00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 332, "Sense of Self: It's All in Your Head." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. I'm just so glad to have you here. Thanks for coming back, or if you're new, welcome. Hope you find some great, great stuff here. We are continuing on today with some more amazing information about sense of self. But before I do that, I just want to remind you that I have holiday classes. I don't even know what to call them...stress and relationship classes for the holidays. Our relationships can cause us a lot of stress in the holidays, dealing with people who we may not deal with on a regular basis, who maybe drive us a little bit crazy and we are going to talk about how do we show up and how do we be these amazing people that we know we are, and yet just doesn't always show up in how we interact with people around us. And how do we keep our cool and how do we just be loving even when people are not how we think they should be. 

01:15 

And we're also going to talk a lot about all the overings that we tend to do during the holidays. All the overpreparation, the overdecorating, the overbuying, the overeating, the over... We're going to spend a couple of sessions also talking about the overing and why do we do it? What is it about the overing that is so enticing and how do we loosen our grip a little bit on that? We probably don't have time to completely get rid of all the overing, but we can at least create some awareness around it that's going to help you feel a lot better and have a lot less stress in your holidays. 

01:48 

So check those out on my website, tanyahale.com. There's a tab called "group coaching" and you can sign up there. I've done these pretty cheap and there's going to be two available. I'm going to have an afternoon session available that is going to start at two Eastern or 12 Mountain. And I have an evening class available that's going to be at eight Eastern, six Mountain. So you can sign up for either one of those and they should be great. I'm super, super excited to do those. I've also got some coming in the new year. So if you are not on my mailing list so that you get all of this information when it first comes out, make sure you get there. You can go to tanyahale.com and I currently have a pop-up where you can sign up for the "weekend win." So take care of that; would love to see you there. 

02:35 

So let's jump into today. So we are continuing on with the discussion of our sense of self. So last week we defined our sense of self, which is our own self-concept, how we see ourselves, how we either accept and appreciate ourselves, or we don't. We also talked about some of the factors for where our sense of self came from. And this week, we're going to dig a little bit deeper into understanding sense of self, understanding why it's so important, and also talking about how do we develop a stronger sense of self? So if we have an underdeveloped sense of self, or as we're going to talk about today, a reflective sense of self, how do we adjust that so that we have a more solid sense of self? So that's what we're doing. 

03:22 

So David Schnarsh has done a lot of research around sense of self, and he talks about a less developed sense of self as being a reflective sense of self. This means that who you think you are, how you feel about yourself, and how you choose to carry yourself is directly influenced by, or linked to, or reflected back to us by what others think about us, how they behave toward us, and how they feel about us. So that's a reflective sense of self. In contrast, Schnarsh describes a solid sense of self as being who you think you are, how you feel about yourself, and how you choose to carry yourself. And it is independent of what others think about you and how they behave toward you, and how they feel about you. 

04:10 

So let me give you this example that Schnarsh uses in his book, "Intimacy and Desire." He says, "picture your ego as a giant inflatable balloon, and you have a hand pump in front of it to pump up your ego balloon. A person with a reflected sense of self cannot, or does not, inflate their own ego balloon. Instead, they rely on the people around them to inflate it for them. In other words, someone that operates from a place of a reflected sense of self relies on the people around them to feel good about themselves. If someone isn't inflating their ego, they are feeling bad about themselves. Or if someone says something negative about them, then they react negatively. A reflected sense of self is defined by reactivity. If you are reactive to anything anyone else says or does, that is a reflected sense of self." Continuing on with his quote, he says, "On the other hand, someone with a solid sense of self inflates their own ego balloon and doesn't need anyone else to do it for them. They are more or less impervious to the behavior of others because they don't need anyone else's approval, validation, or acceptance. They are solid within themselves and own what's theirs while simultaneously recognizing what isn't theirs to own in terms of other people's issues and thereby not reacting to their poor behavior." 

05:36 

So I love this great visual example: when we need others to pump up our balloon. We are always at their mercy as to whether we feel good about ourselves or not. And regardless of how much someone might love us, they will never be around all of the time to pump up our ego. So if we want to have this solid sense of self, we can't be waiting for other people. So this was a lesson that I learned many years ago, 20 plus, so probably 25 years ago. My previous husband was deployed with the military and I got some pretty devastating and heartbreaking news. And my best friend lived two doors down and I ran down the street to go talk to her to receive some comfort and some understanding. And she opened the door with tears in her own eyes because she had just had her own devastating experience that morning. And as much as she loved me, she did not have the capacity to be there for me at that moment for me to share what I was going through. And her situation was pretty darn serious. And that's just the human way of things. It is great to have amazing people in our lives and we love having them there to support and help us, but they cannot, they will not, and they are not supposed to be there all the time. We have to have our own strong sense of self. We have to be able to support ourselves. 

07:09 

I'm not saying it's bad to have other people supporting us, but that's part of the relationship circle, not part of our own self circle. And the price we pay for having a reflected sense of self and only feeling good about ourselves when others approve of and accept us is feeling bad about ourselves when other people don't. Someone who operates from a reflected sense of self is dependent upon other people for their emotional wellbeing. We expect other people to regulate our emotions and we can only feel strong and confident, loved, or important when others are busy pumping pumping pumping away to keep our ego inflated. 

07:51 

Obviously the healthier space is having a solid sense of self because this person is able to choose how they want to be and they are that person regardless of how others interact with them. They are able to take full accountability for their actions while at the same time not taking on responsibility for what isn't theirs and they are able to be fully connected to others while also being emotionally independent. A solid sense of self really lands us in a place to be there for ourselves and also a place to be there for others. So when you have a solid sense of self, the concept of staying in your own lane is easier in every aspect. 

08:38 

For one thing, you aren't always inviting other people into your lane to take responsibility for what you should be responsible for. We are each responsible for our own sense of self, our ability to be confident, to feel empowered, to stay in alignment with our values, to emotionally regulate ourselves. And expecting other people to do that for us is not only unfair to us, but it's also unfair to them. Other people will expect to get their sense of self through their spouse. So they may feel important and valuable because of their spouse's job or how their spouse looks or their spouse's church responsibility or how their spouse builds them up and says nice things to them. They may have expectations that their spouse tell them how beautiful they are so that they can feel beautiful or have their spouse notice the new decorations in the bedroom so that they can feel validated in their worth in the home. But we can't expect other people to make us feel all of those things, okay? 

09:41 

Or we may try to get our sense of self through our children and their successes. When they are on the path that we have mapped out for them in our minds, we feel our worth. When they are excelling at school, when they are doing good at sports, when they have mastered a new song on the piano, we might feel our worth, that's how we get it. But when a child  starts making different decisions, decisions that aren't on the path that we had for them, our sense of self may be in jeopardy. And I'll tell you what, that's a lot of pressure for a younger person to feel as though they are in charge of their parent's worth and value. That's not good parenting, right? They are not in charge of our worth and value. We are. So anytime we expect others to create our sense of value or worth, we are inviting others into our lane to take responsibility for our sense of self. That is never a good strategy, though it's one many of us have used over the years. 

10:45 

Second, a strong sense of self makes it so much easier to set appropriate boundaries when other people want to come into our lane. We are clear on who we are, what we want and need, and we aren't afraid of others not liking us or accepting us when we stand strong in who we are and what we want. So where the first example I gave is a lack of boundaries that actively invites other people into our lanes to take responsibility for what we should be responsible for, the second example is a lack of boundaries to keep people out that we don't want in. People trying to take responsibility for things that we're like, "no, no, no, I got this, this is mine." Okay? 

11:27 

And then the third example of boundaries is when we have a strong healthy sense of self, we also recognize the importance of staying out of other people's lanes. We recognize what is ours and what is theirs and we don't step into delusions of grandeur that we know what is best for them and try to tell them what to do or how to do it. We let other people be responsible for themselves. We stay out of their lane. So I alluded to this last week, but I think it's helpful to recognize and clarify that our first self in life is a reflected sense of self. As a helpless newborn, there is no "me." We don't have the conscious awareness to create a separate identity from our caregivers. But as we grow and as our parents don't always do what we want, we begin to recognize that there is a separation of persons. When we are always feeling comfortable and nurtured, we don't create the awareness that there are two of us. We never get that individuation that we talked about last week. 

12:31 

So as young children, we do depend on others for our sense of identity, for our self-worth, and our security. That's a normal part of our development. And it's important that as we grow and mature, we start to take on more and more of the responsibility for our sense of self. Depending on our home environments and how our parents responded to our natural urges for individuation, we might have retreated into a reflective sense of self or felt empowered to start stepping into a more solid sense of self or we may have stepped way up into delusions of grandeur and thinking that we are way more important than other people. 

13:16 

So a reflected sense of self is often manifested into different ways: dominant or submissive. So the dominant type will seek to control, manipulate, dominate, change, or intimidate their partner. They don't accept negative feedback. A dominant type won't take responsibility for their actions and they expect everyone else to conform to them and what they want. They care more about themselves than they do about others and would often be described as selfish or in overused today's terminology, "narcissistic." They will blame others for their emotions. This is a reflected sense of self. Interesting, right? So if you're connecting the dots here, these are very one up thinking patterns and behaviors. And this is often referred to as grandiose thinking. 

14:11 

And this inflated sense of self is also considered an underdeveloped sense of self because it relies on our comparison with other people to create our sense of self. If others fall in line and submit to our demands, then we see ourselves as valuable. As soon as the other people start standing up to us and pushing back our sense of self is at risk. Again, a reflected sense of self relies on other people as a gauge for our worth, even when it's coming from this one-up, dominant space. So, a submissive type of reflected sense of self will seek to please, to pacify, save, or submit to their partner. They don't offer negative feedback, and they easily accept responsibility that isn't theirs. They will conform to the people around them, and will be selfless to the exclusion of taking care of themselves. They care more about others than they care about themselves, and they blame themselves for the emotions of others. And again, if you're connecting the dots, these are very one-down thinking patterns and behaviors. 

15:18 

So, notice when we are in a reflected sense of self, or an underdeveloped sense of self, we very, very easily go into one-up and one-down thinking patterns and behaviors. There is always this comparison with people around us. We're always like,  "how do I compare? Am I better than? Am I worse than?" We put all the people on a scale. Right? So, when we start connecting this with our sense of worth that we talked a lot about last week, it all starts fitting together, right? So, here's the deal. Most of us will exhibit both of these types of thought patterns: dominant and submissive. But we will generally tend to gravitate toward one more than the other. And when we are in these spaces, again, it is very difficult to have healthy and clear boundaries, either in protecting our lane or in swerving into the other person's lane. 

16:13 

But here's the good news. Even if, as a child, you didn't have a healthy emotional separation for whatever reason, and you didn't develop a solid sense of self, that work is still available to us as adults. So, from the REACH search that I've done and the work that I've done on myself and helped others to do, I understand that this is sense of self work is all internal. Nobody else can do it for us. It is all in our head. It is so dependent on our own awareness about how we are engaging with others and figuring out why we are engaging that way. It also comes down to the thinking patterns we have and how we engage with ourselves in our own brains. So how do we talk to and self-correct? How do we self regulate and monitor our emotions? How do we choose to interpret the world and the intentions of other people? So many of the tools we talk about and work on here on the podcast are tools that help us to create a more solid sense of self. What it requires from us is the ability to self confront, to work to gain greater awareness of ourselves and a willingness to call ourselves out on destructive behaviors and to do so compassionately in order to make the small adjustments necessary. 

17:39 

So David Schnarsch talks about four points of balance, or four areas we need to gain greater awareness around our sense of self. These four points can help us understand ourselves better and see more clearly where we have work to do. So again, these come from Schnarsch's book called "Intimacy and Desire". So the first sense of self is, he says, "a solid, flexible self. This is holding onto yourself while someone else pressures you to change. It's knowing who you are and sticking to it regardless of the pressure that you get from other people, not giving in to peer pressure or demands from others, not needing to pretend to be someone else, not pretending to care or not care, and being uncomfortable with what we care about, but rather being 100% comfortable being authentically you, but recognizing also that you are not perfect and you will always have things that you can improve on, taking others perspectives into account, but not taking them as law for you to see yourself." 

18:50 

So we create awareness around what is you and what is your spouse or the other person in the relationship. We get to have our own wants and needs. And though these may change, they change because we have gained new information or reevaluated our stance or grown and developed in some way. They don't change because we feel the need to be accepted or approved of in order to be loved or a value to somebody else. 

19:18 

Alright, the second one is a quiet mind, calm heart. So regulating your own anxiety and difficult emotions, knowing your own insecurities and confronting them in the moment, being able to calm yourself down without demanding somebody else change in order for you to be comforted. Being able to calm yourself so that you confront situations that are uncomfortable and you don't avoid them. So it is in this space that we manage our own emotions. We don't expect others to do it for us. We have the ability to identify our emotion, meaning we give it a name and we identify where it is in our body and how it feels. We allow the emotion rather than resisting it. We process the emotion, which means that we sit with it until it subsides. And we get information from the emotion, meaning we ask ourselves what thoughts are creating the emotion. We learn more about what is happening for us in creating this emotion. What information is this emotion trying to teach me? 

20:25 

So the third one: grounded responding. Okay, this is staying non-reactive and also engaged. So, having self-mastery and recognizing that you are in charge of how you respond and act, no matter what the circumstances are. Being able to respond calmly, even if you were wronged or even if the other person meant to be offensive. Being proactive in resolving issues and not waiting for other people to take the first step. Not needing to disengage to resolve an issue. Recognizing the importance of the person to you, even when you're in the middle of an argument. This means that we stay in our lane emotionally. Your partner can be upset or anxious or frustrated without you having to pick up and feel the same emotion. You give them the safe space to feel what they're feeling and you respond in loving and supportive ways without getting in their lane and trying to fix it, without taking on their emotions, and without running away and avoiding them. 

21:34 

And the fourth one is meaningful endurance. So this is confronting yourself and tolerating discomfort so that you can grow. You're not avoiding or denying your part in the problem, but rather you're looking inward for the source of the problem rather than outward. You are being honest with yourself and with others while actively seeking to change and being comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. You are recognizing discomfort is necessary for a positive change and not avoiding something like a hard conversation or a choice, even when it will result in pain for you or yourself. So in this area, we are able to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth in order to obtain something of value that aligns with our values. We endure or we stick with it because we know that in the end, it will be worth it. 

22:30 

Okay, so these four points of balance in seeing them as being parts of ourselves. sense of self, they are helpful to show us our minds and how we are thinking and processing. So they help us to see where we have some personal work to do in order to strengthen our own sense of self. Okay, probably as we went through that, you were like, "Oh, I'm good at that. Oh, not so good at that. Oh, I really struggled with that one. Oh, I'm great at that one," right? You were able to notice things. So in the areas that we need strengthening, how do we get there? If you notice areas of weakness in what we've talked about, what is the path forward? So I'm going to talk about six things here. 

23:07 

First, take responsibility for and notice that it's all you. There isn't anything in what Shnarsh talks about that anybody else can come in and clean up for you. All of it is going on in your head and it's all yours to be taken care of in your head. So, please look at yourself here with a lot of compassion and curiosity when you're doing the work here. You are a human. You were born to have weaknesses and make mistakes. And depending on how and where and with whom we grew up, we might have a boatload of work to do in the area of sense of self. 

23:48 

And guess what? It's okay. Nothing has gone wrong. It's all just part of your journey. It's part of what's going to teach you what you need to learn to grow and progress. Everything is going according to plan. You're right on track. Be kind to yourself along the way. I don't think we can ever have enough self-compassion. And curiosity is also a key component when we first start this work. Your emotions and your reactions are all just information. Rather than beating yourself up for them, get curious about them. What thought is creating the fear? Where does that thought of worthlessness come from? What about that thought makes it the easier path for you? When we can get curious and be compassionate without judgment, our brain will know it's safe to explore and learn new things about ourselves. 

24:47 

Second, you have to start creating greater awareness around your thoughts. This might entail actually sitting down and writing it out, getting your unfiltered thoughts out of your head and onto the paper so you can really see them. We call that a thought download. Or maybe it will just require more conscious awareness because you are already onto your thoughts. Depending on where you are may depend on how thorough you need to get here. But really start paying attention to what you are thinking and how often. At first, I just want you to notice with fascination. "Huh, that's the third time today that I've noticed that thought; interesting that it keeps coming up." If we don't hear the destructive thoughts in our brain, we can't make adjustments. So start listening. Start noticing. One way to continue to create more awareness is to continue to learn and understand the concepts behind what a healthy sense of self needs. So listen to a podcast a day about healthier thoughts and behaviors. Read books, talk with friends, get a coach, engage regularly with yourself and your understanding and growth. Give your brain the information it needs to figure things out. Okay? So pay attention to your brain. Listen to yourself think. Most of the thoughts you don't even know are going on in there. And they are thoughts that are taking you into an unhealthy sense of self. Okay? 

26:26 

So third. Your primitive brain will start to problem solve. That's part of what your brain is created to do. So just by noticing, just by doing step number two, you will be giving your brain a problem to solve. When you hear a thought that doesn't support a solid sense of self, you can remind yourself, "ooh, that's not okay. I don't want to talk to myself that way anymore". Now, only you can know what's going on in your head and learn how to direct it. This is why it's all about you. If your brain wants to beat you down, you get to direct it. It might need a little gentle nudge like, "nope, we're moving away from that thinking." I know I can figure this out. Or you may feel that you need to be a little bit more direct with your brain. "Nope, absolutely not. I am done with being mean to myself. I will no longer allow that type of self-abuse." So only you know  what is going on in your head and only you know what is needed to create a shift. 

27:29 

Now, if we do this second one a little bit more direct, we never do it in a beating up space or a creating shame space, right? We can be direct without being mean to ourselves, okay? Because whatever we do, we do it with compassion and not an ounce of shaming. Shame will never create space for growth. It will only keep you stuck. That's the compassion piece, right? So give your brain a problem to solve and let it do its work. And along with this, I want you to question everything. Remember that your brain lies to you a lot. So much of what you think just isn't true. And this sense of self work is a perfect example. As soon as your brain says something like, "I'm just so stupid," or "I can't figure this out," or "this is too much for me," or "I'm worthless," remind yourself that it's just not true. Question it. "Is that a true thought? Am I really stupid? Can I really not figure this out? Am I really worthless?" Question all these thoughts because none of those thoughts are true. You are a person of worth who was born with the resources to figure things out. Believing that is a huge part of a solid sense of self. So redirect your thoughts. Bring yourself back into a healthier place. 

28:56 

Fourth, get to know yourself and choose to love yourself. So what are your likes? What are your dislikes? What are your core values? What are your dreams and your desires? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What successes and failures have defined you? What is unique about your personality? What ideas and causes are you passionate about? And then choose to love all of this. Love absolutely is a choice. It's not something that just happens. We choose it. You may have a lot of practice hating on yourself. But that just comes from thoughts and pattern behavior. And you can change that. Intentionally choose to love who you are, how you are, and why you are. You get to create any story in your head that you want. Why would you choose hating yourself? 

30:02 

Also explore what happiness and success and fulfillment mean to you. The world feeds us a lot of baloney about what will make us happy in life. And it's just so destructive because most of it is adjusting who and how we are so that we can be more acceptable to others. And this just perpetuates a struggling sense of self. Companies are making boatloads of money by stripping us of our solid sense of self. And it is time to push back against the marketing narrative that we aren't enough just as we are. Really knowing yourself and supporting yourself and loving yourself, all flawed and beautiful. That's an amazing sense of self. And that's what we're going here for. Or going for here. There we go. 

30:54 

Fifth, get really great at boundaries. When you know and understand yourself better, like we just talked about in step four, you will also be much more clear on what is okay and what is not okay. And when you start to set clear boundaries, doing it from a place of love for yourself and for the people you engage with, your self-respect will increase. Boundaries keep you in integrity with who you are. And every time we lovingly set a boundary, we love and respect ourselves more. It moves us towards a more solid sense of self. 

31:38 

Okay, and sixth, just be doggedly persistent. Very likely your brain has some pretty entrenched patterns of thinking and acting. Just keep calling yourself out on them compassionately and kindly and with curiosity. The thing that can feel so tricky here is that so many of your thoughts that you think that are destructive, they seem so true. Either you have been telling them to yourself for so many years that you don't even notice that they're there anymore, or your brain has gathered so much evidence over the years to support those thoughts. But your brain can gather just as much evidence for the other side of thinking. If you consistently call yourself stupid, your brain will have gathered a lot of evidence as proof that you are stupid. But if you challenge the thought and ask your brain to find evidence to the contrary, it will be able to find ways that you aren't stupid. In fact, it will be able to find ways that you are actually very smart. 

32:48 

But here's the truth: we all make stupid choices sometimes, but that doesn't mean we're stupid. It means we are human. So you can put any word in there instead of "stupid," right? You can say "careless," "clumsy," whatever, right? That does not define us, okay? We're just humans. Humans do clumsy things, right? We have to reframe the whole scenario in our brain. The goal here isn't to make up and believe lies. It's to look at ourselves from a different perspective, to see what we've previously been unwilling or unable to see. Your brain believes it will be way, way more comfortable to stay where you are in a place with a struggling sense of self. But we're not looking for comfort here. We're looking for a beautiful, satisfying, engaging life. We're looking for deep, intimate, emotionally connected relationships. Your primitive brain will go for familiar  any day of the week over something that will push you in the direction of growth. 

34:00 

But comfort doesn't change you. Comfort doesn't create the amazingness you want in your life. We have to get out of the comfort zone and into the courage zone. It takes courage to consider and enact change. It takes courage to believe there is something more amazing out there. It takes courage to believe there is something more amazing out there. to step into this work and it is work with a capital W, capital O, capital R, capital K, but I promise you it is work worth doing. This work is all in your head and because of that you have 100% control over whether it gets done and this is the part of growing up that makes life amazing and that creates the future that we really want to have. Let's get to work shall we? 

35:04 

Okay, next week we're going to be taking a look at our sense of self and dating and the week after that we're going to be taking a look at our sense of self and relationships like marriage, and then the week after that we're going to be talking about our sense of self and parenting. You're not going to want to miss these. We've set a really good foundation last week and this week with understanding better our sense of self, why it's so important, how it plays into what's going on, and how to start to strengthen it a little bit more. Make sure that you are here the next few weeks. Thanks for joining me. Hope this was helpful. Let's move on and do something great this week. Watch yourself. Pay attention. Listen to your thoughts. You've got this, my friend. I'll talk to you next week. Bye. 

35:54 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.