Tanya Hale 00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 300, "The Second Year of Our Second Marriage." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of dreams...we choose to create it. This Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

Tanya Hale 00:22 

Okay, hey welcome the podcast today. I am so glad you're here and have a very, very special surprise for you today...Sione is here today! 

Sione 00:32 

Hello, everyone. 

Tanya Hale 00:34 

Aren't you always glad when he comes on? I am. I think it's really fun. So today, the day that this podcast comes out, is our second anniversary. And it is number 300 as well. And so this is a pretty special, like double special kind of thing for us. And we thought that we would do a podcast entitled "The Second Year of Our Second Marriage." Last year we did one called "The First Year of Our Second Marriage." But here we go. We're going to talk about some things that have become more clear to us, some of the things we've been able to clarify and understand and learn better here in our second year of marriage and show you how these tools that I teach are impacting our relationship and how they're showing up for, for us. And I know that you always get my viewpoint on them, but I thought it might be kind of helpful as well to get Sione's viewpoint and see what he thinks and feels about all of this touchy feely yummy stuff. 

Sione 01:31 

Alright. Let's jump in. 

Tanya Hale 01:32 

Okay. So one of the first things that we talked about that came up for u when we talk about what are some of the big lessons that we've learned this last second year. We talked about how our old patterns of behavior, like super old patterns, 20, 30 years even, keep coming up. Shocker. What do you want to say about that, Sione? 

Sione 01:55 

Yeah, I was surprised that things from my childhood and also things from my first marriage, those patterns of behavior would sometimes come up when the situation made my brain think that this was a good idea to go back to that old pattern of behavior. It was just weird because I would look back later and think, "why did I go there? That doesn't make any sense. I haven't done that or thought that for a long time." So that was just kind of weird that things would keep showing up again, even though I'm in a different marriage. 

Tanya Hale 02:30 

Yeah, but it makes total sense when we understand how the primitive brain works and how it develops these adaptive coping mechanisms in other difficult situations that we've seen and that we've done over our lives, or even situations that we just experienced or that we've seen our primitive brains back there taking notes, right? Going, "Oh, that's how adults behave. Oh. That's what we do." And it just gets these thoughts and these behaviors entrenched in our brains. So, yeah, we've had situations that have come up multiple times in marriage. I mean, I guess there's this idealistic part of us that thinks, "Oh we can just deal with this situation once and it would be done," but not so, right? 

Sione 03:11 

Right. Right. So I think for me that I like to chastise myself and beat myself up when I'm in these situations, I think, "oh, I know better. How can I do this again?" So just offering myself a little bit of grace and saying, "hey, that's a deep-rooted pattern of behavior. You've been doing it for more than two years, you're not going to get rid of it in just two years." And so, just giving myself some of that grace to make the mistake and as well as the grace to say, "oh good, look at what you noticed. You noticed that. Amazing. Now you can work on changing it." 

Tanya Hale 03:49 

Yeah. I think a phrase that has worked well for us has been, like if I catch myself in an old pattern of behavior, I can say "oh, that's a previous marriage behavior. That's not a Sione problem. This has nothing to do with you. It has to with my patterns of behavior." And I think that that helps us to be really clear with each other that, okay my behavior is not because of you, it's because of me. It is because of my patterns. And I also think that not only grace for ourselves, which you've talked about needing to do that, but also offering grace for each other to continue to have these patterns show up, and to continue to say "of course it is going to come up. That's our nature is humans, is to have these patterns that continue to show up and continue to go up." And we just get to continue to be aware of them and talk about them and put them on the table and then circle back around. Take that opportunity to say, "listen, I recognize that this pattern came up again. I see it. I want to acknowledge it that is not the person I wanna be here in this relationship. Can I try it again? Or if I could do it, again, this is how I would respond." 

Sione 05:03 

Yeah, as we've talked about, this is just part of growing and so we're going to fail at it sometimes and we are going have to circle back around. Or as you talked about last night, view the carnage and go, "man, that was a terrible plane crash. No circling back around on that one, we just need pretend like it didn't happen...and if we could do it again, here's what we would do." 

Tanya Hale 05:18 

Yeah, yeah, I think that acknowledgement to each other is part of that space that helps develop more connection and more intimacy between us, is this space that says, "listen, I see what I did. I see that that was hurtful, or I see that this was not okay. And this is what I would do to change it." I mean, if it does end up being a plane crash, right? We can say, "this is what I wish I would have done instead." Or we can say "can I circle back around and try that landing a second time?" And I think the victory for us is recognizing the pattern, recognizing it when it comes up. It's not a failure to still have these patterns. It is actually a victory when we start to recognize the patterns. Of course the patterns are still going to be there. They've been there a very long time. For many of us some of these pattern have been around since our childhood and and they're not going to go away overnight. Some of them may never go away in our entire lifetime, but learning how to be aware of them and call them out and address them, I think that's the victory. 

Sione 06:36 

I think the failure would be pretending like they don't exist. Because that block one's growth and block one from moving into more vulnerability in a closer level of intimacy by pretending like it didn't happen. 

Tanya Hale 06:57 

Yeah, and so I think when we can learn to put this stuff on the table, rather than just ignore it and go on, which was a pattern for me in my previous marriage, "let's just ignore this and go one," that does not create an intimacy. It's this space that puts it on a table that says, "oh look, this is what I see, do you see it too? Do you see how I behaved and what I did? And I don't love that this is how I'm showing up." 

Sione 07:25 

It's interesting how you're saying, "do you see how I behaved?" You're not saying, "I think you are in an old pattern of behavior. You're behaving terribly!" You are not talking to me about my old pattern as much as I am talking about you. 

Tanya Hale 07:42 

Right, well I think that's a healthier space to be, right? Like it's your job to figure out your patterns of behavior to see what's going on for you. Now, situations may come up that they get discussed and we talk about them, but really it's your job to recognize and manage and figure out your pattern to behavior. It's my job to figure it out mine. 

Sione 08:03 

And knowing your own response to the issue. 

Tanya Hale 08:06 

Yeah, absolutely. Alright. The second thing that we came up with that continues to grow and build for us in our second year of marriage is the "no back burner issue" concept. And I still get people when I teach this who go, "serious, like, no back burner issues ever? Like, I mean, you really mean that we're supposed to talk about everything." 

Sione 08:29 

Yes is the answer to that question. 

Tanya Hale 08:31 

How come? 

Sione 08:33 

In our relationship, it is really easy to bring things up because we routinely check in with each other, "are you having any back burner issue?" And, and it's not adversarial and it is not like, "oh yeah, you're driving me crazy." It's, "actually, I do have a back burner issue. Let's look at it. Can we look it together?" kind of a thing, so that we collaborate on it and it's not me telling you all the things that you are doing wrong, or vice versa. And just by, you know, putting it out on the table, even if we haven't worked it out yet, even I haven t figured out what exactly is going on, I can say, "look, I'm just uncomfortable with this situation. I am uncomfortable in how I behaved in this situation," whether it's at work or at church or here at home or with kids. And, and I haven't figured it out yet. We can just put it on the table and start to pick it up and tinker with it and figure out what's going on with it. And that just really creates a nice space. But yeah, there really are no back burner issues. Like, we just don't let them sit there. 

Tanya Hale 09:38 

Yeah. And I think it's so beneficial because it keeps the air clean. Like there's never any resentment that's building up that is going to blow at some point. That's not to say that we don't have some difficult discussions sometimes and we don t address some challenges that we have. But it does mean that they're always addressed and they are always addressed quickly before we had a chance for them to grow into something big and huge. It's like that little weed: it's easy to pull up when it's only two inches tall. You can do it with two fingers, but if you ignore it and ignore it, pretty soon it takes a shovel and a good amount of effort to dig that weed out of the garden. 

Tanya Hale 10:18 

So I think one thing that I've realized for me is that back burner issues were difficult for my at first. It was hard for to have a voice. And not because it was you, but because that was my pattern of behavior, was being quiet and being the peacekeeper rather than the peacemaker. And it was a space where I didn't know how to bring up things and as that has been our rule and as I have, boy, just sometimes taken a deep breath and dug into it, for my sake, not because of how I thought you would respond but but just because it was so hard for me, I've been met with so much compassion and so much curiosity and just a space that says "listen, it's okay like we're just gonna talk about it. We've just gonna see it." And I've never brought up anything and felt resistance and anger or frustration from you. There's always just been this curiosity, and help me understand, help me see, let's get into a better space here. And so that, for me, has created more and more safety in our relationship so that I feel like I can put things on the table. Because as soon as I do, it's not you looking at it and judging me. It's you sitting down and scooching around to sit in your little bottom next to mine so we can be cheek to cheek and we discuss it, and come up with something collaborative. It never feels like a you versus me problem. It always feels, like, "oh, this is an us thing. Let's talk about it." And even if it is something that I need to figure out on my own, I always feel like you've my back in doing that and that there's just so much acceptance in that space. 

Sione 12:02 

I think we both model that. 

Tanya Hale 12:06 

I think we're doing a good job with the back burner issues. 

Sione 12:09 

Or the lack of them. 

Tanya Hale 12:10 

Or the lack of them, right? I will say one thing, though, that has been interesting for me with that is oftentimes things come up for me that I don't even realize there is something going on. And Sione kind of made reference to that a little bit earlier, that this happened just earlier this week, that a situation came up and afterwards I was like, "I don't really know what's going on here but I am feeling myself pulling away emotionally. I feel myself wanting to distance myself from you and I don t really understand it." And this was this is within three or four minutes of the ending of the situation and you were just so great at saying, "oh, well, let's talk about it like what was going on?" And as you asked me questions I was able to figure out that, oh, my pattern behavior of going into a one-down position, this place of "oh you're more important than me, your time is more important," I don't know... I still drop into that behavior sometimes. And I didn't even see it at the time and I  appreciated that you moved into this space of just so much curiosity and so much acceptance of me struggling with this feeling of wanting to pull away, that it allowed me to figure out that "oh look at this, I was putting myself in a one-down position. No wonder I felt uncomfortable. No wonder i felt like I needed to distance myself," because my brain is like "whoa whoa, protection protection," right? We gotta be okay here. So I really appreciated that that in that case, though I didn't even really understand the full gambit of what was going on with what I was feeling, you helped me to figure that out. 

Sione 14:04 

Let's be fair. I'm the one that put a circumstance in your, I mean, they caused those feelings, but yeah. 

Tanya Hale 14:10 

But it taught me something really important about myself. It taught me my own propensity to go into one-down, and I need to see that. I need to understand that because if I'm going to show up as the equal partner that I want to be and that you want me to be, I can't be going into that one-down place. And I didn't even see it, I don't recognize it until after. But now it's on my radar and now I'll be more aware of it, which I appreciate. 

Sione 14:34 

Two human beings are going to bump into each other every now and again. 

Tanya Hale 14:34 

What? Yes, we are! Okay, let's talk about the next thing that we've kind of figured out. There is an "us" space. And in other ways that I've talked about this, we talk about the relationship circle, this space for us. And I think as I looked back on my previous marriage, I see that I showed up in that relationship's circle thinking that it was about 90% about me and about 10% about him. And that's just not how that relationships circle works. You know, I don't walk in there saying, "this is all about my feelings, my safety, my wants, my needs. This is all about me." And it also shouldn't be the other way either, because that automatically puts us in that one-up or one-down position, right? 

Sione 15:26 

I think, yeah. And I think men are in a lot of the, "well, look, I'm the one that has to go to work and I am the one that makes the money. And so I get to decide, I get the final saying how we spend money," and we put ourselves in that one-up position because of where our society puts us. 

Tanya Hale 15:45 

Well, and that's what I think all of us were taught back in the seventies and eighties, right? Was that, you know, the man's going to work hard. He's gonna do all this and he's gonna have the final say. And I was literally taught that growing up. 

Sione 16:00 

Right. And so that's where men get in their 90% is, yeah, "my 90% is that I get the final say in money. I'm the one that gets to go to work outside the home." I like it better when it's 50-50. 

Tanya Hale 16:18 

Yeah. Yeah, and I think it takes some some mind-bending to kind figure that out sometimes a little bit. I know a lot of my clients that I work with, when we talk about equal partnership, they're like "uh?" and I say "well, okay, so in this situation, we've now figured up your one-up or your one-down thinking. What would equal look like?" And most of them are like "I have no idea. I don't even know what equal would look like." Like, we just don't even see it and recognize it. And the "us" space, when I envision in my brain, like this relationship circle, and half of it is you and half is me, it helps to clarify for me what needs to be happening there. All the things that I want are probably pretty similar to the things that you want. I want to be listened to, I want you to to do kind of loving things for me, I want you to express kindness. I want you to be affectionate, I want you to carry your weight like that, to be an equal partner, to show up doing things and taking care of things. And is there anything there that I mentioned that you don't want? Or is that all stuff you want as well? 

Sione 17:26 

I would love to have all that stuff as well. 

Tanya Hale 17:26 

Right so if I want that and I'm showing up saying "this is all about me, I get that 90% of the time, and you get that 10," that's not an equal partnership. Anyway, so I think as well in this "us" space, one thing that we talked about that we've noticed is that when we feel safe in the "us," when both feel like we matter equally, like when they're 50-50, I have seen my personal  growth increase. And you said you've seen that for you as well, right? 

Sione 17:57 

Yeah. I think I'm allowed to let those defensive walls down a little bit and be vulnerable. And it's in that vulnerability that I truly get to see my deepest self. And then if I don't like what I am seeing, then I have the opportunity to change it. But if I just keep that door closed and never open it, I never see those parts of myself that I do not like or that do need changing. Because I'm not showing them to you either. And I'm not even showing them to myself. But because I know it's safe, I can bring something out and say, "hey, look what I found in the closet. I don't even know what this is, but I don't know that I want to keep carrying it around anymore." And it is a safe place for us to talk about it. And where did that come from? And what does it mean to you? And all that kind of stuff. A literal and figurative sort of way. 

Tanya Hale 18:43 

Yeah. And sometimes it was a new experience. I knew just this last weekend we were doing some work outside and, And you know, we were doing a project and putting things together and you would start to do it one way, and I would say, "I'm not sure that that's going to work. Like let's look at, what about this? And what? About this and what, about putting these pieces together?" And you would go, "oh yeah, you're right. I see that". And you made a comment to me later on in the day that, that you said, "you know usually I do this stuff by myself and I get to make these mistakes all by myself. And nobody sees me making these mistakes. It's really vulnerable for me to be doing these projects with you and have you seeing my mistakes". But that's the "us" space, right? And I hope you felt safe in that space. 

Sione 19:34 

Yeah, I mean it was uncomfortable, but it wasn't that I felt unsafe. I just didn't like that you got to see me make mistakes 

Tanya Hale 19:41 

Yeah. You know, we're just not used to that sometimes, that vulnerability. And anyway, so I think that that's where our personal growth can increase, I think a lot, when we feel the safety to really be known, to show our whole selves, put it out there, and realize that our spouse gets as much space in that circle as we get. So, alright, you want to do the next one? 

Sione 20:11 

Sure, so one of the shows that we really liked watching was Ted Lasso and Ted Lasso has a phrase, says to one the players after he makes a mistake, he says, "I want you to be a goldfish," and the player initially doesn't understand. But he talks about how goldfish have really short memories. And so after that circle back around we've tried to make it a good practice to to be a goldfish. So the first attempt at landing is gone. And it's in the past and it doesn't matter because now we look to the second landing and there was success there, or the third landing, and there was success there. So, the fact that there wasn't success the first couple of times is okay, because we had a successful land. And that is what we celebrate. We celebrate that the landing, the things that we've learned, the growth that we've made along the path of things that we learned as we circle back around. And even sometimes the second and third circling doesn't work, and so it's like "oh it's still not exactly how I'd want to show up, so can I circle background one more time on that?" And try again and again. Just celebrating that that was a nice way to land, "I really like that landing," you know, and we focus more on that than we do on the fact that it took us however many tries to give there. 

Tanya Hale 21:32 

And that doesn't mean that things aren't brought up from the past that need to be cleaned up. Sometimes things happen and we don't realize the impact that they have until later on. And sometimes we do need to bring up things from the past, not because they're back burner issues that have been festering, but because all of a sudden it's a puzzle piece that fits in the current situation of what we're trying to figure out. We had that experience just last night talking about something fairly serious, and my brain pulled out a couple of pieces of information that I was like, "oh, wait, I see how this piece fits into it now." I hadn't been festering on those situations, but all of a sudden I could see them in context and get a more full picture of what was going on for me and why the situation was such a struggle. 

Sione 22:22 

Well, our brains also really like closure. So when we get that puzzle piece to fit in just right, or we make that landing and not let something sit on the back burner, but circle back around and get it, our brains just love that. And so it helps us to put the other stuff that happened before that in the past, versus if we don't have that closure, then things just simmer in back burner and they become back burners. 

Tanya Hale 22:46 

Yeah, but now that we've had a good landing, we can let all that stuff go and not keep bringing it up, and I think both of us do a really, really great job at not bringing up past failures. We may still be processing things sometimes for, you know, a week or a month or maybe a couple months, right? We may still processing and bringing them up for that, but we're not bringing to beat each other over the head. We're still trying to process and get closure on it. 

Sione 23:13 

Right. Because we had a success. 

Tanya Hale 23:15 

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I that that's one thing that we are good at, is celebrating the growth, not dwelling in past mistakes that we each make. Want to do this one? 

Sione 23:29 

Sure. The next one that we identified as a positive thing from our second year is really stepping into that being collaborative, working together on things. One of the things that I noticed was that even if I had my phone out and present, that it took a certain amount of attention focus away from us and there was still some little back part of both our brains about that phone. And so collaborating together and saying "okay, the fact that your phone is out during dinner is really bugging me," and the fact that I'm like "well, I need to have access to phone because sometimes emergencies happen from work and I need to be able to respond in a timely manner." And then us to get collaborative about how are we going to rectify this dilemma of having dinnertime being "us" time and also knowing that there are some things that we can't step away from completely in this world. And I thought that was really, really good. We've done that with not just, you know, the phone, that was a more specific example. But also affectionate, touching, as well as money. And, money, we've been really patient with ourselves. We're still sorting out the bank account situation and, merging the money together, it's just been a little bit of a process for us. So getting really collaborative about it rather than saying, "look, this is how we're going to do it," and being open to other suggestions that we've been really good at. 

Tanya Hale 25:08 

Yeah. And I think for both of us coming into a second marriage in our fifties, we've had to be patient with the process and realize that everything is not going emerge overnight. We've had, you know, between two full households, me having a house full of furniture, you having a household of furniture, to separate sets of bank accounts, to different sets of kids, all of this stuff, for us to get collaborative on that has been, and continues to be. a collaborative process as we really start figuring out. So being collaborative on all these things is not a one-time event. It really is a process for us figure out how to merge two lives that were both full of all the good things. And not just stuff, but people and processes and patterns and all these things that both of us had going on. Learning how to merge all of that has required that we really scoot our butts around, sit cheek to cheek, and talk about it and collaborate with it. We've had some challenges in that area, but I think we are doing a pretty darn good job. 

Sione 26:21 

Yeah, I mean, just some simple things. It's like, how are we as a family going to recognize birthdays? Because I think how your kids and you recognize birthdays is different than how my kids and I recognize birthdays. And just kind of work those together. And little things that you never think of that you gotta merge together. 

Tanya Hale 26:44 

Yeah and i think the fact that we have really tried to put all those pieces out on the table and talk about all the things, rather than just getting frustrated that you don't understand my point of view, I really make sure that I talk about my point-of-view and put it out there. And I think part of the collaborative process is when we're talking about something, one of us will say, "well, this is what I'm thinking. Tell me what your point-of-view is on that, tell me, what you're thinking about this." And really trying to give both of us an opportunity to just put all out on the table. Because when it's all out and we scoot around into that collaborative space, then we can say "okay, how do we merge all of this together? How do create one big hole from all these pieces?" And sometimes all the pieces will fit, and sometimes most of them, and some times only a few of them, to get to a point where we feel like we are in a collaborative space with as many of those issues as we can. But communication and really not being afraid to put the piece, put our wants, put out needs out on the table, I think has been a huge key. 

Sione 27:49 

Yeah, I agree for that. 

Tanya Hale 27:52 

Alright, the next one is we have really tried to pay attention to our defensiveness and our curiosity. 

Sione 28:02 

Yeah the cure for defensiveness is curiosity, right? But whenever one of us starts to feel defensive about the comments the other person is making, we've establish a new pattern of behavior for both of us, which is, "huh, I wonder why I'm getting so defensive about that? Where's the truth in that comment? Because there must be some set of truth in there, so I wouldn't be upset about it. This wouldn't be bugging me as it is." So really stepping in to curiosity about, "hmm, where's that defense that's coming from? Is it warranted? Am I being under attack? Or is this old pattern a behavior or is there some truth in there that I don't want to acknowledge about myself that i need to examine?" 

Tanya Hale 28:50 

Yeah and I think that truth, if we can look for it and if we see it, I mean when people accuse us of things and we get defensive... it doesn't mean that what they're saying is 100% true. But if we feel defensive, it's always in our best interest to say, "huh, I wonder why? There's probably some truth," and maybe there is only 3% truth in what they tell us about, but that 3% is a gold nugget. That's where we're going to see what we can do to clean up and to show up better and to be more the kind of person that I want to be in this relationship, is in that small nugget. And I think most of us, our primitive brain response is to get so defensive and say, "yeah, well you do this" or go into some other posture of defensiveness. And if we can really learn to just go "oh you know what, you're right, I do get worked up when that happens," and then move into that curiosity, right? That space of "tell me more about what you're seeing about my behavior. When do you notice it? How often does it show up? Like what are my big responses?" And maybe even ask them more about, "why do I do that? You're saying that I do this behavior. Tell me more about it." 

Sione 30:10 

Yeah, I think one of our marriage therapists in my first marriage, talked with me about my biggest issue. And I was, at first, it was like, "okay, I don't know where she's getting this from, but whatever." And then I was talking to a friend at work about it, and she said, "Oh, yeah, you're one of the most controlling, passive aggressive people I know," and I felt very defensive at that moment, obviously. But then I thought, "hmm, I have two people that I go through, and I respect both of them a lot, coming out with this. And i'm feeling really defensive about it, maybe it's because there's some truth in there that i need to start paying attention to." So, that was really eye-opening for me and be forever grateful for both my colleague at work as well as this marriage therapist who was unafraid to just be really blunt about what was going on." 

Tanya Hale 31:12 

I'm grateful to them too. Because of their honesty with you, you did some pretty hard work and I love this person who's gone through all this work. 

Sione 31:22 

Thanks. 

Tanya Hale 31:22 

I'll be grateful. Alright, here we go. The next thing that we came up with is this space of truly, truly caring for each other. 

Sione 31:34 

Right, like wanting other person to have the best possible life, all the good things, not just so that I can sit back and go, "yep, I'm giving her all the good things." You know, poking out my chest a little bit because I am so great about that. And really putting myself in a one-up position because you are living the best life. But just to say, "wow, I really care about her and I really want her to feel like she's living her best life." 

Tanya Hale 32:03 

Yeah. And I think for me in my previous marriage, my one-up thinking with this was I would do things that were outwardly caring, but I did them so that I could put myself in a one-up position and say "see? See how much better I am than you because I'm doing this and this, and this?" And that was my motivation behind the caring behaviors and they were just caring behaviors. They weren't caring feelings. It didn't start off with this thought that said, "oh gosh, I just love you and I want you to be loved like nobody has ever loved you before. I wanted you have the best life that anybody has ever had. I want you to just think that you are living the lottery here." 

Sione 32:50 

And that doesn't mean fixing me or me fixing you. Right? That just means how can I help you accomplish that goal for you? Because as you know, from my perspective, it'd be like, "well, look at all this stuff I'm giving you, you're living the best life ever. Why aren't you appreciative of me?" You know, and that didn't work out so well the first time around. 

Tanya Hale 33:17 

Yeah, that's why I think getting into this space where we truly care for each other and I really care that you have an amazing life. 

Sione 33:27 

It's pretty darn good. 

Tanya Hale 33:28 

You know I, really care. And I feel like you care the same way for me, that I just have a really great life and that our motives from that are are because we love the other person, not because it's self-serving in some way. 

Sione 33:41 

Yeah, not to boast about our own efforts to help the other person, but just so they can enjoy it. 

Tanya Hale 33:50 

Yep, and the last one. 

Sione 33:52 

Ah, that our relationship is a miracle. It's a gift. Especially for us and all the stuff about how we met and how things came together and how we felt about each other from really the very beginning and going through all those hundreds of questions together and just realize what a great miracle this is that we get to spend the rest of our lives in eternity together. What a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. 

Tanya Hale 34:27 

Yeah, in October we had the opportunity to go and be sealed in the temple. And we've always felt like this is just a miracle that we come together. This is so amazing. When we went in, the sealer pulled us aside and he was like "as I've thought about this, you know, even before I met you, I just kept getting the feeling that this is a miracle. That this relationship is a miracle." He didn't even know us. 

Sione 34:58 

He did not know anything about us except our names. 

Tanya Hale 35:01 

Yeah, and we have felt that way from the beginning. So when I think about that and then I ask the question "if this really is a miracle, if this is a gift, how do I want to be here? What kind of person do I wanna be? How do I want to show up for us?" And that is great question to help me remember that I wanted to manage my mind. There are days where I'm just like "I am so tired of paying attention into what my brain is thinking. I just wanna say what I wanna say in the tone of voice that it comes out in," right? Like there are times where I'm just like, "I am tired." And then I think, "but no, this is too precious of a thing to waste and to squander." 

Sione 35:47 

Or to treat it lightly. 

Tanya Hale 35:48 

Right. And so even at those times that I just think "oh, just tired," I think "and this the most precious thing. And I want to protect it. And want protect us." 

Sione 36:03 

I think that's true whether you're two years in or 20 years or 50 years. It still just can be really a precious gift to have that kind of relationship" 

Tanya Hale 36:15 

Yeah and even if you are struggling, think about the shift in the trajectory of how you show up if he were to start thinking that "this really is a gift to me." 

Sione 36:29 

Right. And maybe that one to two degree change in heading make all the difference. 

Tanya Hale 36:35 

Yeah I think we're in a good place. 

Sione 36:40 

So far. 

Tanya Hale 36:42 

So far. We're still doing a really really good job and these tools, tell you what, they wor! We use them all the time. 

Sione 36:49 

All the time. 

Tanya Hale 36:50 

And we talk about them a lot. Not just that we apply them and use them, but we also talk about them. And try and figure them out together. And I feel really blessed that I have a partner who loves these concepts and these tools the same way that i do. And that as we discuss them, talk them about, and then figure it out more, and figure out how to apply it in different ways, I think that makes a huge difference for us and I know that not everybody gets that. Not everybody has a spouse that loves to talk about these tools and loves to be self-reflective in the space that you and I do. But I just feel like this is a gift. I felt like it's a miracle. 

Sione 37:34 

Yeah. And I think that both of us were in relationships before where we didn't treat it that way. At least I know I didn't. 

Tanya Hale 37:42 

I didn't either. 

Sione 37:44 

Yeah, and seeing how that went. And how difficult it was to go through the divorce situation for both of us, and all the work that we had to do, and the heartache and challenges. How great is this to get to build this relationship from the ground up, having all of the proper tools, knowing when things are out of line. It was pretty, pretty miraculous, really. 

Tanya Hale 38:17 

It is. Our little miracle. 

Sione 38:19 

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Do we kiss on camera? 

Tanya Hale 38:22 

Oh, yeah, let's do a kiss on camera. Okay, so those are some of the biggest things that we have been able to draw upon during the second year. Anything you want to say as we close up, Sione? 

Sione 38:40 

I'm looking forward to seeing what year three looks like, because I thought year one was pretty good, and year two was was better than year one, and I just keep wondering how we're gonna keep topping it. 

Tanya Hale 38:56 

We'll figure out a way. We will. It's a good place. Alright, my friends, that is going to do it for us today. Thanks for joining us. I hope that there were some helpful tidbits in here for you. And this is the process of growth: just one little tidbit at a time. We just see it, we figure it out, we implement it, and we change our trajectory just by one little teeny tiny nudge. But if we do that every week, and every week over the course of a year, there's 52 little nudges there. That's a lot of space. It's a lot of growth. And these relationships we have in our life are the most important things that we have. And if we can learn how to really care for them and nurture them and take care of them. 

Tanya Hale 39:43 

And if you're single and divorced, learning these concepts, understanding them so that if you ever choose to be in a relationship again you can start implementing these and applying these. They work. I went a lot of years learning this stuff without having somebody to practice it on. But learning it helped me to clean up so much of my stuff and figure out the way that I really wanted to show up. So whether you're married or single, this is good stuff. Tools that are going to help you move forward and be healthier. That's going to do it. Have an awesome, awesome week, my friends, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

Tanya Hale 40:22 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to learn more about life coaching and how it can help get you to your best self See ya!