Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 188, "A Safe Space for Awareness." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright, hello there, my sweet friends. So glad to have you here today. Alright, two pieces really quick I want to talk about. If you have not left me a review and you are a consistent listener, I would love to have you do that. I think you can now leave reviews on Spotify and you can leave them on iTunes and what that does is it helps other people to find this podcast, things that are going to help other people who are similar to you. So you can share this with your friends, you can leave a review and that helps people to find this. It's just a really great way to help me build my business and a great way for other people to find information that's going to help them step into better lives as well. 

01:05 

The second thing is if you have not signed up for my "weekend win" email, I would love to have you do that. You can go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can go to the "contact me" tab at the top, scroll down just a tiny bit and there will be a place that says "subscribe to my newsletter." And I just send an email out every week with just some thoughts I've been thinking about, hopefully something that can be read in like a minute or less. Just my goal for that is to give you an idea of something that you can implement in your life, something that you can think about that might make a slight shift for you. And so that's what we've got going on there. So if you haven't done either of those things, take a minute and do that and make your life just a little bit better and you can help me out at the same time. 

01:53 

OK, so that being said, we are going to jump into today's podcast. I love love this one. This is one that, for the last couple of weeks, I've had some experiences where it kind of got brought back to the forefront of my brain. It's been kind of percolating and little ideas have been coming up and I've been putting this together. And so finally I was just like, "okay, I'm getting this. I'm starting to understand it." I'm calling this podcast "A Safe Space for Awareness." So let's jump in. Alright. I personally have learned to love the word "awareness." I'm going to tell you why. So when we go to the dictionary, first of all, definition we get is "knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists." So my definition that I put onto this is similar, but I see awareness as the very first step to all learning and all growth that happens in our lives. Because this is the space where we become conscious of the deficit or of the need in our life to move into a different space or to create something different. 

03:00 

And I will say that when I was married, there was a huge detriment of awareness. I had very little to no awareness of the things that were going on that were hurting my marriage. I knew that something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was and I didn't know how to find it. My awareness of my own behaviors was just not coming together. And this is the thing, we cannot fix things that we aren't aware of. We cannot make those adjustments because we don't even know they need to be adjusted. And I really thought that I was doing some things pretty well and that most of the issues in my marriage were my former husband. So interesting though that since my divorce, my awareness of my own faults and weaknesses has gone off the charts and my growth has become very fast paced. 

03:57 

So what is happening here? How could I go 24 years in a marriage and see so little of my faults and my weaknesses and then in the last 6 years see so much? So like I said, I've had some ahas last few weeks that have given me some insights and this is what I want to share with you today. I was recently just chatting with someone about the nature of relationships and how when we're in relationships with people, so for example in my case a dating relationship, we choose to look for the best in the other person. But we also need to create a safe space for them to show up imperfectly. Because this safe space for imperfections to be manifested is the key to growth. It's a space where we know that we will be accepted even with our flaws. We won't be punished, we won't be judged, we won't be ridiculed for our flaws. It's a place where we can take all these weaknesses out, we can put them on the table and we can start to sift through them and examine them without fear. 

05:06 

So this atmosphere did not exist in my marriage for either of us. There was no safe space for me to explore my flaws and there was no safe space for my former husband to explore his either. And without that safe space, it was very difficult to see what needed to be seen and to become aware of it. I remember that if my former husband would show a bit of weakness it made me very uncomfortable and I would get very judge-y about how he wasn't righteous enough or how he wasn't smart enough to make a different decision or he wasn't emotionally intelligent enough to connect with people. Okay, how in the world could he have ever felt safe being vulnerable with his struggles in that environment? He absolutely could not have and you know the same space existed for me and I also did not feel safe being vulnerable. So we continued in our dysfunction. Neither of us seeing our shortcomings that were destroying our marriage, and thereby not making any headway in creating something different. Because you can't fix things that you're not aware of. They just continue to exist and continue to create havoc in our lives and neither of us had the awareness of being able to see what weaknesses we were bringing to the marriage that were so destructive. 

06:27 

So maybe with the right assistance, we could have been made aware of things of patterns of behavior of disrespect and unkindness and judgment that were creating this toxic environment. But no counselor that we worked with was in a space to help us really see this and we got divorced because of this unsafe environment. But after my divorce I got to start creating my own environment, and I will tell you that I'm really proud of myself that I created a safe space for myself. It was a place where it was safe for me to start exploring myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors, a place where I didn't ridicule myself or belittle myself for not knowing things that could have helped my marriage. I went in to the new knowledge I was gaining with fascination and with curiosity. I didn't beat myself up for the things that I had done wrong in my marriage or the things that I didn't know. I just moved into a space of exploration and I created my own safe space where I could bring all of my stuff, lay it on on the table, and begin to sift through it a piece at a time. I didn't judge myself about what I put out. I didn't punish or ridicule myself for it. I just started becoming aware of it and looking at it for the first time, because this was the first time that it felt safe for me to have flaws to not be perfect. 

07:56 

Okay, before when I was married, and this was not all my former husband, this was a lot of my own thinking, right, but my brain was convinced that to be loved, I had to be perfect. Okay, I'm not saying that my former husband put that on me. I think it was just me thinking that that's what I had to do. And I'm sure that when I was married, I could have created this safe space for myself, because I absolutely don't believe that we have to get divorced to create this for ourselves. But for some reason, it was not clicking with me when I was married. So again, no judgment or beating myself up over that. It's just where I was at the time. And there was nothing I could do about it after the fact. So creating this safe space for myself has been imperative to my growth these last six plus years. Knowing that whatever I discover about myself that is not in line with the person I want to be, that guess what? It's not a big deal. I can figure it out and I can work through it. I know that I have my back and that I will come out of any situation a better and a stronger person and that I will be kind to myself the whole time. This is a safe space. 

09:12 

So what happens in our brains is that when we feel that a space is not safe, our primitive brain is going to start freaking out a little bit. One of its jobs is to keep us safe, to protect us from danger and discomfort and death, like all the the 3 Ds, right? So if my brain interprets a relationship, whether with myself or with someone else, as unsafe, it will shut down and go into protective mode. It will just seek to do what is the safest thing to do. So in my marriage, for me, that was to hide my flaws from my spouse and from myself. So in the last six years, my brain has come to realize that seeing my flaws is not a scary place. I'm not in danger, right? So if I was criticizing and belittling myself, my brain would switch into protective mode and shut down my awareness. But since I'm being very compassionate with myself when I recognize new flaws, my brain isn't freaked out by them. And so it will offer up more and more suggestions of flaws, knowing that it's a safe space for me to become aware of those flaws. So creating this safe space for me, for myself, has been integral in my growth process. 

10:37 

So first, let's look at ourselves. So are you creating a safe space for your own awareness? Are you a safe space for your brain to bring your faults and weaknesses to the forefront of your brain? If not, this is where you will want to start creating a space of compassion for your own humanity, recognizing that, of course, you will not be perfect. Of course, you will not always get it right. Of course, you will make mistakes and fail a lot. And none of that means anything about your worth as a human  being. All of that actually means that you're doing what you were meant to do here on earth, which is to figure it out. Moving into this space of self-compassion is one of the most amazing things that we can do for our growth because it creates a safe space for our primitive brain, a place where it doesn't see the need to protect us from information that in the past could have made us unsafe with the way that we would talk to ourselves. So first step, create a safe space within you so that your brain will start bringing to your awareness information that will help you grow. 

11:46 

Okay, so now let's put this in the context of a relationship, whether it be a marriage or a dating relationship, a parent/child or some other kind of relationship in your life. Within every relationship that we are engaged in, we are either creating a safe space or an unsafe space for each other. So doing this from our point of view, we are creating a space where the other person feels valued and accepted. Do they feel that if they show a weakness, they will be attacked or ridiculed or rejected? Do they feel that sharing flaws creates distance or connection? The thing is, we get to create the space that we want to for the other person. So let's take a good look at some of our most significant relationships and see what you're creating. Look at these people that mean the most to you in your life. Are you creating this safe space? Can the other person bring up a concern and we receive it with curiosity? Can the other person tell us about a failed endeavor and find support and encouragement? Can the other person identify a weakness of theirs and we lovingly and kindly accept them and feel compassion for their struggle? What kind of space are you creating in these relationships? It can be so easy to move into a space of judgment when we see the flaws and weaknesses of people we love or that we're struggling to love, right? 

13:19 

So let me put this in a thought model so that you can see. So let's say that the circumstance is that our spouse shares a weakness, a character weakness, with us. Our thought may be, "oh, they are weak and pathetic," in which case that would create a feeling of disgust and then the action would be that we don't listen. We shut them down. We judge them. We might ridicule them. Do you see how we show up in our action line? That's how we show up when we are not creating a safe space. And yet if we can learn to step out of judgment to embrace love, compassion, and acceptance for them and for all of their humanness, we create a safe space for them to see their flaws and their weaknesses. The model I just shared with you is not a safe space when we're not listening, when we're shutting them down, when we're judging them, when we're ridiculing them. So this safe space for them begins with engaging with those flaws and weaknesses if they choose and then they can begin to make adjustments or not. They may not make any adjustments when we create this safe space. Our job, though, in creating this safe space is not to change the other person. or even to have expectations that the other person is going to change. Our job in this context is just to love them, to create that compassionate space where they feel safe to become aware of and explore their weakness. Rarely will we make the changes and improvements that we want or need to make in an unsafe space. Our brain will resist even the awareness of our flaws and weaknesses if it means that it will put us in a dangerous space. 

15:13 

So if you realize that you are not creating the kind of space you would like to, how do we begin to create this safe space in our relationships? Okay, so first, find a place of gratitude in your heart for the relationship. Identify what you love about this person and why you want to strengthen the relationship. Gratitude has an amazing way of softening our hearts and preparing us for compassion. And then second, draw upon that compassion for humans doing the best they know how. I don't know if I have ever met a person who is intentionally sabotaging their lives and their relationships. I think most of us are doing the best we know how with the tools we have. We all just have such different backgrounds and paths and stories and understandings from a person's perspective. Being human means we will have a lot of flaws, a lot of weaknesses, and a lot of imperfections. And giving others grace for their humanity is a vital step in creating this safe space. Alright, so third, communicate your acceptance in both words and behaviors. Let's put that in a thought model just so we can see how it works. 

16:33 

Okay, circumstance: spouse shares a weakness with us. And our thought could be, "I love and accept all of them." Feeling then that we would create with that thought would be acceptance, and then our actions would be that we would tell them, we would show them, we would listen to them, we wouldn't judge them, we would embrace them. Right? So again, let's let 

me just do another thought. Okay. Circumstance: spouse shows us a weakness, tells us about a weakness. Thought: "I know it can be hard for them to show me their weakness." Feeling: compassion. The action that that feeling creates is that we listen, we don't judge, we show forth greater kindness, we embrace them. Right? Our thoughts are so powerful. So if we can manage our thoughts and then communicate it, there we go. So here's some other thoughts that you can think. "I love them  for being vulnerable. I want them to be able to trust me. I want to be their safe space. I'm so grateful we can grow together." When you show up accepting and loving and compassionate, it can't help but shift the relationship. When one person changes the dance steps, the other person has to make adjustments as well. 

18:03 

Fourth, be willing to be the first one to step into this vulnerability. If this has not been a hallmark of your relationship, make the first small steps. Stepping into a space where you're unsure can be super scary, but if you've gone months or even years, someone has to be courageous enough to start the process and you are the perfect person to do it. Start the process. Get it moving. Start creating a safe space for this person in your life. And last, remember that it might take some time for trust to build. So be patient. Remember that you are showing up the way you want to, not to change them, but to change yourself. This isn't about changing the other person. This is about changing us. They may take a long time to trust you enough to step into this space and honestly, they may never step into it. But even that is okay because you will have learned to create your own safe space where you can engage with your faults and weaknesses. You will have changed as a person. Awareness comes when there's a safe space for it to come to. And you get to create that safe space through kindness and compassion, through acceptance and love. 

19:33 

So whether it's just for you or whether it's for a relationship, I promise you will not regret the effort put into accessing greater awareness. You will change as a person, you will become a better version of yourself, in creating that safe space for yourself and in learning to create that safe space for the other person in the relationship. This, my friends, is the beauty of growing up and this is why I love growing up into middle-age so much. I love that these pieces start fitting together and that we start seeing things that we never saw before, that I just don't even think our minds were capable of seeing. We have the power and the capacity to change our relationships for the better in middle age. Don't give up. Don't go sit in your rocker and think you just need to write it out. Step into this this work, start creating a safe space for yourself and a safe space for the people in your life that you love so much. I promise you, you will not regret it. 

20:51 

Okay, if you would like a free consult with me, you can go to tanyahale.com and you can book a free 30 minute consult and we can talk about coaching. We can talk about all the things. How to create greater awareness, how to create this safer space. It's so vital that we move into this and I know that you can do it and I know that I can help you. This is what I do as a coach and I love it and I want to help you. If you need help stepping into this, let's chat and let's see how we can get coaching working for you. Okay, my friends, that is going to do it. Have a really, really terrific week and I will talk to you next time. Bye. 

21:37 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.