00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 226, "The Best is Yet to Come." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright, good morning. Well, it's morning for me. How you doing today, my friends? So glad to have you here. Alright, for those of you who have been leaving reviews, I've gotten several in the last little bit, thank you so much. That just makes a big difference as far as helping people find this content. I'm a big fan of this content. I love it. It has changed my life and I am starting to get some little notes from y'all that are saying how it's changing yours and I appreciate those. That means a lot to me. I feel very honored to be able to be a part of your life and a part of your journey. And I pray that I can support you in your journey in figuring out how to make those connections with people and with yourself and with God that you want to make. 

01:08 

Okay, that being said, one other thing I mentioned last week that I'm going to be starting two Masterminds. Now I'm hoping by the time this comes out that those will be up on my webpage. However, I am working through figuring out the tech. And I haven't done these classes before. And so figuring out how to get on my website. It may not be there. If you are interested in these classes, they may be on my website. They may not. But if they are not there, please make sure that you are signed up for my "weekend win." And if you're signed up for that, then I will send out a message to everybody who's on my "weekend win" to let them know that those classes are open when I get them up. So you can do that by going to my website, to the "contact me" tab and then scroll down to the bottom. There's a place where you can sign up for that. So the two classes are going to be...one is called "Let's Talk About Love," that's going to be Tuesday nights at eight o'clock eastern/six o'clock mountain, and then you can figure out where it is based on where you are. It will be an hour long for six weeks. It starts on November 15th. I believe that's the Tuesday. So six weeks long. The other class is going to be is called "When You're Considering Divorce" and that is going to start on November 15th as well. That one will be at 6:30 eastern/4:30 mountain. Again: six weeks, one hour, we're just going to dig into some concepts and really dive deep and have a great opportunity to ask questions and to discuss. I'm excited to learn from you from the things that you understand and get that I don't yet. And I get to share with you the things that I know and understand and love. And I'm just really excited for this opportunity. So I'm keeping these classes limited to eight participants and me. So that would be nine people total. So, I've already have had some people say they're signing up for sure as soon as it gets open. So, I would love to have you be a part of that. It should be really insightful and just even fun. 

03:27 

I'm doing this because to me, it just sounds like such a fun thing to just have some deep dive discussions about things and figure things out. So the divorce one may not be so fun, but hopefully it will be super, super insightful. And if you or someone you know is in that position where you are considering divorce, we're going to be talking in that one about how to just really clean up your stuff, how to really do your best to make sure that you are cleaned up so that you can make a really good decision that you feel good about and that you don't have to second guess. So both those classes are going to be $197, and you should just be able to pay right there on the website, but of course I'm figuring out the website tech. So be patient with me as I figure that out. If it's not out when this comes up and you're interested, make sure you're on my "weekend win" email and then we will get that to you. So that was a lot of minutes talking about that. 

04:36 

So let's just jump in today. Topic is the best is yet to come. Okay. Love this topic. I was listening to something the other day and they were describing midlife and a large part of the discussion was about how so many people, when they get to middle age, they really struggle and they struggle because our lives change so much at this time. I refer to it as middle-aged puberty because all of the things that change in puberty start to change again in midlife. Our hormones are changing, our bodies are changing, our relationships are changing, our ideas about who we are and what we want to be in the world are changing. Sometimes our values start to change. All these things...and if that doesn't sound like puberty, I don't know what does. I just got out of teaching eighth graders, like, the pinnacle of puberty. And this was all the struggles, all the things that they worked through. And we're doing the same thing when we hit middle-aged. And so many people dread all of this change. You know people who are just, like, "I just don't like change, I don't like change." Well, okay, this is middle-aged. It is change. And these people get really hung up on the challenges that these changes inevitably bring, and they start to resist the challenges, they start to resist the changes. But this resistance to change is actually what makes the growing up into middle age so difficult. 

06:07 

So resistance is a fascinating concept, especially in this context. So resistance is defined as "the refusal to accept or comply with something." And second definition, "the attempt to prevent something by action or argument." So in the context of middle age, refusal to accept or comply with what? Refusal to accept or comply that our hormones are changing, that our bodies are getting older, that our children are growing up and moving out, that we're redefining a marriage relationship now that the two of you are empty nesters. It's so interesting that our brains think that we can refuse to accept or comply with this stuff. And when we think we are refusing to accept or comply, we do the second part of that definition, which is to attempt to prevent something by action or argument. And this is where we may get hung up on letting our adult children move out and do their own thing, whatever their thing is. This is where all of our unhealthy coping mechanisms and patterns go into full swing. And we start damaging relationships all over the place. We might start trying to parent our spouse, meaning we start stepping into seeking control in areas that are not of our business to control. We start parenting our adult children, meaning we attempt to prevent them from being functional adults who govern their own lives. Or we may just start shutting down early, resisting the idea that we still have a lot of amazing years yet to come. 

07:57 

Now, the tricky part is that so many of us do this without any awareness at all. But we start engaging in passive aggressive behaviors or manipulative comments or disengaging. We keep trying to assert our control over other people's choices, but we do it in really subtle ways. So to our adult children, we might say things like, "really, that's the choice you're going with, huh? Well, it's not the decision I would make, but you're an adult. I guess you get to make your own choices," or it may sound like "this Christmas is just really important to me when all my kids are around. I feel so loved," or maybe it sounds like "someday you'll appreciate all of the sacrifices I've made for you." Okay, now those just crack me up. Some of you are cringing as I share those and some of you are trying to figure out what's so wrong with them. All good. We're all in different places. But just so you know, those are some controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive comments. So if you're on the camp of, I'm not quite sure what I heard there that was so bad, I want you to start binge listening to these podcasts if you're not quite sure why. And so you can start to figure it out. 

09:18 

So here we go. Very often these types of comments come out of our mouths without any conscious awareness from us at all. And we are just seeking to prevent something by action or argument. We're resisting what's going on. And we don't do it just with our children. All too often our poor spouses are bombarded with the same sort of treatment. This resistance to change has very little, if any, upside at all. When we resist something that we have zero control over, we're expending mental and emotional energy as well. It's like trying to use your brute strength to push a six foot diameter boulder across the yard. Most of us could put our shoulder to the boulder for hours and hours, and it wouldn't budge at all. Most of us wouldn't even try because we would realize how futile the attempt is. And yet just as futile is pushing against the changes that occur in middle age. I share this quote often because I love it so much. But Byron Katie says, "when you fight against reality, you're going to lose but only 100% of the time." 

10:35 

So here's the thing: We are aging. We are growing older. Our kids are growing up and moving out. Our relationships with our spouse and our children are changing. We can fight it. We can resist it. But then we just become miserable. We're miserable because it doesn't matter how much we fight it, we're going to lose. But let's say we push and push and push against our adult children growing up and wanting to move out. We continually let them know that we don't think they're ready to move out on their own. We don't think they're responsible enough to handle the finances. We don't think they can handle getting themselves out of bed for a job in the morning if we're not there to wake them up because you know they're just such a deep sleeper. And guess what? What if we win? What if our kids slink back into themselves, go hide in their bedroom, turn on the video games, refuse to get a job or go to school. We won right? They're staying home and isn't that just what we wanted? I think most of us would say "actually, on second thought that's not really what I want at all." When placed in that context, we really do want them to grow up. It just hurts you know. It hurts to have our hearts move across town or across the state or across the country or the world. It does hurt, but here's the hard truth: Sometimes change hurts. It hurts and it's  hard. But it's where the growth is, the growth for our children, the growth for us. 

12:25 

Did any of you get growing pains in your legs when you were a teenager? I have heard that they're horrible and miserable, but what a great way to show that growing into our fullest potential requires pain sometimes. It's so important to learn to lean into the pain and the discomfort rather than resist it. And this takes some mind work. And I'll be honest, on a lighter note than kids moving out, it takes mind work for me to look in the mirror and see my face getting wrinkles and age spots and my skin getting all creepy and the extra pounds seem to appear overnight and not get frustrated with the change. And yet the change is happening. Resisting isn't going to help me. Let's put a couple of thoughts in a thought model just so we can see how those resistant thoughts play out. I think the thought model is such an amazing tool to just give us clarity and awareness of what we are creating. 

13:34 

So here we go. Circumstance: the last child just moved out of the home. Your thought about it: this is just so hard. You're feeling despondent, which means kind of discouraged or depressed, right? You feel despondent. So your action: you eat a sleeve of Oreos, you sleep in, instead of getting up to exercise you get more takeout, you overreach out to your child, you binge-watch your favorite K-drama for days on end, because they're forever long, right? The end result: life just gets harder. Notice how your thought creates your result. Your thought "this is just so hard" creates the result that life just gets harder. 

14:23 

Okay, here's another one. Circumstance: you're getting three hot flashes a day, which for some of you, you would be like, "oh, three would make me ecstatic," because they come so much. But here we go, I just put three, let's put 20. 20 hot flashes a day. And your thought is: I hate menopause. Feeling super annoyance. Your action: when you're annoyed, you whine, you complain, you're irritable with people around you. The end result: you're pushing people away, you're hating on your own life, you're always miserable. I'm not saying that 20 hot flashes a day is a pleasant thing, but what I'm saying is that our thought about it is going to create our result. 

15:14 

Here we go. Let's look at one more just for fun. So you and your husband are home alone at night because all your kids have moved out. Here's our circumstance, right? Your thought: my life is so boring. Feeling: bored. Your actions,: you start wasting time, you play way too many games on your phone, you scroll too much Facebook, you watch another K-drama, you get a snack you're not hungry for. The end result: you have a boring life, right? We think "my life is boring" and we create a boring life. It's just so fascinating to me to watch this play out as I do my own thought models and as I do thought models with my clients. So fascinating to see that our thoughts always create our results. 

16:01 

So thoughts such as "this is just so hard," "I hate menopause," "this is so boring," our thoughts that are in opposition to acceptance. I would say they fit in the resistance camp, right? And these types of thoughts keep us stuck or they even start us backsliding. Listen, I can resist my body's changes and be miserable every single day when I look in the mirror or I can accept or even, heaven forbid, embrace the changes that are happening, and not just with my body, but in every aspect of my life, and I can feel a whole lot better about life. Resistance makes us quite miserable and keeps us stuck. Acceptance feels good and moves us out of stuck. So resisting the changes that occur in our midlife really holds us back from the possibilities available to us as we grow older. 

17:02 

There are so many incredible things about middle age. Don't you just feel so much wiser? It's like all of these years of experience are finally catching up with us and we can piece them all together and start creating a beautiful picture. I would not trade the wisdom I've gained over the years for a 20 year old body EVER. All caps "ever." Absolutely would not do that. I feel that my wisdom serves me so much better than my younger body did. And I'll tell you, in university in my 20s I struggled to get B's. When I took some master level classes in my 40s, to get my reading endorsement to teach reading in school. 4.0, baby, right? Like, life just made more sense. I had better context because of my experiences. I don't want to trade that for anything, right? I love this place in life. 

18:13 

What about the freedom that comes as we get older? OK, generally, we step into this stage...our kids are old enough or even moved out and they don't require constant care or any care at all. OK, now I'm not saying that we don't love and care about them. Just that we're not responsible for their care. We don't need to be driving them back and forth. We've moved out of verb parenting and into noun parenting, meaning we are parents in name only. We don't have the responsibilities to care for them and this offers up a lot of time for our own pursuits. This stage allows us to start dreaming again and pursuing those dreams. Here's another benefit: the house stays so much cleaner and with just one or two of you there, you always know who made the mess. When I lived with just my youngest daughter, it was just her and I in the house. She hated it because we always knew who made the mess, right? No more blaming it on anybody else. And she's actually a pretty clean girl. So, it's just we always know. 

19:24 

And then there's the finding yourself again. As women, we've spent a lot of time taking care of everyone else and very often putting ourselves on the back burner ,waiting for our time. Not saying that that was right, but that's what we did. But this is the deal. This is our time. We get to define the person we want to be, we get to decide who we are and how we want to engage from this point on. 

19:59 

Now, all of our circumstances are different, but this is something that is so amazing about where we are. Our lives get to be whatever we want them to be. So here's something to think about. So many of us decide that we're kind of done when our last child leaves home. We may be 45 or 50, 55 or 60, and some people think this is the end of their lives. And partially because as women, so much of our identity, both socially and individually, is based on our role of raising children. And so once they're gone, what's a woman to do? Some women feel that this is the final chapter. And some feel like they're just getting started. And guess what? It's all a choice. You get to decide whether this is the final chapter or whether you're just getting started. And it starts with your thoughts. We get to be whatever we want to be. What do you want to be? Do you want to be a full-time grandma? Perfect. You want to change professions? So great. You want to start your own business? That is freaking amazing. We get to choose. And here's some amazing news for you: you still have 30, 40, 50 good years left in you. 

21:33 

Now, maybe your physical health isn't what it used to be. I know mine isn't, but your experience and wisdom is driving the train at this point. I just have a hard time believing that this is the time to rock it out on my porch chair or in front of the TV. We have so much to give the world. I honestly believe that I am just getting started on some of the most incredible work of my life. And I will tell you, I absolutely love being a mother. And I genuinely, genuinely enjoyed every stage of being a stay 

at-home mom. I was one of those annoying moms who was like, "No, this is great. I love it," because I did. I really loved it. That work was so important and I felt so called to be there. And then when I started teaching school, I felt so called to teach eighth graders how to read better. And I was passionate about it. And I feel it helped me to discover myself and my talents and my abilities and my skills. And now I'm building a coaching business and I'm teaching people all over the world how to clean up their relationships, how to clean up their thinking, how to show up the person they want to be, and create the lives that they want. I'm helping women learn how to be seen and heard. And as my business impact in the world grows, I honestly feel that at 54, I am finally really stepping into my God-given calling. 

23:15 

And to top it off, I married the love of my life this last year. A man who wants to create an intentional, intimate partnership, and not just somebody to keep the house from being so quiet. And honestly, with all of this, I feel that the best is yet to come. I love the idea that I look at my life right now and I think, "oh my gosh, my life is like an eight or a nine on a scale of 10." And yet if I stand back and think with all of this amazingness and goodness going on, what if it actually is only a two? Oh, that just gets to me. This is an emotional day for me. What if my life, as amazing as it is, is only a two? What is left for me to step into? The best is yet to come? 

24:23 

And I don't believe this just for me. I believe this for you. Your best is yet to come. But I can with almost 100% surety promise you it won't come while in your rocking chair. It won't come while watching The Bachelor. What I'm talking about starts with digging deep, discovering yourself, the self that likely has been shoved in that back corner somewhere. This is about listening to those small nudges, being willing to turn your head and look at what is in your peripheral vision that you've noticed over there, but you've been scared to turn and look at. It's about digging deep, for the courage to imagine something you've never imagined before, or to decide that that dream that's been lurking in your brain for the last 10 years is a possibility. This is the time, my friends, to step into it, to do what scares you, to pull that rusty skill set out of the shed, dust it off and get to work. 

25:37 

This is the time in our lives that we get to set aside the cultural norms and ideas of relaxing into retirement and we get to listen to ourselves. And don't just listen for what speaks to your soul...also listen for what your soul wants to say. The best is yet to come and almost all of the time we've got to go get it. If you're here listening to this podcast, I know that this speaks to you. I know that you're not somebody who's just sitting back going, "sitting in my rocking chair sounds pretty good," because guess what? There are people for whom it does and great. They get to choose. But you're here because you are not okay with the status quo. You're here because you feel something inside of you. So get out of your chair, get out of your comfort zone, get out of your house, and follow those nudges because you are in those nudges. In middle age, we often feel lost and like we don't know who we are anymore. Well, this is how you find you. You follow the nudges. You follow the promptings from God that will help you rediscover you. And when you find you, that is the best. The best is yet to come. That's you in all your glory, stepping into who you were created to be, fulfilling the calling you were sent here to fulfill. You've got this, my friend, and I've got you. We are in this together. This is growing up and it is freaking amazing. Darn it. I love it so much. And I just want to help you. So I hope this is helping you. 

28:04 

If you need some personal help from me, you can contact me at tanyahale.com. You can set up a free consult and we can chat. And I will say that I am a one client away from having a waiting list, which is pretty exciting for me. So let's get moving on this. It's time to grow, my friends. The best is yet to come. I promise. You have an awesome, awesome day. And let's do this together. Chat with you next time. Bye.