direction that you wanna go a little bit at a time, and guess what? Nudge, nudge, nudge, nudge, nudge. Over time, we are more the kind of person we wanna be. Having a happier holiday is all about you choosing to show up the way that you want. So choose to be more intentional this year. Choose to create what you want. This is the brilliance of growing up, knowing more clearly what we want, and having the skills to create it. Because I'm gonna say it again, it always feels better when we show up the person that we wanna be. I love growing up, don't you? 

24:38 

Alright, Tanya, back here in real time, 2024. That podcast was recorded three years ago in 2021, and Sione and I had just met. In fact, probably about the time that that was recorded was right about the time that we met in person for the first time. So it's amazing to me where three years can take a life, when it is focused, when it is intentional, when we are choosing the kind of life that we want to live. I'm living a life now that then just seemed, I don't even know that I had imagined that life could be so good. This is what coaching has to offer, and I know that coaching can move you into a better, stronger, happier, more fulfilling space. I absolutely know it. 

25:27 

So check out my classes if that's an option for you. Or check out one-on-one coaching. Please go, if you're feeling the nudge, that this is what you want for Christmas is some coaching or one of those classes. Get online, go to tanyahalel.com, go to the "free consultation" tab, set up a time to talk with me. Let's do some coaching. Let me help you get more clarity around your situation. Let me help you see how coaching can impact your life for the better. Maybe this is your year. Maybe this is your year to change the trajectory in an incredibly impactful and amazing way. I think it can be. I think anybody can change the trajectory in whatever positive ways that they want to, to create a stronger, better, healthier, happier, more engaging life. You've got this, my friend. You can do hard things, you can do amazing things, and coaching just might be part of your path. If it is, let's chat. OK, that's going to do it for me this week. Hope you have a great, great week and I will see you again next time. 

26:43 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.