00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 269, "Fine: The Four-Letter F-Word." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:21

Alright, my friends, welcome to the podcast today. If you are coming back, I'm so glad that you are finding stuff here that is meaningful for you and that hopefully is helping you to reframe things in your life so that you can show up better the person you want to be so that you can feel the peace that comes from stepping into better understanding of how we can strengthen our relationships, how we can communicate and connect better, how we can honor people's agency, all these things that make such a huge difference. I love sharing them. If you are brand new to the podcast, if this is your first one, so glad you're here. I hope that this is insightful for you and I hope that if you enjoy this, if this is your kind of content, that you take some time to go back and listen to some other episodes that can really help you to see things in a different way. I hope that it's helpful. I know that for me, my journey of having been married 24 years and then divorced and then going through a boatload (my kids would say a buttload) of learning and growth and figuring things out and trying to understand what happened wrong and then now being in a new relationship, married coming up on a year and a half in about six weeks, applying these concepts and the incredible difference that these things make in our lives.

01:47

I just can't believe sometimes the difference of the relationship that I'm in now and how meaningful it is and how we both have the capacity to step into something that neither of us had before and it's because we both apply these tools and it makes a difference. But even if you have somebody in your life who's not interested in applying these tools, you still can make a huge difference by doing it. And if you're inbetween relationships, like if you're one of those people who got divorced and you're just like, "mmm, not sure the marriage is for me."Okay, that's good. "Or I want marriage, but not right now. I'm not even close," or wherever you are, the thing that is helpful about the things that I share is this is part of the process of figuring out where were my sticking points when I was married. So, you know, what are the things that I was doing that were adding to the dysfunction of our marriage? And really, I think this information can help us step into more responsibility, whether we're married or not, but so that we can figure things out so that we can show up better in every relationship and not just a marriage relationship, but in relationships with siblings, in relationships with adult children, in relationships with our parents, these tools have have changed my life and changed my relationships, and I hope that it's doing the same for you. So with that we're gonna get started today.

03:14

We are talking about Fine: the four -letter F-word. So if you've been listening to this podcast for at least the last year you've heard me, and sometimes my husband when he's been on, talk about the four-letter F-word in our house, and that is the word "fine." It seems like an okay word and it's not usually one that we associate with being a cuss word. So today we're going to talk about why we have outlawed this word in our marriage. So let me start with this premise: our goal in our marriage is to have an equal partnership and an intimate partnership. That means that my wants and needs are important, but not more important than his, and that his wants and needs are important, but not more important than mine. It means that both of our opinions are important. It means that we really work together to create a space where we are both the head of the household. Because neither of us have the final say every time. We both are in charge of making this marriage work and of making our home run well, and I'll be honest, this has been a space that at times has been difficult for me to get to and I'm gonna tell you why.

04:26

I remember being taught at church when I was a teenager, back in the 80s, that after I got married that my husband and I would discuss situations, that I could share my opinions and ideas, but that he would have the final say on making the decision, because duh, he was smarter at figuring things out. He would have more spirituality and be more attuned to the Spirit and he would be wiser than me. And I just went with it. I figured this was just the way things were. And it is the way things were both in church and culturally outside of the church in the 70s and 80s. And I so I would just submit to it even though my insides were crawling and screaming, "That's not right! I'm smart and capable too." And I really don't believe this is something that was just a church thing...mostly I think it was the 70s and 80s US cultural thing and maybe before then and I just don't know because I wasn't alive. I don't have a frame of reference for that. But this idea that the man was more important, that his ideas and logic were better than mine, that men were smarter and superior than women, that they were needed to be in charge because we were the weaker sex. You remember hearing that phrase a lot. These ideas seeped into my previous marriage and they caused a lot of problems. I was always resentful of feeling like I had to give into his decisions, that my voice didn't matter, but I also felt that it was what was necessary for me to be a righteous good wife. And so I tried, boy, boy I tried, but there was so much resentment and frustration and anger. And it was really destructive in my marriage, obviously, right? You can't have that much intense difficult emotion and not have an impact. And I think that this is when I learned to say, "I'm fine." Now, I know you all have seen memes that say, "I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine," or maybe t -shirts, right? And we know darn well that everything is not fine in that meme.

06:33

And yet in our own lives and situations, we lie and we say that everything is fine. Yep, we lie. That may sound a little harsh, but it's not. Let's just call it what it is. We lie and we say everything is fine. So why do we lie? Sometimes we're just not up to the conversation that we'll follow if we're honest about our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we haven't even worked through our thoughts enough to know what we're feeling and why we're feeling the way we are. Sometimes we're just so used to ignoring our own feelings and thoughts and emotions to keep the peace that we don't even notice that we're saying it. But let's be clear, it's not honest; something is off. We're hurt or we're angry or we're frustrated and we're pretending that it's all okay when it clearly isn't. No, it's fine. Serious, it's fine. No, it's fine. You hear that going on? Yeah, but until we start being honest in our relationships, whether it be a marriage or a parent-child relationship or friendship or whatever, we will never have a healthy relationship. And in the context of marriage, we will never fully be equals if we can't be honest with each other. Now I know for me, so much of this lying came because I was trying to keep the peace. But keeping the peace is not the same as being a peacemaker.

 08:11

Okay, I'm gonna give you lots of podcasts today to go back and take a look at if you haven't and if this interests you. So here, check out podcast number 204 called "Being a Peacemaker" to learn more about how being a peacekeeper and being a peacemaker are different. But in this context, keeping the peace was not fighting outwardly. I was being quiet, everything was fine, but it was wreaking some craziness on the inside of me. I was angry and I was hurt and I was absolutely not at peace inside. And this provides a perfect environment for resentment to start to grow. And in this context, I learned to put myself last: getting the smallest piece of pie, getting the last choice of the chores to do, which meant I always had to do the hardest one. I learned to be a dysfunctional form of selfless that came packaged with a lot of difficult, strong emotions, mostly directed toward my former spouse. Because it wasn't my fault. You see, I was doing what I was taught needed to be done in order to have a happy marriage. And yet it was all wrong. Whoever came up with this idea that the woman is less than and then taught us to be spiritually humble and submissive, to be that way we needed to also see ourselves as less than, has done so much damage to marriage relationships. So that wasn't my fault that goes against everything I've taught you, right? I have to take responsibility. It also was my fault. Everything inside of me was fighting the idea that I was second, that I was less than and I didn't listen to that voice, I didn't listen to my voice. I was so hung up on working to be spiritually obedient that I acted against the voice inside of me. Now, I don't know that we can put blame here, right? Like I'm not trying to blame anybody. I'm just saying that this is the circumstance that I grew up in and I know that many women had different experiences. But this was mine, right? But what I found is that then when I was married and when I did try to speak up, when I shared my views, my opinions, my desires, and they were discounted, I would breathe deep, I would bite my tongue and then submissively say, "it's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine." Now, not all the time, mind you. You should know me well enough to know that sometimes that feisty part of me would push back so strongly and then we would have a huge fight and I would generally walk away believing it was all my fault that I was such a bad spouse and that I wasn't righteous or spiritual enough because if I was, I would be more submissive and wouldn't have said anything. So I learned to say, "I'm fine." I learned to lie rather than speak my truth and cause a huge fight.

11:07

Now another layer to this is that I didn't understand at the time how to have that conversation that would allow my voice to be heard. All I knew to do was to blame and accuse and attack, which of course is part of what created that huge fight. Right? I wasn't being kind. I was attacking. So instead of creating a huge fight to keep the peace, I would say, "I'm fine." There was no partnership. There was no unity. There was no equality. Both of us, my ex -husband and me, were both playing the roles that we felt society had taught us to play to have a good marriage. And it was actually a disaster. I believe this is part of the reason our generation is having so many midlife divorces. This "take one for the team" belief is demeaning and discounting and it creates one-up and one-down relationships. And we can't thrive in that. The resentment, it's inevitable.

12:18

Okay, but for my men listeners, and I know that I have a lot of those because you reach out to me, you also say you're fine when you're not. Women have been taught that you're the head, but we're also told that we're the neck. We should have all control over the head. And we're taught how to move into this control space from a young age when we weren't allowed to wear a dress that showed our shoulders or that showed too much leg because we had to control men's thoughts with how we dressed. We were taught never to win a game or make more money than our spouse because that would damage his fragile ego and we needed him to be in control, or we needed to be in control of his ego. And many women move into a very heavy[1]handed behavior, including passive aggressive behaviors and manipulative behaviors in order to get what we want. I know that when I moved in that space, it was because I felt like that was the only way that I could be heard. And it was horrible. It was mean. So many of us, though, began to believe that we should push harder for what we wanted, be more manipulative, find other ways to get what we want because we couldn't say it, or we wouldn't be righteous or spiritual enough, right? And so we started finding all of these more dysfunctional ways, and you men were taught to say something stupid, like "yes, dear," because that was the salve to settle your wife's angst down. And "yes, dear" is just like saying, "I'm fine." It's a shutting down of our voice, of what we really want, of being honest. It's not listening to our inner voice that tells us there is more here. "Yes, dear" is a one-down position. And you know, as men move into that space of, "okay, I'm just going to do what has to be done, so whatever it takes to keep the wife happy." All right, come on. This is not equality in our marriages. Neither is "I'm fine." It's not equality. We are one-upping and one-downing. It breaks down the equality that our relationships were meant to have. When we are not honest with each other, when we can't have tough conversations, when we're scared of rocking the boat and we feel like we're walking on eggshells, something is terribly wrong in our relationship and it will continue to stay wrong and also even get worse and worse until we learn to be honest.

14:58

So here's another insight about "I'm fine" that I think you'll find interesting. It's gaslighting. Now if you haven't listened to episode number 255 called "What is Gaslighting," you may want to put that in your queue. So really quickly gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that hinges on creating self doubt. It is intentionally distorting reality to make somebody feel like what they're seeing or feeling isn't real. So when someone perceives that something is wrong with us, when they are observing our actions, listening to our voice, watching our facial expressions and they can tell something is wrong and then they ask us, "Hey, is something wrong?" And we say, "I'm fine" when in fact, we're not fine, not only are we lying, but we are also gaslighting. We're creating self doubt, right? In essence, we are telling them that everything they're perceiving, all the cues they're picking up on, are wrong. Their ability to sense this discord is off. Creating self doubt. That's gaslighting.

16:10

Now, most of us would never intentionally want to gaslight someone, especially someone we love. But we do when we use the phrase, "I'm fine" when things are not fine. Also this is a very one-up move. It's a very subtle way of saying, "you're not smart enough to read me" or even "you're not worth my time to talk to about this." Now, I absolutely understand that after years in a difficult relationship with so much hurt that we are almost always running around with thick armor on and we have this amazing huge wall to hide behind to protect ourselves. And "I'm fine" is part of that armor, or part of that wall. But again, things will not start getting better until we step into equality, until we start being honest and having equal conversations rather than reverting to one-up and one-down responses. Okay, so if you want more information on one-up and one-down relationships, check out podcast number 216 of the same name. And if you've listened to these podcasts in the past, a re-listen with this idea as your context will bring some new light and understanding. It could be really helpful.

17:23

Are you starting to get a sense of why Sione and I (Sione's my husband, if you don't know,) why we feel so strongly about not using the phrase "I'm fine"? Both of us found that it added to the dysfunction of our past relationships, and we absolutely intentionally choose not to go there again. Our relationship is based on choosing to be 100% honest. And this is why we have the "No Back Burner Issue" rule, which is podcast 193. And this is also why we use the "Owning Your Own Technique," which is podcast number 239. Told you I'd give you a lot this time, right? But these give us a context for being honest in a way that is loving and kind, that drops the accusing, the blaming, the attacking. It helps us have those conversations. Also being honest in these ways really helps to resolve the hurt and the conflict. It is hurtful when we feel like we have to say "I'm fine" and it's hurtful to be lied to. It's hurtful on both sides. And an added bonus for some of y'all: if you are dating or trying to decide whether to stay in your marriage or in a relationship or to leave, how the other person responds to your kind and loving honesty is really good data. It can let you know whether the other person can or is willing to step into intimacy or not and whether they are okay with an equal partner or if they feel threatened by it. Holding on to those back burner issues by saying "I'm fine" is actually destroying any hope for a stronger and better relationship. Please learn to talk about these back burner issues in a healthy way. I know for many of y'all, because this was me too, it's super scary to start stepping into honesty after years of hiding difficult emotions and thinking that you were doing good at the time. But holding on to those difficult emotions, shutting down, saying you're fine is not doing good. It's being destructive. You're not being honest with yourself or with the other person. You are most likely boiling and seething under your peacekeeper uniform, and that will only continue to build until it has destroyed the love and the tenderness you used to feel in your heart and filled your heart up with resentment instead.

19:58

When we continue to build relationships built on dishonesty, we are creating a very shallow relationship. There is a false sense of security and closeness. There's a false sense that everything is going fine, but it's only going fine on the surface. And people might look at us and think, "oh, what an amazing relationship" we have and then be completely shocked three weeks later when they hear that we filed for divorce. Because under that shallow crust of civility is a torrential storm of dishonesty and heartbreak and distrust.

20:35

Here's the fear for many of us. We worry that if we start speaking up, if we start communicating our hurts and our true wants and desires, if we stop saying "I'm fine" and say, "actually, let's have a chat," that it will rock the already-fragile relationship boat that we've got going on. And guess what? You're probably right. It most likely will rock the boat because you are changing the rules of engagement and people are often very resistant to change. The other person might be thinking, “wait a minute, this is the way we've always done this. Why is she changing the rules?" Or they might think, "this is how it's always been and now she's pushing back. I don't like this. This isn't comfortable." Of course they don't like it. The people who benefit most from us not having boundaries are the people who benefited most by us not having boundaries. Not that they were all intentionally taking advantage, but getting your way is something that we get used to pretty easily. And then it's hard when all of a sudden we don't get our way. So yes, if this is new to you, expect some growing pains. And I'm just gonna be honest, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but I promise you, whatever your outcome, you continue to start showing up honestly, to start having these tough conversations. Of course, owning your own, doing all these things that are gonna make a difference, you will feel so much more authentic, so much more content with who you are and fulfilled and how you're showing up when you speak up honestly. You will strengthen your self-respect and your self[1]love.

22:19

Okay, so the next question I hear a lot of y all asking, "how do we do this? If I don't say 'I'm fine,' what do I say?" Okay, so let me give you a couple of options. If you are not finished processing your thoughts and feelings about it, which you have to do in order to use the "own your own process," if you've not finished processing them and they ask if everything is okay, you can say something like this: "Actually, I'm struggling with the discussion we had about _____, but I haven't quite worked it out all out in my mind yet, but I absolutely wanna talk to you after I've figured it out. I'll get back to you when I have." Notice you're not deferring to, no, "I'm fine, it's all fine, everything's okay." You're not lying. You're being honest about the fact that you have some concerns and also honest about the fact that you want to discuss it at a later time. And notice you're also not moving into your drama response, right? We're just doing it. So no lying, no gaslighting, no drama. This creates equality in the relationship.

23:24

If you have had time to work through your own thoughts and feelings about a circumstance, you're ready to own your own and they ask if you're fine, here's a sample reply: "Actually, I've been working through my thoughts about _______ and I have some things I'd like to talk to you about. Is now a good time?" Then when the time is right, you can move into your own your own, which remember sounds like this: "when _____ this happened, I felt ______ because I was thinking _____ ." Then always follow up with asking them for clarification and getting curious. That would sound like this: "What are your thoughts about it? What am I not understanding? Can you tell me where I'm wrong about this? What are you seeing that I'm not seeing? Will you help me understand your point of view on this?" And then curiosity, curiosity, curiosity. Our goal here is to really understand the other person and their point of view. Our goal isn't just to lambast them with everything going wrong. Our goal is to collaborate to sit together to try and figure this out.

24:37

Remember, we are working together to create an equal partnership, and it has nothing to do with who is right and everything to do with what is right, we are moving toward collaboration rather than compromise. Compromise most often has a winner and a loser. Someone gets what they want and the other person doesn't. It's a "you against me" mentality. It's like we're on sides of the table in opposition to each other, different sides of the table, and the problem on the table that we're approaching often gets forgotten because we start focusing on the other person and how they're wrong. They become the problem. Collaboration is when we scooch, scooch, scooch our cute little bums around the table. We sit next to each other and we solve the problem together. It becomes us against the problem. The problem that we put on the table gets our attention and we're trying to attack the problem rather than working to attack the other person. And this space of honesty takes a lot of intentionality. And that can be hard when our primitive brain is like, "oh girl, I got you. I know how to respond. Don't even worry your pretty little head about it, right?" Like it requires that we step into it and don't just let our thoughts and our emotions take over. But that's what we are here to do on this podcast. Intentional living, learning how to show up intentionally, choosing to live in a way that feels in alignment with who we really want to be, showing up as the spouse, the parent, the friend, the coworker, that we want to be, choosing to interact in ways that contribute to the relationship rather than destroying the relationship. So remember: collaboration, not compromise. Scoot your butts around that table, sit side by side. It's not us against them, it's us against the problem.

26:50

Okay so saying "I'm fine," when used as a way to deflect an honest response, that has got to go away and it has to go away today. In the long run, you will not regret learning how to be more honest in your relationship regardless of the outcome. The self-respect alone is worth it, not to mention the possibility of a much deeper and a more intimate relationship. This is part of growing up into middle age. Putting these pieces together, oh my gosh, this has been a journey for me. From 24 year dysfunctional marriage to figuring out so much stuff to now being able to implement these tools and implement the things that I'm figuring out and having them make more and more sense to me, the more that my husband and I use these. This is brilliant, promise you, this just works. What my husband and I are doing here is mind-boggling to me. Mind-boggling. When we start showing up honest, everything changes and like I said, it might be harder before it gets better but that's okay, that's part of the process. You will not regret stepping into this space. So "fine," it's a four-letter F-word in my house and I hope that you start revisiting how you're using the word "fine" and figure it out. I love growing up, don't you? It's an amazing space.

28:38

Okay, my friends, if you don't get my weekend email, please go to tanyahale.com, go to the "contact me" tab at the top. You have to scroll down a little bit and I can't figure out how to change that so that I put it at the top. So anyway, scroll down just a little bit and it will say "sign up for the weekend win." Do that. I send out emails usually on Fridays, but I'll tell you what, the last two weeks I've completely forgotten about it. That's kind of crazy, but here we go. Humans, humans, like our brains just do what they do, but generally on Fridays or Saturdays, you're gonna get an email and they're meant to be read in a minute or less, maybe two, just short stuff to make you go, "huh, that's worth thinking about" and I think they're really helpful. So go and check that out. Get signed up. I don't send out a ton of stuff at this point, but I love sending out just little tidbits of information that are gonna help you. Okay. Have an awesome awesome week, my friends. I will see you next time. I hope you come back and I hope you share this with a friend who can who needs to stop saying "I'm fine." Have a great week. Bye.

29:45

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.

changed my life, and I'm just so glad that I get to share this stuff with others.

01:14

Now I just want to clarify, lest you think that I am perfect at all of these things, we will clarify that I am not. I'm still very much a work in progress but learning how to implement better, learning how to be aware, learning how to see myself more clearly, has made a huge huge difference in my life. And that's what I want to share with you. I don't share it because I'm perfect at it. I share it because it's made a difference for me and I'm so grateful for coaching and for what it's given me. And I hope that it's having a positive impact in your life as well.

01:49

Okay before we start today, I'm just gonna say I listened to the last couple of podcasts and was just laughing because you can hear the cicadas outside, which means that I've been recording either in the afternoon or the evening and there have been a couple times where you could hear the thunder in the background because the thunderstorms we have here in the Midwest are amazing. They're so great. So we have these great thunderstorms but I could hear them in the background of my recording and I thought that was funny. But today it's morning and the sun is out so maybe we won't get cicadas and maybe we won't get thunderstorms, so we'll have to see.

02:26

All right, today we are going to be talking about staying in your own lane. So I know that I've used this phrase before but we're going to dive a little bit deeper into what this means. So you know those times when you're driving down the freeway and a car in the lane next to you drifts into your lane? Think about your reaction. Usually for me it's a little bit of "whoa buddy pay attention! Stay in your own lane!" Right? Like I think they're doing it on purpose. And I've also noticed that when I'm the one who drifts, my response is (and I usually do say this out loud) is, "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that."Right? Like it's so funny how other people drift on purpose and for me it's an accident, right? And I think most of us are like that, right? Our brains understand that, for me, I didn't mean to do that, that it was an accident, but we go right into blaming the other people.

03:19

 Sometimes when people don't stay in their own lane, it's a minor inconvenience, right? It might get our heart pumping a little faster, but no harm, no foul, right? We just keep driving and pretty soon we forget about it. Other times when people don't stay in their own lane, depending on where they are and how far they drift, it can cause something more intense. It might cause a knee-jerk reaction of us swerving to avoid getting hit or slamming on our brakes, which can cause us to swerve into somebody else's lane or maybe into somebody else's car and cause a bit of a chain reaction of swerving or it could put the person behind us at risk of rear-ending us with our sudden break. And I think that most of us can agree that when driving, staying in our own lane is a good idea. It's the most effective way to keep everyone safe and moving and keep everybody calm. So today we're going to talk about staying in our own lane in our relationships, rather than on the road.

04:14

When we stay in our own lane emotionally, it is also the most effective way to keep our relationships safe, to keep us moving in life, and creating peace in our lives. Staying in our own lane really is about minding our own business and keeping out of other people's business. The tricky part is that so often, we see other people's business as ours. For example, when an adult child tells us that they're no longer going to go to church, we see that as our business. Probably partially because we have this erroneous idea that we failed as a parent, that it's our fault they chose this course and so it's our responsibility to fix it. And so we might feel the need to question their decision, "Are you sure? Like what's going on?" to make passive aggressive statements about how their life would be easier if they were going to church or we step into this place of being the super example of how amazing life is when we're going to church. And we could make all of these same moves if it's a spouse who decides to disassociate from the church or a friend or somebody like that or whatever decision people make, right, we tend to go into these places sometimes.

05:30

Now I'm going to say I'm a church-goer. I love belonging to a church and I love the person that the church helps me to become. I also love the opportunities that I get to ask spiritual questions to push my spiritual growth and to further develop my relationship with God. But here's the trick: that is my journey, those are my desires, it is my chosen path, and I have the agency to make whatever choice for me that I feel is best. And this may not be the choice my children want to make. In fact, two of my four children are no longer choosing church. And guess what? I get to stay in my lane. That means that I accept their agency, I honor their agency, and I don't try to talk them into changing their mind. I don't try to manipulate them with guilt or shame or passive aggressively keep putting it in their face. Just for clarification, the passive aggressive move here could sound something like, "oh, church was just so, so good today. I wish you had been there to hear Sister Clement's talk. You would have really loved it. I feel bad you're missing out on the blessings of the gospel." Now, I know I said that with a little bit of snark in my voice, but passive aggressive, right? Like, we're coming in through the back door. We're trying to say things that are gonna nudge. Now, that's not to say that we can't talk about our church experience, but if we're saying it to nudge them, to create some guilt or shame, or to make them feel enough fear to change their behavior, that's not okay. That's passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive could also sound like," oh, wow, you're going through some really tough stuff. If you were going to church, I just know that life would be easier for you." Okay, notice the back door approach. Like, basically what we're saying in a roundabout way is that they're not doing it right. That things would be better if they were making different choices. We're trying to be very indirect, but in a way that undermines their choices and decisions. And this is what we've got to learn to do. Staying in our own lane means that I allow other people to make their own choices without my interference.

 07:43

So here's a question. What if we feel the desire, or even a prompting from the spirit to share something? Okay, let's go in through the front door. Let's be transparent. Let's share our experiences from a clean place. That means we're sharing because we want to share part of our lives, not because we're trying to influence or manipulate them to make a different choice. Here's what that could sound like: "Oh, yeah, I just really enjoyed church today. Sister Clements gave a really great talk about love that I really needed to hear. I think I need to clean up some stuff for me. But tell me about your day. What have you been doing?" Okay? We can talk about church, but we don't have to push it and get in their lane and try and shove it on them, right? Or it might sound like "oh, wow, that's a tough situation. I'm really sorry you're going through that. What are your thoughts about it?” Or we might say, "what are you planning to do?" And if you really really feel the need to give some advice always always always ask permission first: "You know, I have some ideas that I think could help you. Would you be interested in hearing them?" or "I have an experience that I think would be pertinent, but it's a little bit spiritual in nature, and I know that's not really your thing, but would you be okay if I shared it with you?" And if they say no, then they say no. Staying in your lane means that we respect their "no," we respect their choices, even if they are different than the choices that we would make. We don't try and talk them into it, we don't keep bringing it up, we don't keep making small hints about it. Staying in your lane means that we respect and honor their agency to make their choices. And this can be hard when we see them making choices that very well might be making their lives more difficult.

09:34

Our experience and perspective can help us see things that they don't, and so we have this desire to share with them our knowledge. And still, we get to stand back and let them choose for themselves. None of us likes someone else giving unsolicited advice or telling us what to do, or trying to manipulate us into seeing things from their point of view. I have a two-year-old grandson and one of his favorite phrases is, "no, I do it!" It is in us from a really young age to want to make our own choices. I had a client speak to me once about how to handle it when other people gave her unsolicited advice because it was none of their business and she didn't want it, and she, you know, she felt that they needed to stay out of it. But the fascinating and really fun thing was that a few weeks later she was asking me how to get someone to take her unsolicited ai advice because she knew better. She knew things that they didn't know and she knew that they needed this information. Really fascinating, right? It's a total human thing to do, by the way, it's not just this client. I catch myself doing that all the time as well, right? But we can be so blinded by our own desires to help other people, that we don't see it as crossing into their lane, into trying to undermine their agency to choose for themselves. And sometimes we get so blinded by our good works, our desires for the other person's happiness and welfare that we overstep boundaries and we get in their lane.

11:09

The reason it can be so tricky is because getting in their lane often looks to us like we're just trying to help. And most of us really like to help, and most of us really like to help other people. Super normal, super human. If you're seeing this in yourself, of course you are. This is such a human condition. No need to beat yourself up over it. Just take note, increase your awareness, and stay in your own lane next time. Maybe circle back around and just say, "whoa, you know what, when I said this, I'm sorry, that's not the person that I want to be in this relationship with you. I recognize that this is your choice. And I have no business saying that." You know, circle back around. It's okay. That's what we do as humans. We make mistakes and then we circle back around.

11:58

So we've talked a lot about adult children and staying in our own lane isn't something just for adult children, it's for other adults too...anybody really that would come upon, but what about our spouse? All the same rules apply. They're adults. They get to choose what they want, even if it's different than what we would choose. Very often I see this show up with my clients in the form of trying to control how their spouse is going to think or feel. For example, we might feel a little bit guilty going on a trip with friends because we're concerned about our spouse, because they've told us that they just feel lonely and bored when we're gone. Okay, guess what? They might be lonely or bored and that is theirs to figure out. That is in their lane. It's not our job to try and manage their loneliness or their boredom. Now this isn't to say that we put harsh words and unkind sentiments into their circumstance line, and we don't care if they have a tough time when we're gone, but you choosing to go on a trip without your spouse and them feeling lonely or bored? That's not yours to solve for them.

13:09

Do you remember the "Relationship Circle" podcast? That's number 244, if you want to go back and relisten to it or listen to it for the first time. Good good good stuff. And it goes right along with this. But each one of us in a relationship is responsible for our own circle, our own experiences, our own growth, or lack thereof, our own happiness, our own sadness, our loneliness, and boredom. Our spouse is not responsible for fixing that for us. We might take those things to the relationship circle and put them on the table. But we don't put them there for our spouse to touch or to rearrange or to pick up and fiddle with or even to take back to their circle to fix. We put those things on the table so our spouse can know us better and so that we can know them better. But we don't touch their stuff and they don't touch ours. Think of the two-year-old. "No, I do it," right? We don't want people to take over our things. And believe it or not, they don't want us to take over their things.

14:16

I think it's so funny that so many women complain that when they tell their husbands about something they're struggling with that the husbands want to step in and fix it. Like women are just like, "I don't want you to fix it. I just want you to listen." Women hate it when men want to fix their stuff. They hate it so much that there are memes and cartoons and whole TV episodes about men wanting to fix all the stuff and women just wanting them to listen. So that would be men swerving into women's lanes trying to fix it. And yet we do the exact same thing all the time as women. We try to tell our adult children how to be happy, what choices to make, what substances they should or should not be using. We try to tell our spouse how they should parent better, how they should think about money, how they should feel and behave when their favorite team loses. And to be clear, they absolutely shouldn't yell or get frustrated or get grumpy and mope around for a few hours.

15:12

 Alright, see how easy it is to get in other people's lane? So easy. And is it all well-intentioned? Absolutely it is! And I think that this is where the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" comes from. We have amazing intentions, good-hearted intentions, and yet they are trampling on other people's agency we are veering into their lane. It can be so subtle because our reasons behind veering really can come from a good and loving place. But agency is such a vital part of God's plan for us and when we get in other people's lanes we are getting in the way of their agency. Really learning to respect others agency is the key to staying in our own lane. And we want to stay in our own lane because that is where healthy, happy, strong relationships are created with everybody in their own lane.

16:12

Okay, let's talk about one more thing that I feel is so important in staying in our own lane and that's this incessant need we have to be a good example for all the peoples. Okay, I've got a little bee under my bonnet on this one, right? So I was told early in my life that I would be an example for a lot of people and I believed it. And so I spent the next 35 years thinking that it was my job to be in every way and I spent time stressing about whether my behaviors were setting a good example at church. I did my callings thinking about whether I was setting a good example. I worried about whether I was being the example my children needed so they could grow up in righteousness. I tried to be an example of how to keep a perfectly clean house and how to cook great meals and I worried about setting the one-up example for my ex-husband, who apparently needed a lot of exampling from my point of view, right? I just thought that I needed to set a good example for him and now I see so many problems with this viewpoint. First, if I am only living a particular way in order to set an example for someone else, I don't think that's a good reason at all because it's fear based. I felt a lot of fear driving my choices because I was worried that other people would struggle and not make it back to God if I didn't set a good example. I felt that was my responsibility. I was worried that I would be held accountable for not showing people a better and a brighter way.

18:01

Okay, well now I believe that that's a horrible reason to make choices. I want to live the way that I choose because it feels in alignment for me: because I love God and because my relationship with Him matters. Because it's what I choose, not because it's been thrust upon me by an expectation. So learning to live the life I choose out of love for me and love for God rather than living it out of fear of letting somebody down, to include myself and God, or fear of being punished in the eternities for not doing my part, right? This is the place I choose to live these days and it feels good to let go of the inherent people-pleasing in that mindset.

18:48

Another struggle I have with being an example: this idea that I need to be an example for others is heavy-laden with judgment for how other people are living. It ends up as me saying, "oh they're all messed up. They're doing it wrong and I'm doing it right. "Okay, Ugh, right? First, it's a total one-up position for me to think that I'm doing it right and they're doing it wrong. And guess what? It's just not true. Okay, first of all, I don't think anybody has, I mean there are some commandments, yes, but there are so many paths to create the same thing. What makes us think that there's a right and a wrong way to do it? And I have so many areas in my life that I do great and so many areas in my life that I'm a complete wreck. Who am I to judge another's path when I've got this huge beam in my own eye? In addition, I have zero idea whether another person's path is right or wrong for them.

19:49

 A couple in one of my past wards reminded me of this. He had left the church as a teenager, and I'm sure that his parents were praying all the time, "oh, help him to get back on the right path," right? He left the church. He eventually married a woman who after about, I don't know, 10 or 12 years probably of marriage, she ended up joining the church and they were an amazing couple. They were both really involved in church. They were loving. They were kind, so service-oriented, just an amazing couple. And maybe, just maybe, his God-given path included picking her up along the way. And meanwhile, everyone was lamenting his poor choices and praying that he would get on the right path. Maybe that was his right path. We just don't have any of that insight into anyone else's path. Okay, I don't have this podcast number, but if you go back to July of 2022 or maybe June, I did a replay of the greatest hits called "The Right Path." Check that one out if you want to get a little bit more insight into that idea.

21:01

So moving on. Staying in my lane means that I love others and I don't judge their decisions because I have no idea why they're making those decisions. I have no idea what God thinks of their decisions. And guess what? It really is none of my business what God thinks of their decisions. I truly believe that God can take any decision that anyone makes using their agency and turn it into an amazing learning opportunity where that person learns what God wants them to learn. Never once have I read in the scriptures God saying, you made a wrong choice so I'm writing you out of the will. Like, you chose to get divorced? Yeah, writing you out of the will. Nothing for you. Every time in the scriptures, God is like, "okay, come unto me." Like, "turn to me and we'll clean it up. We'll take care of it." We just don't know what people need to learn and how they need to grow. But God knows those things. And if He didn't want us to make mistakes and to make our own choices, He would not have given us agency, right?

22:19

Okay, a third struggle I have with being an example was touched on in the last one. And that's the one-up position I put myself in and the on- down position I end up putting everybody else in. I set myself up as the standard for which people should look in order to see how it should be done. Did that so much in my previous marriage. What a mess, right? That's just so presumptuous and laced with so much unrighteous pride. That's the kind of person I'm working really hard not to be. It's really hard to feel genuine, clean love for others when we see ourselves as above them, as so much better, that they should look to me to show the way.

23:06

Now, this is not to say that I don't think examples are important. I have so many amazing people that I look to for examples in my own life, but they're not setting themselves up as examples. In fact, when I mention that I see them as an example for me, they're generally a little bit taken aback and they're like, "oh, wow, well, okay, that's nice?" Like, they're just staying in their own lane, doing their own thing. and I'm able to look at them and see them as an example. And there are some things in my life that I'm really good at. Might people see that and use me as an example for something that they want to move toward? Very possibly. And if that's the case, I'm really glad and really honored that I can be that for them. But being an example is a byproduct of my choices. It is not the goal of my choices. And I really believe that learning to stay in our own lane comes down to accepting the agency that God has made such a vital part of His plan. When I accept and honor the agency of others, it is so much easier for me to stay in my own lane. When I struggle to accept and honor the agency of others, I feel the need to take over their choices so that they can make decisions that I feel are better for them, and oftentimes, they can make decisions that will feel better to me. Whether those decisions are huge, seemingly life-changing decisions, or whether they are small day-to-day decisions, what other people choose is really none of my business. What is my business is how I respond to their choices. Do I stay in my own lane? Do I choose to be loving? Do I choose to be accepting to be non-judgmental? Do I choose to create a space where they can show up honestly with me? Honest about who they really are and know that they're not going to be rejected and judged. This is staying in my lane, focusing on my own behavior, my own thoughts and feelings. And what actions am I putting into other people's circumstance line? That's what I have control over. I have control of what I put in their circumstance line. I have zero control over what they think and feel and do. Letting go of that is staying in my own lane.

25:44

Okay, and this has been a huge learning curve for me. And I'm gonna tell you, I didn't learn it till after 50. Okay, I'm 55 and I did not learn this concept, this idea. I didn't even think that I was crossing boundaries and getting in other people's lane. I just thought I was being super helpful, right? That people needed my help, that they couldn't do it without me. But they didn't know it, so I had to step in and let them know that they needed me, that they needed my help. Now, if people seem to be struggling, my goal is to offer validation for their struggle and extend empathy as much as is possible and to approach them with compassion. I try really hard not to offer advice to fill displeasure with their choice, to think that I could do it better., to get judge-y about why they are where they are. I'm not perfect at this, it's still a work in progress, but I am so much better than I was just five years ago. And if I want to share something I've learned or that I feel may be touchy, I always ask permission. Well, okay, "always" is probably a bit of a hyperbole. I really try to make sure that I always ask for permission, although I'm sure that there are people in my life who would say, "I remember a time in the last recent little bit," right? But I'm trying to really increase my awareness. So with my adult kids, sometimes they say that yes, I can share. Even with my kids that are not spiritual, sometimes and I say, "can I share something, you know, some of my own spiritual thoughts or experiences with you?"And they'll say "yes", right? It's not like they're anti-me or anti-spirituality. They're just not choosing that for them. But I can share, but I always ask permission first, always, there it is again. I really try hard to ask permission every time. I'm sure I don't.

27:41

And sometimes, guess what? Sometimes my kids say no, that they don't want to hear what I have to say. And if they say yes, I work really hard to share my experience without being preachy. I use phrases like, "I'd just like to offer." And after I share, I let go of it, not having any expectation that they will do anything with what I've shared. And if they say no, I respect their no. I don't ask them if they're sure. I don't ask them again. I move back into offering love and support. Now, before I learned to do this, I hurt a lot of relationships, thinking that I knew better, that I needed to fix all the broken people, that they couldn't do it without me. And that was not a place of safety for the people I love. They were constantly feeling like they couldn't meet my expectations. They were constantly feeling like they were never doing it good enough for me. And in that, I became a very unsafe place for them. I know, especially with my children, because we have had this conversation, well, with three of the four of my children, we've had this conversation about how I created such an unsafe space for them. And they would keep themselves at a distance. They would not show up honestly. And instead, they would show up a pretend version of themselves so that I would be happy. Okay, they were showing up trying to manage my discomfort. I have a podcast on that one too. It's called "Imaginary Friends." Go back and check that one out. And I don't have the number on that one either, because that one just came to my mind. But it's probably about two years ago. But do I really want my children showing up fake, pretending that there's something else? I don't. If I want to have a real, genuine, honest, equal relationship with them, they have to have the freedom to show up as themselves, knowing I'm not being afraid of my judgment. And now that I've learned to stay in my own lane better, my children can show up as them, not a pretend version of them. They don't worry that I'm going to reject them and they feel safe sharing personal details with me. And it's been a beautiful, sweet part of my relationship with my kids that they will share things with me that they know I don't live that way. I don't do those things, but they share it with me because they know that I'm a safe space. And that's creating a stronger, better relationship for both of us. 30:28 And I'll tell you what, in moving in this space, living more in this space of staying in my own lane, my marriage relationship is 100% different this time around than it was in my previous marriage. Learning to stay in my own lane in this relationship has had a significant impact because there is a lot of acceptance of what my husband puts on the table. And there's very little to no rejection. I'm really proud of what I'm doing and how I'm showing up here. It's pretty opposite of how I showed up before, but I'm able to just let him put his things on the table and go, "oh, I see. That helps me see you better. It helps me understand you better." And I don't feel the need to rearrange his pieces on the table. I don't feel the need to try and fix them up and make a couple of tweaks or take it back to my circle. My husband knows that he can share his deep and dark thoughts and struggles with me, and I'm getting pretty good at looking at the stuff on the table and leaving it alone, showing compassion and empathy for them, but not trying to fix them. Staying in our own lane also exudes trust in the other person's ability to manage their own lives and trust is a foundational element of every good and healthy relationship.

31:55

Okay, staying in your own lane is a life changer. Give it a try. And if you're just like, “oh, I am swerving all over the place and I don't know how to stop. I'm out of control," go to tanyahale.com, book a free consultation with me. You can get that at the top. There's a tab that says "free consultation," click on that, get on my calendar, find a time that works for you. And let's talk about coaching. Let's talk about how it can help you learn how to stay in your own lane better, how to clean up these relationships. I do a lot of coaching with people who are in tough marriage relationships and we just talk about learning how to stay in your own lane. We're not trying to fix your spouse because we don't have any control over that. We're learning how to manage our own stuff, how to stay in our own lane. And I do a lot of parenting for adult people who have adult kids and parents are having a hard time staying in their own lane. And it's amazing to me.

32:55

I had a client just a couple of weeks ago who after six weeks of coaching on her adult children just showed up and was just like, "oh my gosh, life is so good." And she probably spent the first three sessions crying almost the whole time because it was so painful and so hard. And she kept trying to just swerve into their lane and learning how to stay in her own lane has paid dividends for her. It took six weeks. Now, we're still working on stuff because I work with my clients in 12 week increments, but so amazing. So amazing to see her grow. She's worked her butt off to have that growth, but that's what coaching is. It's not an easy, peasy ride. Coaching is difficult. It's hard. It's painful. But it's so worth the work. So worth the work. I promise you that. My life is completely different and completely different in the most incredible and amazing way. And this is what coaching can offer. So these concepts here are really, really great. You can learn a lot. You can apply a lot and even if you can get with friends and listen to these concepts and talk about them and and flesh them out more and figure things out. That's a great thing to do. But if you feel like you're getting in over your head and you just feel like "I'm not seeing anything, I see the results because my relationships are horrible. But I'm not seeing what I'm doing that's contributing to that," that's what coaching can help you with.

34:29

Okay. That's going to do it for me, my friends. Good stuff. So glad you were here with me today. Wish you all the best, have an amazing week, and I will see you next time. Bye.

34:40

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.