00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 328, "Divorce Indecision." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Just glad to have you. I want to give you, first of all, just a quick reminder. If you are interested in some of the upcoming group coaching classes that I have, you're going to want to get on my mailing list, which means you need to go to tanyahale.com, go to the "contact me" button, scroll down just a little bit, and you will find a place where you can sign up for the "weekend win." And I'm going to have some holiday class coming up and I'm going to have some classes at the New Year's coming up. So you're not going to want to miss these. As well as over the holidays, I send out an end of year review that is just so great and I use it every year and it really just kind of helps reset me and help me get refocused and help me take a great look at my year and it makes it very clear for me where I'm going. So you're not going to want to miss out on those. So go ahead and go to my website and get signed up for my "weekend win" and you won't miss out on any of the great stuff that's coming up. 

01:27 

Alright, today we are talking about divorce indecision. We're going to talk about making decisions in the context of the divorce decision today, but the concepts we're going to be talking about are going to apply to all decisions that we need to make, not just divorce. But this is what I'm going to use for the context. So generally, and overall, making decisions can really be tough sometimes. And why is that? Why is it that some decisions are just so difficult? Why do we seem to spin and spin and struggle to commit? One reason I believe is that every path we choose cuts off another path. Every decision has both the win and the loss, and when we're not completely committed to the win then the loss can seem to loom over our heads quite large. 

02:17 

So here's an easy example. Let's say you go to a nice restaurant and you have narrowed your dinner choices down to two of your favorites: steak and salmon. Now, one way around making a hard decision is to order both. Most of us don't want to do that, right? Another way around then would be to find another person in the group who is in the exact same dilemma with the exact same meal choices and choose to split it up. So you get one they get the other and then you each get half. But if there isn't anybody to split with, you have to choose. And for every delicious bite of steak you are not eating a delicious bite of salmon and that's the win-loss. The win is the bite of steak. The loss is the bite of salmon. 

03:02 

And so we are constantly closing doors to amazing opportunities, to possibilities that we will never live. Every decision closes doors. And so for example, when you chose to marry your spouse, you were simultaneously choosing not to marry other options that would come up in the future or to stay single and experience what that had to offer. When you chose to major in one subject at university, you chose to turn your back on another career path. When you chose to take one job, you were also choosing not to take another. When you chose to stop having children at two or three, you chose not to have three or four children in your family. Every decision we intentionally make is also an intentional decision not to have or do something else. And FOMO, or the fear of missing out, is real. We absolutely are missing out on something every time we make a decision. 

04:10 

Some people are able to make a decision and never look back. Others seem to make a decision and then walk into it backwards, always thinking that they will be able to see what would happen if they chose differently. They're always like looking over their shoulder, like trying to see the other decision option, but we can't really see the other option. And that's what we sometimes call regret. We constantly have our eye on what we didn't choose, thinking it may have turned out  better. But the reality is we never really know because the other decision never plays out in real life. We may play it out in our mind and we may think, "Oh, this person would have been better to marry. We would have had this life and he would have treated me like this and this would have happened," but we have no idea. We just make that up in our mind. We just don't know. Since we have no idea how things would turn out if we make a different decision, we often end up living a half life with the decision that we have made, never fully all-in, never able to really engage and reap the benefits that come with commitment. 

05:30 

Another reason why I believe decisions can be so difficult is because we often think that there is no going back and we make ourselves victims of our decisions. For example, we may feel completely stuck in the decision to have children because now they require constant care. We have to stop going on so many trips. We don't get as much alone time as we would like. We are consistently at the beck and call of these little people. And we think, "I can't leave them. Now I'm stuck." And though that seems true, the reality is you could leave them. Lots of people do. But you may not like the options or the consequences of the choice to leave them. But let's be real, you could. You could pack up the car and drive away today. Okay, so we can, it's not like I would suggest that obviously, right? But I want you to just be real. We can always change our choice and take a different path. 

06:33 

Come to find out, we can create a fork in any path we're on at any time. We can leave the marriage, quit the job, stop volunteering at that place, go to a different gym, cook a different dinner. Some decisions have more long lasting effects and others impact more people. But we always have a choice. Part of feeling stuck is believing that we are stuck. But when we really look at the options and the consequences, we often find that we do want to choose what we've already chosen. We do want to stay and care for our children. We don't, in fact, want to abandon them and go off on our own, even though some days are really, really tough. And often we think this with marriage as well. I know that when I was in my previous marriage for the first 20 years, I honestly believed that divorce was not an option. I didn't get married to get divorced. I was all in. Marriage was 100 hundred. You know all those little phrases, right? 

07:36 

So let me clarify. I was all in with staying, but I was not all in emotionally. I fantasized a lot about getting divorced, although I never seriously considered it for a long time. I felt stuck. I felt that, "listen, I made my bed, now I got to sleep in it." I really didn't see that I had options beyond staying, when in fact I did. Divorce was always an option for me. I just didn't like the consequences of getting divorced. I really didn't like the impact it would have on my kids, and I didn't like the potential financial fallout that I would experience. I didn't like the social stigma of being divorced, the "failure," the "weak" persona, the "quitter," the "damaged goods" labels that I would receive. I felt that being divorced would make me less-than, and even more undesirable than I currently felt I was in my dysfunctional marriage. 

08:49 

A third reason why making a decision can be so hard is because we can often feel that there is so much morality attached to the decision. I'm good or I'm bad for this decision, I'm righteous or I'm unrighteous, I'm moral or immoral, I'm selfish or selfless. We hang a lot of God's judgment on whether a decision we make is the right one or not, when in all reality there isn't often a right or wrong decision. Part of the moral responsibility of agency is having to choose, to make a decision that we don't know the outcome of, and our moral development is often contingent on our choosing, on making a decision and then being all in. We don't often have a right decision, but we can make the decision right by facing forward and giving this new decision our all. 

09:50 

And a fourth reason decision making can be so difficult is because sometimes it doesn't just affect us. In the case of divorce, the decision impacts our children, all of the siblings and parents on both sides, people in our neighborhood and our church congregation. The effects of divorce feel like they ripple out far and wide, and in some cases they do. And we just don't want to get it wrong. We don't want to mess up our kids for the rest of their lives. We put the weight of the world on our decision, thinking at some level that the world will shift on its axis if we make the wrong decision, when in reality it won't. People, our children included, are resilient. We all have this amazing way of figuring things out and rising to the occasion. That's not to say that it will be easy for everyone, but our decision often just becomes part of someone else's journey, a place where they now get to learn how to pivot and shift and reevaluate and grow into someone and something that they weren't before. 

10:58 

So because of these types of difficulties, we often stand at that fork in the road and think and contemplate and reconsider over and over and over because we sometimes think that we just don't have that one last piece of information that will let us know for sure what the right decision is. That pillar of light or that dream that wakes us up in the middle of the night or a visit from our grandma who passed on. All the while we stand there at the fork thinking we are in control when, in reality, we are not in control at all. We are allowing the circumstances to control us when we choose not to choose. Ultimately, we need to understand that indecision makes us miserable. We want the security of knowing the future outcome of our choices, but we can't ever have that. And holding onto the fantasy that we will somehow know the future keeps us standing at the fork in the road, stagnating, spinning in the same thing over and over, and our happiness slips away. Real happiness in life isn't so much circumstance, as it is movement and growth. When we are learning and progressing, we feel a purpose in our lives and we feel empowered by our lives. And when we choose to be all in with what we're doing, with the decisions we make, we feel an energy and a power to create a life that feels engaging and exciting. 

12:34 

Now, if we are actively gathering info that will impact our decision, then gather. But many of us struggle to decide because we think there might just be one piece of information that will tip the scales and help us see the future. And so we stand at the fork in the road, we don't choose, and we get stale. We spin, we stagnate, we struggle, and we choose not to choose. Part of what gives life meaning is choosing to be all in on our decision. This all-in decision pushes us to create the lives we want, but to be all-in, we have to tolerate the unknown of either decision. Whether we choose "yes" or "no," there will be unknowns. To make the decision, we have to knowingly choose the unknown. We have to intentionally make a decision, and then make it the right decision by our next choices. And those choices will all entail looking forward, not backwards over our shoulders, second-guessing the decision we made. Choosing forces us to live in the present, to move forward and to live in reality. 

13:50 

And this is the challenge that agency provides us. Do I live in the present of the decision I made and learn and grow from this path? Or do I live in the past, afraid of risk, full of fear and regret for the unknown? When we are standing at the crossroads with a decision before us, constantly considering the possibility of one thing and then another, a step forward and then step back, another step forward and then moving back. This place feels miserable. Limbo is not fun. And many of us do this in our marriages. We are in a marriage, but we are holding back from being all in. We never really choose the marriage because of the fear of what we might be missing out on outside of the marriage. We never really choose the marriage because of the fear of being fully known, of being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to be seen and known and possibly hurt. Well, let's say for sure hurt because that's part of humans dealing with humans, right? Especially in the intimacy of a place like marriage, of course, we're going to be hurt. So though we may have chosen the marriage, we are not choosing the marriage because we are not showing up. We're not choosing our spouse because we want options that don't require us to risk, options that don't require loss or uncertainty. We want assurance that we will never feel pain or frustration or rejection in the decision that we make. 

15:19 

And yet even the best of decisions come with pain and frustration and rejection. Because those are a byproduct of living, not a byproduct of a bad decision. So some of us move into these marriages choosing to get married, but always keeping an eye on the other options we had. Always wondering what would have happened if? Always considering how life would be easier or happier and never fully committing to what we have because we are frequently second-guessing our decision. If I could go back to 1991 when I made the decision to marry my first husband, I could have chosen not to. But I have no idea whether the life I would have created would be better or worse. In all reality, it would have been better in some ways and it would have been worse in other ways. Both paths would have brought pain and frustration and rejection because those are a part of life. Both paths would have brought joy and excitement and happiness because those are a part of life as well. I think the biggest struggle in life isn't the decision, but being committed to the decision once it's been made, taking full responsibility for what I have chosen and giving it my all. Because a decision can be made in a split second when needed. It's the being all-in afterwards that often trips many of us up. 

16:49 

So when it comes to divorce, we may feel we have given it our all, and we may feel as though the relationship is complete, that for whatever reason it has run its course. So we may feel very peaceful about that, and yet still feel as though we don't know what decision to make. And we may be standing there at the fork in the road for a long time, contemplating and  waffling and choosing and unchosing, because the morality of this decision is so complex. It can feel as though so much is riding on our decision. And with divorce, I do believe there is a lot riding on it, and there is no one-size-fits-all decision. What we get to decide is what path can I fully step into, be all in, and not keep looking back over my shoulders? What decision can I tolerate the discomfort of having made? Because either staying or going is going to be a tough decision. When the decision is made to either stay or go, we want to be able to make it and move forward, to not keep second-guessing. 

18:03 

And the choice is often between these two things: can I stay in the marriage and give it my all, or can I leave the marriage and not keep second-guessing? Now, giving it your all may not be what you initially imagined. What it does not mean is that we continue in misery, that we shrink back into the corner and submit ourselves to unkindness or to being dismissed or constantly under attack. Giving it your all means, instead, that you step into healthier behaviors, you step into equality, you set clear and healthy boundaries, put your wants and needs on the table, show up as the hero of your own story rather than the victim of your spouse's behaviors. And all of this is done with kindness and compassion and with a lot of self-love. Really choosing your relationship is not choosing the same stuff that has you considering divorce in the first place. It has you choosing new patterns of behavior and thinking that have the potential to create something healthier and full of positive potential. 

19:14 

This doesn't mean there won't be challenges along the way, of course there will be. But you can choose to clean up your love, to love your spouse in their flawed state, to really offer grace for their humanity, and to incorporate tools that will impact your communication and your connection. And if you've already done this and your partner is not showing up as an equal partner, maybe that's the data you need to make a different decision. The challenge is that many people choose to stay for the children or for the finances or for the convenience of not having to go through the divorce process, but they resent their decision and their spouse at every turn. They see themselves as a victim, as someone who is at the mercy of a miserable spouse, and they wallow in self-pity. If you choose to stay, choose to stay as the hero of your story, as the person who is living in the possibility of solutions, who is figuring things out and learning to show up as an equal and receive their partner as an equal. 

20:21 

Choosing to stay for the children or the finances or the convenience isn't necessarily bad, but let's be honest with ourselves and with our spouse why we are choosing to stay. Step into your decision with confidence and self-respect. That doesn't mean it will all of a sudden change, but you will change. You will show up different, and that will provide a space to collect some good, clean data. This is the place of empowerment and engagement and strong energy. 

20:53 

There is nothing wrong with staying when this is your mindset and perspective. And choosing to leave is just as viable. But choose to leave with confidence, with the knowledge that you have your own back, even when the challenges arise, because they will. And remember that challenges don't mean you've made a wrong decision. They just mean you have made a decision. Choosing to stay will have its challenges too, just different ones. What you are choosing is the outcome that you can live with. And when you choose this path with confidence, it also creates empowerment and strong energy. Because the empowerment, confidence, and strong energy doesn't come from the decision, it comes from your commitment to the decision. It comes from inside of you. 

21:45 

And part of this process means you get to learn to be more honest with yourself about what is going on for you. You get to learn to make an integrity-based decision, which can be tough after so many years of not making decisions tapped into yourself at a deep level. So acknowledge, honestly, why you are making the decision you're making. Is it out of fear? Is it from a place of resentment and anger? Or is it from a place of confidence that you have walked the path and now you've come to the end? Honestly, it's often just a decision between two really crappy choices. And if you are to walk forward on the path you choose with confidence, you have to be making the decision from a place of love for yourself, from a place of compassion and self-respect. And the decision to stay or go can be, and needs to be, made from that place. And also, sometimes God has insight that you need. Include Him in the process, seek any additional guidance He has for you, while also remembering that agency is a part of His plan for us. Ultimately, He will support you in whatever choice you make. 

22:59 

For me, personally, I knew I was going to get divorced in about 20 years, and every time I would pray, I would feel like God just nudging me, saying, "hold on, not yet. Not yet. Hold on." And that went on for a long time. And could I have left during that time? I absolutely could have. Would God have loved me less? No. Would He have been disappointed? I don't think so. I think He would have understood why I made the decision. But ultimately, I chose to stay until I felt the nudge that said, "alright, it's time to go. You can leave." And I think that there are things that were better in my situation because I listened to those spiritual promptings. But I think that even had I not, I think God still would have had my back and done the best He could to help me out. Because ultimately, God will support us in whatever choice we make. Just don't forget to support yourself in whatever choice you make. And regardless of what the decision is, whether it's divorce or something else, that's the vital important part of growing up, is learning to have our own back. 

24:20 

Okay, it's going to do it for me this week. Hope you found something in there that was helpful and insightful for you. If I can ask if these podcasts are helping, I would love to have you leave me a review on Apple Podcasts, if you will. It just takes a couple of minutes. Just open up my podcast and then scroll down to the bottom of the list of podcasts. And there will be a place down there where you can leave me stars and where you can just type in a quick paragraph talking about how this podcast is helpful for you. That would be very beneficial to help other people find this content. This content has changed my life. It has helped me heal from a difficult marriage and divorce, and it is helping me to create the relationship of a lifetime. And I know that this is helping my clients as well. 

25:20 

If you would like to set up a consult with me, a coaching session with me, you can go to tanyahale.com. You can go to the "free consult" tab at the top and you can have access to my calendar. You can get on there and you can find a time that works for you, that we can sit down, we can do some coaching around your situation, and we can talk to you about coaching, see if it's a good fit. My life is absolutely in a better place because of coaching. I'm so grateful for the process and grateful for the coaches that I have worked with over the years who have helped me to see things that I was unable to see and have helped me progress at a pace that was so much faster than if I was trying to figure it all out on my own. Sometimes we just need outside eyes helping us see what we don't see. Okay, have an amazing amazing week my friends and I will talk to you next time. Bye! 

26:13 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!