00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 198, "My Last 90-Day Relationship." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. I have a lot to chat about today, so we are just going to jump right in. I'm talking today about my last 90-day relationship. So if you've been following me, you will know that about a year ago, I embarked on something called a 90-day relationship. So this is an idea that I received from Brooke Castillo, who is the owner and the founder of a place called the Life Coach School. And this is where I got my Life Coach certification from. And she had done a 90-day relationship and so she did a class on it in something called "self-coaching scholars" that I'm a member of. And so I decided to just jump in last year because I was at this point where I'm like, "okay, listen, I'm ready to find a person to marry. I'm ready to move into this stage," not because I think marriage was going to make me better or more worthy or anything like that, but because I just realized that I really wanted the experience of having an intimate partner, of having someone that I emotionally connected with in a way that I never have before, of having that kind of relationship that I haven't had and that I didn't have in my previous relationship. And so the basic idea behind the 90-day relationship is that when you start this with someone, when you are all in for 90 days, you learn to love all in, your goal is to create emotional intimacy, to establish healthy patterns of behavior, to work on all the issues that come up and not just walk away when things get tough to really have to hone your skills in becoming better at this conflict resolution. And so it has been an amazing year for me. 

02:10 

In fact, it was a year ago, March, that I started my first 90-day relationship. And that one was chronicled in podcast number 162, if you're kind of new and you're interested to hear how that played out. I recorded this one about 10 days out when all of my emotions were still a little bit raw. We had just broken up and it was still a tough space for me to be. But I learned some amazing things in that relationship. In fact, it really paved the way for me to move into a space where I was much more prepared for the following relationships that came. Some of the things that I learned were how to speak up more and how to have a voice. How to have difficult conversations that previously I would have avoided. How to face my own shame about things in my my previous marriage relationship, how to work through conflict in a way that created connection, how to intentionally create healthy patterns of behavior. And it was a pretty intense relationship. And I know that he experienced a lot of growth in this relationship as well. And it was 90 days with each of us showing up, giving it our best, really seeking to learn to love cleanly and being all in, regardless of what the other person brought to the table. And shortly after the 90 days was up, we decided that it wasn't a good fit. And we broke up with both of us just hugging and crying and just saying, "this has been the most amazing experience. This has been so wonderful." It was, I guess I can only speak for me, but it was such a great, great experience. But we also knew that we needed to move on. And I know that I was so incredibly grateful to him for the safe space that he created for me to show up and work through the things that were so difficult for me. And that experience changed everything that I had thought about what a relationship could be. It was so much sweeter and loving and kind than I had ever experienced in my life, even after those years in my marriage. 

04:19 

And after we broke up, I was in a space that I knew for sure that I wanted to get married again. I think before that, I was like, "yeah, I wanna experience this, I wanna do it." But after that experience, when I realized how beautiful and sweet a relationship could be, I was just like, "okay, absolutely. I want to get married now for sure." So within about two weeks after breaking up with him, so shortly after I recorded that podcast, I was back on the dating websites. And I had really started to figure out how to show up more authentically, me, and how to attract the kind of man that was my kind of person. I was speaking with my son today just about how the better you know you, the better you can show up and ask for what you want. Right? You get it. And so I had just moved into a lot of that. So I had a second 90-day relationship later that summer that actually did not make it the full 90 days. We got along really well. Things were good, but some things came up in the relationship and we both realized that it wasn't a good space for us to stay in that relationship and that and that we needed to separate so that so that some things could happen. 

05:31 

But again I will tell you I learned so much from that relationship as well. I found that stepping into honest conversation was easier with him, but I still got some really really good practice in with this man and I was able to step into honest conversations not only easier, but deeper. I was able to move that skill of mine forward. And so again, it was a really sweet relationship and we ended on really good terms. And in between all of this I dated some other men who again were my kind of men because I'd learned how to weed them out, right? But for some reason or another we didn't pursue 90-day relationships, we just kind of knew that it wasn't a fit or they weren't really interested or I wasn't really interested. And then, my friends, I met Sione. And we are an e-harmony match. So being an e-harmony match was great because what you do is you answer like, I don't know, like 150 questions and then it matches you up on your values and things that are most important to you and all of that kind of stuff. But what really started to clinch it for us was that I had learned to ask questions as I got to know them that required some vulnerability. 

06:42 

So after just a few online interactions I would say something like "listen, I'm not a game player. So let's just jump in. What are three of your greatest successes and three of your greatest failures?" Or I would maybe like "what are three of your greatest strengths and three of your greatest weaknesses?" And I had gotten used to asking these to a lot of men because I found that it did some great things for me. First of all, a lot of men would never respond and they would drop off of my feed. It was it was a really quick way to find out those people who weren't comfortable with it, right? If they're not my kind of person, they don't like to talk about that sort of thing and it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to go there. That's great. People get to do what they want. But this is kind of what I wanted in a relationship. And other people would respond with something a little snarky, probably because they felt really uncomfortable diving into some vulnerability that early on. Or they would respond with something that was very basic. And then all of that just kind of says oh, well, they're not your person. I mean, they don't want to play the same kind of game that you want to play. 

07:48 

But along came Sione and he asked when I asked him, I think the first question I asked him was three of his greatest successes and failures, and he asked for a day to think about it. And then he responded with something that was pretty intense, pretty vulnerable, and very authentic. And I liked that a lot. And then he asked me to respond to the same question, which I did in a very thorough way, again, seeking to be very vulnerable. And this began some pretty intense and deep conversations within just the first few days of connecting all over the app, right? And then we exchanged numbers and we did it over that way. But then we decided to meet over Zoom after probably only three or four days of some pretty intense stuff back and forth. And pretty quick, we were both very interested in pursuing this relationship because we saw another person who was interested in the same kind of growth that we were and someone who wanted to create the kind of emotional intimacy that we both wanted that had eluded both of us in our previous marriage relationships. 

08:54 

But here's the trick. Sione does not live in Utah. Sione lives in Indiana. And this presented us with a long distance relationship, something that I think he was more prepared for because he had spread his virtual net to Utah. And I hadn't really considered it. My virtual net was still like within 150 miles, but his net picked up me and so he sent me a note. But we really connected. And after three weeks of connecting every day for several hours over FaceTime and Zoom, he flew here to Utah to spend three days with me. And it was amazing. And the night before he left, we talked about a 90-day relationship and he was all in. And we decided to both be all in for the next 90 days. So we sat down that night and we established our own set of rules. We talked about how are we going to handle conflict? How is it gonna be brought up? How are we going to respond when the other person brings things up? We talked about the dysfunctional patterns of behavior we had seen in our previous marriages. And we discussed what kinds of patterns we wanted to create instead. We talked about expectations about how and when to visit, about how, when, and how often to call, about who would spend money on what. We talked about creating a space of grace for the other person to make mistakes and then be able to circle back around and try it again. And I mean, we talked about all that like really early on. 

10:28 

And this is the thing that I have loved about doing the 90-day relationships. I'm not really much of a game player. I don't enjoy that. I just really wanted, when I was dating, to get in, to see if it was going to work and then either get out or move forward. I don't love the months of wondering if they're really into me and if I can call them. And are we gonna go out this weekend? And are they still seeing other people? Do I dare ask? Am I in a space of not being committed enough to ask if they're even seeing the other people? Do I just have to wonder, I mean, I just want to step into being up front and honest.  That's just really my personality and I like it that way. If I liked him, I wanted to feel free to let him know without it freaking him out, and the 90-day creates a space for that. I feel like it takes the more traditional relationship and cuts out the six months of dating where you never know where you stand. So from the beginning it's very open to being honest and having tough conversations and this is very intentional dating. We went into it with the plan, with openness, with honesty and knowing we wanted to create deep emotional intimacy in those 90 days, that we wanted to create a true partnership. And that didn't mean that we necessarily were saying "hey, we are in this to see if we're gonna get married," It was more just, "we're just in this for 90 days to see if we want to keep going. To see if this is something that we like," and I like that piece. So much of our conversations revolve around learning how to show up the way that we want to and having the opportunity to circle back around when we don't. 

12:11 

This, I think, is one of the greatest things about the 90-day relationships that I've been in. Not because we want to, but because that's what our brain knows how to do. And often times we are stepping into behavior even before we're consciously aware of it. So when that happened, the other person's job was to create a safe space of grace where the person who did the past pattern of behavior could acknowledge that they hadn't shown up the way that they wanted to and that they could circle back around and practice their new pattern of behavior. And I gave an example of that a few weeks ago when I talked about breaking the blame defense cycle of a time when Sione and I had done that. If you recall, it was that after not starting a tough discussion the way that we had agreed to, I recognized my mistake, I acknowledged it, I asked if I could circle back around and start that conversation the way that I really wanted to. In this process, I'm not only acknowledging my mistake, but I'm getting to practice doing it the way I really want to do it and to do it the right way. So it's more than even just saying "I'm sorry," it's saying "let me come back, let me show up the way that I want to, let me practice this skill of showing up this way." 

13:30 

So one thing about Sione that I really appreciate is that he had already been doing a lot of his own work to get to a healthier emotional space after his divorce. So when I came around talking about all of this life coaching stuff, he was already pretty up to speed on the concepts. We just needed to get on the same page as far as the vocabulary is concerned, but there have been things that I've been able to give him insight on and at those times, he's really quick to understand what's going on. And he's also quick to move into creating what he really wants. And there are times that he's been able to give me some really great insight, which I appreciate as well. 

14:10 

So here's the thing with us: even though it was a long-distance relationship. We were able to see each other pretty much every two weeks. And we continued to have nightly discussions. We implemented Friday date nights where we could read a chapter in the John Gottman book called "Eight Dates." So in this book each chapter or date is a topic of conversation that would allow some for some pretty vulnerable and intense discussion, and to put icing on the cake, my friends, reading the book was Sione's idea, not mine. He was voluntarily stepping into having these emotional discussions, these vulnerable discussions, and seeking to connect emotionally. That is something that is really important to me: being emotionally connected. And it is important to him as well. While dating long distance, we had opportunities to meet each other's children, to meet siblings, and I met his parents. Of course, my parents are both passed on, so that wasn't an option there. But we met friends and we spent time with them chatting, going to dinner, getting a feel for the kind of people that we both hung out with. Things that are really important, but they can be difficult when you live 1,300 miles apart. 

15:23 

But pretty early on, we were both pretty sure that the other person was our person, and that was part of our conversation from very early on. Very soon after we started our 90 days, part of that is that we have these open and honest communications, and one of those open and honest communications was "I really, really, really, really like you, and I think that this might be it." And we both went there. We didn't beat around the bush. We didn't play games. We were upfront and forthright about our feelings and our thoughts and our fears and our hopes from the very beginning. So a lot of deep conversations, one to two hours on the phone every night. 

16:10 

In fact, those chapters that we covered in that Gottman book I was telling you about, we would discuss those concepts for two and a half to three hours. It was just a lot of really great getting to know each other at a very deep level. So while I was visiting him in Indiana in February, he officially proposed, even though we kind of had talked about it and knew that was coming. And we got married about four weeks later. At the time of recording this, it was just over a week ago. Because, you know, hey, ain't nobody got time to mess. around right? So actually we had planned to get married later but logistically it just worked out better to get married in March and so we did. And here's what I love about us...well, one of the many things. We made decisions about the timing and the when and the how based on what we felt was best for us. We had a lot of people try and tell us that we should be doing things different often because they felt uncomfortable about how we were doing it. But we didn't feel uncomfortable about it at all and we were able to step into a place where we were true to us. And from the very beginning of our relationship we were honest and we were vulnerable. So even our wedding was entirely about our own authenticity and how we wanted to show up. It was so intimate and connecting. 

17:38 

The day before our wedding I was teaching my eighth graders. and they knew I was getting married the next day and they asked about how big my diamond was and I told them I didn't want a diamond so I didn't get one. And the girls were freaking out saying "well you have to have a diamond!" and I was like "well I don't want a diamond." They asked about the flowers and I told them we weren't having flowers and they freaked out. They asked about my colors and I told them we didn't have any colors and they freaked out. They asked about all the people who were coming and I told them we were having it about as small as Utah would allow and that even our children were not coming to the wedding, and they freaked out. And when I told them it would be in my home they freaked out again. And my eighth graders freaked out about everything, but I will say that there have been a lot of people who have expressed a lot of opinions about how it should look and where it should be and who we should invite. And though we respect these people in our lives and we appreciate so much the love and the attentions and the concern that they give to us, in the in the end Sione and I decided to do exactly what felt amazing to us. And I think because we were so true to what we really wanted, it was the perfect day. I don't think either of us could have asked for anything more. 

18:57 

So my third Mr. 90-Day is my last Mr. 90-Day. I have found my person and I am so proud of myself for being in this place. I have worked so hard the last six and a half years to see my stuff, to clean up my stuff, to create healthier ways of thinking and feeling and behaving, to really step into responsibility for my life. I've done some super scary things and I've stepped into courage like I'm not sure I ever thought that I was capable of. Last year my word was "becoming," kind of like my theme or my mantra for the year. And last year I became someone at the end of the year who was completely different than the person I was at the beginning. I remember a year ago January looking back at the last year and thinking "oh my gosh, this has got to be my biggest year of growth ever. I just don't know that I could ever grow more than I have in this year," and then last year happened and I was just like "what the what?" And then I was like "I think this was my biggest year," and now I look at this year, how it's shaping up. So far it's April and I'm just like "whoo yeah, already my growth game this year in stepping into, the courage..." and that's my word this year, was "courage" and I've already had so many opportunities to step into the courage and it is growing me as a person. 

20:30 

Another space of courage that I'm stepping into in June, I will say goodbye to the classroom where I have loved working with eighth graders for 12 years and I'm going to step into coaching full-time. And this is something available to me, not only because I'm married and I have a husband now who has a job, but because my business has grown to where I'm now making more money coaching than I am as a teacher. I have been doing my work, my emotional work and my business work, and it has paid off. I've been podcasting for three years every single week, and I've been writing emails every week, and I've been engaging in other ways. So I'm really, really proud of myself and the work that I've done to get here, and to be able to create a really healthy relationship. Sione and I absolutely know that we're going to have struggles and challenges in our marriage. That's the nature of a marriage, right? We have 53 years of tough marriage between us. We know that it's tough. We know that it can be hard. But we also have a whole new set of tools that neither of us had before. 

21:45 

The brilliant thing about the 90-Day is that it got us in really quick to find out if we were a good fit. And we found that we were, and I love that. But this is the other thing. This concept of 90-Days does not have to be confined to just dating. So if you've been married for a long time and you're like, "Oh, well that's all nice and sweet for her. This doesn't have anything to do with me," I want you to consider that it might. I really believe that any relationship can benefit from having some of the same discussions that we have had about patterns of behavior, about being able to circle back around and try again, about offering grace to the other person when they struggle, about being so open and honest on all the little things, the backburner issues, that there are few miscommunication issues to create frustration. And so I want you to kind of look at this  concept of a 90-day relationship and look at it at your in your relationship, wherever you are, and it could be a relationship with a friend, it could be with a child, it could be with anybody, but I want you to take an opportunity to say "what's something that we could do differently for 90 days that would make a huge impact in my marriage" and and start looking at creating something different. 

23:16 

Here's one last thing that I really really love about my relationship with Sione that I want to share with you. Getting married wasn't and isn't the goal. Getting married actually just starts us on the path to creating what we ultimately want, and that is a deeply and emotionally intimate partnership that we both dream of. That's the goal and that is going to take us a lifetime 

and we feel like we have a pretty awesome beginning. When we look at how great it is and also realize that we're at the beginning of this journey, we know we need to continue to seek awareness and honesty. A phrase that we often use is that "as great as this is right now, it may feel like an eight, but what if we're only at a two? What if we're really just a two instead of an eight?" That gives us so much space for growth, both individually and together, and I feel very blessed to have found someone who wants to create the kind of relationship that I do. Because you know, we're all different we all have different things that we love and that we appreciate. And I have found my person who loves and appreciates things the way I do. I love the idea that as great, great, great as it feels and as it seems right now, what if we're only at a two? And in two years, where we have grown and progressed so much, we'll be able to look back and say "well now we think we're at an eight, but what if we're really only at a two?" And I love this continued space of possibility that we're creating for ourselves. 

25:05 

So the 90-day was a pretty awesome experience for me three times this year. And I learned a lot from it. And third time was the charm for me. So anyway, just wanted to share that story with you and, the experience, I guess it's not a story, but share with you my experience and and how it really was just such a beautiful sweet experience. And all these things that we talk about I've been able to implement in my relationship with Sione. We are constantly talking about them, constantly seeking to implement them and I appreciate than you know that I found somebody who loves this kind of stuff as much as I do. It's a brilliant, beautiful space. And there we go, that's what I wanted to share with you today. I wish you all the best, my friends. Have a great, great week and I will see you next time. Bye. 

26:02 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.