00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 259, "The Sometimes Space." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hello there, my friends. Welcome, welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you here. It is summer, right? Like all the schools got out in the last couple of weeks and the school district that I worked for last year just got out yesterday and it's crazy to me to think that I've been out of the classroom for a year. I do miss my eighth graders, but I am having so much fun coaching full-time and taking care of this podcast during the day rather than at night when I used to have to do it after school. I just loving the space that I'm in and looking forward to a great, great summer, getting to see my kids this summer and see my husband's kids and some great friends are coming out to Indiana to spend some time with me, and I'm just really loving where I'm at, loving my space, and I hope that you are too. I hope that you are moving into a better and better space all the time, that this content is helping you to reframe how you look at your life and help you manage your thoughts better so that you are having a more satisfying, fulfilling experience. 

01:33 

That doesn't mean our lives are going to be perfect and that everything's going to be good all the time. Life is still 50-50, but when we can manage our brains around the 50% that's difficult and not add difficulty to it, just makes life so much better, I think. And being able to see the difficult experiences in our lives for what they are, which is just difficult experiences, opportunities to learn and to grow, and to circle back around and to make things to develop deeper connections with people. So it's a great, great thing. So I'm glad that you're here. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining me. I just love creating this content for you. 

02:15 

So today we're going to be talking about the sometimes space. Okay, so our brains love to live in a black and white space. So you know that space where things are really clearly one way or the other. And they really like this space because it seems more predictable, as though we can be more certain of the outcome. And our primitive brains really, really love certainty because certainty means that we won't be surprised. It means that we can believe that we can count on things happening in a certain way all the time. And certainty really loves the words "always" and "never" because it makes everything clear and concise. However, as much as our primitive brain wants to not be uncomfortable, that is just not how life is. Life is messy. We are humans, which ultimately means sometimes we are not what we expect. For example, generally, I'm a pretty kind person. I really value being loving and kind to people and I work hard to manage my thoughts around other people so I can genuinely show up kind and not just white knuckle kindness. But guess what? Sometimes I'm not kind. Sometimes my primitive brain works faster than my prefrontal cortex and I let loose a zinger. Alright? I say something unkind or thoughtless or I say something in a condescending tone of voice and yes, there's a reason I'm using this as my current example because it's something that happened to me recently. Well, something didn't happen to me. Something that I did recently. 

03:53 

So most of the time I'm a pretty kind person and sometimes I'm not. Some of what causes us so much consternation in life is this underlying, often unconscious, belief that we should (notice that word) always be constant and never waver. And yet this is an impossible expectation. We are humans. We were created to be imperfect and to make mistakes. Being imperfect is the path to drawing nearer to God and to Christ and it's the path to growing into the next version of ourselves. And yet we can struggle so much with our self-love and our self-confidence when we fall into the idea that we know better and we should or shouldn't have shown up the way that we did..."I can't believe I just did that." Of course you can believe it. You're a human. You're going to do that. These unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves to always be perfect make it more and more difficult to progress on our path. So I put this in a thought model to show you how it works. So for example, circumstance: I speak my opinion at a family party in a tone of voice that is harsher than I like. Okay, so my thought could be: oh, I'm so horrible. I can't believe I'm so mean. And then the feeling, for me, the feeling that comes up with that is shame. We could also have feelings of maybe frustration or anger at ourselves, right? But then that feeling creates an action. For me, that action would be more self-berating talk, negative self-talk. And then my end result would be that I'm horrible to myself. I'm mean to myself. Notice really quickly, this is just a thought model thing. Notice that the thought "I'm so horrible. I can't believe I'm so mean," creates the result of I'm horrible to myself. I'm mean to myself. 

05:54 

Okay, but what we're going to do is not just one thought model, we're going to do two here. So notice in our action line: we had self-berating and negative self-talk. What happens is that our action line goes into our next circumstance line. Okay, so I'm self-berating, I have negative self-talk, that was my action. Now it's my circumstance. Generally, we're going to be a little bit more specific and we would put the exact words that I said, "I'm so stupid," or whatever, right? But we would put that in there. But in the circumstance, we're going to put those actions of self-berating, of negative self-talk. And then our new thought is, "I'm worthless. I can't do anything right." And then this creates a feeling of worthlessness. And then the action line: I sink farther into shame. I might have depressive thoughts. I might be, I might physically or emotionally disengage with myself, with others, and even with life. And the end result of those actions is that I don't put worth or value into the world. I don't do anything. I disengage. So what seems like a fact, a statement of fact initially, which says, "I'm so mean, I'm so horrible," is actually not a fact; it's a thought, it's an opinion. And it can feel so true when we look at what we did in our circumstance line and maybe even look at the repercussions that that action may have had on other people. 

07:23 

However, is it really true that we're mean, that we're horrible? I'm going to say "no" to that. No, first of all, because those are "I am" statements. Statements that declare who we are. I am mean..."I am horrible" rather than statements that declare what we did. I did something mean. I did something horrible. Right? And these types of "I am" statements will put us in a shame spiral really, really quickly. Second of all, okay, I'm going to say that they are not true because diverting from your normal behavior occasionally does not mean that you're horrible or mean or that you're always horrible or mean. Remember our primitive brains like to go to this "always" space, right? But what does it mean if we divert from our normal behavior occasionally? It means that we're human. And of course, you will occasionally say things in a way that you don't love or in a way that does not align with what you usually do. None of us manage our minds all the time. In fact, this work is not about always managing our minds. It's more about creating greater awareness around our thoughts and our feelings and our behaviors and understanding what may be behind the motivations behind them and then circling back around to heal and reconnect. Our goal here is not to become robots with no feelings who never make a mistake. That's just not possible. And neither do we want that. That would make us unable to connect with others. Our goal here is to be able to put awareness in place so that we can know better how to interact with people, how to understand better, how to understand others, and to step into vulnerability so that we can more deeply connect with the people that we love. 

09:20 

So let's do the same thought model, but let's put a more compassionate thought response in the same model and let's see how it plays out. So circumstance: I speak my opinion at a family party in a tone of voice that is harsher than I like. So the thought, more compassionate thought would be: sometimes I say things before I fully think it through and that's okay. The 

feeling: a lot of grace, a lot of compassion. The action that that feeling creates: I will speak kindly to myself. I will circle back around to apologize to anyone that I may have hurt. I create awareness around the thoughts and feelings behind my behavior. The result: I choose to say new things that help me to connect or reconnect with the people in my lives. Now just as we did last time, I'm going to put that action line of speaking kindly to myself, of circling back around and apologizing, of creating awareness in my next circumstance line. So I do those things. That's the circumstance. My thought: I love how I'm showing up right now. The feeling that that thought creates for me: self-love, compassion, confidence, any of those. The action line then: when I come from a place of self-love or compassion, I speak kindly to myself. I show up with greater kindness to myself and with others. And the end result: I show up in ways that I love. I adjust how I'm thinking, which adjusts how I'm feeling, which adjusts how I act. And I show up more in ways that I love. 

10:57 

So this is the thing. Somewhere in our growing up years, we learned the false principle that if we push ourselves with negative comments, with negative self-talk, if we berate ourselves and speak unkindly to ourselves, that we can motivate ourselves to do the things that we don't want to do. So we will say things like, "oh, come on, Tanya, you know better than that. Get your act together." Or I might think, "you're being ridiculous. You're being stupid or dumb or you're overreacting." I might even think, "why is it that I never learn my lesson? Why can't I figure this out?" And for many of us, these kinds of statements are so ingrained in our primitive brains that we don't even give them a second thought. And they're out and running the show even before we're aware that they are there. But as we've shown in the previous thought models, thoughts like that don't move us into positive change. They may create some short-term momentum. Sure, a quick burst of energy as Powered by Notta.ai

we work to get out of the negative emotions, the discomfort that is created by them. But long-term, they deflate us. They shut us down. They can't provide sustainable momentum to create lasting change. And even the momentum that they do create, that short-term momentum, comes with so much negative energy that it depletes us of energy so much quicker. 

12:25 

So the way to really create movement in the direction we want to go is to extend grace and compassion to ourselves. And this loving kindness creates a safe space within us to be willing to circle back around, to be willing to try it again to continue to move forward rather than skulking in the shadows of shame. This space of allowing for the sometimes, accepting that we won't always show up the way that we want to, that we won't always walk away unscathed, is a space of compassion and a space of love for ourselves. A place of accepting that we are here on Earth to make mistakes, to figure out through trial and error the path we want to walk. To sometimes show up amazing, and to sometimes show up okay, and to sometimes show up way out of alignment with who we really want to be. Sometimes we're not kind. And that's okay because we're working toward understanding how to be kind in more and different situations. Sometimes we're not patient. And that's okay because we're working toward understanding how to be more patient in new and challenging situations. 

13:33 

Have you noticed that once we learn something like patience in one circumstance, that it's not too long before another circumstance comes up that challenges our patience in a new and different way? It's like life is giving us opportunities to learn patience from every possible angle. And then when we've got that down pretty well, it seems that, it just never stops, right? It seems to start coming at us from a deeper level, from a place that requires that we understand ourselves better, that we offer a level of grace that hasn't been required before, that we dig deeper into our ability to be compassionate and loving to ourselves and to others. To think that we can learn something like patience once and be done is not a very helpful thought. Neither is it a true thought. Because these characteristics we are seeking to implement into our lives are deep and complicated and multifaceted, and they take a lifetime and beyond to address. So this sometimes space offers us a lot of grace to be human, to make mistakes, to not always be in alignment with our values and our desires. It can be really compassionate to be able to identify with thoughts like, "Usually I'm patient, but sometimes I'm not," "Sometimes I struggle to manage my mind around my mother-in-law, but mostly I do a pretty good job," "Sometimes I feel lazy and I procrastinate, and then I always figure things out in the end." So what if it's okay to be a human who isn't perfect? Because guess what? You are. You aren't perfect and you never will be in this life. And learning to make peace with the sometimes that you struggle more than others will help you strengthen you and prepare you to move forward with greater confidence. The sometimes struggle doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It actually means you're right on target. 

15:33 

Okay, so now let's apply this sometimes space to something that can be just as, if not more difficult, other people. Oh, sometimes for other people...it's always so interesting to me how we can step into a space of justifying and understanding our reasons for why we do things and yet struggle so much with allowing other people the same space. For example, when we are late to something, we understand why. We know all the reasons why. Someone called it the last minute. One of the kids borrowed the car and didn't put the keys back. There was unexpected traffic, blah, blah, blah, right, on and on. We understand why we were late. And yet when someone else is late and we are left waiting, it can be super easy to get judge-y about how they didn't plan ahead or how they're so disorganized or how they're not being respectful of our time. And when we inadvertently say something unkind, we can understand our intention behind it. It wasn't meant to be unkind. We were trying to be funny or clever. We weren't aware of all the circumstances. We didn't really understand that what we were saying would be taken unkindly. Things like that. And yet when someone else says something unkind to us, how easy it can be to start creating a lot of drama around how thoughtless they are and how they should know better and how they only think about themselves. And it's humans across the board who do this. We all do this. 

17:08 

So how do we create a healthy sometimes space for the other people in our lives? Well, the exact same grace we need to offer ourselves for being human and making mistakes is the grace that we get to learn how to offer other people. And for me, this most often comes in the form of assuming best intent. This means that I work really hard to assume that others don't intentionally want to say unkind or thoughtless things, but just like me, sometimes they do. People really do intend to be kind to do good, but just like me, they are humans who are living messy lives that sometimes can be challenging and difficult, that they have days that are hard and they feel disconnected with everyone around them. People around us are in tough marriages. They have children who are stressed, who they're stressed about. They have jobs that they don't love and 

they require too much of their time. They have mortgages due and cars breaking down and parents who are aging. No one has an easy, simple life and we all struggle at times to keep our heads above water and feel confident and as though we're of worth. 

18:19 

I loved the conference talk a few years ago and I tried and tried to find it and I just couldn't. So in, well, okay, I didn't spend all day looking for it, for sure. I gave it a good seven minute try. But remember the talk that reminded us that if we assume that all the people we meet are struggling with something, we'll be right. I was surprised with this concept this last week. I have a friend of mine, not a super close friend, but someone that I knew fairly well, fairly well as far as a fairly good acquaintance. Okay, there we go. So she posted on Instagram some details about her life growing up and it was the complete opposite of mine and it had never crossed my mind that she could have had a childhood so horrific. She wasn't a super close friend, like I said, but we had some pretty great discussions and unknown to me, she was carrying this huge and terrible burden. Had she ever said something that had come from this dark place and I didn't know that she had this darkness in her life, I could have easily misinterpreted to make it mean something about me or about my opinions and I could have easily been offended. I could have created a huge story about how insensitive she is. I could have spoken with other people of our acquaintance about how rude she was and how she should know not to say such a thing. The thing is, it can be super easy to assume that everyone has a life like us, that they have similar struggles and they've learned the same lessons that we've learned in life, that they should know not to say that sort of thing, that they should have the same perspective on all things. And yet nobody has a life like yours. Everything is unique about how you were raised, about the ideas that you learned growing up, the biases you have, the traumas you have experienced. Nobody has learned the lessons you have learned in the order that you have learned them, even our siblings. 

20:22 

Every sibling was raised by different parents because by the time I came along, my parents were different people than they were with my two older siblings. And by the time my five younger siblings came along, my parents were a different parent every single time because of all the things that they learned in there. And not only that, we were all I'm subjected to different people in our lives, different friends, different Sunday School teachers, different teachers at school. We were all subject subjected to different television shows. All these things. And all too often we forget this. We assume that because something makes sense to us, that it should make sense to everyone else as well. When we can really open our hearts to create a space for everyone else to have as unique of a life as we have had, when we can extend compassion for experiences that we have no idea that others have had, like my friend. I didn't have any idea that she had had such a dark and horrific childhood. And yet if I could extend compassion for her, even not knowing that, when we can assume and even believe that people are doing the best they can based on their life experiences and the tools that they have gained and learned over the years, then it is much, much easier to offer them grace. And offering grace looks like giving them a sometimes space as well. Usually they're very kind and sometimes they have a bad day and say something unkind. Just like me. Sometimes people are late. Sometimes people are distracted with their own problems. Sometimes people walk right by us and really don't see us. Just like me. Sometimes people see us and just don't have it in them emotionally that day to stop and chat. Just like me. Sometimes people get frustrated with my behaviors and ideas. Just like me. Sometimes people make decisions that impact others, including me in negative ways. Just like me. Right. I fully believe that the more grace we can offer people to be human, the happier and more content we all are because we make peace with the inconsistencies. We make peace with the seemingly insensitive comments or actions. Notice I said "seemingly", they seem to us to be insensitive. It's our interpretation. This doesn't always mean that what's going on is okay. But it does mean that we stop expecting perfection or even excellence from the people around us. 

23:09 

What if instead we started expecting people to have bad days and to be insensitive sometimes? Not because they're inherently mean, but just because they are inherently human. Having expectations of others to behave a certain way is usually a recipe for disaster because for all the reasons we have mentioned above, humans are unpredictable. An expectation is a prediction that someone should behave a certain way. And life is just too complicated to expect people to behave in a certain way. There is no certainty, remember? Creating a sometimes space for others not only brings us greater peace, but it creates a space of acceptance for others that they can feel safe and we can learn to accept others rather than expect from others. And this is a place where we can create connection. Our ability to create this sometimes space increases as we gain more wisdom and experience in life, which is one more reason it is so amazing to grow up into middle age. I love growing up, don't you? Pretty incredible. Sometimes space. Learn how to create more sometimes space. It's all based off of grace. Alright? 

24:47 

Okay, if you would love to chat with me about coaching, this is the deal, my friends. We do not see our own stuff. I work with my own life coach every week because the insight and the understanding and the perspective that I gain from sharing my ideas, from sharing my thoughts, from sharing my struggles is invaluable to me. And it up levels my life faster than when I'm not working with a coach. Do I make progress doing my own self-coaching and working through concepts like this? Yes, I do. But it goes so much faster when I'm working with a coach. And here's the thing...What if you could do something in the next three months to improve your life, to feel more satisfied, to feel more content, to feel more at peace with where you are? What if working with me for three months got you there, where doing it by yourself would take three years. years or five years? So worth the investment. We don't have to struggle. We don't have to be miserable in whatever situation you're in. You can absolutely manage your mind around these things and I can help you do it faster because I can help you to see things that your brain is not prepared to see. That's what working with a coach can do for you, is help you get out of the misery, help you get out of the stuck, and help you move forward. That's an amazing, amazing blessing and I promise you it is worth the investment in money, in time, in energy to work with a coach. That's why I continue to work with a coach because it is so worth it to me. My growth matters to me a lot and a coach helps me grow. Okay, so if you want to chat with me about coaching, go to tanyahale.com. You can click on the button up at the top that says "free consults" and let's chat about how coaching can help you. Let's talk about your situation. Let's talk about what we can create for you and how we can get you to the space that you would love to be in. I'm great at coaching and I would love to be your coach. And I guess because you're here on the podcast, I am your coach and I appreciate you allowing me to do that. But if you want some one on-one help, I'm all about it. Love it so much. Okay, thank you. Thank you for joining me today. Have a really, really terrific day, a great week, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

27:30 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.