00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 232, "Feeling Empowered." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Happy to have you here with me today. Hey, couple of things. First of all, Masterminds are going great. I think I'm going to start two more in January. These two will finish in December and I want to start two more. If you have ideas of what you would like a master class in that you would like to join, you can go to my website, tanyahale.com. There's a "contact me" page and you can write me a little note there and let me know, give me some ideas. Also, if you scroll down a little bit more on that page, there is a place where you can sign up for my "weekend win" email. So here's two things coming up. If you're interested in a Mastermind, that's where you're going to find out about it first. I will announce it on here, but it will be put out probably on an email before here. So if you want to find out about those, make sure that you are signed up for my "weekend win" email also. Probably this next Friday. The weekend when it comes out, I'm going to be putting my end of year review on there. And there are two things this time of year that I get a lot of requests for in my life. And one is my end of year review because I promise it is so cool to work through that process and see all the things that you accomplished in the year. And it really makes it clear where you may want to put some more focus for the upcoming year. You may not be a "set goals at the beginning of the year" kind of person. That's fine. But it still is just a really, really great tool to kind of see your life a year in review and see what's going on. And it gives me a much clearer focus of what I want to accomplish. And the other thing that I get a lot of requests for is my hot cocoa recipe. I am not a Stephens or Swiss Miss-y kind of person. I make it from scratch and it's delicious. So on the "weekend win" this week. I'm going to be giving you my hot cocoa and whipped cream recipe, and also the end of year review. So I just think that'll be fun because who doesn't love a really yummy cup of hot cocoa this time of year? I adore hot cocoa. I could probably live off of that. That's, like, one of my favorite drinks. I drink that and water pretty much exclusively. 

02:42 

So okay, that being said, we're going to jump in today. Today we are talking about feeling empowered. So I don't know about you, but one of the feelings I dislike the most in life is feeling disempowered because it leaves me feeling scared, if I'm gonna be honest, and not the good kind of vulnerable. Makes me feel vulnerable, but not the good kind. It makes me feel as though I'm not in control of my life, which I can assure you, I really like to feel in control of my life and what's going on. And I will say, probably the most disempowered time in my life was my previous marriage, because during that time, I thought it was my responsibility to acquiesce to what my husband wanted, and to not voice my opinion, as though he were in control of my life rather than me. Okay, remember, then, this wasn't him, but this was the social and cultural conditioning that was so strong for me. And it led me to believe that to be a good person, a good Christian, a good member of the church, that I was the keeper of all the peace, and needed to do all within my power to keep contention from brewing. Now, I don't remember this being taught outright, for the most part, but that was the role of women that I saw played out all around me in real life, in movies, in TV shows, and in the books I read. If you're from the 70s and 80s like me, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And because of all this, I didn't speak up in the way I really wanted to in my previous marriage, which left me disempowered, not getting what I wanted and needed much of the time. 

04:18 

So there is another way that many of us become disempowered, and that is through our beliefs about how life plays out and how we think about things and how our brain does things. Many of us grow up believing that our brain just thinks things and those thoughts must be true. We never question them. When our brain says that something is too difficult for us, we just tend to believe it. When our brain says that someone doesn't like us, we start looking for evidence. When our brain says that it would be too risky to engage in some activity, we just go along. We aren't in the habit of questioning our brain. To the contrary, we actually don't grow up learning to question our thinking much at all. We just let our brain do its thing and just go along with it. And all of this can make us feel very disempowered. And we can start to believe that things are too difficult for us when they're really not. But our primitive brain is doing an amazing job at what it does really well: keeping us from feeling pain and discomfort right now. 

05:21 

If you remember, our primitive brain doesn't think very well into the future at all to think about the discomfort that will exist there because of our actions now. So we don't engage in something now because we think it will be too hard. Because our brain just wants it to be easier to day right now this second. And then days, weeks, months, even years later we look back with regret that we didn't do the thing earlier that would have been difficult. We end up listening to our brain that just wants to put an end to the discomfort right now. Our brain also likes to tell us that how we interact within our relationships is just how it is. And we don't question that either. We may look at the relationship with our spouse and notice dysfunctional patterns of interacting, but not see any way out of it. Disempowered, right? We may see the struggle we have with our children and figure that's just how it is and that we can't figure it out. Disempowered. We may just accept the fact that we don't have confidence in ourselves and therefore we just have to accept our lot in life. Disempowered. Right, there are so many ways that our brain disempowers us and we haven't learned how to question it yet. But it's disempowering us with thoughts, not with facts. One of the amazing things about coaching that I love so much is that it has taught me to question my thoughts about everything. And in the questioning and the adjusting, I have become empowered. 

06:52 

So with permission, I'm going to share a Thanksgiving experience of one of my clients. So in preparation for Thanksgiving, she was feeling some anxiety, thinking of all the things, mostly because she had so many expectations of how a good Thanksgiving should be and how she and her family should show up at the big family dinner and that she should be able to control all of these things going on. She felt she had to manage the interaction between her older children and her husband and she knew it would be tense because then she would be caught in the middle and she felt uptight about how she would feel put on the spot in front of her extended family when her husband would want to do something and she or her children wouldn't want to. It wasn't even Thanksgiving and she was already feeling a lot of discomfort and a lot of disempowerment because of her anticipation of how things would play out. She just was like, "oh, it's just gonna happen. I'm not gonna be able to control it," right? So we worked through her thoughts and her expectations of others and herself. We discussed how she could step out of trying to control how her husband and children showed up which I can assure you she was like, "oh, wait, I'm trying to control people." She hadn't seen that fully yet either. 

08:01 

We also talked about how she could step out of being in the middle of their relationship and let them manage it themselves. She didn't even need to be the referee there. Another thing that she was like, "oh my gosh, I didn't realize that that was happening, that I was doing that, that it's not my job to be there." So by the end of our call, she was feeling pretty good about what we had talked about and she decided that she would show up to Thanksgiving with her family believing that she could be calm and not get worked up by all those things. She could stay in her lane and not get caught up in trying to control everyone else's feelings and relationships and their experience, but just focus on controlling how she showed up. So question, how did it work for her? Well, in her own words, she said, "coaching is magic." And I just was laughing. I love that she said that she showed up with a green bean casserole, some mashed potatoes. and a small side of calm. She managed her thoughts. She let her husband and her kids manage their own relationship. She showed up the way she wanted to for the people that she loves the most. And she was so proud of herself and had such a great, wonderful day. And the icing on the cake for her was that the next day, her mother even told her that this Thanksgiving was the best and the most calm that she remembered. And guess what? Mother knew nothing about the small side dish of calm that had been placed on the table. 

09:28 

So as my client shared her experience with me, we talked about how empowered she felt to be able to show up the way that she wanted and how that impacted everyone's experience and not just hers. And how she showed up had absolutely nothing to do with how anyone else showed up. And she has decided that coaching is magic. And of course, I love that part and I believe it because I've experienced that myself. Helping my clients to transform how they show up, how they feel and what they experience is one of the most satisfying and amazing parts of what I do. It's incredibly empowering when we stop thinking that other people make us mad or sad or glad because if they can make us have those feelings, we don't have any control. When we really come to realize that we have far more control than we might have thought, it is incredibly empowering. It's such a clean internal feeling of empowerment. We're not in a power place when we are controlling other people and all the circumstances. We're full of power from the inside, from the ability that we have to show up the way we want and to create what we want to. 

10:44 

And the thing is, we don't have any control over how anyone else shows up in life. We don't have control over the weather or the discussion over the Thanksgiving table. We don't have control over other people's relationships. We don't have control over whether other people have fun or enjoy themselves. We don't have control over whether Christmas is magical or not. We do have control over us, our thoughts, and feelings, and actions. We do have control of whether we stand up and are seen and speak up and are heard. Feeling empowered is about us taking responsibility for us. It's about no longer blaming other people for our anxiety, our frustration, our anger or our insecurity. Now could there be some extenuating circumstances to this? Most likely, but I'm not talking here about trauma-based responses that need more thorough medical intervention. This, what I'm talking about is about our normal everyday circumstances and responses. 

11:49 

So the other piece of feeling empowered is when we learn to stand up and be seen and to speak up and to be heard, to have our own backs. To really step into the truth of who we are and what we want. To show up honestly and unashamed. Now, to be clear, this doesn't mean that we walk into the room with guns blazing, demanding everything that we want. We're going to find ourselves very disempowered because people will shut down and stop engaging with us. This means that we really own our own. You're familiar with that phrase, right? That we own, that the experience is ours. We own our thoughts and feelings about it. We don't blame or accuse other people. When I can share my thoughts and feelings and ideas and do it from a compassionate and loving place and deliver it in a way that respects other people's thoughts and feelings and ideas, then I am also empowered. I'm empowered to show up as me, and that always feels amazing. 

12:54 

So another client I work with was telling me that her mother had said some things over Thanksgiving that made her super uncomfortable, but she didn't say anything. And then she was like ruminating about it a lot. Because then she felt really disempowered because she didn't voice her ideas, her opinions, that were different than her mom's. But she was caught because she was like, "I just wasn't sure how to do it. And how to not show up in an attacking, combative way. My mom has a lot going on. I don't want her to feel like she's not supported and loved and all this stuff." So obviously, we don't want to start a family fight over Thanksgiving dinner. But when we really want to share an opinion that may differ from someone else's and we don't, then we feel very disempowered. So the question is, how do we engage in the conversation? How do we speak our opinions and share our ideas? And not start World War III? So I'm gonna give you what I think works. I'm sure there's lots of other ways, but here's some more. something that I found really works for me. 

13:57 

One of the best ways is to start to step into curiosity. Okay, so first, start asking questions about the other person's point of view in an effort to really understand them. So remember the who, what, when, where, why and how question stems from school. Put them into action here. Let's say, heaven forbid, that someone at your table expresses a different political opinion than you. Step into honest curiosity rather than blasting them, telling them they're wrong or jumping right into your opinion and why you're right. Step into curiosity. Ask them questions about their point of view. Careful here though, not with an effort to discredit them or to show them flaws in their thinking, but ask them questions with a real honest effort to understand them, not to agree with them, but just to understand them. Then when you feel you understand their point of view, you understand better where they're coming from, then you can share some of your ideas as well. And here's the thing, delivery is important. So we can really learn to soften our approach, our delivery, so that it creates a conversation and connection rather than contention. So if you remember in the past, we've talked about how conflict is neutral. It's just two people having two different ideas. Think Thanksgiving, dinner, political conversation, right? And that we can turn it into either contention or connection. So here's a chance to actually make a connection rather than a contention. So first, don't use the word "but," rather use the word "and." We can say something like, "that's an interesting idea. And I wonder about this other concept and how it fits into that." Or we can say something like, "oh, I see where you're coming from, and I feel this other concept is really important as well. I haven't figured out yet, how they work together." And cleaning up our "why" behind our sharing is important as well. We aren't sharing to convince or change minds, but rather to explore and understand and expand the ideas. 

16:23 

So learning to soften our delivery and still share our thoughts and opinions is a great way to feel empowered. We don't feel internally empowered when we start fights and contention. We do feel internally empowered when we can share our ideas and start a meaningful conversation or engage in a meaningful conversation. These types of discussions really aren't about who is right and who is wrong because ultimately, how do we know? People will turn around to scriptures and quotes from the prophet and I can promise you for almost every scripture and quote there is another one somewhere that contradicts it, 

and that's because everything is context dependent. What's the context in which that information was delivered? And it's not just context as in circumstance dependent, but it's also person dependent. Every person will see the world differently because of the experiences in their life that have helped to create their point of view. So what feels and seems right to one person may with all reason seem completely wrong to another person and it very well may be. A person who grew up on a cattle farm will likely have very different ideas about what a healthy diet is than someone who grew up with vegan parents in the big city. Are either of them right or wrong? I'm gonna say probably not on that one, but each person will see their point of view from their experience and what is normal to them. And this will put each person in their own camp that they feel is right for them. And that doesn't mean that the other person is wrong. But learning to share our voice in a way that allows for this exploration and for greater understanding and for expanding our ideas, this is empowering. Allowing other people to have their own path and their own ideas and not have to prove them wrong, that is empowering. If how we approach sharing turns everybody off and creates defensiveness and resistance, that does not feel empowering. 

18:39 

So another way to feel empowered is by really liking our reasons for doing what we do. When we are engaging in people pleasing, it's almost impossible to feel empowered. When we are trying to control the feelings or the behaviors of others, we cannot feel empowered. When we are getting in other people's lanes, we will not be empowered. And so often our reasons for doing these things are to people please, to control others or to try to "influence" other people. I'm putting an influence in some air quotes there, right? When our reason for showing up to the family Christmas party is because we love our parents and we want to support them, that's empowering. When we show up because we're afraid they'll be hurt and offended, then we feel disempowered. Right? This people pleasing thing that we talked about last week, when we go to church because we're worried what people will think if we don't show up, we're being disempowered. When we go because we choose to engage with God in that space, then we're empowered. When we watch our grandkids because we want to and not because we'll feel guilty if we don't, then we feel empowered. Watching them because we'll feel guilty strips us of our feeling of empowerment because our reason for doing it isn't because we want to and we choose to, it's to avoid the negative criticism and emotion in others. Which then creates more negative emotion when we start to resent having little amazing people under our feet when we had other things we wanted to do, and then we feel guilty for the resentment. 

20:23 

Okay, so then we start just doubling down on our difficult emotions, right? So I feel guilty and then I feel frustrated or resentment and then I feel guilty like I'm just layering on the difficult emotions. But here's the deal, when we like our reasons, we will have our own back. We talked about this in in the decision-making podcast just a few weeks ago. We will have our own back. We will support our own decisions. We won't keep waffling and looking back over our shoulder and second guessing. All these things are disempowering. Okay, keep that in mind. 

20:58 

One last way I'd like to talk to you about how to feel empowered is by getting rid of the villain in your story. When we are constantly blaming someone else for all of our problems, we are making the other person the villain in our story. And guess what? Every good villain has a victim that they traumatize. So instead, when we can learn to get rid of the villain and focus on taking responsibility for what is happening in our lives, then the villain disappears, as does the victim...which is us, if we have a villain, then we can become the hero of our own story. This is something that I really get to support my divorce clients in: moving their ex out of their story. Stop making him a villain and you stop being a victim, and then you can be empowered to create the life that you want. You become the hero of your own story. You may not be divorced, but check to see if there is someone you are blaming for difficulties in your life. It could be your mother, a sister, or brother, a neighbor, Bishop, a friend, an adult child, you name it, right, co -worker. When someone asks you how life is and you go into a rant about what this other person is doing and how it's affecting you, you are disempowering yourself through victimization. 

22:21 

Now that is not to say that we don't have people and circumstances in our lives that are challenging. We all absolutely do. But when we make their behaviors, rather than our solutions, the main character in our story, we are stripping ourselves of power. Liking our reasons, having our back, being 100% all in, this is empowering. Being heard and seen and delivering it in a beautiful, compassionate, curious way...it's empowering. Creating and choosing the thoughts that serve us rather than believing any crazy thought that pops into our head. Empowering. Dropping the victim mentality by taking responsibility instead of blaming. Empowering. Empowerment, my friends, is created by us. It is never given to us. Our ability to create change, to create the lives we want, always comes from within, not from without. I think that my space of becoming empowered in this stage of my life is one of the best parts about growing up. I feel more empowered now than I ever have. I think the 50s are like the decade of the gods. I'm just going to say I love my 50s so much and I love growing up. And I'm so glad that you are joining me on this journey of growing up into middle age and creating the lives that we want to create, and stepping into this emotional maturity that changes our lives. 

24:08 

This is what it's about my friends. Share this podcast if it's helping you. Thank you for joining me. Just so happy to have you here and it is December. Can you believe it? We are starting the last month of the year. And so, again, just want to remind you if you have not signed up for my "weekend win" email and you want that end of year review and my hot cocoa recipe that's brilliant and yummy and amazing, get on there and do it today because the "weekend win" comes out generally on Fridays. Not always. Sometimes I don't get it up right on time, but generally on Fridays. So I will do my best this week. Have an awesome, awesome week my friends. Thanks for joining me. And I wish you all the best and I'll see you next week. Bye. 

24:53 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.