00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 285, "Trust and Betrayal." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:20

All right, hello there, my friends. Oh, so glad to have you here. Got some good stuff to share with you today, but before we do, I just have a couple of things I want to chat with you about. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I am interested in doing a physical and emotional intimacy discussion group. This would be most likely on a Saturday morning. We do it early. It might take a little bit of sacrifice for you to get up and invest the time and effort to have a discussion. If we do that for, I'm thinking about four months on most Saturdays, and just really talk about all the things, physical and emotional intimacy and how are they connected and why we can't have one without the other and how they work together in our relationships, especially our marriage relationships, I think it would be fabulous. If you are interested, go ahead and go on my Facebook page. Go on my website. You can leave me a note there and let me know that you're interested and I will get you on the list. If I decide to do that and I have enough interest in it, then we will do that. If you have friends who are interested, it might be a great thing to do that together as friends. There would be a fee for this, but it would not be super pricey as it would be the first time I'm doing it. It's kind of an experiment as well and we'd be working on that.

01:49

So another thing I want to talk to you about is you can find me on Instagram and you can find me on Facebook and you can find me under "Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching." Would love for you to join me there and follow some information that I put there. And it's a great way to share and also discuss concepts that come up and podcasts that we talk about would love to get some feedback from you on that. And you know, when you hear podcasts that you go, "oh, that was great," I would love for you to share this. Such a great way to help other people step into positive life changing information as well. And then also, if you didn't catch this in my last podcast that I've talked about this, I have started getting all my podcasts transcribed and put on there. We're starting with the newest ones and working our way back. And so if you would like to go to some of your favorite podcasts, especially the newer ones that have the transcripts, download if you'd like to be able to read those, and print them out, that's an option for you now. So if it has been transcribed, you can go to the podcast on my website and scroll down and it will have a "download transcription" button. If it does not have that yet, then we have not gotten it done. I think we're down into the two thirties. So we've gotten about 40 or 50 of those done. So check those out, good, good stuff.

03:19

All right, we're just gonna jump in. We are talking about trust and betrayal today. So betrayal is a really tough word, especially when we are talking about relationships. I've worked with many, many clients over the years who are working really hard to figure out how to move forward with their lives after what is sometimes called "the ultimate betrayal" in marriage, which would be adultery, right? There's spouse going out and having a relationship, having sex with someone else. And often when we think about betrayal, this is where our minds go. We are going to talk about that today, but as well, we're going to talk a lot about smaller betrayals that can are just as damaging. One reason betrayal is so tough is because it destroys trust in the relationship. And trust is one of the most vital components in having an intimate partnered relationship. It's more important than love even, because you can love and not trust. Anyone who has had a teenager knows that that is true. We can love that teenage child more than life itself, and yet there are times that we don't trust them for anything, right? You can love and not trust, okay?

04:34

So there was a time in my previous life that I thought that love and trust were the same, that if I loved, I would trust, and if I trusted, I would love. And to be honest, that caused a lot of dysfunction in my previous marriage, to be sure. John Gottman, who is a very well-respected and known relationship researcher, puts forth trust as the most vital component in a marriage. So when a betrayal, especially a large betrayal, such as a spouse committing adultery, comes along, trust in the marriage is

severely compromised. And if a couple wants to work through it, there is a lot of work necessary to rebuild the trust. But there are a lot of relationships suffering from betrayal who have not encountered something as serious as adultery. In fact, I think that one reason so many of us struggle in our relationships is because of the small betrayals that happen consistently over time and that break down the trust. Anytime a behavior of one spouse undermines the trust of the other betrayal is happening. And here's some examples:

05:43

Alright, can your spouse trust you to have your back, to have their back in a group of people? For example, if your spouse's family is digging in pretty hard with some criticism of them, do you jump in and add your own criticism or laugh and agree, or do you stand up for your spouse and support them? Can your spouse trust you to choose them over family and friends? This doesn't mean we don't ever go on a cruise with your sisters or have a movie night with friends, but are we prioritizing our spouse? Have we left mother and father for our spouse? Do we invest in this relationship enough that when we do go spend time with others, our spouse doesn't feel neglected and like he always gets the leftovers? Can your spouse trust you to stick around and support them if they get a debilitating illness? Would you support them in their doctor appointments and picking up the extra slack of caretaking without complaining or attacking or blaming? And to do what it takes to support the financial needs of you and your family?

06:51

Can your spouse trust you to support their goals and dreams? Your spouse may have a desire to do something that you don't understand. My sweet husband likes to run marathons and sometimes even does triathlons. I don't get it. At all. But how I respond to his desires to put in the training time is an important part of him knowing that he can trust me. And my support on the days he is racing is an important part of letting him know that he can trust me with what he wants to accomplish in life. I like to think about whether I'm throwing water or wood on his fire of desire. Can your spouse trust you not to jump ship when things get hard? Your spouse will not be perfect. He will make mistakes, sometimes big ones. Can he trust that you are going to work through things, to figure things out and not threaten divorce every time things get tough, every time he has a human issue? Can your spouse trust you to respect his wants and needs? When your spouse says "no" to something, do you continue to push and push and push until you break them down and get your way? Do you allow for differences in wants and needs without feeling threatened and pushing your own agenda? This doesn't mean we can't have a discussion about what we want, but having a discussion is different than pushing your wants and trying to make them feel guilty and manipulating them into doing what you want.

08:27

Can your spouse trust you to have their best interest in mind? Or are you always just looking out for what's best for you? Can your spouse trust you to carry your own weight in the relationship, whatever you two have defined that to be at the current time? Or are you always expecting your spouse to do so much more than you do? Do you take advantage of their willingness to serve you and take care of things? Can your spouse trust you to support them if their religious and church goals and desires shift? If they start to have questions or want to be more or less engaged than in the past, does that become a deal breaker for your relationship? Or is it something that you can support their spiritual journey on wherever that path takes them? Can your spouse trust you to circle back around and put the relationship before your ego and apologize and do the work necessary to show up in a more loving and a kind way?

09:32

Okay, these are just some examples of what trust and betrayal can look like. Breakdowns in these kinds of things destroy the trust in a relationship. And although betrayal is most often thought of as a big, huge event, such as adultery or embezzling millions of dollars from the company, it is also a lot of smaller things that can be subtle or discreet but that erode the trust of the relationship over time. And these can be sneaky, because one at a time they may not seem like such a big deal. But cumulatively, over and over, they add up to a huge breach of trust. And taking the time to reflect on your own behaviors and how you are showing up in your relationship is a big deal. Inevitably, there are things we all engage in that are betrayals of trust. And learning to increase our awareness of them is really important.

10:25

And this is why learning to communicate openly and honestly is such a valuable tool in your relationships. If you do something that your spouse feels is a betrayal and they bring it up in a discussion, your response is a huge place to build trust or continue to step into betrayal. If your response is "you're overreacting," or "you're making a big deal out of nothing," that continues the betrayal. In essence, you're saying that their point of view doesn't matter, that what they think or what they feel is insignificant to you. This breaks down trust and most likely it's also gaslighting. Okay? If your response is, "oh wow, I am so sorry. I absolutely don't want things to do things that hurt you. Will you please tell me more about how you see that situation so I can be more aware of how I'm showing up?" Then you are letting them know that what they think and feel is important to you and not more important than a slightly bruised ego when they bring it up.

11:35

John Gottman uses the term "sliding door moments" when he talks about building trust and I love this concept. Basically he says that we have these small sliding door moments with our spouse or our child or our parent or whoever, right, when they make a bid for connection. And it might be really small, but it opens for just a bit and if we don't respond, they will usually close it in an effort to self-protect. So he gives this example that one night he was reading a thriller type of book and he was at the last few chapters when he stopped to go brush his teeth and get ready for bed and then he was going to go back to bed to finish the last few chapters in the book. He was loving the book and excited to get back. And when he got into the bathroom, his wife was in there brushing her hair and she let out a sigh that indicated she had a lot on her mind. And he recognized that as a choice. He could ignore the sigh, for you see, she hadn't actually said anything or let him know that she wanted to talk. Or he could engage her and put his exciting book on hold. And these are the moments that are so fascinating and sometimes kind of difficult because she may not have even realized that she had sighed. She may not have done it on purpose to try and engage him, or she might have, but whether it was on purpose or not, he gets to make a choice of whether to step through that sliding door or not before it closes. So he says in this experience that he chose to engage. So he walked up behind her, he took the brush from her hand and he began to brush her hair for her and he asked her about her day. Think about this. He has let her know that he has seen her, that he has heard her, that she is important enough to him to notice when she is troubled and then engage her in conversation. Had he not engaged, it would have been easy for her to feel disconnected and close that door in order to garner the strength to figure it out for herself.

13:44

So think for a few minutes about how your spouse makes bids for connection. Maybe he comes home from work and flops on the sofa with a sigh. Maybe he comes into your office and tries to engage in small talk. Maybe he comes up behind you in the bathroom and gives you a hug. How is he trying to connect with you? And how do you respond? Do you turn around and hug him back or do you brush him off and tell him you have things to do? Do you ignore his flop onto the sofa and continue with what you're doing? Or do you go and sit beside him, grab his hand and ask him about his day? When someone makes a bid for connection with us and we ignore it, we are betraying them and the relationship that we desire. When someone makes a bid for connection with us and we respond affirmatively, we build trust. We let them know that we have their backs and we are theirs to support them.

14:47

Building trust is not something that we can ignore. We have to intentionally choose it. Trust allows us to feel safe in the presence of the other person and will create an environment of more vulnerability. It creates deeper connection between partners and helps us to show up as equals rather than one-upping and one-downing. Trust also strengthens us individually. When I feel my spouse is trustworthy, it helps to motivate me to work harder to show up in ways that I want to in our marriage. I don't want to do anything to erode his trust in me. I love him enough to put the relationship before my own wants and needs most of the time. Like, we're all human, that's for sure. But responding to someone's bid for connection by ignoring them or dismissing them lets them know they cannot totally rely on you. And then our natural inclination, primitive brain protection mode, is to make fewer and fewer bids for connection. And if they continue to go unheeded, eventually we kind of start shutting that down.

16:00

And one reason many of us struggle with bids for connection is that we struggle to stay in our own lanes. We may think that if we ask them how their day was, then we have to fix all of their difficult emotions. But here's some amazing news. You do not have to fix anything and you're not supposed to fix anything. You can show up supportive and kind, empathetic and engaged, and never once step into their lane to fix anything. It doesn't usually require anything from you other than some time to engage and express confidence and love and empathy. Remember, most of us don't want people to step in and fix things for us. We just want to feel seen and heard and understood and supported. We want to know that the people we value the most are in our corner. We head out into the ring to fight our own fight, but gosh, it's nice to know that when the bell rings and we go back to the corner, that someone is there to give us a drink, to rub our shoulders, to put a band-aid on our cut, and give us some loving and encouraging words. That's all we need to do generally. Be curious, ask great questions, listen with intent, show empathy and kindness and support.

17:19

Now your spouse may bring something up about you and that can be hard, but building trust is about creating a place that feels safe for them to have those tough discussions. Remember, if you feel defensive, look for the truth in what they're saying. Giving into the defensiveness will just create discord and frustration because then you will say something biting and then their walls will go up and then the fight is on. Anytime we move into blaming, accusing or attacking, we are inviting the other person to get defensive. We are seeking to connect in these moments, not disconnect. And that requires that we put our ego on hold and look for the truth. So take a deep breath, get your wits about you, step into curiosity and start asking questions. If you see the truth, acknowledge it and circle back around to repair. If you don't see the truth, step into curiosity and ask some questions to understand their point of view better and keep looking for the truth. It may be only 2% truth, but that 2% will be a gold nugget of information for you. And more importantly, you showing up with curiosity, with kindness, and willingness to understand will build trust, even if you decide that there isn't any truth to what they are saying.

18:52

Another reason we may struggle to show up in connection is that we have often gotten into the habit of not assuming best intent. And instead, we are always anticipating that the other person is out to get us to beat us down. And when we don't assume best intent, this is a betrayal. This is a dangerous place for our relationships to be because it is not built on trust. If you are assuming the other person is out to get you, then you are not trusting them, which puts you on the defensive most of the time. And when you are unconsciously in this defensive place, you start behaving in ways that are betraying. Okay? And so there may be some cases where a spouse really wants all things bad for their spouse. But I'm going to anticipate that that is not generally the case. If someone is wanting to stay in a marriage, that's usually a sign that there is some hope that things could get better. They're usually wanting to be there. They don't want things to be horrible for you, but sometimes we get these unconscious patterns of behavior building and building on each other all the time. So learning to assume best intent of our spouse or whoever you're working with through this is a huge move toward trust. When they do something hurtful, and they will, assuming that they wouldn't want to hurt you and must have good reasons for their behavior will get you much farther in your relationship. And as we talked about a few weeks ago, often the reasons people act badly are because of their own pain and their own brain going into protection mode. If we can get curious and ask questions and find out that your spouse said something biting because they were anticipating that you would get all over their case about what they were bringing up, learning to look at it, acknowledge it and apologize for it is a huge step in creating more trust.

21:00

So here's what that would sound like. Your spouse could say, "I didn't tell you about it because I knew you would get all upset and cry and start telling me how I'm such a disappointment as a husband." Okay, take a breath. Notice the defensiveness coming up. Get used to recognizing what does defensiveness feel like in your body. For me, it feels like my chest gets all buzzy and I get this heat that starts raising up for my chest into my neck and into my face. Right? That is my "whoa, I'm getting defensive feeling." Okay? Figure out what defensiveness feels for you. So take a breath. Notice the defensiveness coming up and then ask yourself, "where is the truth in what they're saying?" Have you gotten upset and cried and told your husband he was a disappointment in the past? Multiple times? More times than you can count? Okay, then own it. That sounds like, "I can see that. I have behaved pretty poorly in the past and I can see why you would shy away from telling me the truth. I'm really sorry for how I've shown up before. That's not the person I want to be in this relationship anymore. Can I circle back around and try it again?" Or "if I could do it again, this is what I would say..."

22:28

This takes is a lot of dogged determination to show up differently, to be more trustworthy to your spouse, to be willing to see where you can improve and let your spouse figure out their own path. This isn't a time to blame and accuse them for doing things wrong. It's a time to own your own and circle back around. It's a time to stay in your own lane and be the person you want to be. That's it. Focus on your behavior. Focus on how you are showing up. Focus on getting curious. Focus on asking questions and really listening. Focus on being compassionate to their pain and empathetic to their experience. Focus on having a discussion rather than a fight. Here's an example of that from a client and this is shared with permission. So she and her husband had just gotten married, second marriage, and they were still living apart until they could get moved into the same place, but he was visiting out at her house. They lived quite a distance away from each other and they were having dinner with her adult kids at her home. And after dinner, they all started cleaning up. After a few minutes, her husband left the kitchen and went to sit in the living room. And my client was over there in the kitchen fighting the fear of wondering, "oh, did I marry a man who's going to disengage when it's cleanup time? And thinking like, 'what does this mean? What's happening here? What's going on?'" But she continued to finish cleaning the kitchen with her kids while she processed all this information. This is her taking a breath, right? And figuring out "how do I want to show up here?" And she also didn't really want to have that discussion in front of her kids.

24:08

But after the kitchen was cleaned and they had a minute, she approached him. She went in and sat on the sofa next to him. Now this could have been a fight about the dishes, about how he left her to do the women's work, right? About how she expected more from him, about how she was disappointed in him, et cetera, et cetera. But using the tools we've talked about, she approached with curiosity and she asked him, what was up and why he left the kitchen? And he was able to share how he felt out of place, like he didn't belong. Everybody else knew the routine. Everybody else knew where things belonged, where to get things and where to put things away. And he just felt like he was in the way. Really, he was feeling some insecurity about where he belonged in this new family. Then my client was able to share some fears about him not being an equal partner. And they ended up having a discussion about his insecurities and her fears, rather than a fight about cleaning the kitchen. Had she jumped right into blaming and accusing and attacking, she would have been betraying him, assuming the worst of him. Instead, she assumed best intent. She stepped in and she was in the way of curiosity, she had his back and she created a situation that increased their emotional intimacy and trust rather than creating disconnect and betrayal.

25:39

Okay isn't that brilliant? This is what we're doing here, my friends. We are creating relationships that dreams are made of. We are learning to communicate and love like we have never loved before and this work is so worth it. Please, please, please take some time to look at yourself this week. How are you betraying the trust of your spouse, or if you're divorced, how did you do it in the past? How did you do it in your previous marriage? What small behaviors are damaging your spouse's ability to trust you? How are you jumping to conclusions and not trusting your spouse when, in actuality, there's not much there? Whether you're in a relationship right now or whether you're looking back on a previous relationship, the more of this stuff that you can identify and figure out, the better off you're going to be. How can you own more of your own and circle back and have a discussion rather than a fight? If you're struggling with trust and betrayal in your relationship, remember you didn't lose it in a day and you won't get it back in a day either. It's a cumulative effort of consistently showing up more the person you want to be, whether it be doing it right the first time or whether it be circling back around to try it again and again and again. Right? Being willing to circle back around says, "I'm in this." I want this to be better.

27:18

Okay, you have got this in you. I know you do and I know that you can do this. This is some of the most important work you will ever do in your life. Studies show that the quality of your life is really based on the quality of our relationships. If you want a better life, you have to create better relationships and that's what we're doing here. I love growing up, don't you? Pretty darn amazing. Alright, my friends, if you would like to talk with me about working together, Christmas is a great, great time to start doing this because it brings the new year and it brings a natural transition time for wanting to do things better. You know what? And if you want to coach with me, ask for coaching for your Christmas present. Right? This is so worth it. It is the investment that will change your life. If you have 30 years left in a relationship, think about it...the investment to create something now that will give you 30 years of a healthier, more intimate, more connected relationship. You could wait five years, but you also could invest and have five extra years of amazing goodness.

28:45

Okay? It's a great, great incredible opportunity. Coaching has changed my life. It has helped me create the life that I have with my husband and with my children that is so different than it was in the past. You've got this and I've got you. Okay? Keep listening, keep showing up. And again, if you are interested in a physical and emotional intimacy discussion group, send me an email. If I have enough people that are interested, then we will put something together. Those people who responded will get first dibs before I put it out for something bigger, okay, like on Facebook and stuff for people to sign up. So that's going to do it for us this week, my friends. Best of everything to you this week. And just wish you the best in seeing your own stuff and in figuring out how you want to show up with more trust in your relationships. Talk to you next week. Bye.

29:44

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.