00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 301, "The Primitive Brain Problem." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hey there, everyone. So happy to have you here today. It is a cold, cold spring day in Indiana and after that month in American Samoa, my body is not very happy with the cold. I have such a diva life, don't I? You got to feel so sorry for me. Okay, I just want to remind you that I am doing 90 minute free consults. I am just loving these. At first, I wasn't quite sure if 90 minutes was going to be too much or not enough or what was going on, but I am loving them. I think they're just about the right amount of time to get some really good coaching in so that you can get a really great experience knowing what coaching is, how coaching works, and an opportunity to see some of your stuff in a way that you may not have seen it. I know I worked with someone last week who ended up hiring me and she said that she has been working with another coach for a year and a half and, just we're all different. Coaches are all different, but she said after that 90 minute session with me that she saw some things that were just mind-boggling to her and life-changing. And so happy that I could share that with her and help her see something that she was not seeing before, and something that will help her to make some changes in her life. So, love, love, love the opportunity I get to be part of your life on this podcast and the life of my clients in helping them on a more one-on-one personal level. Anyway, so go to tanyahale.com if you're interested in having a coaching session to help make your decision on whether working with me would be a good fit for you. 

02:10 

Alright, let's jump in today. We are talking about the primitive brain problem. So I talk a lot on here about our primitive and our prefrontal cortex brains, because how we think and where those thoughts come from is so important for us to understand if we want to start creating something different in our lives. So let's start with a really quick review before we dig in much deeper to the specific topic of today. So, there are several parts to our brain, but for the work that I do with y'all, the two parts that have the largest impact are our primitive brain and our prefrontal cortex, which is sometimes referred to as the thinking brain. 

02:46 

This prefrontal cortex, the thinking brain, is pretty amazing because it is what drives change in our lives. It is the part of our brain that can think and process intentionally. It works in the realm of problem solving and creation. When we are seeking to change patterns of behavior in our lives, we rely on our prefrontal cortex to engage and create something different. For example, if we want to change our eating or exercise patterns, we engage our prefrontal cortex to create new thoughts about food, new thoughts about our desires and our urges, and to get our body moving in the way that we want it to. If we want to show up with more intimacy in our relationships, we engage our prefrontal cortex to intentionally respond differently than our usual go-to, possibly flippant or dismissive responses. If we want to use our time more effectively, it is our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, that gets us off the sofa where we were binge-watching our favorite TV show and instead reading a book or organizing that closet or going for a walk or writing that book that you wanted to write for a long time. Our prefrontal cortex can see the possibilities in our futures, it can see what we are capable of and what our lives can become if we choose to engage in a certain way. 

04:07 

I like to think that our prefrontal cortex is connected to the spiritual essence of who we really are, our spirit, the part of us who sees our divine eternal capacity and craves growth and progress and movement along our path. So whether that's true or not, whether our spirit is connected to this part of our brain, I don't know, but I love that thought and using that thought can make it easier for me to listen to my prefrontal cortex when I engage that thought. 

04:39 

Our primitive brain, on the other hand, is also pretty darn amazing. It is the part of our brain that runs everything behind the scenes. Want to tie your shoes? It has an app for that. If you went through the process of learning how to tie your shoes when you were five or six, your brain has automatized that process so you don't even have to think about it at all. In fact,  you may have tied shoes on right now that you really don't have a lot of recollection putting on or tying this morning. Thank you, primitive brain. Do you have an itch on your arm or is your leg starting to fall asleep? You will find yourself scratching your arm or changing the position of your leg without any conscious awareness that you have done so or that you need to do so. Need to drive your car across town or across the country? If you've been driving for a lot of years, your primitive brain engages the "driving your car app" and you don't even have to think too much, about it unless you're going somewhere you've never gone, and then you're not thinking about about the process of driving, you're just paying attention to where to go. But this is why you can sometimes get to the store or to work or wherever else you go on a regular basis and not have any recollection of it. The turns, the turn signals, the gas, the brakes, the changing the lanes, the looking over your shoulder...the primitive brain just takes care of it. 

06:07 

Here's what our primitive brain is really good at: turning any repeated behavior into a habit or a patterned behavior that requires little-to-no mental or emotional engagement. It just takes care of so many things. That's an amazing thing, because if we had to think about every step along the way in our day, we would be exhausted by 10 a.m. and be done for the day. If I had to hear my alarm on my clock and then think "open your eyes, turn your head to the left, reach your left arm out," like if I had to think about all that I would be exhausted by 10 o 'clock, right? If every step, every move of my arm, every turn of my head, I had to think about. 

06:51 

So remember when you were learning how to drive? For me that was 14, because I grew up in Idaho, but for most of you it was probably 15 or 16. But after 30 minutes, you were exhausted because you had to engage your prefrontal cortex for every move, every check over your shoulder, every turn of the blinker, checking every mirror, how hard do I have to push the brake, how hard do I have to do the gas pedals. I actually learned on a standard so I was trying to figure out the the clutch and the gas and the the give and the go and every little piece we had to think about the entire 30 minutes. So after the 30 minutes, we were like "whoo that was exhausting," our prefrontal cortex uses a lot of energy. But now, because so much of that has been turned into a pattern behavior or a habit, very little of those things are on your radar. And when we have to engage our prefrontal cortex too much, it can get really tired. Sometimes we call that decision fatigue. It takes a lot of energy to have to intentionally engage our brain to think and choose what we want it to think about. 

08:04 

So here's some fun info about our primitive brain. It is motivated by three things, and in my coaching program we called this the motivational triad. It is motivated by conserving energy, by avoiding pain and increasing pleasure. So every decision that our primitive brain wants to push us toward, it is considering, "is this conserving energy or using energy? Is this increasing pain or avoiding pain? Is this increasing pleasure or decreasing pleasure?" This is how our primitive brain decides what information to bring to the top of our minds. Does it conserve energy, avoid pain, or increase pleasure? Turning everything it possibly can into a habit or a pattern of behavior is one way that our primitive brain conserves energy and avoids the pain of having to make a decision with our prefrontal cortex. This is amazing that our brain does this. But the fact that our brain does this also provides us with some challenges. 

09:07 

For example, I notice that when I want to pray or read scriptures, my primitive brain is saying, "oh girl, I know what you're doing, we've done this tons of times, let me put it on autopilot." And then I find myself reading pages with zero comprehension, even thinking about other things, planning the menu for the night, whatever. Or I find myself praying without focus, also thinking about other things, like trying to figure out how to do something. And then pretty soon I'm saying, "in the name of Jesus Christ," I'm closing up my prayer and I'm like, "whoa, I don't even remember the last 15 minutes." So because my brain has turned scriptures and prayers into a habit, it can very easily override the prefrontal cortex and take over the motions so that my brain can turn off of the process of doing those things and engage in other things. If I want those experiences to be meaningful, I have to work really hard to stay focused and keep my thinking brain, my prefrontal cortex, engaged. Otherwise, my primitive brain goes into energy conservation mode and it runs the app. And then I find myself a chapter into the scriptures going, "whoa, I don't even know what I read." Or, you know, saying amen and going, :I don't even remember anything I prayed about." 

10:34 

Just a reminder, before we start thinking bad things about our primitive brain, I want you to remember, it is doing exactly what it was created to do, to turn everything that it can into an automatic response, so it can conserve energy, avoid pain,  and increase pleasure. Here's another great thing about our primitive brain though. One thing it does for us is to collect and store data and bring it forth when it might be useful. Our whole lives, our primitive brain has been taking notes on things that we've seen and experienced and collecting data, so when we are presented with a new situation, our primitive brain has a store of info to draw from. It's just that sometimes that store of information isn't really great. It might be pulling from dysfunctional behaviors that we saw, possibly some morally corrupt behaviors or some societally inept behaviors. 

11:28 

For example, sometimes, when I'm driving down the road, I will see two runners coming toward me, and I'll think, "you know, if I just turn my wheel a little bit, I could take them out now." Now, that is not anything I would ever do, or even consider doing, nor, just to be clear, it is not anything that I have ever done. But somewhere along my life's journey, I came across the idea of someone hitting runners with their car, and my primitive brain, which has no right, wrong, good, bad, moral, immoral filter, will put it forth as an option. "Oh, here's an idea. How about if we take out those runners?" The exact same thing as stealing something from a store, or coming up with ideas of how to swindle someone. Not things that I would or have ever done, but my primitive brain is putting it in the Google. Right? It just pops up information from who knows where as possible solutions, and then I get to engage my prefrontal cortex and it gets to decide, "is that a viable option, or is it not?" if that thinking brain is paying attention, which it often is not paying attention. And so the primitive brain just runs an app, and we're not even aware. 

12:45 

So, now, things like I just mentioned, like hitting runners or stealing something from a store, are so far off of my moral compass that it creates a type of shock to my system, and my primitive brain goes, "whoa, what was that?" And I don't engage in the behavior, because I can consciously then make a decision that that is not something I would ever do, right? But there are other thoughts that come forth about behaviors I can engage in that are not a shock to my system, because I have seen them so much, whether it was watching my parents engage in that behavior, whether it was something else, and because it's not a shock to my system, it doesn't engage my prefrontal cortex, and I go into action without conscious awareness. 

13:39 

Some people lie a lot, and they've done it so much that when their primitive brain puts forth a lie, they really don't even engage and think, "am I gonna tell this lie or not?" They just do it, right? And so then we go, "how do we know whether they're telling the truth or not?" I think a lot of times they don't even know if they're telling the truth or not. Here's another example. When you were growing up, your primitive brain was watching your parents and other adults to take notes on how do adults behave. And now that you're an adult, those behaviors, even ones you might have detested at the time, became so normal to your brain that it doesn't shock your system that much. So, if you saw your mother using a lot of passive aggressive tactics to manipulate situations or people, when you get in a tight spot as an adult and your brain is searching for a quick solution, an easy solution, it will put forth passive aggressive tactics as a solution because that's what it's seen and that's what seems normal to your brain. It is a go-to response. 

14:57 

So here's what happens, the first time you respond with that passive aggressive tactic in your marriage, it might feel a little uncomfortable because it's the first time. But if it works and you get what you want, if your spouse modifies their behavior to do what you want, it will reinforce to your brain that, "oh, that's a good tactic." And the next time you engage in similar behavior, because your brain will then say, "oh, this was good last time, let's try this again." But the next time you do it, it's not going to feel so uncomfortable. In fact, you might even get a dopamine hit as your brain thinks, "oh, yes, I found something that helps me get what I want." And our primitive brain, because it doesn't have that right, wrong, good, bad, immoral, immoral filter, will go after anything that seems to work, and that is easy, that conserves energy, that avoids pain, that increases pleasure. And often what works right now, this second, is often very destructive for our relationships. And being destructive, even unconsciously, is a huge draw for our primitive brain. Destruction in our relationships is easy. And it makes us feel powerful, right? So that's a feeling of increased pleasure. and for that reason it's very tempting to our primitive brain. Power, control, finding something that works, all of that gives us a jolt of dopamine. And in this place our primitive brain is reinforced with the idea that this behavior is one that we want to keep engaging in. 

16:46 

Now, notice primitive brain is is not deciding whether this is right or wrong, right? It's just deciding what works, what doesn't work. And this is the thing most, if not all, of this decision making in our lives is happening in our subconscious primitive  brain. We don't even realize that we are participating in or reinforcing destructive behaviors. It's not even on our radar that that is not good behavior. And we're not even seeing that we're doing it. So, in that unconscious destruction we're engaging in, we might start to vilify the other person by seeking to align people to our tribe. We might say things, "ph my gosh, can you believe they said that? You would not believe what my husband did last night," right? So we start to do this. And again, there's kind of this unconscious drive going on to make ourselves feel powerful. We create a story about how we're the good person and they're the bad person. 

17:54 

And to be honest, it feels good to be the victim. When we are the victim, we don't have to look at ourselves and self confront. That's painful, right? So primitive brain avoids that. It also takes energy. Primitive brain avoids that. And we don't have to feel the pain of seeing our weakness if we don't see it. If we don't see what's going on, we just get to look for accomplices. We get to look for people to take our side. We get to create our tribe, engaging in gossip, talking about other people, looking for other people's negative traits. All of these fit into trying to find our tribe, seeking to be above or stronger or better than others, this one-up place, right? These can bring a false sense of power when we feel insecure or scared. Because when we feel insecure or scared, that fear response is so powerful that it often completely overrides the prefrontal cortex. And so we behave without our prefrontal cortex even knowing what's going on. Tribalism is at our core as humans. And of course, we want to gather our tribe when we feel threatened. And often we feel threatened when others confront us with our weaknesses, with our behavior that is unkind and hurtful. And then the primitive brain automatically goes into protection mode by engaging in defensiveness. This tribalism makes it feel good to see the other side being taken down and to feel as though we are being protected and that we are safe. 

19:41 

But it is harmful to our sense of self, our real sense of self, to continue to engage in this destructive behavior. In our more quiet moments, our brain will struggle with the dichotomy of thinking that we are good people, but also subconsciously having a quiet knowing that we are being unkind, even destructive to people that we love. And this can leave us with a really unsettled sense of who we are. It can leave us disconnected to our sense of self. Destructive behavior is just as hurtful to us as an individual, as it is to the relationship we are impacting. Constructive behavior is much harder and requires prefrontal cortex engagement, which means energy, which means pain, because we're going to have to see things that are hard for us to see. That means we get to employ a lot more self-control, which is not always pleasurable, and our primitive brain is resistant to this. And often we're not even aware enough of our destructive behaviors in order to move into constructive ones. We will tend to find our rhythm with these destructive patterns, and because we don't see it, we tend not to confront our role, or we might feel that screech that we've talked about before, right? That sense in our brain that, "whoa, something is off," that screech, but it feels threatening to slow down and to look at that screech. So we just stay focused, we don't turn our eyes, we will want to stay blind to the destruction we're causing. 

21:26 

This distorted reality about ourselves and other people makes us shy away from self-confronting, from really taking a good look at our destructive behavioral patterns, and keeps us just moving forward in what we're doing. Our primitive brain will tell us that seeing our weaknesses, our destructive behaviors, will be too painful, and so it disengages, it avoids, it looks away. Here's a fascinating piece. The pain that we experience when we engage with looking at our destructive behaviors, the pain doesn't come from the weaknesses in us. The pain actually comes from how we treat ourselves and how we think about ourselves when we see the weakness. What's important to realize is that the weakness, the behavior, is the circumstance, the neutral circumstance. How we think about it creates the pain. 

22:29 

When I see a really destructive behavior in myself, if I start beating myself up over it, that is what's painful, the self flagellation. If I can get curious and figure out what's behind the unkindness, it's much less painful because I'm also stepping into compassion. I'm problem-solving how to move forward in a different way, and that feels powerful when I start problem solving. Problem-solving moves me into the hero role. We can't problem-solve when we're victims. Now this doesn't mean I'm not going to feel bad for past behaviors that have caused pain, but what's happening is I'm not layering shame and guilt and cruelty onto the sadness for those behaviors. I will feel sad or bad for those behaviors. But I'm not adding on shame and guilt and cruelty and all that other stuff, right? So it becomes much more manageable to confront because I'm just dealing with the sadness. 

23:31 

Stepping into a peacemaking role, someone who will be honest with themselves and honest with others requires a lot of prefrontal cortex engagement, but it is also what will move our relationships forward and into healthier patterns. Okay, but peacemaking requires a lot of energy from our prefrontal cortex and so our primitive brain resists it. It resists having that honest conversation. It resists doing the own your own. It resists doing the circle back around because it uses energy, it can feel painful, and it does not increase our pleasure. So our primitive brain resists, resists, resists, right? The primitive brain resists all of this kind of movement because it requires self-confrontation. It also requires a change in thinking, in processing, in behavior, and all of that requires energy and being willing to experience some pain, things that our primitive brain doesn't like to do. 

24:37 

However, even small, incremental shifts will change the trajectory of our destructive behavior. First, we have to be willing to take an honest look at either what others are telling us, or when we hear that inner screech that something is off. It can be so easy to hear that screech and ignore it, not be honest with ourselves, or it can be easy to have somebody else tell us something. And our primitive brain go-to is to get defensive when someone shows us something, or it is to ignore the screech, right? Because it doesn't want to see it. It knows that when we turn our head, when we look at that thing, we're going to have to confront it. And that's going to take energy, it's going to create pain, and it's going to reduce our pleasure. But remember, when we feel defensive, almost always it's because there is some truth to what is being said. So defensiveness is a huge clue for you that your primitive brain is running the show in a way that you don't really want it to run. Look at what you're getting defensive about and honestly ask yourself where the truth is. Your primitive brain does not like to see the truth because it means change, it means energy and pain and lack of pleasure, and it will fight for the status quo even if it is not in your best interest long term. Your primitive brain will go for what is familiar and comfortable every single time, even when your prefrontal cortex knows that it's not what you ultimately want. But allowing your prefrontal cortex to see and address the truth is key. 

26:29 

We have to intentionally engage our prefrontal cortex often in these situations. Now, when someone tells you something about yourself, there may be 98% truth in what they're telling you, or there may only be 6% truth or even 1% truth. But either way, the truth you encounter is a gold nugget for you in knowing how to create more of what you really want in your life. When we can address that gold nugget, when we can see it and understand it and address it, that is where the growth is. So don't be afraid of the truth. I love that the scriptures teach that the truth will set us free, and that is absolutely true in this context as well. Really seeing your raw and honest self, your behaviors, and how they impact others is a precious gift, even if it can be somewhat painful to address. Recognizing that our behaviors have been painful to others is something our primitive brain wants to ignore every single time, but it is the only path to personal growth and the only path to connectivity and intimacy in our relationships. When you attain this new level of awareness, ask questions, seek to understand, and get curious about the behavior. "When does it happen? How often does it happen? What are your deeper thoughts surrounding your behavior? Why do you believe you act that way? What fears are surrounding your behavior? What pain is surrounding your behavior?" The more you can figure out what is going on, the easier you can address it and move from primitive brain responses into prefrontal cortex responses. 

28:24 

When we talk about showing up the way that you want to, we are talking about showing up from your prefrontal cortex because your primitive brain can struggle with long-term healthy behavior. Remember that your primitive brain doesn't care about tomorrow, right? Doesn't care about next week, doesn't care about next year. It wants what is most comfortable right now, this second. Primitive brain is an ornery thing. It is a loud and persistent thing and generally doesn't slow down or quiet down about what it wants until first steps are made to do what our prefrontal cortex wants instead. So this is important, I want you to understand this: making the first step to doing what our prefrontal cortex wants is one of the quickest ways to settle our primitive brain down a bit. When that early morning alarm goes off, generally your primitive brain will give you a really good reason not to get up and do the thing you had planned. "You know, I'm still tired. We can do it later. You woke up several times last night. We didn't get a good sleep. It's really not that important. We can do it tomorrow," right? You've all heard your primitive brain put forth these kinds of arguments. And when we start negotiating with our primitive brain, it ups the chances that it will win. The percentages go way up that primitive brain is going to win. Negotiating sounds like two voices talking back and forth in your head, discussing the decision. Primitive brain is trying to talk us out of it, and the prefrontal cortex is giving us reasons we should stick with the decision that we made last night to get up early. 

30:03 

I know for me, once I start the negotiating process, generally I'm doomed. If, instead, the alarm goes off and I just get up, or if my primitive brain engages and said, "oh, I'm just so tired. Let's just lay here for five more minutes." And I respond with, "nope, getting up," and then I get up, I shut down the protest pretty darn fast. Taking the first step is empowering and is, for me, probably guessing 80% of the process of me actually doing the thing I want to get done. Stop negotiating. When I stop negotiating, my prefrontal cortex gets empowered. So the first step, whatever it is, to doing what you want to do creates momentum to do the thing. And it lets the primitive brain know that it's been outdone this time around. But here's the thing I love about our primitive brain. It doesn't get mad. It doesn't get angry. It doesn't throw a fit. But here's what it does: it just starts looking for the next opportunity to conserve energy, to avoid pain, to increase pleasure. The more we argue or negotiate with our primitive brain, the more decisions we have to make, and the more likely I am to hit decision fatigue, and then fall prey to my primitive brain the rest of the day. 

31:23 

So let's just give a number. Let's say that you have 50 good decisions in you for the day before you hit decision fatigue, and then your willpower, or your prefrontal cortex ability to think and process gets out. Well, what if I use 20 of those decisions just arguing with myself to get out of bed? That's crazy. What if I just use one? What if I'm just like, "nope, getting out of bed, here we go." Do you see what that's going to leave me for the rest of the day? I start to create this momentum. I start to create this listening to my prefrontal cortex and choosing to be the boss of me. 

32:05 

So let's say I decide I'm only going to have a day with no sugar snacks. There's one decision, easy. Okay, and maybe I make that at night before I go to bed. I say, "okay, tomorrow no sugar snacks." I make that decision. So the next day I'm up and about and the first time my primitive brain suggests that I eat that cookie, I have to decide again. Now, if I hang out and negotiate with my primitive brain, I am making that decision over and over and over with each new argument that my primitive brain puts forth. So that's going to use up, what, 5, 10, 15, 20 of my decisions for the day? I think 50 is probably a low number, but that's just something I put out there, right? But if I answer the first suggestion when my primitive brain says, "that cookie looks so good. We should eat it," and I just say "nope, that's not on my schedule for today," and then I walk away or I turn away from the cookie and I engage my brain elsewhere...that's only having to make one decision. Until, of course, the next time my brain thinks of a cookie. However, the more consistent I am with sticking to my original decision and not negotiating, the more my primitive brain learns that negotiating about the cookie isn't a productive thing and it will start to back off and not ask so frequently. 

33:25 

Sometimes this takes days. Sometimes this takes weeks, right? It will still ask. I could not eat a cookie for 300 days in a row, and day 301 my brain might see a delicious looking cookie and go, "we should eat that cookie." But by then my prefrontal cortex has gotten pretty good at saying "no, we're not going to eat it. That's not even an option." It probably doesn't even require a full decision-making point at that point, right? 

33:55 

I'm realizing for me that being on top of my primitive brain is a full-time job and one that I'm not always really great at. And I don't think any of us are. I think it takes a lot of work and a lot of practice to get really good at being the boss of our brain. But when I engage my prefrontal cortex and pay attention, I show up much more often the person I really want to be. And it is a lot of work. Gosh darn it, we're humans. We're gonna mess up. We're gonna make mistakes. We're going to let our primitive brain run the show. There are times I just get tired and I think, "I just want to say what I want to say in the tone of voice that comes easiest." Right? There are times that I'm just like, "I just want to put it all out there. I don't want to have to own my own. I don't want to have to circle back around. I don't want to have to watch my tone of voice here." And then I remember that actually I really do want to do those things because I don't want to be unkind and harsh and hurt others. 

35:05 

Now, will it happen? For sure it's going to happen. All of us are human and we are all working this process all the time. I don't think our primitive brains will ever stop pushing for what conserves energy, avoids pain, and increases pleasure. It's just not going to. What I do get to do is strengthen my prefrontal cortex and her ability to stick to a decision, to not engage in negotiations, and to create momentum by moving on things quickly. And all of this takes so much practice and paying attention to what both parts of our brains are thinking. Awareness is the first step. So now that you've increased your knowledge base on what's going on inside your head, you get to start increasing your awareness around those voices in your head and choose intentionally. You're going to make a lot of mistakes for the rest of your life. But if you make less and less  and less over time because your prefrontal cortex gets stronger and stronger, that's what we're after here, my friends. Not perfection. Just little baby nudges here and there to help us become more the person that our prefrontal cortex really wants us to be. 

36:26 

Courage up and growing up. That's what we're doing here, my friends. You have got this. You've got this. And I've got you. Keep showing up here. And if you're ready to do some one-on-one work to just fast track what's going on for you, go to tanyahale.com. You can click on the "free consultation" tab at the top. And share this with people so that you can have conversations with your friends about what we're talking about and about how to show up more the kind of person you want to be and support each other in your growth process. Okay, that's going to do it for me. Amazing stuff, right? I love this kind of topic and I love relationships. I love the work that I do with you here on the podcast. And I love the work that I do with my clients. Just so amazing that I get to be a part of your journey. Thanks for letting me in. Keep showing up, keep doing this work. I promise you it is worth it. It is so worth it to do this work. Have an awesome, awesome day, my friends, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

37:38 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.