Tanya Hale 00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 185, "The Impact of Personal Growth." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

Tanya Hale 00:22 

Well, hey there, welcome to the podcast today. So happy to have you here. I have a very special guest today. So you've met my daughter Allison before. If you have listened back in the early days to "Divorce and The Kids," Allison is the one that I interviewed and today I'm interviewing her again because I've had some experiences lately where I have seen her growth and her development in a way that has just blown me away. And we talked about the impact of my personal growth on her personal growth and how that has helped her move into a better space. And so I wanted to talk about that today. As we move into our own personal growth, this is, I think, a side benefit that that can happen, is that the people around us can see and experience our growth and that it can impact their ability to move into their own growth. So say hi, Allie -Bally. 

Allison 01:24 

Hello, everybody. 

Tanya Hale 01:26 

I have some favorite people in the world and I have to say my four kids are four of my favorites. And so it's fun to have Allison here with me today. 

Tanya Hale 01:36 

So Allison, do you want to tell everybody what you do in life and where you're at? 

Allison 01:41 

Let's see. I am currently studying down at SUU. 

Tanya Hale 01:47 

Which is Southern Utah University for those who don't know. 

Allison 01:49 

It's in the southern part of Utah and I'm trying to decide which route I want to go. So kind of leaning toward medical, but we'll kind of hash out those details as we go. I'm still a child so. 

Tanya Hale 02:03 

She's 22. 

Allison 02:04 

I'm still a fetus but. 

Tanya Hale 02:09 

Alright so, a little precursor on Allison. Go back and listen to the "Divorce and The Kids" podcast. There's two of them because we had such a long interview last time. But we talked to Allison. She was the child who, when we told them we were getting divorced, I think it was probably hardest on her It's always hard on the kids for sure, always difficult, but Allison I think is the one who took it the hardest right up front. And would you agree with that? 

Allison 02:41 

I think we all processed it in different ways so I can't say if it was harder me. I think I just probably showed it in a more outward manner than my siblings but I think it was hard on all of us. I'm just the most dramatic one so. 

Tanya Hale 02:57 

Okay that's totally fair, that's probably totally fair. You are the most dramatic which is why you're here, right?

 Allison 03:04 

Obviously. 

Tanya Hale 03:07 

Alright so, Allison, you have seen me go from six years ago, six and a half years ago, from just getting divorced and you've seen my growth in the last six and a half years and how I've done some significant change. Do you have anything, what do you want to say about that? 

Allison 03:31 

Just about you? 

Tanya Hale 03:32 

Yeah. 

Allison 03:34 

I honestly feel like I've had two different mothers. So there was the mom in the marriage who, looking back, I can see the reasoning why, but I just knew at the time I didn't connect with you, you were always the one kind of forcing us to do stuff around the house, forcing us to go to church. Like you were always kind of the one that was "getting everything in gear" type of thing. And now I have the mom that I have now, who's entirely different, who's just a lot more loving and accepting and who I can have a lot better and deeper relationship with. So when I jokingly say "I've had two different moms" and when I call you my favorite mom, it's quite literally in the sense that you are a completely different person now than you were before the divorce, in the marriage. 

Tanya Hale 04:32 

Yeah, I feel like a completely different person. I feel like I see the world different, I experience the world different. The lens that I live with has completely changed me and the process of coaching has completely changed me. And learning how to be more self-reflective and more introspective. And understanding concepts of how I want to live and the kind of person that I really want to be has completely changed me. So I guess let's start off with what was one of the first times that you started to see changes that it impacted your life? 

Allison 05:15 

I think it was probably when you made me listen to "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brené Brown. That was Memorial Day of Junior year, I believe? So two years after you told us you were getting divorced, and a year and a half after the divorce actually happened. And looking back, I knew that I saw a difference in you when you had taken up this whole coaching thing, and I was like "that's cool and whatever" and I'd heard you talk about "The Power of Vulnerability," but I never listened to it. So I remember on that drive I was sitting up front and Madeline was in the back and we were driving up there and we were just listening to it and I remember understanding a lot of your behaviors that I had seen in the past year and a half. 

Tanya Hale 06:04 

So my changed behaviors? 

Allison 06:06 

Yes, your changed behaviors. I just, the things that Brene Brown was talking about, about being more vulnerable and having those hard conversations and putting yourself in different situations and growing. And I was able to see that. Before, I didn't have the knowledge, I didn't have the emotional intelligence nor the mental capacity to understand the changes that I was seeing in you. But through learning about "The Power of Vulnerability" and learning by Brene Brown, I was able to see and understand your growth and then really understand the changes that you had implemented and really understand the person that you were changing and becoming. 

Tanya Hale 06:59 

Yeah, if I remember when we were driving home and listening to that, we also stopped it a lot of times and talked about concepts and talked about boundaries and just basic ideas. Things that at the time were all pretty new to me, but that I was learning to implement and that were making a difference in the kind of person that I was becoming. So yeah, that was a great talk. That's a five hour CD set of Brene Brown's. If you haven't listened to it, it was really impactful for me. I've probably listened to it seven or eight times because it was so impactful and a lot of times back to back to back because it made such a difference for me. 

Allison 07:41 

Yeah, I remember pausing and stopping it being like, "hey, what do you think about this?" or just discussing the five hours, whether it was me or you driving. and just discussing it and how do we apply this to our lives and what do you think about that and you know all these fun things that were happening. And then I personally, I remember when I drove down to college, it's a three and a half hour drive there and back, and I remember I drove down there one time and I took it with me and I listened to it on my own. So it was about the perfect time to go there and back. So I've listened to it and I've kind of done my own introspection and applied those teachings to my life as well outside of just, you're the one that introduced me to it, but I've also done work outside of you. 

Tanya Hale 08:33 

Yeah, absolutely. So how was my doing the work? How was that impacted you wanting to listen to it on your own, wanting to do your own growth work? 

Allison 08:45 

Because I've had two different moms. And I like this one a lot better. 

Tanya Hale 08:50 

I like this one better. 

Allison 08:53 

I've seen you change and I've seen you be better and do better. And I've seen your passion for coaching and how you're good at coaching. And as I've seen you change and learn and grow and be better and do better, it's shown me that it's possible. And it's shown me the value and the importance of the stuff that you're teaching. You know, you're not just someone who says it on podcasts or writes about it and tells people what to do in coaching sessions. I've seen you apply all the things that you're teaching firsthand and try them out and go through the messy phase and mess them up and make mistakes. And I've seen that firsthand. I've been your guinea pig in a lot of those instances. And that's meant a lot to see you putting in the work to change, to learn, to grow, to be a better mom. That has impacted me in such an important way because I know that I can change my things. I can change and I know that the things that you're learning, the things that you're teaching and living, they're valuable and they're important and they're impacting and life-changing because I've seen it in you and I want that. 

Tanya Hale 10:19 

Been a good couple of years, huh? 

Allison 10:23 

Yeah, it has. Bam! 

Tanya Hale 10:23 

Yeah, fist bump right there. Are there any specific discussions that you remember us having, or concepts that we've talked about, that you feel have...Maybe we didn't even talk about it, maybe you just saw me implementing them, but that have really impacted you and helped helped you in your growth and your development? 

Allison 10:46 

So many. I think one of the big ones is communication. Just how to talk to other people, especially just respectfully and the whole notion that contention and conflict are neutral and we make of them what we will, right? Because I remember you saying like, and us having a discussion about how in media they only portray the negative kinds, you know, getting angry, yelling, like getting in fights and whatever, but they rarely show us how to grow and learn from the contention and conflicts, that we come out stronger. And so that's always made an impact on me. So just those conversations where you bring up something and you're like, "you know, what do you think about this?" And then giving my two cents and we just have a discussion about how to set boundaries or how to communicate with people or when I'm confused about something and, just have allowed me to process it. 

Allison 11:53 

I think another one of the really big ones that really impacted me was the thought model. Really allowing me and giving me control of my own emotions. You know, I learned this the other day and we were talking about it, but the idea that, you know, all emotions are okay, but not all behaviors are okay. It's totally fine that you're feeling sad or that you're feeling angry or that you're feeling happy, but what are you doing? What are your actions? Are you hitting other people? Are you 

demeaning other people? Are you shoving your victory down other people's throats? Like, those things are not okay, but the  behaviors are okay. No, the emotions are okay. The behaviors are not. And I remember I brought that up to you when I wrote that in my paper the other week and we just kind of discussed it. And, you know, discussed the different instances and just that kind of idea and that concept and just being able to say, "Hey, mom, I learned this cool thing about emotions because they suck, but they're so important." And just being able to talk about them and, you know, it's a safe space that we've created where we can just learn and grow and discuss and challenge ideas and challenge what we have and our perspectives and the habits that we have now. That's really been valuable to me. 

Tanya Hale 13:15 

Very good. So my personal growth has created more open space for you to feel like you can discuss things. Is that what you're saying? 

Allison 13:26 

Yeah, it's shown me that it's possible. It's shown me that I can change, that I can learn, and be better. And that's been very impactful. And then through it, us learning and growing together, we've been able to, you know, learn together and discuss these ideas. You know, I can send you my paper about emotions like I did last week and just discuss it and talk about it and you know get insights and learn and grow. 

Tanya Hale 13:58 

So any other maybe situations where you have seen my change and my personal growth and it's impacted you? 

Allison 14:12 

Good question. I think outside of just more emotional awareness that we both have and you know the thought model that we always talk about and discuss kind of where we're coming and being curious about what's going on. I think one of the big things that has really made an impact for me was seeing how you've viewed and talked differently about my dad. I remember at the very very beginning, like the first year year and a half when you and Dad were right in the middle of, we all were, not just you two, but we were all trying to figure out what is divorce and how to live with it. And that initial shock had worn off and now we are living with all the consequences and Madeline and I were going back and forth between the houses. And I just remember it was really hard because I felt like I couldn't come and talk to you about the divorce or about my dad because a lot of times you would say something long lines of, "oh yeah, well that's typical because he always does that or da da da da da." You know what I mean? Like you always kind of trash talked him and bagged him and it's like, "yes, I see that, but that's not why I'm talking to you right now." Like I'm coming to you because I either need to vent or because I'm confused or because I need advice on now how to handle this new relationship. And so it was really hard when you were always talking, I mean, you didn't always, but when you were quite frequently talking negative about him, I felt like I couldn't open up to you or even mention him in front of you. He was almost like a taboo topic that I avoided for a long time. 

Allison 16:11 

But then you changed and you started just being a lot more compassionate toward him and talking about him in a different light and you weren't talking down about him and it gave me the opportunity to open up a lot more to you because I knew it wasn't gonna be a fight about my dad. Not that we ever really fought, but I knew that I could talk to you in a lot safer light. And I remember specifically one time after you had been doing a lot better and not talking bad about him you said something offhand, I don't remember what it was, but I just remember you kind of said something a little mean. And I kind of was like, "oh he's still my dad, but I'm not gonna say anything," and then about a couple days later, probably two, sitting in the kitchen and you walked up and you just said "hey I just want you to know that I'm really sorry for what I said about your dad the other day. That wasn't called for and you shouldn't be hearing those things from me." And that apology really went a long way of showing your growth from being demeaning and always talking about down about him, to apologizing for doing that. And I was able to see that growth and that was a change that I was really happy and comfortable with and was really beneficial for me, to see you apologize for that and to make amends for that, and to change and try and do better just in regards to your thoughts and feelings and actions toward him. And that really made a difference for me. 

Tanya Hale 17:55 

Yeah, that made a huge difference for me as well. I think is as I've learned to step out of the place of blame, which I think is super super easy to do when you first get divorced. It's super easy to always blame your former spouse for all the things. And when I finally started to learn how to stop blaming him for all the things and to start taking responsibility for the things that I brought into the relationship, for the dysfunctional patterns, and you know, all of that stuff, when I learned to put that aside then I could be so much more compassionate to him. And that created a safer space for y'all. 

Allison 18:45 

It wasn't so pitted, mom versus dad. It wasn't a "you have to choose a side or choose a team." With you being stepping more into a neutral position, it was less of teams and more of just, I don't know, reality? I don't know. Less binary, more neutral, more liveable. 

Tanya Hale 19:08 

Yeah. Well, it seems like we could have conversations. Like, I was then a safe space to have a conversation with because... I mean now I don't remember the last time I said something kind of ornery about your dad. 

Allison 19:21 

I don't either. 

Tanya Hale 19:23 

Because I don't even feel that way anymore. You know, if you put it in the thought model, I've changed my thoughts about your dad. Which has completely changed how I feel about him and which then shows up in my actions, right? Like I don't feel the need to say anything bad because I don't blame him for anything anymore. I look at my my behaviors, I look at what I brought into it. So my own personal growth through this coaching work that has, gosh, it's just made such a huge difference in me as a person. And I love that as we were talking about this earlier today, that it has bled over into your life, specifically, I mean that's all we can really talk about today, but the impact that my growth has had on you. So is there anything else that you feel has been a big impact for you? 

Allison 20:25 

I think another really big change that I've seen in you is your relationship with the gospel and how you've lived it. Just a lot less checkbox-y. A lot more realistic, I would say, a lot more compassionate, a lot more people-focused and individual-based focus and I've really enjoyed that and it's made a lot more sense to me in living and understanding the gospel. I remember specifically, I don't remember how I heard it, if I was listening in on you recording the podcast or if I was listening to your podcast afterward or if we were discussing it another time and then you're like, "I'm going to put that in my podcast." I don't remember when it was, but we're talking about the straight and narrow and about how Christ is in the center and we're coming at him from all different angles. Some of us are coming from above, from the side, from below. It's our straight and narrow, and it's our individual path and relationship with Christ. I remember I've never viewed the straight and narrow any other way since then, but that insight would never have come without the coaching process, without seeing that each individual has a different relationship with Christ and some of them are going to go into the darkness for a long time and some of them are going to, you know, X, Y and Z. 

Allison 21:59 

But just that, along with other gospel topics, just I can see that your depth and understanding of them are on such a deeper level than they were before. And maybe that's because I've gotten older and I've been able to participate and, you know, be in the conversations, but I also think it's because through coaching, through learning about emotions and being a coach and 

learning these principles, you've been able to strengthen your testimony and have a relationship with God and the gospel and Christ that you were never able to have before, coming from an outsider's perspective. Which has in turn allowed you to teach me these things and allowed you to show me that, you know, these things are not just for relationships with spouses or ex-spouses or children's or co-workers or family. Like, the things that you're teaching, the coaching that you're doing, all these things also apply to the gospel and they apply to God and to Christ. And when something happens and we're angry at God, you know, putting that into the thought model or when we need something, you know what I mean? Like just showing me that these things are so much more than temporal ideologies, but they're eternal truths. We don't know how much of them are eternal truths, but there are things that allow us to grow closer to Christ and have a different and deeper and fuller and more trusting relationship with Him. And so that as well has, when I was ready for it, allowed me to to have a better relationship with him and to accept him into my life in a deeper way. 

Tanya Hale 23:50 

Yeah, I would say that that has been one of the greatest benefits for me of coaching, is I feel like I have moved out of a checkbox living of the gospel into a more deeper understanding of how to live it at the core level. What does it really mean to be Christlike? It's not a checklist thing, it's an attitude thing. It's a way that I think about people thing, and a way that I just feel so much more capable of accepting people where they are and of creating space and realizing that people get to make their own choices and the only thing I get to choose is how I show up and what kind of person do I want to be in  showing up there. And that's made a huge difference for me and I feel like it's had a huge impact in how I interact with you, as my children. I feel like I'm much better at creating a safe space for you and just loving you, like really loving you, and not loving you in a way that says, "if I love you maybe you'll change", or "if I love you maybe you'll become this kind of a person." But just loving you where you are and I think that's been a huge shift for me in the last few years as I've really stepped into the coaching concepts even more. 

Allison 25:16 

And that's definitely come across to us as kids. We can feel the difference in the love, the cleaner love that you're offering, the more unconditional love that you're offering, instead of the best that you're doing before but it was different. Wasn't as good. 

Tanya Hale 25:35 

Wasn't as good. 

Allison 25:36 

Wasn't as good. Dang it. 

Tanya Hale 25:38 

Anything else that you would add as we kind of wrap this up? 

Allison 25:48 

I think one of the beautiful things from this whole thing is the relationship that we've created together. Me and you. Me and you, mama! Because you started the change and then you kind of wrapped me into it and, well, I chose to but you kind of started teaching me these concepts and I started getting curious. I started becoming interested in these things and started thinking about them on my own and engaging in more of these conversations, which then prepared me to grow and change and be differently than I was before. Without you preparing me those three years of high school when we had the divorce. I would never have shown up to my freshman year. And just for you listeners, my freshman year I took a "writing about poverty" class. 

Tanya Hale 26:56 

Freshman year at college. 

Allison 26:56 

Freshman year of college. Took a "writing about poverty" class. "Poverty" meaning any sort of scarcity. And the first thing when my professor was introducing it to me, the first thought that popped into my head was "scarcity in romantic relationships and emotional connection." And that thought would have never popped into my head if we had not been discussing emotions. And if I had not gone through the divorce and if I had not been through all that, and then through writing this paper, I was able to truly heal from the divorce in a way that would not have been possible without that paper. That paper literally saved and changed my life. But I would never would have gotten there without you, without you teaching me these things and learning these things and showing me how to do these things. I never would have been emotionally intelligent enough to learn about emotional intelligence and start applying it into my life. I never would have been mentally, physically or emotionally prepared to challenge and face the divorce in a head on way that made me cry thousands of tears as I was writing that paper. And you know, I was able to see you doing that too. And changing and learning and growing. So the relationship that we have, that I'm so grateful for every single day, it's because we've both put in the work to change and grow together. It's because we've both gone through the crappy parts and called each other out on our bull crap and and challenged each other to do better and to learn better and to share insights. And it's because we've done it together that we're so close. It's because we've healed and we've changed and we've done all this together that we've been able to be so close and we've been able to be as freaking amazing as we are today. 

Tanya Hale 29:01 

Is she my daughter or what? 

Allison 29:03 

I taught her everything she knows. Don't listen to her. 

Tanya Hale 29:08 

This is one of things, though, that I love so much about this growth process and about coaching is that as I have stepped into  a better version of me, I don't feel like I've been heavy-handed with my kids in trying to teach them things, but I think it's just come across in the kind of person that I've become. I've become a more loving, kind, compassionate person and it's just a byproduct of the coaching. and learning how to do that. And it has impacted my kids' lives in a positive way. And I just, if I can make any positive impact in anybody's lives, it's my kids' lives that I really want to make a difference in. Because if you're a parent, gosh, you know how much you love your kids so desperately and so much. And I'm just really proud of Allison because she's really stepped up into deciding the kind of person that she wants to be and she's become very intentional about moving into that space so. 

Allison 30:24 

And I'm proud of you, Mama. 

Tanya Hale 30:26 

Thanks, baby doll. 

Allison 30:27 

You changed. You're better. You're cooler. 

Tanya Hale 30:30 

Cooler for sure. 

Allison 30:32 

That's all we care about, is how cool someone is. But no, your growth has really meant a lot to me to see that. And I remember just a couple weeks, you've done it before, but like a week or two ago when Cameron was here and we were kind of chatting about these things and I remember you just broke down in tears and you started apologizing for all the things that you taught us. 

Tanya Hale 31:00 

Back in the day when it was a hot mess. 

Allison 31:01 

Back in the day of the marriage. Well, you're still a hot mess but. You're more hot and less mess. 

Tanya Hale 31:11 

Fair enough. 

Allison 31:14 

So, but I remember you were just apologizing for not allowing us to feel emotions, for not teaching us how to communicate, for just not being the type of mom that now you are. And I don't blame you for what you did and for what you taught us because you didn't know any better and you were an amazing mom. But you were amazing in different ways. And now you're amazing in more ways. But I just know that that talk and that apology, even though it wasn't really necessary, it went a long way to show the growth that you've made and the changes that you've made and that you've seen your mistakes and that you're learning from them. And not only learning from them, but that you're changing, actively changing, from them and actively bettering yourself because of those mistakes and because of your weaknesses and inadequacies. And it's a beautiful process to see and it was a beautiful conversation to be a part of and a beautiful experience and I'm super grateful for that and for you. 

Tanya Hale 32:23 

Well, thank you. 

Allison 32:27 

You're welcome, Mama. 

Tanya Hale 32:28 

My wombie. She's my womb mate. Okay, Allison, thanks. 

Allison 32:36 

Of course. 

Tanya Hale 32:36 

Thanks for sharing some of your thoughts and your ideas and okay, so she is one of my four favorite kids. I love her desperately. This is just the piece that I want to share with you just as we close out today. I'm not a unicorn. There's nothing specifically special about me. But I've started to apply these concepts of coaching. I've started to really intentionally strive to move into learning and understanding and becoming a better person. And it has made a huge impact in my life. And as I've learned to focus on my own behaviors and becoming the person that I want to be, it has impacted the lives of my kids. And, I mean, today specifically we were talking with Allison, but it has impacted her life. And that is a byproduct of our own personal growth. And coaching is all about personal growth. It's about increasing our awareness of who we are, of what we are, of our behaviors, of our thoughts, of our emotions, so that we can move into a better version of ourselves. The next best version is just right around the corner. It's just right there. We just need to create awareness and we need to move into it. 

Tanya Hale 33:56 

So this is what I do as a coach. I help you create awareness of where you are and of where you want to be. And we figure out how to move through what we call the "river of misery," to go from who we are right now into who we really want to be. And that is a process and it can be difficult. It can be hard and sometimes I'll tell you, it's painful. And I've cried a lot of tears as I have worked through and I know that I will continue to cry a lot of tears as I continue to work through my own progress of growth and development. But so worth it. I think it's especially worth it when we see the impact that it has in the lives of the people around us. It can't help but impact when we show up as a different person. We're going to call that a day. Love you my friends. Thanks again so much for being here today and we will talk to you next week. 

Allison 34:51 

Thank you all for listening. Bye. 

Tanya Hale 34:53 

Ciao. 

Tanya Hale 34:54 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.