00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 330, "Stuck to Your Ex." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. Just super glad to have you here today. Just really quick, if you are interested in a class over the holidays, I'm going to be doing a six week class. I don't know if I really have a title for it yet, but something about "your holiday survival guide" or something like that. Something about the holidays. How do we stop doing all the overs? The overreacting, the overeating, the overplanning, the over all this kind of stuff. How do we stop doing that? And how do we walk out of the holidays this year with better relationships? How do we make sure that we have a better relationship with ourselves and with the people in our lives that matter the most? How do we stay focused on the things that we really want to stay focused on? It's going to be really great. Classes are going to start on November 18th for six weeks. That means that we go until a week or two before Christmas. Mondays. I'm going to have two classes. I'm going to have an afternoon class available and an evening class available. We will cover the same content, although depending on who is in each class is going to depend a lot on the discussions that happen. So, it should be great and I would love to have you join me for that. I'm not exactly sure if the week that this comes out or if those will be up on my website, but if they're not, they should be out in the week after that. 

01:51 

So, if you are not getting my email, this is a great time to do it. You can just go to tanyahale.com and I now have a pop up. What? I have a pop up there that you can just, it'll pop up and say "hey, do you want to get the 'weekend win'?" and you can put your name and your email in there and then you'll be the first one to know when classes like this come out. Just a little FYI, I am planning to do a few more classes starting in the new year and I'm excited for those to play out as well. I think those are going to be great classes and I guess that's about it. 

02:29 

Let's jump in for today. Today we are talking about being stuck to your ex. Now, you may not be divorced so you may not have a former spouse but I want you to listen up anyway because you will see some of these same patterns in your marriage relationship or other relationships in your life that may have a tough past. So here's a difficult part about getting divorced, and that is letting go of the story of your former spouse. And the reason that letting go of this story can be so tough is that it absolutely feels like the story is true. And guess what? It absolutely might be true. But holding on to that story is keeping you stuck. It's keeping you stuck to your ex, keeping you from moving on. You might even be remarried. But if you're still holding on to this story about your ex, it is keeping you from moving on into a better relationship. 

03:31 

So this is how this concept can apply to you even if you haven't been divorced. You will also have a story about your spouse or your children or whoever and their past behavior. Or you might even have a present story and how it is impacting you. And this is a chance today to rework that story into something that is going to be more helpful for you. So the context of this is talking about your ex, but even if you're not divorced, there's going to be some good stuff here. 

04:04 

So every divorce, and heck, let me just even say every marriage, has a big backstory behind it. There is pain. There is betrayal of large and small acts both before and after the divorce. There are so many times when you feel you are not respected or considered. There are times when you felt you were taken advantage of and treated badly. There will be times when you felt you were walked all over and you may still feel as though your ex is taking advantage of and walking all over you and treating you badly. And this story holds a lot of power over you. This story is what keeps us stuck and prevents us from moving into something more beautiful and into something more powerful. Or we can instead choose to create a story  that will move us forward and help us to feel empowered. 

04:57 

So here's how it works. We've talked about the victim mentality here before. When we have a story about our past or our present that makes us a victim, we become stuck. I know a lot of us get a little bit bristly when we're told that we're being a victim, but let's take a look at it what it is and how it traps us. When we're in victim mode, part of our story is that someone else is doing something to us that is hindering us or that is holding us down. We feel as though we can't actually do what we want to do until they stop doing that behavior. And here's what's so tricky about it. The other person actually might be doing the exact thing we are accusing them of doing. What puts us in victim mode is not that the other person is doing something, but how we're thinking about and processing what they're doing and how it impacts us. 

05:55 

For example, let's say that since your divorce, your ex-husband has talked really bad about you to your kids, and they are starting to distance themselves from you. Now, this absolutely may be happening. Victim mode figuratively goes and hides in the corner and cries and says, "Oh, this is so horrible. He's turning the kids against me. He's so horrible. I'm going to be left all alone with no one to love me." Okay, again, maybe it's true. Maybe he is turning the kids against you. When we're in victim thinking, all we can see is the other person's behavior and how it is impacting us and how they have to change in order for our situation to change and us to feel better. 

06:43 

So in this scenario, the ex-husband has to stop telling the kids how horrible you are before you can feel better. And that makes sense because if he would stop doing that, then it probably would be better for us. But the reason that this is such a sketch plan is because you don't have any control at all over the ex-husband's behavior or your children's reaction to it. And this is when we start feeling disempowered and victimish-y. We get hung up on the problem, which is what our ex is telling the kids and their response to it. There is nothing here that we can control or influence. We feel helpless and we become the victim of his behavior. 

07:27 

Okay, let me give you another example. Let's say that before your divorce, your spouse accumulated a lot of debt that you didn't know about. And in the divorce decree, you ended up having to pay more than what you feel is your fair share of this debt. Because let's be real, you don't feel you should have been expected to pay any of his debt. But here you are, post divorce, having a big chunk of your income going every month to pay for debts that he racked up. It seems so unfair and every month you pay the bill and you get all worked up about how irresponsible he was and how it's just not right that you should have to pay for his irresponsible spending. 

08:11 

You are angry and resentful and those feelings bleed into your actions in the form of telling other people about how horrible he is, whining to your kids about what you're having to pay because of his behavior, telling them how their dad is so irresponsible and selfish that he didn't own up and he expects you to pay for this. You might even post one of those cryptic/not so cryptic social media posts about how unfair the divorce system is and how you shouldn't have to be cleaning up your ex's mess. And you're miserable for a few days every month when that bill is paid. You fume all over again about how wrong it is that you are in this financial mess. Rinse and repeat every month. This will all seem perfectly clear to you, and you will for sure feel justified in your thoughts and your feelings and your actions. And guess what? Maybe you are justified, but you are still in a self-imposed victim mode because you are replaying the situation over and over and feeling yourself disempowered because of the divorce decree, blaming the courts, and blaming your ex for your predicament. 

09:27 

And here's the thing: I'm not even saying that it is fair that you're having to pay all that money. You may be 100% right about it not being fair. The point we want to understand here is that regardless of whether it's fair or not, it is what it is. And fuming and ruminating and venting about it may feel really good in the moment, but it makes you a victim and creates ultimately you feeling disempowered. Remember, the victim's focus is on the problem and how someone else created that problem and how they have to change before we can feel better. And we have zero control over whether they change. 

10:14 

So what's our option? How do we get out of victim mentality, especially when we believe the facts of our story that are true? Well, the situation is the same. We can't change it. But what we can change is how we think about it. And I know some of you are starting to get a little hot under the collar and saying, "but it's not fair. How can they get away with this? I shouldn't have to pick up all the slack." And I'm not saying that that's not true either. I'm just reminding you that the facts are what the facts are, and to get out of victim mentality we have to step into the reality of what's going on. The reality is we do have to pay this bill or suffer the consequences. Or the reality is that our ex-spouse is telling the kids what he wants to and they're responding how they best see fit. We can't change that. We can't control that. And getting hung up on it is creating misery for us. Getting to the place where we move out of the problem is where we can start moving out of victim mode. We can't change the circumstances so we have to change our thinking about the circumstance. 

11:30 

So let's look again at the first example. Fact: your previous spouse gets to say whatever he wants to, he's an adult. Fact: you don't get to monitor what he says to anybody. Fact: your children get to think for themselves regarding what is being said about him and even about how you're responding. So let's focus on seeing the facts and accepting them for what they are. We can't change them. We don't get to control any of that. When we think that we can, that's when we start spinning in the resentment and the anger and the frustration and the angst. We have to figure out how to let go of what we can't control. 

12:12 

What do we have control over? Just you. Only how you are showing up and telling yourself the story that it isn't fair, just isn't helpful. Maybe it's true, maybe the facts are true, but they're still not helpful. We can tell it's not helpful because when we feel the resentment, the anger, the frustration and angst, the actions that are created from that are passive aggressive, maybe even straightforward aggression. We are talking badly about our ex-spouse. We're trying to win the kids back to your side with doing the same thing that he is doing. All behaviors that most likely are not the better version of you that you are trying to be and become. 

13:06 

So, we get to start changing our story. We move it from, "this isn't fair, he's a horrible person, my kids are going to leave me, he's the reason my life is horrible," to something that is not so charged. We get to start thinking different thoughts than those thoughts that we just talked about. But here's the other place we sometimes get stuck. We think we have to go to the other end of the line, and that we don't even come close to believing. 

13:38 

For example, if you were to say, "oh he's a wonderful father and I love that my children are getting to experience the life growing challenge of life." It's important that we come up with a thought that we believe is true and that also empowers us to move out of victim mode. Something like, "this has got to be really tough on the kids. I want to figure out a way to help them feel better supported when they're with me." Now, does that change the fact that the ex is saying things and telling the kid stuff that he's doing what he's doing? No. It's not supposed to change that. Remember, we can't change him or what he's doing. What we can change is our response to it. So when you think, "this has got to be really tough on the kids. I want to figure out a way to help them feel better supported when they're with me," what emotion does that create for you? Most likely, it's going to move you out of the anger and the angst and the frustration and irritation, right? 

14:56 

For me, that thought moves me in the direction of feeling compassion for my children. Decisiveness in doubling down on having supportive and loving experiences with them. It moves me into problem-solving mode rather than keeping me stuck in "it's a problem I can't fix" mode. To move ourselves out of victim mentality, we have to move into solution mode. We have to start looking at it as a problem to be solved rather than a trial to be endured. Being buried under thoughts of "this is so hard and I can't do anything about it" is exhausting and keeps us stuck to our ex because he is the one performing the behaviors. And he's not going to change. So we get to. Solution mode says: "what can I do? What's the best way to move forward? How can I show up better for my kids or for me than I have? And do you feel the power shift in just those few questions?" 

16:02 

That's what we're talking about here. This is what gets us unstuck from our ex, learning to let him do his thing while we do ours. Admittedly, it takes concerted effort and energy, but I promise it is so worth it. Living in victim mentality is exhausting and it just never ends and we feel so powerless. Living in hero mentality, the place where we figure out solutions, takes more energy up front, for sure, but also creates more energy on the back end than it expended on the front. It fills us with courage and determination and confidence well-being. It helps us feel in control of ourselves and our lives. 

16:51 

Now, it might not change anyone else in this equation. Your ex may still speak badly about you to your kids, and they may still be buying into his story. Okay, we may not love it. It may be crap, but we also can't change it. Learning to change your story and your focus is where your learning curve is and where you will find your own power and possibility and growth. And nobody else needs to change for this transformation to occur. 

17:24 

So let's look at the second example that I gave you. You are paying off bills that your ex accumulated while you were married. Crappy situation? Of course. And yet, it is what it is. For now, we can't change it. But what can we change? We can change our story about it. We can change our thoughts. Now again, we don't have to love the situation. We don't have to write that check out every month, and then down in the "what's this for" line of the check, put little hearts and say, "I love this, I'm so grateful to be paying this money," right? We don't have to do that. Now I know that checks are pretty old school, but I kind of like the visual of that, right? So again, when we're thinking, "this isn't fair, I can't believe that blinkety-blink shackled me with this. I'm never going to get out from under him. My life would be so much better without this constantly hanging over my head. I wish I'd never met him," kind of thinking. We stay in misery. 

18:21 

Now, once again, true statements, very likely. We're not here to dispute the truth of those kinds of statements. Most importantly, we get to ask, "are these helpful statements?" No, they're not. And how do we know? By the emotions they create and the actions that come about as a result of those emotions, those statements create emotions such as defeated, taken advantage of, angry, put upon, buried, unseen, unhurt. And from these emotions, what kind of behaviors ensue? Fuming, slamming doors, soaking, making a catastrophe of other things that happen, shutting down, eating a tub of ice cream, venting to anyone or anything, nasty Facebook posts, et cetera, et cetera, right? What's the end result of these kinds of behaviors? We shackle ourselves with thoughts and our anger. We bury ourselves under resentment. We stay stuck to our ex in unhealthy ways that makes our lives better. 

19:45 

I'm not saying that for some of us writing a check like that wouldn't be a huge hardship and really put us in a financial bind. I'm not even saying that it's not fair or that we don't have reason to be annoyed and angry. What I am saying is that the story we're telling ourselves about how we're such a victim to the circumstance is keeping us from problem solving and power. It is keeping us from moving forward into some place that is healthier and that feels better. 

20:22 

So we have to think something different. And again, these have to be true thoughts, thoughts that are problem solving thoughts rather than "dig your hole deeper because I'm a victim" thoughts. How about something like "when this is paid off, I'm going to use this money to take myself on a celebratory trip." Or we might even want to acknowledge the anger, while also acknowledging that it is our current situation. "Oh, this makes me so angry, and that's okay. I'm just going to get this taken care of, and then I can move forward." We don't have to love that we pay the money, or even like that we pay it. But fighting against the reality that we are choosing to pay it instead of deal with the unwanted circumstances of not paying it is the key to getting unstuck. A thought like that will still allow us to feel some difficult emotion, while still acknowledging our choice in the situation with more neutrality. 

21:26 

Again, we don't have to love it, we just have to get out of the misery of it. It gets us out of the victim mentality that this is all being thrust upon me against my will, and my whole life is being ruined because of it, and I'm shackled with all of this debt. It changes us from that into becoming the hero of our story, the person who moves into solution mode and creates a way forward. A victim is identified by their helplessness, by their perceived weakness that doesn't allow them to do anything to change the situation, that keeps them stuck in this miserable place until someone comes to rescue them. A hero, by contrast, is identified by their ingenuity, by their forward-thinking solutions, by stepping into internal strength and power and intelligence that allows them to find a way out of the miserable place. 

22:23 

The situation doesn't have to change, just you do, in order to move from victim to hero. When we are stuck in victim mentality, we are stuck to our own ex. They continue to be a main character in our story, someone who calls all the shots, someone who impacts every aspect of our lives. When we move our ex out of the main character role and into a minor  background character and we move us into the main character, then we can start creating the type of story we want to live in. We get to call the shots on how we respond to every situation, both the easy ones and the difficult ones. A small background character in a story doesn't move the plot forward, they just fill a space for the sake of filling space. That's where we want our ex. The main character, well, that's where the action is in the story. Choose to be the main character of your own story. Choose to be the person who makes things move the direction you want them to move. You may not be able to control the situations and circumstances that come into your life, but you absolutely get to choose how the main character of your story is responding to those situations. 

23:45 

And this is going to entail that you stop talking about your ex at all in the context of your story. You don't say, "well, he did this and so I'm struggling with this." We just leave that part out, we just say...instead we say that "I have this bill every month and this is how I'm managing it. Has it been a challenge? Yeah it has and I'm so proud that I'm handling it like a boss." We get to be the main character of our story. We get to be the hero. Move your mind into solution mode, into a place that takes charge of your path and takes charge of what you're creating. There are a lot of tough situations out there that can make this difficult. I know that. I get that. But when we choose to intentionally manage our minds and approach these situations with fortitude, confidence, determination, and vision, we dramatically decrease the pain and annoyance and anger and we visibly increase our sense of self and our sense of empowerment. We unshackle ourselves from our ex and we stand up and move in the direction of our choosing. We don't stay stuck to a person or an idea or a story that makes us miserable. Rather we create the life we want by finding the solutions that move us forward. 

25:18 

And learning to do this is a brilliant, brilliant part of learning to grow up. And so sometimes these tough situations like divorce give us the best opportunities to grow up. Don't resist it, my friends. Step into the learning. Figure out how to let go. I promise it feels so much better. So much better than being the victim. 

25:51 

Okay, here's the deal. Let's talk coaching. I love coaching and I know that what I do can help move you into a place of peace. It can help move you into better relationships. If you are married, this concept applies to you as well. I talked about it in the context of divorce, but many of us in marriages, and I know because I work with some of you, are in situations where we hold on to stuff from the past. We hold on to stuff that our spouse is doing. Then it's not helping us. It's keeping us stuck in victim mentality as well. and Oftentimes we don't even see it and this is the benefit of working with a coach. I can help you see what you don't see and I can teach you how to move past it. I can teach you to implement these skills of moving out of victim mode and moving into hero mode like we've talked about. I can help you feel empowered. This is what I do and I'm good at it and I can help you. 

27:02 

So you can go to my website tanyahale.com, click on the "free consultation" tab at the top and you can sign up on my calendar for a time that we can sit down and chat. It's 90 minutes, not 90 minutes to scare you, but 90 minutes to really dig deep into where you're at, to really help give you some coaching and give you an idea of what coaching is like and then also to talk with you about coaching with me and what that would look like. And so that you can have the decision, the information, the data that you need to make it a good decision. And if you decide that I'm not a good fit for you, that's fine too. In the meantime, you will have gotten some great tools to help you move forward and move out of victim mentality a little bit. This is great, great stuff. I promise you I would not be where I am in my life, which is a pretty darn good place without coaching. I would not be here. I would not have seen my stuff. I would not have understood, at least not at the pace that I have been able to move into this. 

28:14 

And that's another benefit of working with a coach: you can pick up on this stuff a little piece at a time for sure, but working with a coach accelerates your process. I have one client that had listened to all of my podcasts. I think she'd been listening for a year, a year and a half. In fact, she'd listened to many of my podcasts more than once. Took notes. Everything. She was just a big Tanya fan. And she finally got together the money and we worked together for 12 weeks and she was like, "this was life changing." It helped her see and understand things that she had not seen and understood before. That's what coaching has to offer you. 

28:53 

So if one of my classes works well for you, if this holiday class works well, even just diving into something about the holidays, when is your relationship that's struggling, we're still going to be talking about important concepts that are going to make a difference. So consider one of the classes. If you feel like one-on-one coaching is a little too intimidating or you don't want to invest that much money yet, think about a class. The classes are a great, great in-between option. And sometimes they're a great final option for you. Maybe you'll get exactly what you need. Either way, check it out. All right, my friends, that's going to do it for me today. I hope you have an amazing work week. Workweek. I meant to say "week," but here we go. "Workweek" maybe is appropriate for you. I just hope you have a great week and I will see you next time. Bye. 

29:40 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!