00:00

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 258, "Communication That Connects." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:19

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you here. I would just like to encourage you as we talk about this topic today, if somebody comes to your mind and you think, "maybe they would like this," will you please share this with them? This today, we've got some good information today that I think is going to make such a huge difference and I think if we can just start cleaning up our communication, we can start having more connected relationships. We have so much miscommunication that is destroying relationships and it just doesn't need to. We can clean it up and this is one of the things. So we're going to be talking today about communication that connects.

01:07

So here we go. Communication is really kind of a fascinating thing because it can be really get easy to get in the mindset that if we are expressing our own ideas, that we're communicating. And sometimes we might even remember that the other person expressing their ideas as well is an important part, but there's so much more to communicating in ways that really connect and that's what we're going to discuss today. And it seems like it should be easy. We each say the things we want to say and then we understand each other and we move on. But it is not that easy. There is so much complicated stuff that goes on in our understanding. But some of the roadblocks that prevent understanding are first the whole miscommunication piece where there is so much misunderstanding. about what the other person is really thinking, feeling, and saying. And we just don't understand what they're saying or we make assumptions or we jump to conclusions about what they're saying rather than clarifying. Also we may struggle to really show up honestly in our communication and openly share our opinions, our wants, and our needs.

02:19

That is a problem with our communication. We may feel that we are supposed to always put the other person's wants and needs before ours and that we're not being Christlike and kind if we don't acquiesce to the other person for them to get what they want. Again, this place of not being honest and not stepping into these relationships as equals. Now, we're not even talking marriage relationships. It's easy to go there with this topic. But any relationship are we approaching each other as equals? And then even when we come to terms with our needs and our wants and our ideas being just as valuable, we may completely swing the pendulum to the other side and have unrealistic expectations and become demanding about what the other person should do with our opinions, with our information. And then we don't leave space for the other person to have ideas and understanding.

03:19

Okay, so we're going to tackle each one of these. Do you hear that truck? I've got my windows open today. I was going to mention that at the beginning, you might be hearing trucks or lawnmowers or birds today because the weather's so nice. I just got to have this window open. So anyway, so we're going to tackle each of these roadblocks so that we can improve our awareness of how we're communicating and what may be standing in the way of creating the connection that we really want in our relationships.

03:48

Connection doesn't just happen. It takes effort and it takes time and this is one I'm going to teach you skills today and understandings that are going to help us move into that. So let's talk first about the whole miscommunication piece where there's so much misunderstanding about what the other person is really thinking, feeling and saying. And this is where we oftentimes jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what they're saying. And then we get all, my kids would call it, butt hurt, right? We get all butt hurt about what's going on and we just we don't take time to understand. So communication is just so much more complicated than us just saying what we're thinking. And here's why what we think in our head, in our brain, and what comes out of our mouths very often aren't quite the same thing, right? You've noticed that if you stand back you go, "oh yeah a lot of times I misspeak or people don't understand because I leave information out," right? This is super, super common in our own heads. We are putting pieces together and we're making connections and those aren't always communicated well in our heads with words because all the pieces make sense in our heads even without words. Our thoughts can be so complex. They are interwoven with experiences and judgments and biases and background knowledge and values and taking that 4D complexity, that four dimensional complexity, and breaking it down to, let's say, a two dimensional word form can leave a lot wanting.

05:26

Is this making sense? We're taking something super, super complex, trying to put it in something simple like words. And we just can't express everything. So when we go to speak those four dimensional ideas, oftentimes they're not complete or they're not expressed well. And we all do this. Of course we do this. Plan on it and don't make it mean anything about how smart you are or how good of a communicator are you are. It's just your brain brain. It's just your brain doing what your brain does.

06:00

So the first two steps are that you have a complex interwoven thought and then you simplify it and speak that thought. So step one is your brain has a thought. Step two is you speak it out of your mouth. There's the first level of complexity when it comes to communication. The next step in communication, step three, is that the other person hears the words you just said. Now here's where things get even a little bit more tricky and complicated. How often do we hear only parts of what someone says? It may be because there's noise or our brain gets slightly distracted or whatever. For example, as I was talking, if you heard that truck outside blare up, your brain may have have checked out for two or three seconds thinking, "huh, what kind of truck that is? I have a truck," you know, your brain may have checked out. That's totally normal. Our brains do that. But if we have someone say something and ask someone else to repeat it, very often there are variances in what they repeat because our brains, we just hear things different. Our brains check in and out at different times. We get distracted. We follow a thought line. We do all kinds of things. And it may be as simple as switching out words like house for home or a the for an a or daughter for child. Small things like that, but small changes like this can make a huge difference sometimes as well. So the third step is what the other person hears is their ears. So so far we've got brain, mouth, ears.

07:35

Okay? And then the fourth step, do you know where we're going? Is the other person's brain, how they interpret what they hear the words that they picked up on. Remember that just as the first person's thoughts are interwoven with experiences and background knowledge and biases and values and judgments, so is the second person's brain's ability to interpret the words they hear. And it's extra tricky because none of us have the same experiences with which to interpret. We all have a

completely different way of interpreting and none of us have the exact same background knowledge or values or judgments or biases or experiences. So our unique interpretation of information will never be just like someone else's.

08:29

So here we go. Your brain says "think something" and by the time it gets to my brain interpreting it, both of us with our own experiences and values and biases and judgments and background knowledge, we've got two very very different things going on. Okay, but often we don't question whether what we heard and interpreted is correct. We just step into the assumption that it is correct. Right? We just move into this place where, "oh, I can't believe they said that," or whatever. Hence a lot of miscommunication. So here are the steps to kind of make it easier to remember. Okay? We've got our brain, your brain, your mouth, their ears, their brain. Okay? So those are the four steps that it goes through.

09:18

Now, so are you starting to understand a little bit better why communication can be so difficult and challenging? And most of us have never thought about this complexity before. We just think that we say things and the other person is either listening or not, they either understand us or not, and that's that. But it's so much more complicated. And if we don't learn to create a space of grace for these complexities, we will struggle with patience and with understanding. And we may very easily move

into thoughts like, "they just don't listen to me," or "they don't care enough to pay attention," or "if I was really important to them, they would hear what I'm saying." No, generally, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fact that it's gone through those four steps of complexity. My brain, my mouth, their ears, their brain. Right? So it's going to get all convoluted. It's like, remember that game when we were kids, when we would play telephone. And if somebody would give a complex

thought, by the time it went through two or three people, it was completely messed up. But by the time it's gone through 20 or 30 people, there's no semblance of what's going on. Right? It's not even the same.

10:37

So what if we just started with the idea that we probably didn't understand correctly, especially when what we just understood seems out of character? So here's what I want to offer. Expect that there will be a lot of miscommunication because of this process. Build into your conversations opportunities to clarify information and get curious and ask a lot of questions. This is the only way to get to real understanding. So here's the deal. It happens all the time because what's going on. So just this morning my husband and I...he was saying, "okay, so this weekend I want to be" (he was talking about some lamps in our room and hooking up, you know, because the light switch hooks onto one lamp, but then he's got all this other plus stuff plugged in and then it turns off. Anyway, it's just kind of this, this mess. And so he was talking about it, but I missed the first part of what he said and I was like, "okay, wait, so I'm totally confused here. Will you start at the beginning?" Right?

11:41

So the point of communication isn't just to get our thoughts out there. The point is for both of us to really understand the other person's ideas clearly and we can only be clear when we use clarifying questions. And I've gotten really good in this relationship when when I don't understand something to ask. I used to be embarrassed to ask if I didn't hear or understand. I used to think that it meant that I was stupid. I was making it mean all this stuff. And now I'm just like, "listen, I don't care if it makes me sound like I'm stupid," or sometimes I'll even just say, "ooh, I just checked out there for a bit. Sorry. Will you will you re -say that?" Right? But here are some ideas of questions that you can ask to really understand. I'm just gonna give you four. So they're gonna be super easy: "I'm not sure I really understand what you're saying about this. Will you explain it again?" Or "so what I'm hearing is _______, but I think I'm missing something because that doesn't make sense to me. What am what am I missing?" Here's the third one: "I can tell this is really important to you and I would love to know why you feel so passionate about it. Why is that at the top of your to do list this weekend?" Right? These kinds of questions. And here's a fourth one: "Tell me how you think that's going to impact the outcome."

13:03

Here's the deal. We just have to get over ourselves and our insecurity of asking clarifying questions. So for me, it was insecurity. I guess maybe for you, it's not. But for me in the past, it was always insecurity. It was thinking that I was going to be perceived as not very smart. And so I was afraid to ask clarifying questions and now I'm just like, "okay, like I'm not smart if I don't ask questions." Because I really want to understand. I don't want silly miscommunications turning into big issues just because I'm afraid to ask. Okay, so those are just a few of clarifying questions, but realize that any time you really start moving into curiosity and really seeking to understand the experiences, the background knowledge, the biases, the values, the judgments behind the words you hear with your ears, your understanding of the other person will increase. This creates greater connection because then you come to know them better. You start to know what makes them think the way they do, choose the way they do, feel the way they do.

14:15

This always leads to greater intimacy. I love that Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, if you've ever listened to her stuff, she's an LDS sex therapist and she's got some brilliant stuff going on, but she talks about this space. This space is what creates the greater intimacy, being known, really knowing them. And this kind of communication, this stopping to ask questions to clarify, to dig deeper, this not only cleans up the communication. So like if my spouse says something, and it's going from his complex four-dimensional thought in his brain, and it comes out two-dimensional in from his mouth, and there are pieces missing in there, I could jump to conclusions. But if I say, "okay, so I didn't understand this piece," it gives him a chance to go back and draw some more information from his brain and put it out as words and clarify information that in his brain makes sense, but coming out as words may not make sense. Okay, so we have to start asking a lot of clarifying questions, really just double checking information. "Okay, so you're saying that this Saturday you want to do this and this and this. Am I understanding that correctly?"

15:40

Okay, and here's the thing, that I mean that's just talking about things that we're doing, but when we start talking about different ideas, this doesn't mean that we have to agree with everything they say in order to create this greater intimacy, this greater connection. We just need to be able to hold space for them to have their own reasons for why they think and feel and act the way that they do. Moving in a greater connection through better communication doesn't mean that we agree. More importantly, it means that we have a good understanding of what the other person is really saying and why they're saying it. I just listened to a great podcast, it talked about how in 1994, after some killings at two abortion clinics in Massachusetts, six women were gathered together, somebody organized this group to talk about abortion, and three were very strongly pro-abortion and three were very strongly anti-abortion. I mean, very strong thought leaders in both of their groups and they got together regularly for about six years. They actually started with a four week, I think it was a four week experiment, where they were going to get together every week for four weeks and they eventually ended up spreading it out for six years. So during this time of intense conversations, none of them, none of the six changed their minds about their stance. But what happened was that they forged good intimate friendships. There was genuine affection between them and a deep understanding of people who before had been seen as enemies. Now they were seen as friends. They came to understand that they could maintain their own values, you know, their stance on abortion while developing a compassion and an understanding of why the women on the other side felt so strongly about their point of view. So we do not have to adopt the other person's point of view in order to understand them. But there will be no connection until we understand. We don't have to be scared of being converted over to some idea that we don't believe. We have to seek to understand.

18:09

So keep in mind how complex communication can be when we think it in our brain, say it with our mouth, they hear it with their ears, and then they interpret it with their brain. It's not as simple as you say and I say and we're good to go. It's important that we allow a space for really seeking to understand and clarify what you may not currently understand. And this is way bigger than you might think.

18:36

So with absolutely zero data, I'm going to say that probably 90% of the arguments and frustrations in our relationships come from basic miscommunication or a lack of communication. We jump to conclusions based on our own biases, our own judgments, our own ideas and we just didn't communicate about something and instead thought that the other person should just know which leads us into the second reason why communication can be so difficult. Because we make assumptions the other person should just know. We may struggle to really show up honestly in our communication and openly share our opinions, our wants, and our needs. We may feel that we are supposed to always put the other person's wants and needs before ours and that we're not being Christlike and kind if we don't acquiesce for the other person to get what they want and so we don't say anything. Societally, women in our generation have been taught that we need to be quiet. We need to be easy to get along with. We need to be low maintenance. We have to not be needy. We cannot be opinionated or overbearing and, one of my least favorite words, we cannot be outspoken. So much negative connotation in all of that. But we've were taught that this is what it took to be a good, lovely, amazing wife, woman in our generation.

19:57

And yet, when we show up this way, we are one downing ourselves. We are putting ourselves in a "less than" position and we cannot have good communication. We cannot create deep connection from that place. It can be scary to show up honestly, to ask for what you want, to speak up when you disagree. But until we can speak our truth, we can never be known. But being scared to ask for what we want or to share an opinion or an idea only sets us up for disconnection. For example, as women we often work so hard to be attuned to the needs of others that we think the other person should be working just as hard to be attuned to our needs. And so we think that we should be able to give small hints either verbally or non-verbally, and they will know our needs. On a hot day we might say, "wow, it's really hot out here," hoping that the other person will get the hint that we would like a drink, and when they don't bring us a drink, or when they don't stop at the store while we're driving down the road, we feel frustrated and angry that they didn't pay attention to us and stop to get us a drink. What will be really important for us to do is to start asking for what we want. For example, "when you come back outside, will you please bring me a glass of water?" The interesting thing is, many of us have seen this modeled by women in our lives, our mothers, our grandmothers, our friends' mothers, other women our age, and we have done it for so many years that, guess what? Our brain doesn't even catch on that we're doing it. It thinks we're asking when we're going in through the back door and leaving a crazy little hint, right? So we don't ask for what we want, and then we get upset that we don't get what we want, and we blame the other person when we didn't ask.

22:10

Now, this is such a normal human thing to do. So don't beat yourself up if you're going, "I think I do that." Just notice it and go, "oh, I do that. Huh, I'm going to start cleaning that up," because this is such a dysfunctional communication pattern. So learning to clean up our hints, our passive aggressive tendencies here will do wonders to help you show up more honestly and have better communication. This is something in the last few years I have worked on so much, because I was great at just leaving little hints. Well, I guess I wasn't that great because the hints weren't usually figured out. But that's how I did it. I felt like it would make me needy, it would make me weak, it would make me unlovable if I asked for what I wanted, if I asked for other people's time or energy. Okay? But we have to, we have to start asking for what we want. And if we're in a fairly healthy relationship, the other person is going to want to know what we really want. We're in relationships because we want to bless and serve and strengthen one another. We want to be partners and companions. And even if we're not married, if it's with our kids, we're in these relationships because we want to engage with each other and share with one another and connect with one another. And if it's an option for us to step up, we generally want to do it, but we cannot step up if we don't know what the other person wants. For some of us, we have been shut down over the years in certain relationships because we started off asking for what we wanted and it has always been denied or it caused some accusations about how we were selfish or demanding. And so we learned to not express our needs and be honest about what we wanted. I know oftentimes in my own particular circumstance it was less painful to not ask than to ask and be told no over and over and over again. So I learned to shut off asking. Sometimes our stepping up would create contention, so we learned that it was easier to keep the peace by giving in or top-shelving our wants rather than to seek to be more honest about it all.

24:38

And this has been a huge lesson for me in the past four years or so. In my previous marriage, I was generally one to give in to keep the peace and that kept communication and connection at a bare minimum. There was no way he could really know me when I wasn't willing to be known, to let my wants and needs be known. Now, I believe I had good reasons for holding back, but it continued to exacerbate the problem of me not being honest in my communication. In my marriage now, I can't imagine being anything but as honest as possible. And the emotional intimacy that this has created between us is far beyond anything I experienced in my previous marriage. Now, I don't see myself as being needy ever. I see myself as being a partner and partners rely on each other. We help each other. And if he can help me, he wants to help me. And if I can help him, I absolutely want to help him. Okay? We cannot and will not feel connected to someone that we don't trust enough to be honest with. We cannot and will not feel connected to someone we always feel we need to lie to in order to be accepted.

25:58

So showing up honestly, which we can do very kindly, we don't have to be ornery and mean, it is a key component to communicating in ways that create connection. And even when we do come to terms with our needs and wants and ideas being just as valuable, we may, this is another communication problem, we may have a tendency to swing the pendulum far to the other side and have unrealistic expectations and become demanding about what the other person should do with our information that we learn to speak. It can be super easy to go from never feeling like we're being heard to just going through this internal revolution where we say, "listen, I am meant to be heard," and then we find ourselves forcing ourselves into other people's faces. I've experienced this feeling myself enough that I never want to be unheard again. But the problem with this huge pendulum swing is that then we have a tendency to become the person who doesn't listen or seek to understand the other person because we get overcome with desperation and sheer grit that we're going to be heard.

27:11

And I think that this can actually be a pretty natural progression, especially if you've been holding back for a lot of years and I have actually seen this with many of my clients, as well as myself. But what this creates is us treating the other person the way that we hate being treated. We start making demands of the other person which puts us in a one-up, "more than" position. And I really have seen this in a lot of women. I understand the pain that we are coming from to move into this demanding "my way or the highway stance," but we don't clean up misunderstandings with more misunderstanding or with force. It's important that we start settling more into a space that is equality based, a space that says "what you think and believe is important and what I think and believe is important. Now let's find the collaboration between us." This is the place where connection becomes a natural byproduct of good communication, the place where we step into greater emotional intimacy. When one of us is playing small or if one of us is puffing up to take a one-up stance or a one-down stance, we will not find connection.

28:34

Connection will only be found in curiosity and honest communication in seeking equality. I promise communication can become your superpower if you will pay attention to what what's going on. Always seek clarification and understanding. Be willing to show up honestly asking for what you want and need, and honestly stating your opinions and treating the other person as an equal. Connection. This is the whole reason we communicate. We want to connect. We want to connect soul to soul. With our children, with our friends, with our spouses, we want this connection. We have to clean up our communication. We have to ask lots of questions. Alright, good stuff, right? Oh, I love it so much. All right. Thank you. Thank you for joining me today.

29:35

Again, if somebody came to your mind when you were listening to this, please share it. This podcast just has so much good information and it has changed my life so much and I want it to change yours and I want it to change other people. I would love for you to be having conversations with your friends around these topics because you all listen to this this podcast and

then you talk about it. You figure it out. You dive deeper amongst yourselves Such a great great way to progress and to move forward. And, my friends, if you are struggling, if you are struggling to connect, if you are struggling to feel like you're moving forward, if you feel stuck, if you feel like you just don't even know what the first step is...I got you. This is what coaching does and I am so good at coaching these days. I've had so much practice. I'm really confident and really proud of where I've gotten with my coaching skills and I can help you clean things up. I can help you figure things out. I can help you learn how to engage in ways that are going to create the relationship that you want so that you don't feel disconnected, you don't feel lonely in a relationship. Or so that as you're recovering from a divorce, that you don't just feel like you're floundering and stuck not knowing how to move forward. These tools I teach are fabulous and I can help you.

31:01

You can go to tanyahale.com, you can sign up for a three thirty minute consultation and let's talk about how coaching can help you. You do not need to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years struggling with what you're struggling with. We can figure it out in a matter of months. We can help get you in a better place in a matter of months. We can change your trajectory in a matter of months and you can have a different relationship than the one that you've got now. Promise you. Brilliant stuff. Love coaching so much. I love doing it and I love receiving it Okay, that is gonna do it for me today. Communicate, my friends, okay? And go to my website and sign up for a consult. Serious. If you've been thinking about it, let's talk. It's time to move forward. Aren't you tired of being stuck? I'm tired of you being stuck. I want you to move forward. I want you to feel and create what you want to feel and create. Okay, have a great, great week and I will see you next week. Bye.

32:13

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.