00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 307, "Curiosity, Not Criticism." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. So glad to have you here with me today. Always glad to have you join me on this journey of figuring out how to grow up into stronger, better relationships, how to live more in alignment with the people that we really want to be. And I love this journey and it is work to be sure, but it is work worth doing. I promise you that. So good. 

00:46 

Hey, if you are interested in the couples coaching I'm doing, I do have one more slot. I was just opening up two slots for that because I'm brand new at it and it's going to be six free practice sessions from me because I'm not going to charge you for the sessions that I'm practicing. But what's going to happen is two people, as a couple, if you want to come in, both of you have to be engaged in wanting to do this, but each of you will get six individual coaching sessions for me. Those are the ones that you pay for. And then together we will do six additional free sessions where I will help you learn how to talk and communicate and apply the tools together so that you are learning these and figuring them out in your partnership. So I think it's going to be really, really great. I'm super excited for whoever this other lucky couple is who gets to do this with me. It's going to be some good stuff. So if you're interested in that, make sure you find a time that both of you can meet when you sign up on my website tanyahale.com. You can go to the "free consultation" button. Find a time that both of you can meet with me, and we will sit down and talk about all things, how this is going to work, and you can see if it's going to be good fit for you. 

02:01 

So that being said, also if you've not left me a review, I would love to have you do that. It's a really great way for you to thank me for the content that I put out and also a great way for you to pay it forward if this information is helping you. Leaving a review is a great way to help other people find this content and also sharing it on Facebook or on Instagram. Sharing it with friends, telling people about things that you're learning. Even if you can get a group of friends together who listen to it and then you get together and discuss it like a book group but have it be a podcast group. Such a great way to deepen your understanding and to dive deeper into the concepts here, because when you discuss it with other people you all have different ideas and you'll understand different things and you'll learn from it before. Great way to get more from this content. 

02:57 

Okay, and we're gonna jump in today. We're talking about curiosity, not criticism. So the longer that we're in relationship with someone and the more time we spend around them, whether it be a spouse or children or parents or siblings or even friends, the more we tend to relax into it and take that relationship for granted. So we start to let down our guard and not show up the way that we would really want to all of the time. The times where we might get a little passive aggressive and have a comment slip, become more frequent, we start letting ourselves get annoyed by idiosyncrasies and personality traits. 

03:35 

So I want you to notice that I said we start "letting ourselves," because it absolutely is a choice to focus on someone's small behaviors that we consider annoying, rather than on the incredible things that they also do. And notice that I said the "small behaviors that we consider annoying," because the behavior itself is neutral. It's our thoughts about the behavior that make it annoying. And from this place of annoyance, it can be really easy to start becoming critical. And if you remember criticism, one of John Gottman's Four Horsemen, is described as an attack on your partner at the core of their character. It's an attack on them, not on their behavior. So, for example, criticism would say, "you are so annoying," rather than "that behavior is so  annoying." 

04:24 

Now, we may not want to use either of those phrases when starting a conversation about someone's behavior, but you can see how one of those phrases attacks the person, which is criticism, and the other attacks the behavior, which would be a complaint. So attacking the person: "you are so annoying." Attacking the behavior: "that behavior is so annoying," okay? So criticism, or being told there is something wrong with you, is always a painful experience, especially when it comes from someone that you love and someone who we would want to have a safe space with. So when we are focused on the relationship circle, the "us" space, we will strive to be aware of how our actions either create a safe space or don't create a safe space for the other person. 

05:13 

And criticism will never create a safe space. When we are being told that there is something wrong with us, that will often trigger shame. If you're familiar with Brene Brown's work on shame, she identifies that that it is one of the most destructive emotions and it is triggered by the belief that there is something wrong with us. Criticism says that something is wrong with the other person and that is hugely problematic in a relationship, especially one that matters to us, because choosing to be in relationship means that we want to be choosing to create a safe space for the other person. And if we are not willing to do that, we have no business being in a relationship. If all we are doing is rejecting and hurting and dismissing and cutting down and berating and belittling the other person, then what are you doing there? Honestly, that is not the purpose of relationships. 

06:16 

The purpose of relationships is to build and strengthen and help one another. Now, I don't think any of us go to these hurtful behaviors and spaces intentionally. I think we get hurt or scared and our primitive brain goes into protective mode. And then from this space, we have seen criticism modeled for us our entire lives through our own parents, our friends, parents, television, movies, right? And our primitive brain has been taking notes our whole lives. So it knows how to respond when difficulties arise. So we unconsciously move into these behaviors, not aware that we are being critical and hurtful. And then we can't figure out what is so wrong. Sometimes we get that kind of sound in our brain when we engage this way, but it can be so easy to push aside because we don't see any other way to be heard and seen. We can only figure out that we have to say something, anything to protect ourselves and make us feel safe. And unfortunately, attacking another person can create a false sense of security, a one-up sense of security, which is not true security. 

07:27 

And yet most of us really, really want to be kind and loving people. We are striving to be Christlike in how we think and feel and what we do. And then sometimes even simultaneously we unconsciously engage in destructive behavior like criticism. And I get it. My previous marriage was a breeding ground for me being critical and not even realizing it. I was hurtful and unkind. And yet I was in such protective mode that I really didn't see it. I thought in most instances, I was just scared and protecting myself and being Christlike the whole time. I really thought I was, and so I would always just go, "I don't know what's wrong here. I don't know how to fix this. I'm being such a good person. Why can't he see that? Why can't he understand it?" And it's because in reality, I was critical and hurtful, and I was not exuding Christlike love even a little bit, but I didn't see it. My brain was so flooded with fear of being hurt myself. Remember, like the abused dog who is now safe, but still responding from a place of fear and protection. And when we behave in such hurtful ways, it's no wonder that our relationships struggle, and we are so disconnected with each other. We're both in our own corners, licking our wounds and terrified of the next attack. We always have our guard up and we interpret even benign or amazing kind behaviors as an attack. This was my MO in my previous marriage. I had no idea that I was being critical. 

09:14 

So another thing about criticism is that it escalates over time. It can start with little small thoughts like, "oh, he's driving me crazy." And I hear that all the time. And we're not talking about the good kind of crazy, right? We're talking about, "oh, he's annoying me. He's driving me crazy." Or we might be thinking, "oh, he's just so insensitive." Or ""I don't even think he's capable of love." Or "he doesn't love me," right? We can start off with little small thoughts like this. And they may seem like they're not a problem, but they are. Because then those thoughts create feelings of fear and anger or annoyance. 

09:52 

And if we put it in the thought model, then those feelings spawn hurtful behaviors, one being criticism. And it can happen so fast and without conscious awareness. And we don't even see it as criticism. We see it just as pain and fear and desperation to be heard. So do you see how complex this can get? Because we don't even see the behavior. We don't even realize that we're being critical. And all this without really understanding that it's happening. And so we're being destructive, we're being critical, and we don't even see it. So we don't even know to fix it. However, we will be very clear when our spouse or other person is being critical toward us. We can sense that a mile away. It's hard to miss when we feel we are being told that something is wrong with the essence of who we are as a person. That who we are is not good enough. That stings and it creates shame. 

10:56 

And when both people in the relationship are doing it, attacking the other person creating shame, the cycle just continues to spin and spin and spin. Both of us getting deeper and deeper in resentment, anger, fear, pain. And then we start to develop contempt for each other, which is another one of Gottman's Four Horsemen. So criticism is not something to be taken lightly. And if we want healthy, safe relationships, we have to get rid of it. So how do we do that? When we are in so much pain and fear, how do we increase our awareness of our criticism and slow the flow? Okay, that's such a good question because as mentioned previously, often we don't even see our own breaches of kindness. We can feel so justified in our own protective measures that we don't even question them. And this is why it can be so helpful to work with a coach, such as myself, who can lovingly point out to you where you are showing up with criticism. And not all of you are going to want to work with a coach, and I get it. 

12:01 

So here are some other ways to start getting rid of criticism in your communication with others. One of the first things you can do is to start paying attention to your feelings. Yep, we're talking about emotions here. When we are feeling loving and kind, we don't have a tendency to criticize. We do tend to criticize when we feel defensive, when we feel threatened or scared. Think back to the last time you didn't behave in a way that felt really good to you. A time when you got defensive and when you moved into criticism. Okay, so I want you to ask some questions. Where in your body was that feeling? Okay? Was it in your gut? Was it in your chest? Did you feel it like up in your throat? Did you feel it in your head? Okay, fine. Where in your body was that feeling? 

12:50 

Now, identify it as much as possible. Meaning, can you give it a size? Does it have a shape? Does it have a weight? What about a color? Does it have any movement or sound? For me, my defensiveness, which means I'm going to start behaving in critical ways, starts in my chest. And it feels like it's big and pushing outward like a balloon. I get that kind of pressure, but not a constricting pressure. For me, it's a pushing outward, right? So it's a dark gray. It makes my breathing shallow because of that pressure in my chest. And it feels hot. And the movement is buzzy. Some people will talk about pulsing or something like that. For me, it's like this fast buzz going on, right? And the heat starts to make itself upward into my neck and then into my face. And I feel just this hot thing coming on. 

13:41 

And once it gets to my head, basically, my prefrontal cortex floods. Remember, like the cars in the 70s and 80s that went on? it would flood if you gave him too much gas. And then all coherent thought is gone, right? This is when I start getting passive aggressive, when I start getting critical, and when I go into full-on protection mode. This is the place where I make accusations and even attack the other person. And it's not pretty, this emotional deregulation. And I don't think it is for any of us. But when I can become aware of how all this feels in my body, I can begin to pay closer attention to my emotions, to how my body is feeling, and use that as a gauge to know when to step back and reevaluate. Because at that point, I can know that criticism is on its way. So that's a preemptive strike. And if I can catch it early enough, I can slow my brain down. Okay? I can choose to stop right then and there, take a breath, right? I can intentionally start to step into curiosity. 

14:48 

Now, if the emotional deregulation has already started, I may need to disengage for a bit. But if I can catch it early enough, sometimes just taking that extra breath, which may seem like it's going to take a long time and seem weird in a conversation, but really it's just a breath that it takes for my brain to get back engaged the way that I want it to. And then I step into curiosity. So when someone says to me, "will you just stop judging me?" and I feel that defensiveness growing in my chest. I can take a breath and think, "okay, let's get curious." And then I might say something like, "oh gosh, I'm sorry. I don't want to be judge-y. Will you help me understand how I came across as being judge-y just then?" 

15:35 

Now, my natural primitive brain response would be something like, "oh, so now I'm the bad guy. Talk about who's the judge y one here," right? I might want to go into this really attacking response. And then see how quickly we can move into criticism. And you may want to say, "but they started it," to which I will reply as a coach, "we can't control how they show up, just how we do." So regardless of what they say, you still get to show up in a loving and curious way, which means pay attention to the feelings in your body, pay attention to what it feels like when you start that emotional deregulation, that's going to throw you into criticism. And then slow the flow, stop it, take a breath, bring yourself back. And so we seek to become curious instead. We ask for clarification and understanding. We find the truth and we acknowledge it. We apologize and we ask if we can try it again, circling back around. So that's one approach to becoming critical through curiosity. 

16:44 

So here's another. Think back to the latest disagreement or fight that you had with. somebody. Think back to the words you said. Now, you're going to have to keep your brain in check because it's going to want to give you all the reasons, the justifications, why you said the thing you said. And these justifications will be strong. But work to set those aside and think about the words you said. What are you seeing as you look back on that experience? What are you hearing? What could be perceived as critical? 

17:19 

Now, remember, "perceived" and "critical" can be two different things. There were probably things that you said as critical, but also what could be perceived as critical. Also, think back to the last time someone seemed to get annoyed with you and rolled their eyes or said whatever and walked out of the room. What did you say? How can you start seeing words that you say and understanding how they are perceived, how they are understood by the other person as being critical, okay? And if you're courageous enough, here's the biggest thing. This is the scariest part. You might just want to ask the people around you about your criticism, when you get critical the types of things that you say, what they perceive as critical. 

18:03 

When they start to share something, you're gonna have to keep yourself in check. Resist the urge to get defensive, okay, and say" oh, but this is why." Get curious instead if they share things with you. If you've created a safe enough space that they really will share things with you, you're gonna keep it safe by not getting defensive and being critical. You're going to keep it safe by taking a breath, getting curious, taking it in, really seeking to look at it. So your brain is going to want to give you all the justifications for why you said what you did when they tell you something. "I didn't mean it that way, i was just trying to help, i just need you to understand," It's just so hard for me, but resist the urge to defend yourself and give your side of the story. This is not the time for that. If you have asked somebody, then you respect them enough to let them answer without you jumping in. 

18:03 

So instead, ask them questions and then follow up questions and then follow up questions to the follow-up questions. Then circle back around. They have given you an amazing gift of awareness. So now it's your turn to acknowledge what they said, to apologize for it. In the circling back around process part of apologizing: "i'm sorry. That's not the person i want to be in this relationship," and then get back into alignment by saying "if i could do it again, i would (fill in the blank)." When you've created enough awareness around past behavior then you will be able to start gaining awareness, either when you are being critical or before your criticism comes out, or maybe just slightly after your criticism comes out so that you can circle back around more quickly. 

20:01 

When we can remember that it is not our job to tell any other human what to do, unless they're your boss and then it's only work-related behavior, then we can step back a bit from our helping behavior and step into curiosity instead. Curiosity is the cure for so many things that ail us and criticism is no different. Often we step into criticism when we do it's because we think we know better. We're getting judge-y about the decisions the other person is making or has made or we see it as our job to help everyone see things from a more efficient, productive, or successful way. Or might I even add, hypocritically, a more Christ-like way, right? And we're all hypocrites, just so you know. Every single one of us does this, right? We have this notion that we know what they need to do to live better, happier, more successful lives. And guess what? We don't. And even if we did, it wouldn't be any of our business. Their life is theirs to figure out. And when we think we know better, we can often and easily become critical of the choices that these other people in our lives are making. 

21:21 

And this applies in all sorts of relationships. So let's say that one of my adult children makes a decision that, from my perspective, looks like it will turn out disastrous in some way. Being critical would sound something like, "serious, that's what you're going to do? I swear I taught you better than that." Or maybe I would say, "have you really thought about this decision? Because it seems that if you had thought it through, you would not be taking this route." OK, on the other end, being curious would sound something like, "oh, I'm glad you finally made a decision. I know it's been a tough one for you. What finally tipped the scales?" Difficult to show up this way? Absolutely. Like one of the hardest things in the world to show up curious when our brain is screaming, "oh, danger, danger!" for them, right? 

22:13 

Learning how to manage our brains to get curious instead of critical is some serious, and sometimes very difficult, work. And yet if relationships matter, it is the course we have to learn how to take. In the first two examples, right, where I say something like, "serious, that's what you're going to do? I taught you better," or "really, it seems that if you thought this through..." right? What is their likely response in that? Well, if they're a fighter, they will come back and accuse you of never believing them, never loving them, never supporting them. They might jump in and tell you how you always think you're right, how you're hypocritical and judgmental, and then our protective walls go up and then the fight is on. Okay? If they are a flighter or a freezer, they will emotionally or physically disengage. They will shut down the conversation and refuse to answer any questions. They will quickly find a reason to leave and then avoid contact for some time, often even until their decision has gone into effect, so they don't have to engage with you about it again. They're going to avoid you at all costs. 

23:25 

Here's the deal. The other person is going to do what they're going to do. We can either love and support them in their journey, even if it's not the journey we would take, because then if things do fall completely flat, We will be a safe space to reevaluate and catch our breath because they know that we weren't judge-y and critical. And if their decision turns out to be a great one for them, despite everything that we thought we knew, all the better. That they have learned to trust themselves to make a great decision that may be completely different than what you would make. And you get a great reminder that this is their life, their journey, their experience, that's not yours. Same concept. 

24:09 

So we did that one with parenting, same concept in a marriage. Let's say your spouse decides to opt out of going to your extended family's reunion this summer. If you respond with, "you are so selfish. I always go to your family's reunions and you always seem to find a way to get out of going to mine. How could you do this to me again? I hate having to answer questions about why you're not there. You always do this to me," right? So, okay. If they're a fighter, their defenses will go up full force and they will start throwing back ways that you're selfish and times that you have not gone to something of theirs. And then guess what? The fight is on. Not so much about going to the reunion, but the fight is on because we've started attacking and criticizing each other. The fight has become about attacking each other, about criticizing each other rather than a discussion about going or not going to the reunion. 

25:03 

If they are a flighter or a freezer, they will shut down emotionally. They may start the narrative in their head that this is what always happens and "I always have to do what they say," and they will feel contempt and maybe even begin to stonewall because of it, right? And we find ourselves farther apart after this exchange with less emotional intimacy than before, which creates and layers on another situation to figure out together. Because now we're not just figuring out the reunion thing. Now we're having to figure out how to figure out the fact that we just attacked one another and criticized one another and hurt one another at a core level, and we've introduced shame into our into our relationship. 

25:46 

But if we respond to their opting out of the reunion by saying "okay, I know my family can be a bit much for you sometimes. What are you planning to do instead?" Or maybe we could respond with "you've always gone in the past and haven't mentioned any sort of struggle with going, so this surprises me. What's up?" We might even say something like "oh, I'm gonna miss you. I love it when you're there, and I get it too. Any plans for those days yet?" No passive aggressive statements, no trying to guilt them into changing their decision. We might even express our sadness that they won't be there, but we aren't criticizing them or their decision; we are respecting them as a person to make a decision that feels right for them, just as we want them to do for us. And if through our curiosity they open up a little and are a little bit more vulnerable about their decision, then our ability to know them has increased and our intimacy deepens. 

26:51 

Notice how pointedly we respect their decisions? We treat them as an equal adult who gets to make their own choices. We don't go into one-up or one-down behavior by telling them they're selfish or acting like a child, and we also don't go into one-down victim mode and go on and on about how they are not supporting us and they're ruining our lives. We take an opportunity to treat them as an equal, to support their decision and get curious about it. This type of response creates a safe space for them to show up as themselves, not having to pretend to be anyone different, not needing to pretend that they don't want something they don't. When either of us shows up pretending, we are decreasing our intimacy. 

27:42 

When we feel an impulse to move into criticism, slow down, take a breath, and ask a sincere question instead. This means we're not asking a snarky question to back them into a corner or a manipulative question to get them to change their mind. We are sincerely curious about whatever decision they have made or whatever comment they have made. Our goal in our relationships is to create safe spaces for people, not fake people who are trying to please or appease us. But places where people feel safe being themselves, saying what they want, having their own opinions, and when we can get curious instead of critical when they show up with different wants, needs, perspectives, preferences, and personality, we create a safe space where intimacy can grow and thrive. 

28:46 

My friends, step into curiosity as often and as much as you possibly can. It is the balm in our lives. It is what will help heal so much of our struggles and our hurts and our pains in our relationships. Curiosity is a huge part of growing up and growing up is awesome. Learning how to have these really intimate, deep, connected relationships is something that is available to us at this stage in our lives that I don't know that it was available when we were earlier, when we were earlier, when we were younger. At least it wasn't for me. I just did not have the perspective and the growth yet. So it's going to do it for me, my friends. Love growing up with you. And I'm so grateful you're joining me here on this journey. 

29:47 

If you are interested in talking about coaching as an option for you, you can go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can click on the "free consultation" button. And I'm doing 90 minute consultations. Now that may seem like a lot to you. You may go, "oh my gosh, I'm kind of nervous." Please don't be nervous. I promise you, I'm not a high pressure salesperson. Like I'm not a salesperson at all. I'm a coach and I love coaching. And so the 90 minutes is to give me a chance to coach you as well on your struggle, on what you're kind of figuring out in your life. And then that gives you some good information, some good data. Is this helping me to move in the direction that I want? Is this a place where I want to invest time and money and energy into coaching? I promise you it is an amazing experience to be coached. I love getting coached. I love the insight that my coach is able to give me things that I just don't see because it's my life and it seems normal. 

30:50 

And my brain has created all kinds of justifications for the behaviors that I engage in. I always love it working with clients when they just go, "oh my gosh, I never saw that before." And I'm like, "of course you didn't see it." Like, your brain thinks that that's okay behavior. Of course your brain's not going to put on an alert button. But as an outsider, I can see things that you are doing that are hurtful and painful to the people that you love. You know, I just think back to all those years in my marriage where I was just like, "I don't get it. I don't, I don't know what's wrong here." And I honestly didn't. I didn't see it. I could have used a coach to help me see where I was being unkind, to help me get out of my, my self-focused way and be more the kind of person that I really wanted to be. I just didn't see that I wasn't being, and that's what I get to help you do. Okay, my friends, have an amazing, amazing week, and I will talk to you next time. 

31:48 

Bye. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.