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Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 267, "Should and Shame." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dream...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:20

All right, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Hey, if this content is great for you, if you're loving it, I would like to invite you to share it by just writing a review. Super, super easy. Nobody even has to know it's you if you're not one of those "sharing" kind of people. Some people aren't and that's okay. But writing a quick review either on Apple or on Spotify would be a really great help to other people so that they can find this content as well. The more and the better reviews I get, the more it goes up on the list of, "you should check out this podcast." This one might be interesting to you as well and that's a great way to share it. So that being said, we're going to jump in today.

01:06

We are talking about should and shame. Okay, two really powerful words we often tend to get involved with. So let's start with "should," fascinating word. I think in the past few years the word "should" has really been under fire and for good reason. "Should" has a tendency to create shame and to leave us feeling disempowered. When used in conjunction with other people and ourselves, "should" is tied directly to the expectations that we have. When I'm working with clients, we always seek to be aware of the "should statements" that we have surrounding the people that we are struggling with in our lives. And notice, the people that we use the "should"s with are generally people we're struggling with. We might say things like, "he should care about our relationship as much as I do." "He should spend more time at home and less time at work." "He should know how I feel about this issue." "He should apologize for the infidelity." "He shouldn't have ghosted me after three really great dates." Okay? All of these examples are really just letting us know what our expectations are for the other person. We expect them to show up in the relationship the same way we do. We expect them to want to be at home more and work less. We expect them to read our minds. We expect them to feel bad for something that they did. We expect them to have the same rules about dating that we do. The biggest problem with these expectations is that in our minds at least, we are infringing upon the other person's agency and we're being judgmental. Here's how: Adults get to act any way they want to. They get to show up in the relationship with us in any way that they wanted. They get to spend their time however they choose. They get to feel how they want to about our thoughts and opinions and about their behavior. And when we have these "should" statements about other adults running rampant in our heads, and sometimes coming out our mouths, all they do is cause us consternation.

03:07

Shoulding on other people also puts us in a one-up position. Someone who can see the other person's flaws and weaknesses and I need to step in to correct them because I've got more knowledge than you, right? Another thing shoulding others does is step away from our own work. It's a place where, in essence, what we're saying is that the other person needs to change who they are or how they are or what they do in order for us to feel better. Now of course if other people change their behavior we will feel better. But it's not their job to make us feel better. That's our job. Our job is to learn to manage our thoughts and feelings and behaviors around whatever is going on with us so that we can create our own feeling better. Other people should not have to change in order for us to feel better. A Brené Brown quote about this concept is so applicable here. She says, "people will do almost anything to not feel pain, including causing pain and abusing power." We will often find ourselves causing other people pain and abusing power by shoulding on them rather than dealing with our own discomfort. We turn to blaming and accusing and attacking, often using should statements in an effort to appease our own feelings of discomfort. When we do that we feel horrible because we're not showing up very well; we're not showing up in ways that we really want to. And additionally, as soon as we start shoulding the other person out loud, we are inadvertently heaping shame upon the other person. We are basically telling them that they're doing it wrong. They are thinking about it wrong. They're feeling about it wrong. That they are wrong. There is something wrong with them. They're not doing it right. Now, unintentional, most likely. And most of this type of behavior comes from two places: what we've seen in the relationships of people around us (think parents, think friends, parents) and also in places like TV shows and movies.

05:17

The other place that we get these ideas from is our primitive brain, just trying desperately to protect us from pain. If it sees a potentially hurtful or uncomfortable situation brewing, it goes into full-protection mode, pulling every resource to figure out how to keep us from experiencing pain. And it goes to all of the previous examples like parents and TV and movies, other people that we've seen in our lives, and it starts pulling examples of ways it can react. Now, remember that our primitive brain has no right, wrong, good, bad, healthy, unhealthy filter. It just pulls data from our brain and puts it forth as a possible solution. That's why you can be in a store and have the thought that you should just pocket that small item and not pay for it, even though you may have never shoplifted anything in your entire life. Your brain has seen and heard of shoplifting and it becomes a viable option if we want something. Our brain is just putting forth optional ways that we can acquire it with no morality filter whatsoever. So when your brain starts shooting other people, you're not horrible. You're a human with a human brain. What about when we start shooting ourselves? This is when we start telling ourselves that we "should be over it by now." "I should have better control over my emotions." "I shouldn't lose patience or get frustrated with my ex or my spouse." "I should know how to do the thing." "I should be able to manage the situation." "I should be doing okay by now." "I should not be procrastinating again." Now remember, these types of should statements are letting us know our expectations of ourselves, and also very important is the tie to believing that others are thinking these things as well, which heaps on the self-judgment.

07:17

The problem with these expectations is that they are rarely, if ever, true. Should I be over it by now? Well there really is no timetable for healing and the fact is I'm not over it. So talking down to myself and saying I "should be" is a moot point and isn't helpful at all in helping me move forward. Should I be able to stay patient and not get frustrated with people? Probably not. Right? We're all human and that's just part of the deal, especially when they put certain things in our circumstance line. Saying we "should" is just heaping on judgment rather than extending compassion for our difficult situation and our human brain. Should I know how to do the difficult thing? Not if I've never done it before or it's been a long time since I've done it. There's just a learning curve for everything. Shoulding myself for something I don't know how to do, again, just creates shame because of unrealistic expectation. Should I really not be procrastinating again? Probably not. Like it's a learned skill and we may not be fully perfectly trained yet. And shaming ourselves with a should just sinks us deeper into self-loathing which shuts down our productivity, which then, surprise, causes us to procrastinate even more.

08:43

The thing is, shoulding ourselves sets us up to believe the worst about ourselves, to talk bad to ourselves, and to not have our own back because we believe that we're not meeting the expectations. We're not good enough. And this creates shame. So here's the connection between should and shame. "Should" is a creator of shame. The idea that we "should" be something we're currently not tells our brain that something about us is wrong, is broken, or defunct. And this sends us into shame. Brene Brown, again, who's probably the foremost shame researcher in the world, teaches us these ideas about shame. She defines shame as, "an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection." Basically, shame says we're not good enough. And when we start shooting ourselves, we are buying into the belief that we aren't good enough. Think about when other people in your life should you. "You should be more patient with the kids." "You should want more physical intimacy." "You should at least do your hair before we go out." "You shouldn't have political discussions with my family." "You should just stop talking."

10:05

Okay, did you feel that shift? I did, right? Just even saying those and thinking about that, somebody saying that to me, the shame that says you're not doing it right, you're not good enough. It's very subtle, but it's there for me when I hear those kinds of statements. Did you feel it as well? Now, I know that the word "should" is one that is thrown around without thought. But when taken in context of what it's really saying, it's sending the message to ourselves and others that we or they are wrong. They're not doing it good enough. They are not enough. In essence, we're saying you're not doing it right. But here's the thing about being right. Generally, there isn't a right or a wrong. There are just preferences. The way you want the dishwasher loaded? There's a perfect way to do it. Preference. The way you want laundry folded: preference. The food you like to eat: preference. How much money you want to spend on a car: preference. The kinds of conversations you like to have: preference. How you choose to show up to dress and to show up physically: preference. There's no right or wrong in any of those. It's just preference. We're much more likely to move into a should statement for ourselves or for others when we believe that there is a right or wrong way to do a certain task or a right or wrong behavior, idea or belief.

11:27

And as I've been thinking a lot about this in preparation for writing this podcast, I'm seeing that "should" statements are very often passive aggressive comments. "Should" is a very, very subtle way of letting someone know they're not good enough because they're not doing it right. And that's how it becomes a stepping stone to shame. Think about the times that you step into "should" statements with others. We are avoiding having a more direct conversation about the topic. Instead, we're shrouding it in "should" statements to let them know that they're wrong about something that they and that they need to change in order to be right. Saying someone "should" do something seems like a kindler, gentler way to tell someone they're doing it wrong, but it's still telling them they're doing it wrong. It's passive aggressive in that it's telling them they're doing it wrong in a very passive seemingly kind way.

12:24

And again, when a person is confronted with the idea that there is something wrong with them, it can be super easy to start slipping into shame. Brené Brown also describes shame as having a central social component and it involves the fears of being judged, criticized, or rejected by others. The origins of shame can almost always be tied back to past experiences of feeling judged, criticized, or rejected by someone else. Now, we have all had experiences in our lives where we have been judged and criticized and rejected and we've felt shame for that. And then when people start using this really seemingly soft word of "should," it's doing the same thing. We start feeling judged, criticized, rejected. And when we start to tell others that they should be doing something different, we're stepping into this judgment and criticism and rejection that Brené Brown speaks of.

13:23

And what about when we "should" ourselves? Again, here we're stepping into self-judgment, self-criticism, self-rejection. Now, I know that most of us would never want to be that person that keeps judgment and criticism and rejection on others and causes others to feel shame. If someone sat us down and said that we were doing that to them, we would be mortified. The "should" statements are are just so stealthy. They can sound really helpful, really soft, but under that they are a way that we are undermining the other person's worth. They are a way that we are showing up less straightforward and honest, and instead passive aggressively sneaking in the back door. They are a way that we're seeking to control another person's behavior without being in their face about it. They're a way of saying, "you're wrong. There's something wrong with you and you need to change it." It always amazes me how easily we can slip into behaviors that will undermine other people and damage our relationships. And we don't even realize it. It takes a lot of awareness to clean this stuff up and learning how to recognize our should statements is a small step in a better direction. It's a direction of cleaner conversations, meaning when we have something to say, let's learn to be more honest and direct. It's a direction also of acknowledging other people's agency to make their own choices and for us to step out of trying to tell others what they should be doing differently. It's a direction of learning to accept others for who they are and for the choices and the decisions that they make. It's a direction of stepping out of judgment for other people's preferences and letting go of our misconstrued ideas of right and wrong. Misconstrued because our ideas of right and wrong are not everybody's and it's a direction of having more clean love for others, of really learning to love without expectation.

15:33

So my friends, increase your awareness around when and where you are using the word "should," and start dropping this word from your conversations with yourself and with others. You will begin to notice a greater amount of acceptance and clean love in your life. This is an amazing part of growing up, cleaning up these kinds of things that are subtly and slowly and softly damaging our relationships. Okay, that's going to do it for me, my friends. Have a really, really terrific week and I will see you next time. Bye.

16:20

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.