00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 298, "Friendship in Marriage." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you here. We are just going to jump right in today. We are talking about friendship in marriage. So I know that when most of us got married, we were good friends with our spouse and we couldn't ever imagine them not being our good friend, our best friend even. And then what happens? Like, we just get so distracted with stuff. And we're going to talk about some of those things today because friendship is so vital. 

00:55 

Now, if you've listened to this for a bit, you know that I've referenced before Dr. John Gottman and I love his work. And if you're not familiar with who he is, he's a relationship researcher who studies what makes successful marriages. He developed a place that came to be known as the Love Lab, where he watched and documented the interactions of thousands of couples, collected tons of data, and with that data, he can watch a couple for 15 minutes and predict with 90% accuracy their marital status in five years. Isn't that phenomenal? Dr. Gottman says that the secret to a successful marriage is in the small interactions rather than the larger ones. And I want to share with you today one of the great pieces of Dr. Gottman's work that is an underlying piece of successful and happy marriages. So, I love when he says that it's the small interactions. If he can watch somebody for 15 minutes, he's not looking at huge interactions. He's not looking at big grand gestures of love. He is looking at how we interact, and with those small interactions he can make that 90% accuracy whether a couple will be married in five years or not. 

02:11 

So I'm going to be sharing some quotes and ideas from his book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Brilliant book if you have desire for a good marriage book to listen to. So here's the first quote I want to share from Gottman. He says, "at the heart of the seven principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately. They were well-versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out."This quote begs the question for me, how do we really get to the point that we have mutual respect and enjoyment with each other's company? Where are we able to enjoy a deep friendship? How do we get there? Or we used to have it. How do we lose it? 

03:21 

So many couples I see and work with are operating from a place of tolerance. They just tolerate each other, often with an eye roll or with passive-aggressive comments to each other or to other people in the room, even, such as their children. For example, if your husband left a plate on the end table and then got up and left the room, you could say to your child who is in the room, "if I didn't have to spend so much time cleaning up after your dad, I'd have time to watch the grandkids once in a while." Notice the one-up mentality that accompanies this statement. That's what tolerance does. It looks down on the other person and places us in a superior space of being "better than." We might be thinking, "I'm better than him because I clean up the dishes from the family room." Any time we move out of equality and into either one-up or one-down, we are breaking down the possibility of a good friendship. Friendship cannot exist in one-up or one-down. 

04:22 

The first point that Gottman brings up is, how well are you staying connected? This is one of the first ways to have a good friendship. Are you staying connected? Now, of course, this will look different for every couple, but how are you connecting throughout the day, throughout the week? If you are able to text or talk frequently throughout the day, do you? Do you check in on each other when you know something significant is going down? Do you text to see how their doctor appointment went? Do you send good vibes before their presentation and then, afterwards, follow up to ask how their  presentation went? You engage in kind gestures toward each other in the course of the day. For example, if you're getting yourself a drink or a snack, do you check in with your spouse to see if they would like some as well? If you are stopping by the store on your way home, do you text your spouse and say, "hey, do you need anything? Is there anything that you would want?" Do you consider your spouse's wants and likes when making decisions? 

05:23 

Here's just kind of a funny and fun friendship story from growing up. In high school, my best friend Michelle and I were getting ready to take a small senior college road trip. I knew that she liked plain M&Ms, so when I went to the store to buy treats for the trip, I got a big bag of plain M&Ms, even though I really liked the peanut ones better. Just FYI, I'm not really an M&M fan anymore, but back in the day, the peanut ones were my jam, right? Meanwhile, Michelle had gone to the store and bought a big bag of peanut M&Ms because she knew that I liked those better. So when we got in the car, both of us were excited to give the other what we had bought and we laughed the whole trip about how we both ended up getting the kind of M&Ms we really liked because we had bought them for each other. 

06:13 

So this is the same kind of sentiment that is at the heart of a good marriage relationship. Although they're not huge romantic gestures, they are actions that say you are thinking of the other person, you're prioritizing the relationship, that their happiness and wellbeing matter to you. And this builds the foundation of friendship in the marriage and allows for more romance and passion. So how are you staying connected? How are you considering your spouse's wants and likes? Check in with yourself, see how you're doing. Can you up your game here? If so, figure it out, do it, step into it. 

06:53 

Okay, a second point that Gottman brings up is that great friendships are based on assuming best intent. Now he's gonna call it something else, but I think assuming best intent, we've talked about before here on the podcast, and I think it's easier for my brain to wrap around. So here's what he says about this, "friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial towards your spouse. Keeping the friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life, we experience what is known technically as positive sentiment override, or PSO. This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings. It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to have a positive expectations about their life together and to give each other the benefit of the doubt." So what Gottman calls "positive sentiment override," I call "assuming best intent," meaning when something happens that can seem unkind, we naturally move into giving our partner the benefit of the doubt. 

08:11 

If we ask an innocent question and they respond with a bit of an edge to their voice or don't respond at all, we don't assume that they're mad at us. We don't assume they're just being a jerk. We will assume that either they have something else going on that would cause them to respond in that tone of voice or they just don't respond because we assume they didn't hear us. This is in opposition to what psychologists such as Gottman call negative sentiment override, where everything is interpreted in a negative manner where things are seen as a personal attack or slight. So, I refer to this as "assuming worst intent." When our partner doesn't respond to a question we ask, we assume they are ignoring us on purpose rather than assuming they didn't hear us. Healthy and happy friendships flourish in an arena of assuming best intent. If we're not protective of this and consistently working toward keeping the friendship alive, we can very, very easily begin to slip into assuming worst intent. And as the irritations creep in, as the resentment grows, as the anger builds, we move more and more into assuming worst intent and then all of those things get worse. Okay? Remember that our brain sees what we tell it to look for. And if we tell it to look for how our husband is a jerk, it's going to find some pretty compelling evidence. If we tell it to think about how our husband is so great, our brain is going to find evidence that our husband is so great. 

09:50 

So, we're going to take this back to the thought model and show you how it works. What we think becomes what we create. So, let's put something in the thought model to show you this. So, circumstance: husband didn't respond when asked a question. Thought: "I hate it when he ignores me. He's such a jerk." Feeling: annoyed or angry. Action: what action is fueled by that feeling of being annoyed or angry? We might feel hot. We might yell his name or yell at him, accuse him of being a jerk. We might shut down emotionally. We might physically walk out of the room. The end result: we end up ignoring him. We hold a grudge. Notice our thoughts started with, "I hate it when he ignores me," and our end result is that we end up  ignoring him. Notice that your actions now are going to go into his circumstance line. 

10:46 

So if we take the action of you yelled at him, you accused him of ignoring you, you shut down emotionally and physically leave the room, right, we're going to take those and put them in his circumstance line and then he gets to have thoughts about him. So if he is also in the mode of assuming worst intent and you engage in those actions, he might think, "she is always on my case." He might feel irritated or angry. That irritation, anger, is going to fuel actions like shutting down, yelling something back at you, accusing you. The end result then is that he then is on your case. He starts off with, "she's always on my case," and he ends up on your case, right? So this starts a vicious cycle of assuming worst intent, back and forth and back and forth it goes. 

11:36 

And it can slip into our relationship so subtly, so quietly that before we know it, our sweet newlywed experience is splattered with accusations and attacking verbiage. To have a strong, healthy and happy relationship, it is important that we really work at assuming best intent. And really, when you think about it, even if your marriage is difficult right now, most likely your spouse isn't trying to hurt you on purpose. They aren't out to get you or to make your life miserable. We just get caught in these awful patterns of thinking and behavior that are so destructive. So pay attention to your thought patterns. Do you assume best or worst intent more often? If you're in a space of assuming worst intent, chances are that you don't even realize it. You are unconsciously attributing some of your spouse's behavior to intentionally trying to hurt you or annoy you. Instead, when we choose to move into assuming best intent, things change for the better. 

12:46 

So here's a thought model on this. Same circumstance: husband doesn't respond when I asked a question. Thought: he must not have heard me. Right, like best intent, "oh, he just didn't hear me." The feeling that creates: I had a hard time with that because for me, the feeling would just be neutral. Like, "oh, that just happened." Like I can just accept that that's what it is, without being upset, right? I just feel neutral. And that feeling then would fuel an action of, I might walk over and touch his arm or say his name to get his attention before I ask again. Having a positive, loving tone of voice. The end result: I am then in a place to see and hear him. Right? And I create a safe space for him as well. When we really do assume best intent, that our spouse isn't trying to hurt or annoy, that they just didn't hear or they have something else on their mind, it is so much easier to act in alignment with the kind of person that we really want to be. 

13:54 

And that is a way that builds friendship and mutual love and kindness rather than putting it all in jeopardy. When we create this place of positive feelings toward our spouse, we enter into what Dr. Gottman calls "attunement." And this comes from a mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level. So attunement is a level of connection that helps us to feel bonded to each other and it makes our friendship more resilient and offers us a more positive hope for our future together. So as we move in this arena of assuming best intent and creating attunement, we are able to acknowledge each other's perspective, at least to some extent, even when we disagree. We are concerned about our partner's feelings and experiences. We feel empathy for them, and we have a high degree of trust in them. This trust continues to add to the ability to assume best intent. And it all just continues to spiral upwards, creating more trust, more attunement, deeper friendship, assuming best intent, it all just keeps going upward. 

15:01 

And the opposite can be true as well. When we easily assume worst intent, we struggle to see the other person's perspective and to offer them grace. We struggle to feel empathy as we are feeding our story a diet of accusations and anger. And from this place, we find it almost impossible to see things from their perspective, and we very easily move into only being concerned about our own feelings and experiences, and we negate theirs. And this is a place where we are both so hurt, so angry, so upset, and all it seems we can do is blame, accuse, and attack. This is the place where we come to believe that our partner is inherently selfish, that they don't care about how we feel, we think that they are overly concerned about getting their own way, and we become convinced that the other person isn't on their side and doesn't have their back. 

15:53 

This is the space where we become adversaries rather than advocates, where we become enemies rather than allies. In this space, a sense of trust dissipates, and we are left in a space of fear and pain. We start to act in small ways that further betray the trust of the other person. And then as Gottman has shown in his research, here's a quote, "betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship." We're not talking about the huge betrayals, such as having an affair or gambling away all  of your money. We're talking about the small betrayals that say we choose something or someone over our partner. Go back and listen to episode number 285, "Trust and Betrayal" for a deeper dive into this. I believe it's in that same podcast, 285, that I referred to Gottman again, talking about the sliding doors, which is a big part of this as well. We're not going to talk about it today, but that would be a good one to go back and listen to. 

16:59 

Here's the thing. Even in the best of friendships, there will be misunderstandings and differences of opinion and humans being humans. We will do hurtful things. When we are able to assume best intent, we recognize that because we are humans, hurtful things will happen, even in the best of relationships, but we are able to create a space of grace and allow the other person to circle back around. This "assuming best intent" is a huge piece of what makes friendships work. 

17:33 

Alright, so Dr. Gottman talks about another piece of deep friendship necessary for a successful and happy marriage, and this is how the couple works to repair damage when it is done. So we have talked a lot about this here on the podcast when we discuss circling back around. So Gottman says, "the success or failure of a couple's repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder. And again, what determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship." So being friends isn't just a nice thing in marriage. It is essential if we are to have a successful and happy marriage. 

18:20 

One thing I love about how Gottman presents the repair piece is that he shares how couples will often diffuse the tension in a difficult discussion. And it's not even whether your conversation style is quietly discussing or whether it's yelling loudly or whether it's anything in between. It is about how we communicate during the difficult discussion, not the decibels. So Gottman calls this repair attempt, meaning any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. So the example that he shares is of a couple who have a very different opinion about what kind of new vehicle to buy. Their discussion gets louder and louder. And Gottman says that if you were watching them, you would start to have serious doubts about their future together. He says, but then "all of a sudden, Olivia puts her hands on her hips and in perfect imitation of their four-year-old son sticks out her tongue. Since Nathaniel knows that she's about to do this, he sticks out his tongue first and they both start laughing. As always, this silly contest diffuses the tension between them." 

19:30 

So the key point that I draw from this is that the couple values the friendship so much that they don't let things get out of control. They don't harm the relationship in the process. of their having a difficult discussion, and they find a way to connect during the disagreement that reminds them that "we're on the same team here. We're not adversaries." In Tanya kind of language, we hear the screech and we stop to repair and clean things up. We put the relationship above our own ego of wanting to be right and get our own way. And we step into the relationship circle, we scoot your butts around the table, we sit cheek to cheek, and we seek to find a place of collaboration. 

20:16 

Okay, do you hear all those dogs? So I actually am recording another podcast here in American Samoa, and they have dogs here like crazy. Like, they don't belong to anybody. They're just dogs that keep breeding and keep growing and up wild. They're not feral, but sometimes they're a little bit scary. They'll chase you, but they're everywhere. There's like so many dogs here, it's crazy. Anyway. So continuing on with the conversation like we were talking about like like sitting cheek-to cheek like finding this place of collaboration, right? So we all have our own unique ways of de-escalating the conversation and we want to make sure that it's not from a one-up or a one-down position, but it's from a place of equality, a place that says "we both want what matters here. Let's set our egos aside and put our relationship first. Let's focus on our friendship. Let's put this at the forefront of this discussion. The relationship will come first." And I love that, let's let's find a way to de escalate these issues that are coming up. Let's talk about them. Let's let's find a way to not let it get out of control. 

21:27 

Okay, in the very last piece I'm going to talk about that Dr. Gottman talks about how friendships create more successful and happy marriages. It has to do with the fact that we don't just get along, but that we "support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together." So our purpose in relationships is to create a safe space where our partner is not likely to feel isolated or lonely in the marriage. A place where we show up in a way that is easy for them to feel our support, our encouragement, our love and our commitment. Most of the arguments in marriage really aren't about what car to buy or where to live or about who is doing the dishes tonight. Most arguments are about deeper struggles with feeling insignificant, with not feeling seen or heard. So about this Gottman says, "once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage. Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind, but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage." 

23:07 

So, in another of Gottman's books, he states that the percentage of arguments that cannot be resolved is 69%. So, this space of really learning to accept the other person for who they are, for realizing that getting along is not about walking on eggshells and keeping the peace, understanding that is fundamental to our friendships, it's about embracing who the other person is at their core, not expecting them to change to appease us. It's about honoring their agency to make the choices that they want to make, and learning to have meaningful, respectful, engaging conversations around the differences. I think sometimes we just get distracted. We take our eye off of the end goal, which is a deep, intimate relationship with this person. We start slipping into "assuming worst intent," and then that is all we can see, even when they are never trying to hurt or dismiss us. Our brains start seeing what we are telling it to see, like the Subaru, right? 

24:10 

It's so important in this and all friendships that we calm our primitive brain when it wants to freak out and go into protective mode, and start blaming, accusing, attacking, and looking for worst intent. We get to intentionally choose to move into best intent, and when we do, we will be right most of the time. Most of the people in our lives don't intentionally want to hurt us or dismiss us. They don't want to destroy the relationship. All of us are acting from patterns of behavior that are often dysfunctional. Often these patterns were developed in our youth, and we're all having to figure it out and work it out and clean it up. When we can give people in our lives and ourselves a safe space to do this, we develop deeper and longer lasting friendships. And when it comes to our spouse, this friendship we are creating is the foundation for the most meaningful relationships in our lives. 

25:11 

So if things are tough in your marriage relationship right now, I would invite you to take a look at how you are showing up as a friend. Are you just tolerating them, coming from a one-up position? Or are you stepping into equality and feeding your friendship love and kindness? Are you putting forth the time and the effort that building a relationship requires? Are you getting distracted with your own life and responsibilities that you aren't prioritizing this relationship, not just with time and effort, but with your thoughts. Are you assuming best or worst intent more often? 

25:46 

If you find you are weighing heavily on the assuming worst intent, check your thinking. Nudge it more in the direction of assuming best intent. When you catch yourself thinking worst intent, tell yourself, "no, that's not true. He's not trying to hurt me. He must have something else he's thinking about." Your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions. Learn to pay attention to your thoughts so you can show up more the way you want to in building your friendship with your spouse. Assume best intent. Are you stepping into repair attempts, not letting things spiral so out of control that you behave in hurtful, unkind, and even hateful ways? Are you able to set your ego aside for the good of the relationship? Are you supporting your spouse in their life, in their hopes and dreams and aspirations, as well as in their struggles and their challenges? Are you creating a safe space for them to discover and work out their stuff? Are you prioritizing your friendship with your spouse? Because as Gottman's research has shown, happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. Get your friendship on. You know how to be a friend. Show up as a true friend in your marriage and create that happy and successful marriage that you want. The quality of our lives is dependent on the quality of our relationships. It might be time for some cleaning up. And you can do it. You've got this. It's all part of growing up. And growing up is awesome, don't you think? 

27:27 

Okay, that's going to do it for me today, my friends. If you would like some personal help from me, if you are not seeing how you're not being a good friend, if you need help seeing that, I got you. This is what I do. I can help you see that. You can go to my website, tanyahale.com. At the very top, there's a tab that says "Free Consult." You can click on that and it will sign you up for 90 minutes with me. Now, the reason I have 90 minutes is because I want you to be able to make a clear decision  on whether you want to invest money to work with me as a coach. And part of that is we're going to do some coaching. We're going to really talk about your situation. We're going to dig deep and I'm going to give you an idea of what coaching is and how it works and why it's so valuable. And that will help you be able to make a decision about whether you want to work with me or not. So, it's a great opportunity. I love the coaching. I have enjoyed every consult I've done, whether these people have signed up to work with me or not. I've just enjoyed the time that we have worked together. And if you're thinking about it, about it, it's a really great option and opportunity. 

28:38 

Also, if you have not signed up for my "weekend win" email yet, good heavens, come on, get on there. If you love this podcast, you're gonna love the "weekend win." I put out some great stuff. It's meant to be read in like two minutes or less. I promise I'm not gonna inundate your mailbox with tons of stuff. When I'm doing a class or a discussion group, I might send out an extra three or four emails in as many weeks, but I really just wanna give you some great information. So, go to tanyahale.com. You can go to the "contact me" tab and scroll down just a little bit and there's a place right there where you can sign up for the "weekend win." So do that, do it, okay? It's good stuff. Alright, that's gonna do it for me. Hope you have an awesome, awesome week and I'm gonna see you next time. 

29:28 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!