00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 333, "Sense of Self and Dating." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, well, hello there, my friends and welcome to the podcast today. As always, very glad to have you joining me and I am glad to be joining you on your journey as you figure out your stuff as well, just like I'm figuring out my stuff. I think that that's just a lifelong journey for all of us. 

00:40 

Alright, before we jump in today, I want to remind you that my holiday classes are up on the website. They are good to go. I have two classes, the same class but two different time options. They both are on Mondays. They both start on November 18th and they run every Monday for six weeks until December 23rd. The time options are 12 Mountain/2 Eastern or an evening class 6 Mountain/8 Eastern. I want you to be aware of those. I know that you're probably thinking, "oh, that's such a busy time of the year." But here's the deal: one hour a week of coming to class and then listening to some podcasts while you're running around in your car gathering some information to get ready for class. I promise you it will be worth your time if you sometimes struggle with keeping your head about you and getting overwhelmed during the holiday season. 

01:33 

There are people that we just don't have to get stressed about that sometimes we get super stressed about. There are situations that we get a lot of drama around that we just don't have to have drama around. So come and join the classes. Let's help keep you balanced and centered during the holidays so that this can be one of your best holidays ever. So we've got a week from the time that this comes out to get signed up for that. If you're interested, go to tanyahale.com, go to the "group coaching" tab and you can find that class. 

02:04 

The other thing I want to talk to you about is tomorrow if you're getting this on the day that this comes out, November 12th. Every second Tuesday of the month I'm going to start doing what I'm calling "Talk with Tanya." And this is a free webinar that you can come to. I don't have a set curriculum for the webinar. This is a "just show up," we can talk about a situation that you're in. We can discuss a topic more in-depth that you want. You can ask me questions about my dating or my marriage or any kind of thing that you just want to talk about. Just so we can touch base so that I can help you step into better understanding of your situation where you're at, that kind of stuff. So if you want to do that you also need to go to the to my website, tanyahale.com, go to the "group coaching" tab, and there will be a place there for you to sign up, and then you will get an email where you can get the link so that you can show up for those. And I think those are just gonna be fun, just kind of low maintenance, easy peasy for both of us. So make sure that you are signing up for those if you would like to get some coaching and some insight and that kind of stuff. 

03:17 

Alright, let's go ahead and jump in today. We are continuing with the Sense of Self series that I'm doing. This is just such a vast topic, and it is so foundational to all the work that we do. It is difficult for us to step into so many of these tools that I teach if we do not have a strong sense of self. So the last two weeks we dug more deeply into what a sense of self is, how it shows up, why we get it, and how we can start to manage it. So last week we talked about sense of self being all in your head. It is a place in our head that we have to learn to be aware of, listen to our thoughts, and manage those thoughts and think intentional thoughts instead. We cannot let our brain run rampant with thoughts that are wreaking havoc in our lives, and yet many of us do that with complete unawareness around the fact that we're doing that. So that's a large part of what sense of self is. 

04:15 

So last week, going along with that, we talked about how the only person who can create shift or change of sense of self is us, because it is all in our head. So I heard an analogy earlier this morning from Brooke Castillo about these thoughts, and I wanted to share it with you about the thoughts that we have in our head. So thoughts are like mail that comes into our mailbox. We get some good stuff, for sure, that we want to open up and peruse, but we also get a lot of junk mail. And for me, most of the junk mail that I get, I don't even bother to open the envelope or flip through the magazine or paper. I see that it's an ad for something or it's trying to get me to sign up for a credit card or something like that and I just toss it in the recycling. I don't even bother to open the envelope. 

05:02 

We get a lot of thoughts in our head every day just like we get mail in our mailbox and some of these thoughts are useful and we want to open them up and see what's going on because we know that they have something helpful for us in there. But many of our thoughts are like junk mail. They aren't helpful and they don't contain relevant information. In fact, many of these thoughts are actually false thoughts. So just like I take the junk mail that comes to my home and I throw it right in the recycle bin, I can learn to take these untrue and destructive thoughts and just immediately throw them away. Get rid of them. I don't have to pile them on the counter so I can go through them at a later time. I don't have to spin in indecision wondering if I should keep it or not. I don't have to open them up and see if there is useful info or info in there. I can just throw it away and move on. It doesn't even have to spend any time on my counter. A lot of times I will pick up the mail and on my way through the garage, I will throw all the junk mail in the recycle bin and it doesn't even come into the house. 

06:05 

So I've used the idea before that when I have a thought to do something that I would never do, like I'm driving my car and I see two runners on the side of the road and my brain says, "huh, I could take out those two runners if I just turned my steering wheel," right? I do not have to give that thought any consideration, and generally I don't. I don't wonder if it might be a good idea. I don't try to figure out where that thought might've come from. I don't start beating myself down for having it or I don't ruminate for weeks about what that thought might actually mean about me as a person or I don't even think if I should actually do it. I just dismiss it as a ridiculous thought and I start a different line of thinking. I change what I'm thinking about because we can choose to do the same thing with any thought that comes into our heads. Just because it's there doesn't mean that it's true or that I have to believe it or act on it. Our brain lies to us all the time and I get to choose which thoughts to latch onto, which thoughts to believe. 

07:12 

So why in the world would I choose to hold so tightly to the thought that I'm unworthy or that I'm ugly or stupid or ridiculous or unlovable? Why would I want to believe the thought that I was a horrible parent or that nobody wants to be my friend? All of these feel horrible. They result in me showing up in destructive ways. And guess what, they're not even true thoughts. Just because they come into our head doesn't mean we have to believe them. We can just think "next" and switch our thinking to the next thought, just like we do when we have the thought of taking out the runners. It doesn't align with my values, it's not something I want to do, it's not indicative of who I am, so I just move on. The thoughts are not true, they're not helping me. 

08:11 

And the reason that this can be so tricky with our destructive thoughts about ourselves is that we are not practiced at saying "next" and moving on. In the past we have let those junk thoughts sit on our counters and we flip through them, we wonder what to do with them, we think maybe we should reply, we consider them, we give them space, and when we give them space they take up space and they become a permanent feature of our thought patterns. So the plan going forward is that when you become aware of one of these false and intrusive thoughts you just think, "not true. Not helpful. Moving on." And you don't let your brain dwell on it and start finding evidence for it because your brain will find lots of evidence if we let it stick around. Your brain can find evidence for every thought it has if you let it hang out on the counter long enough. Right into the recycle bin, baby. Not helpful. Not true. Moving on. 

09:13 

Okay, so let's dig into the topic of our sense of self in dating today. So if you're not currently in a dating space, these concepts will still ring true with any other relationship you're in. I'm just focusing on a dating scenario today and helping you see how it shows up in this space. I am currently teaching a group dating class and the concept of sense of self comes up quite often because how we think about ourselves shows up in how we feel and in how we behave. Let's put a thought such as "I'm not lovable" into our thought line of the model. That thought will create a feeling of insecurity or maybe fear. And  from either of these two feelings, what actions arise? Things such as hesitancy, holding back, or maybe protective measures like a lack of vulnerability or emotional distance. And what is the end result? We don't make ourselves available to be loved. So we think "I'm not lovable" and the end result is we don't make ourselves available to be loved. Fascinating how that works, right? 

10:21 

When we are dating, it's just so important that we get to a place of a strong sense of self before we start putting ourselves out there. If we don't, then we will intuitively start looking for the other person to validate our insecurities. Now this isn't to say that we don't have things we're not good at. Of course we do. We're humans after all. But a healthy sense of self will have made peace with those imperfections and understanding that they are a part of who we are. They are part of our whole, part of our humanity, part of what makes us us. And we're not afraid to own them and let other people see them. Because if the people we are seeing in a dating type of situation don't see the real us, they can't make a good decision. They cannot learn to love the real us if they never meet the real us. 

11:18 

And when we have an underdeveloped sense of self, we will often go into dating situations trying to only show our best selves. The parts of us that we feel will be most appealing and make us most acceptable to the people we go out with. Can you start to see the challenge in showing up that way? We end up starting off any of these relationships based on dishonesty, and we are blurring the edges of who we are. And ultimately, this is destructive. Because if they do get to a point where they feel they love us, we will question, "do they really love me or do they love the pretend version of me that I'm letting them see?" Do we wonder "if they really knew me, they wouldn't want me?" If that's a thought for you, you just might not be showing up in a healthy way. When we can show up in any dating situation confident in the whole of us, choosing to be who we are regardless of who we are with, we are in a much better situation to find a solid, healthy connection. 

12:25 

I think one of the reasons dating gets such a bad rap is because we hear so many stories of people showing up dishonestly, and it's only after months or sometimes even years of dating that we find out that this person has a shadow side that is destructive and unacceptable. So, I have an experience in my divorced years of dating somebody for six months before finding out some pretty sketchy information. And I couldn't control how this man showed up, or the lies that I was told, and the deceptions that were presented to me. But because I had a strong sense of self, the minute literally that I found out the truth, I could walk away from that relationship. The text was sent, and it was done, right, that quick, as soon as I found out. I loved him, and it hurt like crazy to be in that situation. And I cried so much for about two weeks. I would go to school, and I would come home, and I would lay on my bed, and I would cry every day for about two weeks. But I also loved myself enough not to allow that type of person into my life. 

13:34 

So a strong sense of self does two things in dating. It allows us to show up honestly and authentically, which is necessary for an equal, connected relationship. And it also allows us to protect ourselves from people who may be dangerous. We aren't afraid to walk away when we see red flags or when we encounter non-negotiables. An underdeveloped or a reflective sense of self is looking for someone else to make them feel worthy or important or valuable because they can't access those types of feelings themselves. 

14:10 

Conversely, when we know we are worthy, important, and valuable all by ourselves, we don't need to settle. And settling will always be the worst option in dating. As soon as we start negotiating with ourselves and lawyering up with ourselves in trying to convince ourselves why we should be dating this person, we're in sketchy ground. That is when we should turn around and walk out the door, right? When we go out and meet people from an abundance mindset rather than a scarcity mindset. From a place of, "I deserve an amazing person who makes my life significantly better," rather than a place of, "well, he might be the best I get," we will ultimately find a very different person. 

15:01 

So do you see the difference there? A strong sense of self is 100% okay with who they are, whether they are partnered with another person or not. They love themselves so much, not from a "better than other people" sort of way, but from an "I'm a good person doing good things in the world" sort of way. This person has the ability to offer themselves a lot of grace for their humanity and others, but not in an, "I excuse all of my bad behavior" sort of way, but from an "I'm not perfect and I hold myself accountable" sort of way. This is an abundance mindset. When a person struggles with their sense of self, they feel they need another person in their life in order to be valuable, in order to validate their contributions, in order to pump up their ego balloon. A struggling sense of self will push you in the direction of settling because they may be the best you'll ever get and someone is better than no one, even if that someone is a settle. Do you see the scarcity mindset in that? 

16:09 

Here's another thing a struggling sense of self will do for you: it will cause you to think that when another person says "no" to you, that there is something wrong with you. You will internalize it all, right? That's where you don't have that boundary of expecting other people to validate you. So if you go out with someone any number of times and then they let you know that they aren't interested in going out anymore, your thoughts will most likely be something along the lines of, "what is wrong with me that they don't like me?" Or "I'm not good enough for them." Notice that a reflected sense of self will internalize the other person's decision and make it about their worth and value, when in reality the other person's decision is all about them. They have their wants and needs and preferences and you just don't happen to fit in that. Their decision doesn't say anything about your worth or your value at all. 

17:10 

A strong sense of self might be hurt and they might be sad when that happens. And it will also be able to see the bigger picture that if the other person doesn't want to be with you it's a good thing that they understand that now rather than later. Because who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Do you see the abundance in this kind of mindset? We're not afraid of this person not working out because we'll eventually find the person that does. A struggling sense of self will cause you to say "yes" to things you don't really want to say "yes" to. In the dating arena, we might continue to say "yes" to dating someone because we think someone else might not come along, that this person might be the best I'm ever going to find. Do you notice the scarcity mindset? And that is not fair to the other person and it is not honest. 

18:12 

But this inability to say "no" might cause us to allow the other person to cross sexual boundaries or even emotional and physical boundaries because we're afraid of losing them or we're afraid of being alone. A reflective sense of self will put up with behaviors that aren't really okay because we're afraid of failure, afraid of being left or of someone being angry with us or of never finding our person and being alone the rest of our lives. Can you see the tendency to people please in a person who doesn't have a strong sense of self? This person will base so much of their value as a person on what others think about them, that they will go into all sorts of people pleasing behaviors in an effort to keep the other person around so that they will keep pumping up their ego balloon. 

19:12 

And when we're dating, this is all very dangerous stuff. These are behaviors that are setting us up for failure in a longer term relationship with this person. When we say we are okay with behaviors that we are not okay with, when we turn a blind eye to abusive patterns and emotionally manipulative patterns, we are letting the other person know that how they are behaving is acceptable. But that behavior will not change as the relationship progresses. It will most likely become more entrenched. It will become one of these patterns in your relationship, and we allow this to happen when we feel like we need the other person to make us feel whole and complete. 

19:59 

And this is why a strong sense of self is so vital when we are dating. A strong sense of self allows us to say "no" to behaviors that are not okay. It allows us to set and maintain boundaries that protect us and it empowers us to walk away from anything that is unhealthy or abusive because we know we don't need that person to be important and valuable. And maybe it's not even unhealthy or abusive, but maybe it's just a non-negotiable for us. Or we have so many things that don't align, that we don't align on, that it would make for a very difficult marriage. When we have a strong sense of self, we would rather be alone than with someone who is destructive and dysfunctional and/or difficult. We have the capacity to walk away because we love ourselves and we enjoy our own company enough to be content even by ourselves every Friday and Saturday night for the rest of our lives if need be. 

21:05 

That doesn't mean that a person with a strong sense of self won't feel lonely or won't crave an emotional connection with someone. It just means that we will ultimately make decisions that will act in our best interest, that we protect ourselves, that we would rather be alone than with someone who will treat us poorly or make our lives more difficult in ways that marriage isn't meant to be difficult. 

21:34 

I will tell you that I had no idea before I married Sione...well, I guess I did after 90 Day number one, but I had no idea that marriage could be easy and fun. I just didn't know that because it never was, right? So when after a first date that we think went really well, we never hear from them again, we're able to genuinely think "I'm sad because I had a good time, and I'm glad they are clear that I'm not a good fit for them." Because if they don't think you're a good fit, if they aren't enamored and entranced by you, why would you want to be with them? You don't need to find a million men who think you're amazing and that the sun rises and sets around your incredible self. You just need to find one who thinks that. And if they self-select themselves out of a relationship with you, all the better. That is less work that you need to do. And when you have a strong sense of self, you will also be more clear on who is a good fit for you who isn't, and you will selfselect yourself out of a relationship with other people as well. And it won't have anything to do with their value as a person or their worth, just that you realize and understand that there are things that are important to you that aren't a good fit with that particular person. 

23:05 

And you get to have your preferences and your ideas about what's important and what is not. For example, I am not a pet person. I'm not anti-animal, just don't want pets. So when I was dating and looking on profiles, if someone had pics with a pet or said that they loved animals, I would swipe, I think it was left on the dating site that I was on, I would swipe left that would say, "nope, not interested." Not because there's anything bad or wrong about loving pets, but because my preference is not to have pets. I thought it would be very unfair for me to ask a pet lover not to have a pet and it would be equally unfair for a pet lover to ask me to have a pet. There is nothing wrong with me for not loving or wanting a pet, and there is nothing wrong with anyone who does love and want pets. It's just preference. But for me, I feel strongly enough about it that it was also a non-negotiable. 

24:07 

All people get to have their preferences, and if you don't fit in someone's preference box, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means you're not a good fit in that particular way. And of course, you won't be a good fit for everyone. And of course, you won't be a good fit for every person that you would like to be a good fit for. And of course, everyone who wants to be a good fit for you won't be. And you get to choose who is a good fit and who's not. The stronger your sense of self, the more it won't rock you to the core when a fit doesn't happen. 

24:45 

And again, it doesn't mean we're heartless and we don't have feelings. Some of these situations might make us feel very sad. We will for sure have people we really like who don't see us as a good fit and don't like us back. But that's what the dating process is all about. Really figuring out how to stand up confidently in your sense of self, showing up fully and beautifully as you with all of your likes and dislikes, with your strengths and your weaknesses, your successes and your failures. A strong sense of self will not feel ashamed of your weaknesses. It will not feel as though you are less than and less worthy of an amazing person because of them. A strong sense of self is confident in their whole self and is confident in who they are and where they're headed. 

25:36 

Again, that doesn't mean you have all the answers and that you always do the right thing. It doesn't mean that we aren't overly intimidated by the process of being wrong, of getting hurt, of feeling pain, of having someone tell us we're not the one they're looking for, or by us needing to tell someone else that they're not the one we're looking for. Your strong sense of self will just let you know that you are worth the wait until you find someone who will make your life significantly better, just as you will make their life significantly better. 

26:10 

It will let you know that even when there is pain, and rejection, and sadness, because of the hopes that you had in a particular relationship, that you will pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Nobody can keep you from growth and happiness. Your strong sense of self will help you show up open, vulnerable, and honest, knowing that that is your best bet for finding the person who will be a great fit for you. even if the pathway can be a little bit rocky along the way. 

26:48 

I promise you there are amazing men and women out there and they have a strong sense of self and they are healthy and they want someone with a strong sense of self who is also healthy. So when you are strong, when you love yourself, when you are willing to wait until you find someone who makes your life significantly better, you will ultimately be so much h appier with your choice and willing to put in the effort to apply the tools that will create a magical and miraculous relationship. 

27:23 

So if you're struggling a lot with your sense of self, you may want to hold off dating a bit until you have your feet on more solid ground. If you're struggling a bit with sense of self, dating might be a great way to practice showing up for yourself and as yourself. Like asking for what you want. If you've already got a strong sense of self and you think you might want a relationship, get out there. Show up as you. You have nothing to be ashamed of in you. You have nothing to be embarrassed of. You have no reason to hold back any part of you. That is your best bet for finding a good match by showing up honestly. So if you feel like you've got a strong sense of self, go, go find your person, show up honestly and and and make it work. 

28:32 

A huge side benefit of the work that I do with my clients is helping them get a stronger sense of self. When we step into doing all the relationship work that I do with many of my clients and they even those that are married and they encounter difficult situations and yet they show up in alignment with who they are. They show up as an equal partner for the first time in ever. They are patient and kind and loving in ways that they have not been in the past. They create a safe space for the person that they're with in ways that they never have before. As they do that, a natural byproduct of showing up better is a stronger sense of self. They get more self-respect because they're like "wow, look at me showing up like a boss. I'm doing amazing things." That is part of our sense of self: knowing that I am capable of being amazing and showing up the way that I want. 

29:36 

So this work is good stuff. So those of you dating, if you want to talk about this a little bit, I have my free consult that you can go to the "free consultation" button on my website and sign up for a 90 minute coaching session with me. And we will also talk about coaching and how it might be of benefit to you. I also have my Talk with Tanyas the second Tuesday of every month that you can show up and you can ask questions and talk about whatever you show up that you want to talk about. Take me up on some of these free tools. I want to offer value in your lives. I want to help you move into a stronger, healthier sense of self because every relationship in your life will be better if you have a stronger sense of self. And as I've mentioned on here before the research says that the stronger and better our relationships, the stronger and better our lives. The quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships and the quality of our relationships is determined on the strength of our sense of self. 

31:00 

Okay, that's going to do it for me. Next week we're going to be talking about sense of self and relationships, talking more about marriage relationships, what it looks like and what are the challenges of not having a strong sense of self in a marriage and how do we get there. It's going to be another another really great discussion and I'm excited to have you join me for that one as well. 

31:22 

Please share this podcast. If you are finding it helpful you can leave a review that would help other people find it. You can share this on social media with friends. You can go to the on the podcast. There's those three buttons and you can click on those and it will have copy link. You can share that on a social media post or you can share it with a friend who you feel could really benefit from this information. There's just so many ways that you can share this and help other people find this information that is just so valuable and so important. More and more as I work with clients and see the incredible impact that this has on lives and on relationships, the more strongly I feel about really sharing this message and getting it out there more. So if you can help me, I would just appreciate it. Share it, talk about it, get friends listening to it and discuss these topics more in-depth among yourselves so that you will put more pieces together. I promise it'll make a difference. Okay, have an awesome, awesome week and I'll see you next time. Bye. 

32:29 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!