00:00 

Hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 297, "Why Can't We All Just Get Along?" Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Well, hello my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. This is the last one that I get to record from American Samoa. It has been such a great, great time here. To get to spend a month here has been so amazing. We have a friend here who loaned us her Jeep on the weekends and that Jeep has taken us on so many adventures. We've been to so many beaches and we've been snorkeling and we've traveled every major road on the island, which isn't a huge deal because it's not a huge island, but it has been so beautiful and so spectacular and we are going to miss it a lot when we leave this Thursday. So when this comes out, when you get this on Monday, we will have already been home for the weekend, but just a great adventure. If you ever get a chance to come to American Samoa, I would say come. It's a great, great place to be. 

01:15 

And really quick, last chance this week to sign up for the emotional and physical intimacy class. Now, early bird pricing is no longer in effect, but for about $20 a class for 12 weeks, you can come and have these intense, amazing discussions with us. I'm really looking forward to diving deep and learning things that I am unaware of because you are going to listen to podcasts and read books and articles and see people on social media that I don't. And I think sharing all this information is going to be pretty incredible, planning on a really great experience. I know that some of you are thinking, oh, "Saturday mornings, I don't want to do Saturday mornings," but here's the deal. There's never gonna be a time that it's good for everybody ever. And I get that this was just so important to me and I thought "you know what, Saturday mornings! It's gonna be a sacrifice for some people. They have to get up, especially the farther on the west coast of the United States that you are, it's gonna be a sacrifice for sure. But let me ask you this: how important is it that you really figure this out in your life right now? Now, some of you may be really great at your emotional and physical intimacy, in which case this would still be good, but it may not be so vital. But if you are struggling in this area, for sure this this might just change everything for you and if it does that's what it's meant to do it's meant to help you see what you're not seeing understand what you're not understanding and embrace intimacy in a way that you have not before and this is a chance to do it in a safe place. I'm going to be there on every call moderating the discussion we're all going to be sharing ideas. We're gonna have a Facebook page where we can can connect with each other, share ideas during the week, share content. It's just gonna be amazing and I would love love love to have you join us. So if you haven't signed up yet, go to tanyahale.com. At the very top you can click on the "discussion group" tab and you get signed up. It starts this Saturday from when this comes out, so it's gonna be great. 

03:40 

Alright, that being said, let's jump into today's topic. We are talking about why can't we all just get along, and this comes because I talk to so many people who are just like "I just want us all to get along." Like when it comes to holidays with the family or family reunions or whatever is going on, "I just want everybody to get along." Well, okay, fine and great but let's have a chat about that. Because whether we're talking about marriages, children, parents, friends, siblings, co-workers, whoever you have any sort of a relationship with, there will be times when we just don't get along. And many of us struggle with this because we're so uncomfortable with conflict, and we just want everybody to get along. But when we stand back out of our story it makes complete sense. 

04:31 

We are all completely different people we come from different backgrounds. We have had interactions with our own unique set of people we have read different things, watch different things, had different conversations that have shifted us and impacted us and changed us ,we have sat in different classrooms and discussion groups, and been exposed to different opinions and points of view. Not one of us has had the same life experiences. Just this week, Sione and I were out on a drive here in American Samoa and the view was spectacular and we were the only ones around. And we talked about how at that moment we were having an experience that nobody else in the world was having. No one else at that exact moment was seeing what we were seeing, smelling, or hearing what we were. In fact, even the two of us were having different experiences because we were looking at the view from slightly different angles. And he was looking at it from about 10 years of experience coming to American Samoa. And I'm looking at it from a first time perspective. And the sights, sounds, and smells were evoking very different memories for each of us based on our life experiences. I was recalling similar views from the five years I lived in Germany and traveled all over Western Europe. And he was having touch points with other travel experiences in his life. 

05:54 

When we really get philosophical about it, it's quite amazing how different we all are, and we tend to forget that. It's very easy for us to get into our own heads, caught up in our own lives, and think that what makes sense to us should make sense to everyone else. When we take a look at this from a broader, even political perspective, we can see how diverse everything is. Let's take a difficult topic like abortion. People tend to have very strong views on either side of the discussion. Pro-life advocates feel very strongly about the life of the baby, that this baby has a right to live, and their position comes from a lifetime of experience of information consumed, perspectives shared from people they respected and admired, and maybe even personal and intimate experiences with babies who were not aborted and who were adopted into families, maybe even their own family. Pro-choice advocates feel very strongly about the life of the woman, and that she has a right to choose whether to carry a child to full term and engage with all of the commitment and life changes that that experience will entail. Their position comes from a lifetime of experience of information consumed, of perspectives shared from people they respected and admired, and maybe even personal and intimate experiences with someone whose life was altered for better or for worse because of abortion. And both sides of this issue have very good reasons for having the beliefs they have. We're not here to debate abortion, but to try to take a step back and look at how diverse we all are and the fact that we all have very diverse ideas and beliefs. When we can afford others the same right to a lifetime of learning and growth and challenges and belief-making, we can begin to respect and honor their agency to be a different person than us in how they see the world and in the beliefs, choices, and decisions they make. 

07:55 

Now, with all of that as a foundation for our discussion today, how likely is it that there will be times when you don't get along with people in your life, even people you spend a lot of time with? I'm going to say it's very likely we're not always going to get along. We will have different ideas about how things should go down, and we will both have very good reasons and reasoning for why they should go down the way that we think they should. Herein lies the challenge: in so many relationships we want things to be easy. We want the other person to think like we do, to want the same things as we do, because that would be easy. Our primitive brain wants easy for sure. But that wouldn't require putting your own ideas and beliefs aside for a bit and getting curious, asking questions until you really understand, explaining why things matter to you the way they do, shifting your perspective, seeing and acknowledging something you haven't seen or acknowledged before, and possibly even changing your belief system. 

09:00 

But here's the thing about relationships. They don't grow stronger when the other person agrees with everything we say, do, and think. They don't dive deeper into intimacy when everything comes easy. Our relationships really step into substance when we do the work described above. When we get curious, ask questions until we understand, honestly and vulnerably share our own perspective, including our fears and insecurities. When we possibly shift our perspective, see and acknowledge things we haven't before and change our belief system when we recognize that we've been wrong. And all that sounds pretty darn vulnerable, doesn't it? 

09:44 

So here's the thought that's come for me in this process. Maybe we're not supposed to get along. At least not at first. Maybe we're supposed to have these times that stretch us and get us out of our "breathe easy" zones and create some discomfort. Maybe the real growth for us and for our relationships occurs when we get to wrestle with our belief systems, with what we believe and why, with why we can feel so insecure when someone disagrees with us. I know that many of us have this fantasy ideal of all of us just getting along. Like I said earlier, I work with so many clients who have this story that when everyone comes home for the holidays, we just want everybody to get along. When we go on vacation with our adult kids and grandkids, that our dream is that we all just get along, that we should all get along in our marriages without disruption to the ease and convenience of that. But really, with all of our different backgrounds and ideas and beliefs we talked about at the beginning of this episode, how likely is it that we will all just get along? Especially when we start bringing in in-laws and sons and daughters in-laws and other people like that. How likely is it? Well, I'm going to say it's highly likely we'll all get along if everyone is walking on eggshells and not having the safe space to share their own ideas and opinions and beliefs. If everyone keeps to light and easy topics so as not to upset anyone, if no one shares difficult emotions or emotional memories  and experiences that have impacted them significantly, if we all keep to funny anecdotes, silly stories, light-hearted memories, then guess what? Yes, I think we can all just get along. 

11:36 

And with some people in some relationships, that might be exactly what is needed because that's all that they or us want or are capable of. I have relationships like this both in my family and outside of my family. But for those relationships where we want more substance, where we really want to know them at a deeper level and be known at a deeper level, where we really crave intimacy and real, deep, substantial relationship, maybe getting along all the time is not on the menu because it's in the shared moments of really seeing each other, seeking to understand each other, recognizing where we might be wrong, being vulnerable, and then making the necessary adjustments to come into alignment that we create intimacy and relationship. Or maybe neither one of us changes our ideas, opinions, or beliefs, but we can learn to hold space for the other person to be exactly who they are, to think and believe exactly like they do, and we accept and embrace this person. This also creates intimacy and deeper relationship. If we think that getting along means there aren't any tense moments, that we will all have the same ideas and laugh at the same jokes and nobody disagrees with anyone, then that's okay. 

13:04 

We just also need to realize that if that's what we're aiming for, we will also naturally get more shallow and simple relationships, where emotions don't run deep, where people don't really show up as them for fear of rejection, where everyone treads lightly so as not to offend and cause hurt feelings. We will have relationships that are light and breezy, but may not be as deep and satisfying. They will most likely be places where we don't feel that we can show up as us, that we are pretending and biting our tongues a lot in order to keep the peace. And as mentioned before, some relationships in our lives will probably be that way because either them or us don't want a deeper relationship. Or neither of us is really capable of stepping into something deeper. Not every relationship in our life needs this deep intimacy, right? That would just be really challenging and difficult and not necessary. But if you have relationships where intimacy and connection matter to you, it's important that we embrace the idea that we may not always get along. And that's actually a good thing because it's an indication that people are feeling safe enough to show up real. There will be times when each of us shows up honestly as us, sharing our thoughts and opinions and ideas and beliefs that there will be disagreements. There will be discomfort as we wrestle with our own ideas and beliefs and opinions and thoughts and as we wrestle with learning to honor other people's agency to have their own ideas and beliefs and opinions and thoughts. 

14:46 

And this is where the growth is, both individually and in the relationship. This is where we challenge ourselves, our belief systems, our pattern thinking of behavior. And this is hard stuff to do. This is the work that I do with clients, helping them become aware of these things and challenging them and cleaning up what they feel needs to be cleaned up. And in these moments of honesty, when we are not always getting along, when our prefrontal cortex gets flooded and our primitive brain runs the show for a bit, wreaking havoc all along the way, when we get defensive and put up our protective walls, and when we shut down and say unkind and hurtful things, these experiences provide a pathway to even deeper connection if we will capitalize on the moment. So here's how we can do it, here's how we can capitalize on those difficult times when our prefrontal cortex shuts down and we go a little like crazy. So we're going to talk about four things that we can do and they all start with the letter R because I'm kind of fancy like that. We're going to talk about recognizing, returning, repair and repent. 

15:59 

So first, recognize. This can be one of those "screech" moments that we've talked about in the past where something inside of us recognizes immediately that what you're doing doesn't feel good or it can come or that feeling can come later in the day or the week when you're reflecting on the situation and you recognize that you did not show up the way that you wanted to. If we are going to have more meaningful relationships, it's important we learn to allow for everyone to have their own experience and viewpoints, and sometimes our primitive brain feels threatened by another viewpoint and we react in ways that we don't love. We all do it. We're all human. We will all say and do things that are insensitive and unkind. When we can learn to recognize the times we don't show up as our best selves, we have started on the path. Okay? Because we live a lot of our life not even recognizing when we are in dysfunctional behaviors. So when we can start to recognize it, we start on the path. 

17:05 

Second, we're going to return. This is the start of the "circling back around" process. And if you haven't listened to that  podcast, go back and check out "Circling Back Around." In essence, we return to the scene of the crime. We let the other person know that we have had unrealistic expectations, that we recognize that we didn't give them space to be themselves, that we said unkind things, that we didn't seek to understand, something along those lines, right? We're returning to the scene of the crime. Think for just a moment about how healing it is for you when someone you love approaches you with genuine remorse for something they did that may have been hurtful. We feel seen, we feel heard, we recognize that this person is putting us and our relationship above their ego. And this makes us feel valued by them. And this is an amazing gift. This generally creates more safety, not less, and is one of the incredible benefits of being human and not getting along all the time. A genuine opportunity to let the other person know how valuable they are to us, and that this creates intimacy. So we want to return to the person and acknowledge it, right? 

18:21 

Third, we're going to repair. What is it going to take for you to repair the damage that you did? Now, if this is a one-off experience, meaning, if this rarely happens, often acknowledging to the other person and then showing up the way that is more loving, we'll move this along. This is the stage of circling back around where we get back into alignment, where we say, "if I could do it again, I would." Or "what I wish I would have said is," right? Where we are letting them know that this is what I would have done differently, or this is what I will do differently in the future. This approach gives us the chance to really step into the curiosity of seeking to understand, or the compassion of creating space for their experience and beliefs. It lets them know that they matter enough to us that we have revisited our approach, seen some room for improvement, and have prioritized them enough to give it another shot. Making a space to retry, to get curious, to really seek to understand their point of view is a valuable tool in not only creating a safe space for them to open up to us again, but it iss also super valuable for us to change and soften our own hearts. 

19:36 

The more you know them and understand their experiences and the reasons they think, feel, and do the things they do, the more acceptance, admiration, and compassion you can create for them, and then the easier it is to assume best intent. The more we assume best intent, the easier it is to give them the benefit of the doubt and respond in healthier, more positive ways. So, if you are a frequent flyer in this particular behavior, instead of this just being a one-off situation, if you're a frequent flyer, all of the things we just talked about are important, plus an acknowledgement that this has been a patterned behavior for you, that you are now aware of it, and then, my friend, you bust your butt to show up more consistently in the adjusted behavior. The way to build trust in this area is to consistently, consistently, consistently show up in the better behavior. Depending on the behavior and the longevity of it in your relationship will determine the amount of time it takes for the other person to begin to trust you. This type of repair heals both their hearts and ours and has the power to draw us closer together to help us get along. Okay, so that is repairing. 

20:53 

So let's talk about the fourth one, repent. Now, repenting is described as "a change of heart." It is becoming a stronger and better person, someone who genuinely wants to understand and create space for all of the differences. If we still believe that we are right and we're just accommodating their idiosyncrasies, that they're just being a baby and we have to smooth over this situation, then we are putting ourselves into a one-up position that is never helpful. I believe that repenting in this type of instance is really seeing ourselves as equals. Two people who both have the right to their own thoughts, ideas, opinions, and beliefs, and we figure out a way for all of these to coexist. This change of heart is so important for our relationships when we can see the other person as a real person, not just someone meant to shore up our own insecurities or do things for us or make us feel good by agreeing with us at all points. Then we are maturing into someone who is capable of deep intimacy. When we see the other person as an equal, everything about how we treat them and how we show up changes and our capacity to get along increases even when we both have different ideas and opinions. 

22:18 

So maybe we're not supposed to get along in the sense that we often refer to it. Maybe we're really supposed to learn, to respect and honor other people and their unique experiences and ideas that they bring into our world. I see that this process of learning to honor other people's unique humanness, of learning to not just tolerate it, but learn to accept and embrace it, this is the work we get to do here on earth. This is the process of learning and growing and becoming more Christlike. This is the process of really learning to love in a beautiful and transformative way. When we can move out of the "I just want everyone to get along," and instead move into, "I want everyone to feel accepted, to feel comfortable and loved, showing up 100% as them," then I think we're making some pretty amazing progress. 

23:19 

The next step, especially in bigger groups, like when all of your children get together, is allowing them to figure out this process for themselves. And that might mean that sometimes the discussions get a little heated, that sometimes feelings get hurt and people withdraw. But as you show up, creating a safe space for everyone not to get along, still loving everybody there, accepting everybody there, getting curious about different viewpoints, expressing understanding and even respectfully sharing different viewpoints, you can model what really getting along can look like. It doesn't have to look like walking on eggshells and keeping everything light and breezy and not having meaningful conversations. Keeping the peace only breeds resentment and then we're for sure not getting along. Getting along can look instead, like everyone learning to get curious, to ask questions to understand, respecting different viewpoints and ideas, creating a safe space for all the differences to be in the same room and still swimming in love and acceptance. It can also look like recognizing, returning, repairing and repenting. 

24:33 

In my experience with my own children, I've found that as I have sought to create a more loving and accepting space for each of them individually, that our ability to show up as a group more honest and open and real, has also increased. Because of how I raised my children, we still have a tendency towards shallow, light, easy conversation. And that's part of all relationships, not just mine with my children, but that was kind of our go-to all growing up. But with this work that I've been working on and sharing with them, we are also starting to make space for more substantial discussions. And I believe it's because I have been learning how to allow for differences in opinions, ideas, and beliefs. I'm learning to honor their agency, to be their own unique humans. And this to me really feels like we're getting along in a more significant, substantial, and meaningful way. 

25:37 

And this is what I love about growing up. I love creating relationships that touch my heart deeper. So that's what I got for you today. Not bad stuff, right? Pretty darn good. Alright, my friends, if you are interested in that intimacy group, go to my website. If you are interested in talking with me about coaching and whether it would be a good fit for you, you can also go to my website, tanyahale.com. For that one, you can click on the "free consultation" tab at the top. And with that, you will be signing up for a 90 minute consultation and coaching session, meaning you're there to decide whether coaching is a good fit for you. And in the course of that we're going to be doing some coaching to help you, to help you see what coaching is like and what it feels like and and to experience it so that you can make a more informed decision about whether working with me is a good fit for you or not. So hope to see some of you on my calendar this week as you sign up for some free coaching and I hope to see you Saturday morning when we start our intimacy discussion group. Okay. Have a great great week, my friends. And I will see you next week on the podcast. Bye. 

27:03 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.