00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 251, "Contention is a Choice." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

00:20

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. I'm so grateful to have you here. I appreciate getting to share information that has changed my life for the better. I went from a 24 year really difficult marriage in a lot of blame, a lot of shame, a lot of pride, in thinking that it was all him and it was a miserable place to be. And now I am in a place where I feel like I own so much my own crap. I'm married to a wonderful person and we work through this stuff together and it's just, it's a complete different experience than I ever, ever imagined was possible for me. So I just, I'm glad you're here and I hope that you're finding content here that is helping you to move into a better place as well. I just wanted to share with you before we started today a review that I just got from someone that I recently finished doing a 12-week coaching session with. Such an honor to be part of her journey. It was just a beautiful experience, but she says, "I have finished 12 weeks of coaching with Tanya, newly divorced and struggling after a 36 year marriage. I found Tanya's podcast and binge-listened, relating to so much of the content. I signed up for her 12 week course. Wow. I have learned so much about myself, my past self and looking forward to my future self. Tanya gave me the tools and push I needed to get unstuck and look at how I was showing up in my life. I would recommend her 12 week coaching, her master classes, and definitely her podcast. Have a notebook handy. You'll be taking notes." So great. Such an honor to work with her and be a part of her difficult journey. And she did an amazing job. So proud of the work that she has done.

02:16

And that's what coaching can do for us. Coaching is a brilliant, brilliant option. I would suggest, my friends, if you find content on here that is helpful to you, it's probably helpful to other people in your life as well. Think about people who can use this content to move into a better space and recommend the podcast. Send them podcast episodes and share this. I really, really believe that this can make a difference in our lives and help us show up better and love who we are and love other people better.

02:49

Alright, so today we're going to be talking about contention is a choice. So how to resolve conflict has come up with several of my clients. As of late, so it has really been on my mind. And then when President Nelson used the phrase "contention as a choice" in his general conference talk, I got a lot of buzzy and I was just like, "oh right, okay," so this is what I'm going to do my podcast on this week. So if you have not gone back and listened to all of my episodes, come on. Episode number three came out just over four years ago when I started this podcast. It's called "Resolving Conflict." I think it would be really insightful to touch base with that, to go back and listen to that podcast. There will be some overlap with ideas that I share today, but also you're going to experience in this podcast four years of growth, progression, understanding, dating, and a marriage in there. So also a different perspective in some ways on this. I'm understanding things at a deeper level. So that podcast number three, I would definitely recommend putting it on your listening list. Go back and touch base with those basic ideas and then combine it with this one. I think you'll have a great experience.

04:00

So I want to start today talking about the idea of conflict. I know that conflict generally has a negative connotation, but today I want you to open your mind a little bit and I want to reframe the idea of conflict in our minds. So I want us to look at conflict as being neutral, okay? Just two people having different ideas. You like red and I like blue. Alright. We're going to keep it super simple to start off with red and blue different ideas. So two people have different opinions. No biggie, right? From this place of conflict, though, remember conflict being neutral, just two different opinions, we have choices. We can choose to move either into contention or we can choose to move into connection. And it all starts with our thoughts. If our thoughts are fear-based, thoughts such as, "what if I'm wrong? My value is on the table here. I'm better when I'm right." Then we will start moving into contention. Fear leads to contention. Contention is the space where we don't make any space for the other person. We don't seek understanding. We don't seek to connect. We are so focused on ourselves and on our own insecurities that we don't take the time to try and understand the other person. Please connect with that idea. Fear has us focused on ourselves and on our own insecurities. And when we're in that space, it's really, really hard for us to try and understand the other person. We feel the need to push our opinion at all costs. And it's super easy for our brain to move into accusing and blaming because it doesn't like to take responsibility. And we figuratively start shooting arrows at the other person. And their natural reaction is to put up their walls, their defenses, and to start to shoot arrows back at us. At which point, our walls come up and we all go into full defensive mode. And then the contention has begun. Both of us standing our ground, believing we are right, or maybe more accurately, we're both afraid to be wrong and we're not willing to budge.

06:32

What is our natural response when we're in defensive protective mode? We shut down, we back off emotionally and or physically, we stop seeking to understand, we dig in our heels. Sometimes we dig in, even when we can see the flaws in our opinion because we're afraid of being wrong. And when both people are engaging this way, it's super easy to see why we hit an angry impasse. But remember, this contention is a fear-based response. We're afraid of what it will mean about us if we're wrong. We're afraid of not being seen or of not being heard. We're afraid of our value being in question, our intelligence being in question, our capability being in question. In this instance, fear is very often tapping into our own insecurities.

07:25

As I look back on my previous marriage, I can see this pattern so clearly. My insecurities were driving my fear, which was then driving my contentious behavior toward my husband. But as I've mentioned in other podcasts, the reason I wasn't seen or heard was because I wasn't standing up or speaking up. I was stuck in social conditioning that I needed to be sweet and submissive and accommodating at my own expense. So I don't really believe that anymore. Do I still want to be sweet and accommodating and kind and loving when I can? Absolutely. But never at my own expense or the expense of others. Okay. That was a bit of a a digression, but here we go. Let's head back.

08:14

So once we've started moving into these kinds of contentious behaviors, right? Like doing those things, they can become a go to for our primitive brain. They can become a habitual behavior. And then before we're even consciously aware, we can already be in full-circle in blaming and accusing, digging in our heels, backing off emotionally, creating a story in our brains, drama about how the other person is the enemy and we need to protect ourselves. And these contentions can be so difficult to dig ourselves out of because often, by the time we are consciously aware that we're in it, we're both in full protective mode. We're nursing our wounds and we are so angry that we can't see right. And then we feel stuck, and coming into a place of understanding just feels and it can sometimes be just so, so difficult. You're convinced that red is the only color in the world that matters. And I'm convinced that blue is the only one that matters. We both start getting so frustrated that the other person won't see things our way. And then we start to think that they're not respecting our color love, that they're not accepting us for who we are, and we feel threatened and we feel insecure. And then that frustration moves into anger and protection. And then we are in full contention.

09:43

But we do have another choice. We can move instead into connection. When we can start to see that our neutral conflict is an amazing opportunity for connection instead of contention, then things can really start to shift and change for us. Choosing to move into connection requires some forethought, especially when our move into contention is already embedded in our primitive brain, it's become habitual. But it is an absolute possibility. First, we need to notice our cues that there is conflict going on. What happens to your brain and your body when someone else has a different opinion? I used to notice that my chest and my neck would start getting hot and it would be, like, moving up to my face. My breathing would become more shallow, my chest would get this intense, buzzy feeling inside of it, and my brain would start to go into hyper mode, like, "I have to do something." I would start feeling this way. So notice that my body was gearing up for a fight, just with the idea that someone else had a different opinion of me. I was so insecure about being wrong, or even someone else thinking that I was wrong, and my primitive brain was moving to protect me.

11:04

Okay, can you see the fear response in that? So for me, when I became aware of all of this, I started to pay attention and notice those changes in my body and realize that it meant my brain was preparing to go into contention. And then over time, I have learned to intentionally switch gears to go into connection instead. I notice my body reactions. I recognize those as going into contention and I make an intentional choice to shift. Connection comes from a place of love, a place of love for me and a place of love for the other person, because when I love someone, I want to understand them. I want to show that I love them. In essence, I want to connect emotionally with them. So rather than defaulting to a fear response, I intentionally choose to go into a love-based response and this requires some prefrontal thinking. It may not happen for you all at once. You may start noticing it, first of all, in your result line after the fact when you go, "oh, look, I just totally went into contention." And then you just keep paying attention and keep paying attention and over time, you'll start noticing it in your action line. You'll notice it when you are in the act of being contentious. And then you keep paying attention and keep paying attention and keep circling back around. And pretty soon you'll start noticing it in your feeling line. You'll start noticing it when you feel that heat or, like for me, the heat in my chest and my neck and the buzz in my chest and all of that. Whatever it is for you, you'll start noticing it then in your feeling line. And then you keep paying attention and keep working, keep circling back around and eventually you'll start noticing it in your thought line.

13:01

So just a piece at a time. Be patient with yourself. But let's talk about what does love look like in the face of a conflict? First and foremost, it looks like seeking to understand. And we really do want to understand why the other person has the viewpoint they have, because that will help us to understand them better as a person. It will help us understand where they're coming from. This is where our curiosity comes into play. We end up saying things like, "huh, why do you like red so much? When did you first discover that red was your color? How does red make you feel when you wear it?" Like, there's thousands of questions we could ask. When I can understand all the things about them and their love for red, then I can better appreciate their opinion, their point of view. And here's the best part. I know them better. I understand them better than I did before. And I love people more when I know them better. The more I understand their point of view, the easier it is to respect it. That doesn't mean I have to agree and change my favorite color to red. But understanding that they love red because their grandma bought them a red shirt when they were seven, and it was their favorite shirt, and she died shortly after...that can help me understand why they love red so much and why they're so emotionally charged about red. I can still absolutely adore blue for me. I have my own reasons for loving blue and they are no less valid than their reasons for loving red. They're just different. Of course they're different. We're two different people. In fact, there are no two people who have ever lived on the earth who have the same viewpoints about everything.

14:59

When I taught eighth grade students, I used to tell them that every one of them was having a completely different experience right that second than everyone else in the classroom. Same thing here, right? Each one of my students was sitting in a different desk and was viewing me from a different angle. That alone is a different experience. And then each one of them was connecting and zoning out at different times. There's another way they're having a different experience. And when they were connecting and listening to what was saying, which probably wasn't as often as I would have liked, everything that they were hearing was being understood somewhat differently because of their unique experiences and knowledge about life and the background knowledge that they brought to the subject. It's a bit trippy when you think about it. Nobody has ever had even one experience that has been exactly like yours. Even listening to this podcast, same thing. Like all of you are hearing the exact same words, but you're understanding them completely different because of all these things at play.

16:11

So of course, everyone will have a different opinion and an idea about what's important and why. And that is not a problem. The problem occurs when we think that everyone should see the world from our perspective, that everyone should have the same opinions as us. Notice "should?" That gets us in trouble every single time. We should outlaw that word from the English language..we "should," right? We "should" outlaw. Very clever, right? Okay that's when it's a problem, because this is when we start moving into contention, frustration, and anger that they don't see the world like we do. This is the space where we start trying to control their viewpoint. Contention is about control. Let's be honest here.

17:00

Okay, when it's not a problem is when we expect and anticipate that there will be differences in viewpoints and that that is what makes people and relationships amazing. This is a space where we can make space for the incredible truth that everyone brings something valuable to the table, and knowing that when we recognize and see that value, we enlarge our our souls to grow in our capacity to love. When we can make the discovery of what's behind the opinions and ideas: our priority...then, my friend, we are onto something incredible. This is when moving into seeking to understand is easy and almost effortless because we expect different ideas and those ideas don't threaten our ideas. They don't make our ideas any less valid and a different opinion doesn't make us wrong or even less valuable. A different opinion says nothing about us. It's just a different opinion. It's somebody else's life experiences coming into play. When we can understand those experiences, we can start to appreciate and love them even more. We can begin to know them more deeply as a person. Our emotional intimacy can take root and start to grow. And this is what creates connection and appreciation for where they're coming from, for what they have been through, and for the processes that have brought them to their opinions. And it doesn't mean that we have to change our opinions.

18:40

Okay, so that's easy to see when I use the red and blue example. You like red, I like blue, no issues, okay? But life is generally much more complicated than different opinions on what the best color is. We might have different opinions on how to best support our struggling adult child. But the same principles apply. Our brain will often want to immediately go to the thought that they are being completely ridiculous and they don't have the foggiest idea of how to engage with the adult children. After all, I'm the one who's read all the books and I'm the one listening to podcasts. Right? That's where my brain wants to go, okay? We will think that they're doing it all wrong and can't figure out how they could think that what they're thinking could be a good idea. This is when going into curiosity, really seeking to understand, will be so valuable. Questions like, "tell me why you think that's the best option. Help me understand how you think they'll benefit from this." Let's ask questions that help them share where they're coming from. We will hear stories about how their parents parented, about how their friends' parents parented, about how they saw those things play out. That's what we're after here. We're here to understand why they're thinking the way that they think.

20:07

And remember, we're really seeking to understand. We're not gathering information so we can use it against them or back them into a corner or manipulate them or convince them that we're right. So often we see ourselves sitting on opposite sides of the table here working against each other to solve the problem. It's my idea versus your idea. What if we could both just scooch around the table, be on the same side, and tackle the problem together? It's us against the problem, not us against each other. And as we start working from a place of understanding each other, it's also important that we start working toward a space of collaboration rather than a space of compromise. Compromise comes inherent with the idea that somebody wins and somebody loses. Somebody gives up something so the other person can get what they want. It's a very one-up, one-down space. Collaboration on the other hand is a space where we're both getting what we ultimately want. We aren't looking at who is right, and instead we're working to understand what is right. Where is the best place for us to land on this issue? And here's a hint: it's not a space where either of us don't have a voice and we back down to keep the peace. If you want to check out more ideas about that, check out podcast number 204 called "Being a Peacemaker" for more information. In that one, I talk about the difference between being a peacemaker and a peacekeeper, it's so fascinating and so good.

21:50

Okay, back to this. So collaboration happens when both sides are understanding each other. Both sides are sharing their points of view and what they ultimately want. Collaboration is when we are working together to come up with the best solution for us both. And this applies whether it's a spouse or a partner or a child or a co-worker or a neighbor. Collaboration is born of understanding and overcoming our insecurities to look for what is right instead of who is right. We're willing to place our pride on the table to figure out what is right. Very often we will find that we both ultimately want the same thing, or at least something very similar. We just have different ways of getting there. We both want to have great relationships with our adult children where we engage and enjoy and are part of each other's lives, and where we we have an appropriate parent-child relationship at that stage. It's just that one of you thinks that watching the grandkids three nights a week is the way to accomplish that and the other thinks you accomplish that by watching them one night a month. When we come to understand, really understand, what the other person thinks and feels, then we can move into the collaboration, then we can really start to connect at a deeper level because we know each other more intimately.

23:23

And a fascinating thing about connection: we connect at a deeper level when we've had to work for it rather than when it comes super easy. So the challenges of sitting on the same side of the table and working a problem together and figuring out how to collaborate, those challenges create deeper connection: that moving into understanding, the struggle to really slow down and move into curiosity, really seeking to understand just for the purpose of understanding of knowing this person more intimately. This moves us into deeper connection. When we both just have the same ideas all the time, our relationship will tend to stay more surface because we don't have to ask the questions and hear their point of view and understand their reasons behind their opinions. And then we don't know them as well. We don't understand and appreciate their depth of conviction, the pain behind their choices, the insecurities that drive them. When we can create a safe space by moving into curiosity, when we can seek to understand, to see things from their point of view, then we can move into greater connection. And this doesn't mean that we have to change our point of view. It doesn't mean that our opinion doesn't matter. It just means that we see ourselves as being on the same team rather than being on opposing forces.

24:51

So contention is a choice and so is connection. We just get to learn to choose intentionally. I love growing up, don't you? Pretty amazing. This middle-aged gig. Love it. Love it. Love it so much. Okay, my friend, that is what I've got for you today. Good, good stuff. If this spoke to you, if someone came to your mind when you were listening to this, please share this. Please help other people find this content. It's been life-changing for me. And I share this with the hopes that it will be life changing for you and for others as well. Okay, that's going to do it. Have a really, really awesome week, my friends. I will see you next time. Bye.

25:44

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.