Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 314, "When Setting Boundaries is Hard." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Well, hello there, my friends and welcome to the podcast today. Just really glad to have you here. We are talking today about boundaries. I realize that it's been a couple of years since I did a podcast specifically on boundaries. I do have some, I think if you want to go back to I think seven, eight, and nine, very, very early on I talked about boundaries because boundaries were one of the first concepts that really sunk in for me when I started doing my work. And so anyway, we're going to talk about boundaries today, but we're going to talk about the side of boundaries, like when they're hard, when it is hard to set boundaries because of the person that we're needing to set boundaries with. 

01:04 

So I think it's fascinating that a concept like boundaries, that are such a significant part of our lives and our conversations and our discussions around relationships today, were never talked about until, I don't know, what about 10 years ago? Maybe more than that, but if they were talked about before that I wasn't listening to the right people. I had never really heard about boundaries until I encountered Brene Brown in 2016 and she had been around for a bit. She already had a book or two out, but I had just found her and the research she has done absolutely changed the trajectory of my own life. 

01:43 

My first encounter with her was listening to an audio from her called "The Power of Vulnerability," and one listen changed everything for me. Multiple listens later, within a couple of months, I saw the world differently and I started to engage. And the two biggest takeaways for me when I first listened to this audio was the concept of vulnerability and the concept of boundaries. And I know we talk a lot about vulnerability and how vital it is for that intimate relationship, something that I had no idea of in my previous marriage. And the second concept for me was boundaries, a term that I had not heard in regards to relationships before. 

02:24 

So while listening, I realized that healthy boundaries were non-existent in my previous marriage and that that was part of the reason both of us felt so unsafe, why we both felt violated and unseen and unheard. But here's the fascinating part to all of this, at least for me since that's all I can really speak to. I was not putting my wants and needs on the table, but then I was getting angry and frustrated that he wasn't doing anything that I felt I wanted or needed in the relationship. I was not setting boundaries about what was okay and what was not okay in the relationship, but then I was angry that he was not doing those things. There were behaviors that I was not okay with, and I just ignored them as much as possible and put up with them to keep the peace because I felt that was my job as a woman and a wife. And the lack of communication on both of our parts made healthy boundaries non-existent, and that just does not work. 

03:29 

When there aren't boundaries in a relationship, we start to create anger and resentment. We shut down emotionally and even physically, and we can start to assume worst intent, all behaviors that break down the safety in relationships. When there are boundaries, we are really good at staying in our own lane, at allowing the other person the agency to choose how they want to behave in the relationship, and we respond from places of love and respect for the other person as well as honoring the relationship circle. 

04:04 

So let's hit a bit of Boundaries 101 basic training just to make sure we're all clear and on the same page. So a boundary in a relationship is clarity surrounding what is okay and what is not okay. Some boundaries do not need to be said out loud. For  example, never in my relationship with Sione have I ever needed to let him know that if you get angry and hit me, that's not okay. Because of the person he is and because of the nature of our relationship, that is a given and it doesn't happen. I have never had to say that, and neither have I ever had to say that walking down the grocery store aisle. I've never had to stop somebody walking past and say, "hey, by the way, if you hit me, I'm going to call the police." 

04:50 

In so many relationships, when people are respectful and kind, we do not have to even say boundaries out loud sometimes. But some boundaries need to be said, but we also don't need to go so far as to set consequences for them. For example, let's say that your spouse or your child started calling you a name that you don't like. Maybe it's not even derogatory. Maybe it's just some weird nickname and you're like, "I don't really like that one." In many relationships, just saying, "I don't really like that name. Will you please stop using it in reference to me?" will be enough to let the other person know that stopping that behavior would be good for the relationship. They love and respect you enough to honor your wishes in this thing. And then in some situations with some people, you will need to state the boundary, your wishes, what's okay and what's not okay, and the consequence. 

05:45 

And then the trickiest and hardest part is having the courage to follow through with the consequence. For example, let's say you have an adult child who borrows your pickup often and returns it full of trash and empty on gas. Now you may be okay with that, and in this case no worries. No need to set a boundary if you are okay with that behavior. But if you're not okay with that and you have already asked your adult child to return the car clean and full of gas and they haven't honored your request, you will need to go next level and set a consequence. Why is that? Because what starts happening to you every time the pickup is returned in that condition? You start to feel frustrated. You start to think things in your head about how you're being taken advantage of and how they're still acting like a child even though they're an adult and they want to be treated like an adult and they don't deserve it. And you start creating resentment and anger in your heart toward them. And yes, you can love them desperately and still feel anger and resentment towards them. Boundaries will help keep that resentment and anger away. 

06:54 

Boundaries in this instance are the business part of relationship. They are not the personal part. Okay? This is a situation where a boundary with consequences needs to be set to keep you from creating resentment in your own heart, and it would sound something like, "I'm happy to let you borrow the pickup this weekend. I'm going to ask that when you return it, it is clean inside and out and that the tank is full of gas. And if those conditions are not met then you will not be allowed to borrow the pickup again." Pay attention to the clarity of first of all, what is okay and what is not okay. Okay? And what you, not them, will do if they choose not to behave that way. We're not saying "you have to bring it back this way." We're saying "this is what I'm requesting and if you choose not to honor that request this is the consequence." 

07:47 

And notice that you're not imposing a consequence about how they will need to behave. You're not saying that if they bring it back dirty they will need to clean it or they will need to pay you money to clean it or anything like that. The consequence for your boundary is how you will behave. In this instance, you won't let them use it again. And we're not setting the boundary because we don't love them, or because we want to make their life more difficult, or we just want to be ornery and be in super control. We're setting the boundary because we want to protect our own hearts. We want to stay in a place of love for them and not feel anger or resentment towards them. 

08:29 

Now, I know that that sounds all sweet and lovely, and it would be awesome if we set a boundary like this and our adult child brought the pickup back the next week cleaner than they received it and full of gas. However, people being people, and sometimes children being children, there's a chance it might be brought back in poor condition. So now what? This is where boundaries test our resolve to have a healthy relationship rather than a struggling relationship. But remember, the goal with boundaries is to create a space where we feel we are being seen and heard, especially by ourselves, as we implement the consequence that we previously decided on. When we respect ourselves enough to follow through with the consequence that we decided, our self respect will increase and we will keep that space in our hearts open to feel love rather than resentment. 

09:33 

And even with all of that goodness on our part, setting a boundary can put the relationship at risk. If the other person makes it a personal issue rather than a business issue, they may respond with accusations of you not loving them, or "you don't want to help me," right? They may accuse you of being selfish and not considering them. If you're not clear on the fact that you are a parent doing your best and if you can't validate yourself in the space of not being the perfect parent, you will be more likely to cave at these types of accusations because you will frequently seek their validation that you were a good parent. And here's some amazing news. It will never be your child's job to validate your parenting. Some children may validate you and some won't. And when they do, it's great. But we cannot count on our children to validate that we did our best because often all they can see from their perspective is our huge flaws as parents, of which there were many for all of us. None of us were perfect parents. 

10:48 

Okay, that was a bit of a digression. So, let me get back to the boundaries piece, right? So, one of those common forms of resistance that we will get to boundaries when we set them is anger. Here's the hard truth about that. These people who get angry when we set boundaries think the world exists for them and for their comfort and their pleasure. They see other people as a way to get what they want in life. They have yet to learn that other people aren't there solely for their benefit. And this is a character flaw that hopefully will be worked out as life goes on, and especially as people have the courage to set boundaries on these people and not allow these people to continue to take advantage of and walk all over others. 

11:40 

So let's remember they probably came by that belief very honestly that other people exist for me. If we're talking about one of your adult children, it's likely that one or both of the parents did set healthy boundaries when they were children. Or, maybe not. Maybe they learned that behavior from any number of other people they interacted with growing up and they found it to be a way to make their lives easier because they can get people to do what they want. But even if they did learn it from a super permissive atmosphere in your home growing up, it doesn't mean you were a horrible parent. It means you were a human parent, one who was doing the best you knew how and no parent will give their children all of the tools to be an amazing, healthy, emotionally stable adult. 

12:30 

First, we often didn't have the tools ourselves, especially back in the 70s and 80s and 90s and early 2000s, right? These tools didn't exist, or they probably existed but they weren't ever talked about. And second, we just don't have the time, the energy, or the understanding to cover everything that our children will need when they are adults. There are things that we just have to learn once we become adults. And third, we cannot control how they interpret our actions and intentions from their childhood. Two children can interpret the exact same behavior in two completely opposite ways. One can think that the parents were abusive and horrible and controlling and the other one can say, that's how parents were, it's not a big deal, right? 

13:21 

So again, maybe your children came by the belief that they're entitled to whatever you have and to treat you and your items however they want. And they get angry when things are no longer that way because you're now setting a healthy boundary. But it's important to remember that their anger doesn't have anything to do with you. It has to do with their inability to respect other people's boundaries and to realize that they don't always get what they want, that you don't exist for them. In the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, they use this concept: "Nothing has been done to them, it's just that someone is not doing something for them. This is why people get angry. Not because something's being done to them, but because somebody is not doing something for them. Their anger is a 'them' issue and it can be difficult if they have not had boundaries set before. They are having to learn self-control for the first time instead of just being in control of others." 

14:26 

And sometimes that's a pretty steep and difficult learning curve. So it's okay if they get angry. It has nothing to do with you. The people who get angry when you start setting boundaries are the people who benefited most by you not having boundaries. Of course they will be frustrated when suddenly there are boundaries where there never have been before. And, without boundaries, the not-okay behavior will continue to manifest itself because the other person feels entitled to this thing from you, and it's how it's always been. They are used to being in control of your behavior, of you doing what they want you to do. And when all of a sudden you don't behave that way anymore and they don't get what they want, of course they're going to be upset and not know how to manage their minds and themselves at first. 

15:23 

So allowing them to be angry, realizing that it's their reaction that is the problem, not you setting the boundary, that's the problem. It can also be really helpful to realize that anger is just anger. It's generally not really a problem. It is a feeling that the other person is feeling, and unless they get violent or abusive, it's just anger, it's just them having an emotion. They can learn to manage it. It is theirs to feel, not yours to take on. You do not need to rescue them from their anger, meaning you don't have to start backtracking on your boundaries to manage their emotions. Stay in your own lane. You don't have to get angry back, and you don't have to fix their anger. You can be compassionate and empathetic to their struggle without trying to fix it by giving in or changing the boundary and the accompanying consequence. 

16:26 

People who struggle with maintaining boundaries, like if you set a boundary and a consequence and people push back with anger, we will often move into people pleasing behaviors. We might move into trying to rescue them from their difficult emotions or we may start seeking approval from them by changing the consequence, or we might become angry ourselves, but we don't have any anything to do with their anger. We don't have to change our game plan. We can just sit there in silence and let them brood. Their lane is figuring out their anger. Your lane is figuring out your discomfort surrounding their anger and their disapproval. 

17:12 

These people have also learned consciously or unconsciously to prey upon your fear of losing the relationship. So they will often make threats about what will happen if we don't acquiesce to their wants. Maybe they will sever the relationship. They might threaten divorce. Maybe they will withhold the grandkids. Maybe they will cut off sexual intimacy or give you the silent treatment by emotionally and physically disengaging, to name a few. Fear is a powerful emotion that we will often unconsciously give into, because the thought of having those types of things happen seems so extreme, and the opposite of what we really want. And yet our self-respect has foundations in us maintaining what is okay and not okay in relationships. It means that we have to learn to recognize the fear for what it is. It's just fear, and it is a form of manipulation. People who push back on boundaries in this significant of a way are generally masters at manipulation. 

18:21 

If you know that you're dealing with someone who consistently pushes back on boundaries, someone who has controlled you with anger or fear in the past, go into the situation prepared to stand strong against their pushback. Because you know them, you probably have a pretty good idea about how they will respond. Be prepared for that. Think about how you will respond to their anger or their displeasure, or possibly even their accusations of how you're horrible, or their threats of retaliation. Plan in advance your thoughts and your behaviors. "What am I going to think when they push back, when they say this, when they say this? What will I think?" You might plan to think, "of course they're getting angry. This is a consequence they aren't happy with." Or maybe this thought, "of course this is difficult. I haven't set this type of boundary before." 

19:19 

Going back to our example about no longer letting your adult child use your pickup. The next time they call or come over to ask to use it and you tell them "no," they might get angry. They might start accusing you of not loving them, or of not being Christlike, or whatever. I'm sure you would have a pretty good idea of how they would respond, but may not. Maybe it will surprise you. Just be prepared with thoughts such as, "of course they're disappointed not to be able to use the pickup to go camping this weekend. I would be disappointed as well." Depending on who you are dealing with, they may push and push and push against your boundary. They may try multiple tactics to try and get you to change your mind and so they can get their way. They may start bargaining. They may attack your character. They may try to make you feel guilty for their plight. And guess what? All of that is totally okay. Of course they're going to try to get their way, especially if those tactics have worked in the past. Their primitive brain is freaking out at not getting what it wants and it is going to employ everything that it has used before to get you to give in. That just makes sense for their brain to respond that way. 

20:36 

But remember, setting a boundary like this is business. It isn't personal. You aren't not letting them take the pickup because you don't like them, as they may accuse you of, but it's because it hasn't been taken care of in the past. That's business. If you want to use the pickup, this is how you treat it. And it's not that you don't want them to have a good life. It doesn't mean anything about how much you love them. Accept that you are setting a boundary to protect your love for them and not let resentment and anger take over your own heart. Also, when you can remember that this is the business part of your relationship with them, you can stay in a clear-headed space and not get angry in retaliation to their anger. Of course they  won't be happy with this boundary. And that's okay. 

21:28 

When you stay in the space of business, you keep the drama at bay. When we let this type of boundary become personal because we take their anger or accusations personally, then it will be super easy to lose our head and to start responding with anger. Our superpower in setting boundaries is to keep it business, to stay cool and level-headed, to be compassionate with their struggle in not getting their way, and to let them feel their own emotions without feeling the need to compromise what you want so that they will feel better. And realize that in some circumstances, you may need to physically distance yourself or engage in other limits to protect yourself. This could sound something like, "I understand this is upsetting to you and I know it puts a wrench in your plans. And yelling at me is not okay. If you continue to yell at me, I will leave the room." 

22:31 

So in this case, we have needed to set another boundary to protect ourselves from their abusive response, and that's okay too. But let's be honest, most of us will rarely have situations where we have to be so clear about boundaries and where we will have to set additional boundaries to protect us from some sort of abuse. Will that happen to some of us? Absolutely, but I can honestly say that I have never had to do that in my life. Now, I know I've been really, really blessed with amazing people, but I've never really had to set that sort of boundary. 

23:06 

But most of us will have a few choice people in our lives, of which I have had, who really want to make things work to their advantage, and will push against our boundaries and push and push until we need to set a clear boundary with consequences. And then we will need to stay strong to follow through with the consequences. When that follow-through is with someone we love, such as a child or a spouse, it can be really hard because in their anger or frustration, they may choose to end the relationship. When we are fearful that the other person will push back that hard, it is a pretty clear indication that a boundary needs to be set. But if we are living our lives, giving into things out of fear, we can go, "oh wait a minute, this is not healthy, I need to set a boundary here." 

24:03 

Setting appropriate boundaries is about being in control of yourself, making decisions that will help you show up, loving and kind and behaving from a place of compassion and kindness rather than a place of fear and resentment. Part of self-control is taking control of ourselves, learning how to love better, with more purpose and intention, being clear with yourself and with others what is okay and what is not okay. And keeping the boundaries and the consequences you have teaches you this self-control, and it can also be helpful in helping the other person to learn self-control as well, rather than relying on their skill of controlling others. 

24:51 

When a person has to learn to manage themselves, rather than learning how to push and push and push and control others, the other person may choose to leave the relationship. They may choose to talk bad about you to all of your people, or they may choose to just continue to push and push and make your life uncomfortable. This is a risk to be sure when we set boundaries. And sometimes we have to be willing to let people walk away when their behavior is not conducive to our own health and wellness. This is our responsibility in the relationship. This is when it is vitally important that we learn to set appropriate boundaries. Sometimes, depending on who we're working with, boundaries can be really hard. Most relationships, they're not, because most people are kind and loving and really want to be respectful. And some people just don't even know that they're behaving in inappropriate ways. So with those people, boundaries can be hard, but they are also the lifeblood of healthy relationships and being free to love wholeheartedly. 

26:18 

Learning to have appropriate boundaries with consequences when necessary is an amazing part of growing up. Here's the deal. We're all growing old. We may as well grow up while we're at it. Growing, learning, processing, progressing: this is growing up, and it's a brilliant part of middle-aged life. I love it so much. 

26:48 

Okay, if you struggle with boundaries, with whoever it is, it can be, we talked a lot today about with an adult child, but there's also very, very appropriate places in many marriage relationships where boundaries really need to be set with clear consequences. And if you need help setting boundaries, understanding boundaries better. For one, go back to my other podcast. I think the other ones are seven, eight, and nine where I talk about boundaries, and then I think the other one, I'm gonna get this wrong, I know, but somewhere around like 177. I didn't write this down before I got there. You will also find another podcast called "Better Boundaries." Okay, and then this one's talking about boundaries as well. 

27:37 

If you have more questions, drop me a line. You can go to my website tanyahale.com. There's a place called "contact me," where you can write me a note if you have questions about how this works. Also, you can set up a free 90 minute consultation on my website under the tab that says "free consultation." Okay, I love what I'm doing these days. I've changed those to 90 minute consults because I want a time to coach, and I love the opportunities. The people that call in or that set up appointments that I have an opportunity to coach for an hour and 15 minutes, I just think it's brilliant, and I'm enjoying it so much. Even those people who end up not hiring me as a coach, I still love the opportunity to show you your brain, to show you what's going on, to help you make some nudges to your trajectory that can make all of the difference. 

28:30 

So, if you're in this place and you need some help, go to tanyahale.com, click on the "free consultation," and let's chat. I would love, love a chance to coach you, and if it's a good fit with all the things and you want to hire me, I am all about this working with you and helping you get to a better place. I love my clients so much. I'm so honored that they trust me to help them figure these things out, and it is so brilliant to me to watch the hard work that they do to make the changes necessary to better their relationships, whether that relationship is with themselves or with other people. This is some brilliant work, and I am so grateful for the impact it's made in my life. I'm so in awe of my clients using these tools to make an impact in their lives. They do some hard difficult work and I just love being part of their journey. So check that out if that's something to interest you. 

29:38 

And if you have not left me a review and you are a loyal listener, my friends, this is how other people find the podcast. If this information is making a huge difference for you, please take two minutes to go on to Apple or Spotify and leave a review. The more reviews that this gets, five-star reviews especially, the more it gets popped up when people put in keywords looking for something along these lines. This is good information and it's changing lives. So if you love it, if it's changing yours, please take the opportunity to help it change somebody else's. 

30:19 

Okay. That's gonna do it for me. My friends. Love you. I love you. Thank you for being here thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you in a way that means a lot to me and hopefully use my experiences to help you move into the life of your dreams. It's an amazing world. It's an amazing place we are. Okay. I will see you next week. Bye. 

30:50 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!