00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 277: "Your Spouse is Not Your Responsibility." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams... we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:21

All right, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Super, super glad to have you. I just love that you're here. I love that you're here because that means that you are interested in figuring out how to do this life thing in a way that's going to be more satisfying, in a way that's gonna have you feeling more love and expressing more love and being more loving and all the good things. And that really, I just more and more am realizing that love is what this is about. When the greatest commandment is to love God and to love others and love ourselves, that is the filter that everything starts running through for me. And I love this perspective of making love the biggest thing and the most important thing. And that's what I feel the work that we're doing here is providing us, is an opportunity to learn how to love better, to feel more love, and express more love.

01:21

So that being said, we are gonna jump in today with the topic of your spouse is not your responsibility. Now, whether you are married, whether you are single, hoping to get married again someday or married for the first time someday, or even if you're divorced, trying to figure out exactly what went wrong and not sure that you ever want to get married again, we're going to chat today about something that may be causing some consternation in your relationship, something that needs to be cleaned up for you to love better. And learning to clean this up will help you wherever you are in your journey. And for the record, I've been pretty much in all three of those camps in the last three years. So I've had a lot of cleaning up to do and I'm loving being able to share with you cleaning up that I have done and that I am still currently doing to just be more the person that I want to be and live more at peace with who I am and how I'm engaging in the world.

02:23

So what we're talking about today is the idea that we are responsible for our spouse. So there are a few different ways to look at this and first one is that we are not responsible for our spouse's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors and the second way to look at it is that our spouse is not our responsibility... our spouse is our choice. So we're going to talk about both of these. So let's dig in, here we go.

02:48

First, we are not responsible for our spouse's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. So I know that this seems really straight forward especially with all of the work that we do here. However, we get really hung up on nuances of thinking that we are responsible for things that we are not and that we should be able to control more of the things. For example, we might think that if we always have dinner ready when our husband comes home from work, that he will feel grateful. Notice the thinking that we can control his feeling of gratitude. Okay, we might believe that bringing home a paycheck and carrying the financial load, that he will see us as an equal and get more involved with home responsibilities. Notice the thinking that he will respond with equal partnership and do more things. We feel responsible for creating that in him. Here's another one. We sometimes think that if he gets more physical affection that he will stop complaining and be happier and more engaged in the relationship. This is us feeling responsible for his happiness and engagement in the responsibility in the relationship. We might think that when we tell him to look on the bright side, that he actually will and that his whole perspective on life will change. Again us trying to fix his perspective, trying to fix his thinking. When he says he's unhappy with his job, we may feel that it's our job then to balance out how things are going at home so that he can be happier in life. Again, us thinking we're responsible for his life, happiness and satisfaction. Okay, when he's struggling with overall life satisfaction, we feel responsible to help him find answers, to send him podcasts, to always be kind, and for heaven's sake, to smile when he comes in the door. And yet again, that's us taking responsibility for him being satisfied with life. Now these are all small and they're all very subtle ways that we can be trying to take responsibility for our spouse.

 04:57

I know when I was much younger in my previous marriage that I fell into a lot of this type of thinking. I really did feel that my happiness was dependent upon him and how he treated me, and that I was responsible for his happiness as well. Although I'm pretty sure that I saw it a little bit more one-sided (that he was in charge of mine) because I concluded that he was the reason I was so unhappy, right? So much messed up stuff. But when he wasn't happy, I also saw that as a reflection of me that I wasn't doing my job. And because of this, I felt a lot of responsibility to fix him because if he was happy, then that meant that I was being a good wife, right? So in this responsibility to fix him, though, I would tell him all the ways he was doing things wrong and try to have enough physical intimacy so he wouldn't be grumpy, right? A lot of duty sex, not a good thing. and to have dinner waiting for him so he could feel loved, to have the house clean when he showed up and all that kind of stuff. And when I would do all the things and he still wasn't happy, I would get super annoyed.

06:10

Now, had someone pointed out to me that I was being controlling, I don't know that I would have seen it at the time. I really didn't think I was being controlling. I thought I was being responsible. I thought I was supposed to be in charge of the atmosphere, of the very air that we breathed in our home. I just thought I was doing my responsibility to create a happy home, a peaceful home, a place where the spirit could dwell. And I took that admonition to create a heavenly atmosphere in my home very seriously. In fact, I took it so seriously that I crossed boundaries. I took it seriously enough that I was always swerving into everybody else's lanes. So that's the first big problem with thinking that I was responsible for my spouse.

06:57

The flip side of this thinking was that when he didn't respond the way I thought he should, then I would get all hurt and angry. For one, I took it personal, meaning that I thought I was doing it wrong, that he wasn't happy and satisfied because of me. And two, when he wouldn't change his thinking to be more positive or just think in the more Christ-like way that I thought he should, then I would get angry that he didn't just see the light, notice my amazing insight and come to my side of the table.

07:29

Being able to let our spouses really be themselves without trying to change or coerce or morph them into something else can be something that many of us struggle with. And to be fair, I really do think that we came by it honestly. We were taught in very roundabout ways that we were responsible for everyone's happiness and righteousness and choices. Let me give you some examples that I have seen in my own life, of how that showed up. The teachings when I was a teenager, if I wore something that showed my shoulders or too much leg or cleavage, that that was unfair to men because I was causing them to have impure thoughts. It was my job to dress in such a way that I kept their thoughts pure and holy. Very subtle, but see how that puts me in a place that I think I can control other people's thoughts. Right? Very subtle. And the backlash of this is also a lot of body shame for women. Right? Being ashamed of our bodies, feeling like we need to hide and cover up our bodies. It's a lot of taking responsibility for things that are not ours to be responsible for. I am not responsible for anybody else's thoughts.

08:45

Okay, here's another one. If we read scriptures and have prayer every day, our children would grow up loving the gospel, loving God and Christ, and they would never depart from the truths they were taught as a child on my knee. Again, a teaching that had many of us doggedly pulling everyone in for scriptures and prayer, fighting tooth and nail to get compliance, and everyone going to bed angry. And yet, I know, I thought, that just obeying the admonition to read and pray with my children would keep them safe from spiritual decay. It was a very fear-based compliance. I was responsible for how they accepted or didn't accept God based on what I did, the subtle idea that I was responsible for their testimony or lack thereof. Little wonder that so many of us beat ourselves up when our children used their agency to step away from the gospel teachings we gave them as children. We think it's our fault and we blame ourselves for their decisions. Again, notice how with this thinking, we believe their testimony is our responsibility. We believe that we are responsible for their choices.

09:59

Another gem from our youth is the idea that you better make sure your husband is physically satisfied, otherwise he'll look at pornography or he'll have an affair. If his needs aren't met at home, he will go elsewhere. Notice the inherent idea that we can control his thoughts and his feelings and his actions, that we are responsible for how our husband shows up. We are responsible for him being satisfied and whether or not he has an affair. Another fear-based concept. And what a horrible idea that we were taught. More women have stepped out of their sexuality, I think, with this teaching than we can count. When our sexuality becomes a tool to control the thoughts, the feelings, the actions of our husband, and it doesn't work, no wonder we question, resent, and step away from our inherent, God-given sexuality. We have stepped into engaging out of responsibility or obligation which will rarely create genuine authentic intimacy and then we wonder why our brain shuts down in this area and we struggle with libido. We are never responsible for our spouse's choices, even if they cheat and try to make us feel as though we are. Many a client has had a husband tell her that it's her fault that he cheated. Many are the stories of spouses saying that it's their fault that they aren't happy or don't have self-respect or they step away from the gospel and it's just not true.

11:35

Do we put actions in other people's circumstance line? Yes, we do and we are responsible for that. But that is all that we put into their model. Their thoughts, feelings and actions are all on them. Now, that's not to say that we don't want to put great things in their circumstance line. But then we get to learn how to let go and let them be responsible for the rest. You could have an amazing dinner waiting for your spouse when they got home and they may choose to make a plate and go in the other room and eat without you or look at their phone the whole meal. We aren't responsible for whether they feel grateful or whether they want to engage. Now, we can absolutely have a discussion about it and ask for something different. But that's another podcast. We've actually covered that kind of stuff otherwise, but we can do it again.

12:26

You can show up sexually in your marriage in a healthy and robust way and still have no control over whether your spouse looks at pornography or other women. And when we think we are responsible for their thoughts, feelings or actions, then when they don't behave the way we think they should, we start to think that we are a failure, that we are not a good enough wife, we aren't skinny enough or beautiful enough, we aren't righteous or spiritual enough. But our failure to control other people's thoughts and feelings and actions has nothing to do with us. We are not supposed to control all of that. We are not responsible for how other people how up. And when we take on more responsibility than is ours to take on, of course, we will feel like a failure because we will never be able to control how other people show up. When we can really let go of things we're not responsible for, we are free to step into a much healthier emotional space for ourselves.

13:26

What does it look like then to show up not responsible for everyone else? Here's some examples. We could say something like, "oh, I'm sorry, you've had a rough day at work. Would you like to talk about it?" And then they can talk about it or not. And we don't feel the need to fix it for them. We can be there to listen, to share ideas if they ask. to empathize, but not to fix, not to give unsolicited advice, not to internalize their anger and frustration. We don't have to be unhappy because they're unhappy. We can say loving and kind things, we can give them a hug, we can hold their hand, we can ask if there is something we can do for them, but we are not responsible for making them feel better. We are not there to take their stuff off of the table in the relationship circle. They get to put their stuff on the table, they can come home and say, "oh, it's such a frustrating day at work," and we don't touch it. We don't rearrange it, fiddle with it, try to manipulate it, take it back to our circle to fix. We just let it sit there and we find ways to support them as they work through it. So if you're not understanding these references, check out podcast number 244, "The Relationships Circle." Super valuable concept if you haven't listened to that one.

14:49

So there are a lot of communication tools I teach that can help you when you need to clean things up and work through things. But one of the first concepts is that you stay in your own lane. You are not responsible for whether they are happy or sad or engaging in the relationship or stepping into greater, or even less, religiosity. We are responsible for how we show up, for how we choose to treat them, for how we choose to think about them and feel about them. And that's all we're responsible for. The actions that we put into their circumstance line.

15:27

So one last comment about this aspect. When you see yourself as responsible for your spouse's thoughts, feelings, or actions, you are also one-upping yourself and one-downing them. What you're doing is saying that you know better than they do how they should be thinking and feeling and behaving. That's a one-up. Also, they're not doing it right. That's how we one-down them. And this can show up in so many ways. I used to do it in my previous marriage by trying to manage my former spouse's relationships with our children. Not only did I try to tell them him how he should be showing up differently and parenting different, but I also tried to help my children experience with their dad what I thought they should be experiencing.I would try and buffer and say, "oh, but your dad this" and "your dad that." But notice all of the "shoulds." That's a key indicator that you are one-upping and one-downing. Your spouse is an adult. He gets to show up however he wants to, whenever he wants to, even if it's not the way you think he should. Learning to give your spouse the space to be themselves and make their own choices can sometimes be tough, but it's an important thing, an incredibly important concept if you want an equal partnership. We have to see them as equals as well, not as children who need us to cut their meat for them and make decisions for them and tell them how to breathe and eat and clean their clothes.

17:09

Okay. Now let's talk about the second way that we often misuse responsibility in our relationships. So in case you need to be reminded, and this would have been really helpful for me years ago, your spouse is not a responsibility. Your spouse is a choice. Sometimes we forget this and we move into checklist relationship mode, just doing all the things we think we are responsible for. This can be so easy to do in our relationships. We forget to choose each other every day. And instead we just start moving into the daily grind. We're just taking care of business. When we get home, first starts dinner, we eat, we get dinner cleaned up, then we both start taking care of the things we need to. Maybe other chores around the house, maybe you still have kids at home that need time and attention. Maybe you have work items that still need to be done. Maybe you sit down and watch a movie or a TV show or spend some time on your phone and before you know it, it's later than you want it to be to go to bed. And you slink off hoping your spouse is either already asleep or that you're asleep before they get there because you're just too tired to engage physically, emotionally, or even mentally. Another day of responsibilities is done, sleep the night away, and then rinse and repeat.

18:30

And before we know it, we've settled into a routine of relationship responsibility. And when things don't go smoothly, we can get upended. We can feel frustration or anger or apathy and we add another brick to our ever-growing wall of emotional protection, completely unaware that we've just added it. And over the course of weeks and months and years, that wall gets pretty big. We most likely have some connected moments in there, times when we slow down and enjoy the relationship, but those times become the exception. They become the novelty or we save them for that next weekend getaway that we don't have planned yet, but that we know will happen. And we just seem to get farther and farther away emotionally and we feel the responsibility more and more and more and we feel connection less and less. And our relationship suffers. We forget how to connect. Then we start to avoid connecting because really it's so much easier to focus on responsibility than relationship. We still feel like we're engaging. We're doing what we're supposed to do. And guess what? It makes it easier to connect, for some really great arguments about who's not doing what when we both feel the other's needs, the other needs to step it up and meet our needs more. We feel very justified in our part of the argument when we are focused on our spouse being a responsibility. So I know I've talked about relationship and or responsibility in the past and I just want to clarify that in this context, the responsibility is talking about all of the things that we do not taking responsibility for our own thought processes.

 20:22

Okay, so here we're talking about all the things that we do when we take our focus off of the person and start seeing them as an object as just one more thing we're in charge of. Our relationship will suffer. And here's the reminder again, your relationship is not a responsibility. Your relationship is a choice. Your spouse is a choice. They are not something on your to[1]do list. They are a person you have chosen to have in your life and not a thing you have chosen to do in your life. We find a lot of dissatisfaction in our lives when we start thinking of our lives in terms of responsibilities rather than relationships. When the things become more important than the people we love or when we start seeing our spouses as a thing to be responsible for, or in other words, as an object, we are creating disconnection.

21:24

So, how do we start to focus on the relationship more? How do we stop thinking of our spouses as an object of our responsibility and instead see them as a person we have chosen? First, start to increase your awareness around how you think about your spouse. How often do you put them in the to-do list as opposed to the "I choose to connect list"? How often do you make them a responsibility rather than focusing on the relationship? Notice your language around doing things for your spouse. How often do you use phrases like "I have to" or "I need to" or "I should"? Those are key indicators that you are seeing them even subconsciously as a responsibility rather than a choice. You are seeing them as an object rather than as a person. And to begin with, just notice. Just pay attention. Watch your interactions and see how often you catch yourself putting them in your responsibility column. And watch with a lot of compassion. These are probably some pretty ingrained thought patterns.

22:45

So, of course, it's going to be your brain's go-to and it's going to come up again and again and again. But just notice with a lot of curiosity and a lot of compassion. "Huh? There it is again. Interesting that I've thought that way several times today." That's what compassion sounds like to yourselves. Just noticing. "Huh? There it is again." And then once you've increased your awareness, you can start speaking very compassionately to yourself about what you notice and what you'd like to change. "Huh? There it is again. And yet he's not a responsibility. He's my choice. I want to have a strong relationship with him and I want to feel connected." Okay. Notice you're not saying, "Oh my gosh, when am I going to be able to let go of this?" Right? We're not beating ourselves up. We're not being harsh on ourselves or upset or angry with ourselves. We're just going, "Oh. There it is again. Huh. But I do want to choose him and I do choose him. Let me just nudge, nudge, nudge that thought process just a little bit in the direction I want to go. He is my choice." Right? So we can start doing this. And the more we continue to offer a new thought to our brain, the more our brain will get used to that new thought and it will start to implement it on its own.

24:13

But it takes consistency and it takes time. Stick with it. Constantly and always continuing in compassion for your journey. Okay. I would also suggest something else you can do. Make a list of all the reasons that you do choose your spouse. What do you love about them? What do you appreciate them? What do they do really well? Now notice that because our primitive brains are always looking to protect us, they are always looking for what is wrong. It is the default of our brain. And if we spend our days, weeks and months constantly focused on what our spouse is doing wrong, we are going to be miserable and we will start seeing them as a responsibility rather than a choice. If you have ingrained thought patterns here of looking for the negative, you will need to start redirecting those thoughts as well. Again, a lot of compassion, a lot of curiosity. What we are doing is retraining your brain to see the amazingness that your spouse brings. And this requires, again, time and consistency. When you notice a negative thought, it can be helpful to then focus your brain on more positive by then identifying several positive things about your spouse.

25:35

Your negative thoughts are just that: they are thoughts. They may not even be true thoughts, although your brain is going to be fully convinced that they are true thoughts, but they may not be. And here's the thing, thoughts can be changed. Start redirecting your brain, nudging your brain gently to thinking positive things and retrain your brain to notice more positive than negative. And for heaven's sakes, let's step into some vulnerability and start speaking these positive thoughts to our spouse. Verbalize them and as often as possible, let them know how much you appreciate them and are grateful for them and how in awe you are of them. Train your brain to think the way you want it to think. And then from this more positive brain space, you can start to decide how you want to start showing up differently with your spouse. How do you want to interact in ways that make him a person you want to have a relationship with rather than something you are responsible for? For example, you might try to be more aware of your touch points during the day. When either of you are coming at or going, how are you interacting? Are you sneaking out of the house? Hoping that you don't have to say goodbye? John Gottman, who's a really great marriage therapist, suggests a six second kiss whenever you are coming and whenever you are going. Taking six seconds to connect, to really see and acknowledge your spouse to let them know you love them. I love this idea and Sione suggested this before we got married. And we generally do this and I love it.

27:25

I think that it has been a really great thing for us to slow down a bit to see each other, to acknowledge each other. Sione and I also decided before we got married that if one of us has an errand to run that we will do them together as often as possible. And sometimes that means that we put down a book, we put dinner on hold or we pause a project we're working on just so that we can run this errand together. And it's a huge thing for us to be able to drive together in the car, to hold hands and chat about things that are going on or not chat, to just drive and be with each other.

28:02

So that's something that we have done to choose how to spend time together. There's another one. Are you aware of what your spouse's love language is? Are you actively seeking to show them love in a way that will be unmistakable for them? Often that means we choose to show up in ways that might feel a little uncomfortable for us. But in this case, we are choosing them over our own comfort.

28:29

Here's another one. Are you engaging sexually? Generally for women, we don't feel desire until we've started to get aroused, which is different from men who generally feel desire and then they get aroused. So it can be important for us to choose to engage in order to create desire. Desire just does not show up generally for women. Now some women it does and good for you, girl, right? But a lot of us have to choose to engage and then we create that desire, right? We need to show up in ways that nurture our physical and emotional intimacy and those two are so connected we can't have one without the other.

29:16

Okay, here's another. Making time for each other like going for a walk or a bike ride together after dinner or even watching a favorite show together while cuddling, right? Sitting close to each other can be helpful. Sitting beside each other at church rather than with kids between you or a foot away. Let's intentionally choose our spouse. Something else that my husband and I do is we have two songs that whenever they come on we stop what we're doing and we slow dance to them.

29:46

So this happens sometimes in the kitchen like when we're cooking dinner together and this always gets the feels for me. It gets my feels going, right? So FYI, they're both Andy Grammar songs. I don't know if you're an Andy Grammar fan but we love him. And it's the songs "I Am Yours" and "I Choose You." And those two songs, when we stop what we're doing and slow dance to those in the kitchen, that always creates a strong feeling of connection and choosing for me.

30:16

Okay, there are so many ways to choose your spouse. Do what feels genuine to you and to your relationship. But do something. How are you making your spouse a person that you choose a person that you want to connect with? When you are managing your thoughts first, focusing on their positive attributes, feeling gratitude for them, then these types of actions will be easier. It won't feel like you're just white-knuckling it, forcing yourself to do something.

30:48

Now, if it's been a long time, jumping into some of these actions is going to be uncomfortable for you. Guess what? That's totally normal and it's okay to be uncomfortable and feel nervous to try something new or re-engage in a way that you haven't for a while. That requires vulnerability and vulnerability is always uncomfortable, but vulnerability is vital for us in choosing, in creating the intimate emotional relationships that we want. It's okay if it's uncomfortable. You can do it anyway. You can choose your spouse and in doing so, you are choosing a different engagement, a different relationship, and a more connected relationship. You've got this. This is part of growing up in middle age: recognizing the patterns of complacency that have shown up, the patterns of to-do lists, of responsibility, and choosing to step out of them. Choosing to choose. I love growing up, don't you? It's so great.

 32:03

Okay, if you need some help with this, this is what I do. This is one of my superpowers as a coach, helping you see the patterns of behavior that you're not recognizing. And the thing that I love so much about the one-on-one coaching is that it will fast forward your progress in a way that nothing else can. I think I may have mentioned this last week, but I have a client who has listened to me for almost a year. She has gone back and listened to so many of my podcasts. She has taken group coaching classes with me twice. She has been around for a long time and she's worked hard to implement this. She takes notes on the podcast she does a lot of stuff and she finally hired me this last couple months ago to work with her and she just is always like, "this is a game changer. One-on-one just makes things so much more clear." And I personally believe that one-on-one will give you progress in three or six months that it might take you three or six years to gain on your own. If you can invest in something that will help your relationship in three or six months, really be in a better place for the next 30 years, that's way more important than a trip to Disneyland, my friends. Way more important than getting a car six months earlier.

33:37

I promise you it is so worth The work that we do here? It has made such an incredible difference in my life and in the lives of so many of my clients and I feel so honored to be part of your journey If you feel like this is the time Let's invest some time. Let's invest some energy. Let's invest some money to get you and your relationship in a place that Is going to be healthier and happier.

34:06

Okay, and lastly my friends if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please do a few things for me. Make sure that you're subscribed so you don't ever miss an episode. Leave me a review. If you can get on Apple and leave a review, you can actually type a quick paragraph in there and it doesn't have to be under your name. It can be something else. Spotify allows you to leave stars, but I haven't yet figured out how to leave comments there and share this with somebody. This content really is life-changing. Share it with friends and then you can talk about it and and figure it out.

34:41

Okay, that is going to do it for me. If you're not signed up for my "weekend win" email that comes go to tanyahale.com and get signed up. They're just meant to be read in a minute or less but they are great. I often often get responses from people who say, "wow this was such a good one!" So much good stuff to think about. Just a little nugget to look at okay and yeah that's it. Have an awesome awesome day. If you are interested in one-on-one coaching, go to tanyahale.com, go to the free consultation tab at the top, and let's do this ,my friends. Have an awesome week and I will see you next time. Bye.

35:22

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email; a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best. self ever. See ya!