Tanya Hale 00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 261, "No More Growing Old Gracefully." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

Tanya Hale 00:22

Well, hey there friends. Welcome to the podcast today. So happy to have you here with me. It's a really special treat for you. I have a friend whose name is Kwavi and she is also a life coach of midlife women. And I love that her focus is not growing old gracefully but growing old boldly. And I think that she and I have so much in common with how we feel about life and how we feel about growing up and growing old. She and I had a great discussion and I'm going to share it with you here today. So here we go. Hope you enjoy.

Tanya Hale 00:59

 Alright. Welcome to the podcast today. This is Tanya. I've got my good friend Kwavi here with me. Kwavi, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself and let's get started.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe

01:10 All right. So my name is Kwavi and I am 55 years old.

Tanya Hale 01:16

Bam! 55 is the bomb. I love it.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 01:20

And I am on a mission to help women have the audacity to have better health, better relationships, better careers than in their 20s and 30s. I just think that this is an amazing time for women in their 50s and beyond. Welcome to everyone and thank you, Tanya, for having me.

Tanya Hale 01:41

Oh, so glad we get together and chat about stuff because I love this. In fact, at the end of my podcast, I always say something along the lines of "don't you love growing up?" Like growing up into this age group is so amazing. So when you and I connected and we were like, "what? We both do middle age."

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 02:00

I know!

Tanya Hale 02:00

I love it. And because tell me what you love so much about getting older.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 02:05

I love it because it's just, I mean, first of all, the wisdom and experience that you have just makes this time magical. Like, what is there not to love? I mean, you're doing new things. You have a different perspective. You know, you just see things differently. And I mean, I'm just so excited about the different things available for me to explore in this next chapter. Yeah. Like, why not? Let's go.

Tanya Hale

02:32 I just feel like all the little pieces I've been gathering my whole life and sticking in my pockets, now I feel like I can pull them out and start putting together the big picture and seeing what really is going on here. And my relationships are deeper and richer. I have more confidence. I'm just, I mean, all the things about me. I just love getting older so much.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 02:55

I love it. I love it. I'm like, what's not to love about this amazing stage? And I just look at it as, for me, I see it as, this is a privilege. Not everyone gets to be this age. Like, not everyone. I mean, I love her a quote by Helen Mirren, where she says, "you either die young or you grow old, there's no in between." Like, it's just beautiful. Like, yeah, I'm all in on this. I'm like, "I'm just loving it."

Tanya Hale 03:21

Yeah. Yeah. So why do you think some people gravitate toward being really grumpy about getting older?

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 03:30

I think it's a societal narrative. We have this negative narrative that kind of has these statements floating around that once you get older, you're no longer valuable. And unfortunately, some women just accept that as that's the truth. These are the facts. And it's so untrue. Like, I think already we already have systems and structures in place that favor, typically, I would say, white men, right? And maybe young women, but over 50 forget it, you're not even part of the equation. Like, it's like, and you see it in the media, like, I've listened to so many celebrities speak about this, like, they'll have a role where they'll have an older man. But they're not going to put someone close, they'll put someone like 20 or 30 young younger than the man.

Tanya Hale 04:20

 Right. Isn't that crazy?

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 04:22

But that's what they do. And, but this is the thing, though, I know society has its own rules, but we get to redefine our own rules, right? We can redefine what over 50 and beyond means to us. We have that we have that power, but I don't think a lot of women know that. They're like, "Well, you know, I can't do this because I'm too old," like says who? Where's that coming from?

Tanya Hale 04:44

Right. And I love the fact that when we really start thinking about if I feel insignificant, because I'm older, that insignificance is coming from a thought.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 04:55

Thank you. It is. It is. So even though society might be pushing these narratives around, you get to decide if you what you want to think about them. Like for me, I'm like "that's their thought, not mine." I'm good I'm going to adopt ones that favor me because those thoughts they have don't favor me in the least. I want to do that. I know we're not doing that.

Tanya Hale 05:21

What do you think is the best thing about for you personally? What have you changed the most about growing older than what you did in your when you were younger?

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 05:30

I think just the way I think about aging, which I think is very important, because for me the way I think about aging has defined my experience as I've gotten older. And for me I just look at aging as...I like to think of this concept called "aging boldly." I'm not a big fan of "aging gracefully" because I think aging gracefully almost says you have to age in a certain way. Aging boldly gives you the freedom to age whichever way you want, to decide if you want to have your gray hair, if you want to color it. I mean it just allows you to be who you want to be and it also adds that added peace where you can almost say, "you know what, I'm not following the stereotypical over-50 that society has placed on me. I'm going to redefine what it means to me and I'm going to be curious, I'm going to go on these different adventures. I'm not going to be allow myself to just kind of decide what it is that I want on my own terms."

Tanya Hale 06:24

Yeah, I love that. Yeah, the "aging boldly" is the phrase that when you told me that the first time we were chatting I was like, "bam, girlfriend, that is what speaks to my soul," because when I think of aging gracefully my brain goes to slowly but silently moving to the background and getting quieter and quieter as I get older at a time in my life where I have the most and best and biggest stuff to share.

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 06:52

Yes and this is a thing though. I really believe that when we all step into our aging boldly phase, the younger people can benefit from that because they now watch us and they're like, "look at these women in their 50s 60s 70s 80s and beyond doing these amazing things." Think about what that does for them, because they're able to see images of people in those age groups doing things that they want to do which typically you don't normally see.

Tanya Hale 07:21

Right, right, I love that.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 07:24

I do, I think it's just amazing.

Tanya Hale 07:26

So what are some of the big things that, when you work with your clients that you talk about, how do we age boldly. What are some of the biggest things that you that you work with?

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 07:35

So first of all, I always go to the mindset shift. Like I want them to make those shifts mentally. One of the first things I like to share with my clients is what's their value. And it's unfortunate because some women think as they get older their value diminishes. I'm like, "not at all." Your value is intact when you're born and it's intact when you die. Like there's no, it doesn't go up and down. Like you don't have to do anything to be valuable. You just have to be a human. But unfortunately women have been socialized to think that as they get older, they no longer value. They're no longer relevant. And they now have, they now start to feel invisible. Like women will tell me, they feel invisible. And I really want to change that narrative because that's a thought that they have adopted just because of things around them, but they get to change that thought. So it's really about what do they want. I mean, even if society has that, you have the choice to decide if you want to adapt that as yours. So your value is a big one.

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 08:39

And just believing in yourself. They're all tied together. Like self-belief is huge at the same time. Believe in, listen, you have wisdom, you have experience. You've done a lot of things up until this point. And I know that, for a lot of women when they get to this age, they're probably they're a mother, the kids have probably gotten older, and so there's a bit of a shift there in their role as a mother because the kids no longer need the ability. If your life was wrapped around theirs, that could be really daunting for you because now they're no longer there...what do you now do? There are a lot of um, there's a high rate of divorce too around this age, called, there's even a term for it, "great divorce", and there are women who have been married for a long time even for a short period of time and then all of a sudden they're now single. And then you add menopause, career changes, and women use that as, you know their value and sometimes they begin to have little or no belief in themselves. Which is unfortunate because this is the time, like allowing yourself to know that you can believe in yourself regardless of what you're doing or not doing. And then the other one is I tell my clients all the time...feeling old is optional. Like growing old...that's a guarantee. Or feeling old is an optional thought that you could choose to think or not.

Tanya Hale 09:05

Yeah, I love that. I always have this vision, like, of old people sitting on the rocking chairs on the front porch like just rocking it out...and I'm like, "I'm gonna rock it out but not in a rocking chair as I get older."

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 09:05

Oh I love that yeah, exactly!

Tanya Hale 09:05

Because I have so much to contribute at this age that I didn't have before so it's not that my value has changed as I've gotten older, but my wisdom and what I'm bringing to the table. I have so much more to contribute and I can impact the world in such a bigger way at this age.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe

09:05 That's it and really, that's why we're all here. We all have value to add to the world. We're all creating an impact in different ways. But when you refuse to allow your skills to shine it's like...why? You have something to share with the world. Let it be just put it out there. Yeah I mean, it's just a lovely, I think it's just a beautiful phase. I didn't know it would be this exciting as a young person. I thought, "oh, you know," but now I'm in, I'm like, "whoa, like, I have so many ideas and different things that I want to do. It's going to be fun."

Tanya Hale 11:09

Yeah. You know, I think it really has changed for us. I remember when my dad turned 40 and my mom threw him a big party with black balloons and you know, all this like "you're close to death" kind of stuff going on. And so I always just thought, "oh, 40 must be super old." And then I got 40 and I was like, "I'm not old at all. Like I'm still doing really great." And then I thought, "well, 50 must be old." And then I got to 50 and I was like, "no, this is spectacular." And now I'm 55 and I'm like, I" am just on a roll." Like I feel like my best is yet to come.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 11:40

 Yeah. And that's, I'm always, I have this thought of, I'm just expecting, like more great things are coming. That's just what I have about this stage in my life. But I also know that not every woman feels that way. And that's why I do the work that I do. 'Cause I know it's possible. Like I know I'm not unique. My clients are not unique. This is available to anyone on the planet. And the only requirement is that you have a brain. Seriously. Yeah. Which I know everyone has. So, like, you can do this work.

Tanya Hale 12:08

Yeah. I 100% agree. Like the work that I've done with my own relationships and that I do with a lot of my clients around relationships. I mean, we, I think a lot of us have grown up thinking, "well, we get old and relationships get stale and we just become kind of roommate-y kind of people." And we just, we settle into this: we're old and we just sit around and sit on the rocking chairs. Right? That's what we do. And yet I'm realizing for myself and realizing for so many of my clients that we have the ability to shift this and to create relationships that are more vibrant and more intimate than they were when we were young and first married.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 12:50

I definitely agree. And it's possible. It's possible. Some of the things I share with my clients too, because even though I, you know, I talk about, you know, your value and belief in yourself, some of the other aspects of this is, I know that for a lot of women, they've sacrificed for others for so long. A lot of women have done it, and not all, but a lot of women do that. And so when they hit 50, it's like, they're emotionally exhausted. And I call it, it mostly exhausted to the extent where they feel like they have an emotional hangover.

Tanya Hale 13:20 Oh, love that.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 13:20

So emotionally tired. It's like a hangover, but it's just with their emotions. And what I help my clients realize is it's because of all the things that they've done and they've not been able to master their own emotions. And so what I help my clients do is get to a point where they become emotionally independent. That is the key. Like we take on the emotions of everyone. Everyone has to be happy. Everyone. And at the expense of ourselves. I guess what happens to us? Resentment, like big old resentment is building up and growing. But we're still holding on, like, "no, everyone has to be happy." Since who though?

Tanya Hale 14:03

Well, and it sounds like such a lovely phrase, doesn't it, to say, I just want everybody to be happy. And yet we take on all this extra weight of trying to control everybody's happiness. And I see that the exhaustion, I love that emotional hangover phrase. It is real. Yeah, I think so. So yeah, learning how at this age to let go of that, to let everybody be in charge of their own emotions. And that doesn't mean that if somebody comes up to us and says, "oh, I'm really sad because this is happening," we don't have to jump in with them and say, "oh, I'm so sad too." But we also don't need to say, oh, just ignore it. We can jump in with a lot of empathy. And say, "oh, this sounds like it's so tough for you. I'm really sorry." But also not take on their sadness or try and fix their sadness.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 14:52

Yeah, so that they don't feel like, no, that's not your, that's really not your responsibility. Everyone, you know, is allowed to feel their emotions. That's part of being human. That's part of allowing them to experience being human. Like it's a good thing. It's not a bad thing. But I think we've been taught, especially women, I think from a young age, we're kind of taught that. Like everyone is okay, you know, even if it means you're not, you know, and we go, I mean, think about it from our 20s to 30s to 40s. And then we get to our 50s and 60s and we're like, "oh, I'm tired." Like you are mentally and emotionally tired and you don't even know why. And then you keep doing this. And so it's really interesting, the shift you could make in yourself and the difference when you become emotionally independent. It's amazing. It's like, wow, I could do this. They didn't realize it. And they don't realize it's possible for them. And so I love being able to show them this. And they're like, "wow, I didn't even know I could do this."

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 15:54

First of all, what baffles me, the first thing they say is, "oh my goodness, emotional hangover." You're like, they're like, "exactly how I feel, like you have nailed it. That's how I feel." And I'm like, "yeah, I get it. I understand." So it's so interesting. Something else I love to share with my clients too is helping them identify their, I call it the ACVs, which is the aging core values.

Tanya Hale 16:16

Ooh, tell us more.

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 16:18

As they get older, as we get older, okay. So as we get older, we actually have core values that are important to us. And what I like my clients to identify are the three primary ones. Like you have so many, but I'd like for them to identify the three primary ones because your core values will help you in your experience as you age. And so your core values, like why not give an example? Like one of the ones that's really important to me is feeling good in my body. Like, that is huge for me. Like, I don't care about, not that I don't care, but looking good is secondary compared to feeling good for me because feeling good means that I can do so much more. And so for me, because that's one of my aging core values, I find ways that can promote that for me. So it means that I'm paying attention to what I eat, exercising more, paying attention to my sleep patterns. I am, you know, going to my doctor's appointment because I want to feel good in my body. And so being cognizant of what those are will help you experience aging in a brand new way. Like what are yours? Like what are your values, aging call values, that are important? Like non-negotiable, this is what it is. I don't want to live without these. And that will help you, that helps to up-level your whole aging experience in so many different ways. Yeah.

Tanya Hale 17:39

I think what's so great about that is it kind of ties back over into this emotional hangover piece where we spend so much time taking care of everybody else and worrying about everybody else and doing all of this, which I think generally has come from a really good place in our hearts, it just hasn't always been a really healthy way to do it. And so tapping into, "okay, so now that I have a little bit more time to just take care of me and focus on me and get clear on how all this really works, what matters most to me as I get older?" And how do I tap into that and make sure that that happens for me?

Kwavi Agbeyegbe

18:17 Right. And that's what it is, really. It's like, "how can I make sure that what I'm doing is supporting that?"

Tanya Hale 18:22

Okay, so what would you say to women who then say, "oh, but I just, I just, like that feels selfish to me."

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 18:31

Really. And I, you know, the question I always ask when people say, "what do you mean by that?" Like, what's selfish about that? Taking care of yourself is selfish? Like really, like, where does that come from? Like taking care of you is a selfish act. It isn't. I always question, and I always ask my clients, like, I want you to really question that. Why do you think that taking care of yourself is selfish? Because really, when you think about it, when you take care of yourself, you can be there for yourself, you can be there for your family, you can be there for your friends, but when you don't take care of yourself, oh my goodness. It's like, watch out, everyone, because you're not yourself. Yeah. Like, why wouldn't you want to pour into you so that you can be the best, you know, person for yourself? I really think the thing about the selfish thing, I'm like, I don't, I tell my clients all the time, like, "why are you choosing to think that is selfish?" And most times, they're like, "umm", and most times it's because society has said that. Yeah. Like, you know, and I tell them that you can challenge that, but go ahead.

Tanya Hale 19:36

Yeah. Because when we look at the word selfish to me, that really means doing things at the expense of other people. Like without, you know, taking regard for other people at all. And yet taking care of myself allows me to engage with people so much better. Like what I am able to bring to my relationship with my spouse and with my children and other people right now because I have done all this work for me is phenomenal.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 20:05

Of course, compared to the other way around. Different, different. And I think the other part of all of this is managing your brain. Like I think that is like overall, that's something I share with my clients is a tool that helps them in so many different ways because really your thoughts are always going to trigger how you feel and how you feel, you know, that's how you take action and then the actions you see the results. And so applying that to when you age, I think it's key because... What are your thoughts about aging? Like, I had clients who thought it was like, you know, all doom and gloom. And I said, "but think about it. Because you're choosing to think of it that way, the feelings that that's bringing up is kind of like despondent and just kind of nonchalant. And your actions you're taking are like, why bother?" Like that reflects and that, and it goes back. And the result is it feels like all doom and gloom. You feel like life being older is just all doom and gloom. It is reflected because your original thought was: getting older is all doom and gloom. And I'm like, but you can think any thought in the world, like you have a choice. Why is that before you're choosing? You can think any thought in the world, you're gonna choose that. And then, you know, it opens them up to think, "oh, so I can think something else?" I'm like, "yes, you can. You can think any thought, like what do you wanna think?" But I always tell them it has to be believable. So don't go all the way to the other side. And I'm like, but I tell them you can become that person. So you can add that to it to start making it believable. But you can think anything and it changes your experiences. It changes them.

Tanya Hale 21:47

Yeah. I think we just get to choose. I'm always surprised when I talk to women who are older and they say things like, "oh, you know what? I'm just getting old. I'm losing my filter." And I'm like, "what do you mean you're losing your filter?" Like you don't have to lose your filter. I'm just always flabbergasted that they are okay showing up, sometimes rude, sometimes dismissive, sometimes whatever, because I'm just getting old. I'm losing my filter. I'm like, no, I'm gonna choose not to lose my filter. Have I become a little bit more straightforward and honest? Absolutely. But not in a mean, hurtful way. I think a lot of people say "I'm older," as though it's an excuse for them to all of a sudden be mean and ornery instead of being loving and kind.

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 22:36

Yeah. And another thought that people say, and I was mentioning it to someone earlier today was, "oh, that's just the way I am getting older. That's just the way I am." I'm like, that is a thought that will prevent growth. "Oh, that's just the way I am." You know, "I'm getting older. I can't change." Like, really? You don't want to change? This is an amazing time for change. You have wisdom. You have experience already with you. You're given that automatically once you get older. And then you want to do something new. Like, it's going to be amazing. It's magical. Like, why would you choose to say, "oh, I'm just set in my ways?" Like, that doesn't, that does no benefit to you.

Tanya Hale 23:10

And this is the best time of our lives to change. Because now we have so much of a better idea of what direction we want to go.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 23:19

Yeah, we're very sure of that. I'm like, "this is not the time to be like, 'oh, yeah, I'm just set in my ways. You know, I'm just getting older.'" What does that mean? You're getting older. That is, OK, that's a fact. But how do you want to be as you get older? Think about that.

Tanya Hale 23:37

We want to be bold. Right, Kwavi?

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 23:38

Yes. You want to aim boldly, be open to new experiences, and challenge the stereotypes that have been placed that don't benefit us. Like, we can change all of that. We can redefine. Like, I always say, this is not your grandmother's or your mother's over 50 and beyond life. This is ours. And we get to redefine it however we want.

Tanya Hale 24:01

Yeah. Yeah. And let's define it with some energy. Let's define it with us. Like, really, who are we? Let's put her out into the world and just do amazing things.

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 24:14

Yeah. However she wants to be, just put her out there. It'll be fine.

Tanya Hale 24:19

It'll be better than fine, right? It'll be spectacular.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 24:21 Yeah, thank you. It'll be fabulous, like magnificent. Like, really? Yeah.

Tanya Hale 24:21

Yeah, but not if we're hiding. Not if we're just gracefully falling into the background and losing our voice.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 24:38

Hiding is not going to work. It's not going to work. You have more. I want more women to be on their deathbeds, checking off boxes like "I did this, I did this, I did this," as opposed to the opposite of, "oh, I wish I had done this and it's too late now."

Tanya Hale 24:51

Oh, gosh, I love that.

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 24:52

Check all the boxes, as many as you can.

 Tanya Hale 24:55

Yeah. Yeah, about those last breaths, I wanted to be going, "dang, I did a good job. Dang, I love my life," right?

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 25:02

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

Tanya Hale 25:03

Rather than the regrets, "oh, I wish I would have, I wish I would have," I don't want any of that.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 25:08

We ain't doing that. No. Check all the boxes. Let's go.

Tanya Hale 25:13

Great. Okay, you said that you have an amazing poem that you wanted to share before we get off today.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 25:20

Yes, yes, yes. "So you are here to take up space, to fill up this world with your presence, your laughter, your adventures, your dreams, your one of a kind story. You are making a difference with every breath you breathe. You shape the people around you just by being alive. You add brightness to each day you wake up in. You bring warmth and joy to every life that intersects with yours. You are a raging soul that shines brighter than you know. Your light makes the darkness scatter. Every breath, every smile, every step you take forward makes the shadows disappear. You are stronger and braver than you realize. Every day you wake up believing that there is still hope, still joy, still love, still things worth fighting for is courageous. Today I want to remind you that you are here to take up space loudly, proudly, boldly and fiercely. Remember you are lovely, you are precious, you are worthy, you are capable. You are a spectacular work of art. Try not to forget your own significance anymore."

Tanya Hale 26:36

That is so good. Who wrote that?

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 26:37

Yes. Her name is Dilly Alamoubi. I love this poem and I love to share it with women so that they don't forget their significance.

Tanya Hale 26:47

Yeah. And I think too many of us get to our age and we decide that we're not significant anymore in the world. And yet this is our most significant time and space.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 26:58

Yes. Definitely agree. Definitely agree. So true.

Tanya Hale 27:03

We all need to live this and we all love it. I'm just going to start aging boldly.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:07

Yeah, let's go.

Tanya Hale 27:09

So way more so. I love this so much. Kwavi, you're so spectacular. Thank you.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:14

Thank you and you are too. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for this platform. I really, really appreciate it.

Tanya Hale 27:20

Oh, I loved having you here and I'm sure that everybody listening is just like, "okay, time to step it up a notch or two."

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:26

Let's go. The world needs us. The world really needs us.

Tanya Hale 27:30

I think the world needs us more than ever. They need what women bring to the table.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:36

I don't doubt that at all.

Tanya Hale 27:38

Yeah, but they're not going to get it if we're just sitting in the background or rocking out on the rocking chair. Right?

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:44

Yeah. They need more of us out there.

Tanya Hale 27:46

Yeah. We got to do amazing things.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:48

Yeah.

Tanya Hale 27:49

Okay. Alright. Kwavi, thank you so much for being here.

Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:52

Thank you. You're welcome.

Tanya Hale 27:54

Alright. See ya!

 Kwavi Agbeyegbe 27:55

Alright, take care, alright bye bye.

Tanya Hale 27:58

Okay. Isn't she spectacular? I absolutely love the "aging boldly" tag that she has. I just think that it's so important. This is our time. This is our time in life where all the things that we have learned and grown and figured out are coming into play. And we have so much to offer, so much to put out into the world. This is our time to contribute in a way that it never has been before. Okay. That's going to do it for me today. Have an awesome, awesome week. If you've not left me a review, get on there. Leave me a review. Let me know what you think and how things are going. Please share this content with other people. It helps. If you leave a review, it helps other people find it that you never have ever met. And if you share it with somebody, then you're sharing it with someone that you have met and both are great. Good information, valuable information. This is what growing up is all about: stepping into our greatest selves. All available and all right here for us. Okay. I love you, my friends. Thank you so much for being here and I will see you next time. Bye.

Tanya Hale 29:08

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!