00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 334, "Sense of Self and Parenting." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my sweet friends. Thank you so much for being here. As always, I've got some great stuff prepared for you today. I just have to say that I am loving this Sense of Self stuff. It's been on my radar for a bit. It's a piece that for me, though I go back and I listen, as I'm preparing for a lot of my group classes, I go back and listen to previous podcasts and stuff. And I've talked about this. It is a thread that has gone through all of this work. And yet, I think it's just been in the last four or five months that I have really honed in on how vital this Sense of Self is to all the work that we talk about. This staying in our lanes, the being able to have these open, honest communications, showing up as an equal. All of this is so dependent upon us having a strong Sense of Self. And it's really just been very, very clear to me as of late how vital this is. And so I'm really glad to be sharing this information with you. And I hope that you are figuring it out as we go along. 

01:32 

And if you're not, I hope that you will reach out. I have a free call available to you, a 90-minute coaching call that we can talk about anything you want. The second Tuesday of every month, I'm doing a "Talk with Tanya" where you can get on. And it's just an open webinar for whoever wants to come. We can talk about whatever you want. And I hope you will take advantage of some of these things so that if there are areas where you feel that you need some more solid footing in figuring this out, in being able to have a solid sense of self so that you can more fully and easily adapt the tools that we're talking about here on this podcast. I hope that you will take me up on some of these free resources because they're important. 

02:16 

Also I have classes that are amazing and people come into these classes and they just can't believe how much value they get from them, how important it is to have these discussions and to have separate topics of conversation per class and those are a much more affordable way for you to engage in this content as well and to get more specific information that you need. Then also the one-on-one coaching is a valuable resource to help you in a really individual manner to really up-level your game, to show up in a space where you get complete full access to me to be able to help you see more clearly what's going on in your brain, what your triggers are, what your sticking points are, what your patterns of behavior are is just such a valuable valuable thing. And though it's an investment in time and energy and money, it is so worth it. 

03:20 

It's not easy work, I will put that out there right away, it is difficult and and it's life changing, I will tell you that it's changed my life. Three years ago Sione and I were had not met each other in person, yet we were still spending two to three hours a night on the telephone. November 11 was the first day that we contacted each other on eHarmony, and so I look back at where my life has gone in the last three years and what he and I are able to create because of these tools, because of the work that we're willing to step into being, because of the tough discussions that we are not only willing to have but also capable of having that I don't think either one of us were capable of having in our previous lives. 

04:14 

And it's just brilliant work and I'm so grateful. So grateful for this work and I just implore you to figure it out, figure out what level of coaching you need here. Maybe you're fine with just listening to the podcast but maybe you would do really well with coming to some of these free calls, or signing up for a class or doing some one-on-one coaching. The life that you will be able to create will blow your mind. The clarity with which you will live. You just can't compare it to anything else. Never had anything like this in my life. And I'm not a unicorn, I promise you that. I'm just a regular person who's just, has some dogged determination to figure this out, and I am, and I get to share my journey with you, and I hope that you take me up on some of these resources. So anyway, sense of self. Super important to the work that we're doing.

05:23 

So today we're talking about sense of self and parenting. So whew, okay, let's jump in. So in the United States, it is Thanksgiving week, and so sense of self and parenting is a really good thing to talk about because many of us will be gathering with our families this week. And at our age, middle life, we will be spending time with our adult children and being able to create some awareness around how your sense of self is impacting your relationship with your adult children, both for good and bad will be plentiful with these opportunities that come up for Thanksgiving. It seems like so many people have a lot of drama around these big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the time in between because there's a lot of emotion involved in this time of year. And there's a lot of interactions with people we don't often interact with a lot. 

06:17 

So the stronger our sense of self, the more capacity we have for honoring the honoring our children's agency and staying in our own lane. The more underdeveloped our sense of self, the less safe of a space we will create for them to show up as them, fully them and not a pretend version that they have learned makes you feel comfortable. Our sense of self really refers to all things us. How do we see ourselves? How do we feel about ourselves? How do we think about ourselves? What are our perspectives, our personality traits and our preferences? And how do we think and feel about those? Are we at peace with who we are at our core? Do we love who we are and the path that we're on, or do we despise ourselves and feel insecure about our path and who we are? 

07:11 

When we have a strong sense of self, we feel as though we can stand firm. That's not to say that we think we're perfect or better than anyone else, but we know we're a good person. We know that we're doing good things and feeling good about the direction that our life is headed. We know we have faults, but we don't let those faults define us. We can easily live in a space of grace and equal relationships because we see that we are doing the best we know how, and we have the ability to extend this same grace to others around us. When we have an underdeveloped sense of self, we are looking to other people to define who we are, which is also why it is referred to as a reflected sense of self. Other people need to approve of us before we can approve of ourselves. A defining feeling of a reflected sense of self is insecurity because we aren't secure in ourselves unless others let us know that we're okay. We engage in a lot of people pleasing. We struggle to have healthy boundaries, and we struggle to stay in our lanes and keep others in their lanes. 

08:27 

So when we take all of this sense of self info and inject it into a discussion on being the parent of an adult child along with their spouses, we come across some very interesting struggles. We've spent a fair amount of time talking about parenting adult kids here on the podcast, and a concept I want to reiterate from those discussions is that when your kids become adults, we stop being verb parents and we step into becoming noun parents, meaning we are no longer parents in action. We don't tell them what to do. We stay out of their lane. We stop treating them like children, even when they show up acting like children or wanting to be treated like children. We make sure that we are their parent. We gave birth to them and we raised them and we love them endlessly, and we no longer have a say in what they do and how they do it. And in the show notes afterwards, I will reference some podcasts having to do with parenting adult kids so that you can have you can look into that more if you don't are not familiar with that. 

09:38 

So when our new job as a parent is not to parent, when it is to allow them to to be the adult in their own life and the choices they make and they choose to make, what does our sense of self have to do with that? Everything. Hopefully after the last four weeks of sense of self podcasts, you're starting to get a feel for why our sense of self is so vital to healthy relationships and the parent/adult child and even the parent/younger child relationship is no exception to this. I think it's easiest to show examples first from a more underdeveloped sense of self or a reflected sense of self first. 

10:18 

So if my reflected sense of self is always looking for the other person in the relationship to validate me, and pump up my ego balloon, then in a parent/child relationship, the same dynamic is happening. As a parent, my reflected sense of self will look to my child for an indication of my worth as a person, will seek validation from their love and acceptance of me in order to feel that I am of value or even that I was a good parent. And this is really problematic in our parent/child relationships because we see the situation so differently. What a child often thinks makes a good parent is not. 

11:01 

In actuality, what makes a good parent? If I have a reflected sense of self and my child asks for something that I don't think is helpful or even just something that I don't want to give, setting a clear and healthy boundary will be incredibly difficult. I will be wanting their approval, wanting their acceptance, wanting them to pump up my ego balloon, and I will be highly pressured by myself to give them what I don't really want to give in an effort to keep the peace, to avoid their wrath, to make them happy with me. Because an unhappy child is interpreted by my struggling sense of self as meaning that I am doing something wrong, that I am not important, that I am not a good parent. And what a struggling sense of self needs is validation from the child that I am a good parent, that I am important, that I'm doing things right. 

11:57 

And part of the problem isn't that we don't have great kids. It's that it's not the kid's job to validate us. It is not their job to make us feel important and valuable. And most kids, even adult kids, don't have the ability to validate their parents, to see the things that their parents do for them. Honestly, ask yourself when you really started to understand what your parents did for you. Most don't understand until they become parents themselves, and then only at the level that their own kids are in the developmental stage. So an adult child with toddlers will not fully comprehend what you did for them when they were teens. And it's not because they are ungrateful or horrible people. It's because they are people who can only make sense of the world from their own perspectives and experiences. 

12:53 

That's why most of us are pretty judgmental toward our parents and their failings. We don't understand their point of view. We don't see the sacrifices they made because our own experiences are different. So even though I now have adult children, my viewpoint of my parents when they had adult children is going to be different. Because I have never been as poor as an adult as my parents were when they were raising children. My dad taught high school. And on the side, he coached tennis. He taught driver's ed. He worked the concessions at the high school. He also taught Spanish and driver's education at the community college. My mom was sometimes a stay-at-home mom for their eight children, but she also sold real estate for other people. She even owned her own real estate business for a while. And she also worked secretarial jobs over the years. We always had food to eat. We always had a home, but we were kind of poor. And for many years we had a cow that my dad would milk every morning and night. And we had chickens that produced eggs that they needed to take care of. We always had a huge garden that my parents would preserve so much of the food and we would eat from it all fall as well as all winter long. 

14:16 

I can see all of this. As an adult, I can see this and I'm grateful for it, but I really have no idea how stressful this was for them, how difficult it was to manage a family of eight children spread out over 21 years. And not a lot of money, but lots of jobs. lots of responsibilities, and so much work to do at home. I cannot fully appreciate the sacrifices that they made for us and for me. And because I can't understand it all, I cannot validate them in the way that they would need to be validated if, one, they were still alive, but two, if they didn't have a strong sense of self. If they had been looking to any of their eight children to validate their efforts, they would have been sorely disappointed because even though I remember being grateful and I know that my siblings were grateful, we really had no idea of what they sacrificed for us. They had to be happy with what they were offering and who they were and how they were showing up. They could not depend on us kids as inexperienced and as self-centered as kids can to make them feel seen and valued as parents. Not only is it unfair to put the kids in charge of our sense of self, but it's also unrealistic and it's most likely just not going to happen. 

15:47 

And if we have a floundering sense of self and and expectations that our kids will shore up our parenting skills, we start stepping into behaviors that are dysfunctional and problematic for our relationships. We can become passive aggressive. We start throwing in little comments to let them know that they're not doing their job in pumping up our ego balloon. We might say things like, "if you really understood the sacrifices I made for you..." or maybe it would sound like "it would be nice to be appreciated once in a while. You know, it wouldn't hurt you to come around occasionally." Or what about "after all that I do...after all that I've done..." That's a shout out to the movie Ever After if you haven't seen that one. I love that one. 

16:37 

But, but are you hearing what's going on? We are seeking validation from them. And think about getting those types of comments from your own parents, your own mother. Would you just be so, so, so happy to acquiesce to her requests and get right on it? Or would you roll your eyes either figuratively or literally and feel your defensive walls come up a little higher around your heart? Me? It would be the second one. Getting comments like that are meant to guilt trip us into doing what they feel they need to feel appreciated. It's a control issue. 

17:16 

And the same thing happens when we engage in these types of ways with our kids. When we guilt trip them with passive aggressive comments, they might do it. But it will not endear them to us. It will not strengthen the relationship. It will add a few more bricks to the emotional wall around their heart. Or maybe rather than being passive aggressive, we just get aggressive and we yell at them. We tell them how ungrateful they are and how they never appreciate us. We just come straight out with it going through the front door. Or we might just shut down emotionally and begin gaslighting. "Mom, what's wrong?" "Nothing. I'm fine. It's fine. Everything's fine," all the while slamming pots and pans and doors and muttering under our breath. And then the kids leave and they vent to their spouse or their friends or their siblings about how they can never do anything right and how emotionally exhausting it is to be with us. And then they avoid us all the more, thereby becoming even less available to shore up our sense of self. And then our problem is exacerbated. 

18:24 

A reflective sense of self with our adult kids pushes them away. It breaks down relationships because we get very graspy and needy for them to come around so that they can validate our importance in their lives to let us know that we were the best parents and they're so grateful for all of our sacrifices and that our lives have not been in vain. And even if our kids do that, guess what? It will never be enough because that ego balloon is constantly leaking air and is in regular need of being pumped up. And we just cannot expect or plan on our kids doing that for us. We have to be in charge of pumping up that balloon ourselves. A strong sense of self would really appreciate gratitude from our kids for all that we've done and often continue to do. It would for sure appreciate acts of kindness and service, calls on our birthday, efforts to come home for family dinners, et cetera. It's not that those things aren't appreciated. Those things are, in fact, what loving, healthy relationships are built on. So though they're appreciated, it's that those things are not necessary for us to feel valuable, to feel as though we have done a good job as parents, to know that we did our best. 

19:45 

Sometimes our children can give us some pretty harsh and heavy feedback about how we showed up as parents. They will tell us about experiences that we have no recollection of, that hurt them, and that are reasons that they need therapy. They can sometimes not have any awareness of the sacrifices that we've made for them or the overwhelming love that we feel for them even now. And guess what? Although those things can be super hard to hear, many of us will hear them. I know that I have. And if my sense of self is dependent on my children approving of my efforts, I will sink into despair. I will go into super protective mode. I will question my value and my worth as a mother and as a person. 

20:36 

And guess what else? Of course I was a horrible mother sometimes. And I was also an amazing mother much of the time. I was both. Because I'm a human mother. There is no way that I was great all of the time. And when I can accept my failings and my frailties as a mother, when I can know that I did my best, the best humanly possible to me at the time, I can hear their criticisms. I can see their point of view. And it doesn't become a fight or a place where I feel attacked. I might feel sad. I might feel misunderstood. But I also understand that I was doing my best. And I don't feel sad because I think I was horrible. But rather I feel sad that my child now has a lot of work to do to clean up my failings as a parent. As every single child in the history of the world has had to do. 

21:36 

Every parent is full of imperfections and failings. And a strong sense of self will understand this. That doesn't mean that we gloss over our children's pain. Because guess what? It's real. And it's powerful. And it's painful for them. But a reflected sense of self would get angry or upset. Or maybe they would shut down and start affirming that, "oh, yeah, I was the worst mom," and it would have been better for their kids to have had a different mom. They would make it all about them. 

22:07 

In contrast, a strong sense of self can know that they did their best the best that they could. That sometimes their best was pretty horrible. And have the capacity to focus on their kids' experience on their pain and struggle to create space for their kids to work through this. A strong sense of self will be able to offer compassion, validation, empathy, and even apology because a mom with a strong sense of self doesn't question her value or her good intention efforts. Of course we messed up a lot. Of course we did things that hurt our children short term and even harmed them long term. But where our reflected sense of self will shut down, will get defensive, go into either one up or one down, and push the child farther away, a strong sense of self will be able to feel sad, feel compassion, offer validation and empathy, get curious, and ask sincere questions to understand their point of view. A strong sense of self will be able to take a good look at their perspective even when it might  be very different than ours. And, from that place, we can offer kindness and apologies rather than excuses and justifications. We cannot have a strong, honest, beautiful relationship with our adult kids if we don't have a strong, honest, beautiful relationship with ourselves if we don't have a strong sense of self. 

23:44 

Another struggle that an underdeveloped sense of self will have is not being able to set appropriate boundaries with our adult kids for fear of losing the relationship. So when the child asks for something that we don't feel comfortable with, when they move into our lane with doing things or asking for things that we're not okay with, a reflected sense of self will struggle to maintain healthy boundaries. Because we need their acceptance. We need their approval and validation to feel okay within ourselves. We will give in to things they ask, expect, or even demand of us in order to keep them around. We're terrified that if we say no or refuse, they will pack up their figurative bags and leave forever. 

24:30 

And guess what? They might. There aren't any guarantees. And yet our self-respect, our sense of self, requires that we align with ourselves first and foremost, that we stay true to our values and our desires, and that we recognize that our wants and needs matter. As our children move into adulthood, it is more and more important that we have clear boundaries between two adults, rather than the sometimes ambiguous boundaries between a parent and a younger child for whom we still have a lot of responsibility for. When we don't have clear boundaries with our adult children, it can be easy to move into more and more resentment as we feel walked all over, taken advantage of or treated like a doormat or an ATM. And from this place of resentment, we never show up cleanly with love and compassion. Whatever we do is laced with resentment, a tinge of anger here, or a shade of frustration there. We just can't keep it clean when we allow resentment. 

25:41 

When we are expecting our adult children to pump up our sense of self, we will be so afraid of them getting mad at us and not being there to pump us up, that we will lay down all boundaries to ensure that they stay around and are ready to pump. When we have a strong sense of self, we don't need them to constantly validate and approve of us. And so boundaries are easier, and we can accept their agency more fully. Now, this isn't to say that we intentionally push them away, we emotionally disengage, and we tell them where to shove it. We do love these people. And we also love ourselves. And we know that we get to live with ourselves every single day and that this relationship with us is one of the most important ones in our lives. If we can't live in peace with ourselves, if we can't have a strong sense of self and love us, then nothing else will really matter because we will destroy it with our lives in this space. Do we love our kids? Absolutely. And we know that being at peace with who we are, not people pleasing our kids, requires that we sometimes set boundaries that they won't be happy with. And they get to respond how they choose to respond. 

27:12 

And yes, sometimes they choose to separate from us for a time. That's painful and heartbreaking and so sad. And they get to do that if they want. They may even blame us and say that it's our fault and that if we love them more, we would behave differently. And this is another reason why having a strong sense of self is so important. Because if our child goes there, if they blame us for all the things, we have to know that it's not true. We have to know that we love them desperately, that we are doing what we feel is best. And as much as it's hurtful and difficult, they get to behave and respond however they want. A strong sense of self doesn't mean we're heartless and that we turn off our emotions. Often it means that we're going to feel some pretty strong, difficult emotions. It also means that we know that we will be okay, that we have our own backs, and that we know that we're making the best decision we know how at the time. It also means that if later on we realize we were wrong, that we will have the capacity to circle back around to apologize and make it as right as possible. 

28:31 

A struggling sense of self also struggles to own mistakes and misjudgments and apologize because we make our mistakes mean that we are worthless. If we really want healthy functional relationships with our adult children, a strong sense of self puts us in the best place to do that. Also, we get to touch base with agency, realizing that they have all the agency in the world to make any decision they want to. They get to ask for what they want. They get to respond how they choose to our decisions and behave how they deem best. Just as we do. 

29:14 

A strong sense of self has a better sense of our own agency and of other people's agency. We get that we all see the world differently, that we want different things because of that, and that it's all okay. We don't have to be the same in order to love and accept others. With a strong sense of self, we can love others wholly and completely, regardless of how they differ  from us, and many of our children differ in a lot of ways. They may differ in religious beliefs, parenting ideals, marital expectations, sexual identity, or political views, to name just a few. A strong sense of self is not threatened by these different views. She is able instead to create a safe space for them, to seek understanding of them, to be curious, and to still love, accept, and embrace them. 

30:09 

That's what it really means to be the parents of adult kids. Seeing, honoring, and accepting their adultness, and still desperately loving them, while seeing, honoring, and accepting our own adultness. Having a strong sense of self will not put us in this harmonious, no-conflict, everyone-singing kumbaya space, but it will create a space of love, compassion, validation, vulnerability, acceptance, honesty, respect. At least it will for us, because as we always talk about, we can't control anyone else. 

30:56 

Happy parenting, my friends. Step into that stronger sense of self, and you will be more at peace with how you are able to show up for your children, and with whatever choices your children choose to make. Sense of self is really where it's at if we're going to have these strong healthy beautiful relationships. And this is all part of growing up and I love it, don't you? Painful? Sometimes. Difficult? Sometimes. But an amazing, beautiful process. 

31:33 

Okay, that's gonna do it for our discussion today. So just a reminder if you want some help from me in figuring this out, you can go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can go to the "free consultation" tab. You can find a time on my calendar that we can get together and that we can chat about whatever it is you feel you need some help with, and we can talk about coaching and see if coaching is a good fit for you. I tell you what, it's brilliant. If this is what you want for Christmas, tell your spouse, tell your kids, tell anybody that you want some coaching for Christmas because I promise you it will be the best gift you'll ever receive. I cannot believe the difference that coaching has created in my life. And as I watch my clients, I can't believe the difference it makes in their lives. It is a beautiful process and I would love for you to partake of it a little bit. 

32:33 

Also, if you have not left me a review for this podcast and you are a regular listener, I would just really appreciate that. That helps other people to find this and you don't even have to step outside of your comfort zone to do that. A little bit more uncomfortable for some of you would be to share this, to copy the link and send it to a friend, or to add it to your social media account or something where you say, "hey, this is great information about this." Maybe you get together a group of friends who you know would love this content and every week you listen to a podcast and you come together to talk about it. I have a group of coaches that I meet pretty much regularly every single week and we discuss and talk about things that we're encountering and what's going on. It's a beautiful space to dig deeper with like-minded people. And if that doesn't work, then look into some of my classes that are going to be available at the New Year. And there you can find people who are interested in talking about the same stuff. 

33:38 

So thank you so much for being here today. I hope this helped clarify and I hope that it helps make your parenting journey more, easy is not going to be the word, more doable for you. I hope that it helps you feel better about who you are as you develop a stronger sense of self. You will feel better about your parenting. And the parenting relationship may look different than they do now, but they will feel better to you and you will be creating something healthier and better. Okay, have an awesome awesome week, my friends and I'll see you next time. Bye. 

34:19 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.