00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 254, "When You Feel Resentment." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:21

Well, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. I'm so glad to have you here today to talk about resentment. Now this is a more difficult emotion that a lot of us feel and it is emotion that comes from anger, unchecked anger, anger that is allowed to continue to grow. We often refer to as resentment. So let's start off by looking at a definition. Resentment in the dictionary was defined as, "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, an insult, or an injury." So the word indignant means, "feeling or showing anger because of something unjust or unworthy." So if we kind of combine those two, it's basically a feeling of justified angry, displeasure at something that is regarded as wrong or as an insult or as an injury. And I think that all of us feel resentment, at least sometimes, because it's a pretty normal human response to pain. There's a lot of things that go on here that when we feel anger, we like to continue to tell a story and build up the drama around that in our heads. Totally normal. It's all part of what we do as humans.

01:41

But resentment destroys relationships. When left unchecked, resentment then often leads to contempt, which is a feeling of being one-up in a relationship or someone seeing themselves as on higher moral ground than the other person. They may even look down on the other person with disgust. Contempt will have a showing up with disdain, disrespect, and even hatred for the other person, often seeing them as worthless. And when someone has contempt for another person, it is difficult for the object of their contempt to do anything right because it's all being filtered through a lens that says that the other person is always wrong, always intentionally behaving in ways that drive them crazy. Holding another person in contempt really sets the other person up for failure, because in our eyes, nothing they do will be interpreted as coming from a good place. There isn't any place for grace or forgiveness offered from a place of contempt.

02:44

So for example, one spouse might start sharing something that happened during their day and the contemptuous spouse will turn their back and walk away, not even willing to acknowledge their bid for connection. Or the other person may not respond the way that you thought that they should. So you shut them down and refuse to continue to discuss the topic even if the other person is seeking to repair and connect. A contemptuous teen might retort, "whatever, you're so stupid." Contempt is expressed through negative judgment, through criticism or sarcasm, often targeting the worth of the other person. It is attacking the other person personally, rather than discussing the behavior or the circumstance. In fact, there is nothing to discuss because the contempt often doesn't see the other person as worthy of their time or their effort or their energy. And they won't see the other person as capable of being anything but the horrible person that they have already made them out to be in their minds.

03:50

Now, I know that this sounds extreme and like it would be so obvious to notice. Like, of course I can see that. But guess what? It isn't obvious. Contempt can seem very logical in the mind of the one feeling it and it may not send up any red flags. Of course, it just makes sense that we feel that way. In fact, they will most likely feel very justified in their judgments and in their feelings. So John Gottman, who is a very well known marriage researcher, runs something that he calls the "love lab." And after thousands of hours of data that they've collected watching people react, mostly married couples, react in this love lab, Gottman and his team can watch a couple interact in this love lab and after 15 minutes, they can predict with 90% accuracy whether the couple will still be married in five years. Serious. That's some serious data collection that gives them so much information. A large part of being able to make these accurate predictions is seeing how the other couple interacts and how much contempt there is between the couples. John Gottman says that the strongest predictor of divorce is contempt. And that's a pretty powerful statement from one of the foremost relationship experts and researchers in the world. So if resentment leads to contempt, it's important that we learn to start recognizing our resentment patterns and figuring out what we want to do with them before they turn into contempt.

05:34

So, let's dig into resentment. Okay, what causes resentment? Generally resentment is associated with anger, but it's an anger that has stuck around, whereas anger can come and go and then release after a short amount of time. Resentment is a persistent anger that doesn't seem to go away, that may even continue to get worse over time. Resentment is also associated with feeling as though we have been the recipient of unfair treatment, which is why boundaries and resentment are often talked about in the same dialogue. Boundaries set the standard for what is okay and what is not okay. It's a place where we can feel that we are being treated fairly and from a place of respect. Okay, so I've done several podcasts on boundaries, notably number seven, eight, and nine I believe three podcasts in a row where we discuss boundaries. Good stuff if you haven't checked it out.

06:34

Okay, so another thing that tends to be associated with resentment is the continual ruminating over the experience. Consistent dwelling on the hurtful experience, constantly feeding and adding to our story rather than seeking understanding and clarification. Resentment in relationships is often connected to thoughts that we're not being treated fairly or equally, which may or may not be true. One reason working with a coach can be so powerful is because I can help you see thoughts that are creating resentment and you get to look at them and figure out if they're true or not. Sometimes they are and sometimes they're not, but we have to see it before we can figure it out. Resentment can come from a place of feeling like we're being taken advantage of or a situation where you feel you are treated with disrespect, unkindness or rejection. Resentment also has a huge impact on our mental health. It will affect our relationships with others, which affects our mental health, and it can cause us to experience depression or anxiety. It also plays part in us feeling disempowered as though we don't have any control over the situation, and this puts us in a victim mentality. Sometimes we go to resentment because it's a powerful emotion and it can be one piece of our life where we do feel powerful and in control of that power. It's just a false and a destructive form of power because resentment actually robs us of our power and leaves us feeling like we're at the mercy of the person that we have made the villain in our story.

08:18

Now this isn't to say that there aren't very valid feelings of anger for circumstances that we may be in. It's just that resorting to resentment isn't a very productive response. Oftentimes when we feel resentment, we don't rely on healthy communication strategies. Instead we will move into passive aggressive or manipulative behaviors. A healthy response would be to create some honest and open "owning your own" communication. Something that allows us to address the conflict in a way that leads to connection rather than contention. Okay? So sometimes resentment is founded in truth. It's founded in treatment that is not okay, that in some way we are compromising ourselves by not setting up and speaking clear boundaries. So resentment isn't always bad. It can absolutely be a signal that we are not communicating our wants and our needs in a healthy way. But resentment might also be a signal that we are moving into that victim mindset that we talked about earlier. And here's something fascinating about that. We can put ourselves into a one-down position by seeing ourselves as a victim to the villain, powerless to act on our own behalf, while simultaneously putting ourselves in a one-up position with thoughts such as, "I would never treat anyone that way." Which is a very subtle way of saying that "I'm better than they are." Isn't that crazy? We one-up ourselves by making ourselves the martyr to somebody else's bad behavior.

09:57

I was so good at doing this in my previous marriage. My spouse would say or do something and I would get angry about it, but I wouldn't speak up. I'd just let it fester and I'd fume about it and be complicit in my own martyrdom by being passive aggressive. Then I'd get all self-righteous about how much better of a person I was than him and how he didn't deserve me. So when I think back on it, I believe that sometimes I didn't speak up just so that I could be the martyr and feel like I was superior and more righteous than he was. So fascinating how our brains seek to protect us in so many ways that are ultimately so destructive. So my resentments might actually be important information that I'm compromising myself by not having clear boundaries about what's okay and what's not okay. And my resentments are not. Resentments might be important information that I'm setting myself up to be in a superior one-up position.

10:59

So how do we know where our resentment is founded? Okay, we have to be really honest with ourselves. In my life, I've found it can be really easy to lie to myself and get myself to believe something because I refuse to acknowledge the tickle of a thought in the back of my brain. It's because I know what it's going to say and I don't want to hear it, right? It's almost like a thought on the periphery of my vision. I can almost see it but not quite, but my pride and my self-righteousness keep me from turning my head to look at it full on. Sometimes I just don't want to see the truth about myself.

11:39

It can be so much easier to blame and accuse than it is to take responsibility. And to be fair, it takes a lot of courage to turn our head and see what's going on, what we've been choosing not to see. Every client I work with, can I tell you, I am amazed at their courage. To be willing to let me help them see their thought errors, to willingly come to me, asking to see where they are showing up as a victim or as self-righteous...it's tough work. I see a lot of tears, but I tell you what, it is work well worth doing. I promise you that.

12:19

Okay, so how do we work through resentment? First, we have to acknowledge that it is there. Resentment can look like anger about unresolved arguments and focusing on the other person's flaws rather than on the problem. It might look like thoughts about your partner that cause you to pull away emotionally, blaming them for not listening to you or being distracted with TV, phones, or gaming. It could also look like constantly overthinking and rethinking about what was said and creating stories and drama in your head about their reasoning, about how mean they are, about how thoughtless or uncaring they are. It might also look like seeking retaliation or unwillingness to forgive, holding grudges and not being able to let go and move on. Resentment might also show up as overreacting to situations. You will find yourself bringing up all of your pent-up emotional baggage to a conversation, and unloading it at a time that really doesn't warrant all of that anger or frustration, flying off the handle about something small, right? Or it may show up in under-reacting, passive aggressive behaviors. "It's fine, everything's fine, I'm fine." Comments where everything is clearly not fine, but also a refusal to talk about it. Another passive aggressive resentment behavior is giving someone the silent treatment or ignoring the other person. These are closely tied to holding a grudge and not forgiving. All signs of resentment. All signs that we are putting ourselves in a one-up position, a place where we are devaluing the other person. This silent treatment or ignoring the other person is a very passive aggressive way of letting the other person know that they aren't worth your time, your energy, or your effort to engage with. When we move into these types of patterns, we are shutting down the thing that we most need, which is healthy communication. But we're also very clearly communicating to the other person that they are not important enough or valuable enough to us for us to invest the time and energy to try to communicate better.

14:41

Being on the receiving end of this type of behavior is incredibly painful, especially in a marriage relationship where we are committed to valuing and honoring the other person and where it's a breakdown of trust. These types of behaviors also come with a pretty healthy dose of control issues. We have some pretty high expectations for how the other person should be showing up and how they should be responding. And we're not offering much, if any, grace for the other person to be a human and to make mistakes. Resentment may not seem like a big deal, but it is a really big deal in our relationships. If resentment leads to contempt and contempt is the number one reason for divorce, it's a big deal.

15:35

And maybe the person that you're harboring resentment toward is not a spouse. But it's still a big deal because moving into contempt in any relationship will destroy it. Again, I'm not saying that the other person doesn't have any responsibility for what is going on, just that you can only control you. You can only manage your own thinking about the circumstance and not how they respond or behave. Once you've acknowledged the resentment that you are embracing, it's important that you start to take responsibility for it. Not responsibility for the other person's behaviors, but responsibility for you moving into resentment. Are you showing up with a loving and respectful voice in your relationship?

16:22

And this is where the "own your own" sentence framework can be so helpful. If you recall, this says "when (name the circumstance), I feel (name a one word emotion), because I'm thinking (what's the thought that's creating that emotion)." Okay, if you're new and don't know what that is, go back, I don't know, five, six, seven, eight, maybe 10 podcasts to the "How to Own Your Own." Such important information. Okay, owning your own allows you to have a voice without accusing or blaming or attacking. And this can open up a door to some honest communication and some real understanding that has possibly been missing in your relationship. In my previous marriage, I harbored a lot of resentment for not being seen and heard when I was the one not standing up or speaking up. I was expecting him to just know what was going on for me without me having to step into the vulnerability to say it. Very unfair, right? If we're not going to speak up and stand up and say the things, we gotta take a look at that.

17:30

Along these lines, it is so important to have clear boundaries around what's okay and what's not okay for you. In many relationships, having a clear discussion about boundaries may not even be necessary because you both have a clear understanding of what's appropriate and not appropriate in your relationship and you don't cross that line. Right? You both come to the relationship table already being clear on what you want and what you don't want, and what's okay and not okay. But if the other person is always doing something like calling you names that you don't like, you not only have a right, but you have a responsibility to speak up and let them know that it's not okay. This is how we protect our relationships. If it's a behavior that you have tolerated for many years and built up years and years of resentment about, it's most likely going to take a lot of courage to speak up and begin a conversation. But until we start putting all of our things on the table, we cannot take a look at it and work through it. If you're harboring resentment, it is your responsibility to put it on the table.

18:40

This is also where the concept of "no back burner issues" plays such an important role. A small back burner issue can fester and bubble and boil and we just keep adding stuff to the pot. And eventually we have an overflowing pot that is rancid and putrid and explodes creating a huge mess. It is so much easier to address issues when they are small than when they get big. If we pull the weed when it only requires two fingers, that's a much easier job than if we wait until we need a shovel to dig it out. Resentment means that you now have a huge overgrown weed that needs a shovel or that you now have a large festering pot of back burner issues that's going to explode soon. Not having back burner issues will help you to keep resentment from growing into something bigger than it should be. I guess maybe even been saying to keep anger from growing into something bigger than it should be like resentment or even contempt. It's absolutely your responsibility to address the issue with love and compassion and kindness, owning your own. The other person gets to respond the way that they choose. If it's someone who is responding as well with a lot of pent-up resentment and pain and protective behaviors, this could take some unraveling.

20:01

However, when approached with compassion, another person who loves and values you will figure out how to move forward and create something different, even if it's a little rough at first. At some level, we have to trust that the other person cares about the relationship and about us and will eventually move into acknowledging our pain and also acknowledging their pain. And then we get to take an opportunity to be open to the other person who is sharing their pain and then let the honest communication begin. There can be a lot of vulnerability required here and vulnerability requires, first, trusting ourselves to go there and have our own back regardless of how the other person shows up. And second, trusting the other person to value us enough to honor our relationship and not ridicule or dismiss it. John Gottman's work also talks so much about the importance of trust in a relationship. Every strong relationship is strong in trust. Holding onto resentments is not trusting the other person. You're not trusting yourself, the other person, or the relationship enough to be honest, to have open communication about things that need to be addressed.

21:27

If you're seeing that you have resentment that needs to be cleaned up. Today's the day, my friend. Now is the time to take care of it. Do not wait. Do not let your relationship fester any longer. Let's start cleaning things up and I can help you. In fact, I would be honored to help you clean up your resentment to show up with more vulnerability and honesty in your relationships and step into an emotional intimacy you haven't known yet or haven't known for a long time. This is what I do as a coach. This is all part of growing up. There are things here that just didn't make sense to us earlier, but now is the time, my friend. We can do this.

22:19

Okay, so if you want to talk with me about coaching, please go to tanyahale.com. There is a tab that says "free consultation." Click on that. You have access to my calendar to find a time that will work for you. Let's sit down and chat about coaching. Let's talk about where you want to go, what you want to create in your relationship, how you want to show up. And we can talk about how I can help you get there. How I can help you clean up things like resentment in your relationship so that you can have this relationship that you've always wanted. So many of us, far too many of us, are just surviving our relationships. We're just putting up with our partner rather than stepping into this oneness, this emotional intimacy, that is available to us. We can do this. Sometimes we just don't know how. And as a coach, I get to help you see. I get to help make you aware and I get to help give you tools to help you do that. Let's chat, my friends. Get online, set up a consult. Okay, and that is going to do it for me today. Good stuff about resentment. We've got to be aware of it. We've got to see it and we've got to put an end to it. No more resentment, my friends. It is destroying your relationships from the inside out. Deal? Deal. Alright, I will talk to you next week. I hope you have a great week. Bye.

23:53

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.