00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 255, "What is Gaslighting?" Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:20

Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. So happy to have you here. Two things. First, if you have not signed up for my weekend email, this is a thing to do. I would love to share with you every, I don't know, Friday, Saturday, sometimes on Sunday. I send out a quick email. It's meant to be read in like one minute or so. Just some quick little ideas about coaching, about things that we do, these same kind of concepts that we talk about. Just a little nibble piece for you to taste and see what you think and hopefully change and shift some ideas for you. So check that out. You can go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can click on the contact button and then you, I know, you got to scroll down a little bit and then there will be a place where it says "subscribe to my weekend win." I know it's not super, super easy to find or intuitive and I apologize for that. I just have not yet taken the time to play around on my website and figure out how to do all the things myself. So someday I will do that and then it will be easier. But in the meantime, it's still not hard to find, but you do got to go to my website.

01:30

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02:51

Okay, so that said, we're going to jump in today talking about gaslighting. So, here's some interesting facts that I found about gaslighting as I was getting prepared for this podcast. Did you know that the word "gaslighting" was Miriam Webster (that's a dictionary), it was their 2022 word of the year?So which means that it has come up in a lot of popularity and it's being used a lot. So its origins come from a play and a subsequent film from 1938 and 1944 which talked about a husband who uses lies and manipulation to isolate his rich wife and persuade her that she is mentally ill so that he can steal from her. And the words "gaslight" actually come from the lights in the house, the gaslighting that was in the house and when he would leave and go do something it would cause the gaslighting to flicker and to dim and then when she would talk to him about it he would convince her that it's not happening. He was trying to convince her that she was seeing things or making her second guess what she thought about things. And so that has become a term that we use now to refer to people who do the same things in relationships.

04:08

So according to Nicole Arts, gaslighting entails intentionally twisting, changing, or otherwise distorting reality to manipulate how others think or feel. Gaslighters mislead people to try to make them doubt their truth. As a result, victims of gaslighting often feel confused, insecure, lonely, and afraid to trust themselves. Oka,y so since the mid 2010s the term gaslighting has been gaining in popularity. Since it's not a word many of us from our generation grew up with, we may not be completely clear on what it means and how it's used. So today I'm going to give you some concrete examples and phrases that will help you understand it better. I'm specifically going specifically going to reference two articles from the website choosingtherapy.com. And these articles are written by Nicole Arts and Christie Lincoln. In fact, the phrases and definitions of gaslighting that I will be sharing come directly from their articles. Christie Lincoln's article is called "25 Gaslighting Phrases Abusers Use." And Nicole Arts' article is titled "20 Examples of Gaslighting."

05:24

So to be clear, I think that we've all engaged in gaslighting at some point. I know for me some of the phrases we're going to talk about today are just phrases I've heard at some point in my life and I've repeated without really thinking about them that much. And I don't think I've used them intentionally to try and manipulate and distort the truth in most cases. I'm sure that there have been times that I have. But I think that I've used them mostly when I've been trying to get my way or trying to get someone to see or do things my way. But as I have, I think that I've used them I'm working to really clean up my interactions and my communication and my relationships. It's important to recognize these phrases for what they are. They're a form of manipulation, trying to make the other person doubt what they know to be true.

06:11

So as we go through these lists, it will be really easy to point fingers. You may see situations where other people in your life have used gaslighting phrases on you. Okay, so good to be aware of. Right? Pay attention. And especially if you see it as incredibly pervasive and abusive, you will want to seek some help to learn how to move forward. Okay? Gaslighting is often associated with narcissism. But even those who are not narcissists will use these phrases. Now, if you're here listening to the podcast, chances that you're a narcissist are pretty slim. Just because people who are narcissists aren't usually looking to find better ways to live because they already think that they're living it perfectly. So it is associated with narcissism a lot. But for our purposes today, I want you to expand your understanding of gaslighting so you can be more aware of how you may be using gaslighting in your relationships. Your tendency will be to focus on others, because that's what we all do. But mostly I want you to focus on you today because you are the only one that you have control of and you get to be in charge of how you show up with zero control over how the other person shows up. Okay? So if this is overwhelming to you in the sense that you feel like you're being flooded with someone else doing these to you, you may want to seek some professional help to find someone who can help you clean this up and help you see the relationship for what it may be and figure it out. But mostly I want us to just really look at us today and be little bit introspective on when am I doing this, how am I doing this, am I engaging in this, and if we are, this is great information. It's a place to start cleaning things up.

08:08

Okay, so here we go. The first one I'm going to do is examples of gaslighting, and there are some different scenarios here that are used in this article. So the first one is gaslighting in a relationship. So here are some things that will happen. Number one: distracting with compassion. This is interesting. She says, like somebody may say, "I love you so much, and you know, I'd never intentionally hurt your feelings. How could you think I was flirting with her when you're the only one for me?" Okay, so gas lighting partners will often sugarcoat toxic situations with kind platitudes as a way to distract their partners from their feelings. Unfortunately, this often causes their partners to feel like they're overreacting or being too harsh. Okay, so a lot of compassion, but they're distracting from what's really going on.

08:58

A second example she gives: minimizing or making fun of feelings. Abusers will call their loved ones overly-sensitive, critical, or dramatic. They will often also get annoyed or make fun of them when they cry or show other emotional displays. As a result, the emotionally manipulated partner often feels ashamed and may try to withhold their feelings altogether.

09:23

The third one: discounting achievements. Gaslighting partners often feel intimidated and jealous of their partner's success. As a result, they will often tear down or question various accomplishments. For example, they might engage in backhanded compliments and phrases like, that's great you got a promotion, but it's a bummer you're still so underpaid in your role. Okay, so "oh yeah, I see your achievement, but I'm not going to let you win on that."

09:49

Okay, here we go: denying abuse. This is the fourth one. In cases of physical abuse, an abuser might flat out deny what happened. They might insist, for example, that their partner tripped, fell, or hurt themselves in another way. At times they may even be so convincing that the victim starts believing this version of the truth.

10:09

And the fifth one she gives of examples in relationships is withholding information. Some gaslighting partners will play mind tricks on their loved ones by insisting they told them to do something that they never did. Then they will get mad at their loved ones for forgetting. It might play out like, "what do you mean you didn't pick up the dry cleaning? I told you about it this morning. Were you not paying attention again?"

10:32

Okay, so now in this article she's going to give some examples of gaslighting parents. So these kind of parents will typically tell children how they should feel. They will deny or dispute any instances of harm and they'll work hard to make themselves appear better than they are. So these parents will often shame, belittle, or discount their child's experiences. So here we go.

10:54

The sixth example that they're giving: labeling the child's feelings. You're not really hungry, you're not that upset, you're tired. So even if a parent has good intentions, telling a child how they feel can disregard how they actually feel in a given situation. Over time these children may grow up suppressing their own emotions because they don't believe anyone will listen or care. This, to me, goes back to that phrase that that we heard all the time growing up, "I'll give you something to cry about," right? Like what you're crying about is not worth crying about.

11:25

Here we go, number seven: denying the truth. Gaslighting parents will blatantly lie about certain situations. For example they might insist they never said something or that the child is making things up. They may pretend to have no idea what the child is talking about. This can cause children to question themselves and feel perpetually uncertain. Okay, you can see how these kinds of things are causing people to question their own good judgment, to question their memory, to question what they know.

11:59

Number eight: questioning the child's memory. "You don't remember what happened. Do you really believe I'd make this up?" So even if a parent has a subjectively different experience than a child, a gaslighting parent will insist that only their version of the story is appropriate. As a result, children often feel invalidated about their experiences.

12:18

Number nine: shifting blame. Gaslighting parents will often blame the child for their own mistakes. They might insist that a certain issue wasn't their fault or that the child somehow provoked it to happen. If they do apologize, it isn't genuine. It's more along the lines of, "I'm sorry you got so upset."

12:37

And number 10: dismissing the child's needs. It's perfectly acceptable for parents to reject particular requests, but gaslighting parents are often cruel and vindictive when doing so. For example, they might make snarky comments like, "you're so spoiled," or, "why do you keep asking me for things?" This leaves the child feeling like a burden and may exacerbate anxiety and depression. Okay? So I think there's a difference between a child's needs and a child's wants. This is my own view. A child may want things that they really don't need. I think we absolutely have the right, and sometimes even the obligation, to say no. But if they need something else and we keep turning it on them, like that phrase that she just used here, "you're so spoiled." Right? That kind of stuff.

13:28

Okay. This next section, she talks about examples of gaslighting and friendships. And she says, "a friendship with someone who gaslights often feels incredibly one-sided and unfair. That's because gaslighting friends usually make the relationship entirely about themselves. They seemingly disregard other people's feelings and often appear to use their friends to satisfy their own needs. In these dynamics, friendship isn't about empathy or mutual respect, instead, everything feels like a continuous power struggle."

13:57

So here we go. Number 11. Example that she gives is pitting friends against each other. Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond. They often hope that others will be grateful for their truth. I had a district leader on my mission who did that with us and another companionship of missionaries, telling each group lies about the other one to get us angry at each other. Interesting, right?

14:32

Number 12: befriending romantic partners. Gaslighting friends often want to get close to their friend's significant others. They may deliberately try and to incite jealousy, but they also might be genuinely interested in stealing someone else's partner. Often, if confronted, they will deny these intentions and even accuse the friend's partner of being so flirtatious.

14:52

So the 13th one: showing inauthentic concern. They would say things like, "I'm getting worried about how much you forget things." Gaslighting friends may play charades insisting that they care about someone else's well-being while simultaneously trying to tear that other person down. The victim often feels confused by this statement and starts questioning their truth. So in that example that she just gave, insisting they care about someone else's well-being, "I'm getting worried about you," while trying to tear that person down, "because you're forgetting things."

15:29

Number 14 is frequent gossip. Gaslighting friends thrive on gossip as it offers them a sense of validation, control, and power. Therefore, they will often get close to people just to dig up dirt and then use that information as leverage when they need it later on.

15:45

And number 15: invalidating emotions. Gaslighting friends may make comments that insinuate that others are always exaggerating or acting inappropriately. They might make offensive statements like, "you don't really feel that way," or, "it's not that bad. Other people have it so much harder than you." These statements often leave other people feeling hurt and ashamed.

16:07

And then she gives the last five examples of gaslighting in the workplace. Gaslighting in the workplace often causes people to question their skills and their competence and it can make for a significantly hostile work environment. And employees often feel marginalized and like they're walking on eggshells in the office. So here we go.

16:26

Number 16: silently sabotaging. A gaslighting co-worker or boss might try to sabotage an employee's reputation by jeopardizing their work. For example, they might promise to send over a vital document only to never send it. Or they might "forget" to invite an employee to a meeting only to berate them later for failing to show up.

16:46

Okay, number 17: omitting essential information. Gaslighting bosses may expect their employees to read their minds. As a result, they might be intentionally vague when giving project instructions. This manipulation often puts employees in a lose lose situation. On the one hand, they don't want to incorrectly guess their abusive boss' expectations, but they often fear that asking for clarification will come across as needy or incompetent.

17:14

Number 18: extreme defensiveness. Gaslighters in the workplace do not take personal accountability when they make a mistake. Instead, they react defensively. For example, if an employee attempts to set a boundary about inappropriate conduct, the gaslighter will typically respond in a dismissive or an angry manner.

17:34

Number 19: inauthentic helpfulness. Gaslighting employees will pretend to help out their peers, although their attempts are manipulative. For example, they might insist they're almost done with a specific project when they haven't even started. And they lie and spread a rumor about everyone in the department getting raises, even though that isn't the case.

17:57

Alright, and number 20: hypocrisy. Gaslighting bosses may be overly strict on certain policies when it comes to their employees, only to disregard those rules themselves. For example, they might talk about the importance of showing up to work on time, even when they arrive late most mornings. If confronted, they will often deny their wrongdoing and attempt to somehow blame the accuser.

18:19

Okay, so the other article was 25 gaslighting phrases that are often used. So the other ones were just situations, but these are some actual specific phrases that I think are really helpful to listen to. So here we go.

18:34

Number one: "you're being paranoid." This is a favorite phrase of abusive or cheating partners. It may be combined with projection, which means accusing you of cheating. When combined with accusations, the likelihood of your partner manipulating you increases. Ask yourself, "am I generally paranoid? What is making me think this? What does my gut say?" Okay? Your being paranoid is making you question your own ability to see things and understand things.

19:04

Okay, number two: "you're overreacting." So does your boss take your ideas and present them as their own without giving you credit? When you try to talk to her about it, do they brush you off? This phrase is used to shut down further dialogue and the other person gets off scot-free. Okay, "you're overreacting," I think is a well-used phrase in the world of gaslighting.

19:26

Number three: "that never happened." Although it can be hard for parents to hear when their child opens up about bad things that happen to them in childhood, healthy parents want to learn all they can about it and support their adult children. Wholesale denial that it even happened can indicate that you are being gaslit. Remember, the goal of gaslighting is to get you to deny your own reality. I am tempted to do this when my kids bring up things about their childhood and I've found myself though being able to say, "I don't have any recollection of that and it doesn't seem like something I would do but I'm not going to say that I didn't do it." I mean I very well might have. I just don't know. Like, just because I don't remember, and it doesn't seem like me, doesn't mean that it didn't happened, right? A lot of times we do crazy things sometimes.

20:16

Alright. Number four: "you are making that up." Similar to "that never happened," this statement is even more damaging. Telling you that you are making things up leads you to not only doubt your reality, but it accuses you of trying to gaslight and manipulate them. Most of us take some pride in being open and honest people and this phrase turns that upside down.

20:37

Okay, number five: "you have always been crazy." Watch out for "always." Nobody is always one way. Ask yourself whether this parent benefits from me thinking of myself that way. Not parent, this person, sorry. Ask yourself whether this person benefits from me thinking of myself that way. Do other people in my life think of me that way? It may help to think of past times where you are not angry, crazy, bad with money and so forth.

21:05

Okay, number six: "I don't know what you want me to say." So this may be said when you are trying to get them to understand your point of view, or they may not like hearing calm, reasonable questions about their behavior. It is a way of prematurely shutting down the conversation. I think that that one's probably pretty common as well.

21:26

Here we go, number seven: "it's your fault." Suppose you left some food for your partner that just needed to be heated up. They refused to pop it in the microwave and instead blame you for their hunger. They wanted you to serve them hot food and nothing else would do. Same with anger. When you have to walk on eggshells around someone, gaslighting is likely at play.

21:46

All right, number eight: "everyone agrees with me." This one has the added bonus of making you feel isolated. If they can convince you a reasonable person would agree with them, you will likely back down and question your own reality. If you already harbour doubts about yourself in this area, it can be hard to see the manipulation at play.

22:06

Okay, number nine: "it was just a joke. Can't you take a joke?" If you get upset over an insult, you may hear that it's just a joke or that they were just joking. Of course, close friends, partners, relatives joke around with each other, but if these often come at your expensive, they're hurtful, and you can't reply in kind without negative consequences, pay attention to this. All right, do you find yourself having these these joking conversations and then telling people, "oh it was just a joke, just kidding, JK," like my middle school kids used to do that all the time, they would say something just hurtful, just mean and then they would say "just kidding," right? There we go.

22:51

Number 10: "how dare you accuse me of doing that? I never did that, you are the one who is hurting me." So this is a tactic known as DARVO: deny, attack, reverse, victim, and offender. So this tactic often used by narcissistic abusers tends to work because normal people are horrified that they have hurt another person. It gets you to drop your valid concern and focus on earning forgiveness. Okay? I think that's a fascinating one, right? We talked to someone about a concern we have and they all, they, you know, "how dare you accuse me?" Then you're the villain for making that happen.

23:33

Number 11: "why can't you be more like your sibling?" So this phrase may indicate that there's a golden child scapegoat dynamic. The golden child can do no wrong while the scapegoat can do no right. This leaves everyone unbalanced as they compete for love and attention from the parent.

23:51

So number 12: "I can't have any negative emotions around you." When defending yourself from abuse, watch out for blanket statements like this one. Perhaps you called them out and their reaction is a torrent of abuse. When you point that out, they become hysterical or cold, claiming they can't be their true selves around you. Okay.

24:14

Number 13: "there is something seriously wrong with you." If every time you talk about your feelings, you are met with a version of this statement, consider the source. If they are walking away feeling superior and you are left wondering if there is indeed something wrong with you, who does this benefit? Okay.

24:34

Number 14: "the Bible commands us to ..." Okay, using religion to gaslight you as a special type of malice, inserting themselves into your relationship with God to benefit them, often works well for them while leaving you shaken and guilty. This is a form of spiritual abuse and it's not okay under any circumstances. Alright. I would say along with that comes the, "well, the prophet says," that's kinds of comments, right?

25:05

Here we go. 15: "well, you're not perfect either." When you try to bring up a grievance, the conversation quickly shifts to mistakes you've made in the past. There's no room for the current issue you're trying to discuss. This puts you on the defense, which is the point. So when somebody talks to you about something, if your defense comes out and you want to say "you are not perfect either," there we go. That's gaslighting.

25:28

Okay. Number 16: "stop exaggerating." Your concerns are not important to them. So you must be embellishing. Ask yourself, "does this person usually brush off issues I bring up? Do other people in my life accuse me of exaggeration?" Right.

25:43

Number 17: "don't blame me. I never meant to hurt you." Okay. So this is frustrating to hear. Intentions aside, you were hurt and hearing this stonewalling technique stops the conversation cold. Sometimes a silent treatment will follow. This is time to be extra kind to yourself as you wrap your mind around what just happened.

26:05

Okay. Number 18: "let's forgive and forget. "You're a forgiving person, and at least you like to think so. If you have heard this in your religious tradition, you may feel bad about not letting it go. Remember forgiveness is not reconciliation. You can forgive and still honor your boundaries. Just a reminder, these are coming from the point of view in the article of looking out for people gaslighting you, but I'm asking you in the course of this to look at ways that you might be using these phrases to gaslight other people.

26:44

So here we go, number 19: "why are you always bringing up the past?" Likely because nothing has been resolved if you are trying to point out a pattern of behavior, they do not want to hear it. They have no interest in being held accountable for the past amuse.

26:59

Okay, number 20: "this is how you treat me after everything I've done for you." The ultimate guilt trip. If said by a parent, remember they are supposed to care for their children. Holding normal parenting over your head is a sure sign that you are being gaslit and manipulated. Okay, do you say that to your kids? "This is how you treat me?" I think I've definitely said that at least in my head, if not out loud.

27:26

So number 21: "we talked about this, don't you remember?" Perhaps your partner stayed out late without telling you ahead of time. Most people will stop for a while and comb through their memories to see if it has any merit. Healthy partners would want to apologize if it's true, but now you are doubting your own memory.

27:44

Okay, number 22: "I think you need professional help." Be wary of when you are being told any variation of this, like the play and movie of the same name, the gaslighter's goal, may be to break you completely, convincing you that you are having a nervous breakdown is an effective way to do this.

28:03

Okay, number 23: "you think you're so smart." Especially if your abuser is threatened by your intelligence, this cutting phrase is meant to knock you down a peg or two.

28:14

Okay, number 24: "you have an active imagination." This implies that you have made everything up or that or at least embellished heavily. It is designed to get you to go back over the facts you are trying to assert and hopefully make you doubt yourself.

28:29

And the last one, number 25: "you always have to be right." Projection at its finest. When this is projected onto you, don't take the bait. Of course, we all like to feel that we're right. But when used as weapons, it's about them, not you.

28:45

Okay, so I know that we went through those pretty quick. But they're just kind of quick articles to read anyway. But these two articles really helped me to understand more fully what gaslighting is. And I hope that they've done the same for you.

28:59

So I want to ask, what did you recognize in your behaviors? What you saw is the awareness that we need to start moving in a better direction to create healthier relationships. So a piece at a time, my friends, small nudges in the direction we ultimately want to go is what's going to get us there. Be patient and compassionate with yourself, know that you have had very good reasons for using these gaslighting phrases at times and these techniques. Your reasons may just be repeating what you've heard thoughtlessly. It might just be an awareness of how manipulating what you're saying really is or it might be coming from a place of trying to protect yourself and have a voice. But now that you know better, you can do better. That's the process of what we're doing here. It's not like we're all going to just change and be amazing people tomorrow. Like, we're amazing as is, but we clean this stuff up a piece at a time. We don't get on to 20 miles of highway and have it cleaned in a day, right? We pick up the trash, a piece at a time. We start figuring it out. We start cleaning it up. Clean up your side of the road. That's all you can do.

30:13

Now, again, I'm going to reiterate that if I went through that and you were flooded with, "Oh my gosh, there's somebody in my life that does so many of these to me all the time." That would be cause for concern. And I would suggest that you seek some professional help to know how to work in that relationship or how to get out of that relationship or know how to stand up for yourself in that relationship. But most of us are probably not in that circumstance. This was just an exercise to help you understand gaslighting better and to see times in your life where you might have trying been trying to manipulate others with gaslighting phrases.

30:56

Okay, I love growing up. I love figuring this stuff out. And I'm so grateful you're on this journey with me. It's pretty amazing, isn't it? I love it so much. All right, have an awesome, awesome week, my friends, and I will see you next time. Ciao.

31:13

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday emails: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!