00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 316, "Confidence to Make Tough Decisions." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. So glad to have you here. And I, in turn, am glad to be here. Love this work that I am doing with you as we figure out this process of how to create relationships that are just beautiful and amazing and energy-producing and lives that feel fulfilling and engaging and that we just finish our days going, "dang, I love this life." Love what I'm doing. Not that everything is always easy peasy, but gosh, when we learn to apply tools, we can have tough experiences that turn into beautiful results. And that's what we're doing here, is figuring this out so that we can do some great stuff. And I'm glad that I get to share with you the things that I have learned both as I have studied and read and listened to things and also as I have applied and figured things out. It's a pretty amazing thing that I'm doing here, and I love that I get to share it with you. 

01:30 

OK, we are talking today about the confidence to make tough decisions. Alright, so some decisions feel really scary. It can feel as though all of humanity rests on which decision we make. Now, I know that that seems a little bit dramatic, but I bet you've felt that drama at times when you've had what you consider a really big decision to make. I have clients who feel that if they make the decision to get divorced, that they will ruin the lives of their children. Will their children's lives be impacted in a big way? Absolutely. But notice that thinking "it's going to ruin their lives" is a bit dramatic. We tend to make our decisions so much bigger than they really are, and that can make the decisions seem overwhelming and almost impossible to make sometimes. 

02:20 

Now, I'm not saying we don't have some serious and potentially life-altering decisions to make, because we do. Every one of us. What I am saying is that we have the capacity to make them with more ease and a lot less drama. So let's talk about how we can create the confidence to make decisions, even really big decisions, without all the drama that we've been talking about. So let's start off by talking about confidence. 

02:49 

Now, I like to divide confidence into two categories. First, the confidence to do things that we know how to do. And second, the confidence to do things that we don't know how to do.So the first is confidence surrounding things that we have past experience with, that we know we can do. I know that I can walk down the street without falling over. Pretty confident about that. But guess what? There are some times that I may not see something or I trip on something and I will fall over. But here's the deal. It doesn't shake my confidence to get up and to keep walking. I don't lay there on the ground going, "oh my gosh, I don't know if I can walk down the street anymore. This is too difficult. What if I fail? What if I fall again?" Like, those thoughts don't even cross my mind because I know that I'm so good at walking and I've done it so many times that I see that the trip that caused me to fall is an isolated event. And it doesn't impact my overall confidence in being able to walk down the street. So I get back up and I keep walking. 

03:49 

So this kind of confidence is all over in our lives because there are so many things that we have mastered in our lives. Eating, getting dressed, driving a bicycle or a car, typing out the keyboard. I mean, all this stuff that we do, most of the stuff that we do almost every day. We don't even have to think much about when making decisions regarding them because they're just part of our daily lives. And we've done them so much that they don't take any brain power and we don't ever question our ability to really do them. That's the first kind of confidence. 

04:21 

So the second type is the confidence that we need to make decisions that aren't part of our daily lives. Decisions that feel much more weighty. This is the confidence needed to do things that we haven't done before or can't precisely anticipate the outcome of. This is the confidence that I'm going to refer to as self-confidence rather than just confidence. And the reason why is because the confidence needed here isn't in our ability to do the thing, because we haven't done the thing, right? So we don't know if we can do it. But the confidence is in ourselves, in the way that we will show up regardless of how the situation turns out. That's why it is called "self-confidence," because the confidence is in our self. 

05:11 

So for example, let's say you have $5,000 and you are trying to decide what to do with it. Three options you are considering are leaving it in a savings account in case something comes up, adding it to your investment account, or updating a room in your home. The first thing we want to consider is that there isn't a right answer here. There also isn't a wrong answer. There is just a decision to be made and you could make any three of those and you're gonna be fine. What we often tend to do is sit on a decision like this for far longer than is necessary. We stew about it. We fret about the what-ifs. Then we decide to wait and we mostly forget about it except that occasionally our brain will say something like, "hey, what are we going to do with that $5,000?" 

05:59 

So here's the part that cracks me up: our brain keeps remembering the $5,000 and bringing it to the forefront. But then when we bring it forward to make a decision and decide to think about it and process it and decide, our brain goes into stall mode and it creates fear around us making the wrong decision. It starts to bring up all the reasons for and against each decision. And every time we get close to making a decision, our brain counters it with a concern and another idea. And we can stay stuck in this decision making process about this money for several months. But if someone said, "here's $5,000, but you can only have it if you decide what to do with it in the next minute," we would make that decision in one minute or less. It's not that we can't make the decision. It's that we don't have confidence that we will be happy with our decision later on. 

06:54 

Notice that the making of a decision actually happens in a matter of seconds. Making decisions is just making a decision. It's all of the stewing about it and the fear surrounding it that makes it take days or weeks or months, or even years sometimes, to make a decision. I talk to people all the time who profess that they are horrible at making decisions. And I'm sure that you've heard a lot of people say that as well. "I'm just not a good decision maker." Why is that? It's because they worry that they will not be happy with what they choose. 

07:32 

So let's take a step back. Where does our happiness about our decisions come from? What line in the thought model would we put "happy?" Okay, it would go in the feeling line of the thought model. And if we follow that up a step, we can see that happiness comes from our thoughts and thoughts occur based on our circumstances. If you choose to use the money for a room remodel, you get to choose whether to be happy with that decision or not, or whether to continue to revisit your decision over and over and second guess whether you made the right decision or not. This is the space we often want to avoid when we need to make a decision. The second guessing and the wishing we would haves and the not sures take away from the happiness. 

08:23 

And because we're afraid of thinking we will make the wrong decision, we make no decision at all. And when push comes to shove and we finally do make the decision, we allow our brains to spin in second guessing and pushing back. The solution here is not to look for the right decision, but to make the decision right. We step into the decision we make and we choose to look forward rather than looking back. We choose to be happy with the decision that we have made. And happy would come from a thought such as, "I love this decision." We choose, in this instance, to have our own back on the decision rather than throwing ourselves under the bus for the decision that we did make. So we make the decision to do the redecorating and we go all in. 

09:13 

Now if you're not used to this, if your go-to pattern of behavior is to beat yourself up for the decision you made and keep wondering if it's the right one or not, you're going to have some work to do. Because your brain is going to push back with something like, "oh gosh, I wonder if I should have invested that money instead. Maybe I made a mistake. Oh, what if we just  had that money in savings, then maybe if something comes up then I don't have to worry about it." Your brain's going to do that. But when it does, you can check your brain. You can respond with something like, "I'm actually really happy with the decision." That's simple, right? Nothing fancy. Just reminding your brain that you are in charge and that the decision doesn't need to be revisited. 

09:56 

Your brain will push back with a lot of, "but what if" statements, and that's okay. Its pattern of behavior is to do that. But now you're going to start creating a new pattern of behavior, which is having your own back when you make a decision. Just gently remind your brain that the decision has been made. And then move forward to make the decision the right one by how you think about it, which then impacts the feelings and our behaviors. This then is where the self-confidence comes in. The confidence in yourself that says, "I've got my own back. I'm going to support my own decision." Will there be uncomfortable parts of making the decision you make? But it's okay. It's okay to be uncomfortable. Discomfort is part of being a human and most situations involve some sort of discomfort. 

10:51 

Many of us get caught in the mind trap of thinking that if it's the right decision we should never feel uncomfortable. Well guess what, that's just not true. Probably all of the really amazing, great decisions we will make in our lives will involve some discomfort, especially at first, because your brain is going to be going, "whoa, whoa, whoa, we've never thought of this before, we've never done this before, we're in over our heads, protection, protection, protection," right? It's what our brains do. Thank you, brain. But we made a decision, we're moving on here. 

11:26 

So, let's move into something a little bit more weighty. Let's take the decision to get divorced or the decision to keep working on the marriage. This one comes with a lot more moral weight to it than $5,000 because many people think divorce is a horrible thing and that if people just worked harder they could figure it out. So with all of the judgment of others looming in our heads, let's say that we are seriously considering divorce. How in the world do you even start to make such a life changing decision? In this case we have to be able to separate out everyone else's opinion from our own experience and the facts that we are aware of that other people aren't and nobody else knows these facts. 

12:09 

Part of the work that I do with clients who are considering divorce is to help them clean up their own behavior toward their spouse so that they can collect good, clean data so they can see the facts for what they really are. Now let's say that you've collected good data and you've got the information you need to make a decision and you decide that divorce is the best option for you. But actually deciding, saying it out loud, starting the process, telling people, discussing it with your spouse, right, can be terrifying. Sometimes even when we know we're making a good decision we will still find ourselves balking, hesitating, procrastinating. Why is that? Even if we really feel that it's the best decision, what are we waiting for? 

12:58 

I think we're waiting for a few things. Sometimes I think we're hoping that the decision will get easier, and it rarely does. We will still have a lot of unknowns surrounding the decision, things that we will never know until the decision plays out. In the case of divorce often there are a lot of concerns around our children. Rightfully so. How will they respond? Will they take sides or feel like they have to take sides? Will they resent you for being the one to file for divorce? Will they be scarred for life? Will it ruin their chances for a happy marriage in the future? And on and on and on, so many questions that we just don't know, we don't have the answer to. 

13:36 

There are also a lot of concerns financially for many of us. Will I be able to pay all of my bills? Will I have to move? What if I don't have enough money to keep my kids fed and safe? What if my car breaks down? Will I have enough money to pay for it? So many concerns that our brains will spin into worst case scenario over. 

13:56 

And then there are concerns about other people. What will they think? Will I be ostracized at church or among our combined friends? Will my married friends still invite me to go to activities? What will my family think? I've been so close to his family. What will happen to those relationships? Just so many things we don't know the answer to. And the uncertainty keeps our primitive brain in panic and protection mode, where it will do everything it can to keep us from making a big decision like this because our primitive brain will go for familiar every single time, even if familiar is destructive and detrimental. It would rather go for what's certain than what's not certain. So it will put up every reason not to make the decision. Thanks, primitive brain, for working to keep us safe. 

14:45 

And then this is where we get to engage intentionally our prefrontal cortex to make the decision and to face our fears. And how do we face the fear of uncertainty? Well, it's not by having all the answers, because the answers generally aren't there. We face the fear of uncertainty through self-confidence: confidence in ourselves and knowing that whatever comes at us as a result of this decision, that we will have our own back. That we will not beat ourselves down for our decision, that we will be compassionate and kind when things are tough and we feel that we are in over our heads. Self-confidence says that I'm confident in my ability to work through it, to figure it out, even though I've never done it before. 

15:36 

Learning to feel fear and still act is engaging our self-confidence because we are confident in ourselves that if we fail, we will get back up and keep going. That if we are judged and blamed and accused and attacked, that we will love ourselves and we will be kind to ourselves, even when others aren't. Self-confidence says, "I haven't done this before, but regardless of all the uncertainty, I know I will figure it out and I'll come out the other side stronger and better." The confidence to make hard decisions doesn't happen when we have all the facts and because we can tell the future. It happens when we accept that there is a lot of uncertainty and a lot of discomfort and a lot of fear and we know that whatever happens, we will be there for ourselves. Self-confidence says, "regardless of what happens, I will figure it out." And sometimes we make a decision and then change our minds and guess what? That's not a problem. Of course we get to change our minds when we have new information or decide we want something different. Changing our minds doesn't make us wishy washy or unreliable. It makes us humans who make the best decisions possible based on the information we have. And when we have more information, we make a different decision. 

16:55 

Now, of course, some decisions have more permanent outcomes than others. And all of us have made decisions that looking back, we see it didn't turn out the way we anticipated. And also, so many of us are so afraid of this happening again that we freeze in the face of a decision. After all, we have proof, as our primitive brain will remind us, that we aren't good at making decisions. But honestly, is there anyone you know who hasn't made a decision that they wish they hadn't made later on? I think that is called humanity. We will all make decisions that later on we will see as mistakes. That's part of what it means to be a human. That is part of what we do. It's part of our learning process here. 

17:44 

When we can learn to see these decisions as learning opportunities and stepping stones, rather than as proof that we're incapable of making good decisions, we can also step into more confidence with our decisions. Because ultimately, we learn that decisions that come with difficult consequences are often some of the best learning opportunities we have. In fact, sometimes the only way we will learn certain lessons is by failing, by making a decision and having tough consequences come as a result. This is a huge premise behind all science and progress in the world, isn't it? You've probably heard it called "failing forward" or something similar to that. Being willing to fail comes when we know that we will pick ourselves up and continue to figure it out and learn from it and move forward. 

18:41 

When I interviewed Wendy a few weeks ago, if you remember, she was married for 28 years, and then a few years later was married a second time for just under two years, I think. She doesn't see that second marriage as a failure at all. Was it tough? Absolutely. Was it a difficult decision to get married and then to get divorced two years later? One hundred percent, and yet what she experienced during the second marriage is what helped her to find life coaching and to obtain the tools she needed to heal and to move forward and to create the beautiful life that she is living now with a new husband who's just spectacular, okay? 

19:20 

While working with a client recently, she and I were discussing her decision to get married many years ago, and it has not turned out the way she had hoped. And looking back, she recognizes a lot of warning signs, and she was doing pretty good job of berating herself for making the decision to marry him in the first place, when she saw these signs. And we took some time to review all the reasons she had to make the decision to marry him. And she actually had some pretty compelling reasons, reasons that seemed to overshadow the warning signs at the time. So she used these compelling reasons to choose to marry him. She's an incredibly smart woman, and she made the best decision she knew at the time with the best  evidence she could compile. And it didn't turn out as she had hoped and planned. 

20:07 

That sort of scenario in one form or another will happen to all of us. So this client can either spend precious time beating herself up for the decisions she made almost two decades ago, or she can give herself grace for making the best decision possible at the time, and give herself compassion for the struggle that she's been through. She can recognize the amazing things she has learned during these years that she's been married and she can continue to learn as she works through being her best self during the divorce process. She can have her own back when things get tough and maybe don't go as planned. She really gets to choose whether this is a great decision for her or a horrible decision for her by how she chooses to frame it in her mind, and how she chooses to learn and grow or not during the process. 

21:02 

So even when we make what we might call" wrong decisions," when we can know that even if it doesn't turn out the way we planned, that we will rise, that we will learn, that we will become something better, then we are stepping into our self confidence, confidence in our self that we will figure it out. Figuring out is rarely, if ever, a straight line. It's usually a pretty messy process. When we can learn to offer ourselves grace for the messes we get in, when we know we will get up and try again, when we know we're not going to beat ourselves down, when we know we will be kind and compassionate with ourselves, when we know that we can feel any emotion no matter how difficult and we will be okay, then we can make decisions, even really tough ones, with more confidence. 

22:03 

We don't have to be perfect in this life. We're not supposed to be perfect in this life. The expectation that we're supposed to be perfect and the fear that we will not be perfect holds us back from making decisions and moving forward. It won't always turn out like a magical movie. Almost every decision has pros and cons, and if we get hung up on the cons, we could stay stuck forever before the decision and even after the decision when we continue to question ourselves. Let's choose to embrace our humanity and all of the difficulties that come with it, and also all of the growth and potential wrapped up in this life as well. 

22:56 

And let's make decisions from a place of self-confidence. You've got this, my friend. It's a beautiful, beautiful part of growing up into middle life. Okay, good stuff, right? Okay, just a reminder to you. If you are not signed up for my email, go to tanyahale.com. Go over to the "contact me" page and scroll down just a little bit and there will be a place where you can sign up for my "weekend win." This is an email that I send you just almost every weekend, not all the time because sometimes I get distracted and forget, but most weekends you're going to get an email. They're meant to be read in one or two minutes, I just keep them short, but they're just great little pieces of information. 

23:44 

And if you are interested in the group courses that I'm going to be doing this fall starting in September, you're going to want to be getting the emails because that's where the bulk of the information and the ease of signing up is going to be for you. So go to tanyahale.com, sign up for the "weekend win" and then you will be the first to get the information about those classes when I've really nailed them down and they're ready to go. But I'm planning on doing several classes in September. 

24:21 

I've just found that I really, I love one-on-one coaching and I really love the group group classes too. This last group that I did that was just a discussion group, we didn't even have an itinerary, right? We just showed up every week and had discussions and it was amazing. It was so great and I loved everybody that came and the space that people moved in and sharing ideas and building and growing was really, really a great experience for me and a great experience for the other 10 people who were there as well. So planning on doing that in the fall. So I hope to see you there, hope to see you getting my weekend win so that you can know about those classes when they show up. And that's gonna do it for me today. Hope you have an amazing, amazing week and I will see you next time. Bye! 

25:08 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!