00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 319, "Get Ready to Rock the Boat." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, my friends. Hey there, and welcome to the podcast today. Just so, so glad to have you as always. This work means everything to me and so glad to have you joining me on this journey of personal growth, of figuring out relationships, of living in this space of just satisfaction and fulfillment and being okay with the ups and downs of lives. We all have them. It's not a bad thing when difficult things happen. It's just part of what life is and learning how to manage ourselves and live in a good place while we're going through the challenges, and also the amazing things, in life is such a brilliant, beautiful place to be. And I'm so grateful I get to share my journey with you and I'm grateful that you are embarking on your own journey and doing the work to create something beautiful and more satisfying for you. So thanks for being here because I love it and I love sharing this with you. 

01:27 

For those of you who have left me reviews on my podcast lately, thank you. I really appreciate that. That helps to really share with other people this information that I think is so valuable. So if you haven't left a review, that would be a great thing to do if you want to thank me for some of this content that I put out there. And also I just really want to encourage you to share this. Share it on social media. Share it with your friends. Share it with your family. Wherever you know people who can use this kind of information, please share it. That is that is one of the best ways to help other people get this content, and it's a great way to help me build my business and get this information out there for others as well. 

02:18 

Okay, one last thing before we get started today I have nailed down my three classes. I'm gonna be doing three classes. I've never done three at the same time, group classes, this fall. They're going to be starting the middle of September. The first one is going to be a new kind of thing for me. We're going to be doing a class for couples. It's going to be called "Emotional Intimacy for Couples," and this came about because this last spring when I did the physical and emotional intimacy class, I actually had two couples join in, as well as Sione joined us for that group. And so there were three couples technically in the group and I loved the dynamic of watching them interact and watching them figure out things together and doing that. So I wanted to create a class just for couples so that we can share stuff. So that is going to be one and that one will be on an evening. 

03:10 

The second one, not exactly sure what a nice, concise way to title this is, but it's going to be on how to stop playing the one up/one-down game and be an equal partner. And maybe I'll just call it that. I know that's kind of a long title, but I don't know how else to say that in such a succinct way. But I think so many of us have these patterns of behavior that are one-up or one-down and we just don't even see them. And we don't really understand how to show up as an equal partner. And guess what? Your partner does not have to show up equal in order to do that. Or if you are single, understanding these patterns of behavior in your own life and in the relationships that you have had in the past and that you currently have are so important for us to understand how to move forward. And if you choose in the future to be in another relationship, how to create something equal. So I just think that this is going to be really really great for anyone single or married who wants to understand their own patterns better, who wants to know how to be an equal partner, who wants help figuring out how to create something better from their side. 

04:25 

Then the third one I'm going to do is going to be for single people and I'm going to call this one "Ready, Set, Date." We're going to talk about how to date, how to get yourself ready to start dating again in the world. A lot of people I talk to just  they're like, "oh, dating is so horrible. It's so miserable." And I just don't think it is. I didn't think it was when I was doing it. Are there specific challenges? Absolutely. But I think that the more that we do to clean up our stuff, to understand our stuff and to show up in the dating world from a place of abundance, from a place of knowing who we are and what we want, is a game changer in how our dating experience goes. I know that once I figured that stuff out for me, the dates that I went on were completely different than the dates I went on before. And so I think that that's going to be a super, super fun class. 

05:22 

And in the past, I've only done these classes for six weeks. The discussion group I did last fall, I did for 12, and I loved the longer length because I just felt like it gave us a chance to really dig in deep and enough time for people to feel comfortable with each other and to start being vulnerable in our group. So these three classes are all going to be nine weeks long, okay? So a little bit longer. We will be done before the holidays. So the week before Thanksgiving, I think, is the last week that these classes will be running. 

05:55 

So you're going to want to, if you are not on my website yet or getting my email on the weekends yet, you're going to want to go to my website, tanyahale.com. You're going to want to go to the "contact me" page, scroll down just a little bit. There's a place where you can sign up for my "weekend win." And that's going to give you information on these. I've nailed down the classes, I've nailed down the dates, have not got all the information up so you can sign up for those classes yet. So if you're interested in those, make sure that you are signed up so that you get the email. As soon as I get those live, I will send out an email and let you know that they're available to sign up for. Yeah, super excited about those. 

06:37 

Okay, let's jump into today's topic. And it is called "Get Ready to Rock the Boat." Alright, so "rocking the boat" is a phrase that has always had a negative connotation for me because it meant that I was causing problems, that other people were being made uncomfortable by my behaviors, that I wasn't playing nicely as all good girls should do. And I'm starting to see how this concept has played so well into other ideas that have been pervasive in my thinking over the years about how I should be low maintenance, a people pleaser, a peacekeeper, or super adaptable. 

07:15 

So if you've been listening to me for a while, you will realize that these ideas that guided so much of my life, I am now rejecting as beliefs that have actually been the cause of many of the dysfunctional patterns in my life. I attribute so many of these destructive patterns of behavior that I've engaged in to these ideas that have kept me in a one-down place and sometimes popped me up into a one-up place. And in relationships, being either one-down or one-up is destructive. And until we can learn to show up as equals, we will never have a healthy and strong partnership. And until we have a healthy and strong partnership, we will never create the emotionally intimate relationships that will fill our souls, that our souls deeply desire. 

08:05 

Now, what I'm not saying is that I think we should just dismiss all the wants and needs of the people we love and interact with, throw all caution to the wind, say and do everything that comes to our minds, only consider our own wants and needs and create waves that would rock the world. That is swinging the pendulum to the far other side, and that is as destructive to our relationships as always keeping ourselves in a one-down position, being afraid to create any waves. 

08:33 

So what then am I talking about when I say we need to be rocking the boat? Well, strong, healthy relationships require that there are two people engaged and present and working for the common good. When we are not showing up as an equal, we are not engaged and present and doing the work necessary for these better relationships. A phrase that is commonly used in relationships by both women and men is "walking on eggshells." We all hate walking on eggshells, and there's a reason why. There are times that we feel we can't talk about the problem for fear of the other person becoming dysregulated in some way. Maybe they will yell, become passive aggressive or emotionally disengage, or even give us the silent treatment for several days. But whatever they do, they will behave in some way that we want to avoid because it's painful. So we walk on eggshells. We tread carefully so as not to upset their fragile existence. When we are walking on eggshells, we are not feeling as though it is safe to be seen and heard. It is not safe to have a voice, to have wants and needs, and to express them. And this never creates a good relationship. In fact, it destroys relationships. 

09:53 

Relationships, to be healthy, need to have a lot of great communication and communication that really communicates. Not yelling, accusing, demanding, blaming or attacking, which is the opposite of walking on eggshells. It is essential that we learn to show up as equals. A place that is not walking on eggshells and neither is it a place where we say mean and hurtful and aggressive things. Showing up as an equal is something that many of us don't even understand what that looks like or sounds like. One way that it sounds and looks like is to be willing to rock the boat a little bit. 

10:38 

So here's what I mean by that phrase. We are all different. Whether we are talking about a marriage, a partner relationship, or a relationship with children or siblings or parents or friends, we are all very different. We have different ideas, understandings, values, motivations, priorities. Our perspectives and our personalities are different. Of course there will be some disagreements and misunderstandings about things. That is the nature of human relationships. Having different opinions doesn't make us enemies. It doesn't mean that we are attacking or being attacked. It means we are humans. It's that simple and that easy. Somehow many of us have in our heads this idea that a good relationship shouldn't have any disagreements, that we should always want the same things in the same way, and that this is when we will know we have truly made it and become one. And that's a bunch of nonsense. Or hogwash, as my dad would say. We will never be the same in all or even most things. Sione and I are ridiculously compatible in so many ways and there are still so many differences in how we see the world and how we interpret different situations and on how we see the way forward. And that is exactly as it should be. 

11:59 

So when we bring up these differences of opinion and viewpoints, there will be some waves. We both want something different or see the way forward differently. Showing up as an equal partner means that you share your different ideas and beliefs. It means that both of you are willing to put your thoughts, your wants, your needs out on the table for perusal and consideration. And that may cause some waves. It may create uncomfortable situations where you both need to work to see the other person's point of view, where we take other things into consideration, where we look at information we may not have had previously, and where we scooch our butts around the table, sit cheek to cheek, and have an adult collaborative discussion. 

12:47 

And that can be super hard if we're not used to it. We may fear that if we create a wave that the other person won't love us because we're not easy to love. And I will tell you on a personal level that that is one of my all time favorites that continues to surface occasionally, by the way. That if I'm not super easy to live with, that I won't be lovable. I go the rounds with that old belief all the time, and it just keeps surfacing, and I deal with it, and surfacing, and I deal with it, and surfacing. and I go with it, right? We all have these. That's one of mine, that I need to be easy to love, right? 

13:24 

So meanwhile, if we have invested so much of our energy over the years to be easy peasy, to be low maintenance, adaptable, accommodating, then moving into a space where we intentionally create waves can feel really difficult, scary, and even overwhelming. And yet it has to be done. Equals will create waves. Let's wrap our brains around and accept and embrace the idea that creating waves is actually healthier for our relationships than if we don't. That may take some mind work, but we have to get there if we are going to salvage our flailing relationship or if we are going to strengthen and deepen our pretty darn good relationship. 

14:12 

Now, I'm not saying that we want to create a tsunami. That will be destructive as well. If we create a tsunami, the other person will be holding onto their boat for dear life and will be in massive protection mode. Putting our wants and needs on the table is not demanding and unyielding. It is not dismissive and overbearing. It is not a tsunami that causes the other person to feel fear and as though they are in danger of being attacked. Let's create waves, but not a tsunami. Let's bring up all the topics, share all of the wants and needs, and learn to do it in a way that feels safe for both of us in the relationship. 

14:56 

So how do we do that? How do we bring up all of the topics from a place of self-respect and equality while also honoring the other person's uniqueness and inherent humanity? First, it's important to see ourselves as an equal in life. In any relationship, both people matter the same. If one person thinks they are more important or less important, it's going to be a very difficult relationship. If you are the one always seeing yourself in a one-up or one-down position, you're going to be  creating problems. The one-down position keeps you quiet in a place of "less than" and it builds resentment in you. The one up position can be more vocal and will often be accompanied by feelings of "better than" and creates contempt for the other person. Both resentment and contempt destroy relationships. We have to really work to figure out how to show up as an equal. 

15:56 

And if your spouse or the other person in the relationship is the one who is always showing up in a one-up or a one-down position, it can be difficult because you want someone to really be there as an equal with you. When I speak with clients for whom their spouses show up "less than," they feel so much frustration that they tend to be the one responsible for so much. They feel the other person defers to them way too much in matters that would be better for them to work together to make decisions. Sometimes it comes across as a parent-child role kind of situation and this can cause frustration, annoyance, and even stress for needing to be the one to carry so much of the weight of the relationship. 

16:40 

When I work with clients for whom their spouse shows up "better than," they can often feel small, often scared, or feel fearful of the other person's reactions or tactics. They can feel inadequate, they can feel insecure. When you want to have an equal partnership and the other person doesn't know how to do that, it's always going to create more challenges. Now, we cannot control how the other person shows up, but we can learn to show up equally regardless of what they understand or desire. If they show up one-down, we can learn to get curious, to ask kind questions, to create a safe place for them to venture into themselves if they choose. We can really pay attention to any ways that we might be dismissing them, not seeing them or their opinion, and even have conversations about how we can be more of a team. If they try to put us in a one-up position, we choose instead to show up treating them as an equal. 

17:46 

Now, if the other person in your relationship consistently shows up in a one-up space, we can respectfully offer our opinions. We can keep showing up and not dismiss ourselves and our wants and our own needs. We can continue to make requests even if they continue to say no. We can choose to show up as an equal without attacking them. After all, how they respond to us making requests and putting our wants and needs on the table is good data. And that's a lot of what we do in tough relationships is collect data. And it's imperative that we learn to speak up and have discussions about where we may not feel that we have equality in our relationships. So regardless of where you are, the one not showing up equal or the person whose spouse doesn't show up equal, we have to have conversations that are loving and kind, that rock the boat, but don't create a tsunami. 

18:48 

So this is where I love bringing in the "own your own" sentence structure. And I love this for a couple of different reasons. First, it causes me to really figure out my own thoughts and feelings before I approach the other person. If I don't take the time to see my own ideas clearly, to understand why I am feeling the way I am and why I am struggling, then it's much more difficult to have an open and honest discussion. Another reason I love the "own your own" strategy is because it allows me to share what's going on with me in a way that doesn't attack, blame, or accuse the other person. And if they feel safe when we share, they are much less likely to feel defensive and go into super protective mode. 

19:31 

So let's go through this again. I know I've covered this in previous podcasts, but it's always good to have another example of it, right? So here's how we own our own. We start off by identifying the facts around the circumstance so that we can state them clearly. When we are talking about the circumstance, we want to be really clear on just the factual details. If I had a recorder on, I could use the exact words. For example, I might say, "when you said, 'I don't think that's important...'" Okay, so notice in this example, we would want to use their words as close to what we can recall as possible. 

20:11 

Now you may want to leave out the quote pieces, right, because that's going to be a little much maybe, but we want to, like if I could have recorded it, I want to be able to say it as close as possible to what they said. Keep it factual. Could you prove it in a court of law? Would everyone in the world agree? Remember in your middle and high school language arts classes, it was talked about as facts and opinions. Identify the fact here and keep your opinion out of it. There will be a time to share your opinion or your thought, but in this first part, it's super important that you figure out just what the facts are. Learn to identify the facts. Will help you so much in not going into the drama response. It can help keep our prefrontal cortex online and not let it get flooded into emotional deregulation. Our primitive brain has a tendency to take those facts and create a story about them and then present our story as the facts. The story is important because there's data in the story that we tell, but for this first part, let's just completely separate out the facts. That's the first part. 

21:27 

The second part of owning your own is to identify the feeling you have because of those facts. For example, if someone said in response to one of your ideas, "well, that's ridiculous. That won't work." What feeling arises in your body? Is it annoyance, anger, dismissal, sadness? Check the feeling and maybe even look a little bit deeper. For example, anger or hurt can be easy go to emotions. It can be easy to say, "well, I felt angry. I felt hurt," but often there's another feeling below those such as fear or overlook or dismissed. Going to the emotion is a really important part of this process and digging a little bit deeper rather than just an easy go to emotion. Let's dig below that a bit. 

22:19 

Then, and this is the most important part, realize that between the circumstance and your feeling about the circumstance, there is a thought. Often we may think that the circumstances cause our feelings, but the circumstances are neutral. They are just facts. What causes our feeling is our thought about the circumstance, the story that we create about it. So a circumstance occurs, we have a thought about it, and that creates a feeling. When we take the time to figure all of this out, we will understand ourselves better and we will see the dynamic in our relationships more clearly. it slows us down from an immediate reaction that can be hurtful and harmful. As we choose to slow down and say, "okay, what's going on inside of me? Inside of my brain and inside of my body?" 

23:15 

Okay, so let's say the circumstance is that you are feeling some stress about an upcoming responsibility and you want to discuss the situation and your stress with your husband. When you bring it up, you only get a minute in before he says "I don't know why you always stress about these things. It always works out," and you just get so emotional and you feel annoyed. The first thing to do is take a minute to slow down, take a breath, and process what's going on for you. He said "i don't know why you always stress about these things. It always works out and you just get so emotional." That is the circumstance and i want you to realize that they are just neutral words. But from those neutral words you felt annoyed. First of all, dig a little deeper though. Is there something underneath the annoyance for me with that kind of a something said to me i would feel dismissed underneath that annoyance and that is a much better place to start dismissed? Rather than "annoyed," the deeper we can get here the more vulnerable we will be and the more clear and concise our communication will be. 

24:36 

So what was the thought about what he said? That created the feeling of being dismissed, possibly the thought was "I don't feel that he cares about my struggles and my experiences. When we are feeling dismissed we understand the story that our brain is creating about what he said. Okay, the story our brain is creating is that he doesn't care about me. In the past, you would possibly just move into attack mode and say something like, "you never listen to me. You never pay attention." And off we go into the same old fight we always have, with nothing ever being resolved. 

25:21 

This time, though, we are going to approach things differently. So let's clean up one more thing. If you are going to share your thought, you want to take out any language that blames him and might put him on the defensive, because once the defensive walls go up, all communication goes down. So rather than "you don't care about my struggles and experiences," we would want to take out the "you," the attack, the blame, the finger pointing, and make it more neutral. So instead, we would say something like, "my struggles and experiences don't matter." So when we approach the person then, the "own your own" process would sound something like, "when I was sharing my thoughts and feelings with you and you said 'I don't know why you always stress about these things. It always works out and you get so emotional,' I felt dismissed because I was thinking that my struggles and experiences don't matter." 

26:23 

Are we bringing up a tough conversation? Yes. Absolutely. Are we rocking the boat? Most likely. Are we accusing or attacking or blaming? Nope, we are not creating a tsunami which increases the chances that the other person won't feel defensive and put up their protective armor. Okay, so we have to bring up the tough conversations. This is rocking the boat, but we want to do it in a place that approaches them as an equal, that does not create a tsunami. 

27:01 

So the next step after we say the own your own sentence statement. We say the next step is to ask them a question, something like "will you please help me understand what was going on for you when we had this conversation?" So what we are doing here is giving them a safe place to share their side of the story their point of the view. Here are a few more questions that you could ask: "What do you see from the situation that I may not be seeing?" "Will you help me understand why you responded that way?" What this approach does is open the door to having a conversation, and equals have tough conversations in ways that don't attack or accuse or blame. 

27:49 

So then you, my friend, get to be prepared to listen and hear and ask genuine follow up questions to their response. What they say may come across as attacking, okay? Breathe and listen to what they have to say and then look for the truth. Remember, if you feel defensive, there is truth there. Find it, acknowledge it, and address it. For example, they may respond to your question like this, "it just feels like all you want to do is complain. You never move into fixing things and getting better. It's just the same complaints over and over. It just gets so exhausting.' Okay, now let's just say, apparently, this person has not been listening to my podcast and implementing the tools I teach. And this is probably how most of your other persons are. So they don't know how to not attack, blame, or accuse yet. Let's give them some grace. You have the tools. Let's apply them, okay? Choose to listen to what is said and not get distracted by the delivery. Even if your defenses are screaming at you to protect yourself, I want you to just breathe, remind yourself that it's a primitive brain response to want to protect yourself, and just remind yourself that, "listen, I'm not in any danger here. There are actually some gold nuggets of information that I really want to mine." 

29:27 

Do you really complain a lot and never move into solution mode? Honestly, ask yourself if that's the case, and remember, even if there's only 2% truth in their story, there is still truth that is valuable information for you, and those are gold nuggets. If you were feeling defensive, it's probably true that you do just complain. Take a minute to acknowledge to them that they are right. I promise you that that won't kill you either. And then ask them some more questions about it. How do they feel when you start complaining? Why does it make them feel that way? How could you bring up a topic so you can explore it or vent about it without them feeling that way? 

30:16 

And this is also a time when you can ask for what you want. For example, "when I need to explore or vent about a situation you're not in my life, I really just want you to stop what you're doing and listen to me. And you're right, I do tend to get stuck in complaint mode. It would help me if after I talked, you asked me what my plan was to move through it. That will remind me to start looking for solutions." 

30:41 

Now, your approach may be very different, but look at the basic concepts here. Use own your own. Ask them for their experience when that was happening. Drop your defenses and really listen and hear what they have to say. Acknowledge the truth. Own the truth. Ask for what you want. Show them you are working to clean things up. Rocking the boat is inevitable in a healthy relationship. It's part of a healthy relationship. You will never get around it if you are approaching your relationship as an equal person. And we can be kind. We can be honest. We can be self-reflective. We can seek to understand their point of view. And guess what? We can even be wrong. One of my favorite phrases since being married to Sione is saying, "I might be wrong about this, but here's what my brain is thinking." I'm just putting it out there right up front. "Listen, I might be wrong. Help me understand this better. Help me see what I'm not seeing." Being willing to step into all of this is being an equal. It is your best bet for a better relationship. 

32:03 

Growing up into middle age is an amazing adventure, my friends, and one that pays dividends like you've never known. I know you can do this. I know you can figure it out. Sometimes we need help. And if you're in a space where you're like, "listen, I'm in over my head, I need some help with this," go to my website, sign up for that free 90 minute consultation that I offer, and let's get some work done. And let's see if working with me on a long-term basis would be a great option for you. It is an investment in time. It is an investment in money. It is an investment in energy and mental capacity, and it's hard. I'm going to be honest with you, it is not easy to work and see all of these things, but I promise you it is worth the investment. Cleaning up all of this stuff, understanding, seeing, addressing all of this is so worth it. It is so worth it. Please don't be afraid to invest in yourself and in your relationships to create something amazing. I love growing up, and I would not trade all of this hard work for anything. Okay, so go to my website and sign up for that free 90 minutes, and let's have a chat. Let's do  some cleaning up. Okay, then you will know whether I would be a good fit for you to work with one-on-one. 

33:51 

And don't forget to sign up on my website for that "weekend win" if you would like to be one of the first people to know about one of those three classes that are going to be starting in mid September. I'm super super excited that I've nailed those down and I just think they're going to be amazing and so fun. I just really really enjoy the um the group classes. So join me there and thanks for being here today. Hope you've had a great great listen and I will see you next time. Bye. 

34:27 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email; a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!