00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 233, "Having Tough Discussions." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Happy to have you here today. A couple of things before we get started. Thank you to those of you who have left me podcast reviews lately. I've gotten several of those in the last couple of months and I love them. They just make me feel like I'm doing some good work here and I know that I am, but it's nice to hear that these things are making a difference in your life as well. And also if you've not signed up for my "weekend win" email, that would be a great thing to do if you are interested in things such as the Mastermind groups, which are really just deep dive discussion groups that we have that I'm just starting and putting into my schedule. If you're interested in being a part of those, then that is going to be one of the first places that you're going to find out about those. So you would want to go to tanyahale.com, go to the "contact me" page and there's a place where you can enter your email and write me a question. But scroll down just a little bit and you'll see a place where you can sign up for the "weekend win." So sign up for that if you're interested and let's get moving. 

01:25 

Today we are talking about having tough discussions. So who here loves tough discussions? I want you to raise your hand. Hmm. I'm not seeing very many hands. It's shocker since this is a podcast, but I think most of us don't. Some of you might and kudos to you. I'm guessing that you were probably raised in a very different home than I was. Tough discussions were not a thing for my family in the 70s and the 80s or the 90s or the 2000s ,right in my, in fact, in my home. We just kept it 

superficial and we didn't have deep discussions at all. And I honestly never saw my parents fight, so I didn't really know that adults being married and having tough discussions was really a thing. I just thought you just got married and you got along and that was it. It's not crazy. I was woefully unprepared for the complexities of intimate relationships. Hence, in my first marriage, I didn't have many tough discussions and when we attempted them, they were generally pretty disastrous. And this is because neither of us knew how to communicate in ways that were effective and honest and kind and loving. Mostly we just held it in until we blew, and it was not a pretty blow. It was a blame fest, a "take no responsibility" fest. "You don't love me and if you did, you would..." fest. 

02:48 

It's interesting to me at this point that that when I got married, I was teaching at the MTC and I taught about how to resolve concerns. But I really struggled to apply those concepts to my own marriage and to situations outside of missionary work. It just seemed so clear to me that the problem was my husband. And we both brought emotional immaturity, dysfunctional behaviors to the marriage. And now I have tools that are allowing me to create a very different type of relationship. In fact, my husband and I are always like, "what is this? Who creates this?" And we're just like, "we do." It's kind of fun. 

03:34 

So one of the tools that I want to share with you is how to have the tough discussions and not have it turn into a bigger problem than when we started with, which always seemed to be the case in my previous marriage. Now, this isn't to say that you're both going to have the same opinion and that he will give into you and do what you want. It's also not to say that we should be expected to just give in and be completely submissive to what the other person wants. That's not the definition of a good relationship. That's more along the lines of a one-up, one-down relationship, which will never create the partnership that most of us want. So today I'm going to talk about five things that I use. And to be honest, I'm still learning to use that have helped me to step into having the tough discussions and not avoiding them as was my pattern of behavior in years past and in marriage past. And I will say that learning to have these discussions has increased the emotional intimacy and has helped us to step into more of a true partnership, something that I didn't even come close to in my previous marriage. And I'm also going to be using them in the context of a marriage relationship, these ideas. But these concepts are going to work in any relationship. Maybe a few adjustments with thoughts and ideas because I'm going to be talking about the marriage, but any relationship that is important to you will need to have tough discussions once in a while and these tools work for any of them. Also, even though I'm sharing five things, I want you to realize that these five things are not linear. It's not like do this first, then do this, then do this. These are all like mixed up in a jar altogether. They are layered on top of each other. We need to do them all simultaneously. Okay, so keep that in mind as we go through. And so these are not in order of importance. They're just in order of how they came to my brain. 

05:28 

So let's talk about them first. Honesty. We, my friends, have got to start stepping into honesty. I know that this has been a subtopic of so many podcasts lately, but the more I coach women and the more I coach women in divorce situations or thinking about divorce or whatever and even tough relationship issues, women who don't want to get divorced, the more I see that honesty is a huge stumbling block to achieving the kinds of relationships we really want. And generally, though we all think that we're pretty honest, we are not known for being honest. In fact, there's a lot of jokes about women not being honest, meaning we often don't really say what we mean to say. We want to beat around the bush. We want other people to guess what we're thinking. And unintentionally, we get a little passive-aggressive about it. A quintessential example of this is the woman being angry and her husband asks what's the matter, if she's okay, and she replies, "I'm fine." Okay, I refer to that as a four letter F-word. It wreaks a lot of havoc on relationships. She is not fine. There is something that is on her mind, something that needs to be addressed, but she would rather play the martyr than have the difficult discussion. This is not being honest. Okay, let's just be straight up. Let's just talk about it. We're not honest when we do that. We're not honest when we tell people that, yes, we would love to help with whatever, rather than being honest and saying no when we really don't want to. We're not honest when we don't tell people the whole truth about what's going on for us. We don't bring up topics. We don't bring up hurts. We don't share what's going on with us. We don't share what's going on with us in appropriate situations. Instead, we continue to pretend that nothing is wrong. We build up the resentment and we begin to destroy the relationship from the inside out. 

07:33 

And here is something else I want you to think about being honest about: all of the emotional effects of what we're going through. For example, say that your husband lied to you about something. At first, we may jump into being angry. And we're angry because we think he's deliberately sabotaging our relationship. We're angry because we think he should not be lying to us, that that goes against the promises we've made. Here we go, but we're also scared. We're scared because now we think that we don't know if we can trust him to be honest in the future and also because now so much of the past might also be up for consideration. And guess what? We're also hurt. We're hurt because we think he doesn't value the relationship enough to be honest with us. And we're also sad because we're thinking that we might not have created a space where he feels safe telling us the truth. We might also feel disconnected because we think we're not wanting the same thing in this relationship. Do you see how many different emotions can be in one circumstance? Honesty means stepping into all of these emotions and discussing all of these emotions rather than focusing on just one. I will tell you that this was kind of a new concept for me in some training that I've been doing. And in September, I had the opportunity to use this with someone in a tough discussion. And it was amazing to me how bringing out all the emotions really opened up the conversation. Because it was a situation similar to that one where I could have just been angry. But then I also was able, in talking to this person, was able to tap into all of these other emotions. And that was powerful. We're not just latching onto angry and blowing it into something huge. We are owning the whole gamut of emotions that, in that situation that I, the example that I gave you, that the lie would open up, we're stepping into the vulnerability of being honest about all the feelings that we're having. Because it's not just anger. There's also sadness and there's fear and there's disconnected. I mean, all of these things. I can see where angry can be our go-to, because it feels very powerful, especially in a situation where we may feel powerless. But learning to really be honest about what we're thinking about, what we're feeling about, what we need and what we want really is the first step to having productive, tough discussions. Vulnerability has to be a thing. We've got to do it. Okay. It's one of those big things. So if you're like, "hmm, that's kind of interesting." And if you're kind of new here, go back to a podcast number 218 called "Honest Relationships." That's going to dig a little bit deeper into this concept. 

10:43 

Okay. Second on the list. Remember not linear. Just second on the list. Step into an equal partnership and speak up for what we want. Again, we've talked about this, but learning how to be honest about what we're feeling about. Stop one-upping and one-downing in our relationships is vital to being able to discuss difficult topics. An equal partnership means that neither of you is stepping into a parental role where the other one needs to ask permission. Let me give you an example of how deeply ingrained this kind of behavior can be. I've done this work for a while and I feel like I do pretty good. But just the other night my husband and I were out and as we were leaving the venue I said, "can we stop at the bathrooms on the way out?" Honestly, like it just came out. I wasn't even thinking about it. Why would I ask him for permission to use the bathroom? I immediately realized how I had asked and I looked at him and he kind of looked at me like, "really, you're going to ask me for permission." And I was like, okay, let me circle back around. And I said, "okay, I'm going to stop at the bathroom on the way out." Right, you may be thinking that this is ridiculous, but let me assure you, there is a huge difference. Just the phrasing of that was putting myself in a one-down position, asking for permission. And it really does matter how we phrase these things because our brains pick up on these cues that we give it. He should not have to ask for permission to go do something with a friend, and neither should I. We're both adults and we can choose for ourselves how we want to use our time. This is the "asking for what we want" part. The equal partnership part comes in when we realize that we are working together to create a relationship, and this doesn't mean asking permission, but rather checking in to see if schedules align, and if there are any concerns about the plans we want to make. That would sound something like, "I'm planning on going to a movie Thursday night with my friends, how does that work for your schedule?" We are working to create an alliance here, not to sovereign nations who are towing the boundaries. We absolutely get to speak up for what we want, and also we absolutely get to consider what is best for the relationship as well. But an equal partnership will not be achieved if one of the people in the relationship sees themselves as above or below the other. 

13:26 

And I will tell you in my past relationship, there were times that I was so self-righteous, I absolutely saw myself in a one-up position, and there were times that I was so submissive that I saw myself in a one-down position. Neither is healthy. We have to be equal partnerships. Know what you want in life, and know that you have every right to go for it. We don't need our husband's permission to go back to school, to take a class, to hire a coach. We may check the partnership to see if it aligns with our combined goals. We may trust their opinion and want to discuss the pros and cons, but putting ourselves in a place where we think we need to ask permission, that's an automatic parent-child relationship, not a spousal relationship, and it will wreak havoc in every aspect of your relationship, to include your sexual relationship, if this is a marriage, right? Because parents and children don't engage in that kind of a relationship and if that's how we're responding most of the time, no wonder there's a struggle in that area. Equal partners both have a voice, both get to work toward what they want both individually and as a partnership, not in a selfish "I don't care about you" sort of way, but in a way that says "I'm an adult and I get to make intelligent decisions for me. And I care about doing it in the context of our partnership." Okay. So important. So, um, check out podcast number 216 called "One-up and One-down Relationships," if you want to dig into that one, a little bit deeper, such an important concept. 

15:14 

Okay. Third on my list, it is so important that we combine our honesty and our equal partnership mindset with kindness. Because first, there really isn't any reason to be unkind, and attacking, blaming, accusing all increase the chances that the other person will feel defensive. And that's the opposite of what we're going for when we step into a tough discussion. Okay. And second of all, these are some of our favorite people in our lives. Most likely these kind of tough discussions happen in those relationships. And I know we can get lazy and we can forget to treat this person. We see every day of our lives as someone special, but they are the most important people to treat with kindness because these are the most important relationships in our lives. We don't have to come in with guns blazing when we need to have a tough discussion. In fact, that will make the tough discussion not only more difficult, but most likely kind of impossible where we end up with a bigger problem than we started with. But we can absolutely have an honest conversation built on kindness. We can extend empathy. We can let them know that we're aware they would not do things on purpose to hurt us. This is like extending grace ahead of time. When we can take fault off the table and instead start looking for solutions, this is an amazing way to show up the loving person we really want to be. When we start throwing around fault, it gets super messy really quickly. When we can approach a situation looking for solutions, it will change the whole tone of the discussion. 

16:58 

Okay. Fourth, we've got to own our own when we bring up difficult topics. Again, step back from the blaming and step into honesty about how we're showing up. I know that I've used this phrase "owning your own" a lot lately, but in case you are a little unclear, this is what it is. Owning your own says "when (name the circumstance), I feel (name your emotion), because I'm thinking (name your thought). Let me give you an example of what this would sound like: "when you are on your phone during dinner, I feel disconnected because I'm thinking you're not interested in me or in connecting with me." Okay. That's called owning your own. We're not blaming. We're not accusing. The reason this is so effective is because it has us taking responsibility for our experience. And to be able to name our thought and our feeling we also have to have spent some time processing and being self-reflective. 

18:04 

And this can be hard sometimes. The other day I was discussing something with my husband and was struggling to really name my emotions, and lucky for me he jumped in and said "so what I hear you saying is that when this happens you feel disconnected from me." Okay, is this guy a Jim? So good and I was able to say "yes, thank you. I feel disconnected because I'm thinking..." and it was such a such a good thing that he was able to help me out with that and help keep me on the track of of discussing things in the way that I want to. Also when we can move into a space where we see these types of discussions as maintenance as the business part of our relationships, then we can relax our grip on all of the underlying emotions. Okay, every relationship has a business part and a personal part. A personal part where we love and we are empathetic and we're kind and we do all this, you know. And then there's a business part, which is just all the stuff the maintenance that needs to happen. Okay, so owning our own goes right along with being honest and seeing ourselves as equals and and it helps to keep the relationship healthy. It's the maintenance. It's the business part. Okay? Because of course we have a right to voice our concerns and our opinions, but let's do it from an emotionally mature place where we discuss the business part from a place of figuring out the solution. Owning our own is such a valuable tool to being able to be honest, to being able to make requests to do it in a way that isn't patronizing or accusatory or dismissive. 

19:55 

Alright, and the last thing on my list, remember that this whole show is not about us. We are only seeing the situation from one side and there are a host of other ways to look at it. Remember that little picture of the elephant and people with blindfolds on are all touching different parts of the elephant and they're all describing something completely different? It's all part of the same whole, but they're all seeing a different part. This is what we do in these situations that we need to discuss sometimes. So, as the other person asks the other person what they are seeing that you aren't, ask them how the experience felt for them. Ask them what their thoughts are on the situation. Ask them where you are off on your understanding. When we can really understand that we don't understand, that we see things with all sorts of biases that have come from our unique experiences in life, that what works for us doesn't work for everyone, even our nearest and dearest. When we really can accept that in most things there isn't a right or a wrong, just a different way of approaching situations and different paths for moving forward, then we can let go of feeling threatened by other ideas and points of view. 

21:17 

It doesn't mean anything about our intelligence or anything about our worth, it's just a different point of view. And then we can step into embracing that other people may have much better ideas than us, or that our combined ideas and brains will come up with a synergistic solution that is way better than either of our individual ideas, and we can move forward on resolving these concerns. When we remember that we are in this together, we are here to create an alliance, a partnership, where we work together, where we enhance and support each other, where we truly want to know them and be known by them, this is when we can more easily step into really wanting to understand their point of view. We can more easily ask them what we're missing and be open to hearing what they have to hear. And we aren't asking just because it's on this list. We're asking because we really do desire to partner up, to work together, and find the best solution. We really want to understand them, to know them at a deeper level. We put "being right" completely out of the picture and we seek instead for the best solution. 

22:38 

Okay, so five things that you can do to show up for those tough discussions the way you really want to as a loving and kind person who knows what she wants to wants, who is honest, who truly wants to understand and find the best solution, who takes responsibility. This absolutely takes a lot more thought and self-reflection to show up this way. But that is the beauty of relationships. That's why we engage in relationships. They push us to become better versions of ourselves. They show us our blind spots. And growing into the emotional maturity to be able to have tough discussions in healthy ways, this is a priceless skill and a gift for ourselves and the people that we love. These tools work. I use them and I teach them to my clients, and we are seeing amazing results. We are creating the kinds of relationships that we really want to have. Emotional maturity is one of the incredible perks of growing up into middle age. If we're willing to be self-reflective and do the work, we have enough wisdom at this time to start putting these pieces together. I encourage you: courage up and do it. It is so worth the work and it's hard work. I have several clients right now who every week they get on they're like, "oh this is hard." I'm like, "I know. I know. I've been through it and I'm still doing it." It's hard work, but so worth it as we can start creating the kinds of lives and the kind of relationships that we really want. 

24:24 

Okay, my friends, if you want some help with this, this is what I do. I coach one-on-one right now and I love the one-on-one option because I feel like you get the attention that's really going to help you focus in on your specific circumstances and what you do. One-on-one coaching is really a great blessing, and because of that I can be a lot more flexible with my schedule. So though you would generally have the same day and time every week for 12 weeks, this gives us the flexibility for when things come up and they do. So generally my one-on-one coaching clients see a lot of great progress in how they view the world and in how they interact and understanding themselves better. Such a brilliant, brilliant process. I love coaching so much. 

25:17 

In fact, I just wrote a coach that I worked with a few years ago. She was somebody I was working with not because I was going through a tough situation, but just because I felt like I needed a coach. I just wanted to work through my day-to-day stuff, and there were two things specifically that she and I talked about and discovered that shifted the trajectory of my life literally. And one was a thought that I was just like, "listen, I'm not a risk taker." And she's like, "that's just a thought." And she called me on it and we talked about it and it shifted everything for me. It shifted my business and what I was choosing to do and engage in my business. It shifted my desire to start looking for someone to marry. I was very happily single at the time and how I approached that with my 90-day relationships was 100% because I had moved into a space where I was like, "listen, I am a risk taker." So we don't just always need coaching because we're struggling with something specific. A lot of times we just need coaching to help us see things that we're not seeing and to help shift our viewpoints and our ideas and to help us just step into it. And to do something better, more the kind of experience that we really want to have. Okay, it's going to do it for me today. Have an awesome, awesome week and I will see you next time. Bye. 

26:52 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.