00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 193, "No Back Burner Issues." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Got some good stuff but before I share that, I just want to do a little celebration with you. This week marks three years since I've been doing my podcast. Three years of showing up every single week. I'm so proud of myself. Who knew that I would have that in me? I love it and just I love doing this podcast so much. It's gotten easier and I just never run out of things that I want to talk to you about. It's kind of amazing. People ask me all the time, "how do you ever run out?" And I'm like, "no, there's always something." My brain knows that I'm looking for podcast information all the time and so my brain's looking for it and it just shows up and I love it. So thank you for joining me on this journey. It has been so fun for me. 

01:11 

Also, if you've not left me a review yet, will you please go to either iTunes or Spotify and do that? That would be really, really fabulous and it's a great way for you to contribute to the world and help share a message that is helping you to become a better person and move into a more satisfying and fulfilling life. It's a way to help share that with other people and help them get the same thing and doesn't cost you a penny and it helps me out as well. So that would be really, really great. 

01:39 

Okay, so here we go. Jumping in today, no back burner issues. So let's see, when I was married, I never talked about so many things that needed to be talked about. I saw it as my responsibility to keep the peace, to not rock the boat. And though there were many times that I did not keep the peace and I did rock the boat, my general rule of thumb was to keep quiet and to not say anything. And at the time, I thought that this was a very good thing because there was not outward contention, although there was a lot of internal contention. So he and I didn't fight, so it did cut down on the contention and I didn't feel like I was being a naggy wife. But I'll tell you what, it was so destructive. And it was destructive because of all the things I wanted to say that were left unsaid. And they festered in my heart and created resentment. And they festered in my mind and they grew in both places. It's not like they were just there...it's like they start growing. And all of the resentment for not being heard took over my heart. 

02:45 

But here's the thing: I felt really neglected because I didn't feel like I was being seen or heard in my marriage. But the ironic piece of that is that I was the one who was not speaking up. I was the one who wasn't standing up. No wonder I wasn't being seen or heard. I was neglecting myself. By not talking about the things that came up, I was neglecting me, but I was blaming 

my ex-husband for the neglect and for not seeing me or hearing me. Do you see what we do? We create these situations. I was blaming him for neglecting me, but what I was really doing was neglecting myself. It's really incredible. So it was very dysfunctional behavior and it added to the dysfunction of the overall marriage. However, not wanting to be seen as a complainer or as a whiner or as a naggy wife, I didn't speak up. And I'm here today to talk about why we need to speak up and how to do it in a productive way. And this is called no back burner issues. 

04:00 

So about a year ago, I embarked on my first 90-Day Relationship. So one of the first rules that he and I put into place was that we could have no back burner issues, meaning that everything got talked about. Everything. Because here's the deal: when we start deciding that some things are small and not worth talking about, it can start getting really muddy deciding 

when something has gotten big enough that we need to talk about it. "How do we know if it's worth talking about or it's not?" And so pretty soon we're letting things slide until they become so big in our heart and in our mind that we explode and it feels unmanageable. Let me give you an example from someone I am currently coaching. And I will let you know that I'm sharing this experience with permission. So this woman is a stay-at-home mom and her youngest kids are teens. She has a story in her head about how her contributions to the family are not as big as her husband's or as important as her husband's since he's the one that makes almost all of the money. And in a casual conversation trying to be funny several weeks ago,  her husband mentioned that she cooked dinner but he wasn't really sure what else she did during the day. Now this was in no way meant to be hurtful to her. He was just, you know, making a comment and being a little bit silly. But it bothered her that he said that and she put it on the back burner and she decided not to talk to her husband about it. 

05:29 

And so what did she start doing? What we would all start doing. She starts mulling it over in her head and she got more and more upset and more and more hurt as the weeks went on. She was having a hard time seeing her husband's good qualities because she was up to her eyeballs in feeling frustrated and it was growing and growing by the day. And by the time she talked to him, she had created this huge story in her mind about how insensitive he was. And she confirmed the story in her head about her contribution to their life as not being as big or as important as his contribution. So I want you to notice what's going on here. She was creating what we call a "vertical relationship" and as she was creating it all in her head. A "vertical relationship" Is one in which we put ourselves In either a one-up or a one-down position. So in this instance, she was putting herself in a one-down position, meaning that she felt she was lower than or less than her husband. Vertical relationships are damaging. They absolutely do not allow for connection. And only when we create horizontal relationships, meaning we are on equal footing in an equal space, do we create the connection that we need for real partnership or friendship. 

06:50 

And by the time she talked to her husband about it, It had been festering for about three weeks. And I know that probably every one of us can understand this at some level and see how this goes on. So an innocent, albeit thoughtless, comment on his part had created three weeks of drama for her and he had no idea. He didn't even know. And when she did say something, he felt horrible. He apologized and he also really sought to understand how his comment had been Interpreted by her and why it was hurtful for her, why it was difficult for her when he said that. And here's a huge thing: he came to understand her better and her struggle with feeling like she's an equal partner in their marriage because of their different roles. And he came to understand that she struggles to see herself as an equal partner in that place, in their marriage. And now that he understands her struggle, he can work hard to make sure that he does not add to the struggle by saying comments like the one that he did. So she will have the struggle until she reconciles it in her own heart and mind. So there's a discrepancy that she sees in the contributions they are making but now he won't be adding to the work that she needs to do. So she still has work to do to reconcile this for herself. 

08:20 

But it's amazing how something seemingly small can become something so big when we put it on the back burner. It's as though it just sits there and it starts to ferment and then we just keep throwing more things into that pot because now our brain is looking for evidence that our spouse is thoughtless and insensitive and mean. And before we know it, the pot on the back burner is overflowing with stinky, rotting thoughts. So for this coaching client...the problem started with one small statement made by her spouse. It would have been super easy for her to discuss it with her husband that night. And it would have been done. It would have been resolved. But instead she put it on the back burner and she went through three weeks of struggle and frustration and bad thoughts about her husband. And once she talked to him, it was resolved in a matter of 15 minutes, if even that, right? She created this huge problem in her head by not talking to him. Communication cleans up this stinky pot of crap on the back burner. It's almost as if saying it out loud helps us to see our things for what they are. 

09:31 

In this particular situation, she had made herself a victim to her husband's comment. And if there's a victim, then guess what? There has to be a villain, which in her story was her husband. So this is the story that she created. And this is a vertical relationship where there is no connection. He's a villain. He's higher. She's a victim. She's lower. No connection can be made there. But when she finally chose to stop being the victim and step into the role of hero, then she became the hero of her own story. She was no longer a victim. She chose to have the conversation. And here's the key to her success in this discussion with her husband. She did not come out with guns blazing, accusing her husband of all the things she had been thinking the past three weeks. She approached him with what we call "owning her own." She identified that she was struggling, that she knew it was her thoughts about her family and her home contributions that caused her to respond to his comment. She didn't blame him. She didn't accuse him. She owned that this was her own struggle. 

10:40 

So when this happens, there's a much lower chance of the other person getting defensive. Alright. Now, obviously we can't control the other person, but if they're not feeling it, attacked, chances that they're not going to feel a defensive or higher.  And when she was telling this to her husband, when she said it out loud, she could see the flaws in her thinking more clearly. When we keep it in our heads, we spin and we create and we multiply. But this situation is shame-based, meaning she feels shame for her role, feeling like it makes her less than her husband and that that reflects on her worth, meaning that she is worth less than her husband. So shame is a feeling that says that "I am bad. I am worthless." So the best thing we can do when we feel shame is to speak it out loud, because shame thrives in the dark and it shrivels in the light. And she saw that when she didn't speak her shame of feeling less than it just grew and grew and grew, right? In those three weeks before she said anything, as soon as she said something, it shriveled down to almost nothing. By speaking it out loud to her husband, it became smaller and she could see it for what it was. A thoughtless comment made by her husband, and one that he really felt so bad for saying...it was quickly resolved. It's pretty amazing how this works. 

12:06 

And here's an experience from what I've learned from my own experiences last year with having had three 90-Day relationships in the last 12 months. Having not been good at speaking up in my first marriage, I knew that it was an imperative skill if I wanted to have not just a healthy and a functional relationship, but a thriving intimate partnership, which is my goal. I don't want just a regular relationship, right? I want something that is deep and intimate and connecting. And relationship number one for me, my first 90-Day, I was terrified to talk about things, and not because of him. He was a great listener. He was really terrific at creating space, but because of me, my own fears, I was afraid that it would hurt him and it would break down the relationship and I would become somebody that he didn't want to have a relationship because I was being naggy or whatever. That was a big thing, obviously, in my brain, right? I brought it up several times, right? But actually just the opposite happened. It actually strengthened and sustained the relationship when I would talk about things. I remember being so intimidated and scared, but I also knew that the only way to create the kind of relationship that I wanted was to have an open and honest communication about everything. So I couraged up and it was super hard. It was scary, but I just did it anyway. 

13:32 

And I will tell you the results were amazing. It cleaned up my thoughts and my heart. It made it easier for him to know the real me and it kept big conflicts out of our relationship because everything was discussed when it was small. Okay, we didn't have big conflicts, but I will tell you, looking back, I did have some back burner issues because I was so scared. And a lot of times I wouldn't even recognize that they were issues going on because I was so used to just explaining them away and saying "not a big deal. I can deal this," and so a lot of times I didn't even see it until later. And so sometimes I would hold on to things a little longer than I wanted to. But I learned and I grew and I got a lot of practice in. 

14:17 

So Cloud and Townsend, who are the authors of the book "Boundaries", they talk about this using the words "hurt" and "harm." We may need to do things that cause short-term hurt, like talking about something that will be hard for our partner to hear or our child or our friend, whatever, right? But long-term it does not cause any harm. In fact, it actually protects the relationship. But the opposite is also true when we avoid short-term hurt. But by not speaking up, we create long-term harm. The issues get bigger and they get blown out of proportion. And we create these huge, huge drama stories in our head. So the best way to protect our relationships is to have no back burner issues. So in my second 90-Day relationship, I was able to continue this pattern of learning how to speak up, but it was easier because, well, practice, right? I had practice and it became easier. And now in my third 90-Day relationship that I'm currently in right now, it is really easy for me to bring up the small stuff immediately. Well, okay. I guess "really easy" is a relative term. Okay? It's still sometimes is challenging for me and I still resist it a little bit, but I also recognize that is so valuable and it creates the kind of relationship that I want to create when I do. So at this point, it's part of what he and I do. It's the pattern of behavior that we have created in this relationship. 

15:48 

But as mentioned before, when things come up, they're not brought up in an accusatory way. There is no blaming allowed. That's part of the rule. The goal when bringing up problems is to get really clear beforehand on owning my own stuff about it. I need to know how am I feeling? Why am I feeling that way? What thoughts am I having that are creating those feelings? And what actions or behaviors have my feelings led me to? And it helps me to be really clear on me, on my thoughts and feelings and actions and then present my discussion by owning how it's working for me. 

16:25 

So let me give you just a recent example. I'm not going to give you any really sorted details here, but I want to tell you just a  week ago in this relationship, something happened and I was really hurt and I found myself at first sitting on the sofa while he was busy taking care of some other business and I was just scrolling, scrolling, scrolling on my phone. And all of a sudden I went "whoa, okay. I want to do something productive." So I got a book and I started reading and pretty soon I was like, "Whoa, what is this? Like I'm buffering. I'm avoiding feeling the emotions. I'm doing an outward behavior, scrolling on my phone or reading to try and avoid the inside emotions." Okay. So I have that going on. And when I realized that I said, "okay, I just need to feel the emotions. I need to connect with this for a minute." So I went to the bedroom and I laid down and then I just allowed myself to feel all of the feelings, meaning that there were some tears. There was some real pain, like my chest really hurt inside. Okay? And I just allowed myself about five minutes of just feeling all the feels. And once the initial overwhelm of the emotions subsided, then I had more clarity. And then I took the time to really think through the situation. 

17:46 

So I identified my thoughts and my feelings and I got really clear on what had happened that I was okay with and what I was not okay with about what happened in the situation. And then I began to get really clear on my own thoughts and feelings about it. So later on when we were able to come back together that same day, right? "No back burner issues" is what we say all the time. So as soon as we got back together, I was able to clearly share how I had felt, what my thoughts were, and how I wish things had gone down differently than they did. And I realized that I was a little bit tentative just because it's still hard for me to share all of that. But I wasn't really that scared to have the conversation. I saw it. I see it now as a necessary step to protecting our relationship and creating deeper connection. And it was a brilliant experience. We were able to have a really open and honest conversation where neither of us moved into defensiveness. We took an issue when it was small, albeit large in emotion...I will tell you I had some pretty large emotions about it, but we talked about it when it was small and we cleaned it up. Before my brain had a chance to start creating all of this drama around it, right? We were both able to see what we could do differently next time around, because there will be a next time around, right? And we were able to reconfirm our commitment to each other and to doing what is best for our relationship. 

19:20 

And when we were done with the conversation, the connection between us was much deeper because now he knew things about me, my fears and my insecurities, that I was able to share with him that may not have come up in, guess what, any other circumstance. And now I knew things about him as well that helped me to know him more intimately. So keeping things off of the back burner not only protects the relationship, but it also creates a space for deeper connection and intimacy. It creates room for the relationship to grow and to deepen. 

19:55 

Here's the deal, my friends. I want you to consider making a no back burner resolution in your own relationships, whether your relationship be your marriage relationship or a parent child or a friendship. Start with one relationship and start resolving that there will be no back burner issues. For some of you, this will be easy peasy, right? You've already had the skill of speaking up and talking about all the things. For some of you like me, this will be incredibly difficult at first and scary and it will feel painful. But I promise you, it will be worth it. Now, the other person you're working with may not have the skill set yet to respond in a really great way. And that's okay. We have no control over how the other person shows up, but we do have control over how we show up, and the dance steps that we choose to dance. And when we show up honest and open and vulnerable, when we dig deep for courage and strength and we do something that we know is for the betterment of our relationships, we always feel better. And when we change the dance steps for a better dance, our partner has to respond somehow. It's going to do something to move the relationship, hopefully in a better space, right? What we can ultimately control is us, how we show up. 

21:23 

So my friends, focus on the kind of person that you really want to be. Focus on doing your part to create what you really want to create. It might be scary, but I promise you it is worth it and you are worth it. And the personal growth you will experience in stepping into this space will bless every other area of your life. You will make a change in one small in one relationship and it filters out into other areas for your life. I promise you this is some of the brilliance of growing up. This is what middle age has to offer us: a chance to kind of start all over and to create something new and something amazing. That's what I have for you this week. 

22:11 

Okay. If you need some help with this, my friends, this is what I do. I'm getting so good at it, not just with coaching, but in my personal life and it's so freaking amazing. I love it. So if you would like to set up a free 30 minute consult to talk to me  about your situation and we can talk about how coaching can help you, please go to tanyahale.com. You can sign up there for that free consult and we can get together. We can chat. We can figure out how to help move you into a better space. Okay. That is going to do it for me, my friends. Have a really, really awesome week and I will see you next time. Bye! 

22:47 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!