00:00
Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 279: "When You're not Equally Yoked." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth... because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams, we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:18
All right, hello there, my friends. I am just so glad to have you here. I'm glad that you feel a drive in your life to step into something more deep and more meaningful and to go through the tough tough work of seeing your own stuff. It is hard and it is painful and it is difficult work and yet it is work that is so worth doing... the payoff in the person that you become, in the impact that it has on our relationships. It is just so valuable the the impact that this work has had on my own life, especially since my divorce, in being able to step into responsibility for the person that I was in my previous marriage for being able to clean up and step into a brand new place of self-respect. For being able to now create the most amazing relationship with my sweet husband, Sione. These tools are valuable. They are so valuable and they create for us the lives that we desperately long for, that our souls just ache to have this intimate connection. So I'm so glad you're here doing this work. Tough work to be sure but work worth doing absolutely. This week's podcast is titled "When You're not Equally Yoked." Okay, good stuff waiting for you today.

01:47
I have loved preparing this one. I'm just so excited to share this one with you. So the question of being "equally yoked" is one that comes up so often from mostly women, and some men, who I coach and whom I speak to and often what they're asking is "how do I stay married to somebody who wants a different engagement, emotional engagement, from me? How do I know when it's time to leave the marriage? What do I do if I want to stay married but I'm miserable because he doesn't seem to care? We're not equally yoked. We're not the same." And these are all really valid and honest questions and I love getting them because until we start asking these types of hard questions we won't start getting answers.

02:32
I think many of us, myself included in my previous marriage, are not happy. We feel unfulfilled. We feel as though our needs aren't being met, as though our spouse doesn't want to be emotionally connected or doesn't want intimacy or in some other way we see ourselves as unequally yoked. And this is a tough place to be because we can't make our spouse want anything different. We can't make them want an emotionally intimate deep relationship with us. We can't force them to sit down and share deep thoughts with us.

03:05
So today we're going to talk about ways that we can look at these situations and what do we do when we're not equally yoked? Now, I am divorced. I'm a firm believer that sometimes we need to walk away from situations. Sometimes they are so destructive and so harmful that that's part of the choices that we make. But I work with so many clients who are either in the divorce-making process and they're just like, "what do I do here? How do I move forward?" And my goal is not to have everybody get divorced if they don't want to and if the relationship is worth being saved. But I want us to be able to make good, clear decisions. And I think a lot of of us move into making quick decisions when we haven't quite cleaned up our side of what's going on.

04:00
So we're going to talk today about one more way that we can kind of clean up our own stuff. How can we stay married but yet find more fulfillment and more satisfaction? Okay. So let's start off today by talking about what I just previously mentioned, is that we cannot make our spouse do anything. This can often feel like a really difficult space to move into because we almost feel like we have the answers to the problems. If they would only do this different or do that another way, then we could get on the same page and things would be better. We really do think that we have all of the solutions and here's the problem with that. When we think we have all the solutions and they don't, we're putting ourselves in a one-up position, a place where we step out of equality and this will have some immediate negative consequences because that one-up thinking comes out of us in the tone of our voice, the shift of our eyes, the words we choose, or the small almost imperceptible sigh. I like to use the phrase that it just oozes out of us. We cannot help it. Okay. And people are really amazing at picking up on these sorts of details. You are, right? You're right when you can tell that someone sees you as less than and so is your spouse. People are good at noticing and seeing when someone thinks of them as less than. So one of the first places we need to go is the space that says, "I love you for who you are, for who you are choosing to be. I acknowledge you as another adult who gets to show up any way you want to. And I offer you grace because I know you have really valid reasons for showing up the way that you do." When we can really acknowledge that our spouse for their humanness and choose to love them in all of their humanness, we are doing something miraculous. We are honoring their agency to be the person they are choosing to be. We are also acknowledging that, just like us, they have reasons for why they show up the way they do, even if we don't have any idea what those reasons are.

06:14
When we take the time to dig deep into why we say or do hurtful things, very often we will find that we are masking some pain. We are avoiding some pain. We are responding to pain. We have fears that are crippling and overwhelming. And when we can offer this same space to our spouse, the grace that allows them to show up sometimes from a place of pain or a place of fear, we can get to a much more compassionate place in our hearts. And from this greater place of compassion, we can step more easily into honoring their agency, into really seeing them as another human who gets to make their own choices. Just as we don't want other people coming into our lane, neither do they. Even if we really, really, really know what is the best thing for them to do, even if we have all the solutions and we're positive, they don't want us in their lane. And hopefully we're learning how not to want to be there.

07:16
So the first step in this place of working through not being equally yoked is to honor their adult humanness to create their own life, to show up the way that they are. And this can feel really tricky because you will think that their agency is bumping into yours. And you're exactly right, especially when you're married. Our agency bumps and bumps and bumps and that is what humans do, especially when we choose to be married to one. And yet making peace with them being agents unto themselves and working to stop trying to change them is vital to feeling more at peace in your relationship. I do a lot of coaching on this, by the way, a lot. And very often we don't even realize we are swerving into someone else's lanes. Even the people closest to us, like a spouse and our children. And this is a huge part of the awareness that I help to create in my clients, is "where are you overstepping boundaries? Where are you going into other people's lanes?" When we can figure this out, then things really start to change. We show up more equal and we treat people with more clean love.

08:29
A second concept I want to remind you of is the Law of the Lid. Now, if you haven't listened to podcast number 87 called "The Law of the Lid", or number 262 was a replay of that, I think you will love this podcast. And I'll reference it again at the end. But here's the basic concept: Everyone is at a different place in all areas of their life and even in their emotional growth and development. And everyone's engagement with others is limited by where they are. Let's say that your spouse has the capacity to love it a four. That would mean that they are limited to loving someone at a level four. Not because they don't love the person, but because this is their capacity for whatever reason. There's a lid on their love. It may be trauma or shame in their past. It could be never having deeper emotional engagement modeled. It could be shackles from the social gender expectations. It's like a child who only knows addition and subtraction. You could give them an algebra equation and it wouldn't make any sense to them. They wouldn't be able to do it. In fact, their brain couldn't even comprehend the concepts needed to do the algebra because they don't understand multiplication and division yet. So for whatever reasons, they can only give love at a four. They don't even comprehend that there's a five, six, seven and eight.

10:06
Okay, here's another piece. They can also only feel love at a four. You could be offering them love at an eight and guess what? They will only feel it at a four because that's all their brain can comprehend. Again, it won't even compute that
there's a five, six, seven or eight. Not even on the radar. When we can start to wrap our brains around this concept that they really just may not even have the ability to go deeper, to engage the way that you want them to, we can develop a lot more compassion for them, which then has them showing up so differently in the relationship.

10:45
Okay, let's look at this from a thought model perspective. Okay, if our thought is "they don't want to connect deeper with me," then our feeling would annoyed, maybe dismissed, unimportant or unloved. When we feel any of those emotions, that's going to start showing up in our actions. Maybe we emotionally disengage, maybe we shame them, maybe we call them out, maybe we stop sharing and stop trying to connect deeper. The end result, we don't connect deeper with them. We don't want to connect deeper with them. We stop trying to connect. As always, it's so fascinating that our result line is directly reflected from our thought line and we are accusing them of doing something that we end up doing. Let's go back and look at that thought: "They don't want to connect deeper with me." The end result: we don't connect deeper with them. We don't want to connect deeper and we disengage. In fact, if we start ridiculing their efforts, if we tell them they aren't trying or they don't love us enough to engage in the relationship, then what happens? If they're at a four, their primitive brain is going to freak out, they will start putting up protective walls. They will close in and probably move closer to a three. There is too much pain and fear in that non-acceptance, in that rejection to move into vulnerability.

12:20
Think about this. What if they are really doing their absolute best at a four? They are stepping into all the vulnerability that they can comprehend. They are doing their best to connect and it never seems to be good enough for you. You call them out, you dismiss what they're offering. What do you imagine happens for them? They will most likely stop offering their best at a four. Again, their brain will seek to protect them from the pain of not being accepted and will tell them it's not a safe place to engage emotionally. Think of how hurtful it can be to put your best out there and have it rejected.

13:01
Often, this is what we do to people we love and not because we don't love them, but because we are scared. We feel fear. Our brain starts thinking things like "maybe they don't really love me. Maybe they regret marrying me. Maybe they don't want to be married to me." Those thoughts create fear. Our brain takes that fear and moves into protection mode. Then in protection mode, we start rejecting them and what they're offering. We don't give them space to be their own person who is at a different place than you are. We start creating exactly the relationship we have with our drama response created in our minds. We get a super disengaged relationship. I can see so clearly how I 100% engaged in this kind of thinking and behavior in my previous marriage and it makes me you so sad to think about how unkind and how unaccepting I was, in fact, how I outright rejected what he was offering because I didn't think it was good enough Okay, I don't love that and I don't want that for you. Okay, but here's let's go on.

14:16
Let's do the same model with a different thought. What if instead we thought "They do want a relationship with me. They are doing the best. They know how I'm grateful they are showing up in the ways that they can right now." Those thoughts create feelings such as compassion, patience, gratitude, and acceptance. What happens in our action line? Those feelings have a way of showing up expressing gratitude for what they're offering, validating their thoughts, accepting their offering, we keep showing up vulnerable, the end result? We show up in a relationship with them doing the best we know how. Notice again the thought and the result line match up almost every single time. The thought "they are doing the best they know how" shows up in our result line: "I am doing the best I know how." So wanting to create a deeper connection we choose to connect with them where they are at the four. We accept them for who they are and what they are capable of giving us. When we step into appreciation and gratitude for how they are showing up, when we let their best be good enough for us, when we embrace and truly accept what they are offering, what do you think the result is for that? We create a place that can feel emotionally safe for them and when they feel emotionally safe, what do you think that opens up for them? Well, if they feel inclined toward deeper intimacy with you because they feel safe, they just might start moving toward a five. Now can we guarantee that? No! Because they're another person who gets to choose how they show up and they need to work through their own fears and their own pain and their own shame But when we create a safe place, we create the possibility. We create a place where they, if they feel so inclined, might start to investigate and might start to look deeper. If their best efforts, though, have always been shut down and ridiculed and told that they're just not enough and rejected, they will shrink. If their best efforts are being lauded, appreciated, accepted ,there is possibility that they will want to grow and engage at a different level. The only way to create the possibility of growth is to move into greater love, into cleaner life love. And this is the space where we love with zero expectation of them responding to our love in any particular way. We are just loving because it's the person we want to be. But the chances of them responding with more intimacy are so much greater when we have created a safe space than when we're demeaning and dismissive of their efforts.

17:15
With people in my life that I would love to have a deeper connection to, I like to think about it this way. I get to create around myself a really safe space. In fact, I kind of envision it like a bubble surrounding me. I get to show up any way I want to in that space. And I really seek to show up loving and kind, without expectations, being emotionally engaged. The other person stands outside of that space. Now, not because my words and actions are keeping them out. Although I will tell you in the personal circumstance that I'm thinking of, it's very possible that my previous words and actions pushed them out, right?

But as the person stands outside that bubble, it's not because my words are keeping them out, but because in the past it might not have felt safe, or they just aren't interested right now in more intimacy. However, if that person ever feels like they would like to engage in deeper intimacy, and they ever peek their heads around the corner, they just might see that it looks safe and warm, it feels accepting and loving, and maybe, just maybe, they will choose to stick a toe in, and then maybe a foot, and possibly at some point they will choose to step into this space, they will choose to engage at a five, and maybe not. But in the meantime, we get to love how we're showing up. We're not creating resentment and anger in us, we're not pushing them away with our own emotional disengagement. We are feeling love and kindness and compassion towards them.

18:56
This is what we can control: how we're showing up, how we are choosing to engage emotionally. Now, I will say that this makes me much more vulnerable to crying and feeling pain. And yet for me in the instance that I'm thinking of, it's how I want to show up. "Emotionally engaged" is the person that I want to be. I want to be the person who feels pain because I love, not the person who shuts down out of fear for feeling the pain. About the first one and a half years that this relationship I'm thinking of shifted, I turned off my emotions and I found I didn't love the person that I was. I turned off because I didn't want to feel the pain. But I didn't love that person. So I consciously chose to re-engage even though like two years later, There has still been very little movement from this other person, but it feels amazing to me to choose to show up in a way that feels in alignment with my values and who I really want to be.

20:03
So I would suggest having a really honest conversation with yourself and asking how are you showing up for your person? Are you meeting them where they are, which might be a four, or are you beating them down for not being the eight that you want them to be? When I discuss this with my clients, the next obvious question is, "if I want to experience love at an eight, but my spouse is only capable of love or willing to give love at a four, and I don't want to get divorced, how do I get my needs fulfilled?" And that is such a great question. And what it supposes is that you think that it is your spouse's job to fulfill your needs. And I want to question that premise. There is no way that a spouse can fulfill all your needs. It is not their job. It never was and it never will be. Regardless of how many Hollywood rom-coms or Hallmark movies tell us differently. When we step into the power of fulfilling our own needs, in not waiting for someone else to take care of things for us, we will be much happier in life. What this means is you choose to find great joy and fulfillment in the four that your spouse offers. And then you take responsibility for finding other ways in your life to fulfill your needs for five, six, seven and eight. You might find a group of dear friends you communicate with regularly or one friend you connect with regularly. I fill this space for some of my clients. I'm someone that they can have a deep and meaningful conversation with. Maybe you will find the introspection with yourself through journaling more, doing other forms of self care. Maybe you have a sibling or a parent or even a child who can provide you with a deeper and more intimate relationship.

22:03
To be honest, I have a great intimate relationship with Sione. I think we both show up at pretty much the same level. And I also have all of the above things in place that I talked about. I take care to fulfill my own emotional needs. And this is something that I learned so strongly during my six and a half years of being single. I learned to take care of me. I learned that I am responsible for fulfilling my needs, for creating my happiness and the experiences that I want to have in life. When I am dependent upon someone else to fulfill my needs, I am stepping into "victim mode". Evidenced by the thought that the other person has to change in order for me to be happy. When we decide that we are responsible to take care of our own needs, when we move into the "hero mode," the place where we stop dwelling on problems and start executing solutions, this is where we really find happiness in life.

23:06
So then why would I get married again if I can fulfill all my own needs? Fair question, right? For me, I love having a partner
to have along for the ride. I love the opportunity to step into vulnerability like I never have before. I love learning how to
love more cleanly and openly and honestly, and I love learning how to love in a way that I have never known before. I love having someone who creates a safe space for me to explore my darkness and accepts me all the more for it. It's an incredible space of growth and not because he fulfills my needs, but because he helps me fulfill my own needs. So if in these difficult, seemingly unequally-yoked relationships, we can learn to acknowledge, accept and appreciate that the other person is giving us their best. We will feel so differently toward them and then we can look elsewhere for a place to fulfill our five, six, seven and eight.

24:14
All right, one last item I would love for you to think about and consider. Most of my clients for whom this is a discussion come with the premise that they are the one at an eight and their spouse is the one at a four. Consider this idea. What if it's actually the other way around? What if you are the one at a four and your spouse is the one at an eight? Maybe your spouse is the one showing up being vulnerable and putting little bloody pieces of their heart on the relationship table and you're the one turning away in disgust. You're the one not accepting them for who they are. You're the one dismissing their vulnerability. Maybe your inability to accept their bids for intimacy or your harsh judgment is actually a four. Maybe it is actually what is stagnating your relationship. Because here's the other thing about being a four. Even if the other person is offering you love at an eight, you can't comprehend that eight. You can only comprehend the four. But I think inside of our souls, we still desire something deeper, something more meaningful. But if we are capping ourselves at a four when our heart aches for an eight, even if our spouse is giving us an eight, we can't recognize that. We can't see it. We can't even comprehend that it's there. Fascinating to think about, right? And what if you're putting yourself in a one up position by thinking you're the eight is actually the problem and is not allowing you to see what they are contributing and it is stopping you from stepping into an equal partnership.

25:53
Equal partnership doesn't mean we are equal in all things. It means we are showing up, recognizing that the other person is a human with faults and weaknesses just like us, but maybe in different areas, and that we see them as a person of equal worth. We accept them as an equal. I see both women and men who easily slip into unequal partner mindsets. I see both women and men who fall into the trap of thinking that equal means the same, that they should have the same ideas about spirituality, about religiosity, about parenting, about money, about sexual relations, about emotional intimacy. And when we expect the same, it can be so, so easy to slip into one-up and one-down thinking and to start getting judgmental. And when that happens, we are not showing up as an equal and our thoughts and feelings and actions become destructive.

26:51
What if you actually are equally yoked? It's just that you have different strengths and weaknesses to bring to the table. Fascinating to consider, right? And if we turn these tables around and look for how we aren't showing up as an eight, we will likely see some pretty amazing things. "Amazing" in the sense that they will be surprising and they'll probably be very eye- opening and maybe even a little bit painful. But this is the work we're doing here. It is painful, to be sure, but it is the path to healing and growing and true joy in life. And it is work worth doing. It will change your life and it will change your relationships and that I can promise you. This is the work of growing up into middle age. I think so much of this is just not even available to us. I think we spend all of those younger years at a two, three, four, and then we get here and now we're finally capable of an eight. We can see things more deeply. I love growing up. It's amazing.

28:01
Okay, here's something I'm going to try to start adding on more of my podcasts. I'm going to give you a list of other podcasts that will supplement this content. They're all my podcasts, but here we go. If you want to check out "Law of the Lid," that is episode number 87. I have a great podcast called "Other People's Pain," number 231. "Stay in your Own Lane," episode number 272. "One-up and one-Down Relationships," episode 216. "Other People's Agency," episode number 257. "Equal Partnerships," number 271. "The Relationship Circle." That's where we talked about the relationship table, number 244. And "Clean Love," which is number 92.

28:46
Also if you want to get my weekend email, you can go to tanyahale.com, go over to the "contact me" page. (You have to scroll down a little bit. I can't figure out how to switch that on my website, but here we go). Scroll down just a little bit and it will say "you can sign up for the weekend win." I send out an email almost every Friday or Saturday and it's meant to be read in a minute or two. Just quick little nuggets of information that I get a lot of really really good feedback on. Okay and also if you want to follow me on social media, I am on Instagram and Facebook under Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching. Check it out there. So if you would like some personal help from me, I can help you see how you're showing up in your relationships in ways that you are not going to even be aware of. I can help you.

29:40
You can go as well to my website tanyahale.com. You can go to the "free consultation" tab at the top and you can get on my calendar and sign up for a time to talk to me about coaching and we can see if it's a good fit for you. I can answer all your questions. We can talk about your situation and about how coaching can help. I'm a not a heavy-handed coach at all. Like if it's a good fit for you, it's a good fit. If it's not, that's great too.

30:07
Keep listening to the podcast. Keep doing stuff here. So check out all those things. If you want more information of how to grow into better and stronger and healthier relationships, I love this work so much. Thank you. Thank you for being here. It's an amazing space, a very safe space for me, and I hope it's a safe space for you as well. Hope you have an amazing week, my friends, and I will see you next time.

30:31
Bye! Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my "free weekend win" Friday email. A short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week.

30:47
Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!