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Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 189, "Patterns of Behavior." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hello there, everyone. Welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you here with me. We're just going to jump right in today. We are talking about patterns of behavior. So we're going to start off by discussing about how our primitive brain really likes patterns, our primitive brain really likes habits. One reason why is because it loves to conserve energy. And if our brain establishes a pattern or a habit, then it does not have to create anything new and this is very efficient for the brain. Our brain doesn't have to rethink, it doesn't have to re-decide, it doesn't have to weigh all the options, it just gets to do what comes easily without creating something new. But one of the tricky things about this is that there is no filter in our primitive brain of what's good or bad. And so if the pattern of behavior is a destructive one, our primitive brain doesn't manage that and doesn't look at that and go, "oh this isn't going to serve us very well." That's our prefernal cortex. But our primitive brain is the place where the patterns are created. So these destructive patterns can become our go-to. And because our brain likes the same stuff, because it's efficient, it's going, we will end up doing it unconsciously. And we will have these patterns of behavior that we don't even know are happening. 

01:50 

So to change these patterns, we first have to become aware of the patterns. And this can be very tricky because again, our primitive brain is the place where our primitive brain doesn't want to show us things that will make us less efficient. And becoming aware of a pattern that we may want to change makes us less efficient because then we have to expend the energy to change it. So going back to the safe space of awareness that we talked about last week, if awareness doesn't feel safe, our primitive brain is going to avoid or resist bringing it forward. But change obviously requires that we bring it forward, that we become aware of the patterns of behavior that are not serving us. And every single one of us is going to find that we have patterns of behavior that don't serve us well. It may be in how we engage in conflict or how we one up or one down in relationships with others. Maybe it's in how we judge other people or how we look for things to be offended by. What happens is that these patterns are so comfortable for us that we don't even notice them happen in our lives unconsciously. We put them into motion. And if they're good, healthy patterns, that's a great thing. But if they're destructive patterns, that is not so great. 

03:12 

And I will tell you that in my marriage, I implemented a lot of destructive patterns, all in the name of protecting myself. And because I was unconsciously deploying these patterns, I was so confused in my marriage, I could not figure out what was going wrong. Why couldn't we just get along? Why couldn't two good people just have a good marriage? Why couldn't we figure it out? And about six years ago, I started to change my life, after I got divorced, through a lot of greater awareness and coaching. And I've learned a lot of things that have strengthened my relationships with my children, and with my siblings, and with friends, and with people I date. 

03:57 

But what I want to talk about right now specifically is what I've learned this last year, literally starting January last year, that has increased my understanding of how to really create the kind of relationship that I think that most of us crave. So we all have this innate desire to really connect with other human beings. And specifically with one other human being to have somebody in our lives to love. And this is one reason why so many of us have children, even though, in almost every way, it does not make logical sense to have children. They are a lot of money, they are a lot of time, they are a lot of energy, they destroy everything, they make everything dirty, right? We give up so much of our own pursuits to have children. But we do it because of this deep, almost intuitive, desire within ourselves to have children, and to give them everything and to love them like we've never loved before. And we often have the same desire in having another person in our lives, a significant person. So we go out, we try and find this person, we hitch our wagons together, and we begin living our lives together very often through marriage. 

05:21 

And sometimes we have some amazing skills between the two of us to create a deep partnership. And sometimes we don't have amazing skills between the two of us to create this deep partnership. And there are times that our spouse will say something thoughtless and we will start to put up protective walls. Our primitive brain begins to anticipate hurt and starts protecting us even before we're aware of it, especially if our spouse continually says something thoughtless. Sometimes our brain can start creating these patterns of protection before we're aware and we'll start implementing them before we're even consciously aware of the fact that we're doing it. And it does not take very long in some marriages. Mine being one, before we have these protective patterns of behavior that are not healthy. And yet, we're completely aware of them. But they keep us showing up in ways that are not helpful. And this is where I was in the space where I'm like, "I don't get it. I don't understand what's going on here. I don't know why we can't make this work." Because of these patterns of behavior that were having me show up in ways that were not helpful. 

06:37 

So managing conflict is a common area for this in a lot of our relationships. As soon as our person says "we need to talk," we might feel our chest tighten. We may start to breathe more heavily. Our defenses start to come up so that we respond defensively rather than with curiosity. Even before the real talk has begun. But our brain is already going into a protective pattern because it doesn't want us to get hurt. And our brain may think it is protecting us. And maybe in some instances it is. But in so many cases, it is preparing us for battle in something that doesn't need to be a battle. It needs to be a space of communication, a safe space. And so unconsciously we engage in these defensive patterns that we've created that break down, or at the very least they stalemate our relationship. 

07:33 

But here's what I've learned specifically this last year as I've begun engaging in these 90-Day Relationships that I've talked about. Patterns can absolutely be changed. They are not set in stone. Changing my awareness around my patterns began a little over a year ago when I was working with my life coach and these concepts were coming up. And she helped me to see 

thought patterns about how I was thinking about relationships that were false. And she helped me see many of my own patterns that were very harmful to my previous marriage. 

08:11 

So when I engaged in my first 90-Day Relationship, we started off by intentionally discussing the patterns that we wanted to create rather than just unconsciously letting our brains go into past patterns and start implementing them. We discussed in depth about how we wanted to address conflict, what we would discuss, which was everything: that there would be no back burner issues ever. And then we discussed, when these issues were brought to the forefront, we discussed how each person 

would show up and respond to the issue at hand. The person sharing the issue, how were they supposed to share it? The person hearing the issue, how were they supposed to hear it and respond? So we also discussed how to allow grace for each person to make mistakes and to circle back around and try it again without shame and without judgment. So what we did is we took some of our worst patterns of behavior from our previous marriage, we identified those, and then we decided on new patterns of behavior that we wanted to implement instead. And we made these new patterns our go-to in the new relationship. 

09:23 

And it took a lot of intentional awareness to not drop into the past patterns. But because we had a plan, it was an amazing success. That was such a brilliant relationship for me. And both of us found that we were capable of showing up in a way that we had never shown up before, of creating a kind of emotionally intimate relationship that had not been available to us. We had tough discussions where we implemented our new patterns. And we created a relationship like we'd never had. So we intentionally created a safe space for each other and we created new patterns that allowed this. And then I had a 90-Day Relationship number two and we implemented a lot of the same stuff because I was still learning how to implement these and he was needing some help implementing them as well. And so that continued to give me practice doing that. And now I'm in number three, 90-Day Relationship. And I'm seeing the fruits of my labors at this point. I'm seeing my new patterns manifest in an amazing way because I've already practiced them so much. 

10:40 

So for one, I'm now super aware of many past patterns and how they showed up. I can see the ones that were harmful. I can see well some of them. I'm sure I'm going to have loads of them still come up that that I haven't seen yet. But I can start to see how my conscious awareness is creating a safe space for myself. Kind of what we talked about last week, right? That has  paid off in bringing these patterns to the forefront of my brain. My brain is not freaked out about showing me harmful patterns because it knows that I'm going to be compassionate and kind to myself. So I also see how my new patterns that I have practiced have taken such a strong hold in my brain. 

11:24 

So in my current relationship, there have been a few times that I've seen myself start to go into a past pattern and then immediately it feels very foreign and very awkward to me because those behaviors, those past patterns, have not been part of this relationship. And so my brain's like, "whoa, that doesn't fit here. This is the wrong piece for this puzzle," right? And it's pretty brilliant how with this new relationship, since those past destructive patterns have never been a part of this, they they don't fit. They feel foreign. So we decided at the beginning of our relationship how we wanted to behave and engage and we created patterns based on that. And now that is the norm for this relationship. And part of the brilliance of awareness is that we can change things at any time. We don't have to get divorced and start a new relationship to change patterns. Even if you've been married for 40 years, this concept can enhance your relationship and help you create something different, if you feel like that's something that you want to do. It's just a process of creating awareness around patterns in your current relationship that don't serve you well and making a conscious decision of how to create new patterns that will. 

12:56 

And here's even better news: if your spouse thinks that you're crazy and doesn't want to do this with you, guess what? They don't have to, because when one person changes the dance steps the whole dance changes, The other person has to make some adjustments in order to continue on. So you alone can choose to change a pattern behavior. And if you tend to get defensive when your spouse acts a certain way, create awareness around that. Watch for the opportunities, look for the warning signs, look for like...does your your heart start racing? Do you know? Does your neck or your ears or your cheeks get hot? Look for these and intentionally decide what to do differently. Decide what new pattern you'd rather engage in. For example, you might choose intentionally to get curious, to just start asking all the questions, rather than let that defensive wall come up so quickly where you're not even aware that that's happening. So being aware that the defense has come up and then deciding, "okay, as soon as I start feeling that hotness in my chest and coming up into my neck, I'm going to realize that that's my signal to back off. Let's ask some questions." 

14:12 

So if you tend to shut down emotionally when your spouse brings something up, choose to implement the pattern of looking for the truth in what they're saying. If your pattern is to always say "no" or hesitate when it comes to emotional or physical intimacy, decide instead to start saying "yes" from a place of a desire to create that deeper intimacy. Just because we have a pattern doesn't mean it has to control our life. We still get to choose. We don't have to let our primitive brain run the show with patterns that don't serve as well. We can engage in actively seeking for and shifting patterns that are not helping us create what we want to. And we can do this by asking ourselves more questions, looking for the truth in the things that others might say to us, or even working with a coach, as my job is to show you patterns that you may not see that you are struggling to see, right? So once you've identified some of these non-helpful patterns, then make a conscious decision about how you want to show up differently. 

15:24 

So let's put it in the thought model, decide what result you want for your relationship, and then work backwards. So if we decide what result we want, then we're gonna say, "well, what action creates the result, what feeling creates those actions, and what thought creates that feeling?" So let me give you an example. So let's say you've noticed a pattern of ignoring your spouse's work, or complaining about their extracurricular activities, okay? And you decide that you want to create a pattern of being more supportive around your spouse. So the result line, what we ultimately wanna create, is that you are more supportive of his endeavors, whether it be work or play, okay? That's what you want to create. So then we're gonna go to the action line. We're gonna say, "okay, so what actions do I need to engage in in order to create the result of being more supportive?" Well, you could ask more questions. You could actually listen to his answers. You could go to the activities that he's engaging in. You could do the activities with him, if possible. You could learn a new skill to be able to participate with him. Well, what feeling is going to create those kinds of actions? And I would say that would be a feeling of love, right? Now, there may be other ones, but for me, if I really love someone, I want to engage with them in those kinds of actions. 

16:52 

And then we get to the thought, and this where it all starts, right? What thought do I need to have about my spouse and his activities that would create a feeling of love? And a thought that would work for me would be, "I have his back. I want to be  supportive of him." So notice that how you show up doesn't depend on how he shows up at all. And that, my friends, is the brilliance of the work that we're doing together here. We are learning and choosing to take 100% responsibility for our own behaviors, completely independent of the behaviors of anyone else around us. You can change your own patterns of behavior. You just have to create within yourself that safe space first to see them, then make a plan for how to show up with a new pattern to include doing a thought model like we just did, right? And identifying the thoughts that will serve you in helping to create these new patterns, to create the actions that are going to show up. And then just start looking for every opportunity to practice this new thought that creates the new pattern. 

18:05 

So again, notice that I said practice. Because here's the deal: you are not going to recognize your past pattern of behavior every time. In fact, very often you won't recognize it until after the situation has come and gone and you engaged in your old pattern of behavior in that situation. But that's part of the process. At first you will only see it afterwards. But the brilliance is that now you're seeing it where you didn't see it before. And eventually you'll start seeing it earlier in the process and you can start interrupting the past pattern of behavior. So at first you're only going to see it in the result line, when you see what happens afterwards. But then the more you create awareness, the more you see it happening, the more that you've identified times that, "oh, look what I did today. Oh, look what I did yesterday. I didn't show up. Look what I did an hour ago." Pretty soon you're going to start noticing it in your action line. So it's going to be moving up that model, right? You'll start noticing it in your action line and then you can, at the time, start changing your actions and creating something different. And then after you do that for a while, it's going to start showing up in your feeling line. You're going to start noticing some frustration and you're going to go, "whoa, I don't want to feel frustrated when my spouse asks me if I want to go on a walk or if I want to go on a bike ride with him," rather than you're going to feel frustrated and you're going to go, "whoa, I don't want to feel frustrated here. I want to be more supportive. I want to be more kind. I want to feel love." And then you can, you know, start engaging in the thought like "I really want to have his back. I really want to have a strong connection with him." And then you can change that thought and then pretty soon you're going to start noticing it in the thought line and that's kind of brilliant. That's where we want to start making the change. And so when it starts showing up in our thought line, then we can see that we've really made some progress. 

20:08 

So at first, this is probably going to feel a little bit awkward, right? Because you're moving into this space of creating new patterns. You know, anytime that we're doing something new for the first time, it always feels pretty awkward, right? And we feel like we're just not doing it right. And guess what? That's okay. The step of moving forward here is that at least you recognize that the old pattern happened and you're catching it and you're starting to move into something new. So whether you catch it at the beginning of your old pattern or at the end or somewhere in between, at least you're starting to see it. Those are the steps that need to be celebrated. Those are the pieces that we need to look at ourselves and say, "oh, look what I'm doing. I caught it. I saw it and I changed it. I intentionally made a decision to engage in this new pattern of behavior." 

21:06 

So my friends, be patient. Be consistent and be determined. Your new patterns will create a new relationship with yourself and with the person that you are seeking to create that new relationship with. Promise you it does take work. If you're struggling to create awareness around your patterns of behavior, let's chat, because I can help you see things that you don't see. That's what I do and I'm not just going to sit back in our coaching sessions and "go, oh, that sounds so lovely," because guess what? It doesn't sound lovely and I can see things that you won't see. And I'm always loving and kind as I share it with you, but I'm also going to be pretty straightforward and honest in saying, "listen, this is controlling behavior. This is where you're stepping into victim mode." I'm going to be pretty darn honest with you. And I hope that you're up for the task, because what we create when we start implementing new patterns of behavior is brilliant. And midlife is the perfect time to start making so many of these changes because I think that we're just more prepared. I think we can see things we couldn't see before and our lives open up in ways that they haven't before. We have less children in our home. We have more free time. We oftentimes have more money. Right? So this is a great thing. I love, love growing up into middle-age and I hope you'll join me in this, this delightful process. 

22:49 

Okay. If you want to book a free consult with me, you can go to tanyahale.com and you can just go to the...I don't remember, there's a button on there at the top. You'll see what the name is, but click on there. Set up a consult and let's talk about how coaching can help you move into a better space. I know it can. It has changed my life so significantly, I can hardly believe it  sometimes. I look back at where I was at the person that I've become, and not that I'm perfect, I have a long, long way to go, but I am so grateful for the Atonement of Christ that has allowed me to see so many of my past patterns of behavior and to start creating new ones. It's such an option and it's such a beautiful, amazing experience and I'm so grateful for the path that has brought me here to you today. So that's going to do it for me. I hope that you have a really, really brilliant and beautiful day and I will talk to you next time. See you later. Bye. 

24:09 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.