00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 212, "Healing Your Disconnected Relationships." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, hello there, my friends, welcome to the podcast. Hey, I've got a favor to ask you. If you love this podcast, if you keep coming back because there are things here that are impacting your life for the positive and helping you see things and helping change your life, I would love to have you share this with someone that you feel would benefit from this information and from this content. I would love to be able to reach more people and help more people step into a healthier way of living. So if you have never shared this or if you haven't shared it for a long time, if someone comes to your mind during listening to this podcast today, I would love for you to share it with them. If there's just somebody that you think would enjoy this content because it's the kind of stuff that they love, I would love for you to share this with them. 

01:15 

So that being said, let's jump into today's topic. I love today's topic and I have enjoyed preparing this discussion for you today. We're talking about healing our disconnected relationships. So we probably all have, or have had in the past, relationships where we felt disconnected from the other person in a relationship with someone with whom we don't want to feel disconnected. It may be a child, it may be a spouse, it may be parents, it may be a good friend, and it can sometimes seem that no matter what we do or no matter what we say, that there's always this distance, this inability to connect and to heal the relationship. And the interesting thing is, is that in most of these situations, both people really do want to connect. There's something inside of us that aches to be loved and connected to other people, especially people in our family. We all want to be loved. The person you feel disconnected to wants to be loved. And now I think some of the best news about this topic is that people want to be loved and you have the capacity to love. And you can help people feel loved by showing up and loving them. But often our patterns of behavior that are so ingrained of us we don't even recognize them much of the time. They work against us showing love in the ways necessary for us to connect. So today we're going to talk about how to show the love that will help you reconnect with the people you may currently feel disconnected with. 

02:58 

So here's a scenario that may have been played out in your life in some form. Now it's going to come in multiple forms, but here's just an idea at the top of my head. Maybe you have an adult child that says, "you're just so controlling and manipulative. Will you just stay out of my life?" Okay, first of all, what is your first human gut response to that kind of a statement? If you're pretty normal, like me, it is to start defending yourself and to start judging them for their beliefs, to start telling them about how you weren't just being controlling and manipulative. Or about how you're just trying to be helpful, but if they don't want your help, then okay. You might turn it back on them and start telling them how they were being controlling and manipulative, or you may start to cry and leave the room while telling them on your way out that they never appreciate your efforts and you don't even know why you try. Or...I know, right? The things we do. Or maybe you just start explaining to them about how ungrateful they are for everything you have done for them over the years. You birthed them, you fed them, you got up in the middle of the night, you changed their poopy diapers, you cleaned up all their messes, you took them to soccer practice and cooked all their meals and helped them with science projects and bought them a car, which they wrecked within six months, by the way. And you did their hair and makeup for prom and you took them out for ice cream when their boyfriend broke up with them and you helped them pay for college and you paid for their wedding. You even watched their children for them for the umpteenth time this afternoon without getting paid. 

04:37 

Okay, wow. That's a lot of behaviors we might engage in, right? But the thing is we do these things and we don't do them because we're horrible people. We don't do them because we don't love this person. We don't do it because we don't care about our relationships. In fact, it's precisely the opposite. We do it because we care so deeply about the relationship and 

our primitive brain starts to freak out when something like that is said to us. It goes into the fight, flight, or freeze mode and old patterns of behavior automatically kick in. And here's the clincher: they don't even have to be our patterns of behavior. Maybe that's the way your parents engaged with you, in which case your brain was taking very careful notes about how to  respond when a child would, someday, say something accusatory. And that's when we have that, "oh my gosh, I just said that exactly like my mother would have" moment, right? I think we probably all had those as well, because our brains were taking notes. And so we respond in one of these ways, or something similar, and two days later you realize you acted just like your mother used to act. 

05:55 

I tell you what, this happens to all of us. Our primitive brain is just trying to survive a current difficult situation. And many of us didn't see really great examples of emotional connection when we were younger. Our parents' generation generally did not work in this realm. So our primitive brain is throwing up whatever it has stored in there, which often isn't very helpful. But all of these types of responses create disconnect. So here's what to do instead: when a child or someone else makes an accusatory statement, instead of being shocked and defensive, let's create some awareness and let's move into curiosity. Okay, so here's what curiosity would sound like with that accusation that you're being controlling and manipulative and, you know, just don't call me, I'll call you kind of thing. We might say, "oh wow, I wasn't seeing that. Tell me what you're seeing. Maybe what did I say or do that came across as controlling, as manipulative? I really want to understand. Oh, I can totally see how that seemed controlling or manipulative." 

07:15 

Okay, so what we need to do is be willing to look for the truth in what they're saying. Could they be right? Could there be an element of what they're saying that's right? Maybe they're not right, but to them, if it feels right, then it's true for them. And it still needs to be addressed. What we're going for here is not deciding whether what they're saying is even necessarily right or wrong. What we're just asking ourselves is if the accusation has merit. Is there any truth in it? It helps so much to move into a space where we are validating what they're saying. For example," I can totally see how that's manipulative. I didn't recognize that before. Thanks for showing me." If we start judging their position, we lose the opportunity to connect. And if we start defending our position, we lose the opportunity to connect. So instead, move into curiosity. Ask them to tell you everything they're seeing and experience. "Tell me all the things." Ask them to tell you all about your behavior. Let them know you really want to understand. The reason these types of things are brought up in the first place is that the other person is possibly hurt or angered. And because of that, they're trying to make a bid for love. They want to be loved. They want to be accepted and they are encouraging up and telling you about it. But it doesn't usually come out as, "I would actually like to feel more love from you, Mother dear." More often, it comes out as you're being controlling and manipulative. They are being hurt by what you're saying or doing and this is how they know to express that. 

09:10 

Even if something came up in the past and you've never talked about it, let's say your child said something a year ago or sent an email a year ago or a text message or whatever and you never talked about it. There is no reason to keep ignoring it and pretending that they didn't say those things. In that instance, you can approach it with a comment like, "when you said such and such to me last year, I wasn't prepared to hear it and understand it, but I've thought so much about it since then and I've grown a lot since then and I'd love to talk with you more about it. Do you still feel the same way?" Okay, the amazing thing here is you have the power to give them exactly what they really want, which is love and acceptance. By stepping into curiosity and out of judgment and defensiveness, you can show up in ways that will make feeling love and acceptance from you much easier. 

10:04 

So here are some other ideas of things you can say: "How can we talk about this?" "What does it mean for you when I say or do the behavior that you said I did?" Right? "What would it look like for you if I were to not be controlling your manipulative?" "I really don't want to be controlling your manipulative. How can I do better?" "What can I do to help us be closer?" "I want to love you better. How can I do that? What else am I missing?" Okay, the point here is to start making our relationship as honest and vulnerable and transparent as possible. "Let's talk about all the things. And that starts with us." We need to show up that way willing to talk about the tough things. Oftentimes, we will act as though our relationships are kind of secret and that we can't talk about them so we skirt around issues and we don't communicate hurt or frustration or even love and compassion. We somehow expect that all these things should be magically understood, but to connect they have to be out on the table. We have to talk about them. It may even help to start to separate these kinds of discussions in our brain into a business category. The relationship is personal, but the mechanics of the relationships are business. So, "what can I do to listen better" is business. These kinds of things can be discussed with a lot of high emotion. Let's take the emotion off the table. "What can I do to listen better?" That's business. Then, the act of actual listening better is personal. That's when we show forth the love. What we don't want to do is avoid the conversation because then nothing ever gets resolved. 

12:01 

So here's another piece to talk about. We need to be realistic about how they are going to show up. So they may not have any of these tools, depending on who it is, and they may not care to have any of these tools. But they will always show up on brand, meaning the way that they always have. A lot of times people show up the way they always do and we always get shocked and confused like, "oh my gosh, I can't believe they did that." Well, of course they did. They always have in the past. They've always shown up that way, right? So are they showing up on brand? Most likely we, however, get to choose to show up the best version of ourselves. And that may be changing our brand, like moving in that direction, but we get to show up that way. And guess what? We don't have to agree with them or even think that they're right. We just need to be willing to listen and seek to understand their point of view. Healing this disconnect. It's not important that there's a right or a wrong. Has nothing to do with right ideas or wrong ideas. It has to do with understanding ideas. It's not even important for them to be right about us and our motives. 

13:24 

In fact, very often we need to be willing to let them be wrong about us. And in most instances, it's not really going to matter whether they're wrong about us or not. Connection isn't about coming to the same conclusion and believing the same things. It's about seeking to understand and giving the other person the space they need to be themselves. To be heard and have their own thoughts and opinions and being respected for their thoughts and opinions. Remember, we're going for connection here and standing down from getting defensive. If they have a serious misinterpretation of something that you said or did, it's okay to clarify. We can say something like," I just want to be clear that my thoughts behind that convent were meaning this and not this. But I can see how it could have been understood that way. I wish I could have been able to say it in a better way at the time." Or we might say, "this is where I was coming from and maybe I didn't do a good job explaining it. I messed up. I'm so sorry. What can I do to make the situation right? How can I show up better for you?" 

14:40 

People can be very forgiving when they sense that we really love them and we want to understand and connect with them. Because generally, again, that's what they're seeking for: to be loved and understood and accepted. Remember that unconditional love is about being willing to give up being right so that we can connect. It can be so easy to let our ego get in the way of connection. But if we can keep our intentions to connect at the forefront of our brains, it can be easier to check our pride and our defensiveness before the conversation. We can actually become a soft space for them to land and to explore their own thoughts and feelings. However, let me warn you, this is not a time to teach anyone the thought model. We don't tell people that it's their thoughts that are causing their feelings, okay? The goal here is for us to show up using the thought model, not to get other people to use it. If we know how it works and we strive to manage our thoughts and to show up beautifully, or even just better than we have in the past, then we have accomplished what we can accomplish. We don't expect them to show up any different than they have or that they are. And this process is about accepting them and understanding them at a level that we haven't before. And that all starts with our own thoughts and letting go of our judgment about their thoughts. 

16:11 

Okay, so one other piece here connected to the thought model. Please, please make sure you are separating out the thoughts from the facts. It can be so easy to think "she's being rude. She's being defensive. She's overreacting. She's being sharp." But be aware that those are all thoughts. We can tell because they're opinions. Other people might think something different about the behavior and it can't be proven in a court of law. So let me reread those thoughts again: "She's being rude, she's being defensive, she's overreacting, she's being sharp," those are thoughts not facts. So rather than" she's being rude," which is a thought, we can identify this fact, the straight fact, which would be she said, "I don't want you to come over without calling first." Okay, that is so different than "she's being rude or she's overreacting." This is the model in action when we apply it, everything shifts, but even just the thought, "we're disconnected" doesn't serve us. 

17:19 

Let me put a thought in a model to show you. Okay, so the circumstance: my sister hasn't reached out to me for over six months. Well, let me even just clarify that circumstance a little bit. My sister hasn't called or texted me for over six months. Look how much more specific that is. Thought: we're disconnected. Feeling: that thought, "we're disconnected" creates a feeling of being distant. Then the action line: we don't reach out to her. We create stories about her in our head about why she's not calling or texting. We misinterpret things she may have said or things that we hear from other family members.  The end result is that we actually become disconnected or more disconnected. Let's change that thought "we're disconnected." I just wanna show you. So that would be an unintentional model. Let's create something different on purpose. Okay, circumstance: my sister hasn't called or texted me for over six months. Thought: I don't know what's going on, but I do know that I love and care about her a lot. Feeling: concern. The action when we feel concern is so different. We're going to reach out. We're gonna drop the defensiveness and pick up curiosity. We're going to refrain from making up stories. And the end result is that we feel and express more love, which then leads to feeling more connected, whether they accept that love or not. We feel more connected to them. 

18:55 

So putting our circumstances and thoughts in the thought model always amazes me. When I can see the individual pieces of the situation, it's incredible how empowered I can feel in creating what I want. But here's the thing: if the only thing we care about is love, then we're not worried about who is right and who is wrong. We're concerned about the person knowing that we love them. At the end of that conversation, if we ask ourselves a question, "do they know that I love them?" Hopefully the answer to that is "yes." I love to ask the question, "what would love do?" This always seems to center me on what's most important for me. It always helps me to show up more the person that I really want to be. And that's what this work is really about: learning how to step out of snap reactions that have us showing up not the way we want to and stepping into actually behaving the way that we want, to being the best version of ourselves more often. I think in middle age this is the space where we move into being able to do that more. I think our experience and our maturity helps put us in a place where this is just so much easier for us to do. That's what we're going for here. 

20:29 

Now keep in mind we cannot control how the other person responds and reacts even when we show up amazing like this. They may still choose to not contact us or have us contact them, but we get to feel good about how we are striving to connect with them. We get to feel good about how we are showing up in the relationship. That's what we have control over. That's the brilliance of this work. That regardless of the circumstance, I feel good about how I'm showing up. 

21:08 

That, my friends, is some good stuff. I hope you enjoyed it and share that. Please, please share it. There's a couple of ways you can do it. One, just right there on your podcast, you can click on the three buttons and it'll have a "share this podcast" option with somebody and you can share it to them individually. You can share it on your social media accounts, but I would love for you to take just a minute and share this with someone that you love and someone that you feel would appreciate this content with that as well. If you would leave me a review, if you haven't, I would appreciate it. That always helps this to show up more for people who you don't know, people who are just looking for content. This will pop up on their options. 

21:56 

So my friends, I love you. Thank you for being here. I love that I get to share this information with you. I just want us to live in this better space and I know that we can. I know we can move into this and we can start creating more of what we want. The reason I know it is because I am doing it. I'm doing it in my own life. I have created a very different relationship with my children and with the connection that I feel with my children. I'm creating a completely different relationship with my husband than I had with my previous husband. I am feeling so good about how I show up a lot of the time. Now, I'm human, I'm going to make huge mistakes, but when I show up with mistakes, then I also know how to circle back around and to revisit it in a way that is loving and kind. And I'm becoming so much more the kind of person that I really want to be. Human, for sure, still making a lot of mistakes, and sometimes not even aware of the mistakes that I'm making. That's part of our humanity as well. But doing better than I've ever done before and I'm really proud of myself for that and I hope that you are finding yourself in a situation where you are showing up better than you ever have before and that you're really proud of how you're showing up. Okay, love you, my friends, thank you for being here and I will talk to you next week. Ciao. 

23:28 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free" weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!