00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 295, "Safety in the Relationship Circle." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. How you doing? I hope that things are going great for you, that you are using these tools to step into something bigger and better and stronger, because this is what we get to do here and it is amazing. Alright, before we start off today, I want to let you know that my intimacy discussion group is up on my website. Go to tanyahale.com, and on the top there is a tab that will say "discussion group," click on that and you can find all of the information that you need to get signed up for that group. It is going to be Saturday mornings. Now, depending on where you are in the United States, the farther west you are, the earlier it's going to be. It might be early. You get to ask yourself, "is it worth the sacrifice to get up early for these couple of months and to have this kind of discussion to figure this out," and I promise you it will be worth it. All amazing things almost always require some effort and some sacrifice on our part, and I'm going to suggest that if you are interested in this, that you get signed up and you join us in this group. The format is going to be you all scatter, and you find information about intimacy that is speaking to you, that is teaching you, that is changing your mindset, and then you come back. That can be books. It can be stories. It can be podcasts. It can be TV shows. It can be whatever, but you're going to come back and share that. We're also going to have a Facebook group page where we can share all of our resources we can continue the discussion in the course of the week. So I think it's going to be fabulous. I'm super, super excited about it. Super excited to learn from you and you presenting information that I wouldn't encounter on my own because of the circles that I work in. And so just really, really excited to jump into this. So if you've thought about it, I promise you it's going to be worth the effort to show up on Saturdays. If there is an occasional Saturday you won't be able to make it, they will be recorded and sent out. But I think you're going to want to be there because I think the discussions are going to be phenomenal. 

02:37 

Okay. So let's move on. Today, we are talking about safety in the relationship circle. So I've been doing a lot of work with my clients lately on what it means to actually be in a relationship. Before I got married to my first husband in 1991, when I was 23, I hadn't really thought about that much, what it meant to be in relationship. I didn't know about emotional intimacy. I didn't understand vulnerability. I didn't have a clue about what it meant to create a safe space for my spouse. What I did know, that I now believe was pretty much entirely wrong, was that I was going to marry someone whose job it would be to do everything in his power to make me happy and take care of me and that we would just get along because we were good people. Very Disney-esque, right? There we go. So, it's no wonder that after we got married, and those things didn't happen, that I was very unhappy and I believed it was all his fault. 

03:35 

My own parents seemed to have a very uncomplicated, easy relationship based on what I saw as their child. They got along really well. I never remember seeing them fight ever, and my siblings will say the same thing. They were kind to each other. I would catch them making out in the kitchen sometimes, and they both worked hard to keep their family of 10 afloat on two fairly meager salaries. I also never saw them engaging in any sort of emotional discussion, banter, anything like that. From what I grew up with, I just saw my parents working together, getting along, doing what needed to be done, and it didn't seem complicated. 

04:19 

So after my church mission, when the next logical step in life was to get married, I didn't think too much about it. I figured if you find a good person, it would all work out, that we would get married, we'd live a fairly uncomplicated life of being kind to each other, working hard to create the family and home life we wanted, and that would be about it. Pretty simple, right? I really had no idea that there was this thing called intimacy, and even when my relationship with my first husband was miserable and unfulfilling, I didn't know what was missing. I just knew that something huge was missing. and it had to be his fault I was so unhappy, because I didn't feel that void and that unhappiness when I was single. We spent 24 years with both of us blaming the other for our own unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It got old and it got exhausting for both of us, and yet I  know that I didn't have a clue what was really missing. I didn't know how to fix it, but now I do. 

05:21 

It was intimacy. It was that feeling of closeness, of trust, of acceptance of the other person, and receiving that in return. The word "intimate," as we're using it here, comes with definitions such as "of a very personal or private nature and marked by a very by very close association, contact, or familiarity." I also found this definition "intimacy in a relationship is a feeling of being close and emotionally connected and supported. It means being able to share a whole range of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that we have as human beings." I also found this, "intimacy refers to a level of closeness where you feel validated and safe." I don't know that I was all that unique in my shallowness and naivete of understanding intimacy and how it works in marriage relationships. I have seen that there are some people who either understand it before marriage or figured it out in the first few years, and then there were those of us who never quite got the memo and ended up either miserable and sticking it out or divorced because of our lack of understanding and ability in this area. 

06:36 

But since my divorce I figured out some things about intimacy, and I share these things here on the podcast for the benefit of those who, like me for whatever reason, just didn't know or haven't been able to figure it out. And this is the stuff I coach my clients on because even when we do know, even clients who have listened to this podcast and know all the things that I've shared, it can be easy to forget and get caught up in patterns of behavior that don't support intimacy and then often even destroy intimacy. And we often just don't see our own stuff and that is why working with a coach can sometimes be a really valuable tool. So in podcast number 244 I talk about the relationship circle. You may want to go back and revisit that one if you haven't listened to it, or maybe revisit it if you have but it's been a while. 

07:34 

So as a quick review though, imagine three circles sitting side by side, just touching on the edges but not overlapping. The two end circles are you and the other person in the relationship. The circle between the two of you is your relationship. Both of you in your own individual circles is completely responsible for you for your happiness, your growth, your progress, your successes and failures. Everything you, that is what you are responsible for. When we choose to be in relationship, we are choosing to create a circle between us. And this is a different space entirely than the you circle. And I think there can be a lot of confusion about what this space is for. And the confusion I'm talking about is what creates so much dysfunction in relationships. My thinking when younger and in my previous marriage was that this circle was a place where he was supposed to always have my back, always agree with me, shore me up in all of my insecurities, make me feel loved. He was supposed to be kind and agreeable, never have a bad day or say anything mean. He was supposed to be the model of gentlemanly behavior, never stray from our church beliefs and praise and adore me endlessly. Sounds like I just walked out of a movie, doesn't it? 

08:55 

So, for whatever reason, I didn't think near as much about how I was showing up in the circle as I did about how I expected that he should be showing up in that circle. And therein lies the biggest problem. I was continually focused on his behavior within that circle, and I spent so much time analyzing and judging how he was showing up. That's a problem because I didn't have any control over anything he was doing. All I really have control over is how I'm showing up in the circle. And admittedly, I did not show up there like an emotional adult, meaning someone who is responsible for her own thoughts and feelings and behaviors. Here's what I've come to understand in the years since. When I show up in that relationship circle, my goal really is twofold. One: to be as vulnerable as possible. And two: to create as safe a space as possible for my husband to show up as vulnerable as possible for him. 

09:59 

Now in the past, we've talked about us showing up vulnerable in relationships. Today, we're going to dig a little bit deeper into what it means to create a safe space for the other person, because I think a lot of us get distracted from loving the other person and focus too much on them loving us. The first thing I think is important to be clear on is that we behave differently in the relationship circle than we do in our own circles. We have to. It's a different circle. When we're in the relationship circle, we get to acknowledge the other person. We get to choose to be their person. We get to practice showing up as our best selves and supporting them in the ways that they need. For example, let's say that your spouse really enjoys hearing you say that you love him multiple times a day in many different ways, and they have expressed that desire to you. So let's be clear. This isn't something you have to do in your relationship. You may think that it's ridiculous and that once a day or once every few days is enough and that you don't need it that much so why should they? You may roll your eyes,  either literally or figuratively, and think that it's an unreasonable request. You might even play the "they're so insecure and it's not my job to make them secure" card, and maybe you're right about that. 

11:22 

But consider this, are you in a relationship to be right or are you in a relationship to create connection? Because if you stand your ground in thinking that they're ridiculous and they're asking too much and so you're not going to do it, you are choosing to be right rather than to be in a connected relationship. We all have different things that help us to feel connected to people, and your spouse's may be different than yours and you may not understand it at all, but that doesn't mean that what they want and need is invalid. So ask this question, what does it hurt you to tell them several times a day in different ways that you love them? Why do you resist doing something that in all actuality is really quite easy to do. 

12:19 

Herein lies your specific work, my friend, because what you'll most likely find is one-up thinking and contempt. As soon as you see their request as ridiculous or unreasonable, or coming from a place of eye roll-inducing insecurity, you are putting yourself in a one-up position and you are creating contempt for them. It can be super easy to do and we all go into this place occasionally. So don't be afraid to look this one in the face. As soon as you think you are better than them for not needing what they are asking for, you are one-upping. And the reason we do this is because we are struggling with the transition, moving from our own circle into the relationship circle. Notice that your one-up thoughts are things that you need to work on, your own pride and judgmental thoughts. In our own circle, we get to focus on ourselves, on having our own back, on loving ourselves, choosing how to show up in life the way that we want. We get to say what we want. We get to think what we want. But then when we choose to move into the relationship circle, we are also choosing to show up differently, to act differently. You might say it doesn't feel natural or authentic to express several times a day. To which I will reply, so what? The relationship circle isn't about you individually. It's about the two of you together. And in that circle, you do what is best for the us, not what is best for the you. If expressing love several times a day is what your spouse would like to feel safe and secure in that circle with you, your job is to show up for the us and give them what they need, even if you don't understand it. 

14:21 

This isn't saying you go against your values and morals and behave in ways that are not aligned with those values and morals. But when you choose to be in relationship, you choose to show up in a way that is best for the relationship, not in the way that is best for you. And telling someone you love them several times a day...I can almost bet it's not going to go against your values and morals, especially if it is somebody that you love and want to be in relationship with. If your spouse asks for something like several expressions of love a day, and you recoil from that, your individual work is to figure out "why do I recoil," to do your own work to find out why you want to resist that. What thoughts do you have about their request that make it feel difficult to you? This is going to be an amazing opportunity for you to begin to see where your personal healing needs to be addressed. And we all have healing from our history that needs to be addressed, because none of us were raised by perfect parents and had perfect interactions with siblings and other relatives or with teachers and friends and all the other people that we interacted with in our lives. 

15:38 

When we stand outside of a request like this, we can see that it's really not a difficult thing that's being asked of us. It's really quite simple. And if it helps our partner to feel safe and loved in the relationship, and if they chose to be vulnerable enough to ask for it, then the ball is in our court to decide if we want to show up supporting them or dismissing them. Now, it could be anything at all that our spouse is asking for, and we get to decide how to show up in that relationship circle. Supporting them in the way they have asked might feel awkward. It might require some growth. It might require some mind work. Okay? Let it be awkward. Let it require some work. When you love someone and you choose to be in relationship with them, you are also choosing to step into a brand new place called "relationship." And this is where we do what is best for the relationship, not what is best for you. 

16:43 

So think for a minute what your spouse, what your partner, has asked of you in a relationship circle that you have bristled against. Notice the pattern of one-up thinking and the contempt that accompanied it and then identify what actions came from that feeling of contempt. Most likely it wasn't one of your best moments in your relationship. You might have gotten dismissive, you might have gotten angry, you might have gotten annoyed, you might have made accusations or called names. Okay, when we start to realize that our responsibility in the relationship circle is to create as safe of a place as  possible for our spouse to show up vulnerable, we see this very differently. I don't think I was alone in thinking that the relationship circle was a place where the other person was supposed to make me happy. But when that is our focus, we will be miserable because we can't control that and they will not always show up trying to make us happy. 

17:52 

When we start to understand that the relationship circle is an amazing place of growth because it can teach us how to learn to love someone like we've never loved before, that is our goal there, to learn to love and accept this person, then showing up in the relationship circle and creating a safe space becomes more accessible to us. We can only control how we show up in the relationship circle, and that's okay because that's why we enter into relationship. Just one person showing up better has the power to change the dynamic in a relationship. Think of it like this. Your actions are going into your spouse's circumstance line. So if he shows up sharing something vulnerable and you roll your eyes and think, "come on, you're overreacting, it's not a big deal." What he would think to that reaction could be something like, "wow, she doesn't wanna hear about how this is affecting me." Then that's his thought, right? Then his feeling could be disconnected, followed by an action of disconnecting emotionally, distancing himself both physically and emotionally, shutting down, not sharing the next thing he wanted to or not sharing the next time something comes up, not looking to you for support and understanding, spending more time on his phone or watching TV or playing video games, finding someone else to support him. 

19:32 

And then those actions go into our circumstance line. And we think something like, "I'm never a priority to him." And then our feeling line could be hurt, then our actions could be talking down to him, telling him that he's never there for us, crying and blaming him for our hurt feelings, shutting down emotionally and physically, not engaging sexually. And then those actions go into his circumstance line. And just for fun, I want you to work through that for another five or six thought models. When my actions go into his circumstance line, what does that create? And then when his actions go into my circumstance line, what does that create? Work that out for another five or six models to see where that takes us. It's not pretty. And it's also the place where so many of us are in our relationships. 

20:25 

Let me share an analogy that might be helpful. Let's say you rescue a dog who has been abused for its whole life. Kicked, yelled at, food and water withheld, things thrown at it, beaten, crated for days at a time. And you take that dog into your warm and loving home. You set it up in a warm corner of your home with a cozy dog bed, adequate food and water, chew toys, and you speak softly and kindly to it. After a day or two, you reach out and try to pet the dog. What is likely to happen? Well, it's most likely not going to jump into your arms and lick your face, is it? It's going to cower. It's going to snarl and growl. It might snap or try and bite you. This dog is responding from a place of protection and fear and those things won't go away overnight. It may take a few weeks before this dog can trust you. And then after those few weeks, this dog might allow you to pet its head and it might take another few weeks before it will nuzzle into your caress and probably longer still before it will sit on your lap on the sofa and allow you to pet it and cuddle it. 

21:35 

In our marriages, very often we have treated each other so poorly for so long that we are both like these abused dogs cowering in the corner. We are both in protective mode, fearful and angry and snapping at anything that comes at us. So you will clean up your thoughts enough to reach out to the spouse with something kind and they snap back with something hurtful. And your first response is to say, "see, I don't even know why I try. This is how you always are. There's no winning with you." And then we shut down and go back into our protective stance, back in our abuse corner. What we need to realize is just like the dog, it takes time to build up enough trust for them to feel safe around us again. And what does it take to help our spouse feel safe in our relationship? Our actions need to be loving and kind and consistent. Remember that your job in a marriage is to love them like they've never been loved before. It's not to receive love. Your job is to learn to accept them, amazingness and works both. Your job is to learn how to live without judgment of what they're doing and how they're doing it, but rather to create a safe space for them to explore their own growth. Your job is to learn to be supportive of the path that they want to walk in this life. 

23:02 

Now, obviously, I'm not talking about abusive situations, and I'm also not saying that there aren't times when we need to set some appropriate boundaries. All healthy relationships have appropriate boundaries. I am saying that a relationship is the perfect place for you to learn to love cleanly and powerfully and unconditionally. It's a place for you to practice being nonjudgmental and accepting of someone having different ideas and even a different path than you. It's a place for you to  learn how to be supportive of someone as they work through their challenges and difficulties in life, without nagging them, without being demeaning or dismissive. The Relationship Circle is an amazing place to learn how to be more of the kind of person we really want to be, to be more in alignment with whatever spiritual leader we choose to follow. 

24:00 

For me, that is Jesus Christ. It's a place for each of us to step into a better version of ourselves and it's a place for us to create greater self-respect as we learn to respect others at a level that we never have before. Here's an amazing thing about learning to show up in the Relationship Circle, creating a safe space for our partner. We create our own safety to show up with more vulnerability. We develop more self-love and self-respect as we get our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviors in alignment with who we really want to be. We show up seeking to create safety for them and we actually create safety for us. We also create greater connection with ourselves, and that in turn allows for greater connection with our spouse. You have the capacity to turn your relationship around because of how you are showing up. 

25:02 

And also the relationship might not turn around because you can't control how your spouse will respond. It may be too little too late, and he may never allow himself to trust you again. And if that's the case, that's good data and it sets you up to make your next decisions in life. And those decisions do not have to mean that you get divorced. It just means that we get to choose to engage differently and we change our hopes of what that relationship can be. But we aren't doing this work to manipulate the other person's behavior or to try to make them be a certain way. We are doing this work because it aligns with the kind of person that we want to be. It feels amazing to show up loving and kind and compassionate in a difficult situation. It feels incredible to be able to have them share something difficult and we move into curiosity and really come to understand their point of view, even if we don't agree with it. And it feels fantastic to not get defensive and offended and hurt and to storm out of the room. We are doing this work for ourselves. If they choose to respond positively, that will be an amazing byproduct of our behavior. But there are no guarantees with regards to their response. Sometimes people are hurt so deeply for so long that they may never trust again. And sometimes they do. 

26:34 

So, right now, I want to share with you a review that one of my clients shared with me recently where she cleaned up her stuff in creating a safe space, and her husband had just been there waiting and he was right there ready to move into greater intimacy with her. "So here's what she had to say. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we have been great roommates, but we always struggled with being connected emotionally and our sexual relationship was very strained, to say the least. I started listening to Tanya's podcast and was absolutely amazed at how much I realized I was doing in our relationship that was detrimental, things that I honestly didn't even realize I was doing. After listening to several podcasts, I decided that I'd like to start doing coaching with her because I felt like I needed more clarity. That was the best decision I could have made. Tanya is incredible at seeing what it is that I need to work on and how to improve and move forward. It is absolutely incredible how much my marriage has improved in only six weeks so far. I feel more connected and closer to my husband than I ever have. I feel like I really see who he is now and all the things he does for our family and our sexual relationship is awesome. Previously my husband and myself had gone to counseling many, many times with many different counselors and psychologists for relationship stuff and for help with sexual intimacy. It was like we were constantly trying the same things over and over that just weren't working and maybe even driving a wedge further between us. It felt like I was broken sexually. I felt like when it came to deep, intimate relationships, that just wasn't in the cards for us. It was difficult and frustrating. We felt stuck and hopeless for a very long time. 

28:22 

"But since working with Tanya, we are so much closer and more in love than ever. Her techniques really work. The way she explains things is so easy to understand and apply. It really is amazing how powerful our brain is. are. All along we just needed the right type of coaching to see how we could show up better and be more healthy, well-rounded people. I have never felt so deeply in love with my husband before. Now I'm giddy when I see him. I long to be next to him, spend time with him, and talk to him. The other day when my morning alarm went off he snuggled around me and said, 'I love our new life so much.' I feel so loved. I will forever be grateful for Tanya's expertise and guidance. It has truly been invaluable. It's amazing the intimacy we are capable of creating and I look forward to creating an even stronger bond. I cannot recommend Tanya's coaching enough." 

29:19 

That gets me a little bit emotional, because this is why I do this work. It changes lives. I know it's changed mine. And I know  it can change yours. You may never work with me, but take these concepts. Take what I'm teaching you. Come back again and again and listen and understand and implement. This particular client has worked hard to learn how to accept her husband for who he is, to stop being judgmental, and moving into one-up or one-down positioning. She is learning to show up as an equal partner in every way. She has learned how to validate him and show up vulnerable herself. Creating this type of safety in your relationships is vital if you want to really feel the connected intimacy that you crave. Feeling safe doesn't mean you will always have the same opinions or ideas or agree on the decisions you need to make. It does mean that you create a safe space for two unique individuals to show up, to share their differences and know that those differences don't affect the love and the acceptance. We can do so much better than we've been doing. Ask yourself, how are you not creating a safe space for your partner? What can you do to show up more as an equal partner and someone who accepts him for who he is? How can you circle back around in apology and let him know you want to do better because now you understand things you haven't before? All of these things I work on with you here. They are so important to creating safety, to showing up the person you want to be, to creating self-respect and trust with yourself and creating trust with your partner. 

31:17 

You've got this, my friend. It's all part of growing up and creating a beautiful midlife relationship. I love growing up. I hope you do too. Here's the deal. If you would like some help with me stepping into this relationship circle with greater purpose, with greater design, being able to create a safer place for your spouse, let's chat. I am currently offering 90 minute consults. You want to see if coaching is a good fit for you? Get on my calendar, go to tanyahale.com, click on the "free consultation" button, sign up for a 90 minute consultation. We will not only talk about coaching, all the things about it, but I have time to coach you on that call to help you see what coaching is about and how it works. That will help you make a decision of whether coaching is a good fit for you or not. I can help you get somewhere in three or six months' time that it might take you two years to get to on your own. This is the power of coaching, because I get to help you see things that you just can't see because you're in the middle of it. I will call you out on things, and it will be hard. The first two, three, four weeks are sometimes pretty challenging because I'm showing you things and you're like, "Oh, I had no idea. I had no idea I was doing this." But that's what makes coaching so powerful. I get to help you see the patterns of behavior that are destroying your marriage and your other relationships. And I get to help you step into something better. 

33:13 

So that's going to do it. If you love this podcast, if it's helping you, share it with someone that you can talk to about it. But share it. Share it on your social media. Share it in text messages. This is good information, my friends. This content changes lives. Please share it. And please leave me a review. That helps this podcast to be seen by more people, the more reviews I get. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for wanting to create a better life for you and a better life for the people that you love. This is the real deal, my friends. This stuff works. You can create a better relationship. I know that. I believe it wholeheartedly and I wish you all the best in doing it. Have an awesome, awesome week and I will see you next time. Bye. 

34:20 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.