00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 227, "Feeling Obligated." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. So happy to have you here with me. We're going to jump in today but first I want to just talk about my two Mastermind classes that I have going on. They both start on November 15th. I have one called "Let's Talk About Love" where we are going to just spend six weeks diving deep into love. What it is, what it looks like, how do we clean it up, what do we do it when it's hard, how do we love ourselves more, all the good stuff. And I love Masterminds for the opportunity that we have to discuss and ask questions and I get to share ideas and you get to share ideas and we just get to build our concept and our ideas and our understanding in such a great, great way. So if you would like to join me for that one or my other one which is "When You're Considering Divorce." So if you or someone you know is considering divorce and you just want to work through some of the issues and gain more clarity on "how do I know whether it's the right choice, how do I collect the clean data that I need to get?" and discuss things on a more individual level, this would be a great place to do this. This one also is on Tuesday and starts on November 15th. So if you're interested in either of those, you can go to my website, tanyahale.com. On the top there is a Mastermind tab. You can click there and it will give you all the information that you need, and you can sign up there, which is a great and wonderful option. I would love, love, love to have you join me. I just think they're gonna be really fun. I'm just really looking forward to digging a little bit deeper into these concepts with some of y'all. So I wouldn't wait too long. The classes are both limited to eight participants plus me. I want to keep it small enough that that nobody gets lost in the process. So if you're interested, go to my website and get signed up for that. 

02:27 

So let's jump into today's podcast, "Feeling Obligated." So I recently heard someone telling a story about one of her older sons and how they were explaining to him that it was his obligation to be a good example for his younger brother. And I cringed a little bit. Okay, so I cringed a lot bit. But I didn't cringe because I don't understand the impact that a big brother can have on a little one. In fact, I think big brothers have a huge impact on your siblings. I think all of us have the opportunity to have an impact in the world for good or for bad. My struggle is with the word "obligation" when used in context of relationships. In my mind, it's just so heavy and actually works against developing the kind of relationship that we want. And I think it feels heavy because for me, it carries with it these ideas that we have to do something against our will and that we can somehow control how other people feel or how other people see us. 

03:28 

So let's dig into this a little bit and talk about why where my thoughts go on this. So obligation to me seems to say that we have to do something against our will or we should be doing something. At least that's the connotation that I go most frequently in my own mind. So when I looked it up in the dictionary, it didn't sound near as ominous as it does in my brain. However, it does say this, "something one is bound to do a duty or responsibility." But I guess the reason the word obligation rubs me wrong is because of two words in there, "bound" and "duty." "Bound" makes it sound as though it is something done against our will and "duty" makes it sound as though it's just a chore, something that I have to do. And I know that when I do things against my will or because I have to do them, it feels horrible. And I show up with a bad attitude and I'm grumpy with an undercurrent of anger. And I'm very likely to begin creating resentment, which pushes love out of my heart. So I don't know anyone, not even a toddler who likes being told what to do. And when someone suggests that something is an obligation in a relationship, something I should be doing, I feel resistance and I know I'm not alone in that. When I feel that something is an obligation, I can start to see that my reasons for doing what I'm doing are not clean. Meaning, I'm not doing the thing from a clean space, from clean love and intention. We've talked before about clean love. Okay? So this looks like a very fear-based response rather than a love-based response. 

05:18 

We're going to talk about this a little bit more. Okay? We might fear other people's judgment, what they will think of us if we do or don't do the thing. And it can look like overthinking of what other people are thinking of us, which puts us in a people pleasing camp. It can also look like a space that struggles to say "no" even when it is in our best interest. In essence, we are lying about what we really want in order to make other people feel better or to try to make them think better of us. When we move into people pleasing, we very often do things at our own expense. What that means is that we might fear the repercussions if we don't do it. So we do it even when we don't want to and it fills out of alignment with ourselves. So even though it may work against us and may not be a good choice for us for whatever reason, we will still agree to doing it. And this compliance out of fear leads us to show up in ways we don't often love. For example, we might throw in some passive aggressive statements. We might tend toward manipulation or we might engage in some digging sarcasm, which can have the other person showing up in obligation in response to ours, which then just doubled the problem. 

06:36 

Okay, when we do things from a fear-based place, we are running in protective mode and that can have us showing up with blame and accusation, with shame or with an undercurrent of anger and frustration that makes us irritable. And we might be thinking, "but at least I'm getting this stuff done. At least they're not uncomfortable or unhappy or angry and I'm keeping the peace." Well, okay, yeah, I can agree with that. But what is the cost of getting it done if we damage the relationship along the way? What is the cost of managing their emotions and keeping the peace if we end up angry and resentful? Because the reality is there is no intimacy in a relationship if it is living off of obligation. Okay, let me say that one more time because that's important. There is no intimacy in a relationship if it is living off of obligation. Take a marriage. If you or your spouse is showing up in obligation, whether it be doing the household chores, how you show up sexually or emotionally, this is not a space of intimacy because of the undercurrent of resentment that is also showing up. This "have to" and "should" mentality shows up with a heaping side of resentment. We can also add to fear of doing things out of guilt or shame. These uncomfortable feelings and the attempt to avoid them will have us showing up bound by our obligation. And these can be just as dangerous reasons for doing things for the same reasons previously mentioned. 

08:25 

And to add to this, the resentment isn't just our problem. There is an undercurrent to our behaviors that doesn't sit right with the other person because it is bound to show up in subtle words, in the tone of our voice, in the rolling of an eye, in a sigh, in an emotional disengagement. Doing things out of obligation is a relationship killer at every level because of the resentment that is a natural byproduct. When I feel I am bound, when it's my duty, my obligation to perform any task, protective walls come up and connection is no longer possible. Part of the problem for women is that this obligation is built into our cultural and societal beliefs. For example, many women from our generation and before were taught that we were never to say "no" to our husbands when they wanted sex because it was our duty as a wife to do that whenever he wanted. Or we were told by young men that them taking us out on a date and spending money meant that we were obligated to kiss them at the very least. We were often taught that if we didn't want our husbands to have an affair that we were obligated to keep them happy at home. I know women whose straying husbands told them that it was their fault they got involved with another woman because they were putting out enough at home. There were comments made that implied that if we weren't willing to give up our entire lives in the service of others that we weren't doing what God created us to do. Or that if we said no to a request for help that we were mean and uncompassionate and selfish. 

10:16 

And then there has been the idea woven into so much of our culture that women are less than men, that it is our job to serve them and help them succeed and also to help our children succeed while sacrificing ourselves in that endeavor. Case in point, women who dropped out of school to help their husbands get through work, through school. What about the obligation to always say "yes" to the request to serve in a calling at church? The idea that we're not obedient or faithful if we don't say "yes" has many a person accepting a church calling out of obligation and then either not doing the calling at all or doing it in a disengaged manner in which then we get to like do an extra heaping serving of guilt on top of that, right? The obligation to serve is huge for women. And I would dare say it's probably just as big for men but I don't know that side so much because I'm a woman, right? So men fill in all your own expectations there. But these societal expectations have taught many of us that it is our responsibility as women to be in charge of all the house cleaning and the bulk of nurturing the children, that we sacrifice our entire lives so that others can have an easier life experience. I felt a lot of responsibility as a woman in my previous marriage to be the keeper of the peace. If there was contention, I should have kept it from happening. I shouldn't have brought up that issue because now it's a big fight. Right? I should have been kinder, more compassionate, more submissive and just let him have his way so that there wasn't any fighting. 

11:57 

So to be clear, this was not expressly stated by my ex-husband, but rather it was the societal expectations that I felt of how I should be behaving and what it was my responsibility to do. But what did all of this peacekeeping give me? It just gave me a whole lot of resentment in my heart. And when resentment moves in, love moves out. And before you know it, there is so much resentment in the heart that there is no longer room for love. Obligation in relationships is a horrible thing because when we're not engaging because we want to, it's just actions with no heart. It's an empty, vain repetition. We are going through the motions with no emotions and we end up with a shallow and meaningless relationship. And very few of us want someone engaging in a relationship with us because they feel obligated. I dated a guy in college. He told me that he only asked me out and dated me several times because he felt sorry for me and he felt like he could help me. I will tell you that my choice: we did not go out anymore after that. Okay? 

13:14 

In a marital relationship, obligation has no place. It's so important that we learn to give and serve from a place of love. And if you're not feeling the love and the desire to engage with your spouse at whatever the task is, there is some cleaning up to do. This is the work. It is time for you to engage in. Often in relationships, we also feel the obligation to manage everyone else's feelings. At the beginning, I talked about how we can be deluded into thinking we can somehow control other people, how they feel or how other people see us. And here's the biggest example that I want to share with you about this. I have felt my whole life that it was my responsibility to be a good example for other people. I felt obligated to live my life a certain way, to choose living the gospel, to do all the things because people were watching me. And I was supposed to be an example. The problem here again was my motivation for doing all the things. Striving to live the gospel and serving others and being kind and Christlike, that's not the problem. 

14:25 

The problem was in the fact that so much of what I was doing was because I felt obligated to be an example. I wasn't living the way I was living because I loved it, I loved God, and I loved myself. Often I was living that way because I feared what would happen if I didn't. Maybe God wouldn't love me, maybe someone's life wouldn't be changed for the better if I didn't live that way and they didn't see my example. Maybe I would be held accountable at the last day because I didn't do a particular act of service that would have changed someone's life forever. There was so much fear in why and how I was living the gospel. The fascinating thing here is how responsible I felt for how others would see me or how they would want to emulate me. When in fact, I have zero control over how other people will think or feel. If someone looks at how I'm living they may choose to see me as an example or they may not. That is completely out of my control. 

15:30 

So here's the deal: it is not my job to be an example for anyone. I don't want to be an example to others to ever be my reason for doing what I do. I don't want to be obligated to be an example. I want to live a life that is in alignment with my values with developing love for God and Christ because I love them and I love the person I am when I live that way. And then if people happen to look at me and find some sort of example for their lives that's a great byproduct. But it's not my purpose. It's not my reason for living the way I live. I live the way I do because of the joy it brings me, because of how it makes me feel, and because I love the person I am when I'm striving to align with the gospel. And when I'm living my life out of obligation to all the people whose lives could be changed by my example, I'm missing out on the sweetest part of living the gospel. I'm missing out on the relationship that I can develop with God when I align my life with his, and when I truly choose him, and choose to live the way Christ showed me. Just as my relationship with a spouse is damaged by living out of obligation, so is my relationship with God and Christ damaged when I live out of obligation. And when we engage in any relationship out of obligation, we risk becoming burnout, because again, it breeds resentment rather than love, and resentment is energy draining. Hence the burnout. Whereas love is energy-producing. 

17:16 

Okay, there's one more relationship I want to talk about here and this is the relationship with ourselves. Again, when we engage in this relationship out of obligation, it feels horrible and we actually sabotage our efforts to progress. For example, let's say I eat a lot of junk food and I never exercise and my body feels horrible. I'm sluggish, my joints and my muscles ache, my gut always feels thick and bloated, I get a lot of headaches. So from a place of fear that I might die or become debilitated, I decide it's time for a change. When I make a choice to begin making healthier food and activity options, doing it from a place of just obligation is not sustainable. For example, I move into a place where I feel like I have to eat differently or I should be exercising. We can put anything in here. I have to be praying, I have to be reading scriptures, I have to be doing service. Whatever we put in there, these kinds of thoughts do not create the feeling of motivation. In fact, they create obligation, a feeling of obligation, which then creates resistance to the eating and the exercising or whatever it is we put in 

there. And we not only don't succeed in making the change, but we may even backslide in those activities. When we seek to make these changes because we just love ourselves and we want ourselves to feel better, we move out of obligation or fear of dying or being debilitated and we move into a space of genuine desire to feel better. And love is a great motivator. It produces energy that helps us stay the course in the relationship we have with ourselves. As it does in the relationships we have with God, and with other people. 

19:14 

So going back to the beginning, what would I want to say to an older son with regards to his younger brother? I would ask questions about the kind of relationship he would like to have with him now and in the future and then follow up with asking what kind of actions will create the relationship he would like. I would ask questions about how he would like to feel toward his brother now and both in the future and follow up with helping him see how he can create those kinds of feelings by paying attention to his thoughts about his brother. I would take obligation off of the table because all it will do is create resentment toward his younger brother. I would help him see that when he chooses to be with his brother from a place of love, that's going to create something very different. Obligation comes from this place of "have to" rather than "want to." Learning how to engage from a "want to" place is so much more empowering and create so much more space for love to grow. 

20:21 

So how do we start to let go of obligation and live from a place of love instead? First, it is imperative that we start being honest with ourselves about where in our lives we are living from a place of obligation. Often it has become such a part of our daily thought processes and actions that we don't even see it as obligation. But creating awareness is the first and biggest step to making the necessary adjustments so that we can move out of obligation .Find your "have to"s and your "should"s in your relationships. Anytime you catch yourself saying "I have to do this" or "I should do this," you very well may be living in obligation. Okay, once we create that awareness we get to start cleaning it up. Check out your "have to"s and your "should"s and realize that, in reality, guess what you don't have to do anything. Honestly, you don't. You don't have to do anything for your husband or your children if you don't want to. You honestly don't have to fulfill any calling at church. You don't have to eat healthy or exercise or get enough sleep. You don't have to clean up after yourself or manage your finances or spend time with your grandchildren or pay your mortgage or pay your utility bill. You don't have to do any of that. Now will there be consequences if you don't? Yeah, right? Different ones for all of those but you actually really don't have to do any of that. 

21:52 

Release yourself from having to do these things and then you are free to choose to do them, which moves you out of obligation start having some honest discussions with yourself and with the people you have relationships with and also with God. If you go back to podcast number 218 called "Honest Relationships," there are some great concepts taught there for how to engage in a more honest relationship. And while you're at it, check out podcast number 204, "Being a Peacemaker," which will also dig deeper into the ideas of how harmful it can be to be a peacekeeper at our own expense. Okay, I'm showing up honestly, with honest intentions, with a desire to act from love rather than fear or obligation will be huge to help you move forward. Obligation in relationships is very empty. It does not allow for a depth of emotion, a depth of communication, a way for us to know and be known to see and be seen. And this is the core of an intimate partnership, whether that relational partnership is with others. Whether it's with God or whether it's with ourselves. Obligation robs us of the best that is available to us. Release your obligation and immerse yourself in love and see if it doesn't change everything. And there may be some tough tough discussions coming up, because when you change the rules and stop showing up out of duty and out of responsibility and out of obligation, everything's gonna change in your relationship. And the person who's gonna push back the most is the person who was benefiting the most by you not having those boundaries, right? It will move your relationship to a deeper, more beautiful place. Promise you that. 

24:03 

This is a space of growing up that is so amazing and so great and I'm Incredibly happy that you are joining me on this journey. If you want to contact me, you can go to tanyahale.com, you can go to the the "free consultation" button and you can set up a free consultation so that we can talk. I guess that's gonna do it, and don't forget about the Masterminds, if you're interested in that. And I will talk to you next week. Bye. 

24:37 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.